# The Cartoon

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transcribed by Mohamel, Feb. 2000

Jerry Seinfeld: himself

George Costanza: Jason Alexander

Kramer: Michael Richards

Elaine Benes: Julia Louis Dreyfus

Peterman: John O'Hurley

sally Weaver: Kathy Griffin

Newman: Wayne Knight

Janet: Tracy Nelson

Mr Elinoff: Paul Benedict

Dugan: Joe Urla

written by: Bruce Eric Kaplan

directed by: Andy Ackerman

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Some street , Jerry and Kramer walking

Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?

Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids

with the little orange boxes of change.

Jerry: Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.

We see Sally from a distance.

Kramer: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?

Jerry: No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying

to become an actress.

Kramer: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!

Jerry: Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation.

It's really depressing.

Kramer: Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.

Jerry: She should just give up.

She recognizes them.

Jerry: Heeyyy!...

Sally: Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back from (?) Whoooooooo.....I'm on my

way to an audition

still waiting for that big break.

Kramer: Why don't you just give up?

Jerry: Kramer!!!

Kramer: At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen.

All right , we go grab some bouffe . Join us?

Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless

Jerry: So......Susan's dead.....

At Monks

Kramer: I think she was happy someone finally said it.

Jerry: Why'd you have to say anything to her?

Kramer: 'felt that the conversation was lagging.

Jerry: Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?

Kramer: I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your

place.

Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.

Elaine: You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have.

Jerry: What did you wanna be?

Elaine: I don't remember , but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get

this.

Jerry: I don't either.

Elaine: And you're on the fringe of the humor business.

George comes in

George: Hey!

Elaine: Hey! George look at this.

George: That's cute.

Elaine: You got it?

George: No , never mind.

Elaine: Come on , We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in

an office.

Jerry: It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there.

Elaine: The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail".

George: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner .

Elaine: It's a page number.

George: Well , I can't crack this one.

Elaine: Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.

George: try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet should be here any minute.

Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?

George: Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her

mouth, nose

Elaine: We know what a face consists of.

Janet arrives

Janet; I'm sorry I'm late.

George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet.

Janet: Nice to meet you.

Elaine: Hi!

Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie?

George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy.

George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they leave.

Elaine: Jerry , She looks exactly like you.

Jerry: She does not.

Elaine: Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.

To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.

Jerry: Hey! Kramer.

Kramer: hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call.

and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting the business, you ruined her life.

Jerry: What! You're the one who ruined her life.

Kramer: Well that's not how she remembers it.

Jerry: Well , I got to talk her out of this.

Kramer; I thought you said she stinks

Jerry: She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the

traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

Door buzzer rings

Jerry: Yeah...

George: Hey! George and Janet.

Kramer: Aahh...Who's Janet?

Jerry: George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say ,kookie talk.

Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne.

All: Hey, Hey!

Kramer: And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!!

this is eerie.

George: Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry

Janet: well maybe we do look a little like each other.

George: No..hummm , What do you know about what you look like.

Kramer: C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.

George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.

Janet: We just got here George

George: Well,,, it's getting dark.

They leave.

Kramer: yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.

Jerry slaps him in the back.

Jerry: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his

girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I

Kramer: Well how should I have "broached the subject"

Jerry: You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut.

Kramer: Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.

Jerry: Yeah! Because of you.

Kramer: Well, I think one of us should leave.

They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to Monks.

Jerry: Sally ,you can't quit the business. This is all because of me.

Sally: (nods) Hehumm!!

Jerry: You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink?

When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We like magic.

Sally: Really?

Jerry: Of course , I stink , you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks..

Sally: Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties.

Jerry: All right , I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with

everybody else.

Sally: Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food)

Jerry: NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry)

Back to Jerry's place , evening.

Elaine: Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why

no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Jerry: Oh! I think we're at the bottom.

Elaine: (to George who just came in) Hey! George , Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome

woman.

George: What does that mean?

Jerry: Yeah. What does that mean?

George: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?

Elaine: Enjoy. ( she leaves)

Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely..

George: Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..

Jerry: No....

George: Why would I...

Jerry; It's ludicrous..

George: Yes.

Jerry: For either one of us..

George: No...

Jerry; So...

George: Exactly.

Jerry: I'm not gay.

George: ...neither am I.

Both: Kramer, Kramer , get in here.

George: Where's the crazy man , Come on up.

Jerry: Come on in here.

AS Kramer steps out and comes in

George: Haaaaaa!!!

Jerry: What's happening? What, you doing , come and talk to us.

Kramer: I've made an important life decision.

Jerry: Lets talk about that.

George: Don't leave (George slams the door)

Kramer: Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life

you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry

George: What's the decision?

Kramer: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm never gonna talk again.

Jerry: Yeah right.

Kramer: What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry

friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of

some girl and his best friend.

See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.

George: Silence YES!!

Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.

Kramer: Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch.

Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying)

Jerry: Well what does this mean?

Kramer: Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry.

George: (frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP , SHUT UP,...(then leaves)

Kramer: That's the idea.

Jerry: Kramer there's no way you stick to this.

Kramer: (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!

Jerry: Oh! you just startin' now?

Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.

Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table

Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!!

Next day at the New Yorker

Mr. Elinoff: So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?

Elaine: Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier ,people

won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one

Elaine shows him the cartoon

Mr. Elinoff: Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think.

Elaine: Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email?

Mr. Elinoff: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..

Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny?

Mr. Elinoff: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her)

Elaine: But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him)

Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.

Elaine: No it isn't.

Mr. Elinoff: Pun?

Elaine: I don,t think so.

Mr Elinoff: Vorshtein?

Elaine: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you?

Mr Elinoff: No.

Elaine: Then why did you print it.

Mr. Elinoff: I liked the kitty.

Elaine: (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears

at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy.

Mr. Elinoff: Actually that's not bad..

Elaine: Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others

Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre

Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show?

Sally: No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me ,oKay , a tear.

Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts

Jerry: Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence)

Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...

Applause, Sally starts her show

Sally: Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me

It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this

Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink , You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing

Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks instead of feet. ( big laughs from the

audience and Kramer is cracking up)

Jerry: ( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!

Next day at Jerry's

Elaine: She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing.

Jerry: Good luck , It's sold out for the next three weeks.

Elaine: Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker.

Jerry: The New Yorker?

Elaine: Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon

...MADE NO SENSE....

Jerry: Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew

Elaine: Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.

Jerry: Nodding off...

Elaine: ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.

Jerry: Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw.

Elaine: I do to.

Jerry: What , your sad little horsies , the house with the little curl of smoke , the sunflower with the smiley

face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves)

Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.

Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!!!

Back to Monks, same day

Sally: Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me?

Jerry: No ,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld

is the devil.

Sally: Well...That is the title.

Jerry: I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.

Sally: You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think...

It's all a journey.

Jerry: You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)

Newman shyly approaches the table

Newman: Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times..

Jerry: What a surprise.

Newman: Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something.

Kramer climbs into a cab

Driver: Where to?

Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab.

Evening at Janet's apt.

George: (we hear him think) My friends are idiots , she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody.

And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry

but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly

what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..

Sally: You know I really do look like your friend Jerry.

George: I know....

Back to Jerry's

TV announcer: Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show.

Sally: Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing

your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and

he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know, Hands Across America.

Jerry: There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her

Sally: ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating...

Jerry: Get Out of my House!!.

Elaine walks in the door looking terrible

Elaine: Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.

Jerry: I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out.

Elaine: That is not the point.

Jerry: some mouthwash , a hat , something.

Elaine: Just read it!

Jerry: (glances at it) Pretty good.

Elaine: Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What?

It's funny.

Jerry: It's a pig at a complain department.

Elaine: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint.

Jerry: I get it.

Elaine: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.

Jerry: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye.

Elaine: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.

Jerry: I'm a comedian.

Elaine: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.

Jerry: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.

Elaine: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks , The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their

next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally

Weaver.

Jerry: oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.

Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.

Elaine: The pig says "my wife is a slut."

Jerry: Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally , yeah this is Jerry ,I just wanted to leave you a message that I

caught your little piece on TV and..

Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that Jerry left on her message.

Jerry: ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave

me out of your act all together.

Jerry: (from the back of the club , leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns.

Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.

Sally: To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer.

Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You

Jerry: How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a

cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado.

( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.

At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her door.

Elaine: Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? ( Dugan shrugs)

Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.

Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.

Elaine: Can I fix that after lunch sir?

Peterman: Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh)

I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves)

Elaine: (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why?

'Cause I wrote it.

Dugan: You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he leaves)

Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.

Elaine: Oh! Do tell sir?

Peterman It's a Ziggy!

Elaine: A Ziggy?

Peterman: That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and

passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my archives.

In a restaurant later that evening.

George: You know , you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks.

Janet: It's not?

George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met , we had a great conversation.

Janet: I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party.

George: ....But after that we really talked didn't we?

Janet: Well ,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before.

George: Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very

serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?

Janet: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.

George: Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it.

Janet: I like gum.

George: I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.

Janet: I have gum in my hair.

George: I'm losin' it

Back to Monks

Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy , mind if I sit. My show is going really well.

Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day,

How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back ,

Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean.

But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman , Sally Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person...

Kramer: (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days.

Sally: Well , lay it on me string bean.

Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.

Janet: Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed.

George: OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.

Janet: George.

George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and a jerry like blue shirt.

George: Your hair?

Janet: Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed

George. ( George speeds out the door)

George: George is in big trouble....

At Jerry's the next day.

Jerry: You ripped off a Ziggy?

Elaine: It must've seeped up my subconscious , Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today?

Jerry: I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas."

ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.

Kramer comes in

Elaine: Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on ( Kramer turns around to leave)

Jerry: Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this , now she's got nothing.

Sally: (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me.

Jerry: That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?

Elaine: Why are you yelling at the TV?

Sally: ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues..

Jerry: Elaine , have you been talking to her?

Elaine: Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...

Sally: Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his

neighbor not to tell anyone?

Jerry: ( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??

Kramer: ...All right ..Starting now......

Credits

Epilogue at Monks

Jerry: You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short?

George: like that ( looking at Jerry)

Jerry: You mean like.. ( points to his hair)

George; ..That.

Jerry: So she..

George: Yes..

Jerry: And you don't...

George: Nooo...

Jerry; So...

George: Exactly..

Jerry: Hmmmm...

George: We...must never ever speak of this again..

Jerry: No , no......( long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie?

George: Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off ( starts to leave)

Jerry: I think that's for the best.

End