# The Calzone

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first aired : 4/25/96

director : Andy Ackerman

writers : Berg / Schaffer

Characters :

Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld

Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer

Jason Alexander as George Costanza

and

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes

George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium

George : I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the stadium ,

don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend the doors

all the way to the floors ......

Mr. . Steinbrenner : All the way to the floor ! What are you crazy ! You'd

suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You know when I

was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It

looks pretty tasty .

George : It's a calzone , sir .

Mr. . Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at

at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's

a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?

George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .

Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay let's

get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent .

excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous now . Okay

lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good .

Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple of those

calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone.

Must have one . Everybody out . Out .

Jerry and Elaine at apartment

Elaine : One of those fabric wholesalers . This guy Todd Gack . I won a bet

from him .

Jerry : What bet ?

Elaine : He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars .

Jerry : Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars !?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader .

I don't think so .

Elaine : That's what I said .

Jerry : So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner ?

Elaine : Yeah .

Jerry : Huh .

Elaine : What ?

Jerry : No . nothing .

Kramer walks in

Jerry : What's with you ?

Kramer : Feel this .

Jerry : Wow .That's hot .

Kramer : Yeah . It's piquing hot . It's fresh out of the dryer . Hey Elaine

you have to feel my pants .

Elaine : I'll see you later .

Kramer : Oh . All right . You don't know what your missing . I'm loving this

Jerry . I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight

out of the dryer .

Jerry : So know every time you get dressed . You are going to go down to the

basement and use the dryer .

Kramer : Oh yeah . It's a warm and wonderful feeling , Jerry . So what are you

doing later ?

Jerry : I got a date with Nikki .

Kramer : Oh yeah she's a beauty .

Jerry : She's also quite bold .

Kramer : Oh bold and beautiful .

George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

Mr. Steinbrenner : I am loving this calzone . The pita pocket prevents it from

dripping . The pita pocket . (phone rings)What is it Watson ? A lost and found

. No . I don't think we need that . If people keel over because they lost

something that's there tough luck . You got a drip on your mouth by the way .

George : You know a lost and found could be a good idea .

Mr. Steinbrenner : Hold on Watson . You like lost and found George ?

George : Definitely .

Mr. Steinbrenner : All right lost and found . But these got to be a time limit

. We're not running a pawn shop here .

Jerry and Nikki at movies

Jerry : Hey , Elaine .

Elaine : Hi Jerry !

Jerry : This is Nikki .

Nikki : Hi !

Elaine : Hello . This is Todd Gack .

Jerry : Oh of course . Todd Gack . You did you bet was in Star Wars ? Sammy

Davis Jr.

Elaine : So what movie are you guys seeing ?

Nikki : "Means to an End "

Elaine : Oh . We were going to see that but it was sold out . So were going to

see " Blame it on the Rain "

Jerry : Why don't you see what you can do ?

Nikki : Okay .

Elaine : What's she going to do ? There's no more tickets .

Jerry : We'll see .

Todd : Hey Jerry . Do you like cigars ?

Jerry : Yeah . Why ?

Todd : I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap .

Jerry : Hey ,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding .

Todd : So do you want a box ?

Jerry : Sure . If there cheap Why not .

Todd : All right I buy a box and give to Elaine .

Nikki : Okay two tickets "Means to an End"

Jerry : Told you .

Elaine : How did you do that ?

Nikki : I just talked to the manager .

Jerry : All right . Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain "

Jerry and George at the coffee shop

George : There putting in a lost and found because of me . There's a time

limit but still .

Jerry : There really building a Utopian society up there huh .And you

tribute all this to the calzone .

George : Yeah . I am like a drug dealer . I got the guy hooked . I am having

lunch at his desk everyday this week . He doesn't make a move without me .

It's very exciting .

Jerry : With you two guys at the helm . The last piece of the puzzle is in

place.

George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little

thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and

just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am

leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't

notice it what's the point .

Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .

George : Not bills .

Jerry : So George . Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants .

We are at the movies last night . It's sold out . Nikki goes and talks to the

manager . Right in .

George : Beautiful women . You know they could get away with murder . You

never she any of them lift anything over three pounds . They get whatever they

want whenever they want it . You can't stop them .

Jerry : She's like a beautiful Godzilla .

George : Without thousands of fleeing Japanese .

Jerry and Kramer at his apartment

Kramer : Hey buddy .

Jerry : What the hell is all this ?

Kramer : I am looking for quarters for the dryer .

Jerry : Why can't you do this on your table ?

Kramer : Because I don't have a table .

Elaine walks in

Elaine : Hey .

Jerry : Hey . So how was "Blame it on the Rain ?"

Elaine : Huh . Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too .

Jerry : Oh !! Let me ask you a question . Was the movie part of the bet ?

Kramer leaves

Elaine : No . We were both in the mood for one .

Jerry : You know Elaine , It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of

close fiends ....

Elaine : Oh is that so .

Jerry : Absolutely . But I feel I must inform you that what happened last

night was more than a simple bet .

Elaine : What are you talking about ?

Jerry : Come on . Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars . He made a bet he knew he was

going to lose just to take you to dinner

Elaine : If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.

Jerry : Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected . He has

found a dating loop hole .

Elaine : I don't buy it.

Kramer walks in with more change

Jerry : So what happened after the movie ?

Elaine : Nothing . He walked me home .

Jerry : To the door ?

Elaine : Yeah .

Jerry : That's a date .

Elaine : No it's not .

Jerry : But I never walk you home .

Elaine : That's just because your a jackass .

Kramer : Ah !! I found a quarter . Anybody want there clothes heated up ?

Jerry : No , no .

Elaine : No , no .

Jerry : So how did you leave it with him ?

Elaine : I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars .

Jerry : That's another loop hole . That's two dates without asking you out .

Elaine : Your crazy !

Jerry : Crazy like a man .

George at Pisano's

Worker : Number 49.

George : You know my last name is Costanza . That's Italian . So you and I are

like country men . Pisano's !

Worker : $ 6.50 your change .

George : And I always take care of my Pisano's . So here is a little

something.

( drop in tip and worker looks the other way , so George decides to take it

out and try again only to get caught )

Worker : Hey ! You steal my money !!

George : No no . That's not what I was trying to do .

Worker : I know what you try to do . Get out . Don't ever come back ever .

George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

George : I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner .

Mr. Steinbrenner : Beautiful . I am starving George .

George : I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef .

Mr. Steinbrenner : Corn beef . I don't think so . It is a little fatty .

George : How about Chinese ?

Mr. Steinbrenner : Uhhhhh . No . Too many containers . Big mess , big mess .

Too sloppy .I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's . That's the

ticket .

George : I just thought it would be nice . A little variety .

Mr. Steinbrenner : No , no , no . George let me tell you something . When I

find something I like I stick with it . From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same

lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread bowl George

. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There's nothing more

satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table .

Todd walking Elaine to her apartment

Elaine : Thanks for the dinner .

Todd : Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry .

Elaine : Hey Todd . Let me ask you a question . Um . Was this whole date thing

just a way of asking me out ?

Todd : What ?

Elaine : I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars ?

Todd : Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner .

Elaine : Oh all right . Okay well , goodnight .

Todd : Hey , if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere

?

Elaine : See what is that ? Is that a date ?

Todd : Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date ?

Elaine : All right . I am sorry it's not a date .

Todd : No way . So I'll see you Saturday night ?

Elaine : All right .

Todd : Pick you up at 8:00 p.m.

Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop

Police officer : Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is ?

Jerry : I was got to be 55 .

Police officer : That's right it is . Do you know how fast you were going ?

Jerry : A lot faster than that !

Police officer : Step out of the car sir .

Jerry : Okay dokey

Police officer : Can I have your license and registration please ?

Jerry : Absolutely . Nikki !

Nikki : Yes .

Jerry : Would you mind bringing the officer the registration ?

Nikki : Not at all .

Police officer : I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour .

Jerry : You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because

for a while there I was doing well over 100 .

Nikki : Officer . Hi . Do you really have to give us a ticket ?

Jerry : All right Nik . That's it .

Kramer and Jerry at his apartment

Kramer : Hey buddy . I am waiting for my shirt .

Jerry : You got your shirt in my oven !?!

Kramer : I didn't have any quarters for the dryer . Anyway this is better .

And it's more convenient .

Jerry : For both of us .

Kramer : And I have a lot more control . I have one shirt going for 10 minutes

at 325 degrees .

Jerry : What's wrong with your oven ?

Kramer : I am baking a pie !

Buzz , buzz

Jerry : Yeah .

George : Yeah .

Jerry : Come on up .

Kramer : You got cigars , huh .

Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted

to pay for but what the hell !

Kramer : Oh yeah baby . spit , spit . What are these ? " Perducto de Peru "

Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming .

Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in

Peru for $300 bucks !

Kramer : You got ripped buddy .

Jerry : I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse

to see Elaine again without asking her out .

Kramer : That's a nice name . Todd Gack . Is that Dutch ? ( Dingggggg )

Oh baby . Here we go . Uh momma .(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt

on ) Hey George hey .

Kramer leaves

George : Well this is bad . I am really in a bad situation now .

Jerry : so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones ?

George : What's he going to do ? That's exactly the point . Nobody knows what

this guy is capable of ! He fires people like it is a bodily function .

Jerry : Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for

you ?

George : Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him . You know

how these interoffice politics work .

Jerry : No . I never had a job .

Kramer walks in with no pants on

Kramer : I decided to go with the brown one 's . (pants)

George : What the hell is this ?

Jerry : Kramer's cooking up some corduroy .

George : There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's .

Kramer : Pisano's . That's the place by the stadium right ?

George : Yeah . You've heard of it ?

Kramer : Yeah . Newman raves about it . It's on his mail route . He goes by

there everyday .

George : I'll see you guys later .

Jerry : What kind of pie are you cooking ?

Kramer : Huckleberry .

George at Newman's apartment

Newman : You certainly are in a bind .

George : Yeah . And since you go buy there everyday . I was hoping that we

could help each other out .

Newman : Oh well . Let me perfectly blunt . I don't care for you Costanza .

You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just

it up wasting your lives .

George : Are you going to help me or not ?

Newman : All right , all right . I'll help you but I will except something in

return .

George : What ?

Newman : Well for starters I want a calzone of my own .....

George : All right .

Newman : And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a

week I will require a canolie .

George : That's a little steep don't you think ?

Newman : You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic . I would hate

to see him when he's hungry .

George : All right , all right .

Newman : Do we have a deal ?

George : But I have to have them by one o'clock . He's very regiment about his

meals .

Newman : I know exactly how he feels . Pleasure doing business with you . Do

come again . Ha , ha , ha , ha .

Todd and Elaine at a restaurant

Elaine : This is nice .

Todd : Gack . Party of four .

Elaine : Party of four ? Who are we meeting ?

Todd : Mom ! Dad ! This is Elaine .

Mom : Hello .

Elaine : Hellllllooooo .

End of dinner

Mom : Nice meeting you .

Todd : Bye mom .

Mom : She's wonderful .

Elaine : What the hell was that ?

Todd : What ?

Elaine : Why did you introduce me to your parents ?

Todd : There nice people . I thought you would like them .

Elaine : Come on Todd . Admit it , this is a date .

Todd : Why is this a date ?

Elaine : Saturday night with your parents . Unless I'm your sister this is a

date.

Todd : Elaine . I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents

without classifying it as a date .

Elaine : Well if it's not a date then what is it ?

Todd : It's a lovely evening together .

Elaine : I don't believe this .

Todd : Well I am getting a cab want to join me ?

Elaine : No . I'll just walk home .

Todd : Okay goodnight . ( goes to kiss her )

Elaine : Now what was that ?

George at Newman's apartment

Knock , knock

Newman : Hello . What 's this ?

George : Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week .... Um

shouldn't you be at work by now ?

Newman : Work ? It's raining .

George : Soooooo

Newman : I called in sick . I don't work in the rain .

George : You don't work in the rain ? Your a mailman . " Neither rain nor sleet

nor snow ....." It's the first one .

Newman : I was never that big on creeds .

George : You were supposed to deliver my calzones . We had a deal !

Newman : I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route .

Well today I won't be going on my mail route ! Will I . Perhaps tomorrow .

George : But I'm paying you !

Newman : Yes thank you . ( slams door )

George : Newman !!

Nikki and Jerry at his apartment

Nikki : Peru ? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba ?

Jerry : I did .

Nikki : Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him ?

Jerry : Well what could I do ? Unless you pay him a visit .

Nikki : Okay .

George at Kramer's apartment

Knock , knock

George : Kramer !

Kramer : Hey you !

George : Look I need you to do me a favor . I need you to get me lunch at

Pisano's .

Kramer : What happened to Newman ?

George : He called in sick .

Kramer : Oh yeah right it's raining .

George : Can you do it ?

Kramer : What time do you need it at ?

George : 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money ?

Kramer : No . I got eight tons of change . I'm loaded .

Kramer on street

Kramer : Hey hold that bus !

Kramer at Pisano's

Kramer : Hey . It's really wet out there .

Worker : What can I get you ?

Kramer : I here you make a pretty mean calzone .

Worker : Calzone !

Kramer : Yeah calzone .

Worker : The best !

Kramer : All right . Lay them on me . I'll take three .

Worker : Three calzones .

Kramer : Hey . That's a big oven . Huh . Listen . I was wondering if you could

do me a favor .

Elaine goes to the coffee shop

Elaine : Hey Todd .

Todd : Hi . You know Nikki .

Elaine Yeah sure .

Nikki : Wait . Elaine will settle this . What's the "M" stand for in Richard

M. Nixon ?

Elaine : Milhouse .

Nikki : I told you so . He said it was Moe . You owe me a dinner .

Kramer at Pisano's

Worker : Your order is ready . Three calzones and one shirt and jacket .

Kramer : Oh . This is all burned up . Look at this .

Worker : What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt ? What the hell is

this? Your paying in pennies ?

Kramer : That's all I got .

Worker : No . You have to have bills . Paper money . You can't pay with this.

Kramer : I told you this is all I got .

Worker : Then no calzones .

Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian

George's office at Yankee Stadium

George : What happened ? Where have you been ?

Kramer : The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change .

George : What the hell happened to your shirt ?

Kramer : He overcooked it . It's ruined .

George : Your clothes smell just like Pisano's . There's another Italian place

on Jerome . Maybe I can fool him .

Mr. Steinbrenner at his office

Mr. Steinbrenner on phone : That's right . Do you want to say it again . I'll

say it again . I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care

that you don't believe me or not . And how's this . Your fired . Okay your not

.I am just a little hungry . Where's Costanza with my calzone . It's 1:15 .

He's late . That smell . I have to call you back . Costanza . He's in the

building . Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office . Costanza

! I'll get you .

Jerry and Elaine at apartment

Jerry : Stupid cigars . You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him

they wouldn't be together .

Elaine : These are terrible .

Jerry : It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone .

Elaine : What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway .

Jerry : I think it's Dutch . I got to get going .

Elaine : Where are you going ?

Jerry : I ... uh ....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her .

Elaine : But she broke up with you .

Jerry : I know , I know . But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't

say no .

Elaine : It smells like a rubber fire .

Jerry :What's that ?

Elaine : I said rubber fire .

Jerry : Oh .

Elaine : Did you ever pay Todd for these things ?

Jerry : Actually it's being taken care of right now .

Kramer at Todd's apartment

Knock , knock

Kramer : You Gack ?

Todd : Yeah .

Kramer : Here's your money .

Kramer throws a bag full of change at him

Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office

Mr. Steinbrenner : George . Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's ?

George : Because they were heated up there .

Mr. Steinbrenner : Heating up your clothes ? That's not a bad idea .