# The Package

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first aired : 10/17/96

director : Andy Ackerman

writer : Jennifer Crittenden

Characters :

Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld

Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer

Jason Alexander as George Costanza

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes

Voice on the phone: Phil Hartman

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Elaine at the doctor's

Attendant : The doctor will be with you in a moment .

Elaine looking at her chart

Elaine : Difficult ?

Doctor : Elaine . You shouldn't be reading that . So tell me about this rash

of yours .

Elaine : Well it's , it's ..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my

chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I

remember that appointment exactly . You see this nurse asked me to put a gown

on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I

wouldn't have to put a gown on . You know there made of paper .

Doctor : Well that was a long time ago . How about if I just erase it. Now

about that rash ......

Elaine : But it was in pen . You fake erase .

Doctor : All right Miss Benes . This doesn't look to serious . You'll be fine

.

Elaine : What are you writing ? Doctor .

George at Photo Shop

Sheila : Here you go .

George : Thanks .

Sheila : I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt .

George : Ohhhhhh

Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment

Jerry : No . All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver .

George : Smile

Jerry : What are you doing ?

George : I meet this women , Sheila . She works down at the one hour photo

pace . She's got this incredible smile . Like she's got extra teeth or something

Jerry : Extra teeth . I love that look .

George : Hey check this out . I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I

hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt ."

Jerry : What mustard stain ?

George : Don't you see . She's looking at my pictures .

Jerry : Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain ?

George : That's got nothing to do with it .

Jerry : I see . She's looking .

George : Yesssss .

Kramer : Hey , you got to get this thing fixed .

Jerry : They've tried to fix it . But it keeps coming back the same .

Kramer : Would you like a refund ?

Jerry : Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago .

Kramer : Would you be interested ?

Jerry : Well how are you going .....

Kramer : Would you ?

Jerry : I guess I would .

Kramer : Yeah , yeah .

Elaine walks in

Elaine : You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors

office today .

Jerry : Not the gown again .

Elaine : No , no . I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult . Why

would they write that ?

Jerry : They have gotten to know you .

Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo

Elaine : Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my

rash .

George : Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult .

Elaine : Oh come on . I'm not difficult . I'm easy .

Jerry : Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys .

Elaine : Listen to me you little shi........

George : Smile .

Elaine at another doctor's office

Doctor : Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown .

Elaine : Oh it's my pleasure . I love these . In fact I got one at home. It's

perfect when you just want to throw something on .

Nurse hands the doctor her chart

Doctor : All rightly . Let me just review your history before we begin .

Elaine : Where did you get my chart ?

Doctor : From your last doctor . It's a standard procedure .

Elaine : You know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just .......

Doctor : Okay . Let's take a look . Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll

be fine .

Elaine : Please , please . It's really , really itchy .

Doctor writes more stuff in her chart

Jerry at apartment

Knock , knock

Postal Worker : Seinfeld ?

Jerry : Yeah .

Postal Worker : I got a package for you . Sign here .

Jerry : Who's it from ?

Postal Worker : No return address .

Jerry : What if I don't want it ?

Postal Worker : Are you refusing delivery ?

Jerry : Maybe I am .

Postal Worker : Why would you do that ?

Jerry : I've never done it before .

Postal Worker : Why start now ?

Jerry : Why not ?

Postal Worker : All right .

George walks in

George : Why did you refuse the package . Everybody loves a package .

Jerry : I don't know it was weird . Crazy printing . I don't know who it was

from .

George : What do you think it's a bomb ?

Jerry : It's not totally impossible .

George : Oh the ego on you .

Jerry : Why can't I be bombable ?

George : Who's going to bomb you . An airline for all the stupid little peanut

jokes .

Jerry : I suppose you think your bombable .

George : Hey . There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of

the way .

Jerry : There's more than a couple .

George : Hey . Check these out . I just picked them up from Sheila. She must

have loved these .

Jerry : You don't have a Mercedes .

George : I know . I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was

mine .

Jerry : The driver seems a little put out .

George : No . He was fine with it . Check that out .

Jerry : Is that Burt Reynolds ?

George : Wax Museum .

Jerry : Oh.

George : Oh . What is this ?

Jerry : That's a lot of skin .

George : This must be Sheila from the photo place .

Jerry : You can barely see her face .

George : She must have slipped it in here .

Kramer walks in

Kramer : I I I

George : Photo store Sheila .

Kramer : Well hello Photo store Sheila .

George : All right . I will see you boys later .

Jerry : Where are you going ?

George : To ask her out .

Kramer : No , no . Your not playing the game .

George : What game ?

Kramer : She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is "

Gee I really like your picture . Would you like to go out on a date with me

please . "

George : No good ?

Kramer : George . It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the

dance . She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back .

George : Oh , I don't know .

Kramer : Well as you know I've always been something of a photog .

Jerry : Oh yeah I like this idea .

Outside Uncle Leo's apartment

Uncle Leo : Hey Danny . Hello . How are you ?

Postal Worker Danny : Hey Leo . Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't

except his package .

Uncle Leo : Oh He wants it . He's just trying to be funny . Yeah I'll sign it

.

George and Elaine in taxi

Elaine : And then he starts writing on my chart .

George : Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like .

Elaine : You can't change your chart . It's your chart .

George : I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time .

Elaine : You are !?!

George : Hey . I've kept the same job for more than two years . It's not luck

. Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ?

Elaine : Yeah . I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card .

George : Oh yeah the nipple . But besides that . How did you feel about

Kramer's work ?

Elaine : Actually I thought he was very professional .

George : So it was a good experience .

Elaine : Oh yeah . In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple

and am using as my health club ID .

George : Nice .

Elaine : Yeah it is nice actually .

Elaine at another doctors

Elaine : I need to see Dr. Burke right away . This rash is spreading.

Attendant : He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy .

Elaine : Oh come on . Have some compassion . Okay well I hope it's contagious

Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck . Soon after Elaine finds her

chart and runs to the elevator

Elaine : Come on . Move . Oh hi Dr. Burke . I didn't know if uh....

Dr. Burke : The chart Miss Benes .

Elaine : Oh please no more .

The doctor writes more stuff in it

Jerry at his apartment

George walks in

Jerry : Hey

George : Where's Kramer ?

Jerry : He went to get some steak sauce . Why ?

George : Personal matter .

Phone rings

Jerry : Hello

Uncle Leo : Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello !

Jerry : Hello Leo . You don't have to yell .

Uncle Leo : I got your package .

Jerry : How did you get my package ?

Uncle Leo : What should I do with it ?

Jerry : I don't know what you should do with it .

George : Tell him to open it .

Jerry : I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.

Uncle Leo : Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The

Macardo . I want you to go see it with me .

Jerry : Open the package Leo .

Uncle Leo : Okay . Opening .

Jerry : Opening .

BOOM !!!

Elaine and Jerry at apartment

Elaine : So it wasn't a bomb .

Jerry : No , No bomb .

Elaine : Well then what ?

Jerry : Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners . He left the

canister in there and the pilot light was on . The whole thing blew up .

Elaine : But he's okay ?

Jerry : Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything .

He's all smooth now . Look's like a seal .

Elaine on phone

Elaine : Yeah I am still holding .

Jerry opens his package

Jerry : Is this my stereo ?

Kramer walks in

Kramer : Hey you got it .

Jerry : What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up .

Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I

insured it for $400 .

Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund .

Kramer : You can't get a refund . Your warranty expired two years ago .

Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?

Kramer : It's just a write off for them .

Jerry : How is it a write off ?

Kramer : They just write it off .

Jerry : Write it off what ?

Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything

Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is .

Kramer : Do you ?

Jerry : No . I don't .

Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off .

Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back .

Elaine still on phone

Elaine : What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come

on . I am dying here man . Hello , hello .

Jerry : Still no luck

Kramer leaves with a fan

Elaine : Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman . I am at the end of the alphabet .

Jerry : There's no Zorn or Zoutraph .

Elaine : There on vacation . Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am

.

Jerry : Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow

.

Elaine : Dr. Resnick . He's not listed .

Jerry : He's not that good .

Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment

George : Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff .

Kramer : Oh yeah . Elaine was a fun project . I enjoyed working with her .

George : You don't have your own camera .

Kramer : Uh no . Look at this . Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your

wearing .

George : I feel fat .

Kramer : No, no . You're stoked . The camera loves stokedness . Look were not

going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable . The key word is

tasteful . Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy . All

right let's do it . Okay come on . Feel the beat . Feel the beat . You know

you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt .

George : Well do you want me to take it off ?

Kramer : I don't know it's up to you .

George : Do you think it would be better if I did ?

Kramer : It might be . I mean whatever you want .

George : ALL RIGHT !!

Kramer ; That's it George . Come on , come on . Give it to me . Come on ,work

it . Work it . Yeah be a man , be a man .

Jerry leaving apartment

Kramer : You are a lover boy !!

Jerry : Oh yeah . This can't miss .

Elaine sleeping in bed

Phone rings

Elaine : Hello .

Guy : Is this Elaine Marie Benes ?

Elaine : Yes . Who it this ?

Guy : We are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the

correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s .

Elaine : Yeah . What is this all about

Guy : Good bye .

Elaine : Hello , hello .

Guy : What ?

Elaine : Oh uh uh ...

Guy : Get off the line . Were trying to make another call .

Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office

Uncle Leo : Elaine . Hello . What are you doing here ?

Elaine : Leo . Has the doctor been in yet ?

Uncle Leo : No . I am going to ask him about my eyebrows .

Elaine : Okay listen Leo . Your hairless , your scared . When the doctor comes

in let me do the talking . Okay .

Dr. Resnick walks in

Dr. Resnick : Leo . I heard you had a little mishap .

Uncle Leo : It was a fireball .

Elaine : I should have never left him alone .

Dr. Resnick : And who are you ?

Elaine : I am his nurse ... Poloma .

Uncle Leo : You're not my nurse .

Elaine : He has good days and bad .

Dr. Resnick : What seems to be the problem ?

Uncle Leo : Are my eyebrows going to grow back ?

Elaine : And he's has a bit of a rash .

Dr. Resnick : Really .

Elaine : Yeah .

Dr. Resnick : Well there's been a bit of that going around lately . Will you

excuse me Poloma . I just need to get some ointment .

Elaine : I don't like this , it is to easy .

Uncle Leo : Elaine ...

Elaine : Shut up ! I think he's on to us .

Uncle Leo : Elaine what about my eyebrows ?

Elaine : Shhhhhh . Here .

Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him

Kramer and Jerry at Post Office

Jerry : I don't like this Kramer . Will it be much longer ?

Attendant : I am sorry . It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your

under investigation .

Jerry : Investigation ?

Newman : Hello Jerry .

Jerry : Hello Newman .

Newman : Kramer you might as well run along . Jerry might be a while .

Suspicion of mail fraud .

Kramer : Mail fraud . Your in a lot of trouble buddy .

Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office

Dr. Resnick : I got your ointment . Where's your nurse ?

Uncle Leo : She left .

Dr. Resnick : No need to get angry . Calm down .

Uncle Leo : I am calm .

Dr. Resnick : Leo I don't care for your demeanor .

Uncle Leo : Demeanor ?

Dr. Resnick : Now your just being difficult .

Uncle Leo : What are you writing ?

George at photo store

George : So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday .

Sheila : I am glad George .

George : And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy .

Sheila : Great .

George : Shall we say an hour .

George leaves

Sheila : Hey Ron I got to go to lunch . Can you do a roll ?

Ron : No problem .

Sheila : By the way . You know that model that is always in here . She's

missing one of her lingerie shots . Have you seen it ?

Ron : No .

Jerry and Newman at the Post Office

Newman : All right . Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting

that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your

stereo . Huh . I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping .

Jerry : Define rarely .

Newman : Frequently .

Jerry : Are we about throw here Newman ?

Newman : It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld . Pretty ....... Hot

.

Jerry : Actually I am quite comfortable .

Newman : Can I have a sip ?

Jerry : No .

Newman : Not going to play ball . Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all

ready busted .

Jerry : You can't prove anything .

Newman : Is this or is this not your signature ?

Jerry : No in a matter of fact it isn't .

Newman : Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence . Jerry .

Kramer and Elaine at doctor's

Elaine : Get in there . Get chart . Get out . You got it .

Kramer : Yeah let me borrow your scarf .

Elaine : This .

Kramer : Yeah . All right one chart coming up .

Elaine : Okay .

Kramer : Bennette right ?

Elaine : Benes . My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah .

Newman walking down the street

Newman : Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry

.

Kramer at doctor's

Kramer : I like what you've done with that .

Attendant : May I help you ?

Kramer : Yes , yes . I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic . I need Elaine Benes

chart . She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very

bad very messy .

Attendant : I see and what clinic is that again ?

Kramer : That's correct .

Attendant : Excuse me .

Kramer : From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium .

Attendant : Really ?

Kramer : The Netherlands ?

Elaine : Where's my chart ? Did you get it ?

Kramer : No .

Elaine : What ? What happened ?

Kramer : I don't know . But now they got a chart on me .

George at photo store

Sheila : I don't know where they could be .

George : Can't find them . That's marvelous . The dance continues.

Sheila : Well if I find them I'll call you .

George : And maybe we could go out and do something .

Sheila : Sure .

Ron : Hello .

George : Hi .

George leaves

Sheila : So the little guy finally asked me out .

Ron : Really ?

Sheila : Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere .

Ron : Oh you know what happened . Some guy from the Post Office confiscated

them . He left his card .

Sheila : Newman ?

George and Jerry at Post Office

George : I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for .

Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen . I am so happy to see you both. There is just

some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out .

Jerry : I'm clean and you know it .

Newman : Clean ? Hardly . This looks like a man that isn't happy with his

stereo performance .

Jerry : Where did you get that ?

George : I think that's one of mine .

Newman : It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam.

Jerry : I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation .

Newman : Yes . It's called mail fraud . Oohhhh . How I've longed for this

moment Seinfeld . The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out

of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you

are . A monster so vile .....

Guy : NEWMAN !!

Newman : There will be a small fine .

Jerry : Okay .

George : Can we go now ?

Newman: Not so fast pretty boy . There is more to this sorted little affair .

Jerry : Oh my god !!

Newman : This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived

mail order pornography ring .As does this one found in the same disturbing

packet .

Newman holds up a picture of Ron

George : OH MY GOD !!!

Newman : We have some questions we'd like you to answer .

Jerry : I have some questions of my own .

Sheila walks in

Sheila : Hi . One of your mailmen ....... Oh my god , George !?!

George : Listen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong

person . He said the key word was tasteful .

Jerry : The timeless art of seduction .

George : SHEILA !!!

<Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">