# The Bizarro Jerry

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[JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a zoo.]

JERRY

All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.

GEORGE

Fine.

JERRY

They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?

GEORGE

I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

JERRY

But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!

GEORGE

I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..

JERRY

[resigned] At least it's show business..

GEORGE

But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.

JERRY

What if she's got no interest in you?

GEORGE

W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.

[time: 00:43]

[Commercial Break]

[Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building]

[Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.]

KRAMER

George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?

GEORGE

Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!

KRAMER

[frustrated] Wha??

JERRY

[dry] He knows.

GEORGE

{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! [imitates sound] Ha ha!

KRAMER

[impressed] Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later.

GEORGE

You sure?

JERRY

[dry] He knows.

[KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them.

She could be a model.]

GEORGE

Wow.

Nice.

JERRY

Why don't you try your engagement story?

GEORGE

[considers, but got into elevator] Won't work.

JERRY

Are you sure?

GEORGE

[wry] He knows.

[Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored,

dreading.]

ELAINE

Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. [takes a bite of her

sandwich]

KEVIN

Friends?

ELAINE

Well. I mean. [distracted by the food] Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge.

KEVIN

Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry!

[Men's room door. Flush sound and "Wooo!".]

[Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.]

MAN

[frustrated] Damn thing is jammed again..

KRAMER

You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. [hits button several times and whacks it]

MAN #2

[rushing by, tense] Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now.

MAN

Come on, let's go.

KRAMER

[absently wants to be part of it] Oh, yeah--yeah.. [follows them]

[Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.]

ELAINE

[to JERRY] Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you

should give her a call.

JERRY

[doubtful] I don't know, do you have a--

[ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.]

JERRY

Not bad. Wuh--what does she--

ELAINE

[dry] I put her stats on the back.

JERRY

Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" [ELAINE had

echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it]

GEORGE

Hnn! Let me see that.

JERRY

[hands it to him as he asks ELAINE] So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?

ELAINE

[laughs in appreciation] You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really

wants to be friends.

JERRY

Why would anybody want a friend.

ELAINE

[dread] Uh.

It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never

ever do.

JERRY

I mean all that stuff is so small..

[(ELAINE is wryly assessing him)]

stupid..

GEORGE

[still looking at that picture] You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiance..

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been

inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come

and go as I please!

ELAINE

[wry, not impressed] Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to

move the whole damn forbidden city. [chuckles with JERRY]

GEORGE

[getting up] Can I keep this?

ELAINE

No, I need it.

GEORGE

[absently leaving with it] Thanks.

[The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).]

GEORGE

Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..

AMANDA

I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..

GEORGE

[taking out wallet] Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh!

Seems--oh! I, oh! [has conveniently dropped the photo into her view]

AMANDA

Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?

GEORGE

[humble] Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiance, Susan. May she rest in peace.

AMANDA

Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.

GEORGE

[shaking hands] I'm George.

[As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.]

MAN3

Good work today, K-man!

KRAMER

Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

MAN3

Heh, heh!

KRAMER

{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}

MAN3

In that case, make mine a double!

[They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.]

[Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.]

GILLIAN

Jerry?

JERRY

Gillian. Hiii..

GILLIAN

Very nice to meet you.

JERRY

It's nice to meet you!

[They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice enough, but big, beefy.]

[Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.]

JERRY

She had man-hands.

ELAINE

[pause] Man, Hands?

JERRY

The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

ELAINE

[weary] {Look,} would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?

JERRY

Would she have hooks?

ELAINE

Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?

JERRY

Kinda cool lookin'..

ELAINE

[getting up to go] Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my {place tomorrow}--

JERRY

[leaving too] Yeah. Yeah.

ELAINE

Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of {buttons}.

JERRY

Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call--

ELAINE

[weary] Jerry!

[Early morning in Jerry's "house," a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom,

tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit and oven mitts.]

JERRY

Kramer?!

KRAMER

Hey buddy! Hey!

JERRY

It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!

KRAMER

Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.

JERRY

Why??

KRAMER

Because I'm workin' there, that's why.

JERRY

[disoriented] How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?

KRAMER

Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?

JERRY

[snaps fingers] Now that you mention it.

KRAMER

But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm

workin' with.

JERRY

How much are they payin' you?

KRAMER

Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay.

I'm doin' this just for me.

JERRY

Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?

KRAMER

T.C.B.

You know, takin' care o' business.

Aa--I gotta go.

JERRY

All right.

KRAMER

[leaving] I'll see you tonight, huh? [turning back, grabs his briefcase] Forget my briefcase.

JERRY

W-w-wha' you got in there?

KRAMER

[as he leaves with it] Crackers.

[MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies assorted shots of working-man KRAMER:

Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction).

Washing his shoes at the water cooler.

Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase.

Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.]

[JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.]

JERRY

So the picture worked. Amazing!

GEORGE

Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that?

JERRY

I don't know, but you don't have it.

GEORGE

Right. Bye.

[ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know why so shrugs back.]

ELAINE

Where were you today?

JERRY

What?

ELAINE

Pick. Up.

JERRY

[whispers] Damn.

ELAINE

So? Where were you?!

JERRY

Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.

ELAINE

[irritated, throwing down her bag] I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!

JERRY

So? What are friends for?

ELAINE

Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.

JERRY

So he's Bizarro Jerry!

ELAINE

[pause] Bizarro Jerry?

JERRY

Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is

Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives.

ELAINE

[pause] Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"?

JERRY

No. It's still a goodbye.

ELAINE

Uh. Does he live underwater?

JERRY

No.

ELAINE

Is he black..

JERRY

Look. Just, forget it, {already}. All right?

[KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.]

KRAMER

Wow. Man. What a day.

Could I use a drink. [starts getting a drink and ice]

JERRY

Tough day at the office?

KRAMER

Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.

JERRY

Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion.

KRAMER

Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine,

I'm toast.. [{takes a swig and reacts}]

[Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon "V"s on the outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous

women and GEORGE and AMANDA.]

GEORGE

This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant!

[Three female MODELS come up to them.]

MODEL #1

Hey! Amanda!

AMANDA

These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together.

GEORGE

Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. [to self in head] Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

AMANDA

So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?

MODEL #2

[petulant] A bore.

GEORGE

You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiance, Susan.. [opening wallet] In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..

[shows them the picture]

MODEL #3

[awed] Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?

[Exterior of a restaurant.]

[Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.]

[GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his horror of her hands.]

GILLIAN

Would you like some bread, Jerry?

JERRY

No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.

GILLIAN

Well, then at least drink your beer.. [she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands]

JERRY

[to self] It's not a... Twist off.

GILLIAN

You have a little something on your face.

JERRY

I can get it. [feeling his face]

GILLIAN

Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. [reaches over]

[A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small thing. He's uneasy.]

GILLIAN

[friendly] It's an eyelash. Make a wish.

[Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.]

JERRY

I don't want to.

GILLIAN

Make a wish.

JERRY

Okay. [closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self] Didn't come true.

GILLIAN

[smiles at him] Don't you just love lobster?

[Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.]

[Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.]

KEVIN

That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.

ELAINE

I know, he's so tiny!

[Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning ELAINE to come along.]

KEVIN

Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call

"Feldman!"

[GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.]

ELAINE

[to self in head] Bizarro world..

[time: 10:33]

[Commercial Break]

[Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.]

GEORGE

[delighted] Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!

JERRY

Then it does exist.

GEORGE

Yes. The legends are true.

JERRY

So when are you goin' out with this girl again?

GEORGE

I'm not! I'm inside the walls!

JERRY

So you're gonna burn that bridge.

GEORGE

Flame on!

[Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE comes and sits with them.]

GENE

[about the check] I got it.

KEVIN

[grabs it] No. You got it last time.

GENE

[calmly takes it] Don't worry about it.

ELAINE

[to self in head] This is unbelievable..

FELDMAN

Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?

ELAINE

Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!

FELDMAN

Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.

KEVIN

[getting up] Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. [the three guys are leaving]

ELAINE

What are you gonna do down there?

KEVIN

Read!

ELAINE

[pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave] Hello?

[At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe

eating cereal and orange juice.]

JERRY

So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.

KRAMER

Uh-huh.

JERRY

Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.

KRAMER

Yeah..

JERRY

Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.

KRAMER

That's nice..

JERRY

Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!

KRAMER

Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

JERRY

I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

KRAMER

Oh here we go--

JERRY

An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

KRAMER

What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

JERRY

[pause] It's your third day..

KRAMER

[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [leaves]

JERRY

Well.

[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!

[ELAINE's arrived.]

ELAINE

What? What is goin' on with you two?

JERRY

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..

ELAINE

All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- [sees address book on counter] --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later.

[leaving]

JERRY

Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.

ELAINE

[stops, pause] Well, I.

[a little ashamed] I guess I been at Reggie's..

JERRY

The Bizarro coffeeshop?

ELAINE

Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..

JERRY

I read.

ELAINE

Books, Jerry.

JERRY

[pause] Oh.

Big deal..

ELAINE

Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating

minutia, of every, single, daily event..

JERRY

{What's goin' on,} like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--

ELAINE

I'll see you later man. I gotta go.

JERRY

[frustrated, to self] The whole system is breakin' down!

[GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup of

Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the

sink--the dryer's still running.]

GEORGE

Hello?

Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now.

Bye-bye. [hangs up]

[happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo] No! No!

[At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.]

GILLIAN

Friends. Just friends.

JERRY

Yeah.

GILLIAN

Yeah.

All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?

JERRY

I wish I could, but, we're friends..

GILLIAN

I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.

JERRY

Good idea. [phone's ringing, goes to it]

[muttering] There's a beach towel on the rack..

[to phone] Yeah.

GEORGE

[frantic] Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the

forbidden city!

JERRY

[to drive him crazy] Who is this..

GEORGE

Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!

JERRY

[pause] If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?

GEORGE

Yes! Yes, all right--anything!

[JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks

around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.]

JERRY

Got it. [but now a man-hand grabs his arm] Uh!

[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]

KRAMER

Jerry. Hey Jerry?

JERRY

I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand]

You're late.

KRAMER

Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

JERRY

Like you care.

KRAMER

The work piled up, I lost track of time--

JERRY

[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only

calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into

sink] was, for two.

KRAMER

You cooked?

JERRY

[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.

KRAMER

[in pain] Ow! Jeez!

JERRY

What's wrong?

KRAMER

{Ow!} It's my stomach.

JERRY

You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.

KRAMER

[putting briefcase down] You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out

tonight? Any place you want.

JERRY

The coffeeshop?

KRAMER

You got it, buddy.

JERRY

[pleased] I'll call George!

[Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street. Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a

shop by a liquor store.]

JERRY

Hey. Isn't that Elaine?

GEORGE

[quiet, desperate] Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands.

[calling] Elaine!

JERRY

Elaine!

KRAMER

Elaine!

ALL THREE

Elaine! Elaine!

[ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction, three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and

FELDMAN.]

KEVIN

Hey! Elaine!

Hi-i! Over here!

[Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To

the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like

a bizarre mirroring.]

ELAINE

Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.

[The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..", "Good to meet you.."]

JERRY

[quietly crept out] This is really weird..

[KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.]

ELAINE

[diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN] Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment.

KEVIN

Sure. [strolls away with his friends]

ELAINE

[pause] Thanks. [to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER] What.. what do you guys want..

GEORGE

Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.

JERRY

I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!

[While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar

money.]

KEVIN

{Here ya are.}

ELAINE

[pause, turns back to JERRY et al.] Guys. I gotta go.

Take it easy.

[GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.]

GEORGE

Elaine?

[she turns, sighing]

Can I come?

ELAINE

I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..

[KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY,

GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.]

[Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's a greying man.]

KRAMER

What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?

LELAND

Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.

KRAMER

Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..

LELAND

No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all..

I don't know what this is supposed to be!

KRAMER

Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..

LELAND

Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.

KRAMER

I don't even really work here!

LELAND

That's what makes this so difficult.

[Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.]

GEORGE

Hi. George.

MODEL #4

Are you sure you're supposed to be here?

GEORGE

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiance, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her

picture. [hands her a magazine page]

MODEL #4

What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?

GEORGE

Huh?

MODEL #5

That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..

GEORGE

Ha! Heh.

[Muscled BOUNCER comes up.]

BOUNCER

Let's go. Private party. [escorts him out]

[Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout

and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have more

earth tones.]

KEVIN

Who is it?

ELAINE

[off-camera] It's Lainey!

KEVIN

[unlocks, opens door]

Hi Elaine! [warmly hugs her]

ELAINE

Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!

KEVIN

Come on in!

ELAINE

Okay. Hi Gene! [comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor] Uh-ha! [smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair

that's to the right]

[As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall.

There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He has whole foods, not cereal boxes.]

ELAINE

What's up?

KEVIN

[friendly] Just reading..

[ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the

living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.]

KEVIN

Hey.. What're you doing?

ELAINE

Eatin' olives.

KEVIN

Have you ever heard of asking? [door bell rings]

Who is it?

FELDMAN

[off-screen] Feldman..

From across the hall.

KEVIN

[drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door] Hold on. [unlocks and opens door]

Hey.

FELDMAN

He-ey, Kevin!

KEVIN

Hi.

FELDMAN

Look who I ran into.

[VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.]

VARGUS

[testy] Hello, Kevin..

KEVIN

[testy] Hello, Vargus..

[They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.]

KEVIN

Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?

VARGUS

Great! I'll see ya later! [leaves]

KEVIN

Okay. [to self, smiling] Vargus..

[to FELDMAN] {So?}

FELDMAN

I got 'em..

KEVIN

All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi!

ELAINE

Oh! [comes to him]

KEVIN

[enthused] Fourth row, center.

ELAINE

Get out! [pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!]

[GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!]

GENE

[to ELAINE] What is the matter with you?

ELAINE

Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

GENE?

Haven't you done enough already?

[Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the

locks.]

ELAINE

[turning to them, awkward] It's locked..

[The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there

are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps

into a side of beef in his distraction.]

JERRY

So this is it, huh?

GEORGE

But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..

JERRY

[dry] I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?

[really disappointed] Get out of here George.

[Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.]

[time: 10:52]

[Commercial Break]

[Day, exterior of an apartment building. As credits run, the familiar Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny "Brady

Bunch"-esque sound effects.]

[Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.]

GENE

At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.

KEVIN

Oh, so what did you do?

GENE

I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.

KEVIN

Nice.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

FELDMAN

[off-screen] Feldman..

From across the hall.

KEVIN

[smiles, relieved] Hold on.

[GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.]

FELDMAN

Kevin! Brought some groceries.

KEVIN

Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!

FELDMAN

Hey, what are friends for?

KEVIN

You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.

[They have a long smarmy group hug.]

KEVIN

[eyes closed in hug] Oh.

Me so happy. Me want to cry.

<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">