# The Chinese Woman

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Episode #90 (6.04: season 6, episode 4), 13 Oct 1994.

The Cast:

Character Actor

Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld

George Costanza Jason Alexander

Kramer Michael Richards

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Donna Chang Angela Dohrmann

Estelle Costanza Estelle Harris

Frank Costanza Jerry Stiller

The "Cape man" is played by Larry David.

Character Actor
Doctor (Dr. Korval) William Utay

This episode is about Jerry Seinfeld's series of dates with Donna Chang. Jerry had the notion that she was about to date a Chinese woman because of Donna's surname. She was surprised after their first date but liked Donna even though she was not Chinese. Their first date would have been more romantic and worthwhile if Jerry obtained the services a car rental company like perfect car hire. Perfect car hire is a premier car rental company in Ireland that offers quality service for their valued customers.

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[Opening Monologue]

I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in
there with the chopsticks. Because if you think about it, you know, they've seen
the fork by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon. They're going, "Yeah, they're
okay. We're gonna stay with the sticks.". I mean, I don't know how they missed
it. Thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up has his breakfast with the
chopsticks goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel. Hello? Shovel?
Not going out there plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

[JERRY and ELAINE walking down the street. ELAINE is carrying two

plastic grocery bags and one big paper grocery bag. JERRY is carrying

none and is pretending to not notice the discrepancy.]

JERRY

Good shave today..

ELAINE

[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm

fine.

JERRY

I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little..

ELAINE

Can we rest here a second.

JERRY

[pause] Yeah, I guess.

[She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.]

JERRY

.. So how's Noreen?

ELAINE

Mm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.

JERRY

Already? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker..

ELAINE

No, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he

won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of

chit-chat.

JERRY

A Long Talker.

ELAINE

Yeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: I

just hang up.

JERRY

[pause] All right; let's move it out.

[ELAINE gets her bags.]

JERRY

Hey, isn't that George's father?

ELAINE

Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello?

JERRY

I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.

ELAINE

That man he's with: is he wearing a cape?

JERRY

I believe he is wearing a cape.

ELAINE

Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?

JERRY

Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.

ELAINE

Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

JERRY

You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of

the street. Cover me.

[ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY walks

by her so he's out of view, too.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]

[Commercial Break]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."]

JERRY

Just, ah, plop it on the counter there.

[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the counter.

He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during the

following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags and

puts some in one bag--presumably hers.]

JERRY

Oh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine]

GEORGE

[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep]

ELAINE

That sounds Urgent..

JERRY

Let me call him back..

Hello?? Who is this?

Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.

ELAINE

Donna Chang?

JERRY

[is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.

ELAINE

Isn't that a little racist?

JERRY

If I like their race, how can that be racist?..

Hellooo??..

Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..

Yyy-yes, I am calling George..

Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what do you

know?!

[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the line to

chat with Donna.]

JERRY

So listen..

KRAMER

I'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin' to?

ELAINE

He's on with a Chinese woman.

KRAMER

Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted, pulling

down his underwear in back, through his pants]

ELAINE

You got a.. comfort problem there?

KRAMER

Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

ELAINE

I thought you wore silk underwear.

KRAMER

No. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stay

with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.

Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house.

ELAINE

[not charmed..] That's nice.

Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't

wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.

KRAMER

Sperm count?

Well how many ssssperm should I have?

ELAINE

A lot.

[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off the

phone.]

JERRY

I got a date!

ELAINE

With the Chinese woman?!

JERRY

She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever

with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.

KRAMER

Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?

JERRY

No, why should I? I wear boxers.

KRAMER

You ever get a woman pregnant?

JERRY

I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed..

KRAMER

What would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"?

JERRY

Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??..

Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I--

KRAMER

A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out]

Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!

JERRY

Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted.

KRAMER

Well, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing extinction!

JERRY

Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.

KRAMER

Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the middle

of the day??

ELAINE

Does that conflict with your regular schedule?

[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]

ELAINE

[going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package of them]

All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.

JERRY

I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!

ELAINE

She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?

JERRY

She suggested it!

ELAINE

I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..

JERRY

She's very assimilated.

[Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the other end.

ELAINE quickly hangs up.]

JERRY

Paul again?

ELAINE

[matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him.

[GEORGE comes in.]

GEORGE

Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!

JERRY

I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!

GEORGE

Uh?

ELAINE

[coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of the

couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on the

street before.

GEORGE

What's he doin' in the city today?

[They both shrug.]

GEORGE

You didn't ask him?

[They both shake heads no. Elaine's eating chips.]

GEORGE

You didn't say hello?

ELAINE

Well, he was with someone.

A man.. In a cape.

GEORGE

Why was he wearing a cape?..

[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]

GEORGE

Was my father wearing a cape?

JERRY

No. Jacket and tie: no cape.

GEORGE

Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape doin'

with my father?.. What was my father doing with a man in a cape? ..

[opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Fertility clinic. In an examination room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR

comes in.]

DOCTOR

The results of your sperm test are in.

Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family?

KRAMER

Yes! I would like to! Very much!..

Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...

DOCTOR

Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.

KRAMER

Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to

procreate! I--

DOCTOR

Hey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take to

improve your fertility.

KRAMER

All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come

on, Doc, tell me.

DOCTOR

First thing: you should wear boxer shorts.

KRAMER

All the time?

DOCTOR

All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.

KRAMER

Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[At Elaine's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing a hair

dryer onto the phone.]

ELAINE

Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!

Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk.

Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well you can

just tell her I called, then, an'--

Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately..

Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna..

[a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too..

Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car..

seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off the

phone. [hangs up]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, in a good mood,

sitting next to a GUY.]

HOSTESS

Just let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.

JERRY

Yes, I will.

GUY

[indicating a cigarette] Mind?

JERRY

[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day.

[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.]

DONNA

Jerry.

JERRY

[pause] 'scuse me?

DONNA

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

JERRY

Who're you?

DONNA

I'm Donna Chang..

JERRY

[stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean?

DONNA

I mean: I'm Donna Chang.

JERRY

[pause] You're Donna Chang?

DONNA

Did you think I was Chinese?..

JERRY

Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"?

DONNA

Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.

JERRY

I didn't think so.

DONNA

It used to be "Changstein."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl of

Raisin Bran.]

ELAINE

She's not Chinese?

JERRY

No. Not Chinese.

Not even Asian.

ELAINE

So. What is she?

JERRY

Well, she's.. like you.

ELAINE

[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch, with

her cereal]

JERRY

Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes

people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always

introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..

ELAINE

So why're you seeing her again..

JERRY

Well, she is a woman.

ELAINE

I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.

JERRY

Really?

ELAINE

Well, maybe.

JERRY

[sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if

Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?

ELAINE

[pause] What do you mean?

JERRY

Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because he

was having an affair with Noreen?

[As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile

of underwear in his hands.]

KRAMER

Here. Take my Jockey shorts.

[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward

around the apartment during the following.]

ELAINE

Whoa! Whoa!

JERRY

What is that?!!

KRAMER

Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.

JERRY

Wha--you have a low sperm count?

KRAMER

Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.

JERRY

Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.

KRAMER

Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one

pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!

JERRY

Look! I don't want 'em!

KRAMER

All it takes is one pair! Now, come on!

JERRY

I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!

[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his own

pants.]

KRAMER

Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up,

they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flip

pin'! I'm floppin'!

[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]

KRAMER

What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]

JERRY

[calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have to

move now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.]

FRANK

Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.

GEORGE

Plenty of mosquitoes.

FRANK

Queens is full of mosquitoes.

GEORGE

So, Dad..

FRANK

Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.

GEORGE

Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!

FRANK

Your mother has to tell you every move I make!?

GEORGE

No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.

FRANK

They didn't say hello?

GEORGE

Well, they were in a rush.

FRANK

They couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them.

GEORGE

They, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape, ha ha.

FRANK

Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the

word--supercilious.

GEORGE

So Dad.

FRANK

How could Jerry not say Hello?!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Night. At Jerry's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch and he's

drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.]

JERRY

So did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet?

DONNA

No. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous(sic).

JERRY

[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should he say something--can't

decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?

DONNA

Ridiculous.

JERRY

[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic) [he and she look at each

other, puzzled.]

[GEORGE comes in.]

JERRY

Oh, what are you doing here?

GEORGE

Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know

you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.

DONNA

Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself registers

that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.]

I just spoke to your mother before.

GEORGE

[pause] You spoke to my mother?

DONNA

She was trying to call you, but--

JERRY

The rines(sic) were crossed?

[They both look at him weird.]

GEORGE

Did you say, "The rines(sic) were crossed?"

JERRY

Did I?

DONNA

[pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour!

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

GEORGE

Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?

DONNA

Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.

[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes to the

oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]

[Commercial Break]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's left. Elaine's there.]

ELAINE

Divorced. That's really too bad..

JERRY

Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years

ago. He could have been normal.

GEORGE

[coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?! If

they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many

visits!

JERRY

I never thought of that.

GEORGE

Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless] Haha!

It's like runnin' the double marathon!

ELAINE

Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?

JERRY

Have you ever spent any time with these people..?

GEORGE

You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you he is

mixed up in this!

I don't trust men in capes.

JERRY

You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a

cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand

here an' let you say something bad about him.

GEORGE

All right Superman's the exception.

ELAINE

[has been watching that with amazed disbelief]

[KRAMER enters.]

KRAMER

Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I

want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had a

thing for Noreen.

ELAINE

Oh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.

KRAMER

Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my

fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy moves]

JERRY

Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers..

KRAMER

Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.

JERRY

You went back to the Jockeys?

KRAMER

Wrong again.

JERRY

[pause] Oh, no.

ELAINE

What? What?..

JERRY

Don't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys..

ELAINE

Eeaawww...

JERRY

The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine..

JERRY

Kramer, say it isn't so.

KRAMER

Oh, it be so.

I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!

JERRY

Don't you need a little.. help?

KRAMER

Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave,

still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the

countryside!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter. We're

looking straight at them.]

ELAINE

Well, you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!..

NOREEN

Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while..

ELAINE

Oh, he went insane?..

NOREEN

Believe it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because

somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of

a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over?

ELAINE

[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I

don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna,

talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always

making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that

the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!

NOREEN

[has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't believe

that was you..

ELAINE

[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen..

NOREEN

[pause] So you thought he was boring?

ELAINE

Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha.

NOREEN

[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRY

What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship

you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!

ELAINE

I know--

JERRY

First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.

ELAINE

Well, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same.

JERRY

So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're

reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.

ELAINE

[apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.

JERRY

Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman!

Anything you say she does!

[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.]

JERRY

Yeah.

DONNA

It's Donna Chang.

JERRY

[hits button] Come on up.

ELAINE

Well, I guess I just didn't realize it..

JERRY

Well, let's look back on your history with this woman. Okay?

ELAINE

Okay..

JERRY

First, you encouraged her to join: The Army. .. She did.

ELAINE

She was lost..

JERRY

Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL! She did!

ELAINE

Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun..

JERRY

You know.. You better make sure you never tell this woman to jump off

the Brooklyn Bridge..

ELAINE

If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an'

tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!

[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly, good mood.]

DONNA

Hi.

JERRY

Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..

[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE: Hi! Good to meet you.]

DONNA

[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting

divorced.

JERRY

Why? What happened?

DONNA

Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for

an hour, she changed her mind!!!

JERRY

Wow! That's amazing!

DONNA

Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner! She said

you should come too.

JERRY

Tonight?

DONNA

Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture class.

[goes to phone]

[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly exchange looks.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Same day. At the Costanzas', are GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE

just entered. ESTELLE's snacking watching TV.]

GEORGE

All right. Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this is goin'

to happen. No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings,

you're out of your minds!!!

ESTELLE

[calmly] We're not getting divorced.

FRANK

You mother changed her mind.. [tries to catch a fly with his hand]

GEORGE

[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's Very good! I'm very glad to hear

that.

FRANK

Yeah. We worked it out.

GEORGE

All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape?

FRANK

He was my lawyer.

GEORGE

You lawyer wears a cape..?

FRANK

Yeah. So what?

GEORGE

Who wears a cape?

FRANK

He's very independent; doesn't follow the trends.

ESTELLE

He looks ridiculous in that thing..

FRANK

You have no eye for fashion!!!

ESTELLE

I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!

GEORGE

All right! Come on!

Let's not fight.

FRANK and ESTELLE

All right! All right!

ESTELLE

Georgie's right.

GEORGE

So what made you change your mind?

ESTELLE

It was that Chinese woman.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, DONNA CHANG is with him.]

JERRY

So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind?

DONNA

I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.

JERRY

[pause] Confucius, huh?

DONNA

Yeah.

JERRY

[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The Costanzas again. They open the door for JERRY and DONNA.]

JERRY

Hey! I heard the good news!

FRANK

Jerry: how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!

JERRY

Elaine was.. in a rush.

FRANK

I knew it was Elaine!!

DONNA

You must be Estelle.

ESTELLE

Yes. Who are you..?

DONNA

I'm Donna Chang!

ESTELLE

You're not Chinese!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment. NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on the

couch when the phone rings. KRAMER picks it up. Scene cuts back and

forth between ELAINE and them.]

KRAMER

Hello?

ELAINE

Paul?

KRAMER

Elaine!

ELAINE

Kramer?

KRAMER

[pause] Yeahh!

ELAINE

What're you doin' there?

KRAMER

Wellll, isn't it obvious?

ELAINE

Uh! Ah, is Noreen there?

KRAMER

Yes, she is..

ELAINE

Well? Can I talk to her?

KRAMER

What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?

ELAINE

[tired] Fine--would you just put her on?

KRAMER

Well, I feel it'd be best if you just didn't talk to her for a while..

ELAINE

You feel?

KRAMER

That's right!

She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the

destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years..

ELAINE

What are you insane?!

KRAMER

From now, on, I'll be calling the shots around here..

ELAINE

Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna tell her?

KRAMER

Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army..

There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now..

And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do..

ELAINE

Uh! Kramer! You have got to let me talk to her!

KRAMER

Can't help ya, kid.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Back at the Costanzas'. Still daylight.]

ESTELLE

You're not Chinese!?!?

DONNA

[pause] No.

ESTELLE

I thought you were Chinese!!

DONNA

I'm from Long Island.

ESTELLE

Long Island?!?!

I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!!

DONNA

I'm sorry..?

ESTELLE

Well! Then, that changes everything!

GEORGE

What?!

ESTELLE

She's not Chinese; I was duped!!

GEORGE

So what?! She gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chi

nese?!?!

ESTELLE

I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! [goes into

kitchen]

GEORGE

[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce because

she's from Long Island?!?!

FRANK

[from the living room, standing, shouts after them] You want a

divorce?!!? You got one!!!

JERRY

[pause, to DONNA] You know, you might wanna think about changin' your

name..

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking down the street.]

ELAINE

So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me!

JERRY

Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the

Chinese.

ELAINE

[pause] You know, everybody listens to the Chinese.

I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in

any other restaurant.

JERRY

[has just bought a newspaper out of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading

any rolled-up messages in a knish..

[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets out.]

GEORGE

Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!

JERRY

Hey.

GEORGE

I predicted it! [hits cab roof twice, it drives off]

Saw both of them today!

What a disaster!

I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch

together. Never had, Lunch, with my mother before--it's like a date!

Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We

played "Clue"! All day with this!

[KRAMER sticks his head out of his (or Jerry's) apartment window, shouts

down to them.]

KRAMER

Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late!

She's laaate!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[End of Act II time: 9:18]

[Commercial Break]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[During credit roll. Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over the

edge, the wind blowing up on her face. Then a man in a black cape edges

over to her cautiously, reaches and holds her forearm.]

NOREEN

Who are you?!

MAN

[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her get

back off (and out of view of the camera).]

[The End-- Total transcript time: 21:22]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

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