From 04689fafad7a051d642a1ec1fe2426f3498baa8b Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Paul Dino Jones Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2020 23:51:01 -0500 Subject: [PATCH] Initial commit of scripts --- Highlights-of-100-1.html | 235 +++ Highlights-of-100-2.html | 227 +++ MaleUnbonding.htm | 723 +++++++ The-Clip-Show-1.html | 233 +++ The-Clip-Show-2.html | 236 +++ TheAbstinence.htm | 732 +++++++ TheAirport.htm | 946 +++++++++ TheAlternateSide.htm | 1276 +++++++++++++ TheAndreaDoria.htm | 920 +++++++++ TheApartment.htm | 738 ++++++++ TheApology.htm | 899 +++++++++ TheBabyShower.htm | 745 ++++++++ TheBarber.htm | 730 +++++++ TheBeard.htm | 759 ++++++++ TheBetrayal.htm | 934 +++++++++ TheBigSalad.html | 698 +++++++ TheBizarroJerry.htm | 1142 +++++++++++ TheBlood.html | 766 ++++++++ TheBookstore.htm | 809 ++++++++ TheBottleDeposit1.html | 951 ++++++++++ TheBottleDeposit2.html | 1343 +++++++++++++ TheBoyfriend1.htm | 1189 ++++++++++++ TheBoyfriend2.htm | 760 ++++++++ TheBris.htm | 1199 ++++++++++++ TheBubbleBoy.htm | 784 ++++++++ TheBurning.html | 1144 +++++++++++ TheBusboy.htm | 719 +++++++ TheButterShave.htm | 927 +++++++++ TheCaddy.html | 1265 +++++++++++++ TheCadillac1.html | 1479 +++++++++++++++ TheCadillac2.html | 1326 +++++++++++++ TheCafe.html | 743 ++++++++ TheCalzone.htm | 814 ++++++++ TheCartoon.htm | 779 ++++++++ TheChaperone.html | 727 +++++++ TheChecks.html | 1696 +++++++++++++++++ TheCheeverLetters.htm | 896 +++++++++ TheChickenRoaster.htm | 815 ++++++++ TheChineseRestaurant.htm | 756 ++++++++ TheChineseWoman.htm | 1219 ++++++++++++ TheCigarStoreIndian.htm | 1388 ++++++++++++++ TheComeback.html | 1506 +++++++++++++++ TheContest.htm | 882 +++++++++ TheConversion.htm | 826 ++++++++ TheCouch.html | 1147 +++++++++++ TheDeal.htm | 1275 +++++++++++++ TheDealership.htm | 943 +++++++++ TheDinnerParty.html | 726 +++++++ TheDiplomatClub.htm | 750 ++++++++ TheDog.htm | 691 +++++++ TheDoll.htm | 817 ++++++++ TheDoodle.htm | 836 ++++++++ TheDoorman.html | 1597 ++++++++++++++++ TheEngagement.html | 731 +++++++ TheEnglishPatient.html | 1677 ++++++++++++++++ TheExGirlfriend.htm | 740 ++++++++ TheFacePainter.html | 1223 ++++++++++++ TheFatigues.html | 1133 +++++++++++ TheFinale.htm | 2116 +++++++++++++++++++++ TheFire.html | 721 +++++++ TheFixUp.html | 1157 +++++++++++ TheFoundation.html | 1161 ++++++++++++ TheFriarsClub.html | 1808 ++++++++++++++++++ TheFrogger.htm | 798 ++++++++ TheFusilliJerry.htm | 920 +++++++++ TheGlasses.html | 736 +++++++ TheGoodSamaritan.html | 1264 +++++++++++++ TheGum.html | 1067 +++++++++++ TheGymnast.html | 751 ++++++++ TheHamptons.htm | 1136 +++++++++++ TheHandicapSpot.html | 1205 ++++++++++++ TheHeartAttack.htm | 846 +++++++++ TheHotTub.htm | 870 +++++++++ TheImplant.html | 1023 ++++++++++ TheInvitations.htm | 792 ++++++++ TheJacket.htm | 715 +++++++ TheJimmy.htm | 893 +++++++++ TheJuniorMints.htm | 1142 +++++++++++ TheJunkMail.htm | 839 ++++++++ TheKeys.html | 752 ++++++++ TheKissHello.html | 1182 ++++++++++++ TheLabelMaker.html | 1296 +++++++++++++ TheLetter.htm | 889 +++++++++ TheLibrary.htm | 737 ++++++++ TheLimo.html | 1079 +++++++++++ TheLipReader.htm | 750 ++++++++ TheLittleJerry.html | 750 ++++++++ TheLittleKicks.htm | 1101 +++++++++++ TheMaestro.htm | 906 +++++++++ TheMaid.htm | 840 ++++++++ TheMango.html | 623 ++++++ TheMarineBiologist.htm | 944 +++++++++ TheMasseuse.html | 1237 ++++++++++++ TheMervGriffinShow.htm | 711 +++++++ TheMillennium.html | 1418 ++++++++++++++ TheMomAndPopStore.html | 1108 +++++++++++ TheMoney.html | 1541 +++++++++++++++ TheMovie.htm | 866 +++++++++ TheMuffinTops.htm | 758 ++++++++ TheNap.html | 672 +++++++ TheNonFatYogurt.html | 1032 ++++++++++ TheNoseJob.html | 812 ++++++++ TheNote.html | 1060 +++++++++++ TheOldMan.htm | 793 ++++++++ TheOpera.html | 925 +++++++++ TheOpposite.htm | 759 ++++++++ TheOuting.htm | 1059 +++++++++++ ThePackage.htm | 768 ++++++++ TheParkingGarage.htm | 758 ++++++++ TheParkingSpace.html | 1370 ++++++++++++++ ThePen.html | 822 ++++++++ ThePezDispenser.htm | 766 ++++++++ ThePhoneMessage.htm | 855 +++++++++ ThePick.htm | 735 +++++++ ThePie.html | 783 ++++++++ ThePilot.html | 1085 +++++++++++ ThePilot2.html | 1047 ++++++++++ ThePitch.htm | 1175 ++++++++++++ ThePledgeDrive.html | 1260 ++++++++++++ ThePonyRemark.htm | 702 +++++++ ThePoolGuy.html | 1478 +++++++++++++++ ThePostponement.html | 713 +++++++ ThePothole.htm | 1592 ++++++++++++++++ ThePuertoRicanDay.htm | 813 ++++++++ ThePuffyShirt.htm | 711 +++++++ TheRace.html | 729 +++++++ TheRaincoats.html | 2037 ++++++++++++++++++++ TheRaincoats2.html | 2036 ++++++++++++++++++++ TheRedDot.htm | 681 +++++++ TheRevenge.htm | 724 +++++++ TheReversePeephole.htm | 768 ++++++++ TheRobbery.htm | 759 ++++++++ TheRye.htm | 796 ++++++++ TheScofflaw.htm | 1465 ++++++++++++++ TheSecretCode2.htm | 1214 ++++++++++++ TheSecretary.html | 1469 ++++++++++++++ TheSeinfeldChronicles.htm | 721 +++++++ TheSerenityNow.htm | 796 ++++++++ TheSeven.html | 3790 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TheShoes.html | 1080 +++++++++++ TheShowerhead.htm | 926 +++++++++ TheSlicer.html | 795 ++++++++ TheSmellyCar.htm | 1087 +++++++++++ TheSniffingAccountant.htm | 801 ++++++++ TheSoulMate.html | 1113 +++++++++++ TheSoup.html | 1503 +++++++++++++++ TheSoupNazi.htm | 1113 +++++++++++ TheSponge.html | 760 ++++++++ TheStakeout.htm | 883 +++++++++ TheStall.htm | 1173 ++++++++++++ TheStand-In.html | 1272 +++++++++++++ TheStatue.htm | 745 ++++++++ TheStockTip.htm | 701 +++++++ TheStranded.html | 1274 +++++++++++++ TheStrike.htm | 861 +++++++++ TheStrongbox.htm | 876 +++++++++ TheSubway.htm | 751 ++++++++ TheSuicide.html | 746 ++++++++ TheSummerofGeorge.htm | 1251 ++++++++++++ TheSuzie.htm | 1385 ++++++++++++++ TheSwitch.htm | 817 ++++++++ TheTape.htm | 742 ++++++++ TheTicket.html | 808 ++++++++ TheTrip1.htm | 1307 +++++++++++++ TheTrip2.html | 994 ++++++++++ TheTruth.htm | 745 ++++++++ TheUnderstudy.html | 652 +++++++ TheVanBurenBoys.htm | 786 ++++++++ TheVirgin.htm | 736 +++++++ TheVisa.html | 1203 ++++++++++++ TheVoice.htm | 1116 +++++++++++ TheWaitOut.htm | 444 +++++ TheWallet.html | 733 +++++++ TheWatch.html | 1520 +++++++++++++++ TheWife.html | 820 ++++++++ TheWigMaster.htm | 861 +++++++++ TheWink.html | 737 ++++++++ TheWizard.htm | 849 +++++++++ TheYadaYada.htm | 685 +++++++ 179 files changed, 175796 insertions(+) create mode 100644 Highlights-of-100-1.html create mode 100644 Highlights-of-100-2.html create mode 100644 MaleUnbonding.htm create mode 100644 The-Clip-Show-1.html create mode 100644 The-Clip-Show-2.html create mode 100644 TheAbstinence.htm create mode 100644 TheAirport.htm create mode 100644 TheAlternateSide.htm create mode 100644 TheAndreaDoria.htm create mode 100644 TheApartment.htm create mode 100644 TheApology.htm create mode 100644 TheBabyShower.htm create mode 100644 TheBarber.htm create mode 100644 TheBeard.htm create mode 100644 TheBetrayal.htm create mode 100644 TheBigSalad.html create mode 100644 TheBizarroJerry.htm create mode 100644 TheBlood.html create mode 100644 TheBookstore.htm create mode 100644 TheBottleDeposit1.html create mode 100644 TheBottleDeposit2.html create mode 100644 TheBoyfriend1.htm create mode 100644 TheBoyfriend2.htm create mode 100644 TheBris.htm create mode 100644 TheBubbleBoy.htm create mode 100644 TheBurning.html create mode 100644 TheBusboy.htm create mode 100644 TheButterShave.htm create mode 100644 TheCaddy.html create mode 100644 TheCadillac1.html create mode 100644 TheCadillac2.html create mode 100644 TheCafe.html create mode 100644 TheCalzone.htm create mode 100644 TheCartoon.htm create mode 100644 TheChaperone.html create mode 100644 TheChecks.html create mode 100644 TheCheeverLetters.htm create mode 100644 TheChickenRoaster.htm create mode 100644 TheChineseRestaurant.htm create mode 100644 TheChineseWoman.htm create mode 100644 TheCigarStoreIndian.htm create mode 100644 TheComeback.html create mode 100644 TheContest.htm create mode 100644 TheConversion.htm create mode 100644 TheCouch.html create mode 100644 TheDeal.htm create mode 100644 TheDealership.htm create mode 100644 TheDinnerParty.html create mode 100644 TheDiplomatClub.htm create mode 100644 TheDog.htm create mode 100644 TheDoll.htm create mode 100644 TheDoodle.htm create mode 100644 TheDoorman.html create mode 100644 TheEngagement.html create mode 100644 TheEnglishPatient.html create mode 100644 TheExGirlfriend.htm create mode 100644 TheFacePainter.html create mode 100644 TheFatigues.html create mode 100644 TheFinale.htm create mode 100644 TheFire.html create mode 100644 TheFixUp.html create mode 100644 TheFoundation.html create mode 100644 TheFriarsClub.html create mode 100644 TheFrogger.htm create mode 100644 TheFusilliJerry.htm create mode 100644 TheGlasses.html create mode 100644 TheGoodSamaritan.html create mode 100644 TheGum.html create mode 100644 TheGymnast.html create mode 100644 TheHamptons.htm create mode 100644 TheHandicapSpot.html create mode 100644 TheHeartAttack.htm create mode 100644 TheHotTub.htm create mode 100644 TheImplant.html create mode 100644 TheInvitations.htm create mode 100644 TheJacket.htm create mode 100644 TheJimmy.htm create mode 100644 TheJuniorMints.htm create mode 100644 TheJunkMail.htm create mode 100644 TheKeys.html create mode 100644 TheKissHello.html create mode 100644 TheLabelMaker.html create mode 100644 TheLetter.htm create mode 100644 TheLibrary.htm create mode 100644 TheLimo.html create mode 100644 TheLipReader.htm create mode 100644 TheLittleJerry.html create mode 100644 TheLittleKicks.htm create mode 100644 TheMaestro.htm create mode 100644 TheMaid.htm create mode 100644 TheMango.html create mode 100644 TheMarineBiologist.htm create mode 100644 TheMasseuse.html create mode 100644 TheMervGriffinShow.htm create mode 100644 TheMillennium.html create mode 100644 TheMomAndPopStore.html create mode 100644 TheMoney.html create mode 100644 TheMovie.htm create mode 100644 TheMuffinTops.htm create mode 100644 TheNap.html create mode 100644 TheNonFatYogurt.html create mode 100644 TheNoseJob.html create mode 100644 TheNote.html create mode 100644 TheOldMan.htm create mode 100644 TheOpera.html create mode 100644 TheOpposite.htm create mode 100644 TheOuting.htm create mode 100644 ThePackage.htm create mode 100644 TheParkingGarage.htm create mode 100644 TheParkingSpace.html create mode 100644 ThePen.html create mode 100644 ThePezDispenser.htm create mode 100644 ThePhoneMessage.htm create mode 100644 ThePick.htm create mode 100644 ThePie.html create mode 100644 ThePilot.html create mode 100644 ThePilot2.html create mode 100644 ThePitch.htm create mode 100644 ThePledgeDrive.html create mode 100644 ThePonyRemark.htm create mode 100644 ThePoolGuy.html create mode 100644 ThePostponement.html create mode 100644 ThePothole.htm create mode 100644 ThePuertoRicanDay.htm create mode 100644 ThePuffyShirt.htm create mode 100644 TheRace.html create mode 100644 TheRaincoats.html create mode 100644 TheRaincoats2.html create mode 100644 TheRedDot.htm create mode 100644 TheRevenge.htm create mode 100644 TheReversePeephole.htm create mode 100644 TheRobbery.htm create mode 100644 TheRye.htm create mode 100644 TheScofflaw.htm create mode 100644 TheSecretCode2.htm create mode 100644 TheSecretary.html create mode 100644 TheSeinfeldChronicles.htm create mode 100644 TheSerenityNow.htm create mode 100644 TheSeven.html create mode 100644 TheShoes.html create mode 100644 TheShowerhead.htm create mode 100644 TheSlicer.html create mode 100644 TheSmellyCar.htm create mode 100644 TheSniffingAccountant.htm create mode 100644 TheSoulMate.html create mode 100644 TheSoup.html create mode 100644 TheSoupNazi.htm create mode 100644 TheSponge.html create mode 100644 TheStakeout.htm create mode 100644 TheStall.htm create mode 100644 TheStand-In.html create mode 100644 TheStatue.htm create mode 100644 TheStockTip.htm create mode 100644 TheStranded.html create mode 100644 TheStrike.htm create mode 100644 TheStrongbox.htm create mode 100644 TheSubway.htm create mode 100644 TheSuicide.html create mode 100644 TheSummerofGeorge.htm create mode 100644 TheSuzie.htm create mode 100644 TheSwitch.htm create mode 100644 TheTape.htm create mode 100644 TheTicket.html create mode 100644 TheTrip1.htm create mode 100644 TheTrip2.html create mode 100644 TheTruth.htm create mode 100644 TheUnderstudy.html create mode 100644 TheVanBurenBoys.htm create mode 100644 TheVirgin.htm create mode 100644 TheVisa.html create mode 100644 TheVoice.htm create mode 100644 TheWaitOut.htm create mode 100644 TheWallet.html create mode 100644 TheWatch.html create mode 100644 TheWife.html create mode 100644 TheWigMaster.htm create mode 100644 TheWink.html create mode 100644 TheWizard.htm create mode 100644 TheYadaYada.htm diff --git a/Highlights-of-100-1.html b/Highlights-of-100-1.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3499526 --- /dev/null +++ b/Highlights-of-100-1.html @@ -0,0 +1,235 @@ + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - Highlights of 100 (1) + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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Highlights of 100 - Part 1

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IT'S A CLIP SHOW - THERE'S NO SCRIPT

+

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+

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+ + + + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/Highlights-of-100-2.html b/Highlights-of-100-2.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9cef2e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/Highlights-of-100-2.html @@ -0,0 +1,227 @@ + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - Highlights of 100 (2) + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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Highlights of 100 - Part 2

+ +

+ + + +
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+ +

IT'S A CLIP SHOW - THERE'S NO SCRIPT

+

========================================

+

OK, so maybe a small introduction.

+

I'll add that later.

+ + +
+ + + + +
+

Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact

+

Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com

+
+
+ + + + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/MaleUnbonding.htm b/MaleUnbonding.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..834cdde --- /dev/null +++ b/MaleUnbonding.htm @@ -0,0 +1,723 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - Male Unbonding + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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Male Unbonding

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+ + +

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

Broadcasted: June 14, 1990 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael + Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, and Kevin Dunn (as Joel).

+

 

+

[Setting: Nightclub]

+

JERRY: Most men like working on things, tools, objects, + fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed + a guy's out in his driveway working on

+

something with tools, how all the other men in the + neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just + come wandering out of the house like zombies.

+

Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog + whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room + curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over

+

there." So they run over to the guy. Now they + don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the + area where work is being done. That's what men

+

want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk + to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What + are you using, the Philips head?" You know,

+

we feel involved. That's why when they have construction + sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's + just to keep the men out. They cut those

+

little holes for us so we can see what the hell is + going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those + fences. Right over there. "What are you using the

+

steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment building]

+

(Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator)

+

GEORGE: I had to say something. I had to say something. + Everything was going so well; I had to say something.

+

JERRY: I don't think you did anything wrong.

+

GEORGE: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell + her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I + feel. I like you I don't tell you.

+

JERRY: We can only thank God for that.

+

(Elevator opens, they get on)

+

GEORGE: I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. + (laughs) It's only a matter of time now.

+

JERRY: You're imagining this. Really.

+

GEORGE: Oh no. No, no, no, no.

+

(elevator doors close)

+

GEORGE(cont.): I'll tell you when it happened. When + that floss came flying out of my pocket.

+

JERRY: What floss? When?

+

GEORGE: We were in the lobby during the intermission + of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange + drink, for five dollars. I reached into my

+

pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this + piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.

+

JERRY: Ah, mint.

+

GEORGE: Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I look up, + I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. + I just..

+

(eleveator doors open, they get off)

+

JERRY: So let me get this straight: she saw the floss, + you panicked and you told her you liked her.

+

GEORGE: If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd + be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.

+

JERRY: And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?

+

GEORGE: Yes, I am.

+

JERRY: (looks at a carrying pouch George is wearing) + You don't think it might've had anything to do with that?

+

GEORGE: What? You don't like this?

+

JERRY: It looks like your belt is digesting a small + animal.

+

(they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking + on the phone)

+

KRAMER: Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's + all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes + talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah,

+

yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. + (hands phone to Jerry.)

+

JERRY: (to Kramer) Who is it?

+

KRAMER: Take it.

+

JERRY: Who is it?

+

KRAMER: It's for you.

+

JERRY: (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits + Kramer with a magazine.) .. No. I was out of town. I just got back.. + Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's just

+

my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? + Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's + okay.. Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy

+

right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. + yeah.. right.. thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why + did you put me on the phone with him? I

+

hate just being handed a phone.

+

KRAMER: Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to + you

+

JERRY: Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.

+

KRAMER: Well, why not?

+

JERRY: He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone + anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta + go see him on Wednesday.

+

GEORGE: What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had + tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! + What happened? We're not

+

going?

+

JERRY: We're going. That's next Wednesday.

+

GEORGE: Oh. Who is this guy?

+

JERRY: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three + houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We + were friends. Should I suffer the rest of

+

my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. + I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. + he's so self-involved.

+

(phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket)

+

KRAMER: That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries.. + Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza + place where you make your own

+

pie.

+

JERRY: Can you conduct your business elsewhere?

+

KRAMER: (ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking about + a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer leaves Jerry's apartment while + still on the phone.)

+

GEORGE: I don't know why you even bother with this + ping pong guy, I'll tell you that.

+

JERRY: I don't bother with him. He's been calling + me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention + span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit

+

there and I make up things just to see if he's paying + attention.

+

GEORGE: I don't understand why you spend time with + this guy.

+

JERRY: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him + "I Don't think we're right for each other.." He's a guy. + At least with a woman, there's a precendent. You know,

+

the relationship goes sour, you end it.

+

GEORGE: No, no, no,no you have to approach this as + if he was a woman.

+

JERRY: Just break up with him?

+

GEORGE: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.

+

(scene ends)

+

[Setting: Nightclub]

+

JERRY: As a guy I don't know how I can break up with + another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, + I feel I need to see other men." Do

+

you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I + have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out + of this relationship. It could be a long time. See,

+

the great thing about guys is that we can become friends + based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends + just because they're two guys. That's almost

+

all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports + and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports + and no women the only thing guys would ever

+

say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?"

+

[Setting: Coffee Shop]

+

(Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table)

+

JOEL: ..so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in + for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to + go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo.

+

JERRY: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, + I thought it was really - interesting.. he would-

+

JOEL: (interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're starving + here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already!

+

JERRY: (testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going + to Iran this summer.

+

JOEL: I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.

+

JERRY: Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. + You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it + is Farsi.

+

JOEL: Do you think I need a haircut?

+

(waitress comes to their table)

+

WAITRESS: Are you ready?

+

JERRY: Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat.

+

JOEL: Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey + sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't + want that processed turkey. I hate it.

+

WAITRESS: I think it's real turkey.

+

JOEL: Is there a real bird in the back?

+

WAITRESS: No, there's not bird but-

+

JOEL: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't + you do me a favor. Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay?

+ +

(waitress leaves)

+

JOEL: (cont.) Unbelievable..

+

JERRY: How can you talk to someone like that?

+

JOEL: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?

+

JERRY: Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell + you.

+

JOEL: Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into.

+

JERRY AND JOEL: Howard metro.

+

JOEL: He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, + I see him all the time. We're great friends." Anyway, Howard + says hello.

+

JERRY: ..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should see + each other anymore.

+

JOEL: what?

+

JERRY: This friendship.. it's not working.

+

JOEL: Not working? What are you talking about?

+

JERRY: We're just not suited to be friends.

+

JOEL: How can you say that?

+

JERRY: Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that - we + don't have anything in common.

+

JOEL: (starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do? Tell me.. + I want to know.

+

JERRY: You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's + me. It's.. this is very difficult.

+

JOEL: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, + I know you're a very busy guy.

+

JERRY: No, it's not that.

+

JOEL: (crying) You're one of the few people I can + talk to.

+

JERRY: Oh, come on. That's not true.

+

JOEL: I always tell everybody about you; tell everybody + to go see your show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan!

+

JERRY: I know, I know.

+

JOEL: I mean, you're my best friend.

+

JERRY: Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.

+

JOEL: I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't + believe it.

+

JERRY: Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id didn't + mean it.

+

JOEL: Didn't mean what?

+

JERRY: What I said. I've been under a lot of stress.

+

JOEL: Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.

+

JERRY: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever + happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're + still friends. We're still friends. Still friends.

+

Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets + this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with + me? Come on.

+

JOEL: Tonight?

+

JERRY: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've + said tonight.

+

JOEL: Do you really want me to go?

+

JERRY: (faking) Yes.

+

JOEL: Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that'd + be great.. so, next Wednesday.

+

JERRY: Next Wednesday.

+

JOEL: Where is that waitress?! Hey! ..

+

(scene ends)

+

[Setting: Bank]

+

(Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George + is carrying a jug full of pennies.)

+

GEORGE: ..she calls me up at my office, she says, + "We have to talk."

+

JERRY: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.

+

GEORGE: That, or "Who's bra is this?"

+

JERRY: That is worse.

+

GEORGE: So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, + she blurts out how it's "not working".

+

JERRY: Really.

+

GEORGE: So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm + thinking: great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on + the way. So now I have a decision - do I walk or

+

do I eat?

+

JERRY: Hm? You ate.

+

GEORGE: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, + staring at each other in a defunct relationship.

+

JERRY: Someone says, "Get out of my life!" + and that doesn't affect your appetite?

+

GEORGE: Have you ever had their egg salad?

+

JERRY: It is unbelievable.

+

GEORGE: It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? + I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The + least she could do is send me off

+

with a sandwich.

+

JERRY: (looking at George's penny jug) How much could + you possibly have in there? GEORGE: It's my money. What should I + do? Throw it out the window? I

+

know guy who took his vacation on change.

+

JERRY: Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade?

+

GEORGE: (sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny guy.

+

JERRY: C'mon, move up.

+

(George moves up in the bank line)

+

CUSTOMER: Oh great, Ewing's hurt.

+

GEORGE: Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to be out?

+

CUSTOMER: A couple of days at the most but..

+

GEORGE: Geez.

+

JERRY: Oh, God.

+

GEORGE: I got scared there for a second. The Knicks + without Ewing.

+

JERRY: Listen, George, little problem with the game.

+

GEORGE: What about it?

+

JERRY: The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..

+

GEORGE: What?

+

JERRY: I geve your ticket to Horneck.

+

GEORGE: You what?!

+

JERRY: Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.

+

GEORGE: No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?

+

JERRY: (talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon, go ahead, + move up.

+

GEORGE: Why did you give him my ticket for?

+

JERRY: You didn't see him. It was horrible.

+

GOERGE: Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this.

+

JERRY: I had to do it.

+

(George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another + one.)

+

GEORGE: Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change + this into bills?

+

TELLER: I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.

+

JERRY: Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't + mind.

+

GEORGE: I'm not going with him. I don't even know + the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.

+

TELLER: Look, I can give you these and you can roll + them yourself.

+

GEORGE: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! + What, should I quit my job?!

+

(Scene ends.)

+

[Setting: Nightclub]

+

JERRY: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression + "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen + anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate

+

it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know + that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to + go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece

+

of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like + a reward for this please."

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(George is stuffing pennies into rolls.)

+

GEORGE: ..Thirty-two, thirty-three-

+

JERRY: George.

+

GEORGE: (raises his hand) Not now.. (counts to himself).

+

JERRY: Could you stop the counting?

+

GEORGE: Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll) What?!

+

JERRY: Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty + bucks for the jug.

+

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.

+

JERRY: Well, then I'm not going to the game either. + Okay? I'll give him both tickets.

+

GEORGE: (pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife in + his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee.. Go, go!

+

JERRY: I.. no, I don't want to go.

+

GEORGE: He was really crying?

+

JERRY: I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me + call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't + go to the game either.

+

GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're + going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both + of the tickets, then we could go?

+

JERRY: George, the man wept.

+

(Kramer enters.)

+

KRAMER: Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza + idea, is really going to happen.

+

GEORGE: This is the thing where you go and you have + to make your own pizza?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, + you pound it, you fling it in the air; and then you get to put your + sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese,

+

and they - you slide it into the oven.

+

GOERGE: You know, you have to know how to do that. + You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree + oven.

+

KRAMER: It's all supervised.

+

GEORGE: Oh, well.

+

KRAMER: All of it. You want to invest?

+

GEORGE: My money's all tied up in change right now.

+

KRAMER: No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want + to make their own pizza pie.

+

JERRY: I have to say something. With all due respect, + I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under + any circumstance, wanting to make their own

+

pizza pie.. but that's me.

+

KRAMER: That's you.

+

JERRY: I'm just saying..

+

KRAMER: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you + guys.

+

JERRY: Okay.

+

KRAMER: You know, this business is going to be big. + I just wanted .. okay. (he exits quickly, then sticks his head back + through the door) One day, you'll beg me to

+

make your own pie. (he leaves)

+

(Jerry dials up Joel)

+

JERRY: Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this + before you - Oh, Hi. Joel.. oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't + amke it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my

+

nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. + you know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. + They're at the Will-Call window..

+

And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk + next week. Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up).

+

GEORGE: Trapezoid?

+ +

JERRY: I know. I'm really running out of excuses with + this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.

+

(Scene ends.)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment, night time]

+

ELAINE: Come on, let's go do something. I don't want + to just sit around here.

+

JERRY: Okay.

+

ELAINE: Want to go get something to eat?

+

JERRY: Where do you want to go?

+

ELAINE: I don't care, I'm not hungry.

+

JERRY: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. + They let you just sit there.

+

ELAINE: What are we gonna do there? Talk?

+

JERRY: We can talk.

+

ELAINE: I'll go if I don't have to talk.

+

JERRY: We'll just sit there.

+

ELAINE: Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first.

+

(Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading + it.)

+

ELAINE: (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport." + "Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy."

+

JERRY: Okay, just ahnd that over, please.

+

ELAINE: Oh, what is this?

+

JERRY: It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy, + Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that + list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and i don't

+

have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine + starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?

+

ELAINE: I got some for you.

+

JERRY: I don't need anymore.

+

ELAINE: No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen, + listen: "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house."

+

JERRY: (sarcastic) Very funny.

+

ELAINE: How about: "You've been diagnosed as + a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan."

+

JERRY: I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?

+

ELAINE: (gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, + I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile.

+

JERRY: What can I do?

+

ELAINE: Deal with it. Be a man!

+

JERRY: Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to + him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying, + tears accompanied by mucus.

+

ELAINE: You made a man cry? I've never made a man + cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I + got the cab.

+

JERRY: A couple of touch monkeys.

+

(Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.)

+

KRAMER: Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed + a great game tonight, buddy!

+

JERRY: Game?

+

KRAMER: Knock game. Horneck took me. We were sitting + two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat!

+

JERRY: Wait. How does Horneck know you?

+

KRAMER: Last week. When I, you know, game you the + phone. He's really into my pizza place idea!

+

JERRY: This is too much.

+

ELAINE: Wait, what pizza place idea?

+

JERRY: Oh, no.

+

KRAMER: You make your own pie!

+

ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would + be fun.

+

JOEL: (from the hallway.)Kramer..

+

KRAMER: Yeah.

+

JERRY: Perfect.

+

(Horneck enters.)

+

JOEL: Hey..

+

KRAMER: Okay, who wants meatloaf?

+

JERRY AND ELAINE: No thanks.

+

KRAMER: (to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute. (exits)

+

JOEL: So, I though you were tutoring your nephew?

+

JERRY: Oh, we finished early.

+

JOEL: Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to introduce + me to your - nephew?

+

JERRY: Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.

+

ELAINE: Hi.

+

JOEL: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys + split?

+

JERRY: We're still friends.

+

JOEL: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next + week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) + And why don't you come along?

+

ELAINE: Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue we've + got choir practice.

+

JERRY: Right. I forgot about choir.

+

ELAINE: We're doing that evening of Eastern European + National Anthems.

+

JERRY: Right. You know, the wall being down and everything.

+

JOEL: (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean + they're playing the Sonics.

+

(Jerry shakes his head.)

+

ELAINE: Huh... Thursday is not good because we've + got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.

+

JOEL: You know, I should really try something like + that.

+

JERRY: You really should.

+

JOEL: Well, let's just take a look here. (looks at + his schedule) Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the + mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next

+

Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? + Let's see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back + on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls.

+

You can't miss Air Jordan..

+

(Scene ends.)

+

[Setting: Nightclub]

+

JERRY: You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion + that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always + your friends and you have to accept it. You

+

see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't + call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again. + The only way to get through talking with people

+

that you don't really have anything in common with + is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is + what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around

+

you. The only problem with this is there's no way + you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. + Were out of time."

+

END OF SHOW.

+ +

  + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+

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+ +

broadcast: 7 May 98

+

written by: Darin Henry

+

directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

IT'S A CLIP SHOW - THERE'S NO SCRIPT

+

========================================

+

OK, so maybe a small introduction.

+

I'll add that later.

+ + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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+ + + + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/The-Clip-Show-2.html b/The-Clip-Show-2.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..158ebb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/The-Clip-Show-2.html @@ -0,0 +1,236 @@ + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Clip Show (2) + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + +

More clips are seen and finally the closing minutes feature a series of bloopers and a +musical montage that features the song "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" +by the band Green Day, from their 1997 album Nimrod.

+

broadcast: 14 May 98

+

written by: Darin Henry

+

directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

IT'S A CLIP SHOW - THERE'S NO SCRIPT

+

========================================

+

OK, so maybe a small introduction.

+

I'll add that later.

+ + + + +
+ + + + +
+

Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact

+

Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com

+
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+ + + + + + + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/TheAbstinence.htm b/TheAbstinence.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f44a61f --- /dev/null +++ b/TheAbstinence.htm @@ -0,0 +1,732 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Abstinence + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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The Abstinence

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+

Episode 142

+

Transcript by Ethan Brown

+

% Jerry and George are sitting outside.

+

George: Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over + the Andes.

+

Jerry: Why are we flyin' over the Andes?

+

George: We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the + plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?

+

Jerry: Kramer.

+

George: So fast? What about me?

+

Jerry: No.

+

George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.

+

Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. + It's better for you.

+

George: Well I would eat you.

+

Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.

+

George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. + I'm your best friend.

+

Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll + try you.

+

George: Thank you.

+

Jerry: Can I have a piece of that?

+

George: No.

+

% George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.

+

Louise: George, I can't have sex.

+

George: With me or in general?

+

Louise: I went to the doctor today. I have mono.

+

George: Nucleosis.

+

Louise: Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.

+

George: No, no, pff...

+

Louise: How long is this not gonna be a problem for + me?

+

% Jerry's apartment...

+

Jerry: Six weeks?

+

George: Yeah, six weeks.

+

Jerry: Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before.

+

George: I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm + a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.

+

Jerry: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?

+

George: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those + guys.

+

Jerry: What guys?

+

George: Like us. (Elaine enters)

+

Jerry: Yeah.

+

George: So it's just mono.

+

Elaine: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical + advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.

+

Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor + was debunked.

+

Elaine: No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.

+

Jerry: Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.

+

George: No something is bunk and then you debunk it.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Elaine: Huh?

+

George: I think. (Pause as they all look down)

+

Elaine: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. + Let's just move on. (Phone rings)

+

Jerry: Hello?

+

Katie: Jerry.

+

Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.

+

Katie: Listen, something just came up for Tuesday + at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.

+

Jerry: I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no + good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high.

+

Katie: Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. + Katie works for Jerry.

+

Jerry: Yes, all right, Katie.

+

Katie: Sorry for the late notice.

+

Jerry: Yes, bye.

+

Katie: You're the-- (He hangs up)

+

George: They asked you to do career day?

+

Jerry: Yeah, it's no big deal.

+

George: Oh with all due respect, I went there too, + and I work for a team that just won the World Series.

+

Jerry: And you were integral.

+

% Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting + outside classroom. Teacher enters hall.

+

Teacher: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down + here.

+

Jerry: I'm on next, right?

+

Teacher: Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the + Bronx zoo...

+

Jerry: The guy with the lizard.

+

Teacher: Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, + and the children just love him. And we're outta time.

+

% Hear kids from the classroom all say "Eww!"

+

Teacher: So can you come back tomorrow?

+

Jerry: I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from + career day?

+

% Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.

+

Elaine: So do most doctors like ER or do you guys + just think it's fake?

+

Ben: I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really + a doctor.

+

Elaine: Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to + you.

+

Ben: Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical + school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam.

+

Elaine: When do you take this exam?

+

Ben: I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the + last one.

+

Elaine: Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I + mean, people do call you doctor.

+

Ben: Well, um...

+

Elaine: Well, can I introduce you as doctor?

+

Ben: Yeah.

+

Elaine: All right, that's all I wanted to know.

+

% George and Louise sitting on his couch. He touches + her leg.

+

Louise: Mono. (George removes hand)

+

% Jerry and George at Monk's.

+

George: It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking + all night.

+

Jerry: So you're enjoying the not enjoying.

+

George: you know, just by conversing, you can really + learn a lot about a person.

+

Jerry: I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)

+

Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was career day?

+

Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.

+

George: You got bumped from career day?

+

Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.

+

Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.

+

Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to + screw with my head?

+

Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number + when you buy batteries? I don't know.

+

% Kramer lights cigar.

+

George: Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You + can't smoke in here.

+

Kramer: No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)

+

Larry: Take it outside.

+

Kramer: Come on, Larry. You know me.

+

Larry: It bothers people, and it's against the law.

+

Jerry: You can make all the laws you want, he's still + gonna bother people.

+

% Outside Monk's, Kramer sees man smoking.

+

Kramer: What, did they kick you out too?

+

Man: Yeah, they kicked us all out.

+

% At Jerry's junior high school, Jerry is outside + classroom with teacher.

+

Teacher: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care + for a graham cracker?

+

Jerry: No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) + What? What is going on? What is that about?

+

Teacher: Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!

+

Jerry: But I was promised this slot.

+

Teacher: Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line)

+

% At Jerry's apartment, George is sitting on couch, + watching Jeopardy and playing with a Rubik's cube while Jerry is + talking to him.

+

Jerry: Fire drill, can you believe that?

+

George: What is Pericles?

+

Alex Trebek: Pericles is correct.

+

Jerry: Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer + enters)

+

Kramer: Hey, you got any matches?

+

Jerry: Middle drawer.

+

George: Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

+

Alex Trebek: We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur + Conan Doyle.'

+

Kramer: Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)

+

Jerry: Hello?

+

Katie: Jerry.

+

Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.

+

Katie: I heard what happened to the junior high. They + can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.

+

Jerry: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.

+

George: What is Borax?

+

Alex Trebek: Yes, you're right.

+

Katie: They bump you in junior high, the next thing + you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. + Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer + enters)

+

Kramer: Ashtrays?

+

Jerry: No, I don't have any ashtrays.

+

Kramer: Ooh, cereal bowls.

+

Katie: Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care + of it.

+

Jerry: No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)

+ +

Kramer: All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)

+

George: What is Tungsten or Wolfram?

+

Alex Trebek: We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, + or Wolfram'.

+

Jerry: Is this a repeat?

+

George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking + a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken + Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with + Louise.

+

Jerry: Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer + pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.

+

George: You think?

+

Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. + (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain + consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off + tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large + piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from + this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless + lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats + tiny piece of lettuce)

+

George: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left + my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's + cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)

+

Kramer: Need some more matches.

+

Jerry: What is goin' on in there?

+

Kramer: I met some people smoking on the street, so + I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.

+ +

Jerry: Why?

+

Kramer: Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.

+

Jerry: It doesn't?

+

Kramer: Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society.

+

Jerry: why not?

+

Kramer: Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.

+

Jerry: All right. +

+

Kramer: Yeah.

+

% Elaine and Ben are at Monk's.

+

Elaine: So when they're handing you those cadavers, + do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?

+

Ben: I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue + Ellen Mischke enters with a man)

+

Elaine: Oh my God.

+

Ben: What's wrong?

+

Elaine: It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend + I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face)

+

Sue Ellen: Elaine? Hi.

+

Elaine: Oh hi, Sue Ellen.

+

Sue Ellen: Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of + mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.

+

Elaine: Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.

+

Ben: Well, I'm an intern.

+

Elaine: Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's + a very good doctor.

+

Woman: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?

+

Elaine: Well, there's a doctor right here.

+

Ben: No there's not.

+

Elaine: Can't you at least tell him what to do?

+

Ben: Like what?

+

Sue Ellen: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?

+

Ben: Right. Elevate your legs!

+

% Elaine is giving Larry the cook flowers.

+

Elaine: I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes + he could've helped.

+

Larry: I thought he was a doctor.

+

Elaine: Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. + (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. + (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.)

+

George: Of course. Absolute zero!

+

Elaine: What? What is with all these books?

+

George: I stopped having sex.

+

% Outside of Kramer and Jerry's apartments. A bunch + of people are in the hall, which is filled with smoke.

+

Kramer: All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I + got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter + section. (Jerry enters) Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in + there?

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying + themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. + (Katie enters)

+

Katie: Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer + the phone.

+

Jerry: I was out.

+

Katie: Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.

+

Jerry: An assembly?

+

Katie: Two hours in front of the entire junior high, + grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade--

+

Jerry: I understand. But what am I gonna talk about + for two hours?

+

Katie: And, it is already in the school paper. They + cancelled Rick James.

+

Jerry: Superfreak?

+

Katie: Yes.

+

% Elaine is sitting on her couch with Ben.

+

Elaine: What is your answer to number 74?

+

Ben: Medobolic acidosis.

+

Elaine: No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!

+

Ben: Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.

+

Elaine: Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex.

+

% George and Yankees Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams + are at the ballpark.

+

George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple + physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, + t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home + run) It's not complicated.

+

Jeter: Now who are you again?

+

George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling + secretary.

+

Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada + in Milwaukee?

+

George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you + wanna win some ball games?

+

Jeter: We won the World Series.

+

George: In six games.

+

% Elaine, Jerry, and George sitting at Monk's Cafe.

+

Jerry: ...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to + make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.

+

George: Nine minutes.

+

Jerry: How am I gonna fill two hours?

+

George: Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. + Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.

+

Jerry: And give you the chance to see some real disappointed + kids. (Waitress comes to table)

+

Waitress: More coffee?

+

George: Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese + accent?

+

Waitress: Si

+

George: Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.

+

Waitress: Mute pragalas senor

+

George: Eh, don't mention it.

+

Elaine: Portuguese?

+

George: Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've + picked it up.

+

Elaine: How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped + having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?

+

Jerry: Are you all right?

+

Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last coupla days + my mind has been, not good.

+

Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The + no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.

+

Elaine: What? What are you talking about?

+

Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You + just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash + out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick + it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling + up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. + You're stupid.

+

Elaine: I don't understand.

+

Jerry: Exactly.

+

% Jerry's apartment. Kramer enters smoking.

+

Kramer: Hey buddy.

+

Jerry: Hey.

+

Kramer: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe + night.

+

Jerry: What? What happened to your face? It looks + like an old catcher's mitt.

+

Kramer: What?

+

% Kramer checks it out.

+

Kramer: My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.

+

Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced + a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?

+

Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not + this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to + this face.

+

Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.

+

Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.

+

% Kramer exits. Cut to Elaine's.

+

Elaine: Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie + the blank.

+

B: Pooh!

+

Elaine: Pooh...(laughing)

+

B: No, it's Winnie the Pooh.

+

% George's apartment. George is looking through a + microscope.

+

Louise: So the hospital called, turns out some stupid + intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know.

+

% Monk's

+

Jerry: So what did you do?

+

George: I told her I would have to think about it.

+

Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor + of sex, right?

+

George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the + world this way.

+

Jerry: You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual + advances.

+

George: Simple joke from a simple man.

+

Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?

+

George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance + I was never gonna have sex again anyway.

+

Jerry: So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You + know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?

+

George: Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared + some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle + the eye.

+

Jerry: I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework + stinks.

+

% Jackie Chiles is on the phone in his office.

+

Jackie: My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. + In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu.

+ +

% Kramer enters.

+

Jackie: Oh no.

+

% Jackie hangs up phone.

+

Kramer: Jackie we gotta talk.

+

Jackie: No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but + a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out.

+

Kramer: But Jackie--

+

Jackie: I said out.

+

Kramer: Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco + companies.

+

Jackie: The who?

+

Kramer: The tobacco companies.

+

Jackie: I've been wanting a piece of them for years.

+

% Cut to Elaine being mesmerized by a rotating tire.

+

% Back to Chiles' office.

+

Jackie: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything + about damage to your appearance?

+

Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.

+

Jackie: So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, + unattractive, disgusting.

+

Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?

+

Jackie: Your face is my case.

+

% Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.

+

Jerry: How ya doin'?

+

Elaine: Not good. I'm a moron.

+

Jerry: Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes + the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.

+

Elaine: Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. + You got eleven minutes?

+

Jerry: What for? Oh come on.

+

Elaine: I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing + to do with you.

+

Jerry: I think it has something to do with me.

+

Elaine: You could read the paper through the whole + thing if you want.

+

Jerry: (thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) + No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird.

+

Elaine: Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?

+

% George and Louise sit at Monk's while George is + doing all sorts of scientific experiments and such.

+

George: You know, Louise. I think you'll find this + amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--

+

Louise: George, I have to have sex.

+

George: I used to share that same outlook. But now, + I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.

+

Louise: Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)

+

George: What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress + approaches)

+

Waitress: Mais Cafe?

+

George: Ah. Sim, por favor.

+

% Kramer, and Jackie begin to discuss their to tobacco + representative, Ms. Wilkie.

+

Jackie: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned + this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.

+

Kramer: Who could love me?

+

Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects + a rugged masculinity.

+

Jackie: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been + exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, + he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.

+

Wilkie: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer + by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits)

+

Kramer: Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.

+

Jackie: You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in + on your wretched disfigurement.

+

% Elaine's...

+

Elaine: Congratulations! You passed!

+

Ben: Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each + other anymore.

+

Elaine: What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed + and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating + a doctor?

+

Ben: I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I + became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone + better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.

+

Elaine: Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?

+

% Backstage at the junior high's auditorium.

+

Katie: Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished + singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters)

+

George: Hey.

+

Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.

+

George: I got lost on the way over.

+

Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three + years.

+

George: What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head + like antennae) Take me to your leader.

+

Jerry: Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!

+

George: No, the Portuguese waitress.

+

Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?

+

George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together + with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

+

Katie: George, George, you're on.

+

George: No, no. I'm not going on.

+

Jerry: Then what'd you come down here for?

+

George: Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.

+

Jerry: It's good to have you back.

+

Katie: One of you has to go on.

+

Jerry: All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey + kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your + home! (Audience boos)

+

% Jackie and Kramer in a cab.

+

Kramer: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.

+

Jackie: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that + offer yet.

+

Kramer: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called + me. We had a little pow-wow.

+

Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? + I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.

+

Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.

+

Jackie: How much?

+

Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.

+

Jackie: No money? Then what'd we get?

+

Kramer: Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard + with Kramer on it)

+

Jackie: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

+

% Jerry talking on the phone with David Letterman.

+

Jerry: Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow + night.

+

Letterman: Yeah, but then, you know, some people were + telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. + And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?

+

Jerry: Actually, it was a ********.

+

Letterman: those things, deadly dangerous. A long + time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. + They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his + face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?

+

Jerry: Jerry.

+

Letterman: Right. Jerry.

+

End.

+

 

+

Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The + News Guy".
+ Thanks to Daniel Hoeg for Portuguese corrections. +

+ + + + +
+

Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact

+

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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheAirport.htm b/TheAirport.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ae90f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/TheAirport.htm @@ -0,0 +1,946 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Airport + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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The Airport

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +  

+

Episode 52 -- "The Airport"

+

Originally Aired: Wednesday, November 25, 1992, 9:30PM

+

Production Credits:

+

Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles

+

Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones

+

Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman

+

Created By ........................... Larry David + and Jerry Seinfeld

+

Written By ........................... Larry David

+

Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones

+

+

Cast:

+

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld + (well, duh!)

+

George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander

+

Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus

+

Kramer ............................... Michael Richards

+

With:

+

Tia .................................. Jennifer Campbell

+

Prisoner ............................. Scott Burkholder

+

Attendant #1 ......................... Jm J. Bullock

+

Attendant #2 ......................... Karen Denise + Williams

+

Grossbard ............................ Allan Wasserman

+

Passenger #1 ......................... Lenny Rose

+

Passenger #2 ......................... Annie Korzen

+

Security Guard ....................... Deck McKenzie

+

Ticket Clerk ......................... Maggie Egan

+

Skycap ............................... Mark Christopher + Lawrence

+

Driver ............................... William Evan + Masters

+

+

Previous episode references:

+

None.

+

Known Bugs:

+

o George: But you are {Blanche}... You *are* in the + shackles... [just what the Hell is he saying here]

+

Net reaction and comments:

+

Fill in later...

+

The Cereal Report

+

Gasp! None.

+

Quotes and Scene summary:

+

Opening monologue (once again, the local station + cuts in a few seconds late. *Man* I hate that...)

+

Jerry: ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; + there's always a small problem ``There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* + late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying + to get one of those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little* + closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and + there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have + very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!''.

+ +

Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way + to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.

+

Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo + waaaah, waah, waaaah...

+

Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could + you shut-up?They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking + his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand + gets stuck and before you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", + they collide head-on with a Snapple truck....

+

Would you believe a big purple jeep?

+

Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand + *did* get stuck...

+

Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...

+

Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.

+

Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the + window doesn't work,

+

the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap + hooker...

+

[pause] Or is that you?

+

Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out...

+

Jerry: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' + me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my + gig, you got to

+

see your sister...

+

Elaine: Yeah, worked out good.

+

Jerry: And here's the beauty--

+

Elaine: What?

+

Jerry: George is pickin' us up at the airport.

+

Elaine: Get out of here! Why?

+

Jerry: You know that awning outside my building?

+

Elaine: Yeah...

+

Jerry: He's always bragging about his vertical leap, + so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.

+

Elaine: So what happened?

+

Jerry: He didn't come within two feet of the thing. + He's wavin at it...

+

So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he + wouldn't have

+

to pay me anything.

+

Elaine: Hey, how we doin' on time?

+

Jerry: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick + up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...

+

Oops.

+

Elaine: Hey! Wait up!

+

Jerry: Hey! Wait up!

+

Driver: Sorry. Heh heh heh...

+

The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he + seems pretty happy about it.

+

Finally inside, they check their luggage...

+

Skycap: Where you goin'?

+

Jerry: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills + for a tip. You

+

got anything?

+

Elaine: Yeah, you want five?

+

Jerry: Gimme ten.

+

Elaine: You're giving him *ten* dollars?

+

Jerry: Well, we got three bags.

+

Elaine: That's a pretty big tip...

+

Jerry: That's what they get!

+

Elaine: They don't get that much.

+

Jerry: Let's ask him.

+

Elaine: We can't ask him...

+

Jerry: Let's see what he says.

+

Elaine: Jerry, we don't have time for this...

+

Jerry: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend + and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you + usually get for a tip.

+

Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag.

+

Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.

+

Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you + don't even look like

+

you know what you're doing...

+

Jerry: C'mon, seriously...

+

Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five + dollars a bag.

+

What!?

+

Elaine: What!?

+

Skycap: That's right.

+

*Five* bucks a bag?

+

Elaine: *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so.

+

Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you.

+

Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage + of us...

+

Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very + much...

+

Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you...

+

Fight the power, Lainey... As the two leave, the + Skycap checks their baggage. Jerry's two pieces first:

+

Skycap: JFK...

+

Then Elaine's:

+

Skycap: ...Honolulu.

+

Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket + counter in time.

+

Elaine: Wait up!

+

Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. + 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms + flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run + like a man!

+

Get your knees up!

+

Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she + runs. Besides, she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. + Hmfph. Anyway, they get to the ticket counter.

+

Jerry+Elaine: The flight's been canceled?!?!

+

Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- + I have two seats

+

into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding + right now.

+

Jerry: We'll take 'em!

+

Elaine: We're not going to sit together?

+

Jerry: Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll + read.

+

Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to + pick us up at Kennedy.

+

Jerry: We'll call him...

+

Elaine: There's no time.

+

Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?

+

TLady: There's no time.

+

Jerry: There's no time. All right, we'll call him + from the plane.

+

TLady: I have one seat in first class, and one in + coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.

+

The two have that uncomfortable politeness that + only comes about when you're down to the last piece of pizza. Jerry breaks + the silence:

+ +

Jerry: I'll take the first class.

+

Elaine: Jerry!

+

Jerry: What?

+

Elaine: Why should you get the first class?

+

Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?

+

Elaine: No.

+

Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're + missing. I've

+

flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. + I can't... I won't...

+

Elaine: You flew here coach.

+

Jerry: Yeah, that's a point...

+

Elaine: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane + crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.

+

Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.

+

They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" + Elaine aboard.

+

Attendant #1: Third row right...

+

Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.

+

Attendant #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.

+

Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey!

+

Elaine is robbed of her peek into the first class + section by a drawn curtain and she goes to her seat. However, someone + comes after her and:

+

Passenger #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, + I think you're

+

sitting in my seat...

+

Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got + like 5 bags and Data General laptop.

+

Passenger #1: I never check my bags-- I can't stand + that wait in the baggage area.

+

Elaine: Great... [To herself] Help me...

+

Jerry gets to his seat, however, he also is in the + wrong seat:

+

Tia: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...

+

Jerry: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... + *you*!

+

Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes.

+

Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the + car.

+

George: Hey, thanks for coming with me.

+

Kramer: Hey, what made you think you could touch that + awning?

+

George: I confused it with another awning.

+

Kramer: So how we doin' on time?

+

George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would + pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is + supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off + the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal + as we roll up.

+

I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express + to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup.

+

Um, George... Did you say "perfect"?

+

George: What's going on? What are you doing? The Long + Island Expressway?

+

What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway + for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide + mission!

+

Kramer: Will you relax?!

+

George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand + Central, the Van Wyck!

+

You destroyed my whole timing!

+

Kramer: This is the best way to go!

+

George: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I + don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...

+

Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, + come on, man...

+

George: Really?

+

Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early. + I'll have a chance to

+

go to the Duty Free shop.

+

George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest + sucker deal in retail.

+

Do you know how much duty is?

+

Kramer: Duty.

+

George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much + duty is?

+

Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is.

+

George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...

+

Kramer: I still like to stop at the duty free shop.

+

George: I like to stop at the duty free shop.

+

They start to "sing", growing more excited + after each iteration:

+

G+K: I like to stop at the duty free shop!

+

I like to stop at the duty free shop!

+

Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are + chatting (isn't that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who + insists on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't go + according to plan and all that boring dreck...)

+

Tia: So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', + and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''...

+

Jerry: Oh my...

+

Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...

+

She fixes her glance at Jerry's nether regions:

+

Tia: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.

+

Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his + lap and *that's* what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.

+

Jerry: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good + thing they gave you

+

that washcloth to cover yourself up...

+

Um, what was that page number again?

+

Jerry: What is this an ad for?

+

Tia: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? + Way in the background, out of focus?

+

Jerry: Uh-huh...

+

In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by + honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic...

+

Kramer: How does it look on your side? [Pause while + George just stares at him] We'll get there...

+

Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying + guy is sleeping beside

+

her while the woman on her other side is reading + a book. Elaine is looking rather, shall we say "pensive". She talks + to herself:

+

Elaine: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have + to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys + burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major + organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for + him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] + Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.

+

Oh, you poor, frail dear... On the bright side, + Kramer and George arrive at the airport. They're running to the terminal:

+

George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!

+

Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like + a man! Lift your knees!

+

They find an arrival/departure screen thingie:

+

George: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a + half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already.

+

Kramer: No, there it is, right there-- 133... and + it's canceled.

+

George: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick + up? I was here!

+

Kramer: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket + counter.

+

A bearded man comes up to the screen before they + go:

+

Grossbard: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... + [He leaves]

+

Kramer: Did you see that guy?

+

George: No... What guy?

+

Kramer: That guy.. He was just...

+

George: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, + I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. + There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think + he mentioned my name!

+

Kramer: [still lost] I know that guy...

+

Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me + of this guy John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved + in one of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up + with him again...

+

But, I digress. We cut to the airport gift shop + where a man in handcuffs and shackles is being led around by two FBI-looking + types:

+

Prisoner: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss + my Time magazine.

+

Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of + here.

+

George lifts the last copy from the rack before + the con can get it.

+

Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!

+

George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.

+

Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the + magazine...

+

George: You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about + me in this magazine!

+

Prisoner: A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out + the cover, idiot!

+

Guard: All right, let's go...

+

George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture + of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption ``Caught!'' + written below.

+

Prisoner: I want the magazine!

+

George: Umm... No.

+

Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't + in these shackles...

+

George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. + Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. + Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be + a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that + is!

+

Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque + double-take at "that guy" from the departure screen who's + browsing books. He goes up to

+

George.

+

Kramer: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled + to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia.

+

George: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...

+

Kramer: Where do I know that guy from?

+

Back in the developing nation section of the plane + (coach, that is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake + up so she can go to the bathroom.

+

Elaine: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! + Wake up! *Wake*

+

*up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] + Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...

+

The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine + has a hard time getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer + stumbling and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting up, + facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across from her, Elaine + makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac from "Taxi Driver". + + You can just see the words ``You lookin' at *me*?'' etched in her brain. It's + a killer.

+

+

Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, + Jerry and Tia are enjoying some hot towels on their faces.

+

Jerry: Oh my... that *is* refreshing...

+

Attendant: Would you care for some slippers?

+

Jerry: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them + on her] May I?

+

Tia: Please!

+

Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.

+

They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, + that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...

+

George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb...

+

Ding!

+

Kramer: It's Grossbard!

+

Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...

+

George: Who's Grossbard?

+

Kramer: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street + 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. + Then one month,

+

he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 + bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try + to find him, I went

+

to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. + I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John + Grossbard!

+

George: Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty + years ago...

+

Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get + that guy...

+

George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* + abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social + contract.

+

We... we must go forward... not back.

+

George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running + for office?

+

Meanwhile, 32 000 feet above them, Elaine is still + waiting to get into the bathroom-- there's someone in there. *Finally*, + a ZZ Top reject comes out of the bathroom and, to paraphrase Jerry in "The + Smelly Car": ``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits + me--''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.

+

+

Jerry comes back from the *first class* washroom:

+

Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? + It's like an English garden in there.

+

Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.

+

Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.

+

Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too...

+

Tia: It's almost overwhelming...

+

The captain interrupts our little irony:

+

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain + speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've + been

+

instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. + We apologize for any inconvenience...

+

Elaine exits the bathroom, exasperated and curious:

+

Elaine: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd + he say?

+

Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has + been inside to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer + in the car.

+

George: Well, You're not gonna believe it...

+

Kramer: What?

+

George: The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. + We've got 45 minutes.

+

Kramer: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- + it tolls for thee.

+

Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God.

+

In first class, Jerry and Tia get the lowdown on + the grub:

+

Attendant: We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, + my personal favourite.

+

Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover + sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.

+

Jerry: Oh, saffron! That sounds good.

+

Attendant: And today we're featuring wines from the + *Tuscany* region...

+

Jerry+Tia: Tuscany!

+

They do that "tink" thing again, and we + rejoin Elaine going back to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop + to the unwashed masses

+

in coach and he's in her way.

+

Elaine: Hi. Can I get to my seat?

+

Attendant: You're just gonna have to wait...

+

Elaine: But you just passed it. I'm sitting right + there next to that guy...

+

Attendant: You're not supposed to get up during the + food service.

+

Elaine: Well, nobody *told* me that!

+

Attendant: Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot + of people to serve.

+

Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.

+

Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals + board (again)...

+

George: There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time.

+

Kramer: Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I + *still* got time to

+

catch him!

+

George: How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded + the plane already.

+

Kramer: Gimme your credit card.

+

George: My credit card?

+

Kramer: Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions.

+

George: I'm not gonna give you my card unless you + tell me what it's for!

+

Kramer: I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on + that flight.

+

George: What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more + on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard.

+

Kramer: No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna + get my money, I'll get

+

off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. + It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.

+

George: This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. + I get frequent flyer

+

miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. + As long as

+

your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? + I'll get *double* the bonus miles.

+

Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about + it), Elaine returns to her

+

seat now that the attendant is done serving.

+

Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, + but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me + get through.

+

There's no way to get around that cart...

+

Passenger 1: You're not supposed to get up during + the food service.

+

Elaine: I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's + my meal?

+

Passenger 1: He asked me where you were, and you were + gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats.

+

Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant.

+

Elaine: Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.

+

Attendant: Are you sure?

+

Elaine: Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food + had been served to me.

+

Attendant: Would you?

+

Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe.

+

Attendant: Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.

+

Elaine: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I + don't even know what a kosher meal is.

+

Passenger 1: I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected + it, or something.

+

Passenger 2: No, no. It all has to do with the way + they kill the pig.

+

Passenger 1: They don't eat pigs!

+

Passenger 2: They do if it's killed right-- under + a Rabbi's supervision.

+

Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses + the debate from somewhere out of camera range.

+

Passenger 3: Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher + meal.

+

Elaine: Then why didn't you take it?

+

Passenger 3: I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.

+

Elaine: You're eating my food!

+

Attendant: Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you + want it, or not.

+

Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what + the heck a kosher meal is-- I'm curious...

+

Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert + treat.

+

J+T: Mmmmmmmm!

+

Tia: This is the best sundae I've ever had.

+

Jerry: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge + on the bottom-- y'see?

+

That enables you to control your fudge distribution + as you're eatin' your ice cream.

+

Tia: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.

+

Jerry: Thank you...

+

J+T: Mmmmmm!

+

We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* + on the end of her fork

+

with a decidedly unimpressed look. Back in first + class:

+

Attendant: More anything?

+

Jerry: More everything!

+

Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines?

+

Back at JFK...

+

Kramer: Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.

+

George: Super Savers? Are they refundable!?

+

No.

+

George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!

+

Kramer: She talked me in to it-- she said it was the + best deal.

+

George: Do you know how much this is going to cost + me?

+

Kramer: Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with + you

+

How big of you, you brute. They board the plane.

+

George: Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...

+

I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. + Just ask Elaine.

+

+

Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For + his part, Grossbard doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years + ago (then again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying + in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the plane. + Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom door to + + a reply of ``Just a minute'' from the occupant inside (I bet he stinks). + Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the Prisoner without his + Time magazine (at least now we know why he needed it so badly-- reading + material for the john). Anyway, the guy pulls George into the bathroom + (he's still wearing his cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got + to make it rather difficult to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). + So, while George is in the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted + off the plane. Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's + up with going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there + laws against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until + they're moving? Who really cares, anyway?

+

Meanwhile, somewhere above New York, Elaine sneaks + into first class (she's so cute when she shows her rebellious side). + She just gets settled into a comfy seat complete with pillow (they + probably get rocks in, ugh, *coach*), when all of a sudden:

+

Attendant: Excuse me... Excuuuse me...

+

Elaine: What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.

+

Attendant: What is your name?

+

Elaine: Elaine Benes?

+

Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have + to go back to coach.

+

Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here...

+

Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These + seats are very expensive.

+

Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. + Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable + up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me + back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods]

+

Oh, you got *cookies*!

+

Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your + seat!

+

Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal + should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the + curtain to,ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here + are getting *cookies*!

+

The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing + a blanket and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're + doing under that big, blue blanket...)

+

Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, + you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put + up with.

+

[To attendant] What is going on?

+

Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first + class.

+

Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, + that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door.

+

Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return + to snuggling...

+

+

Back on terra firma, Kramer is being escorted through + the airport by a security guy. He tries to talk his way out:

+

Kramer: Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!

+

No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and + seemingly escapes.

+

Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding + and he glances out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, + arms flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be sure.

+

Jerry: Couldn't be...

+

After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys + and get their baggage

+

(question: how would they know Kramer was there, + too? They didn't get a hold of George on the phone, or he would've went + to Laguardia in the first

+

place...)

+

Jerry: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere...

+

Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer + is still on the lam somewhere in the airport...

+

Jerry: I got my bags, I'm ready to go.

+

Elaine: Yeah, *you* got *your* bags...

+

In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a + good time, revolving around the baggage thingy, complete with lei...

+

Elaine: The worst flight I have been on in my entire + life.

+

Jerry: Yeah, me too...

+

He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an + entourage of photographers.

+

Tia: I'll call you.

+

Jerry: Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business + thing...

+

Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage + comes out-- you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a "Kramer + entrance", did you?

+

Kramer: You guys ready?

+

Jerry: Yeah. Where's George?

+

Hmmm... We go to a shot outside the plane looking + in on a rather roughed up George Costanza. He screams:

+

George:

+

Well, you can't hear him through the window, but + he is definitely shouting

+

``KRAMER!''

+

Jerry: But I have to admit, I like flying. I like + those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small + apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, + the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time + you go in there. The worst way of flying, I think is "standby", + you ever fly standby? It never works, you know, that's why they + call it standby--

+

you stand there going ``Bye!'' So I was on this flight + where the flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job + so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes + a big difference,

+

I mean this is just some regular person coming over + to you going ``Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way + up?'' It's like, ``Who the Hell are you?!''

+

[End]

+

(Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The + News Guy") + + + + + + + + + + + + +

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+ + Transcribed by + Dave(ratboy)

+

Written by: Larry David and Bill Masters
+

Episode no. 28
+ pc: 3103, season 3, episode 11
+ Broadcast date: December 4, 1991
+

The Cast
+
+ Regulars:
+ Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld
+ Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
+ Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
+ Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer
+
+ Guest Stars:
+
+ Jay Brooks....................... Sid
+ Janet Zarish..................... Rental Car Agent
+ Edward Penn...................... Owen March
+ Jeff Barton...................... Paramedic
+
+
+
+ Opening monologue.
+ Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car + will behave as
+ if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone + disturbs it,
+ it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. + Not
+ everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't + it be nice
+ if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You + know, somebody
+ tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I + would like a car alarm
+ like that.
+
+
+ First scene.
+ Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.
+
+ Jerry: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front.
+
+ George: Was the alarm on?
+
+ Jerry: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; + I'm not
+ tuned in to it like it's my son.
+
+ George: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?
+
+ Jerry: They cross the wires or something.
+
+ George: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.
+
+ Kramer enters.
+
+ Jerry: They stole my car.
+
+ Kramer: Who did?
+
+ Jerry: They did.
+
+ Kramer: Was it more than just one?
+
+ Jerry: What should I do, should I call the police?
+
+ Kramer: What are they gonna do?
+
+ Jerry: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service.
+
+ George: Maybe you should call your car phone.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now.
+
+ George: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.
+
+ Jerry: Are you serious?
+
+ George: Yeah, go ahead, call.
+
+ Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number.
+
+ Jerry dials.
+
+ Jerry: What do I say if he picks up?
+
+ Car thief: Hello?
+
+ Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383?
+
+ Car thief: I have no idea.
+
+ Jerry: Can I ask you a question?
+
+ Car thief: Sure.
+
+ Jerry: Did you steal my car?
+
+ Car thief: Yes I did.
+
+ Jerry: You did?!
+
+ Car thief: I did.
+
+ Jerry: That's my car!
+
+ Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.
+
+ Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
+
+ Car thief: I dunno, drive around.
+
+ Jerry: Then can I have it back?
+
+ Car thief: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.
+
+ Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.
+
+ Kramer: Hello?
+
+ Car thief: Yeah, who's this?
+
+ Kramer: Kramer.
+
+ Car thief: Hello, Kramer.
+
+ Kramer: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.
+
+ Car thief: Wait, hold on... Brown ones?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them + by my
+ building, it's 129 West 81st St.
+
+ Car thief: One-two-nine, okay.
+
+ Kramer: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.
+
+ Jerry (derisively at Kramer): Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?
+
+ Car thief: Jerry?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?
+
+ Car thief: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it.
+
+ Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive + carefully.
+
+ Car thief: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because + I can't find
+ the--
+
+ Jerry hangs up.
+
+ Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car.
+
+ George: Who's Sid?
+
+ Jerry: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block.
+
+ George: What do you mean?
+
+ Jerry: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so + you don't get
+ a ticket.
+
+ George: What, do you pay him for that?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.
+
+ George: How many people does he do that for?
+
+ Jerry: The whole block, forty, fifty cars.
+
+ Kramer: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course + + he's been
+ doing that for years, right Jerry?
+
+ George: Could anybody do that?
+
+ Sid enters.
+
+ Jerry: Hey Sid, what happened?
+
+ Sid: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.
+
+ Jerry: You left the keys in the car?
+
+ Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the + block, and all
+ those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got + a little
+ distracted.
+
+ Kramer: You know I'm in that movie?
+
+ George: You are?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra.
+
+ George: How'd you get that?
+
+ Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy + just asked
+ me.
+
+ George: Right out of the clear blue sky?
+
+ Kramer: Clear blue sky!
+
+ George: Well, why didn't they ask me?
+
+ Kramer: I got a quality.
+
+ Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.
+
+ Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, + for a
+ week, so I can't park it.
+
+ Jerry: This Wednesday?
+
+ Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.
+
+ Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
+
+ Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. + It's the
+ week after this Wednesday.
+
+ George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?
+
+ Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They + can move
+ themselves if they want.
+
+ George: Maybe I could move them until you get back.
+
+ Sid: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't + work?
+
+ George: I'm in a transition phase right now.
+
+ Sid: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't + forget to
+ take the keys out, that's all.
+
+ Phone rings.
+
+ Jerry: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just + slide it all
+ the way over. You're welcome.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.
+
+ Elaine: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like + he's reading
+ from one of his novels.
+
+ Jerry: Owen March, I never heard of him.
+
+ Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty + good.
+
+ Elaine: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.
+
+ Jerry: What's that?
+
+ Elaine: He's sixty-six years old.
+
+ Rental car agent: Next please.
+
+ Elaine: Well, go, go.
+
+ Agent: Can I help you? Name please?
+
+ Jerry: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's + a small. I'm
+ kidding around, of course.
+
+ Agent: Okay, let's see here.
+
+ Jerry: Sixty-six years old?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. + You'd
+ really like him.
+
+ Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would + I like him?
+
+ Elaine: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year + old woman?
+
+ Jerry: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. + So vibrant,
+ she'd be spinning.
+
+ Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
+
+ Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my + reservation?
+
+ Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
+
+ Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have + the
+ reservation.
+
+ Agent: I know why we have reservations.
+
+ Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you + know how to
+ take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation + and
+ that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. + Anybody
+ can just take them.
+
+ Agent: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.
+
+ The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can + be seen
+ speaking with someone.
+
+ Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying + over there?
+
+ Elaine: What?
+
+ Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think + I'm talking
+ to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start + talking.
+
+ Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something + but I'm
+ not really saying anything at all?
+
+ Jerry: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause + they thought
+ I was checking with you.
+
+ Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.
+
+ The agent returns.
+
+ Agent: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over + there.
+
+ Agent: But we do have a compact if you would like that.
+
+ Jerry: Fine.
+
+ Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. + Would you
+ like insurance?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna + beat the hell
+ out of this car.
+
+ Agent: Please fill this out.
+
+ Elaine: What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?
+
+ Jerry: Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.
+ +
+ Elaine: I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's + okay being
+ with him.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
+
+ Elaine: I just don't enjoy being with him.
+
+ Jerry: Well that's what's important.
+
+ Elaine: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, + do I have to
+ break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over + the phone?
+
+ Jerry: How many times you been out with him?
+
+ Elaine: Seven?
+
+ Jerry: Face to face.
+
+ Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
+
+ Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, + is over
+ the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
+
+ Elaine: Hmm... How's the pasta over there?
+
+ Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him + out of the way
+ and heads for the kitchen sink.
+
+ Kramer: Whoa, whoa!!
+
+ Jerry: What is going on out there?
+
+ George: I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, + I got an alarm
+ that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! + What do I
+ do?! Help me! Help me!
+
+ George runs off into the bathroom.
+
+ Kramer: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?
+
+ Elaine: Today?!
+
+ Kramer: You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the + block
+ carrying this bag of groceries.
+
+ Elaine: Yeah.
+
+ Kramer: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes + flying, and
+ Woody, Woody starts laughing.
+
+ Elaine: He was laughing?!
+
+ Kramer: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out + of his nose.
+
+ Jerry: So then what?
+
+ Kramer: I got a line in the movie!
+
+ Elaine: Get out!
+
+ Jerry: That's great!
+
+ George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
+
+ Kramer: Pretty good, huh?
+
+ George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
+
+ Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new + career on my
+ hands, huh?
+
+ Jerry: You mean *a* career.
+
+ Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there?
+
+ Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.
+
+ Elaine: What's your line?
+
+ Kramer: Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm + at this bar
+ and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
+
+ The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.
+
+ Kramer: So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him + and I go,
+"Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."
+
+ George: Is that how you're gonna say it?
+
+ Kramer: No, no, I'm working on it.
+
+ Elaine: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
+
+ Jerry: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
+
+ Kramer: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to + act.
+
+ George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"
+
+ Jerry pinches his nose.
+
+ George: That was no good?
+
+ Kramer: I didn't say anything.
+
+ Elaine: I'm gonna go break up with Owen.
+
+ George: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! + Do you
+ know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar + a really long
+ time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman + and he's
+ parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! + Alright!
+ Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are + making me
+ thirsty!
+
+ George storms out.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on + the door, Jerry
+ opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.
+
+ Jerry: Oh my god.
+
+ Elaine: Call an ambulance.
+
+ Jerry: Boy, he took it hard.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what + happened.
+
+ Elaine: We were walking down the block right by your house and I + was just about
+ to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.
+
+ Jerry (on the phone): Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty + nine west
+ Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.
+
+ Elaine: Tell then to hurry! Hurry!
+
+ Jerry (To Elaine): It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't + know but he's
+ unconscious.
+
+ Kramer enters.
+
+ Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) + Boy,
+ these pretzels are making me thirsty.
+
+ Jerry: Kramer.
+
+ Kramer: What happened here?
+
+ Elaine: I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called + an ambulance,
+ does anyone know first aid?
+
+ Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
+
+ Elaine: What extremities?
+
+ Kramer: What's an extremity?
+
+ Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head.
+
+ Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.
+
+ Elaine: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.
+
+ Jerry: I don't have a washcloth.
+
+ Elaine: Well use a paper towel.
+
+ Jerry: You can't put a paper towel on his head.
+ +
+ Kramer: What about a big sponge?
+
+ Jerry: How you gonna hold it on there?
+
+ Kramer: Use a belt.
+
+ Elaine: No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.
+
+ Jerry: Should we walk him around?
+
+ Elaine and Kramer (at the same time): Yes, yes.
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that.
+
+ Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose.
+
+ Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got.
+
+ Elaine: No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't + leave the
+ table.
+
+ Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.
+
+ Elaine: He is not a drug addict!
+
+ Jerry: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just + need a cookie
+ or something.
+
+ Elaine: A cookie!
+
+ Kramer: Can you give him a cookie?
+
+ Elaine: How's he gonna chew it?
+
+ Jerry: We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar + revived him.
+
+ Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw + up and down.
+
+ Elaine: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.
+
+ Kramer: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.
+
+ Elaine: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and + he could drink
+ it.
+
+ Jerry: Cookies don't liquefy.
+
+ Elaine: Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.
+
+ Kramer: Alright I'll get a blender.
+
+ Jerry: What blender? I don't have a blender.
+
+ Kramer: You got a blender.
+
+ Jerry: I would know if I had a blender.
+
+ Elaine: Where is the ambulance?!
+
+ Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed + by a
+ crashing sound.
+
+ The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.
+
+ Jerry (on phone): Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five
+ minutes ago.
+
+ Elaine: I can't believe what's going on out here.
+
+ Jerry: This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer + buzzes)
+ Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?
+
+ Voice: Paramedics.
+
+ Jerry: Come on up. Okay, they're here.
+
+ Elaine: He seems to be breathing.
+
+ Jerry: Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.
+
+ Elaine: I know.
+
+ Jerry: Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that + to him?
+
+ Elaine: Almost.
+
+ Jerry: Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.
+
+ Elaine: It's not an easy thing to bring up.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
+
+ Elaine: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.
+
+ Elaine: He does, how'd you know that?
+
+ Jerry: I could tell.
+
+ Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.
+
+ Elaine: What happened, what took you so long?!
+
+ Paramedic: We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, + the whole
+ intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So + finally we
+ make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars + slammed into
+ us with a blue Escort.
+
+ Jerry: Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!
+
+ George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.
+
+ George: Oh man.
+
+ Jerry: What happened to the car?
+
+ George: Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks + at Owen)
+ Who's he?
+
+ Elaine: This guy I'm seeing.
+
+ George: What happened?
+
+ Jerry: We don't know!
+
+ Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?
+
+ Jerry and Elaine: Cookies?
+
+ Paramedic: You're not supposed to do that.
+
+ Jerry: So how'd you hit the car?
+
+ George: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw + Woody Allen
+ and I got all distracted.
+
+ Jerry: It's not even my car, it's a rental.
+
+ Kramer enters.
+
+ Kramer: What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production + of the
+ movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.
+
+ George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
+
+ Kramer: He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the + street all
+ screwed up?'
+
+ George: Should I apologize to Woody?
+
+ Kramer: Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe + I'll bring
+ it up. I'll feel him out.
+
+
+ Mid-episode Monologue.
+ What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years + ago? You
+ know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. +
+ Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole + first aid.
+ They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' + 'No, no we
+ can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you + know that. Did
+ you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before + anybody.'
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment.
+
+ Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should + have
+ mentioned that.
+
+ George: Well I know how to drive.
+
+ Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling + me up
+ screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
+
+ + Jerry: Can I get anybody anything?
+
+ Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't + take no more
+ sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's + putting your
+ pants on?
+
+ George: I put my pants on, Sid.
+
+ Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can + move those
+ cars.
+
+ George: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.
+
+ Sid: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little + boy needs
+ surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because + you can't
+ park a few cars.
+
+ George: Maybe I could call my father.
+
+ Kramer enters holding a newspaper.
+
+ Kramer: Hey, you seen the paper yet?
+
+ Jerry: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.
+
+ Kramer: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.
+
+ Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered + a stroke
+ yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.
+
+ Kramer: Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.
+
+ Jerry (continuing): The extent of the damage would have been far + less severe
+ had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.
+
+ Sid: Oh lord.
+
+ Jerry (finishing): The commotion also delayed production of a Woody + Allen movie
+ that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary + filmmaker said
+ that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of + shooting
+ movies in New York were over.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating + a bag of
+ pretzels.
+
+ Elaine: Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking + up with
+ him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's + over.'
+
+ Jerry: Can he communicate?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems + to enjoy
+ it when I read to him.
+
+ Jerry: Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called + before,
+ uh, my car got smashed.
+
+ Elaine: So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him + now it'll
+ look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized + from
+ the community.
+
+ Jerry: What community? There's a community?
+
+ Elaine: Of course there's a community.
+
+ Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.
+
+ Agent: Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand + eight hundred
+ and sixty-six dollars.
+
+ Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...
+
+ Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the + driver of
+ the car at the time of the accident.
+
+ Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving.
+
+ Agent: Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving + the car.
+
+ Jerry: Uh huh, what's that?
+
+ Agent: You're not covered for other drivers.
+
+ Jerry: Other drivers?
+
+ Agent: Um hm.
+
+ Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented + car.
+ That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover + me or
+ something?
+
+ Agent: Not that particular one.
+
+ Jerry: Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, + any card you
+ want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.
+
+ Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--
+
+ Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration + of
+ Independence, who's gonna read that?
+
+ Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered + for that
+ damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.
+
+ Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair + and in
+ generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup.
+
+ Elaine: Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, + huh? Don't
+ they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in + the south, are
+ they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my + Yankee
+ Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) + Owen, I
+ think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be + nice if *we*
+ could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming + here, and uh,
+ feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's + good stuff.
+ Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! + But at this
+ point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment + to one
+ person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. + For example, I
+ like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and + skiing, and um,
+ well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch + to get here.
+ It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take + the
+ double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. + These
+ pretzels are making me thirsty.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.
+
+ Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked + in a
+ vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
+
+ Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.
+
+ George: Do I smell?
+
+ Elaine: No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street + subway today,
+ it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.
+
+ Jerry: Ahh.
+
+ George: He's alright?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just + using me for
+ sex.
+
+ The waitress brings the check.
+
+ Jerry: Let me get that.
+
+ George: No no no, I got it.
+
+ Jerry: Please.
+
+ + George: No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost + you over two
+ thousand dollars,
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.
+
+ Kramer enters and sits down.
+
+ Jerry: What are you doing here?
+
+ Kramer: I got fired from the movie.
+
+ George: Get out of here, why?
+
+ Kramer: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we + rehearsed it
+ twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These + pretzels
+ are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I + slammed the
+ glass down on the bar and it shattered.
+
+ Elaine: Aww.
+
+ Kramer: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started + crying. And
+ he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, + she came up
+ to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.
+
+ Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves.
+
+ Jerry: Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.
+
+
+ Closing monologue.
+
+ I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And + the best part
+ of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to + get married,
+ you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or + for worse, all
+ I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. + Do you take
+ this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. + Rest of the
+ time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the + sniffles, you
+ better be there.
+
+ + End. + + +   + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+ +

Written by: Spike Feresten

+

Directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

Broadcasted: December 19, 1996 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,

+

Tom Gallop (as Alan),

+

Wayne Knight (as Newman).

+

 

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. + George bursts into the room)

+

GEORGE: Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!

+

JERRY: (Gets up) Get out!

+

GEORGE: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across + from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.

+

JERRY: (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than + mine?

+

GEORGE: (Definite) Oh yeah.

+

JERRY: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?

+

GEORGE: You know what? it's better than Elaine's, + too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)

+

JERRY: She's out.

+

GEORGE: (Stops) Oh right, the blind date.

+

JERRY: Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. + I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those + losers.

+

GEORGE: Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll + take you two minutes.

+

JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.

+

GEORGE: (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture + down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with + the walk-in closet. (Smiles)

+

JERRY: (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying.

+

GEORGE: (Laughs as they leave) It's working already! + (Both exit)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Manhattan Mini-storage]

+

(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's + pulling a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)

+

JERRY: (Disgusted) What is with that?!

+

KRAMER: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the + diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture + of germs being in the air)

+

JERRY: (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) + Where is your key?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.

+

JERRY: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space + to you.

+

KRAMER: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to + Newman. (Starts coughing again)

+

(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out + of the unit)

+

JERRY: (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail + in here?

+

KRAMER: (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: George's new apartment]

+

(George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks + in while he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)

+

RICARDI: Excuse me, George?

+

GEORGE: (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves + her off)

+

RICARDI: (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No, + I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association.

+

GEORGE: Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. + I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and + guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball

+

tward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively) Come + on! (Stops and laughs right before running into her)

+

RICARDI: No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, + Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.

+

GEORGE: (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it + to me.

+

RICARDI: Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an + Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that + he's already been through, we've decided to

+

give it to him.

+

GEORGE: (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that + was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving)

+

RICARDI: (Correcting) Shipwreck.

+

GEORGE: I remember.. (Leaves)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Restaurant]

+

(Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. + She's thinking to herself)

+

ELAINE: Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate + this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a + sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals"..

+

huh.

+

(A waiter approaches)

+

WAITER: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?

+

ELAINE: Yeah?

+

WAITER: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's + sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been + stabbed.

+

ELAINE: (Shocked) Stabbed?!

+

WAITER: More bread?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

JERRY: (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?

+

ELAINE: That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!

+

JERRY: Did you find out who stabbed him?

+

ELAINE: Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.

+

JERRY: (Like a father) Well, you're not going near + this hooligan anymore.

+

ELAINE: Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, + Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can + arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned

+

on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You + know, it's.. kind of a compliment.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. + He could have been the one.

+

(Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the + kitchen)

+

JERRY AND ELAINE: Hey.

+

KRAMER: Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration + date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the + food)

+

JERRY: There is now. Kramer, you should really get + that cough checked out by a doctor.

+

KRAMER: (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors + for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. + (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so

+

Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.

+

JERRY: (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?

+

KRAMER: (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!

+

(Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. + George enters)

+

GEORGE: Hey.

+

JERRY: Hey. How's the new place?!

+

GEORGE: Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living + room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) + The tenant association made me give it

+

to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..

+

ELAINE: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did + the song about?

+

JERRY: (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.

+

ELIANE: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.

+

JERRY: (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot + was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.

+

GEORGE: (Talking about his would-be apartment) You + could fit 15 people in that bathroom..

+

ELAINE: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the + Cat Stevens.

+

KRAMER: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided + with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. + (Makes a clicking sound with his

+

tongue)

+

(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)

+

GEORGE: How do you know?

+

KRAMER: it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales + of the Sea" 51 people died.

+

GEORGE: 51 people?!

+

KRAMER: That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!

+

KRAMER: There were 1,650 survivors.

+

GEORGE: That's no tragedy! How many people do you + lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that + book? (Starts walking tward the door.

+

Kramer grabs his food, and follows)

+

KRAMER: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear + Attacks"

+

(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. + Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same)

+

JERRY: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman + about getting that mail outta there?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. + (Leaves)

+

(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

+

(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's + sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)

+

JERRY: Newman?

+

NEWMAN: (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.

+ +

JERRY: Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my + storage unit.

+

NEWMAN: Sometimes we don't get what we want.

+

JERRY: (Confused) What are you talking about?

+

NEWMAN: I didn't get my transfer.

+

JERRY: "Transfer"?

+

NEWMAN: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route + of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like + the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm

+

hanging it up.

+

JERRY: You quit the post office?

+

NEWMAN: Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm + just not delivering mail.

+

JERRY: Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.

+

NEWMAN: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's + soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.

+

JERRY: (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Central Park]

+

(Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking + some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer + stops the man)

+

KRAMER: Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you + got there, huh?

+

MAN: What cough?

+

(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts + while pointing to the dog)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Restaurant]

+

(Elaine's on a date with Alan)

+

ELAINE: I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as + she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, + (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures.

+

Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with + every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's + unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)

+

ALAN: No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit + jumpy.

+

ELAINE: (Leans in close) Between you and me, what + happened there with the stabbing?

+

ALAN: Just.. one of those things, you know.

+

ELAINE: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you + that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?

+

ALAN: I don't know. Could be.

+

(A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine + and Alan's table)

+

CAROL: Alan?!

+

ALAN: Carol?

+

(Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his + face, then storms off. Alan screams from the pain)

+

ELAINE: (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the + one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!

+

ALAN: (Between screams) No, that was a different girl.

+

(Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

JERRY: There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?

+

ELAINE: Right, so, I called my friend, you know - + the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.

+

JERRY: Mmm.. Bad how?

+

ELAINE: (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how + you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you + don't mean, but he means them.

+

JERRY: (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?

+

ELAINE: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't + break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important + parts of a relationship.

+

JERRY: (Agreeing) What's more important?

+

(Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then + they both get into sort of a shrug-off)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC Street]

+

(While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, + he meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)

+

KRAMER: (Between coughs) Hey.

+

GEORGE: What's with the dog?

+

KRAMER: (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. + I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)

+

GEORGE: Oh..

+

(Smuckers coughs)

+

KRAMER: (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same + affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.

+

GEORGE: A vet?

+

KRAMER: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. + They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his + words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops

+

snapping) - all on the same day.

+

GEORGE: So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take + dog medicine?

+

KRAMER: (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers + coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: George's apartment building]

+

(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his + new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)

+

GEORGE: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were + on the Andrea Doria.

+

ELDRIDGE: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.

+

GEORGE: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves + on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, + huh, Clarence? (Laughs)

+

ELDRIDGE: (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.

+

GEORGE: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.

+

ELDRIDGE: The boat sank.

+

GEORGE: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, + it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into + a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So,

+

uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, + and letting me shove off in this beauty?

+

ELDRIDGE: Is that what this is all about?! I don't + think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind + him)

+

GEORGE: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! + The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Vet's office]

+

(Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)

+

VET: What are the symptoms?

+

KRAMER: Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially + when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. + dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's

+

worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) + Yeah, that's it. That's it.

+

VET: Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this + lately. Been drinking from the toilet?

+

KRAMER: (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

ALAN: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?

+

ELAINE: (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? + Break-up? We went out on one date.

+

ALAN: (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever + you say.

+

ELAINE: (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. + Good.

+

ALAN: Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head. + (Gets up to leave)

+

ELAINE: Pardon?

+

ALAN: You got a big head. It's too big for your body. + (Walks for the door)

+

ELAINE: (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) + That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't + deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years + ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've

+

been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including + yesterday!

+

JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed + with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing + Tales of Costanza".

+

GEORGE: (Interested) I should!

+

JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is + unparalleled.

+

GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else + on this planet!

+

JERRY: You're the man!

+

(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer + it. Newman's standing in the doorway)

+

NEWMAN: Jerry!

+

JERRY: I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. + (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to + Newman by keeping the conversation with

+

George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?

+

GEORGE: Nah, I guess I should really get moving on + this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)

+

JERRY: (Angered) Hello.. Newman.

+

NEWMAN: (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!

+

JERRY: What's the difference?

+

NEWMAN: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted + for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!

+

JERRY: Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.

+

NEWMAN: Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition + to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over + to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be

+

stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down + on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.

+

JERRY: You're giving up that easy?

+

NEWMAN: I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.

+

JERRY: (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You + can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!

+

NEWMAN: (Intrigued) What are you proposing?

+

JERRY: (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it + takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from + me!

+

NEWMAN: An alliance?

+

JERRY: (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake + hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)

+

ELAINE: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with + the mail?

+

JERRY: (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my + sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, + Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to

+

play with my toys.

+

ELAINE: Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You + know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me + "big head".

+ +

JERRY: "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost + a compliment.

+

ELAINE: (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's + ever said to me.

+

(The phone rings. Jerry answers it)

+

JERRY: Hello?

+

GEORGE: (On the other line) Hey.

+

JERRY: Hey, George.

+

GEORGE: Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.

+

JERRY: You can't make it?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, the tenant association has decided to + hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll + see ya.

+

JERRY: Alright. (Hangs up)

+

ELAINE: Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?

+

JERRY: (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.

+

ELAINE: (Gives a "That's a shame" face) + Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters + coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of

+

Kramer's coughs, then walks off)

+

JERRY: Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for + that?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) + I got some pilss. They taste terrible.

+

JERRY: (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.

+

KRAMER: (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too + tender.

+

JERRY: Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill + from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner + with his dog)

+

KRAMER: I don't want to!

+

(Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists + violently - much like a dog would)

+

JERRY: C'mon. Just sit down!

+

KRAMER: (Squirming) Jerry! What?!

+

JERRY: Sit down! Sit down!

+

KRAMER: (Struggling) Hey!

+

JERRY: Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs + Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!

+

(Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds + Kramer's mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already + swallowed it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer

+

spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving + up)

+

JERRY: (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills + are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting + and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog

+

pills!

+

KRAMER: Whe have the same symptoms.

+

JERRY: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.

+

KRAMER: No, no. No doctors.

+

JERRY: Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his + coat)

+

KRAMER: Where are you going?

+

JERRY: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. + You want to go?

+

KRAMER: I don't know..

+

JERRY: (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a + ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) + Huh? C'mon! C'mon!

+

(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry + follows Kramer out)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Taxi cab]

+

(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)

+

DRIVER: Lady, could you move your head a little bit?

+

ELAINE: What?

+

DRIVER: Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine + slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little + more. (Slides down until just her eyes and

+

forehead can be seen) Thank you.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's car]

+

(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer + is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the + windows - just as a dog would)

+

KRAMER: I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks + out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying + to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the

+

way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) + Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) + You're taking me to the doctor!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)

+

GEORGE: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could + help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..

+

ESTELLE: I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and + her drink) Let's change tables.

+

FRANK: Get outta here! We have a booth.

+

ESTELLE: Frank, I'm cold!

+

FRANK: Order a hot dish.

+

ESTELLE: Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a + table)

+

FRANK: (Yelling) That's not a booth!

+

ESTELLE: (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who + says we have to sit in a booth?!

+

FRANK: (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all + the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the + table)

+

ESTELLE: (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway + to be in a drafty restaurant!

+

(A moment passes)

+

GEORGE: (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.

+

FRANK: Now, George, what do you want to know about + your childhood?

+

GEORGE: (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think + I'm pretty clear on it.

+

FRANK: (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC Street]

+

(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. + Kramer refuses to get out of the car)

+

JERRY: Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!

+

KRAMER: No, Jerry!

+

JERRY: Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying + to pull him out of the car)

+

KRAMER: No! Don't!

+

(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer + quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street)

+

JERRY: Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over + here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Tenant board room]

+

(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. + Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, + is bored to death. He's leaning back in his

+

chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall + - to display how bored he is)

+

ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the + fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George + stops knocking on the walls) It was the

+

sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.

+

RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant + board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.

+

(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then + gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets + up and takes George's seat in the corner)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

+

(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)

+

JERRY: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? + (Sees the pac) What happened?

+

NEWMAN: Kramer bit me!

+

JERRY: Bit you?!

+

NEWMAN: We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, + and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! + I don't think I can do my route -

+

and they're awarding the transfer in two days!

+

JERRY: (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?

+

NEWMAN: You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver + mail!

+

JERRY: Well, why not?

+

NEWMAN: (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. + It's just walking around putting it into boxes..

+

JERRY: What am I gonna wear?

+

NEWMAN: I could give you my uniform from my rookie + year.

+

JERRY: (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!

+

(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking + along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store + owner brooming the sidewalk)

+

JERRY: (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!

+

OWNER: Mail on Sunday?

+

JERRY: (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the + route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, + then keeps walking)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Tenant board room]

+

(George is telling the board his astonishing life + stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)

+

GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, + (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was + attractive.. She was, also, infact, a

+

Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I + had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, + there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts

+

to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at + me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of + a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing

+

statements) In closing, these stories have not been + embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, + horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short,

+

stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. + (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story + is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi

+

is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one + more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes + that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying

+

erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. + Eldridge looks defeated)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

+

(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)

+

JERRY: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, + like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs + - Do not bend".

+

NEWMAN: "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just + crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers + it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand..

+ +

very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)

+

JERRY: What?

+

NEWMAN: That was the Vice President of the post office. + I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!

+

JERRY: How did they know?!

+

NEWMAN: (Stands up) Too many people go their mail! + Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the + 50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!

+

JERRY: (Pleading) I tried my best!

+

NEWMAN: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. + (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. + Newman then tears the post office

+

badge from Jerry's coat)

+

JERRY: You know, this is your coat.

+

NEWMAN: (Realizing) Damn!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Central park]

+

(Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a + bird flies right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The + bird regains it's balance, and flies off. The man on

+

the bench is staring in awe)

+

MAN 2: He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't + avoid it.

+

ELAINE: (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really?

+

MAN 2: Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's + head..

+

(Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

GEORGE: It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The + ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.

+

JERRY: Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. + (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?

+

GEORGE: They're making their decision today.

+

(Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying + to tie her hair down. She looks angered at something)

+

JERRY: What's the matter with you?

+

ELAINE: Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant + freak-head. (Sits down)

+

JERRY: What giant freak-head?

+

ELAINE: (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop + my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!

+

JERRY: So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing + right into his hands!

+

ELAINE: (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All + I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that + it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or

+

jam a fork into his forehead.

+

JERRY: (Casually, sarcastic) Either way.

+

ELAINE: (Getting up to leave) Alright.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Restaurant]

+

ALAN: I want to apologize for..

+

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) Oh, please.

+

ALAN: So you have a big head.

+

ELAINE: (Casually playing along) So what?

+

ALAN: It goes well with that bump in your nose.

+

ELAINE: (Suddenly angry) What?!

+

(Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman + runs out of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)

+

WOMAN: Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed + woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant". + Hurry!

+

(Kramer takes off running down the street, looking + for a cop. He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. + Before he can tell them the urgent message,

+

he starts coughing uncontrollably)

+

COP: Boy, that's some cough you got there.

+

(Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)

+

COP 2: No, I think he's trying to tell us something. + What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble") + Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's

+

trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") + Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the + way! Come on.

+

(Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the + cops following him)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: George's apartment building]

+

(George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up + Alan is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)

+

GEORGE: Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there?

+

ALAN: I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They + shake hands)

+

GEORGE: What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you + the apartment?!

+

ALAN: Yeah.

+

GEORGE: Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got + coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged + forehead)

+

ALAN: Oh, fork in the forehead.

+

GEORGE: That's why they gave you the apartment?

+

ALAN: No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.

+

GEORGE: Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned + it with 34 years of misery!

+

ALAN: Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, + and slams the door on George)

+

(George starts acting self-conscious about his chin + - much like Elaine and her head)

+

END OF SHOW.

+

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The Apartment

+ +

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+

Written by: Peter Mehlman

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

Broadcasted: April 4, 1991 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tony Plana (as Manny), and + Glenn

+

Shadix (as Harold).

+

 

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in + this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it + kinda gets me down. I look around,

+

and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize + it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps + coming in and coming in. Everytime I

+

paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall + outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots + in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to

+

push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in.. + My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship + Enterprise. You know what

+

I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star + Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through + space in your living room, watching

+

TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because + Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday + night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be

+

there.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded. + His hair is slicked down)

+

JERRY: What did you do?

+

KRAMER: Mousse. I moussed up.

+

ELAINE: I guess it was just a matter of time.

+

KRAMER: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel + like I had two lives. My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse. + Hey, tell me the truth,

+

have you ever seen a better looking guy?

+

JERRY: Oh, look, its so subjective.

+

ELAINE: I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my + friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.

+

KRAMER: Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that.

+

ELAINE: She lives right above First Avenue, and says she has a + perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.

+

JERRY: Maybe.

+

(A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny, + the building supervisors)

+

HAROLD: No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams out something + in Spanish)

+

JERRY: Harold and Manny.

+

HAROLD: I'm not going. (Manny says something in Spanish, Jerry + goes out into the hall)

+

JERRY: Boys, boys.

+

HAROLD: Oh, Jerry.

+

JERRY: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?

+

HAROLD: Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would you like anything + from Mrs. Hudwalker's apartment? (Manny starts yelling at Harold + in Spanish) I was only

+

joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's + things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there + now and clean the apartment.

+

It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there + for a month.

+

JERRY: She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died?

+

HAROLD: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't + have a wig on. It was horrifying.

+

MANNY: Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry up!

+

HAROLD: (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! I'm talking. So, + Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?

+

JERRY: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?

+

HAROLD: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says "hello" + to me.

+

JERRY: It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she would take it in + a second.

+

HAROLD: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. + (Manny starts protesting in Spanish) What's the difference? It's + true.

+

JERRY: So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it?

+

HAROLD: Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, too. It's only four + hundred dollars a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. (Manny + keeps talking in Spanish) Okay.

+

(Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)

+

KRAMER: (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, what do you think?

+

HAROLD: Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his hair.

+

MANNY: (In Spanish) It looks worse.

+

KRAMER: (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks.

+

(Jerry enters his apartment)

+

ELAINE: What was that all about?

+

JERRY: Oh, nothing important.

+

ELAINE: What's going on? What is that look?

+

JERRY: What look? Nothing.

+

ELAINE: Something's going on here.

+

JERRY: I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting + is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down.. + I can't decide.

+

ELAINE: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon. + Cough it up.

+

JERRY: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - rarely ever thinking + of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those + close to me. Sure, it hurts

+

sometimes - to give, and give, and give..

+

ELAINE: Would you please?

+

JERRY: What would you say if I told you that..

+

ELAINE: Told me what?!

+

JERRY: ..I got you an apartment in this building.

+

ELAINE: (Dumbfounded) No.

+

JERRY: Yes.

+

ELAINE: No.

+

JERRY: Yes.

+

ELAINE: You didn't.

+

JERRY: I did.

+

ELAINE: You got me an apartment in the building?!

+

JERRY: I got you an apartment in the building.

+

ELAINE: How did you..

+

JERRY: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman + who lived above me?

+

ELAINE: No.

+

JERRY: She died.

+

ELAINE: (Thrilled) She died?!

+

JERRY: She died.

+

ELAINE: She died!

+

JERRY: And the rent's only four hundred dollars a month!

+

ELAINE: Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles back) Four hundred + a month? Only four hundred a month?!

+

JERRY: Four hundred a month.

+

ELAINE: And I'll be right upstairs?

+

JERRY: Right upstairs.

+

ELAINE: Right above you?

+

JERRY: Right above me.

+

ELAINE: Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time!

+

JERRY: (Suddenly having second thoughts) All the time..

+

ELAINE: We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this + is going to be great!

+

JERRY: ..All the time..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying + the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like + you're always making a movie.

+

You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole + shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could + take back. You're out

+

somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" + "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk + out the door, and come back in. Let's take

+

this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!"

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

GEORGE: (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, Donna. (Walks out, + he runs into Jerry outside the shop) What happened to you?

+

JERRY: You can't believe what I just did.

+

GEORGE: What? What did you do?

+

JERRY: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it. + It's not believable.

+

GEORGE: What did you do?

+

JERRY: How could I have done that?

+

GEORGE: Done what?

+

JERRY: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. + She's going to move in.

+

GEORGE: Elaine's moving into your building?

+

JERRY: Yes. Right above me.

+

GEORGE: Right above you?

+

JERRY: Yes.

+

GEORGE: You're gonna be neighbors.

+

JERRY: I know. Neighbors.

+

GEORGE: She's right above you?

+

JERRY: Right above me.

+

GEORGE: How could you do that?

+

JERRY: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but + with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

+

GEORGE: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking + to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

+

JERRY: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?

+

GEORGE: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?

+

JERRY: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I + come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat + burglar.

+

GEORGE: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at + women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget + + about the home bed

+

advantage.

+

JERRY: But I need the home bed advantage!

+

GEORGE: Of course, we all do.

+

JERRY: (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come in for two minutes and + sit with me.

+

GEORGE: I was just in there. It's embarrassing.

+

JERRY: Oh, who's gonna know?

+

GEORGE: They saw me walk out.

+

JERRY: Two minutes.

+

(Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)

+

JERRY: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy + in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't + make a mistake? He went

+

for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.

+

GEORGE: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. + Emotionally exhausted.

+

JERRY: ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?

+

GEORGE: Tough.

+

JERRY: You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building.. + and she loves a good shower.

+

GEORGE: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because + of a weak shower spray.

+

JERRY: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.

+

GEORGE: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if + she had to..

+

JERRY: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, + coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?

+

GEORGE: I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date + first.. remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?

+

JERRY: Yeah, the guy with the flat head?

+

GEORGE: He's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he + told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have + been coming on to him

+

everywhere he goes.

+

JERRY: Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.

+

GEORGE: (Joking) I wonder if that's really true.

+

JERRY: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You + know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Apartment buliding hallway]

+

(George is trying on a wedding band)

+

GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week.

+

KRAMER: You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with + this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a + piece.

+

GEORGE: I'm not doing that.

+

KRAMER: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking + guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?

+

GEORGE: No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.

+

(Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall)

+

HAROLD: I told you I don't like these sponges, they're too small! + I want a big sponge! (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything with + these! There's no absorption!

+

(Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)

+

JERRY: Boys, boys.

+

HAROLD: Hi, Jerry.

+

HAROLD: Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish to Harold)

+

HAROLD: Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry.

+

JERRY: What?

+

HAROLD: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for + the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it. (Manny + yells) Because it's true!

+

Why shouldn't I tell him?

+

JERRY: Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. (Manny talks + in Spanish)

+

HAROLD: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand + dollars, we'll give it to her.

+

JERRY: Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's + gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to his apartment) + You know, I used to think that the

+

universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, + but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.

+

GEORGE: What happened to you?

+

JERRY: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, + I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum + of five thousand dollars to get the

+

apartment upstairs.

+

GEORGE: Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars!

+

JERRY: Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!

+

GEORGE: So, she can't get the apartment.

+

JERRY: Can't get it.

+

GEORGE: So, she doesn't move in.

+

JERRY: No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.

+

GEORGE: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

+

(The intercom buzzes)

+

JERRY: (Into the intercom) Elaine?

+

ELAINE: Yeah.

+

JERRY: (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, this is going + to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. + You're going to really see

+

me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should + go in the other room.

+

GEORGE: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole + life is a sham!

+

JERRY: 'Cause you know, I love Elaine.

+

GEORGE: Of course you do.

+

JERRY: But you know.. not in the building. Really, I feel terrible + about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me..

+

(Enter Elaine) ELAINE: (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll be + seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good morning, good morning.." + Have you ever gotten up in the morning

+

and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of + sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other room) + Oh, and before I forget, I have the

+

checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have seventy-five + dollars left in my account.

+

JERRY: (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's a little bit of a problem.

+

ELAINE: Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already + thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill + said, "Why stand when

+

you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies..

+

JERRY: No, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the + apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd + have to come up with that

+

money.

+

ELAINE: Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars.

+

JERRY: I know.

+

ELAINE: How am I going to get five thousand dollars?

+

JERRY: I have no idea.

+

(Enter Kramer)

+

KRAMER: Hey, my new neighbor!

+

ELAINE: I'm not moving in.

+

KRAMER: What?

+

ELAINE: They want five thousand dollars now.

+

KRAMER: So, okay. What's the problem?

+

ELAINE: I don't have five thousand dollars.

+

KRAMER: C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. Jerry, + you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.

+

JERRY: Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something you want to borrow?

+

ELAINE: No, that's too much money to borrow.

+

KRAMER: Loan her the money. You can afford it.

+

JERRY: She doesn't want to borrow the money.

+

KRAMER: Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between + friends?

+

ELAINE: Of course I'd pay you back..

+

KRAMER: Yeah, so what's the problem?

+

JERRY: Who said there's a problem?

+

KRAMER: He said he'd loan you the money.

+

ELAINE: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. + Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?

+

KRAMER: That's okay. He doesn't care.

+

ELAINE: You know, money can sometimes come between friends.

+

KRAMER: Get outta here.

+

ELAINE: Let me think about it.

+

KRAMER: What's to think about?

+

ELAINE: I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. let me just + take one more look at it. (Leaves)

+

JERRY: It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand.. + Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand. + Clean. Good bye.

+

She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five + thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five + thousand."

+

KRAMER: You didn't want her in the building?

+

JERRY: No, I didn't!

+

KRAMER: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? + Oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. I mean, she did say that she + was going to think about it.

+

JERRY: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from + the animals.

+

KRAMER: I still don't understand what the problem is having her + in the building.

+

JERRY: Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. + You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other + hand, am a human being. I

+

sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain + situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.

+

KRAMER: Because I'm a pod?

+

(George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)

+

ELAINE: I'll take it!

+

(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Roxanne's apartment]

+

(Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and + George. Roxanne greets them)

+

ROXANNE: Hi, Elaine..

+

ELAINE: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. + This is George, and this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) Jerry's + the one who got me my new

+

apartment!

+

ROXANNE: So, you're Elaine's hero.

+

JERRY: Yeah, it's my life's work.

+

ROXANNE: There are so few true heros left in this world. (Jerry's + attracted to Roxanne, Elaine notices)

+

GEORGE: (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, my wife couldn't make + it today. She's got some thing with her mother.. Who know's what + going on with her. Don't

+

let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle)

+

JERRY: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (Starts + selecting food from the tables)

+

ROXANNE: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?

+

JERRY: Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in it.

+

ROXANNE: I wish we had a view of the finish line.

+

JERRY: What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and + twenty thousand losers.

+

(Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next + to an attractive woman)

+

GEORGE: ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. + I'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another.

+ +

RITA: Is she here?

+

GEORGE: No, she's working.

+

RITA: What does she do?

+

GEORGE: She's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats. + What about you?

+

RITA: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It's great! + I can get free tickets to any sporting even in New York. (George + is stunned) Anyway, she's a

+

very luck woman.

+

GEORGE: But.. (She leaves, George is standing there)

+

(Scene cuts to an entering man and woman)

+

ROXANNE: Hi Stan. Joanne.

+

ELAINE: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my + short story class with Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got me a + great apartment in his building!

+

JOANNE: Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby?

+

JERRY: Fantastic..

+

STAN: She can pop in whenever she wants.

+

JERRY: I know.

+

JOANNE: She doesn't even need to knock!

+

JERRY: It's tremendous.

+

STAN: Anytime of day.

+

JERRY: I'm in heaven.

+

ELAINE: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got + me the apartment.

+

RITA: Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got + Elaine the apartment.

+

(Scene cuts to George)

+

GEORGE: I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador. + The bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The both laugh + flirtingly)

+

SUSIE: So, are you really married? Because, I've actually heard + of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women.

+

GEORGE: You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that.

+

SUSIE: That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys + with glasses. (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)

+

RITA: Hey everybody! Here come the runners!

+

(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put)

+

ELAINE: So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?

+

JERRY: Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.

+

ELAINE: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to + her.

+

JERRY: I'm a guy.. it always looks like that.

+

ELAINE: Because, I was thinking.. are you at all concerned that + living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?

+

JERRY: Na..

+

ELAINE: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation + in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little + uncomfortable. But - as long as

+

you're okay with it, it's fine with me.

+

(Scene cuts to George)

+

JANICE: I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, + however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last + for years and years. It's a shame

+

you're married..

+

GEORGE: (Frantically tries to take the ring off) I'm not. It's + just a sociological experiment!

+

JANICE: Please.. (Walks away)

+

(Jerry walks over to George)

+

JERRY: You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a + chance to get out and I didn't take it. (Points to himself) This + is an idiot.

+

GEORGE: Is that right? (Showing him up) I just threw away a lifetime + of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison + Square Garden. So please,

+

a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!

+

ROXANNE: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners!

+

GEORGE: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

JERRY: (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep at all last night.. + I decided I have to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. That's + all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are you

+

listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide + right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you + back after I talk to her. Bye.

+

KRAMER: Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool.

+

JERRY: What? What's cool?

+

KRAMER: Elaine.

+

JERRY: What are you talking about?

+

KRAMER: I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars + for the apartment.

+

JERRY: You what?! Get out! Ten thousand?

+

KRAMER: (Nods) Cash.

+

JERRY: Who would pay that much?

+

KRAMER: He's in the music business.

+

JERRY: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Hugs Kramer, + then grabs him by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! + I think I'm in the clear

+

here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She + has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden!

+

KRAMER: Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is + coming through the walls)

+

ELAINE: Wow. You're right. That is loud.

+

JERRY: It's just unbelievable.

+

ELAINE: They rehearse all the time?

+

JERRY: All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse + to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. + I'm heading for breakdown! (To Harold)

+

Can't you do something?

+

HAROLD: I'm not going up. It stinks up there.

+

JERRY: Manny..

+

MANNY: (In Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven o' clock.

+

HAROLD: I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. He makes up his + own rules.

+

ELAINE: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep + out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.

+

(Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: (Talking about the music) Oh, I love the one they do right + after this one!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, + like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can + you knock on someone's door

+

and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole + self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening + to me? Can I do this? Am I a

+

shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going + on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... shhh... + shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause

+

nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. + "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." + Some people you can't shush in a movie

+

theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. + They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing + them, and shushing them. They won't

+

shush. They're the unshushables.

+

 

+

END OF SHOW.

+

+ + + +

+ + + + +
+

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The Apology

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+

Transcribed by: + Ivy (see below)
+
+ Jerry, [tapping the spatula while waiting for waffles to be done]: + "Any
+ second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready."
+ Melissa, [appearing in the kitchen stark naked]: "Oh, fantastic! + I'm
+ starving."
+ Jerry, [looking at her]: "How about that."
+ Melissa, [eating the waffles]: "Mmm-hmm."
+
+
+ George: "She ate breakfast naked?"
+ Jerry: "She didn't even want a napkin."
+ George: "I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom + naked... I
+ have never had living-room naked."
+ Jerry: "Oh, it's a scene."
+ George: "It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did + she, uh, did she
+ frolic?"
+ Jerry: "I don't really have enough room."
+ George, [seeing Elaine and Puddy come into Monk's]: "Yeah. + Hey, Lainie,
+ Puddy."
+ Elaine: "Hey!"
+ Puddy: "Hi."
+ Jerry: "Hey."
+ Puddy, [heading towards the bathroom]: "I got to make a pit + stop."
+ Elaine, [sitting down in the booth]: "'Kay."
+ Jerry: "Back together?"
+ Elaine: "His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd + give it
+ another shot."
+ Jerry: "Ah..."
+ Elaine: "So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanke."
+ George: "'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?"
+ Elaine: "He called to apologize for standing me up five years + ago."
+ Jerry: "Why now?"
+ Elaine: "A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. Step number Nine + is you have to
+ apologize to anyone you've ever wronged."
+ George: "Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling + back to me."
+ Jerry: "Still with the neck hole?"
+ George: "Still upset. Very upset."
+ Elaine: "What neck hole?"
+ George: "Remember that New Year's party he threw a few years + ago? He had that
+ very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue."
+ Elaine, becoming board: "Faster."
+ George: "I asked if I could borrow a sweater."
+ Jerry: "A cashmere sweater."
+ George: "I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. So in front + of the whole
+ party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole.'"
+ Elaine: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
+ George: "Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did!"
+ Elaine: "Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or + is it 'cause of
+ your neck?"
+ Jerry: "No, I think the head does most of the stretching."
+ George: "Regardless. I had to walk around for the rest of the + party in some
+ cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time."
+ Elaine: "I really think it's the size of your neck."
+ George: "It's my head!"
+ Elaine: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
+
+ Elaine: "Hey."
+ Peggy: "Hey."
+ Elaine: "Isn't this great? With those nerds in accounting moved, + you and I
+ are the only ones who use this bathroom."
+ Peggy, somewhat sarcastically: "Yeah. Great."
+ [Elaine is surprised to see Peggy get a seat protector for the toilet]
+
+ Kramer: "You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, + I just wanted to
+ hop in the shower."
+ Jerry: "That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?"
+ Kramer: "Showering. How long does it take you?"
+ Jerry: "Ten minutes."
+ Kramer, [seeing Elaine come into Jerry's apartment]: "Ten minutes? + That's
+ kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?"
+ Elaine: "Ten minutes."
+ Kramer: "Let me smell you."
+ Elaine: "All right. Whiff away."
+ Kramer, [after delicately sniffing Elaine]: "Uh... that's not + bad at all."
+ Elaine, [holding Kramer off from getting another whiff]: "Hup! + That's it."
+ Kramer, [backing off]: "OK."
+ Elaine: "So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and + I see Peggy
+ using a seat protector."
+ Jerry: "So?"
+ Elaine: "So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're + like
+ roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?"
+ Jerry, [seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over]: + "I
+ think the damage is probably already done."
+ Jerry, [interrupting Kramer's inadequate attempt to clean up the + soda]: "All
+ right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene."
+ Elaine, [eyeing Jerry meticulously cleaning up the soda]: "Yeah, + you're
+ probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks."
+ Jerry: "Mmm."
+ Kramer: "Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some + changes. Get
+ wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- + focus!"
+
+ Jerry, [playing Scrabble with his naked girlfriend]: "Zephyr? + That is not a
+ word."
+ Melissa: "Do you challenge?"
+ Jerry: "No, I do not challenge."
+ Melissa: "66 points. Ha ha."
+ Jerry: "I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where + you'd hide the
+ tiles."
+ Melissa: "You want some more ice tea?"
+ Jerry: "Sure."
+ Melissa, [coughing loudly, while Jerry's expression turns to disgust]: + "Wrong
+ pipe."
+
+ George, [at Monk's with Jerry]: "So she coughed."
+ Jerry: "Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man."
+ George: "Everything goes with naked."
+ Jerry: "When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles + that suddenly
+ spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball + in his
+ stomach in slow motion."
+ George: "Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much + mental energy I
+ expend just trying to picture women naked?"
+ Jerry: "But the thing you don't realize is that there's good + naked and bad
+ naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's + Hanke."
+ George: "All right. It's grovel time."
+ Hanke: "Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just got sober, so I've + been going
+ through the Twelve Steps."
+ George: "What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?"
+ Hanke: "Yeah. Making amends."
+ George: "Important step. Maybe the most important."
+ Hanke: "Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, + you know, when
+ we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even + have
+ called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, + but I
+ always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry."
+ Jerry: "Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying + it."
+ Hanke: [eyeing George, who's looking expectedly up at him]: "Great. + Great.
+ Well, I'll see you guys later."
+
+ Kramer, [entering Jerry's apartment]: "Well, I just got out + of a 27-minute
+ shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. + Yeah, I
+ think what I kept is even stronger now."
+ Jerry, [pointing to Kramer's hair]: "You got some suds over + here."
+ + Kramer, [noticing suds all over his clothes and body]: "Wha...? + Oh, man!
+ Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what + I'm doing
+ wrong."
+ Jerry: "Oh, come on!"
+ Kramer: "No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!"
+ Jerry: "You promise you'll never come in here again?"
+ Kramer, [chuckling]: "Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that."
+
+ Jerry, [standing in the bathtub]: "Now my sense of it is that + you're probably
+ wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another."
+ Kramer: "Well, that's how cats do it."
+ Jerry: "But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you + want to use
+ gravity."
+ Kramer: "OK. Let's turn the water on now. "
+ Jerry: "No, I told you, it's just a dry run."
+ George, [entering Jerry's bathroom]: "Well, Hanke's moved on + to Step Ten. He
+ was spotted taking personal inventory."
+ Jerry: "That's Step Ten?"
+ George: "All he has to do now is count his blessings, say a + prayer, and he's
+ done. Do you believe this?"
+ Kramer: "Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit?"
+ Jerry: "You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer."
+ Kramer: "Well, this has all been one big tease!"
+
+ Elaine, [moving Peggy's water to make room for paper on the desk]: + "These
+ proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this + will work."
+ Peggy, [having seen Elaine touch her nearly full water bottle]: + "I'm... gonna
+ get another bottle of water."
+ Walter,[ taking a final swig from his own water bottle]: "Here, + take mine.
+ There's a little left."
+ Peggy, [gulping down Walter's water]: "Oh, thanks, Walter. + Ahh!"
+
+ Hanke, [talking with two men in Monk's]: "Guys, there's no + doubt that the pay
+ is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice + cream."
+ Man #1: "You get pretty buff forearms."
+ Hanke: "I don't know if I'm into that."
+ George, [entering Monk's]: "Oh, hello, Hanke, others."
+ Hanke: "George."
+ George: "You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't help notice, I... + I didn't get my
+ apology."
+ Hanke: "Apology? For what?"
+ George: "A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless friend? A ball-game + giveaway
+ Metlife windbreaker?"
+ Hanke: "George, come on, not that neck hole thing."
+ George: "Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would appreciate + it if you would
+ say you're sorry."
+ Hanke: "No way, you would've completely stretched it out."
+ George: "You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step Nine! + Step Nine."
+ Hanke: "All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, + very sorry. I'm so
+ sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to + find its way
+ through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater."
+
+ Kramer, [taking notes on showering men at the YMCA]: "Now see, + that's smart.
+ Constant motion. Wow."
+ Man in Shower, [seeing Kramer staring at the showering man]: "Hey!"
+ Kramer: "Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, too. But this + guy's really
+ showing me something!"
+ Kramer, [walking into Jerry's apartment with a fresh black eye]: + "You got a
+ steak?"
+ Jerry: "What happened to you?"
+ Kramer: "Ah, people in this city are crazy."
+ Jerry, [giving him a steak from the fridge]: "Here ya go."
+ Kramer, [applying the steak to his eye]: "Thanks, buddy. Oh... + yes! Hey, you
+ got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak."
+ Jerry: "What?"
+ Kramer: "Yeah, a different one."
+ Jerry, [closing the door on him]: "Oh!"
+ Kramer: "Jerry!"
+
+ Melissa, [wheeling out Jerry's bicycle]: "OK, Jerry. I fixed + that bike."
+ Jerry: "Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. + It's just for
+ show."
+ Melissa, [crouching down next to the bike]: "I should really + clean those
+ bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk."
+ Jerry: "Please don't crouch."
+ Melissa: "Ouch! Caught my skin."
+ Jerry: "Oh, that's bad. Especially that area."
+ Melissa: "You got anything to snack on?"
+ Jerry: "Uhh..."
+ Melissa, [grabbing the pickle jar and straining to open it]: "Oh, + pickles!
+ Unnhhhh! It's a tough one."
+ Jerry: "Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!"
+ Melissa, [finally opening the jar]: "Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna + leave a welt.
+ Look at that."
+ Jerry, [leaving the room]: "I can't. I can't look anymore. + I-I-I've seen too
+ much."
+
+ Elaine: "Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it about me that + you find so
+ offensive?"
+ Peggy: "You seem to be with a lot of men."
+ Elaine: "What!? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You + know, I mean,
+ we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here + or... or
+ there, but, wh-why is this your business?"
+ Peggy: "It's not. Good day."
+ Elaine, [leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her + butt,
+ sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob]: + "Oh. All
+ right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about + some for
+ your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? + That's good,
+ isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy."
+
+ Jerry: "Well, technically he did apologize."
+ George: "Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible + sketch. He was
+ riffing! Riffing! On my pain!"
+ Jerry: "So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the + original
+ apology?"
+ George: "That's right. I'm two in the hole!"
+ Jerry: "Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She + did a full body
+ flex on a pickle jar."
+ George: "Did you explain to her about the good naked and the + bad naked?"
+ Jerry: "Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?"
+ George: "Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You + still got that
+ belt sander?"
+ Jerry: "Yeah."
+ George, [going into the bathroom]: "Well, you on all fours, + that thing
+ vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!"
+ Jerry, [answering the ringing phone]: "Hello?"
+ Kramer: "Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from!"
+ Jerry: "World War I plane?"
+ Kramer: "No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to + get out of the
+ shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where + I want to
+ be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and + now I
+ ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew."
+ Jerry: "When are ya gettin' out?"
+ Kramer: "I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy."
+
+ Peterman: "Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick."
+ Elaine: "Oh, please."
+ Peterman: "She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering from intense + malaise."
+ Elaine: "Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right?"
+ Peterman: "I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed."
+ Elaine: "Yeah, let me tell you something: this is all in her + mind, OK? She is
+ insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, + rubbed
+ her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, + she's a
+ wacko."
+
+ George, [at Monk's]: "So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?"
+ Sponsor: "Sponsor."
+ George: "Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy."
+ Sponsor: "He's doing very well. He's already on to Step Ten."
+ George: "Yeah, well when you don't actually do the steps, you + can go through
+ them pretty quick. You can get through six a day."
+ Sponsor: "Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason?"
+ George: "I don't know. A little thing called Step Nine? Instead + of an
+ apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me."
+ Sponsor: "I'm not sure what you want me to do."
+ George: "Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let + him move up!
+ When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three + years 'cause
+ + I kept losing the Pinewood Derby."
+ Sponsor: "You're quite upset, George."
+ George: "Well, I think you should drop him down to Step Two."
+ Sponsor: "Admit there's a higher power?"
+ George: "Yeah, let him chew on that for a while."
+ Sponer: "You know George, I think I can help you. We're having + a meeting
+ tomorrow. Why don't you just come by?"
+ George: "All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much."
+ George, [giving the sponsor the 'be strong' hand clench]: "By + the way, my
+ uncle was an alcoholic, so..."
+
+ Kramer, [on the phone in the shower]: "Lomez, you're not listenin'. + Jerry
+ likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's naked. + Calm
+ down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog, + I'll call
+ ya back."
+
+ Melissa, [naked on the couch]: "What are you doing?"
+ Jerry, [naked, carrying a belt sander]: "I found a rough spot + on the kitchen
+ floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here."
+ Melissa: "No, not that. Why are you naked?"
+ Jerry: "I thought naked is good."
+ Melissa, [eyeing him]: "This isn't good naked."
+
+ Sponsor, [seeing George at the meeting]: "George, here, have + a seat."
+ George, [sitting down]: "Where's Hanke?"
+ Sponsor, [motioning to the leader]: "Shhhhh."
+ Leader: "OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous."
+ George: "What? Rate-aholics?"
+ Sponsor: "George, this can help you."
+ George: "Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge."
+ Leader: "Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy at these + meetings."
+ George: "Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? Am I?!"
+ Leader: "Please don't call me 'Pinhead'."
+ George: "I'm losin' it!"
+
+ Jerry, [in Monk's with George]: "He took you to Rage-aholics? + Why?"
+ George: "Probably because this whole Universe is against me!"
+ Jerry: "You've got a little rage."
+ George: "I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes + me so mad!"
+ Jerry: "By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work."
+ George: "This bread has nuts in it!"
+ Jerry, [seeing Elaine enter Monk's]: "Oh, great. Elaine. What + is wrong with
+ my body?"
+ Elaine: "Chicken wing shoulder blades."
+ Jerry: "That's it?"
+ Elaine: "No, but that's one problem. Why?"
+ Jerry: "Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa + the other day--"
+ Elaine: "Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good + look for a
+ man."
+ George: "Why not? It's a good look for a woman."
+ Elaine: "Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male + body is
+ utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep."
+ Jerry: "So you don't think it's attractive?"
+ Elaine: "It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's + simian."
+ George: "Well, some women like it."
+ Elaine: "Hmm. Sickies."
+
+ Kramer, [in the shower, reading an instruction manual]: "Installing + your
+ Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage + lot.
+ Oh, come on, Clarkman."
+ Puddy, [staring into space, picks up the phone]: "Puddy."
+ Kramer: "Is, uh, David Puddy there?"
+ Puddy: "This is Puddy."
+ Kramer: "Well, this is Kramer."
+ Puddy: "I know."
+ Kramer: "Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install + a garbage
+ disposal?"
+ Puddy: "Well, it's a big job. You've got to dismantle the latch + hasp from the
+ auxiliary drainage line."
+ Kramer: "No. It says 'main line'."
+ Puddy: "It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman?"
+ Kramer: "Yeah."
+ Puddy, seeing Elaine come in: "Hey, man, I'll call you back. + I'll talk you
+ through it."
+ Kramer: "Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy."
+
+ Elaine: "Hey, Puddy."
+ Puddy: "Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe five bucks for + a balloon
+ bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when + you see him."
+ Elaine: "Balloon bouquet? For who?"
+ Puddy: "Peggy took a turn for the worst."
+ Elaine: "Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still blaming me?"
+ Puddy: "That's what he said."
+ Elaine: "I don't believe this woman."
+ Puddy: "Talk to me, Babe."
+ Elaine: "She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs + make her sick."
+ Puddy: "Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's about."
+ Elaine: "Huh?"
+ Puddy, showing her his necklace: "I'm a recovering germ-o-phobe. + Ten years."
+ Elaine: "What is this symbol?"
+ Puddy: "It's a germ."
+
+ Peggy: "Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man you're + currently
+ sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have + any problem
+ with germs."
+ Puddy: "Don't you? Elaine."
+ [Elaine slowly creeps up towards Peggy]
+ Peggy, flinching away: "Please!"
+ Puddy: "I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago + waking up in
+ bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the Phisohex."
+ Peggy: "Really?"
+ Puddy: "I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old + bedroom slippers
+ she slogs around in."
+ Elaine: "Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies."
+ Puddy: "They're bacteria traps."
+ Peggy: "So you... just learned to live with it?"
+ Puddy: "For the most part."
+ Elaine: "OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day."
+
+ Jerry: "So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't + you feel this is
+ better?"
+ Melissa: "This is nice."
+ Jerry: "Yes, clothes. This is normal."
+ Melissa: "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking + that we could go
+ down..."
+ [as Melissa continues to talk, Jerry starts imagining her gorgeously + naked,
+ and stops paying attention]
+ Melissa: "Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me?"
+ Jerry: "Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry."
+ Melissa: "I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow."
+ Jerry: "Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a..."
+ [as Jerry continues to talk, Melissa starts imagining him disgustingly,
+ 'neanderthalishly' naked, and stops paying attention]
+
+ Kramer, [in the shower, on the phone with Jerry]: "So you broke + up?"
+ Jerry: "We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying + to picture her
+ naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked."
+ Kramer: "Hang on."
+ [Kramer uses his shower garbage disposal to unclog the tub]
+ Jerry: "So what are you up to?"
+ Kramer: "Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. + Hey, how do you
+ make those radish roses?"
+ Jerry: "Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to + make it bloom,
+ soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes."
+ Kramer: "No problem there."
+
+ Hanke, [working at a Baskin Robbins]: "George. Thanks for coming + down to talk
+ to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't + very
+ flexible. I just started yesterday."
+ George: "Well, I'm here. What is it?"
+ Hanke: "Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I've thought + it over, and, you
+ know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and + you deserve
+ much better."
+ George, ready to leave: "Well, thank you."
+ Hanke: "You're welcome."
+ Kid, [entering the store]: "Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint?"
+ Hanke: "Waffle or sugar cone?"
+ George: "Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't want to get + into a big thing
+ here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was + actually an
+ apology."
+ Hanke: "What?"
+ Kid: "Can you get on that cone?"
+ Hanke: "Would you hang on just a second, son? George, what + are you talking
+ about?"
+ George: "Well, it's just, all you said was 'your welcome', + which is nice.
+ It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology."
+ Kid: "Is there anybody else here but you?"
+ + Hanke: "I'm alone, and it's my second day. You know, I don't + even think we
+ have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know, I-I + admitted I
+ was wrong, so what more do you want from me?"
+ George: "I would like an apology."
+ Hanke: "All right, look, you know--"
+ Kid #2, [entering the store]: "Did you try it?"
+ Kid: "No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing."
+ Hanke: "Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting with someone + here, if
+ you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry."
+ George: "Baah! There it is! You just said it! That's what I + want! Now say it
+ again, and tell it to me."
+ Hanke: "I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was + never sorry. It
+ was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is + it? Can't
+ find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What + are you
+ looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get out!"
+
+ Elaine, [eating dinner with Kramer, Elaine, and Puddy]: "Mmm. + This food is
+ fantastic, Peggy: And what a pretty radish rose, huh?"
+ Kramer: "Well, thank you."
+ Elaine: "Here's to Peggy, on her first week of being germ-free, + free."
+ [all four make toast]
+ Kramer: "Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install + a much needed
+ and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub."
+ [all four make another toast]
+ Peggy: "You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?"
+ Kramer: "Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made + this whole meal in
+ there."
+ Elaine: "This food was in the shower with you?"
+ Kramer: "Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed."
+ [Peggy, Elaine, and Puddy all gag and wretch]
+ Puddy: "Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!"
+
+ George: "Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?"
+ Puddy, waiting with Elaine and Peggy: "No, germ-o-phobes."
+ George: "Thanks. What are you guys doin' here?"
+ Elaine: "Kramer."
+ George: "Right."
+ Download Sound
+
+ Hanke, [speaking in front of other Rage-aholics]: "Hi, I'm, + uh, Jason. I'm a
+ rage-aholic."
+ Audience: "Hi, Jason."
+ Hanke: "Uh, this is my first meeting."
+ George: "Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! He skips + Step Nine!"
+ Hanke: "Please. Step Nine."
+ George: "That's right! He never apologized to me for saying + that I would
+ stretch out the neck hole of his sweater."
+ [audience laughs]
+ George: "It wasn't funny."
+ Hanke: "It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, + not to mention
+ the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with + a v-neck."
+ George: "He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm losin' it!"
+ END
+
+
+
+ Generously donated by: Ivy,     Ivy's + Seinfeld Page
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheBabyShower.htm b/TheBabyShower.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c434b87 --- /dev/null +++ b/TheBabyShower.htm @@ -0,0 +1,745 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Baby Shower + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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+ +
+

The Baby Shower

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

 

+ + Written by: Larry David

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

Broadcasted: May 16, 1991 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Christine Dunford (as + Leslie).

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. + Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know + what the hell they're watching.

+

You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. + " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I + gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't + know what it

+

was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I + gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will + stop and go, "Well, let me see what the

+

show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. + Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch + TV differently. Before

+

there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and + emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell + them stories 'cause that was their

+

entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, + like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. + Just go, "Alright start telling me a story,

+

what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to + the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that + story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next

+

guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. + No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear + that. No, the all of you, get out of

+

here. I'm going to bed."

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

GEORGE: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, + there is no justice.

+

JERRY: She's the performance artist, right?

+

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. + A real trooper.

+

JERRY: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?

+

ELAINE: Todd.

+

JERRY: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.

+

ELAINE: No, he's not.

+

JERRY: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.

+

ELAINE: By marriage.

+

JERRY: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You + should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame + the whole thing on

+

bad directions.

+

GEORGE: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.

+

ELAINE: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, + intelligent woman.

+

GEORGE: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent + women?

+

JERRY: Thin ice, George. Thin ice..

+

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll + give birth on stage.

+

ELAINE: She stopped performing.

+

GEORGE: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.

+

JERRY: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge + like Khomeini.

+

GEORGE: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront + in Brooklin to see one of her "performances".

+

JERRY: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?

+

GEORGE: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, + and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup + all over my new red

+

shirt.

+

ELAINE: It was an accident!

+

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at + me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, + I'm sitting there with chocolate all

+

over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing + all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, + backstage when I talk to her, I'm a

+

groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw + any other foods?"

+

JERRY: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.

+

GEORGE: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never + even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. + Nothing. Like I

+

was dirt.

+

JERRY: What ever happened with the shirt?

+

GEORGE: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.

+

ELAINE: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her + a baby shower.

+

JERRY: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?

+

ELAINE: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying + no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.

+

GEORGE: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.

+

JERRY: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for + me.

+

GEORGE: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.

+

ELAINE: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody + make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! + Who cares?! It's

+

all so boring..

+

GEORGE: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby + monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!

+

ELAINE: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though.

+

GEORGE: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.

+

ELAINE: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..

+

JERRY: But?

+

ELAINE: My roommate has Lyme disease.

+

JERRY: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?

+

ELAINE: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr + with a twist of Lyme disease.

+

JERRY: How did she get Lyme disease?

+

ELAINE: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, + Connecticut.

+

JERRY: They still do that play?

+

ELAINE: It's a classic.

+

JERRY: With all the nudity?

+

ELAINE: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.

+

GEORGE: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!

+

JERRY: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

+

ELAINE: What do you wanna know?

+

JERRY: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of + violence?

+

ELAINE: Rarely.

+

JERRY: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?

+

ELAINE: No.

+

JERRY: When is this suppose to be?

+

ELAINE: Saturday.

+

JERRY: Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. + They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?

+

ELAINE: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.

+

JERRY: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes + misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! + And entire buffet is swept off

+

the table.

+

GEORGE: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that + woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive + myself until I do.

+

JERRY: And if you do?

+

GEORGE: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least + it won't be about this.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials + as Kramer looks over his shoulder)

+

KRAMER: What are you doing this for? Look at you..

+

JERRY: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.

+

KRAMER: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my + house.

+

JERRY: (Pleading) Leave me alone.

+

KRAMER: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live + like this?!

+

JERRY: I'm not getting illegal cable!

+

KRAMER: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable + companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for + years.

+

JERRY: No, I read in the paper..

+

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..

+

JERRY: Well, they might hook us up again.

+

KRAMER: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care + about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look + at you! You're banging things..

+

Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels + - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!

+

JERRY: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.

+

KRAMER: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're + saying?!

+

JERRY: What you're suggesting is illegal.

+

KRAMER: It's not illegal.

+

JERRY: It's against the law.

+

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

+

JERRY: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can + you hold that?

+

KRAMER: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me + bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. + He escaped the Gulag. He's

+

like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. + He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.

+

JERRY: A real human rights nut, huh?

+

KRAMER: Yeah. He's intense, man.

+

JERRY: I don't know. What if I get caught?

+ +

KRAMER: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. + Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get + him.

+

(Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then + returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant. + Tabachnick mumbles,

+

shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks + confused)

+

JERRY: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town + tomarrow.

+

TABACHNICK: Tomarrow okay.

+

KRAMER: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed + by the time you get back.

+

JERRY: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens + are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know + it..

+

KRAMER: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. + The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..

+

JERRY: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in.

+

KRAMER: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs + his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with + a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's

+

gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting + for him)

+

MAN: Mr. Steinfeld?

+

JERRY: Seinfeld.

+

MAN: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?

+

JERRY: My cable hook-up? What about it?

+

MAN: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.

+

JERRY: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?

+

(An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room)

+

KRAMER: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They + were onto the scam from the very beginning.

+

MAN: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.

+

JERRY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. + We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about + the Russian guy? The Russian

+

guy is the guy you want.

+

(Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other + FBI men, and speaks without an accent now)

+

TABACHNICK: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.

+

(Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the + door)

+

KRAMER: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down + by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, + cupping Jerry's head in his

+

hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable + boy?..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Airplane]

+

(Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches)

+

JERRY: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?

+

STEWARDESS: I'm afraid not.

+

JERRY: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the + drinks now?

+

STEWARDESS: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten + your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?

+

(The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand)

+

BILL: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear + of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying + is quite rational because, human

+

beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have + fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This + isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I

+

don't belong here."

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: George's car]

+

(George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater + with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun)

+

GEORGE: Sounds like a rough trip.

+

JERRY: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, + when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.

+

GEORGE: So, the college cancelled the gig?

+

JERRY: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really + appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again.

+

GEORGE: (Modestly) Forget it.

+

JERRY: No, really.. an airport run.

+

GEORGE: It's nothing.

+

JERRY: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me + a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. + Jerry doesn't suspect anything -

+

yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes + you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.

+

JERRY: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, + you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.

+

GEORGE: (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.

+

JERRY: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. + Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the + shower.

+

GEORGE: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? + Now?

+ +

JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big + deal. We'll just go back to your place.

+

GEORGE: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go + back to my place.

+

JERRY: You want to get a bite?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole + pot roast.

+

JERRY: Well, so what should we do?

+

GEORGE: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?

+

(Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then + reaches over and pulls the sweater down)

+

JERRY: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!

+

GEORGE: (Nervous) What are you talking about?

+

JERRY: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!

+

GEORGE: I am? What a strange coincidence..

+

JERRY: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty + early in the morning..

+

GEORGE: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.

+

JERRY: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own + baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse + it in club soda?

+

GEORGE: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the + scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and + I'm gonna say, "Remember this

+

shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine)

+

LESLIE: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard + Goetz's mother used to live there.

+

ELAINE: So, where's Todd?

+

LESLIE: Up in Hyannisport.

+

ELAINE: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is + up there? Is Rose up there?!

+

WOMAN: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?

+

LESLIE: March twentieth, nine a.m.

+

WOMAN: You know the time!

+

LESLIE: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if + I go through labor, I might get psychotic.

+

ELAINE: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is + he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is + he out of the loop?

+

LESLIE: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears?

+

(Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his + assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. + The woman freeze at the sight,

+

then disperse nervously)

+

ELAINE: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing + here?

+

KRAMER: We're putting in cable.

+

ELAINE: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't + do this now!

+

KRAMER: Oh, we have to do this now.

+

(Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women)

+

ELAINE: Who's this guy?

+

KRAMER: Which one?

+

ELAINE: Both of the them.

+

KRAMER: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.

+

ELAINE: Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?

+

KRAMER: Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.

+

ELAINE: You can't! You can't do this now!

+

KRAMER: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if + I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. + He won't like that.

+

ELAINE: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out.

+

KRAMER: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work + on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, + you and the gals can take a

+

load off and watch something on Lifetime.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: George's car]

+

JERRY: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to + her?

+

GEORGE: (Boiling) What am I going to say?!

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

GEORGE: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate + on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that + kind of treatment! What,

+

you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! + You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and + ignored?! Who's shirt can be

+

ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist + who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have + some sort of disease?! You have

+

the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich + and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust + me! You and everyone like

+

you!

+

JERRY: You'll never say that to her face.

+

GEORGE: Watch me.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

KRAMER: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. + The core, stem, seeds, everything.

+

ELAINE: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) + Look! He's eating all the food!

+

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences + between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, + in Russian, the cable guy,

+

they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns + back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?

+ +

(Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting)

+

ELAINE: Kramer!

+

KRAMER: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me..

+

(Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick + walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick + bangs on the door, and

+

shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into + the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine + runs up to greet them)

+

ELAINE: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town + for the weekend.

+

JERRY: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.

+

ELAINE: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable + in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.

+

(Leslie approaches them)

+

LESLIE: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town.

+

JERRY: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less + travelled for a reason.

+

ELAINE: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even + think about it! Don't even dream about it!

+

GEORGE: (Unconvincingly coy) About what?

+

TABACHNICK: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer..

+

(Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick + joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie + - he takes off his sweater,

+

revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie)

+

GEORGE: Leslie.

+

LESLIE: Yeah?

+

GEORGE: George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza.

+

LESLIE: Hi.

+

GEORGE: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, + kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember?

+

LESLIE: Vaguely.

+

GEORGE: You took me to one of your shows..

+

LESLIE: And?

+

GEORGE: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated + me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents + felt I had talent..

+

(Scene cuts to Jerry)

+

MARY: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks + confused) Remember me?

+

JERRY: I'm sorry, I..

+

MARY: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We + had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.

+

JERRY: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..

+

MARY: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next + day.

+

JERRY: Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your..

+

MARY: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought + you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into + me again! But you were wrong,

+

Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, + pathetic wretch?!

+

JERRY: No, I don't think that..

+

MARRY: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant + piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and + your

+

attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and + my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!

+

(She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms + out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death)

+

GEORGE: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd + be better suited for improvs, or something..

+

(Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate + cake is now all over George's shirt)

+

LESLIE: Thanks a lot!

+

(Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few + women who are rushing out the door)

+

ELAINE: I'm sorry you have to go.

+

WOMAN: Yeah. I really have to be going.

+

(Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys)

+

JERRY: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. + I don't want cable.

+

KRAMER: Don't be a fool.

+

TABACHNICK: You don't want?

+

JERRY: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your + trouble..

+

TABACHNICK: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.

+

JERRY: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!

+

(Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and + is ready to leave)

+

LESLIE: I'm going.. obviously.

+

ELAINE: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on + here tonight. You know, I had no idea..

+

LESLIE: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized + something. You're just like you were in college.

+

ELAINE: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank + you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like + you were in college"?

+

LESLIE: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) + Come on! Let's go!

+

(George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts + - embarrassed)

+

GEORGE: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)

+

JERRY: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't + even want the thing. What are you going to do?!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on + chairs)

+

GEORGE: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control + of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony?

+

ELAINE: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. + I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.

+

JERRY: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who + takes that literally?

+

KRAMER: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, + Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't + want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What + do you say? What do you

+

say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. + See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around + that area. You'll be around other

+

people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take + care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care + now. Take care, now. Because, I'm

+

not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." + "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take + off!" Isn't that what you really want to say?

+

"Take off now."

+

END OF SHOW.

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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The Barber

+ +

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+ + Episode 72

+

Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff

+

Cast:

+

Jerry Seinfeld - Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)

+

George Castanza - Jason Alexander

+

Elaine Benes - Julia Louis-Drefus

+

Kramer - Michael Richards

+

Guest Stars:

+

Enzo - Anthony Ponzini

+

Gino - David Ciminello

+

Mr. Pensky - Michael Fairman

+

Mr. Tuttle - Jack Shearer

+

Mike - Kenny Myles

+

Clarisse - Peggy Maltby

+

Customer - David Richardson

+

----------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Mr. Tuttle: Well George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves + as a fairly progressive company. We

+

have a small but prestigious group of clients.

+

George: Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious.

+

Mr. Tuttle: That's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like + I, like I don't have to explain every little

+

thing to you. You understand everything immediately.

+

George: I enjoy understanding.

+

Mr. Tuttle: I want you to have this job. Of course...

+

Secretary: Mr. Zimmer is on line 2.

+

Mr. Tuttle: Thanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really + glad that you came in.

+

(commercial)

+

At Monk's

+

George: I want you to have this job. Of course...

+

Jerry: Yeah?

+

George: That's it.

+

Jerry: What do you mean that's it?

+

George: He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was + the end of the interview.

+

Jerry: "Of course" was the last thing he said?

+

George: Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check + with my associates."

+

Elaine: "I want you to have this job, of course the Board + of Directors is under indictment and will be

+

serving time."

+

Jerry: "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a + prerequisite."

+

George: All right.

+

Elaine: Why don't you go ahead and call him?

+

George: Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything + immediately. That's what

+

impressed him.

+

Jerry: So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose + the job.

+

George: And if I don't call...

+

Jerry: You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind + of company is it?

+

George: Rest stop supply.

+

Kramer comes in and sits down.

+

Kramer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey.

+

Jerry: Shower?

+

Kramer: Haircut.

+

Jerry: Who'd you use? Gino?

+

Kramer: Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair.

+

Elaine: What butcher?

+

Kramer: The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses.

+

Jerry: Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. + I'd hurt his feelings.

+

Elaine: You never get good haircuts.

+

Kramer: You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's + there all by himself.

+

Jerry: Really?

+

Elaine: Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one + to look good for my bachelor

+

auction.

+

Kramer: What bachelor auction?

+

Elaine: Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors + for charity.

+

Kramer: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money + to cure polio.

+

Jerry: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.

+

Kramer: Polio?

+

Elaine: Will you go ahead? You need a haircut.

+

Jerry: Okay.

+

Kramer: What are you all dressed up for?

+

George: I had a job interview.

+

Kramer: Yeah. How'd it go?

+

George: Good. Of course...

+

At the barber shop

+

Enzo: Oh Jerry.

+

Jerry: Oh hi Enzo.

+

Enzo: Oh, you've come for the haircut.

+

Jerry: No, actually I was just...

+

Enzo: It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're + my favorite customer. You've been

+

with me for so long. You're so loyal.

+

Jerry: Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave)

+

Enzo: (He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to + get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference.

+

It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special + for you.

+

Jerry: Well I don't want to take too much off.

+

Enzo: Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair.

+

Man: Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best + haircut I've ever had.

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut. He + is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are

+

looking in disbelief at the haircut.

+

George: He massacred you. You look like you're five years old.

+

Jerry: What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.

+

George: You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this + relationship.

+

Jerry: I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. + Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd

+

have to pass him every day when I go by.

+

George: You gotta do it.

+

Jerry: I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.

+

Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut.

+

Kramer: No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.

+

Jerry: He did the job. You told me he wasn't going to be there.

+

Kramer: So what?

+

Jerry: I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

+

Kramer: His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying + yourself. I'm not going to let

+

you. If you don't call him I will.

+

Jerry: No Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that.

+

Kramer: I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're + going to get that haircut fixed up.

+

Jerry: I don't want you to call him.

+

Kramer: All right, geez. You're crazy.

+

Kramer leaves.

+

George: So I still haven't heard about that job.

+

Jerry: Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about + that?

+

George: I have an idea.

+

Jerry: Yeah?

+

George: I show up.

+

Jerry: What do you mean you show up?

+

George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. + If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't

+

have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.

+

Jerry: Hmm. Not bad.

+

George: What's the worst thing that could happen?

+

Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a + large group of people and have to walk out

+

in shame with your tail between your legs.

+

George: Yeah, so?

+

At the office.

+

George: (to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. + Good morning. Hi nice to see

+

you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.

+

Secretary: How can I help you?

+

George: The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. + I was wondering if you could tell

+

me where my office is.

+

Secretary: I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. + He's starting here today.

+

Mike: Welcome aboard.

+

George: Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard.

+

Mike: I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.

+

George: Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start + his vacation.

+

Secretary: He wants to know where his office is.

+

Mike: Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down + the hall there and a small one over here.

+

You know I should ask Jack.

+

George: Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just + take the small office.

+

Mike: Really?

+

George: Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. + I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love

+

to be nestled.

+

Mike: All right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get + you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.

+

George: Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait + to sink my teeth into that. Wow that

+

Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out.

+

George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and coat + and sits down. He quickly flips through

+

the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud.

+ +

Camera shot at the clock on his wall. The clock says 9:00.

+

A moment later, the clock flips to 5:00.

+

George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase + and his coat and he walks out.

+

At Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap.

+

Jerry: So what did you do there all day?

+

George: They gave me the Pensky file.

+

Jerry: So it's a nice place to work?

+

George: You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers + are really taking to me.

+

*flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen)

+

George: (continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was + Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet

+

woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made + a toast.

+

*end flashback*

+

Jerry: What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?

+

George: He'll be back on Monday.

+

Elaine enters and sits down.

+

Jerry: Hi.

+

Elaine: Hi. How come you're wearing a hat?

+

Jerry: I got a haircut.

+

Elaine: Oh yeah? Can I see it?

+

Jerry: Oh there's nothing to see.

+

Elaine: Come on. Let me see it.

+

Jerry: Forget it.

+

Elaine: Come on.

+

Jerry: All right.

+

Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing. George + starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in

+

the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds his + fist on the table.

+

Elaine: (still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

+

Jerry: Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to + that bachelor auction.

+

Elaine: What? No Jerry, you have to go.

+

George: You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day.

+

Elaine: (dryly) Yeah, too bad.

+

At the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave.

+

Kramer: It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it.

+

Gino: Sure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. + He's a little crazy. I don't know what

+

he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So + I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the

+

best movie I've ever seen.

+

Enzo: Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have + hand like scissors, huh? Show me

+

one person who's got hand like scissors.

+

Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.

+

Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? + (yelling) What are you going to do

+

on the toilet?

+

Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

+

At Monk's.

+

Kramer: Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix + the haircut.

+

Elaine: Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction.

+

Jerry: Yeah, but how am I...

+

Kramer: No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock.

+

Elaine: Can he fix it?

+

Kramer: I don't know.

+

At Gino's apartment.

+

Gino: Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair.

+

Jerry: Thank you.

+

Gino: I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.

+

Jerry: Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.

+

Gino: I don't think uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is.

+

Jerry: That's nice of you to say.

+

The buzzer buzzes.

+

Gino: Just a second. Yes.

+

Enzo: (over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.

+

Gino: It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up.

+

"The Barber of Seville" music is playing.

+

Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks up + a broom and sweeps some hair into the next

+

room.

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Gino opens the door.

+

Gino: Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here?

+

Enzo: I've come to apologize.

+

Gino: Apologize?

+

Enzo: Yes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, + he make me cry.

+

Gino: He make me cry too. You want something to drink?

+

Enzo: Hey, what's all of this?

+

Gino: Nothing. It's just hair.

+

Enzo: You do haircut in the apartment?

+

Gino: No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald.

+

Enzo: It looks very familiar.

+

(commercial)

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Jerry: In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really + good.

+

Kramer: Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told you he could do it.

+

Jerry: Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor.

+

Kramer: Yeah, so?

+

Jerry: I think he knew.

+

Kramer: No. He doesn't know.

+

Jerry: Who do you know? He knows my hair.

+

Kramer: Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a + thing. Now come on. Pull yourself

+

together.

+

Jerry: Okay, okay.

+

Elaine enters.

+

Elaine: What happened? It looks the same.

+

Jerry: He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost + got caught.

+

Elaine: Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.

+

Jerry: Take the K-man.

+

Elaine: You can still go.

+

Kramer: What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.

+

Elaine: You think?

+

Kramer: Do I think? He's repugnant.

+

Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. + It doesn't work.

+

Elaine: What would you wear?

+

Kramer: Whatever it takes.

+

At the barber shop.

+

Enzo: See, now Newman is a good customer.

+

Newman: Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to + barber school. I always felt I had a talent

+

for it.

+

Enzo: Oh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal.

+

Newman: Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special.

+

Enzo: You know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like + the funny business.

+

Gino: I'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back.

+

Enzo: Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut?

+

Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.

+

Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.

+

Newman: What's the catch?

+

Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

+

Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* + free haircuts. And a comb.

+

At George's office.

+

George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping + his desk with pencils.

+

*buzz*

+

Secretary: (over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here + to see you.

+

George: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?

+

Pensky enters.

+

Pensky: Costanza? Arthur Pensky.

+

George: Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring + the contents of the file into this

+

flexible accordion-style folder.

+

Pensky: Where's Tuttle?

+

George: He's on vacation.

+

Pensky: He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me + my file. (looks through the file) Looks

+

like you put a lot of work into this.

+

George: Well you know in college they used to call me the little + bulldog.

+

Pensky: Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming + to work directly for me?

+

George: Really?

+

Pensky: You are aware...

+

*buzz*

+

Secretary: (over the speaker) Mr. Castanza?

+

George: Not now Florice.

+

Secretary: (speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing + his car.

+

Pensky: Damn this city.

+

Pensky leaves.

+

George: I am aware. I am aware.

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Gino: He knows. He knows about us.

+

Jerry: How do you know?

+

Gino: Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the + hair. He *staring* at the hair.

+

*knock knock knock*

+

Jerry: Who is it?

+

Newman: It's Newman.

+

Gino: He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here.

+

Jerry: All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go + out the fire escape.

+

Jerry opens the door.

+

Jerry: What do you want?

+

Newman: Can I use your bathroom?

+

Jerry: What's wrong with yours?

+

Newman: My toilet's clogged.

+

Jerry: You can't unclog it?

+

Newman: No.

+

Jerry: Did you ask Kramer?

+

Newman: He's out.

+

Jerry: Number one?

+

Newman: Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.

+

Jerry: All right. Flush twice.

+

He goes in the bathroom.

+

Newman: (thinking to himself) (checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) + Jackpot. I don't believe this.

+

There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't + have at least *one* hair in a brush.

+

(searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some + scissors) Ahh.

+

Jerry: You all right?

+

Newman: Yeah, yeah.

+

Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.

+

Newman: What are you doing?

+

Jerry: I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.

+ +

Newman: Oh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite movie.

+

Jerry: Yeah all right.

+

Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen. + Newman puts the scissors close up to

+

Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors.

+

Jerry: You want something to drink?

+

Newman: No.

+

Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows behind + Jerry closely. Newman puts the

+

scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides + the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman

+

confused.

+

Jerry: If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. + I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of

+

a barber.

+

Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair.

+

Newman: Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and + picks up the hair.)

+

Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused.

+

At the barber shop.

+

Enzo: Did you get it? Oh you done good Newman.

+

Newman: It was a cinch. Where are you going?

+

Enzo: Io volgio vandetta.

+

At the auction house.

+

Elaine: Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard + graduate.

+

Woman: A thousand.

+

Elaine: A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a + thousand three times, sold to the lucky

+

lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.

+

Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on + stage.

+

Elaine: Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's + uh, he's a high school graduate.

+

Kramer: Equivalent.

+

Elaine: Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. + He's uh, self-employed. He's...

+

I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, + and he just got uh, a haircut.

+

Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and + Kramer falls off.

+

Elaine: Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do + I hear, uh, five bucks?

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Jerry: I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be + like a super hero, like Green Lantern or

+

somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just + asking.

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Jerry: Who is it?

+

Enzo: (yelling) Enzo Manginero.

+

"Barber of Seville" music playing.

+

Jerry: Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling + to the door) One second.

+

Enzo: It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night.

+

Jerry: No I wasn't there.

+

Enzo: Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. + I match them up.

+

Jerry: Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I + was just dropping off a book.

+

Gino: Don't Jerry.

+

Enzo: So, it's true.

+

Gino: Yes it's true.

+

Enzo: I'm going to kill the both of you.

+

Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV + and becomes calm.

+

At the office.

+

George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him. + Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door.

+

George wakes up.

+

George: Mr. Tuttle, you're back.

+

Tuttle: George, I'm surprised to see you here.

+

George: You are?

+

Tuttle: I though you would have taken the large office.

+

George: Oh. Really.

+

Tuttle: I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's + that Pensky file? Let's see what

+

you've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have + you been doing all week?

+

George: Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace.

+

Tuttle: You haven't done anything with this.

+

George: Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.

+

Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.

+

George: You are aware that Pensky is interested in me.

+

Tuttle: (scoffs) You're not Pensky material.

+

George: Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle.

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. + They are both sobbing.

+

At the barber shop.

+

"Barber of Seville" music is playing.

+

Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving a + guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks

+

at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward + Newman. Newman is very frightened.

+

(commercial)

+

Pensky: Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. + What is was going to say was, now you

+

are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself + included, and we're prohibited from doing

+

business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we + would have no use for you.

+

George: Obviously.

+

*buzz*

+

Pensky: Yes.

+

Secretary: (over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car + is being towed.

+

George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville" + plays.

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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The Beard

+ +

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+ + Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff

+

 

+

Episode 102

+

Cast:

+

Jerry Seinfeld - Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)

+

George Castanza - Jason Alexander

+

Elaine Benes - Julia Louis-Dreyfus

+

Kramer - Michael Richards

+

Guest Stars:

+

Robert - Robert Mailhouse

+

Cathy - Katherine LaNasa

+

Homeless Man - Jonathan Gries

+

Mr. Stevenson - Ed Winter

+

Mrs. Stevenson - Georgann Johnson

+

Denise - Joan Elizabeth

+

Gus - John F. O'Donohue

+

Lou - Jerry Diner

+

Officer #1 - Mirron E. Willis

+

Officer #2 - Ken Kerman

+

----------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Opening Monologue]

+

The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic
+ crime-fighting idea. I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post
+ office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line
+ behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Okay? It's not that I
+ don't want to help. You know the annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to
+ this guy when they're taking his picture? "No, we don't do it that way. We take
+ their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The
+ front is his face. The side is him leaving."

+

 

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Jerry: Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with + the sticks.

+

Elaine: I know. I need a lesson.

+

Jerry: You stink. You know you stink. What is this?

+

Elaine: Oh. My ballet tickets.

+

Jerry: Oh. Your ballet tickets.

+

Elaine: Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?

+

Jerry: No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

+

Elaine: You know, I'm going as a beard.

+

Jerry: A beard?

+

Elaine: Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, + I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably

+

gorgeous, of course he's gay.

+

Jerry: Yes.

+

Elaine: So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited + us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's

+

afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going + along as his date.

+

Jerry: Why are you doing this?

+

Elaine: Swan Lake, at the Met.

+

Kramer enters.

+

Kramer: Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.

+

Elaine: Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?

+

Jerry: Yeah.

+

Elaine: Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?

+

Kramer: I think he looks fantastic.

+

Elaine: Oh, come on.

+

Kramer: No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.

+

George enters, wearing a toupee.

+

George: Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? + Excuse me.

+

Elaine: You look ridiculous in that thing.

+

George: Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* + bit worried that you may have missed the boat?

+

Elaine: Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your + brain.

+

George: Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if + you must. But let me tell you something, with

+

my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I + am in the game. I no longer defer to the

+

coifed. I'm a player.

+

Kramer: You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous + woman, she called me up this

+

morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know + of anyone she could meet. Now you can

+

go out with her.

+

Jerry: Well what about me?

+

Kramer: No I think he's got you beat buddy.

+

George: So she's gorgeous.

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.

+

George: Well have you got a picture?

+

Kramer: No.

+

George: Well, I have to see her.

+

Kramer: Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works + over at the police station. He's a

+

composite artist.

+

George: Really?

+

Kramer: Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her + for you.

+

George: Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?

+

Kramer: Yeah, yeah. I think he will.

+

Jerry: It sounds like an excellent idea.

+

Kramer: Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to + a homeless person.

+

Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.

+

George: Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to + see how those sketch artists do it.

+

Kramer: Here you go brother. Some food for you.

+

Homeless man: Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you.

+

Kramer: Now are you going to be here in an hour?

+

Homeless man: Where am I going?

+

(commercial)

+

At the police station.

+

Kramer: Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's + that nut?

+

Lou: Almond?

+

Kramer: Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.

+

George: Pouty? I like that.

+

Jerry: You can't go wrong with pouty.

+

George: I'm excited about the pouty.

+

Lou: All right I think that about does it.

+

Kramer: All right George, come on, take a look.

+

George: Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.

+

Jerry: Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?

+

Lou: Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet + her?

+

Walking down the street.

+

George: Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the + police woman?

+

Jerry: Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law + on my side.

+

Kramer: Hey, man. Enjoy the food?

+

Homeless man: Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like + that?

+

Kramer: Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.

+

Homeless man: I don't think so.

+

Kramer: Woah, woah, that's mine.

+

Homeless man: You gave it to me.

+

Kramer: No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't + give away tupperware.

+

Homeless man: You should have said something.

+

Kramer: I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware + you just assume.

+

At the ballet.

+

Robert: I've really got to thank you for this.

+

Elaine: Well by now, you think people would be a little more open + minded.

+

Robert: Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.

+

Boss' wife: So, um, you and Robert.

+

Elaine: Yes indeed.

+

Boss: I'm surprised.

+

Elaine: Really. Why?

+

Boss: No reason.

+

Elaine: Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's + not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if

+

you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, + he's a typical guy, he likes his

+

sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight + at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in

+

watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those + two halves of his personality that just

+

come together to make him the very special guy that he is.

+

Robert comes back.

+

Elaine: Oh, hi honey.

+

Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him.

+

At Monk's.

+

Elaine: Oh it was such a great night.

+

Jerry: And did they suspect anything?

+

Elaine: No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him + honey.

+

Jerry: And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend + for homosexuals.

+

Elaine: Oh it was such a great night. Oh.

+

Jerry: You said that already.

+

Elaine: Oh I did?

+

Jerry: Yeah.

+

Elaine: Oh.

+

Jerry: Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?

+

Elaine: He's incredible.

+

Jerry: Yeah, but?

+

Elaine: Yeah, I know.

+

Jerry: So?

+

Elaine: What?

+

Jerry: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?

+

Elaine: Well it did occur to me.

+

Jerry: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not + going to suddenly switch sides. Forget

+

about it.

+

Elaine: Why? Is it irrevocable?

+

Jerry: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes + his team. He's set with that team.

+

Elaine: We've got a good team.

+

Jerry: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.

+

Elaine: Why can't he play for us?

+

Jerry: They're only comfortable with *their* equipment.

+

Elaine: We just got along *so* great.

+

Jerry: Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's + + no possibility of sex.

+

Elaine: No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. + I perceived a possibility Jerry.

+

Jerry: You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.

+

Elaine: I realize that.

+

Jerry: Are you that desperate?

+

Elaine: Yes I am.

+

At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.

+

Jerry: So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's + settled. First date, no weapons... All right

+

I'll see you then... Okay, bye.

+

Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.

+

Jerry: What are you looking for?

+

Kramer: Tupperware.

+

Jerry: Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.

+

Kramer: I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious + casserole, but now it won't keep because

+

I have no Tupperware.

+

Jerry: What about a plastic bag?

+

Kramer: You must be kidding.

+

Jerry: What is the difference?

+

Kramer: The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

+

George enters.

+

George: So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, you talked to her.

+

George: Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.

+

Kramer: Yeah well we go way back.

+

George: Why didn't anything happen between you two?

+

Kramer: Who's to say it didn't?

+

Jerry: So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?

+

George: Yes I did.

+

Jerry: What did you say to her?

+

George: What do you think I said?

+

Jerry: I don't know.

+

George: I told her the truth.

+

Jerry: As you see it?

+

George: Yes, as I see it.

+

Jerry: Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?

+

George: What hat?

+

Jerry: You know, you're little hair hat there.

+

George: No.

+

Jerry: Don't you think she could tell?

+

Kramer: No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful + job.

+

Jerry: Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks + away.

+

George: You only think that because you know me.

+

Jerry: Have you noticed people staring at your head?

+

George: I noticed people staring at my head because they like what + they see.

+

Jerry: Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about + it.

+

Kramer: No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go + over there bald, I never would have

+

introduced him.

+

George: Look, I guarantee she won't know.

+

Kramer: Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the + precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.

+

Jerry: Oh, I'll split a cab with you.

+

Walking down the street.

+

Kramer: Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry.

+

Kramer drops something into the man's cup.

+

Homeless man: Hey that's my coffee!

+

At the police station

+

Jerry: Hi Sarge.

+

Tierney: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't + show. Hey any of you guys want to be in

+

the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?

+

Kramer: Sure. I will.

+

Tierney: Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert.

+

In the lineup room.

+

6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.

+

Over the speaker: All of you, turn to the left.

+

Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right.

+

Over the speaker: The left.

+

Kramer turns left.

+

Over the speaker: Now turn to the right.

+

Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance.

+

At Monk's.

+

George: (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the + face, just like the picture.

+

Denise: George?

+

George: Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.

+

Denise: Likewise. Have you been waiting long?

+

George: No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.

+

Denise: Good, good.

+

George: Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.

+

Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is still + on George. His expression changes to surprise.

+

At the police station.

+

Jerry: What's that?

+

Tierney: A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector + test.

+

Jerry: Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that + their pants are actually on fire?

+

Tierney: If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up + here. A certain cast member of Melrose

+

Place.

+

Jerry: Really.

+

Tierney: Have you ever seen the show?

+

Jerry: No.

+

Tierney: You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.

+

Jerry: I admit it. I don't watch it.

+

Tierney: Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.

+

Jerry: The poly?

+

Tierney: Yeah. I think you've seen it.

+

(commercial)

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Elaine: Melrose Place?

+

Jerry: Yes. Melrose Place.

+

Elaine: I just didn't know you watched that.

+

Jerry: Well I do.

+

Elaine: I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or + join in the conversation.

+

Jerry: Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.

+

Elaine: You mean this whole time we could have been discussing + Sydney and Michael and Jane...

+

Jerry: And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed + it.

+

Elaine: Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

+

Jerry: The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test + and that needle's going to be going wild.

+

Elaine: That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?

+

Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing + to.

+

Elaine: So what are you going to do?

+

Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.

+

Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?

+

Jerry: Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, + duplicitous, deceptive minds of our

+

time. Who better to advise me?

+

Elaine takes a drink of something.

+

Elaine: Oh god this tastes terrible.

+

Jerry: Did you shake it up?

+

Elaine: No.

+

Jerry: You gotta shake it up.

+

Elaine: No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.

+

Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.

+

Jerry: Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.

+

Elaine: So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and + his wife.

+

Jerry: So tonight are you going to make the move?

+

Elaine: Yeah, I think I might.

+

George enters.

+

Jerry: Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?

+

George: That's an interesting question.

+

Jerry: How so?

+

George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!

+

Elaine: What do you mean bald?

+

George: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.

+

Jerry: She's bald?

+

George: She's bald.

+

Elaine: Oh come on.

+

George: Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there + she was (waving his hand over his

+

head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

+

Elaine: Well maybe she got a haircut or something.

+

George: Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor + and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

+

Jerry: Women go bald?

+

Elaine: Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.

+

Kramer enters.

+

Jerry: Hey.

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

George: You fixed me up with a bald woman.

+

Kramer flinches.

+

Kramer: Bald?

+

George: Yeah, that's right.

+

Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because + they're bald.

+

George: So?

+

Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!

+

George: No I'm not. I *was* bald.

+

Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.

+

George: Elaine.

+

Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the + door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the

+

toupee and runs to the window.

+

George: No, no, no Elaine.

+

Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm + doing with it.

+

She tosses the toupee out the window.

+

George: Nooooo.

+

He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.

+

Outside.

+

The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee. + He puts it on.

+

At Elaine's apartment.

+

Robert: Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me?

+

Elaine: Well I figured that's what couples do.

+

Robert: You almost convinced me we were a couple.

+

Elaine: Well it was easy. Really.

+

Robert: Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.

+

Elaine: Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?

+

Robert: Upstairs?

+

Elaine: Yeah. Upstairs?

+

Robert: Elaine...

+

Elaine: I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... + changing teams?

+

Robert: Changing teams?

+ +

Elaine: Have you ever thought about it?

+

Robert: But I'm a starting shortstop.

+

Elaine: Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.

+

At Monk's.

+

George: I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, + it was the best thing that ever happened to

+

me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely + insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a

+

pleasure.

+

Jerry: Good to have you back.

+

George: And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to + keep seeing the bald woman.

+

Jerry: She's as good as anybody else.

+

George: Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't + a lot of hair on it.

+

Jerry: Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like + a bald-again.

+

George: Going to need a little more coffee here.

+

Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?

+

George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

+

Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can + help me.

+

George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach + me to sing like you."

+

Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe + I'm doing this.

+

George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe + it.

+

Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.

+

Elaine: Hey, I did it.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Elaine: I turned him. He defected.

+

Jerry: Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?

+

Elaine: Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-

+

boom.

+

Jerry: Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to + every woman who's ever said "Too

+

bad he's gay".

+

Elaine: Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. + Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot.

+

The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.

+

At the police station.

+

Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk into + the room. They stand there for a few

+

moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. He + then tilts his head a few times to the man

+

on his left.

+

Elsewhere at the police station.

+

Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph.

+

Lou: What's your name?

+

Jerry: Jerry Seinfeld.

+

Lou: What is your address?

+

Jerry: 129 West 81st street.

+

Lou: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

+

Jerry: I don't know.

+

Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the + paper.

+

Lou: Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?

+

Jerry: I don't know.

+

Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the + paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney

+

look at each other.

+

Lou: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? + And if so, did she enjoy it?

+

Jerry: I don't know.

+

Lou: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

+

Jerry: (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, + he slept with her sister. He tricked

+

her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead + and sleeps with him again. I mean she's

+

crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she + makes me so mad.

+

He picks up his coat and leaves.

+

At Jerry's apartment.

+

Jerry: He went back? What do you mean he went back?

+

Elaine: He went back.

+

Jerry: I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, + the sex, the shopping.

+

Elaine: Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have + access to the, uh... equipment, what,

+

thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How + can I be expected to have the same

+

expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to + it twenty-four hours a day, their entire

+

lives.

+

Jerry: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.

+

Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

+

Jerry: Well there's always a place for you, on our team.

+

Elaine: Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?

+

Jerry: Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.

+

Elaine: Okay.

+

George enters.

+

Jerry: Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.

+

Elaine: Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire + what you've done.

+

George: Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.

+

Elaine: What is the matter?

+

George: I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. + Heh, you like that one? A woman

+

with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. + Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.

+

Kramer: Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with + that piece off and was devastated. You

+

blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. + Didn't you?

+

Elaine: I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, + and it made him act like a jerk.

+

Jerry: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.

+

Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.

+

Jerry: Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.

+

(commercial)

+

At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.

+

Kramer: Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, + you're a slippery one. You'd better

+

straighten up and fly right buddy boy.

+

Man: I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come + here. Do you recognize anybody in the

+

lineup?

+

Homeless man: That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. + The tall guy with the, with the high

+

hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.

+

Man: Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward.

+

Kramer: Me?

+

The End.

+

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+ + + + +
+

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+

The Betrayal

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

 

+ + Written by: David Mandel, Peter Mehlman

+

Directed by: Andy Akerman

+

Broadcasted: November 20, 1997 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Wayne Knight (as Newman),

+

Michael McShane (as Franklin Delano Romanowski), Justine Miceli + (as

+

Nina) Brenda Strong (as Sue Ellen), Heidi Swedberg (as Susan), + and Shaun

+

Toub (as Pinter).

+

 

+

(The final 'Castle Rock' screen shows, then the end credits roll. + Scene cuts to the Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with + suitcases. Elaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit + down at a booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered)

+

GEORGE: So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with me or what?!

+

ELAINE: (Aggravated) George, I just got off a twenty-three hour + plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.

+

GEORGE: (Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

+

GEORGE: Yeah, I hope so. For your sake!

+

(Kramer comes in and sits down at the booth with them)

+

JERRY: (To George) I said I was sorry.

+

GEORGE: You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!

+

JERRY: (Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?!

+

KRAMER: (Confused) What's up with you two?

+

GEORGE: I don't want to talk about it.

+

KRAMER: (To Jerry) So how was the big trip?

+

JERRY: I don't want to talk about it!

+

KRAMER: (Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well, what happened + to your nose?

+

ELAINE: I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She winces under the + pain from her nose on the word 'about')

+

KRAMER: Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the + wedding? Was the bride radiant?

+

ELAINE: She.. was.

+

JERRY: 'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.

+

KRAMER: (Interested) Ooohh.. That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta + go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and + heads for the bathroom)

+

GEORGE: (While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to + the bathroom the entire time we were in India.

+

JERRY: I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: India]

+

(Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER" People storm out of a building. + All are dressed in wedding apparel)

+

SUE ELLEN: That's it! The wedding's off.

+

PINTER: What? But, Sue Ellen-

+

SUE ELLEN: (Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine, you were my maid + of honor and you slept with MY Pinter?!

+

ELAINE: No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, + and I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical.

+

SUE ELLEN: I have never been so humiliated!

+

ELAINE: (To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all yoru fault!

+

GEORGE: (While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed + me!

+

JERRY: (Pleading) George, I'm sorry..

+

GEORGE: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!

+

JERRY: (Confused) I don't know what that means.

+

GEORGE: (To his girlfriend) Alright, Nina, you have to decide right + now. Jerry or me?

+

NINA: (Casually) Alright.. Neither.

+

GEORGE: What?! Well, what are you doing here?

+

NINA: A free trip to India. And by the way, you can take off those + boots. Everyone knows you're five' six.

+

GEORGE: Five' eight! Five' seven!

+

ELAINE: (To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're + still best friends, right?

+

SUE ELLEN: No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take + that stupid thing out of your nose!

+

(Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out)

+

JERRY: That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from!

+

GEORGE: (Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got + to go to the bathroom.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: A building in India]

+

(Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" The bride, Sue Ellen, + and the Groom, Pinter, are walking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering + flowers behind them. Jerry

+

walks in and takes a seat)

+

ELAINE: (Whispering to Jerry) Hey.

+

JERRY: Hey.

+

ELAINE: What happened last night?

+

JERRY: Oh, you were pretty loaded.

+

ELAINE: (Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this.

+

JERRY: Oh. Hello, Tetanus.

+

(Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall)

+

NINA: George, I've used the bathroom. It's fine.

+

GEORGE: (Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a + hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out.

+

ELAINE: (Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking + at his shoes) Are those Timberlands painted black?

+

GEORGE: (Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?

+

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks tward the bride and groom)

+

GEORGE: Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To + Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously + angered at Jerry) I

+

believe you know Nina.

+

JERRY: (As George sits down) George, we need to talk.

+

GEORGE: (Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot + more than talk! You betrayed me!

+

JERRY: Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all.

+

GEORGE: (Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything! + I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway!

+

JERRY: (Pleading) I'm really sorry.

+

GEORGE: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

+

JERRY: (Confused) Where'd you get that one?

+

GEORGE: It's an expression.

+

ELAINE: (From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's + heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her + head - apologizing)

+

GEORGE: (Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle + this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with + Elaine. That's the only way to

+

punish you!

+

JERRY: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, + I might add.

+

GEORGE: (Losing it) Funny guy!

+

(Elaine casually makes her way to Jerry and George)

+

ELAINE: Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to + get married up here!

+

GEORGE: Elaine, you have to sleep with me.

+

ELAINE: (Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you.

+

GEORGE: Reparations!

+

ELAINE: Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina + slept with (Points to Jerry) him, he slept with me, I slept with + Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all

+

ancient history.

+

GEORGE: (Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with + the groom?!

+

(Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly. + All eyes on them, expecially Sue Ellen)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: New York street]

+

(Notice: "FOUR HOURS EARLIER" Kramer is standing up against + a brick wall. All the sudden, he's pegged straight in the face with + a snowball. He winces from

+

the pain and coldness, then walks up to his friend FDR - the one + who threw the snowball at him. He hugs him)

+

KRAMER: Oh, thank you, FDR!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Kramer and FDR are both holding + a wishbone)

+

KRAMER: Alright, FDR.. This wish is for all the marbles. You win, + you get your wish - I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead, and I + get one-hundred percent

+

anti-drop-dead protection. Forever.

+

FDR: Alright.

+

(They each pull, it breaks. FDR won)

+

KRAMER: Oh, man! Well, then, come on. There's got to be something + that'll change your mind, FDR. Something.." (FDR lifts up a + cooler, and puts it on the table)

+

What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls + a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's room in India]

+

(Notice: "THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA" Elaine is + obviously drunk)

+

ELAINE: George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was + acting so weird.

+

JERRY: How did he find out?

+

ELAINE: He schnapped me.

+

JERRY: You know you're not supposed to drink whil you're keeping + a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else?

+

ELAINE: I can't tell you.

+

JERRY: (Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this.

+

ELAINE: Okay. (Takes a drink) I slept with the groom.

+

JERRY: Pinter?

+

ELAINE: He used to be called Peter.

+

JERRY: (Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that?

+

ELAIEN: Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding.

+

JERRY: Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. (Elaine, at this + point, has climbed onto the couch and is squirming around - she + now has her backside to Jerry)

+

Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up.

+

(Elaine climbs onto Jerry's back)

+ +

ELAINE: Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?

+

JERRY: (Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what?

+

ELAINE: (Between laughs) Jugdish.

+

JERRY: Yes, jugdish.

+

ELAINE: (While sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor) Hey, what + if I got my nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa!

+

JERRY: (Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. + Well, good night. (Shuts the door)

+

(Elaine peers through the blinds on Jerry's door)

+

ELAINE: (Sticking her fingers through the blinds - waving at him) + G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's room, India]

+

(Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Jerry hands Elaine a glass + of Schnapps)

+

JERRY: Bless you.

+

ELAINE: Thank you..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's room, India]

+

(Notice: "THREE SECONDS EARLIER" Jerry's pouring Elaine + a glass of Schnapps. Elaine sneezes)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: New York park]

+

(Notice: "TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK" Kramer is with + hot-dog vender FDR)

+

KRAMER: Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star + last night, and I wished against your wish.

+

FDR: That's funny. As it happens, I saw the same shooting star + and double-wished you to drop dead. (Hands Kramer some coins) Here's + your change.

+

(Kramer walks over, and throws his coins in a nearby fountain)

+

KRAMER: Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep!

+

FDR: (Throwing four coins into the fountain) Then I'm quadruple-wishing!

+

KRAMER: Alright.. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) How do you like + this? (Blows it away) Ya!

+

FDR: I like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ow! (Blows + it away)

+

KRAMER: (Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows it away)

+

FDR: (Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away)

+

(Kramer and FDR get into a frenzy - both ripping out their eyelashes)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Indian Airport]

+

(Notice: "THREE HOURS EARLIER, BACK IN INDIA" Elaine, + Jerry, George, and Nina are all at the airport)

+

ELAINE: Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What's that smell?

+

JERRY: (Joking around) I think it's the stench of death.

+

NINA: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. + You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?

+

GEORGE: (Laughing nervously) No.. I'm gonna wear black shoes.

+

ELAIEN: (Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's + Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with + a buch of my idiot friends!

+

JERRY: (Giddy) This is gonna be great!

+

SUE ELLEN: (Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy + to see you!

+

ELAINE: (Confused by her reaction) You are?

+

SUE ELLEN: Well, of course! No one else was even willing to come + to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.

+

ELAIEN: Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a bra, you're tall.. + we hate each other!

+

SUE ELLEN: Elaine, I know. I know we've had our problems, but.. + I want you to be my maid of honor - and my best friend.

+

ELAINE: (Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright. I guess.

+

SUE ELLEN: Uh, this is my fiance, Pinter. (To Pinter) Say hello.

+

PINTER: (Walking up to them) Hello.

+

ELAINE: (Recognizing him) Peter?

+

SUE ELLEN: Uh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want to use the bathroom?

+

GEORGE: (Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. + Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny + man. (Leaves)

+

JERRY: Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strage the whole + flight?

+

ELAINE: (Acting equilly strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. + No. I..

+

JERRY: (Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look + what they had on the plane. Schnapps.

+

ELAINE: Ooohh.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry/Kramer's apartment building]

+

(Notice: "THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK" Kramer is on the + roof of his apartment building looking up at the stars)

+

KRAME: Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling star) There's one! + (Yelling out) I wish I don't drop dead!!

+

MAN: (Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there!

+

KRAMER: You shut up!

+

MAN: Aw, drop dead!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Airplane]

+

(Notice: "FIVE HOURS EARLIER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND + INDIA" Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are on the plane - India-bound.

+

George walks up to Jerry's seat)

+

GEORGE: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?

+

JERRY: Coach to India - The only way to go.

+

GEORGE: (Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very + funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. + (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's

+

a funny guy!

+

JERRY: You all right?

+

GEORGE: Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl. Nina. And + what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend.. + with whom there are no

+

secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the + fourth grade.

+

JERRY: (Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth + grade?

+

GEORGE: (Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny guy! (Points to + Jerry) Right here!

+

(Scene cuts to Nina and Elaine)

+

NINA: By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry + and me, did ya?

+

ELAINE: Oh please.. It's in the vault.

+

(Camera stays on Elaine and Nina as we hear George yelling from + the front of the plane)

+

GEORGE: Ho, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine and George are at Monks. + Elaine is drunk)

+

ELAINE: Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, + flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her + teeth. She is effected by that last

+

drink:) Oh.. God..

+

GEORGE: So, Jerry and Nina, huh?

+

ELAINE: Oh, Mmm.. (Scoots up close to George) I'm not gonna tell + you any more things..

+

GEORGE: But you already told me everything.

+

ELAINE: Okey-dokey.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

+

(Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER")

+

KRAMER: I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you were supposed to + give my your birthday wish. And now you've wated it!

+

NEWMAN: (With a gorgeous woman sitting on his lap) Did I?

+

WOMAN: Newman, I'm bored.

+

NEWMAN: Aww..

+

KRAMER: Does your girlfriend have to be here?

+

NEWMAN: (Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?

+

JERRY: (Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this + hell-hole because of George.

+

KRAMER: Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta help me! What am + I gonna do about FDR?

+

WOMAN: Why don't you just make another wish?

+

KRAMER: And how am I gonna do that, Toots?

+

WOMAN: What about a shooting star?

+

KRAMER: (Interested) That's perfect..

+

NEWMAN: (Kissing the woman) Beauty.. and brains.

+

JERRY: (Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, + don't ya?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" George enters Jerry's + apartment)

+

GEORGE: Hey.

+

ELAINE: (Handing George a ticket) Here. You're going to India with + us tomarrow.

+

GEORGE: For how long?

+

ELAINE: Three days.

+

GEORGE: Great. (Hugs Jerry) Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the + best time with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with + her already. You are a great friend. A

+

great, great friend.

+

(Kramer leaves his apartment, entering the hallway)

+

JERRY: (Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey, Kramer, + what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat + something? Come on

+

in!

+

KRAMER: (Shrugging Jerry off) Nah.

+

ELAINE: You want to go to India?

+

KRAMER: I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop dead.

+

GEORGE: Great! Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and + Elaine. Me and Nina..

+

JERRY: (As Kramer is walking in the direction of Newman's apartment) + Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you.

+

KRAMER: I'm goin' to Newman's!

+

JERRY: (Eagerly following Kramer) Great, I love Newman! (They both + leave)

+

GEORGE: (Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned + Nina?

+

ELAINE: Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird. No. Nina.

+

GEORGE: Why do you keep saying Nina?

+

ELAIEN: I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's said to much, + she goes to leave) I'm gonna go grab a bite.

+

GEORGE: Uhh.. I'll meet you down there. (Elaine leaves. George + instantly goes looking through Jerry's cabinet) Cereal, cereal.. + (Picks up a bottle) Peach schnapps.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC Street]

+

(Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER")

+

KRAMER: (Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come on, Lomez! We're + gonna be late for the movie.

+

(Newman, with the woman he wished for, are riding in his car. He + stops at a stop light - right next to Kramer)

+

NEWMAN: (To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified + mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily cerified.

+

WOMAN; I could listed to you talk about mail all day.

+

KRAMER: Anything you wish.. I'll tell you a little secret about + zip codes: They're meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving away)

+

KRAMER: Wish?! Newman!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Newman's apartment]

+ +

(Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER" It's Newman's birthday party. + His house is full of Postal co-workers)

+

ALL: (Singing to Newman) ..And you smell like one, too.

+

POSTMAN: Make a wish, Newman! We've gotta get back to work in three + hours!

+

(Newman inhales, ready to blow the candles out. Kramer rushes in)

+

KRAMER: Newman, wait!

+

NEWMAN: (Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with people.

+

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me!

+

NEWMAN: I did invite you.. Your invitation must've.. gotten lost + in the mail.

+

(All postal workers burst out with laughter)

+

KRAMER: Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR.

+

NEWMAN: (Refusing, Standing up) Can't do it. I'm on an unbelievable + birthday-wish hot streak! My last five birthday wishes came true.

+

KRAMER: Come on! Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish, huh?

+

NEWMAN: (Negotiating) Your next.. fifty wishes.

+

KRAMER: Forty-eight.

+

NEWMAN: Fourty-nine.

+

KRAMER: Done!

+

NEWMAN AND KRAMER: (Toghether) Sucker..

+

(Newman sits back down to his cake, where his co-workers are about + to slice it)

+

NEWMAN: Alright, alright, back, savages. Back! I haven't made my + wish yet..

+

(Newman starts to inhale again. This time, he sees a magazine on + the table - on the cover is a beautiful woman. Then blows out the + candles)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine enters)

+

ELAINE: Well, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse.

+

JERRY: Uh-huh.

+

ELAINE: I talked with the groom's parents..

+

JERRY: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm..

+

ELAINE: ..And it's so obvious that they don't want..

+

JERRY: Uh-huh..

+

ELAINE: ..me to go.

+

JERRY: Sure.

+

ELAINE: So, the only reason..

+

JERRY: Uh-huh.

+

ELAINE: ..she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a + gift.

+

JERRY: Uh-huh.

+

NINA: (From Jerry's room) Jerry?

+

JERRY: (To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. + Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. + Maybe you should go get

+

some coffee.

+

(Nina enters the living room - sees Elaine)

+

NINA: Oh. Hi.

+

ELAINE: Hi.

+

NINA: (Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should.. um..

+

JERRY: Sure.

+

ELAINE: Bye.

+

NINA: Bye-bye. (Leaves)

+

ELAINE: (Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there?

+

JERRY: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It + never happened before.

+

ELAINE: You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George?

+

JERRY: Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about + this.. It'll crush him.

+

ELAINE: Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault.

+

JERRY: No good. Too many people know the combination.

+

ELAINE: (Confused) What combination? (Jerry makes the "drinky-drinky" + sign with his hands) Don't be rediculous.

+

(Jerry opens one of his kitchen drawers)

+

JERRY: Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops!

+

ELAINE: So what?

+

JERRY: And milk.

+

(Scene cuts to "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer is in + Jerry's kitchen. He spills his milk and cereal on the counter)

+

KRAMER: Oh, geez..

+

JERRY: (From outside the apartment) Hello?

+

(Kramer quickly opens a drawer and sweeps his mess into it with + his arm)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Pinter's parent's house]

+

(Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER" Elaine is at Pinter's parents + house)

+

ELAINE: Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat?

+

ZUBIN: Please, call us Usha and Zubin.

+

ELAINE: Oh. Well, Usha..

+

ZUBIN: I'm Zubin.

+

ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, + Sue Ellen Mischke..

+

USHA: You're not going to the wedding, are you?

+

ELAINE: Well..

+

USHA: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.

+

ZUBIN: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? + I mean, the plague! Please!

+

USHA: Here's the registry. Send her a gift, and be glad you did + not have to go.

+

ELAINE: (Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send a gift. I think I + understand.

+

ZUBIN: If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the + entire trip.

+

ELAINE: (Leaving) That's fantastic.

+

ZUBIN: And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan, either.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and Nina are + in the kitchen)

+

NINA: Oh, you were going to tell me all about George.

+

JERRY: Ah, just remember when you see him tomarrow night to tell + him that the waiter liked him.

+

NINA: Really?

+

JERRY: Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging + out with you.

+

NINA: I know. You know, we never had a bad conversation.

+

JERRY: I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never + fooled around..

+

NINA: Heh.. yeah.

+

JERRY: Probably the reason..

+

(They both stare at eachother, then, Jerry clears of the counter + with the sweep of his arm, Nina hops onto the counter, and they + start going at it)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: FDR's apartment building]

+

(Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER" Kramer is standing outside + FDR's door, talking to FDR. He is finishing what was once a large + lollipop)

+

FDR: Are - are you dense? I said I wanted you to drop dead. Now.. + drop dead! (Slams the door in Kramer's face)

+

KRAMER: (Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry..

+

(Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at Jerry's apartment. + Jerry's at his door, talking with Kramer. Kramer's lollipop is slightly + bigger)

+

JERRY: Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR + wants you to drop dead.

+

KRAMER: But you haven't seen..

+

JERRY: Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer)

+

KRAMER: Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's)

+

(Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at FDR's apartment. + Kramer and FDR are talking at the door. Kramer's lollipop, of course, + is larger than the scene

+

before)

+

FDR: That's right. My birthday wish was for you to drop dead.

+

KRAMER: Well, why?

+

FDR: (Sinister) I have my reasons.

+

KRAMER: Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make a birthday wish out + loud, it doesn't come true.

+

FDR: That's just a silly superstition. (Slams his door on Kramer)

+

(Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer comes into + Jerry's apartment with a huge lollipop)

+

KRAMER: Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.

+

GEORGE: FDR?

+

KRAMER: (To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. (Resumes + telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he + blew out his candles, he gives

+

me this look..

+

GEORGE: (Guessing the look) Stink eye?

+

JERRY: (Also guessing) Crook eye?

+

KRAMER: (Entroducing yet another type of look to the boys) EVIL + eye.

+

JERRY: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday..

+

GEORGE: Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, + you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"

+

JERRY: (Sarcasticly joking off what George said) Everyday is my + birthday.

+

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging over my head. It's + bad mojo.

+

(Elaine opens the door, hitting Kramer)

+

ELAINE: Hi.

+

(Kramer, still wheezing from the door, leaves)

+

ELAINE: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. An invitation + to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.

+

JERRY: (Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding + gown will give her some support.

+

ELAINE: Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds + up invitation) today.

+

JERRY: So you think it's a non-vite?

+

ELAINE: It's an un-vitation! (Notices George is a few inches higher) + Hey, are you gettin' taller?

+

GEORGE: (Showing Elaine his boots) Timberlands.

+

ELAINE: Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter + Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat..

+

JERRY: Ah, it's probably like Smith over there.

+

GEORGE: Jerry, would you make the call already?

+

ELAINE: What call?

+

JERRY: (Picks up the phone, dialing Nina) He wants me to set him + up with this girl, Nina Stengal.

+

ELAINE: (Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation + girl. (Somewhat bitter tward Jerry) The one you think can replace + me?

+

JERRY: I was kidding when I said that!

+

GEORGE: (To Elaine) Told me the same thing.

+

JERRY: (On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.

+

GEORGE: You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his + head 'no') Perfect.

+

JERRY: (To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, + huh?

+

GEORGE: (Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's not sitting right..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER" George is ordering his meal)

+

GEORGE: I'll have the clam casino.

+

JERRY: Get outta here.

+

GEORGE: (Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends"

+

JERRY: Hmm..

+ +

GEORGE: (Motioning tward waitress) I think she likes me.

+

JERRY: Sure.

+

GEORGE: So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? + (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?

+

JERRY: Are you?

+

GEORGE: Well, what's the reason?

+

JERRY: We were too compatible.. Our conversations were so engrossing.

+

GEORGE: How engrossing?

+

JERRY: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in + Nina and not lose a step.

+

GEORGE: Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement + lined up for me, do ya?

+

(Jerry snickers, then stares at George, smiling)

+

JERRY: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the trasition + from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses.. I need + an awkward pause.

+

GEORGE: I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a + minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wwear + them every time I see her.

+

JERRY: Why?

+

GEORGE: In any othe shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a + drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!

+

JERRY: So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?

+

GEORGE: In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes + his meal) Hm.. tastes a little funky.

+

JERRY: Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: FDR's apartment]

+

(Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" A group of people are + singing to FDR)

+

ALL: ..to you!

+

MAN: Come on, make a wish! Make a wish!

+

KRAMER: Yeah!

+

(FDR eyes Kramer evilly, blows out his candles, then gives Kramer + the same look. Kramer reacts nervously)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC Street]

+

(Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and George are walking + down the street. The opening credits start to show)

+

GEORGE: Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel + good to be alive.

+

JERRY: Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies!

+

JERRY: Really?

+

GEORGE: Five' eight. Five' seven.

+

(Jerry passes Nina, an old girlfriend)

+

NINA: Jerry?

+

JERRY: Nina?

+

NINA: Hi.

+

JERRY: It's been years!

+

NINA: Yeah!

+

JERRY: (Introducing the two) George, this is Nina.

+

GEORGE: Nice to meet you.

+

NINA: Nice to meet you, too.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Elaine's apartment building]

+

(Notice: "THREE HOURS EARLIER" Elaine's at her mailbox)

+

ELAINE: (Reading an invitation) India? Yeah, right. (Sarcastic) + I'm goin' to India..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Notice: "TWO YEARS EARLIER" Jerry is sitting at a booth + with Nina)

+

NINA: And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone!

+

JERRY: (Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!

+

NINA: Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)

+

JERRY: Ah.

+

NINA: It's great talkin'

+

JERRY: Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the + hell is e-mail?

+

(George and Susan enter and sit with Jerry)

+

GEORGE: How as the date?

+

JERRY: Pretty good. I think she might be the one.

+

SUSAN: No.

+

GEORGE: Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders) Ooh.. French fries.

+

SUSAN: Ah, George.

+

GEORGE: (Changing is order for Susan) Baked, uh, potato.

+

SUSAN: Uh-huh.

+

GEORGE: Sorry.

+

SUSAN: yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.

+

(Kramer runs into Monk's with a snowball)

+

KRAMER: Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts + the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto + it)

+

JERRY: What are you bringing snowballs in here for?

+

KRAMER: Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard.. and when + you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (Looks out the Monk's windows) there's + my friend, FDR. I'm

+

gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes + out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)

+

(Elaine and Pinter [Peter] enter Monk's, and are greeted)

+

JERRY: Hi, Elaine.

+

GEORGE: Hey!

+

ELAINE: (Turning around and leaving with Pinter) Hey, let's go + someplace else, Okay, Peter?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's new apartment]

+

(Notice: "ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER" Jerry, carrying a box, + is moving in to his apartment for the first time. He meets his across-the-hall + neighbor, Kramer)

+

KRAMER: Oh, hey, how you doing?

+

JERRY: Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your + name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler.

+

KRAMER: Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.

+

JERRY: Oh.

+

KRAMER: Uh, you need any help, or..?

+

JERRY: No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it?

+

KRAMER: Uh, no, no, no. I couldn't impose.

+

JERRY: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with + that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life)

+

KRAMER: (Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really?

+

END OF SHOW.

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
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+ + Transcribed by:  The News Guy(Mike)

+

Broadcast: 22 Sep 94
+ Written by: Larry David, Bill Masters & Bob Shaw
+ Directed by: Andy + Ackerman

+

Guest Stars:
+ Michelle + Forbes [ Julie ],
+ Jerry Levine [ Stationer ],
+ Marita Geraghty [ Margaret ],
+ Barry Nolan [ Reporter ],
+ Dean Hallo [ Gendason ],
+ Lauren Bowles [ Waitress ]

+

Monologue:
+ =========
+ Its fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they’re +
+ manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we’re all buying them. + I
+ must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I’ve used up maybe + two of
+ them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator there’s + a
+ couple back there but it doesn’t account for it. Where are all the + pens?
+ That’s why it’s so embarrassing if you don’t have one. + You got a pen? Can I borrow
+ a pen? We always have to whisper because it’s so humiliating. I don’t +
+ have a pen. They’re making millions of them every week!   + I know; where are they?
+

+

[Stationery store]

+

Stationer: May I help you?

+

Elaine: Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil.

+

Stationer: Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.

+

Elaine: No, I'm sure you do.

+

Stationer: They're pretty expensive.

+

Elaine: Well, it's for my boss.

+

Stationer: What do you do?

+

Ex; Whatever.

+

Stationer: Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be + happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it + comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is?

+

Elaine: Elaine.

+

Stationer: Elaine, . . . and your last name?

+

Elaine: It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha

+

Stationer: And your number?

+

Elaine: Uh, aw, KL5-239O.

+

Stationer: Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me.

+

Elaine: Okay, [to Jerry]  Move  along. . .

+

Jerry: Why did you give him MY number?

+

[On the street]

+

Elaine: I think he's got ideas.

+

Jerry: I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?

+

Jerry: Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?

+

[On the street]

+

Elaine: Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?

+

Jerry: Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's + here.

+

George: Hey, hey.

+

Elaine: Hey hey

+

Julie: Hi Jerry.

+

Jerry: Hi Julie.

+

George: Elaine, Julie.

+

Elaine: Hi.

+

Julie: Hi.

+

Julie: Oh, hi.  Elaine's my middle name.

+

Elaine: Oh, mine's "Ike".

+

George: Hey, wanna get some lunch?

+

Jerry: Just had a big bowl of Kix.

+

George: Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you?

+

Elaine: Ah, no.

+

Julie: Please come, Elaine.

+

Elaine: No, no. How about if you bring me back something?

+

George: Sure, all right, what do you want?

+

Elaine: Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?

+

George: What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.

+

Elaine: They have big salads.

+

George: I've never seen a big salad.

+

Elaine: They have a big salad.

+

George: Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?

+

Elaine: It's okay, you don't…

+

George: No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?

+

Jerry: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.

+

George: (???), we'll see you in a little while.

+

[Jerry's]

+

Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.

+

Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?

+

Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.

+

Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

+

Elaine: You can say that again.

+

Jerry: It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm + going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.

+

Elaine: Good for you.

+

Jerry: I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

+

Elaine: Right on baby. (???)

+

[noise from hall]

+

Jerry: What was that?

+

[Kramer enters with his golf clubs]

+

Kramer: That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again.

+

Elaine: Who Gendason?

+

Kramer: Steve Gendason.

+

.Elaine: Why is that name familiar?
+ Hx: He used to be a baseball player.

+

Elaine: Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?

+

Kramer: Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played + with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's + beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second + shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it.

+

Elaine: So what?

+

Kramer: Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean + the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that. +

+

Jerry: Certainly are.

+

Kramer: Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.

+

Jx; Ah, so what happened?

+

Kramer: He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like + a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .

+

Jerry: All right. You're in MY face.

+

Elaine: I still don't see what the big deal is.

+

Kramer: A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos. +

+

[Monks]

+

Julie: I like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire. Don't you like Sapphire?

+

George: Oh, Sapphire. Uh ha

+

Julie: Although at times can be rather pedantic.

+

George: He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.

+

Julie: And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News.

+

George: Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the + Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. + You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" + it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All + right. [check arrives] All right. I

+

got it.

+

Julie: No, no. I'd like to take you out.

+

George: No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference + does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.

+

Julie: Okay, thanks, George.

+

Wx: Here's your big salad to go.

+

Julie: Oh, thank you.

+

[Jerry's]

+

Jerry: [on phone] Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll + tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED + your pencil.

+

Elaine: I told ya'. He has ideas.

+

Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.

+

Elaine: Or you.

+

[George and Julie enter]

+

George: Hey, hey.

+

Elaine: Hey.

+

Julie: Sorry e're late.

+

Elaine: No problem.

+

Julie: Here's your big salad.

+

Elaine: Thank you, Julie.

+

Julie: Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess I better get going. Gotta + meet mother a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want to go?

+

George: No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim.

+

Julie: Sure, George.

+

George: Ya, you go.

+

Julie: Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.

+

Jerry: Bye bye

+

[Julie exits]

+

George: Did you see what just happened?

+

Jerry: Well, that all depends. . .

+

George: Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?

+

Jerry: Yeah, so?

+

George: Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad.

+

Jerry: Is that a fact?

+

George: Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.

+

Jerry: No it isn't.

+

George: I mean I'm the one who bought it.

+

Jerry: Yes you did.

+

George: You think she should have said something?

+

Jerry: She could have.

+

George: Oh, I know.

+

Jerry: Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad.

+

George: You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if + + they knew it.

+

Jerry: Obviously.

+

[Kramer rushes in]

+

Kramer: Turn on the TV.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Kramer: I'm puttin it on…

+

TV: . . . the district attorney's office and the police department have + not answered any questions as yet. To repeat in case you're just joining + us. Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters + for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners + at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been + involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray + Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper + at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse + in a huff. Whether there is a possible connection between the two is something + we'll just have to wait.

+

Kramer: Jerry . . .
+ Jerry: Well, it has nothing to do with you.

+

Kramer: Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he + murdered the dry cleaner.

+

Jerry: Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to + murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.

+

[In a cab]

+

Elaine: I like Julie. She's very personable.

+

George: Yeah, she's very lovely.

+

Elaine: That's great George.

+

George: So did you enjoy your lunch?

+

Elaine: Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha + ha Wht?

+

George: oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed + you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, + . . .

+

Elaine: Even though what?

+

George: . . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's + the difference?

+

Elaine: What? What are you trying to say, George?

+

George: It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. + She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.

+

Elaine: You want the money for the big salad, George?

+

George: No, no,

+

Elaine: What is the problem?

+

George: There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby + you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing + the big salad.

+

[Jerry's]

+

Jerry: And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it.

+

Margaret: Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go + out.

+

Jerry: Ah, no , I don't think so.

+

Margaret: Why not?

+

Jerry: We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

+

Margaret: Who is staring?
+ Jerry: Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making + fun. Come on. It's embarrassing.

+

[Phone rings]

+

Jerry: Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know + what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, + that's a long story.

+

[Newman enters]

+

Jerry: Hello Newman.

+

Margaret: Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was. +

+

Jerry: No, no I don't. Why?

+

Margaret: You know, Genderson. This is something big.

+

Jerry: I suppose.

+

Margaret: What did Kramer say?

+

Jerry: I don't know. Nothing.?

+

Margaret: Come on Jerry. You know something TELL ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates + . . . Margaret?

+

Margaret: Hello.

+

Jerry: You two know each other?

+

Newman: You might say that.

+

Margaret: We used to go out.

+

Newman: Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye + Jerry. Have fun. Hehe

+

Jerry: . . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?

+

Margaret: Just a few times.

+

Jerry: Why?

+

Margaret: I liked him.

+

Jerry: You liked, Newman?

+

Margaret: Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay?

+

Jerry: No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop + seeing him.

+

Margaret: He ended it.

+

Jerry: . . . HE ended it?

+

Margaret: YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter? +

+

Jerry: No, no of course not.

+

[Kramer enters]

+

Kramer: Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.

+

Jerry: What tee?

+

Kramer: A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.

+

[Monk's]

+

Jerry: Newman! She went out with Newman!

+

Elaine: It must be a mistake.

+

Jerry: No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that + she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? + He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. + Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did + see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing + her?

+

Elaine: Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.

+

Jerry: No, there's less.

+

Elaine: It's possible.

+

Jerry: No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.

+

Elaine: He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

+

Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

+

Wx: Would you like some more coffee?

+

Jerry: No,, but thank you.

+

Jerry: Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got + your pencil.

+

Elaine: Ugh! You are kidding me.

+

Jerry: No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor + and got it.

+

Elaine: I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.

+

Jerry: Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it.

+

Elaine: To please Mr. Pitt.

+

Jerry: Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited. +

+

Elaine: Uh, great!

+

Jerry: Hi Julie.

+

Jerry: Hi.

+

Elaine: Hi Julie.

+

Jerry: Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here.

+

Elaine: Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me + buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.

+

Jerry: How do you know THAT?

+

[Newman's apartment]

+

[knock knock]

+

Newman: Who is it.

+

Jerry: It's Jerry.

+

Newman: You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later?

+

Jerry: Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!

+

Newman: Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the + east wing?

+

Jerry: Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret?

+

Newman: There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?

+

Jerry: No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little + rat's nest. Now, what happened?

+

Newman: Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what + Happened. She wasn't my type.

+

Jerry: Noit your type?

+

Newman: Not really.

+

Jerry: Well, how come?

+

Newman: Ah, she just didn't do it for me.

+

Jerry: What, what is wrong with her?

+

Newman: Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.

+

Jerry: You don't think she's attractive?

+

Newman: No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me.

+

Jerry: Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.

+

Newman: Care for some lemonade?

+

Jerry: No, thank you.

+

Newman: Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha

+

[Jerry's apartment]

+

Kramer: Listen to this, "If a player cleans his ball during the + play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of + one stroke. " That's a rule, Jerry.

+

Jerry: But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler?

+

Kramer: Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing + up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well + I don't have to tell you what happened.

+

Jerry: What are you so worried about this for?

+

Kramer: You know he talked about Pinkus on the course?

+

Jerry: He did?

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and + they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus + denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus.

+

Jerry: So it had nothing to do with you.

+

Kramer: Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.

+

Jerry: No, I don't think so.

+

Kramer: Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.

+

Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think + Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I + like that.

+

Jerry: Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?

+

Kramer: Oh, I love curls.

+

Jerry: Yeah,, me too.

+

Kramer: All right, I'll see you later.

+

Jerry: Where you going?

+

Kramer: Genderson's.

+

Jerry: You're going to see Genderson?

+

Kramer: It's weighing on my conscience.

+

[Monk's]

+

George: You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were + dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender + thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?

+

Julie: Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine before.

+

George: A ha! We're just friends.

+

Julie: Yes, well anyway, she said something that was kind of intriguing. +

+

George: Oh, share.

+

Julie: Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about + how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make + up for the one you bought yesterday.

+

George: Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.

+

Julie: Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression + that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her? +

+

George: Well, she probably just assumed.

+

Julie: Um, did she?

+ +

George: . . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went + out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, + that it came from me?

+

Julie: That's what I'm suggesting.

+

George: . . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW + IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY + FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?

+

Julie: George, all I did was hand someone a bag.

+

[Julie leaves]

+

[Stationery store]

+

Elaine: It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil + right away.

+

Stationer: Well,, why did you tell me to order it if you knew you were + going to get one someplace else?

+

Elaine: No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.

+

Stationer: I went all the way down to the warehouse. It took me three + hours. I had a big fight with the foreman.

+

Elaine: Really? A fight with the foreman?

+

Stationer: Yes.

+

Elaine: Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.

+

Stationer: Yeah? Well, then how about going out with me tonight?

+

Elaine: Okay.

+

[In Margaret's car]

+

Margaret: I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody + walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is + overwhelming.

+

Jerry: You had how many dates with him? Three?

+

Margaret: Around three. I don't know.

+

Jerry: And . .

+

Margaret: I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung + up on him. What are you looking at?

+

Jerry: What? I'm not looking. Nothing.

+

Jerry: Why are you looking at my face?

+

Jerry: Where am I going to look?

+

Margaret: Kiss me.

+

Jerry: . . . I can't.

+

[Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off]

+

Jerry: Newman!

+

[Jerry's apartment]

+

Jerry: All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman + found this unacceptable.

+

Elaine: Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy.

+

Jerry: You're going out with the stationery store guy?

+

Elaine: I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no.

+

[George enters, upset]

+

Elaine: Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You + had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought + you the big salad. Didn't ya'.

+

Elaine: Uh, uh.

+

George: You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. + But you had to have the BIG SALAD.

+

[phone rings]

+

Jerry: Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get + out of here. [hangs up] Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for + Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey + Turnpike.

+

TV: As you can see white Bronco. The police have cleared the highway + traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't + want the situation to escalate. And we have gotten an identification on + the driver of the vehicle. His name is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing + buddies.

+

Police: 9-1-1 What are you reporting

+

Kramer: Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to + see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back + off.

+

Police: Okay, sir, and what's your name?

+

Kramer: My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit!

+

Genderson: I told you not to take the turnpike.

+

Kramer: I thought we would blend in.

+

Genderson: If we took the palisades this never have happened.

+

Kramer: we would have had all that bridge traffic.

+

Genderson: Ah, just drive.

+

[END]

+

 

+

Monologue
+ =========
+ (Jail?) doesn't really seem like that great of revenge. Wouldn't years + of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying? Constantly + calling him, hanging up when he answers the phone. Sending pizzas and + taxis to their house all night long. After a while he would go, "I + wish that guy would kill me already, I can't take it anymore." And + how come when the police catch some really bad criminal or something they + put him in the handcuffs, they hit him with the baton, they put the choke + hold on him, then they're always careful they don't want him to hurt his + head when they're putting him in the back of the patrol car. "Watch + your head, watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. . . . That + REALLY hurts"

+ + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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The Bizarro Jerry

+ +

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+ + [JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a + zoo.]

+

JERRY

+

All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.

+

GEORGE

+

Fine.

+

JERRY

+

They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet + as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their + circus?

+

GEORGE

+

I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

+

JERRY

+

But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the + whole planet!

+

GEORGE

+

I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' + their little alien heads in my mouth..

+

JERRY

+

[resigned] At least it's show business..

+

GEORGE

+

But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with + me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.

+

JERRY

+

What if she's got no interest in you?

+

GEORGE

+

W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take + a ride on a spaceship.

+

 

+

[time: 00:43]

+

[Commercial Break]

+

[Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building]

+

[Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" + as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.]

+

KRAMER

+

George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?

+

GEORGE

+

Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!

+

KRAMER

+

[frustrated] Wha??

+

JERRY

+

[dry] He knows.

+

GEORGE

+

{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, + like a jet engine! [imitates sound] Ha ha!

+

KRAMER

+

[impressed] Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you + later.

+

GEORGE

+

You sure?

+

JERRY

+

[dry] He knows.

+

[KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator + as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them.

+

She could be a model.]

+

GEORGE

+

Wow.

+

Nice.

+

JERRY

+

Why don't you try your engagement story?

+

GEORGE

+

[considers, but got into elevator] Won't work.

+

JERRY

+

Are you sure?

+

GEORGE

+

[wry] He knows.

+

[Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red + jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored,

+

dreading.]

+

ELAINE

+

Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd + be, better off just being.. friends. [takes a bite of her

+

sandwich]

+

KEVIN

+

Friends?

+

ELAINE

+

Well. I mean. [distracted by the food] Oh, god. This tuna tastes + like an old sponge.

+

KEVIN

+

Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like + you an' Jerry!

+

 

+

[Men's room door. Flush sound and "Wooo!".]

+

[Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as + KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.]

+

MAN

+

[frustrated] Damn thing is jammed again..

+

KRAMER

+

You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots + on 'em. [hits button several times and whacks it]

+

MAN #2

+

[rushing by, tense] Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference + room right now.

+

MAN

+

Come on, let's go.

+

KRAMER

+

[absently wants to be part of it] Oh, yeah--yeah.. [follows them]

+

 

+

[Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.]

+

ELAINE

+

[to JERRY] Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend + who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you

+

should give her a call.

+

JERRY

+

[doubtful] I don't know, do you have a--

+

[ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.]

+

JERRY

+

Not bad. Wuh--what does she--

+

ELAINE

+

[dry] I put her stats on the back.

+

JERRY

+

Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns + her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" [ELAINE + had

+

echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it]

+

GEORGE

+

Hnn! Let me see that.

+

JERRY

+

[hands it to him as he asks ELAINE] So how'd it go with Kevin? + Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?

+

ELAINE

+

[laughs in appreciation] You are not gonna believe this! I told + him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really

+

wants to be friends.

+

JERRY

+

Why would anybody want a friend.

+

ELAINE

+

[dread] Uh.

+

It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me + to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never

+

ever do.

+

JERRY

+

I mean all that stuff is so small..

+

[(ELAINE is wryly assessing him)]

+

stupid..

+

GEORGE

+

[still looking at that picture] You know if I told my engagement + story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiance..

+

JERRY

+

What?

+

GEORGE

+

Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe + living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been

+

inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already + been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come

+

and go as I please!

+

ELAINE

+

[wry, not impressed] Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you + were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to

+

move the whole damn forbidden city. [chuckles with JERRY]

+

GEORGE

+

[getting up] Can I keep this?

+

ELAINE

+

No, I need it.

+

GEORGE

+

[absently leaving with it] Thanks.

+

 

+

[The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator + to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).]

+

GEORGE

+

Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..

+

AMANDA

+

I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..

+

GEORGE

+

[taking out wallet] Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', + make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh!

+

Seems--oh! I, oh! [has conveniently dropped the photo into her + view]

+

AMANDA

+

Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?

+

GEORGE

+

[humble] Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiance, Susan. + May she rest in peace.

+

AMANDA

+

Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.

+

GEORGE

+

[shaking hands] I'm George.

+

[As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.]

+ +

MAN3

+

Good work today, K-man!

+

KRAMER

+

Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell + the sizzle.

+

MAN3

+

Heh, heh!

+

KRAMER

+

{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}

+

MAN3

+

In that case, make mine a double!

+

[They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.]

+

[Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.]

+

GILLIAN

+

Jerry?

+

JERRY

+

Gillian. Hiii..

+

GILLIAN

+

Very nice to meet you.

+

JERRY

+

It's nice to meet you!

+

[They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice + enough, but big, beefy.]

+

[Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.]

+

JERRY

+

She had man-hands.

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] Man, Hands?

+

JERRY

+

The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, + I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

+

ELAINE

+

[weary] {Look,} would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?

+

JERRY

+

Would she have hooks?

+

ELAINE

+

Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?

+

JERRY

+

Kinda cool lookin'..

+

ELAINE

+

[getting up to go] Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my {place + tomorrow}--

+

JERRY

+

[leaving too] Yeah. Yeah.

+

ELAINE

+

Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of {buttons}.

+

JERRY

+

Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can + call--

+

ELAINE

+

[weary] Jerry!

+

[Early morning in Jerry's "house," a tea kettle is whistling. + KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom,

+

tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit + and oven mitts.]

+

JERRY

+

Kramer?!

+

KRAMER

+

Hey buddy! Hey!

+

JERRY

+

It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!

+

KRAMER

+

Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.

+

JERRY

+

Why??

+

KRAMER

+

Because I'm workin' there, that's why.

+

JERRY

+

[disoriented] How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?

+

KRAMER

+

Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, + aimlessly?

+

JERRY

+

[snaps fingers] Now that you mention it.

+

KRAMER

+

But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' + at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people + I'm

+

workin' with.

+

JERRY

+

How much are they payin' you?

+

KRAMER

+

Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay.

+

I'm doin' this just for me.

+

JERRY

+

Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?

+

KRAMER

+

T.C.B.

+

You know, takin' care o' business.

+

Aa--I gotta go.

+

JERRY

+

All right.

+

KRAMER

+

[leaving] I'll see you tonight, huh? [turning back, grabs his briefcase] + Forget my briefcase.

+

JERRY

+

W-w-wha' you got in there?

+

KRAMER

+

[as he leaves with it] Crackers.

+

[MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning Train (Nine to Five)") + accompanies assorted shots of working-man KRAMER:

+

Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction).

+

Washing his shoes at the water cooler.

+

Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase.

+

Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.]

+

 

+

[JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.]

+

JERRY

+

So the picture worked. Amazing!

+

GEORGE

+

Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, + what is that?

+

JERRY

+

I don't know, but you don't have it.

+

GEORGE

+

Right. Bye.

+

[ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know + why so shrugs back.]

+

ELAINE

+

Where were you today?

+

JERRY

+

What?

+

ELAINE

+

Pick. Up.

+

JERRY

+

[whispers] Damn.

+

ELAINE

+

So? Where were you?!

+

JERRY

+

Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.

+

ELAINE

+

[irritated, throwing down her bag] I had to ask Kevin, to leave + his office an' come an' pick me up!

+

JERRY

+

So? What are friends for?

+

ELAINE

+

Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. + He's like your, exact opposite.

+

JERRY

+

So he's Bizarro Jerry!

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] Bizarro Jerry?

+

JERRY

+

Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives + in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is

+

Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" + when he arrives.

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite + of "Good bye"?

+

JERRY

+

No. It's still a goodbye.

+

ELAINE

+

Uh. Does he live underwater?

+

JERRY

+

No.

+

ELAINE

+

Is he black..

+

JERRY

+

Look. Just, forget it, {already}. All right?

+

[KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.]

+

KRAMER

+

Wow. Man. What a day.

+

Could I use a drink. [starts getting a drink and ice]

+

JERRY

+

Tough day at the office?

+

KRAMER

+

Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.

+

JERRY

+

Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock + cold fusion.

+

KRAMER

+

Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' + my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine,

+

I'm toast.. [{takes a swig and reacts}]

+

 

+

[Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon "V"s on the + outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous

+

women and GEORGE and AMANDA.]

+

GEORGE

+

This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing + plant!

+

[Three female MODELS come up to them.]

+

MODEL #1

+

Hey! Amanda!

+

AMANDA

+

These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to + model together.

+

GEORGE

+

Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. [to self in head] + Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

+

AMANDA

+

So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?

+

MODEL #2

+

[petulant] A bore.

+

GEORGE

+

You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiance, Susan.. [opening + wallet] In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..

+

[shows them the picture]

+

MODEL #3

+ +

[awed] Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?

+

 

+

[Exterior of a restaurant.]

+

[Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.] +

+

[GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his + horror of her hands.]

+

GILLIAN

+

Would you like some bread, Jerry?

+

JERRY

+

No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.

+

GILLIAN

+

Well, then at least drink your beer.. [she's opening the bottle--brief + closeup on hands]

+

JERRY

+

[to self] It's not a... Twist off.

+

GILLIAN

+

You have a little something on your face.

+

JERRY

+

I can get it. [feeling his face]

+

GILLIAN

+

Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. [reaches over]

+

[A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small + thing. He's uneasy.]

+

GILLIAN

+

[friendly] It's an eyelash. Make a wish.

+

[Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.]

+

JERRY

+

I don't want to.

+

GILLIAN

+

Make a wish.

+

JERRY

+

Okay. [closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self] + Didn't come true.

+

GILLIAN

+

[smiles at him] Don't you just love lobster?

+

[Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.]

+

[Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.]

+

KEVIN

+

That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.

+

ELAINE

+

I know, he's so tiny!

+

[Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning + ELAINE to come along.]

+

KEVIN

+

Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my + friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call

+

"Feldman!"

+

[GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little + goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.]

+

ELAINE

+

[to self in head] Bizarro world..

+

 

+

[time: 10:33]

+

[Commercial Break]

+

[Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.]

+

GEORGE

+

[delighted] Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye + could see!

+

JERRY

+

Then it does exist.

+

GEORGE

+

Yes. The legends are true.

+

JERRY

+

So when are you goin' out with this girl again?

+

GEORGE

+

I'm not! I'm inside the walls!

+

JERRY

+

So you're gonna burn that bridge.

+

GEORGE

+

Flame on!

+

 

+

[Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE + comes and sits with them.]

+

GENE

+

[about the check] I got it.

+

KEVIN

+

[grabs it] No. You got it last time.

+

GENE

+

[calmly takes it] Don't worry about it.

+

ELAINE

+

[to self in head] This is unbelievable..

+

FELDMAN

+

Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically + tells you the weather when you wake up?

+

ELAINE

+

Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!

+

FELDMAN

+

Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.

+

KEVIN

+

[getting up] Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta + get down 'o the library. [the three guys are leaving]

+

ELAINE

+

What are you gonna do down there?

+

KEVIN

+

Read!

+

ELAINE

+

[pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave] Hello?

+

 

+

[At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired, + preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe

+

eating cereal and orange juice.]

+

JERRY

+

So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.

+

KRAMER

+

Uh-huh.

+

JERRY

+

Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.

+

KRAMER

+

Yeah..

+

JERRY

+

Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.

+

KRAMER

+

That's nice..

+

JERRY

+

Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We + hardly even talk!

+

KRAMER

+

Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

+

JERRY

+

I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

+

KRAMER

+

Oh here we go--

+

JERRY

+

An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we + never do anything anymore!

+

KRAMER

+

What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time + o' year?!

+

JERRY

+

[pause] It's your third day..

+

KRAMER

+

[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about + this later. [leaves]

+

JERRY

+

Well.

+

[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!

+

[ELAINE's arrived.]

+

ELAINE

+

What? What is goin' on with you two?

+

JERRY

+

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..

+

ELAINE

+

All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- [sees address book + on counter] --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later.

+

[leaving]

+

JERRY

+

Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever + see you anymore.

+

ELAINE

+

[stops, pause] Well, I.

+

[a little ashamed] I guess I been at Reggie's..

+

JERRY

+

The Bizarro coffeeshop?

+

ELAINE

+

Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They + read..

+

JERRY

+

I read.

+

ELAINE

+

Books, Jerry.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] Oh.

+

Big deal..

+

ELAINE

+

Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking + apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating

+

minutia, of every, single, daily event..

+

JERRY

+

{What's goin' on,} like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, + an' the teller gives me this look, like--

+

ELAINE

+

I'll see you later man. I gotta go.

+

JERRY

+

[frustrated, to self] The whole system is breakin' down!

+

[GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's + picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup + of

+

Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts + the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the

+

sink--the dryer's still running.]

+

GEORGE

+

Hello?

+

Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just + be better of bein' friends.

+

Yeah.

+

Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now.

+

Bye-bye. [hangs up]

+

[happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo] No! No! +

+

[At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.]

+

GILLIAN

+

Friends. Just friends.

+

JERRY

+

Yeah.

+

GILLIAN

+

Yeah.

+

All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?

+

JERRY

+

I wish I could, but, we're friends..

+ +

GILLIAN

+

I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.

+

JERRY

+

Good idea. [phone's ringing, goes to it]

+

[muttering] There's a beach towel on the rack..

+

[to phone] Yeah.

+

GEORGE

+

[frantic] Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! + An' I need another one or I can't get back into the

+

forbidden city!

+

JERRY

+

[to drive him crazy] Who is this..

+

GEORGE

+

Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' + you!

+

JERRY

+

[pause] If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' + show me a good time?

+

GEORGE

+

Yes! Yes, all right--anything!

+

[JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's + got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks

+

around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.]

+

JERRY

+

Got it. [but now a man-hand grabs his arm] Uh!

+

 

+

[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting + up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]

+

KRAMER

+

Jerry. Hey Jerry?

+

JERRY

+

I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right + hand]

+

You're late.

+

KRAMER

+

Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

+

JERRY

+

Like you care.

+

KRAMER

+

The work piled up, I lost track of time--

+

JERRY

+

[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' + your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only

+

calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this + plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into

+

sink] was, for two.

+

KRAMER

+

You cooked?

+

JERRY

+

[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.

+

KRAMER

+

[in pain] Ow! Jeez!

+

JERRY

+

What's wrong?

+

KRAMER

+

{Ow!} It's my stomach.

+

JERRY

+

You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's + killing Us.

+

KRAMER

+

[putting briefcase down] You know what? You're right. These reports, + they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out

+

tonight? Any place you want.

+

JERRY

+

The coffeeshop?

+

KRAMER

+

You got it, buddy.

+

JERRY

+

[pleased] I'll call George!

+

 

+

[Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street. + Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a

+

shop by a liquor store.]

+

JERRY

+

Hey. Isn't that Elaine?

+

GEORGE

+

[quiet, desperate] Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands.

+

[calling] Elaine!

+

JERRY

+

Elaine!

+

KRAMER

+

Elaine!

+

ALL THREE

+

Elaine! Elaine!

+

[ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction, + three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and

+

FELDMAN.]

+

KEVIN

+

Hey! Elaine!

+

Hi-i! Over here!

+

[Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN + continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To

+

the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of + her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like

+

a bizarre mirroring.]

+

ELAINE

+

Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.

+

[The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..", "Good to meet + you.."]

+

JERRY

+

[quietly crept out] This is really weird..

+

[KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.]

+

ELAINE

+

[diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN] Could you guys excuse + us, just for a moment.

+

KEVIN

+

Sure. [strolls away with his friends]

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] Thanks. [to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER] What.. what do you + guys want..

+

GEORGE

+

Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.

+

JERRY

+

I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of + the socket!

+

[While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where + KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar

+

money.]

+

KEVIN

+

{Here ya are.}

+

ELAINE

+

[pause, turns back to JERRY et al.] Guys. I gotta go.

+

Take it easy.

+

[GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.]

+

GEORGE

+

Elaine?

+

[she turns, sighing]

+

Can I come?

+

ELAINE

+

I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..

+

[KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she + joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY,

+

GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.]

+

 

+

[Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's + a greying man.]

+

KRAMER

+

What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?

+

LELAND

+

Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.

+

KRAMER

+

Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you + know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..

+

LELAND

+

No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports + you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at + all..

+

I don't know what this is supposed to be!

+

KRAMER

+

Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..

+

LELAND

+

Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.

+

KRAMER

+

I don't even really work here!

+

LELAND

+

That's what makes this so difficult.

+

 

+

[Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.]

+

GEORGE

+

Hi. George.

+

MODEL #4

+

Are you sure you're supposed to be here?

+

GEORGE

+

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiance, + back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her

+

picture. [hands her a magazine page]

+

MODEL #4

+

What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?

+

GEORGE

+

Huh?

+

MODEL #5

+

That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..

+

GEORGE

+

Ha! Heh.

+

[Muscled BOUNCER comes up.]

+

BOUNCER

+

Let's go. Private party. [escorts him out]

+

 

+

[Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to + get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout

+

and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in + Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have + more

+

earth tones.]

+

KEVIN

+

Who is it?

+

ELAINE

+

[off-camera] It's Lainey!

+

KEVIN

+

[unlocks, opens door]

+

Hi Elaine! [warmly hugs her]

+

ELAINE

+

Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!

+

KEVIN

+

Come on in!

+

ELAINE

+

Okay. Hi Gene! [comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls + on the floor] Uh-ha! [smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair

+

that's to the right]

+

[As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how + + everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall.

+

There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He + has whole foods, not cereal boxes.]

+

ELAINE

+

What's up?

+

KEVIN

+

[friendly] Just reading..

+

[ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator + and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the

+

living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro + Superman on a stereo speaker.]

+

KEVIN

+

Hey.. What're you doing?

+

ELAINE

+

Eatin' olives.

+

KEVIN

+

Have you ever heard of asking? [door bell rings]

+

Who is it?

+

FELDMAN

+

[off-screen] Feldman..

+

From across the hall.

+

KEVIN

+

[drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door] Hold on. [unlocks + and opens door]

+

Hey.

+

FELDMAN

+

He-ey, Kevin!

+

KEVIN

+

Hi.

+

FELDMAN

+

Look who I ran into.

+

[VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.]

+

VARGUS

+

[testy] Hello, Kevin..

+

KEVIN

+

[testy] Hello, Vargus..

+

[They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.]

+

KEVIN

+

Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?

+

VARGUS

+

Great! I'll see ya later! [leaves]

+

KEVIN

+

Okay. [to self, smiling] Vargus..

+

[to FELDMAN] {So?}

+

FELDMAN

+

I got 'em..

+

KEVIN

+

All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets + to the Bolshoi!

+

ELAINE

+

Oh! [comes to him]

+

KEVIN

+

[enthused] Fourth row, center.

+

ELAINE

+

Get out! [pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!]

+

[GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!]

+

GENE

+

[to ELAINE] What is the matter with you?

+

ELAINE

+

Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

+

GENE?

+

Haven't you done enough already?

+

[Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks + are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the

+

locks.]

+

ELAINE

+

[turning to them, awkward] It's locked..

+

[The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The + walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there

+

are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They + are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps

+

into a side of beef in his distraction.]

+

JERRY

+

So this is it, huh?

+

GEORGE

+

But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really + here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..

+

JERRY

+

[dry] I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?

+

[really disappointed] Get out of here George.

+

[Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the + magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.]

+

[time: 10:52]

+

[Commercial Break]

+

[Day, exterior of an apartment building. As credits run, the familiar + Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny "Brady

+

Bunch"-esque sound effects.]

+

[Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.]

+

GENE

+

At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that + has free long distance.

+

KEVIN

+

Oh, so what did you do?

+

GENE

+

I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.

+

KEVIN

+

Nice.

+

[doorbell rings]

+

Who is it?

+

FELDMAN

+

[off-screen] Feldman..

+

From across the hall.

+

KEVIN

+

[smiles, relieved] Hold on.

+

[GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. + FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.]

+

FELDMAN

+

Kevin! Brought some groceries.

+

KEVIN

+

Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!

+

FELDMAN

+

Hey, what are friends for?

+

KEVIN

+

You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best + friends a guy could have.

+

[They have a long smarmy group hug.]

+

KEVIN

+

[eyes closed in hug] Oh.

+

Me so happy. Me want to cry.

+

<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"> + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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The Blood

+ +

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+ + Transcribed by: Juha Auvinen

+

 Episode #904
+ Originally Aired: October 16, 1997
+

+

Cast:
+ Jerry Seinfeld....................... Jerry Seinfeld
+ Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
+ Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
+ Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

+

Guest starring:
+ Kellie Vaymire [ Vivian ]
+ Audrey Kissel [ Tara ]
+ Colton James [ Jimmy ]
+ Gene Dynarsky [ Izzy Jr. ]
+ Yvonne Farrow [ Employee ]
+ Lloyd Bridges [ Izzy Mandelbaum ]

+

Written by: Dan O'Keefe
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

===================================================

+

[Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.]

+

Jerry: Are you sure you can't stay longer?

+

Morty: No, we just came for the funeral. `

+

Helen: Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.

+

Jerry: He was 96 years old.

+

Morty: That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape.

+

Helen: That's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block + three times a week.

+

Morty: And every morning I eat a plum.

+

Jerry: Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out.

+

Helen: What about you?

+

Morty: Yeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger. +

+

Jerry: Really?

+

[Kramer comes in]

+

Kramer: Hey, Seinfelds!

+

Morty: Hey, Mr. Kramer!

+

Kramer: How long are you staying?

+

Helen: We just came down for a funeral.

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. + If he could go...

+

Helen: See you downstairs with the car.

+

Jerry: Are you sure you don't need a hand with that?

+

Morty: No no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here.

+

[Morty and Helen leave. Kramer pulls out a band aid from his arm.]

+

Jerry: Did you give blood?

+

Kramer: No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. + Just in case.

+

Jerry: In case of what?

+

Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts + to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.

+

Jerry: Are we finished?

+

Kramer: Done.

+

----------------------------------------------------------

+

[Elaine is visiting her friend Vivian.]

+

Vivian: Elaine, I'm so glad you came out.

+

Elaine: Yeah...

+

Vivian: You haven't seen Jimmy for years.

+

Elaine: I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, + you know all lurchy and awkward.

+

Vivian: Actually, I'm gonna need someone to look after him tomorrow evening. +

+

Elaine: Tomorrow evening, sure.

+

Vivian: Do you know anyone responsible?

+

Elaine: Do I know anyone??

+

Vivian: Well, if you think of anybody, give me a call.

+

---------------------------------------------------------

+

[George is with his girlfriend Tara. She is lighting a candle.]

+

George: What are you doing?

+

Tara: Incense, for the mood.

+

George: Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything + I can do to lend support to the mood.

+

[Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.]

+

George: Um, cream soda?

+

Tara: Vanilla.

+

-----------------------------------------------------------

+

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and Elaine.]

+

Elaine: Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible?

+

Jerry: Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first + thing they ask is: who's responsible for this?

+

Elaine: I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around. +

+

[George comes to the table and starts eating Jerry's fries.]

+

Jerry: What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight?

+

George: I was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell + drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. + We need some pudding here! Pudding!

+

Elaine: You just left? What did you tell her?

+

George: I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another + hour.

+

Jerry: What?

+

George: I don't know, I was starving Jerry!

+

[Waitress bring pudding to George.]

+

George: Oh, pudding! You want some?

+

Jerry: Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?

+

George: What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding + needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it + on the stove.

+

Jerry: Elaine, what do you think?

+

Elaine: I think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself. +

+

--------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Kramer is at the County Blood Bank.]

+

Kramer: My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your + hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood + elsewhere, yeah.

+

Bank employee: Well, we can transfer to another bank for you.

+

Kramer: Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer + with...my money!

+

---------------------------------------------------------

+

[George and Tara.]

+

George: So eh, what do you say?

+

Tara: I guess we could use some food in our lovemaking.

+

George: Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, + your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey...

+

Tara: Wait wait wait, pastrami on rye with mustard?

+

George: Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie + 9 weeks? Remember the pastrami scene?

+

Tara: No.

+

George: Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked! +

+

[George takes a big bite and charges on to Tara.]

+

--------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Monk's Cafe, Jerry and George.]

+

Jerry: Didn't go for it, huh?

+

George: No.

+

Jerry: So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured + meats?

+

George: She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, + it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's + only natural to combine them.

+

Jerry: Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man + and a sandwich.

+

George: Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral. +

+

Jerry: Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about + satisfying one of somebody else's.

+

George: Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin + from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto + knife.

+

Jerry: I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification + program. Keep all that kind of food away from me.

+

George: Well, I guess these would be out of the question. [pulls out + two pudding skins in plastic bags.]

+

Jerry: What the hell is that?

+

George: Pudding skin singles.

+

-------------------------------------------------------------

+

[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]

+

Kramer: Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.

+

Jerry: Oh, why?

+

Kramer: I closed down my account at the blood bank.

+

Jerry: What, it...it's here in the building?

+

Kramer: Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see?

+

Jerry: No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should + find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out. +

+

Kramer: You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly.

+

[Elaine comes in.]

+

Elaine: Hey, working out?

+

Jerry: You know it and I ditched all my junk food.

+

[Kramer looks to the fridge.]

+

Kramer: What the heck is going on here?

+

Jerry: Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food.

+

Kramer: Well, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it.

+

Elaine: Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her + mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other + someone.

+

Jerry: Is this about me?

+

Elaine: No.

+

Jerry: Oh, then I lost interest.

+

[Elaine calls on the phone.]

+

Elaine: Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your + message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...[hands the phone to Kramer.] +

+

Kramer: For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. + [puts the phone down] Well, somebody's baby-sitting.

+

Elaine: You? I'm more responsible than you are!

+

Kramer: Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to + fill my freezer with my own blood.

+ +

--------------------------------------------------------

+

[George is in bed with Tara. He reaches to the drawer for some sandwich.] +

+

George: Oh, Tara!

+

-----------------------------------------------------------

+

[Kramer comes to the Vivian's house and bangs the screen door.]

+

Kramer: Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.

+

[Elaine comes and taps him on the back.]

+

Elaine: Kramer...

+

Kramer: Don't take my money!

+

Elaine: It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, + I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid.

+

Kramer: No, I'm the baby-sitter.

+

Elaine: No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road.

+

[Vivian comes to open the door and Elaine pushes Kramer off the porch.] +

+

Vivian: Elaine? What are you doing here?

+

Elaine: Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help + out...[Kramer moans from the bushes] what's that, some raccoon or something...[hits + Kramer with a broom.]

+

Vivian: Well, I guess this would be all right. Jimmy, you remember Elaine? + She's gonna watch you tonight.

+

Elaine: Hi Jimmy. [Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.] Ouch! [The screen + door hits her in the head.]

+

----------------------------------------------------------

+

[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]

+

Jerry: Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting + at Vivian's.

+

Kramer: There was an incident.

+

Jerry: Oh no, where's the blood? [opens the fridge] It's in here isn't + it?

+

Kramer: Would you stop it.

+

Jerry: What is this?

+

Kramer: It's Jell-O.

+

Jerry: What about this? This is blood isn't it?!

+

Kramer: This is tomato juice, look...[drinks from the bottle.]

+

Jerry: Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!!

+

Kramer: Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He + let me put it in his meat freezer.

+

Jerry: Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding?

+

Kramer: Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding + skin singles. They're delicious.

+

Jerry: Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here + anymore...

+

[Jerry hits a spatula on the table and one Exacto knife flies through + the air.]

+

Kramer: Heads up!

+

Jerry: Aaah...

+

--------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Elaine is on the baby-sitting gig and Jimmy is shooting her with a toy + gun.]

+

Jimmy: You're dead, president Lincoln! You're dead!

+

Elaine: I wish I was dead.

+

Jimmy: Can I have your juice?

+

Elaine: As long as you don't put...

+

[Jimmy pours the juice to Elaine's bag.]

+

Elaine: Thanks for the re-fill.

+

[Jimmy runs laughing from the room and Vivian comes in.]

+

Vivian: Hey, Elaine! How did it go?

+

Elaine: Oh, he's...he's a joy...

+

Vivian: Really? Some sitter have told me he's bit of a handful.

+

Elaine: Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day.

+

Vivian: Oh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've been having a few health + problems lately.

+

Elaine: It's not serious, is it?

+

Vivian: Well, it might be. Just in case anything does happen, it's nice + to know there's somebody like you around.

+

Elaine: Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. [Pours the juice from + the bag back to glass.]

+

--------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Jerry wakes up at the hospital. Kramer is staring at him up close.] +

+

Jerry: Aah!

+

Kramer: It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.

+

Jerry: I can see that! What happened?

+

Kramer: That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody + yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up.

+

Jerry: I'll remember that.

+

Kramer: Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood. +

+

Jerry: What?

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.

+

[Jerry starts screaming and Kramer joins him.]

+

--------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]

+

George: Three pints of Kramer's blood?

+

Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood. +

+

George: Well, so much for purification week.

+

Jerry: So, how's the fornicating gourmet?

+

George: Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg + and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that + would really be the ultimate.

+

Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

+

[Elaine comes in.]

+

Elaine: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey, how was baby-sitting?

+

Elaine: Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical + problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.

+

Jerry: Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.

+

Elaine: It doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors + mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world. +

+

George: She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on + a baby-sitting gig.

+

Jerry: Really?

+

----------------------------------------------------------

+

[5A, Kramer and Jerry.]

+

Kramer: Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all + bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave + it for me, huh?

+

Jerry: I'm not touching that thing.

+

Kramer: Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood + brother.

+

Jerry: Oh, no...

+

Kramer: What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, [takes + Jerry hand] hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...

+

Jerry: Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.

+

Kramer: So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because + I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table! +

+

Jerry: All right, all right I'll do it, sit down.

+

Kramer: No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, + we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right?

+

[Kramer leaves. Jerry phone rings and he answers.]

+

Jerry: Hello?

+

[It's Helen and Morty.]

+

Helen: Kramer called, he told that you were in a hospital.

+

Jerry: Kramer called you?

+

Helen: He calls every week. Are you all right?

+

Jerry: Yes, I'm fine.

+

Helen: He says he's fine.

+

Morty: Tell him to eat a plum.

+

Helen: Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought + you some session with a personal trainer.

+

Jerry: I don't need a personal trainer. [Kramer comes in] all right I've + got to go, we'll talk about this later.

+

Morty: Plum...[Jerry hangs up.]

+

Jerry: Why are you calling my parents?

+

Kramer: Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, + is it all right if I watch a tape in here?

+

Jerry: Why here?

+

Kramer: Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.

+

Jerry: Ok...

+

Kramer: Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed + is really nice?

+

Jerry: Fine...

+

Kramer: Ok!

+

[Newman runs in with two boxes of popcorn.]

+

Jerry: No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!

+

Kramer: Blood!

+

Jerry: All right.

+

[Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Izzy Mandelbaum.]

+

Izzy: Hello, dough boy.

+

Jerry: Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer?

+

Izzy: I'm here to whip you in to shape, so grab your jocks - if you need + one. It's go-time.

+

---------------------------------------------------------

+

[Elaine is on another baby-sitting gig at Vivian's. Vivian comes in and + Elaine is sleeping on the couch, smoking a cigar.]

+

Vivian: Elaine? Elaine?

+

Elaine: Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in.

+

Vivian: Where's Jimmy?

+

Elaine: I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then + eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running + around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you + I'm no good watching that kid.

+

Vivian: Sleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're the best.

+

Elaine: No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job + or keep a man!

+

Vivian: Be quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow?

+

Elaine: All right, but I'm running out of purses here. [takes her purse + from a punch ball.]

+

--------------------------------------------------------

+

[The Gladiator Gym. Jerry and Mr. Mandelbaum.]

+

Jerry: Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do?

+

Izzy: Drop your purse, and pick up that medicine ball.

+

Jerry: Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum?

+

Izzy: Not funny, over your head with it. Are you ready?

+

Jerry: For what?

+

Izzy: All aboard in the pain train!

+

[Izzy starts hitting Jerry's stomach with weak taps.]

+

Jerry: How many session did my parents paid for?

+

Izzy: Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil.

+

---------------------------------------------------------

+

[George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich]

+

George: Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight!

+

Tara: Oh, George!

+

George: And now for the trifecta. [Picks up a hand held TV and gets back + under the covers.]

+

Tara: George? George? What are you doing?! [Pulls the covers off. George + is eating a sandwich and watching TV.]

+

George: Pleasuring you?

+

-----------------------------------------------------------

+

[5A. Kramer and Newman are making sausages. Tape recorder plays Jackie + Davis: Manana. Jerry comes in.]

+

Jerry: What is this?

+

Kramer: We're making sausages.

+

[Jerry stops the tape.]

+

Jerry: I thought you were gonna watch a video.

+ +

Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages. +

+

Jerry: Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this.

+

Kramer: All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and + haul these beauties out of here.

+

[Kramer starts the tape again and he and Newman leave.]

+

Jerry: Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter + house.

+

[Izzy Mandelbaum comes in with a plywood plate.]

+

Izzy: Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. [Looks + at the sausages] What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet?

+

Jerry: No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...

+

Izzy: Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch.

+

-------------------------------------------------------

+

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]

+

Jerry: So, the free love buffet is over?

+

George: I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. +

+

Jerry: Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session + with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.

+

[George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.]

+

Jerry: What's going on?

+

George: I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.

+

Jerry: Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food + and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.

+

George: I think you're right. You gonna eat that?

+

Jerry: No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.

+

[Elaine comes in]

+

Elaine: Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major + inconvenience.

+

George: These fries are really really good...

+

Jerry: All right, that's enough of that. [Jerry takes the plates and + hands them to a waitress.]

+

Elaine: I mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to + Jimmy's birthday party.

+

George: Uuh, sleepy.

+

Elaine: No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid. +

+

Jerry: Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you. +

+

Elaine: Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.

+

[Kramer comes in.]

+

Kramer: Why did you get rid of that sausage?

+

Jerry: It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.

+

Kramer: Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. + Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car? +

+

Jerry: What's wrong with yours?

+

Kramer: I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad. +

+

Jerry: All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even! +

+

Kramer: All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to + your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your + bed.

+

--------------------------------------------------------

+

[Jerry's car. Kramer is taking the blood to the bank. Manaja song is + playing.]
+ [Kramer looks at the car's thermometer and it gets on hot.]

+

Kramer: Oh, man...[looks to the glove compartment for a manual.] "If + the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner". Never, + I can't do that.

+

[Engine begins to smoke.]

+

Kramer: Oh, mama...

+

[Kramer stops and opens the hood.]

+

Kramer: Shees, come on...[opens the radiator]..this thing is bone dry. + [Looks at the blood.]

+

----------------------------------------------------

+

[Elaine is visiting Vivian.]

+

Elaine: Vivian...

+

Vivian: Elaine!

+

Elaine: Hi! This is my friend George.

+

Vivian: Hi...

+

Elaine: I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.

+

Vivian: Ok.

+

Elaine whispers to George: You're up.

+

Vivian: Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic?

+

George: Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her. +

+

Vivian: Really, why?

+

George: Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents + in Redding Pennsylvania.

+

Vivian: Her grandparent passed away five years ago.

+

George: Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to + Scotland.

+

Vivian: She's American citizen, I have seen her passport.

+

George: All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the + Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.

+

Vivian: I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere.

+

George: That's because it's underwater.

+

Vivian: This is insane.

+

George: Is it?

+

Vivian: Yes it it.

+

George: Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.

+

[Oven pings]

+

Vivian: You...very knowledgeable.

+

George: Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?

+

Vivian: Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all + the salted cured meats. Hungry?

+

George: Very.

+

[They kiss and fall down to the floor.]

+

Vivian: Oh, wait...[Vivian turns the TV on.] Oohh...

+

George: Vivian!!

+

--------------------------------------------------------

+

[Jerry's has belt and it's connected to the car with a rope. Izzy and + Izzy Jr. are in the car.]

+

Jerry: Is this really necessary?

+

Izzy: If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a + piece of meat.

+

Jerry: What if I can't keep up?

+

Izzy: You lie, you dry. Fire it up, son.

+

Izzy Jr.: Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...

+

Izzy and Izzy Jr: Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...[Izzy Jr. drives ahead, but + the car starts jerking]

+

Izzy: Move it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it! +

+

Jerry: What's going on?

+

Izzy Jr.: There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something + on my feet. Some kind of red liquid.

+

Jerry: Oh my God, the blood!

+

Izzy Jr.: Blood!!

+

[Izzy Jr. floors the gas pedal and Jerry falls down.]

+

Izzy: Get up boy, get up! We got a problem here! Tough it up. This is + for real, you've got to want it...

+

-----------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Jerry and Elaine in a hospital.]

+

Elaine: So how long did they drag you?

+

Jerry: Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just + doggin' it.

+

[George and Jimmy come in]

+

Elaine: Hi George. Hi Jimmy.

+

George: Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something. +

+

[Jimmy kicks George in to the shin.]

+

George: Ouch!

+

Jerry: What's the kid doing here?

+

George: I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't + make it.

+

Jerry: Oh, that's a drag...

+

[Kramer comes in.]

+

Kramer: That kid...

+

Jerry: You put blood in the car?!

+

Kramer: Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that + thing.

+

Jerry: Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you + again.

+

Kramer: You didn't get the blood from me.

+

Jerry: Then who?

+

[Newman comes in and he has band aid in his arm.]

+

Newman: Hello Jerry.

+

Jerry: Aaaaahhh...!!!

+

Jerry and Kramer: Aaaahhh...!!!

+

Jerry, Kramer and Newman: Aaaaahhh...!!!

+ + + + + + + +

 

+ + + + +
+ + + + +
+

Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact

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The Bookstore

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Donated by Ivy (Seinfeld10@aol.com)

+

 

+

Written by: Spike Feresten, Darin Henry, and Mark Jaffe

+

Directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

Broadcasted: April 9, 1998 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Len Lesser (as Uncle Leo), + Wayne

+

Knight (as Newman), John O'Hurley (as Peterman), and Jonathan Pennter

+

(as Zach).

+

 

+

 

+

 

+

[Setting: Bookstore]

+

(George and Jerry both enter a bookstore)

+

GEORGE: I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet + girls in New York.

+

JERRY: First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now + the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' + anybody.

+

(Kramer walks up to Jerry and George while leafing through a book)

+

KRAMER: Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over + to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) You better hurry.

+

GEORGE: I'm gonna hit the head.

+

KRAMER: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. + See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker + vehicles.

+

(George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his + way in)

+

KRAMER: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.

+

JERRY: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the + one she danced at last year?

+

KRAMER: (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.

+

JERRY: (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.

+

KRAMER: Oh? Who's Leo?

+

JERRY: Uncle Leo.

+

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..

+

(Kramer and Jerry both watch Leo looking at the books on a shelf. + Then, Leo takes a book and puts it under his coat)

+

JERRY: Did I just see that?!

+

KRAMER: (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, + huh?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Annual Peterman Party]

+

(Elaine is sitting alone at a table. Walter, a co-worker, comes + up to her)

+

WALTER: (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to + dance this year?

+

ELAINE: Maybe.. All over your face!

+

(A waiter serving food approaches Elaine)

+

WAITER: If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be + brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year.

+

(Elaine is looking both angry and embarrassed. Scene cuts to Peterman + giving a toast)

+

PETERMAN: My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians + of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and + popping sounds. The music

+

starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that + they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things + started. (Grabs a female

+

employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)

+

(Scene cuts back to Elaine's table. A fellow employee sits down + at Elaine's table)

+

ZACH: Hi, I'm Zach.

+

ELAINE: Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Bookstore]

+

(George casually puts the large book he took into the bathroom + with him on the shelf. A manager notices, and approaches him)

+

MANAGER: Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?

+

GEORGE: (Acting innocent) I'm all set.

+

MANAGER: (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?

+

GEORGE: (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to + hear?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(George and Jerry are at Monk's Coffee shop)

+

GEORGE: They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. + (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it + wasn't for the toilet, there

+

would be no books.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend + a lot of time in there.

+

GEORGE: They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded + by reading material. It's entrapment!

+

JERRY: (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) + 'French Impressionist Paintings'?

+

GEORGE: I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-

+

JERRY: (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.

+

GEORGE: Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when + there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?

+

JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at + the bookstore.

+

GEORGE: (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to + the man!

+

(Elaine enters and sits down)

+

JERRY: Sleeping in the caragain?

+

ELAINE: Cocktail flu.

+

JERRY: (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..

+

GEORGE: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?

+

ELAINE: (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. + There was this guy, and we had a few too many..

+

GEORGE: You went home with him?

+

ELAINE: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going + down!

+

JERRY: (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. + Did you end up xeroxing anything?

+

ELAINE: (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this + is to someone in my position?

+

JERRY: (Confused) What's your position?

+

ELAINE: I am an associate.

+

GEORGE: Hey, me too.

+

(A waitress, passing their table, speaks up)

+

WAITRESS: Yeah, me too.

+

ELAINE: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.

+

GEORGE: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.

+

ELAINE: (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what + everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.

+

JERRY: (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of + Skanko-Roman wrestling.

+

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry enters his apartment to find Newman and Kramer having a + conference at his table)

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and + sandwiches?

+

KRAMER: (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten.

+

NEWMAN: (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you + can clear some of this stuff out of the way.

+

KRAMER: Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the + table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're + gonna make it happen!

+

JERRY: (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.

+

KRAMER: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..

+

JERRY: (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.

+

NEWMAN: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!

+

JERRY: Yes, it can.

+

KRAMER: We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, + we're gonna have a whole fleet!

+

NEWMAN: It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt + or dander of the equine.

+

JERRY: So, who's gonna pull this thing?

+

(Kramer and Newman both look at eachother)

+

KRAMER: (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would.

+

NEWMAN: Yeah, but I though-

+

KRAMER: (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.

+

JERRY: (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, + isn't this an awkward moment?

+

KRAMER: (Brainstorming) What about the homeless?

+

NEWMAN: Can't we worry about them later?

+

KRAMER: (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.

+

NEWMAN: (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate + knowledge of the street..

+

KRAMER: They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap + something to them?!

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard + all day.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Uncle Leo enters, and joins Jerry at his booth)

+

LEO: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

+

JERRY: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?

+

LEO: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.

+

JERRY: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about + money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

+

LEO: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly + amending what he just said) But I'm not.

+

JERRY: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

+

LEO: Why didn't ya say hello?

+

JERRY: Because you were too busy stealing a book.

+

LEO: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.

+

JERRY: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.

+

LEO: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

+ +

JERRY: Who, criminals?

+

LEO: Senior citizens. No big deal.

+

JERRY: You could get arrested.

+

LEO: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his + stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. + What's my name? Will you take me

+

home?

+

JERRY: (Pleading) Leo..

+

LEO: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.

+

JERRY: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.

+

LEO: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody + answer that damn phone?!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Peterman office building hallway]

+

ELAINE: (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been + dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank?

+

WALTER: Well..

+

ELAINE: "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between + you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell.

+

(Elaine enters into the break room. There, she sees Zach making + out with another co-worker)

+

ELAINE: (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh..

+

WALTER: (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach?

+

ELAINE: Yeah.

+

WALTER: Aren't you upset?

+

ELAINE: (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC street]

+

(Kramer and Newman are standing there with a rickshaw. Close by + are three homeless guys in a line)

+

KRAMER: Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked + out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for + are motivated,

+

hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. + (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, + I don't caer where you're

+

from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But + you will have to be physically fit.

+

(One of the 2 remaining homeless men drops a bottle)

+

HOMELESS MAN: The government!

+

KRAMER: (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws + means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned + upper body.

+

(Kramer looks at the two confused guys) Or a shirt..

+

NEWMAN: Alright, who's first?

+

(The homeless man with a shirt raises his hand. Kramer pats him + on the shoulder - dust flies into the air)

+

KRMAER: Hey.

+

NEWMAN: Name, please.

+

HOMELESS MAN: Rusty.

+

NEWMAN: (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.

+

KRAMER: (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No + offence.

+

NEWMAN: (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the + block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what + you've got! Ok? Ready, and

+

go!

+

(Rusty takes off down the street with the rickshaw)

+

KRAMER: (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good + form.

+

NEWMAN: (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're + gonna have to do this all day for very little money.

+

(They both notice that Rusty is not stopping)

+

KRAMER: Hey, what's he doin'?

+

NEWMAN: I think he stealing our rickshaw!

+

KRAMER: Well, then, he's out!

+

(Newman stops his timer. The other homeless man is still standing + in line - alone)

+

HOMELESS MAN 2: (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!"

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Bookstore]

+

(Jerry and George are at Brentano's. George is trying to return + the book)

+

GEORGE: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.

+

CASHIER: (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we + can't take this book back.

+

GEORGE: Why not?

+

CASHIER: It's been flagged.

+

GEORGE: (Confused) Flagged?

+

CASHIER: It's been in the bathroom.

+

GEORGE: It says that on the computer?

+

CASHIER: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.

+

GEORGE: (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! + Because I love to read!

+

(George storms out. Jerry is about to follow until he sees Leo + stealing another book)

+

JERRY: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security + guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's + having a little problem with

+

shoplifting..

+

GUARD: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?

+

JERRY: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could + just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..

+

GAURD: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. + All units respond.

+

JERRY: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?

+

GUARD: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and + let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!

+

(Suddenly, Leo is surrounded by guards)

+

LEO: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!

+

GUARD: You're under arrest.

+

JERRY: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.

+

LEO: Jerry, you ratted me out?!

+

JERRY: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) + Hello?

+

LEO: Hello.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry is on the phone with his parents)

+

JERRY: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard + to scare him straight.

+

HELEN: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.

+

JERRY: (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.

+

MORTY: She's got priors.

+

JERRY: (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?

+

HELEN: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

+

MORTY: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.

+

JERRY: (Confused) What does that mean?

+

HELEN: Nobody pays for everyting.

+

JERRY: (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!

+

MORTY: Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so + quick.

+

JERRY: Mom, you too?

+

HELEN: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

+

(Kramer and Newman both enter)

+

JERRY: Alright, I'll talk to you later.

+

KRAMER: (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, + the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes + a noise), he bolted.

+

JERRY: (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all + homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.

+

KRAMER: (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from + him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.

+

NEWMAN: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. + I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.

+

(Newman and Kramer both go to leave)

+

JERRY: To the Idiotmobile!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth)

+

JERRY: So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, + he's cheating on you?

+

ELAINE: That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand + up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and + I'm the office-

+

JERRY: (Butting in) Tina Turner?

+

ELAINE: (Accepting) Alright.

+

(George enters with his large art book)

+

GEORGE: Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in + every database in town!

+

JERRY: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?

+

GEORGE: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try + on pants.

+

JERRY: (Stern on George) Not underpants.

+

ELAINE: Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.

+

(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check)

+

JERRY: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

+

LEO: (Bitter) Jerry.

+

JERRY: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know + about your.. past.

+

LEO: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays + me, I never forget!

+

JERRY: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!

+

(Elaine has picked up George's book, and is now thumbing through + it)

+

ELAINE: French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) + Now, what is the problem with this book?

+

GEORGE: Nothing.

+

ELAINE: How much do you want for it?

+

GEORGE: You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.

+

(Jerry has given up on Leo, and now rejoins Elaine and George at + the booth)

+

JERRY: Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine + looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?

+

GEORGE: (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence + Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.

+

JERRY: (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that + book.

+

ELAINE: (Confused) What is wrong with this book?

+

GEORGE: Simmer!

+

JERRY: That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the + bathroom with him and-

+

ELAINE: (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from + the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming + through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs

+

to the bathroom to wash her hands)

+

GEORGE: (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) + May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?

+

JERRY: I don't read in the bathroom.

+

GEORGE: Well, aren't you something?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Elaine's office]

+

(Peterman walks in)

+

PETERMAN: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.

+

ELAINE: (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little + performance in the break room.

+

PETERMAN: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room + to nibble on a love newton?

+

ELAINE: (Confused) Love newton?

+

PETERMAN: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's + + back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.

+

ELAINE: An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better!

+

PETERMAN: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the + one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled + his head with pseudoerotic

+

tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers + of places he could score near the hotel.

+

ELAINE: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning + on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!

+

PETERMAN: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. + Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his + side.

+

ELAINE: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-

+

PETERMAN: (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you + of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first + twenty-four hours are the worst.

+

Better bring a poncho.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

+

(Jerry is tossing and turning in his bed. Voices are going through + his head while he's trying to sleep)

+

HELEN: It was a crime of passion.

+

LEO: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.

+

HELEN: He won't last a day in prison.

+

(Now, Jerry has slipped into a dream. He visualizes Leo in prison + *NOTE* The following scene of Leo in jail is a parody of the movie + "Cape Fear")

+

LEO: (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right + hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) + Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right,

+

yelling out) Answer that damn phone!

+

(Scene cuts to Jerry, who is just now waking up to the phone's + ringing. He answers it)

+

JERRY: Hello?

+

ELAINE: Hey, it's me.

+

JERRY: Uncle Leo?

+

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?

+

JERRY: Nightmares. You?

+

ELAINE: My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.

+

ZACH: (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine!

+

ELAINE: Eat your soup!

+

JERRY: You're not feeding him, are you?

+

ELAINE: Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, + away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits + again - this time into the

+

bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta + go.

+

(Jerry hangs up, then tries to go back to sleep. Kramer walks in)

+

KRAMER: Hey, buddy.

+

JERRY: (Scared) Ah! Kramer!

+

KRAMER: I thought I heard you.

+

JERRY: Get out of here!

+

NEWMAN: (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's + bedroom) There you are.

+

JERRY: Will everybody please leave?!

+

NEWMAN: I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in + Battery Park.

+

KRAMER: Our rickshaw?

+

NEWMAN: It's entirely possible.

+

JERRY: I want everyone out!

+

KRAMER: (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's + kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.

+

NEWMAN: (To Jerry) Good night.

+

JERRY: (Bitter) Good night, Newman.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Park]

+

(Newman and Kramer both find the rickshaw and Rusty in the park)

+

NEWMAN: There it is!

+

KRAMER: Rusty!

+

RUSTY: Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job?

+

KRAMER: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling + the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home.

+

NEWMAN: Uh..

+

KRAMER: What?

+

NEWMAN: You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for + us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after + all, it is a conveyance.

+

KRAMER: Yes, that's true.

+

NEWMAN: So, which one of us is gonna pull?

+

KRAMER: Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing + back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) + One spot, two spot,

+

zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare + 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..

+

NEWMAN: (Realizing he won) Yeah.

+

KRAMER: Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme + again) One spot, two spot..

+

(Scene cuts to Newman riding in the rickshaw - Kramer pulling)

+

NEMWAN: Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: A homeless charity center]

+

(Geroge is trying to give the book to the homeless. He comes across + Rebecca DeMornay - the same woman who confronted Elaine about her + muffin stumps in

+

episode "The Muffin Tops")

+

REBECCA: (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this + to charity?

+

GEORGE: Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.

+

REBECCA: What's the value of the book?

+

GEORGE: Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.

+

REBECCA: (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.

+

GEORGE: Oh.

+

REBECCA: (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) + This book has been in the bathroom.

+

GEORGE: (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's + rediculous.

+

REBECCA: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. + Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough + that we have some nut out

+

there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!

+

GEORGE: (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just + take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?

+

REBECCA: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of + here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!

+

GEORGE: I could take it in merchandise..

+

REBECCA: (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..

+

(George grabs his book and runs for his life)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Bookstore]

+

(Elaine and Jerry are both at the bookstore. Elaine is talking + with the cashier while checking out a book)

+

ELAINE: So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?

+

CASHIER: Yeah.

+

ELAINE: Great.

+

JERRY: (To Elaine) So, the worst is over?

+

ELAINE: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm + the office hero.

+

JERRY: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real + ones.

+

ELAIEN: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho.

+

(She's through buying the book, and is ready to go)

+

ELAINE: (Leaving Jerry) See ya.

+

JERRY: (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC Street]

+

(Newman is being pulled up a steep hill on the rickshaw by Kramer)

+

NEWMAN: Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!

+

KRAMER: (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets + the rickshaw down - taking a rest)

+

NEWMAN: Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.

+

KRAMER: (Stretching) Oh..

+

(The rickshaw starts to roll back down the hill)

+

NEWMAN: (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!

+

(The rickshaw starts to rapidly go down the street. Kramer makes + an attempt to chase it)

+

KRAMER: Woah! Wait!

+

NEWMAN: Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!

+

(Scene cuts to Zach. he's walking out into the street)

+

ZACH: (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my + life!

+

(Scene cuts back to Newman - still rolling down the hill)

+

NEWMAN: Waaaaahhhh!

+

(Zach and the rickshaw collide. From back up on top of the street, + Kramer tries to separate himself from the accident. He starts walking, + then running away from the

+

crushed rickshaw)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Bookstore]

+

(Jerry is in Brentano's - waiting for the manager. He sees George + enter)

+

JERRY: George? What are you doin' here?

+

GEORGE: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.

+

JERRY: (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.

+

GEORGE: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That + way, everything is even.

+

JERRY: (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal + another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?

+

GEORGE: I'm goin' in!

+

(George walks off to steal one of the books. The manager walks + up to Jerry)

+

MANAGER: Did you want to speak with the manager?

+

JERRY: Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..

+

MANAGER: Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy + is we prosecute all shoplifters.

+

JERRY: (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All + old people steal.

+

MANAGER: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. + Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft + lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.

+

JERRY: So it could be anyone?

+

MANAGER: I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.

+

(Jerry turns to George. George has a huge bundle under his overcoat + - and is trying to act innocent)

+

JERRY: That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!

+

(George is instantly surrounded by guards)

+

GEORGE: No! Jerry!

+

END OF EPISODE.

+ +

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The Bottle Deposit (1)

+ +

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+ + Transcribed by:  Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness

+

7.21 The Bottle Deposit (1)
+ Episode Number: 131

+

Original Air Date: May 02, 1996
+ Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

Guest Cast:
+ Brad Garrett (Tony)
+ Brenda Strong (Sue Ellen)
+ Patrick Kerr (Clerk)
+ Harvey Jason (Auctioneer)
+ Larry Polson (Homeless Guy)

+

 

+

[Nightclub]

+

Jerry's standup monologue.

+

JERRY: I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and

+

it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, +

+

they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the +

+

mechanic comes out; he looks like Al Jolson. He's covered in goo, from + head to toe.

+

You can't even see him. Although, I prefer that to when they have the + lab coat,

+

The clipboard and the nice glasses. Now you know you're getting screwed. +

+

(as concerned car owner) 'Can I see it?' (as doctor-like mechanic) 'You +

+

better not. It's idling quietly right now. I think it should stay overnight. + We

+

wanna keep an eye on it, and we wanna keep the bill running up.'

+

 

+

[Yankee Stadium]

+

Mr Wilhelm is hurrying along a corridor, with George trailing in his +

+

wake. As Wilhelm speaks, George is making notes onto a pad and looking +

+

flustered.

+

WILHELM: And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for +

+

The cigarettes and the dive checks.

+

GEORGE: Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?

+

WILHELM: The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the

+

trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had + to repeat

+

myself.

+

GEORGE: Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.

+

WILHELM: Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here

+

George. You've got to pay attention.

+

GEORGE: I know, sir. It won't happen again.

+

WILHELM: Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh.

+

Wilhelm wanders across the corridor, thinking to himself, he opens the +

+

door to the men's room and strolls through.

+

WILHELM: Lemme think here.

+

George starts to follow Wilhelm into the men's room, but thinks better +

+

of it. He wonders briefly what to do, then leans against the wall by + the door, to

+

await Wilhelm's return.

+

 

+

[Elaine's Office]

+

Elaine sits behind her desk working at her computer. Mr Peterman

+

enters. He's carrying an auction house catalogue.

+

PETERMAN: Elaine.

+

ELAINE: Hi, Mr Peterman.

+

PETERMAN: You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy.

+

ELAINE: I do.

+

PETERMAN: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this

+

business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.

+

ELAINE: The pygmy pullover.

+

PETERMAN: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item +

+

in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, + they

+

capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.

+

ELAINE: Whatever.

+

PETERMAN: But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend +

+

And therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would + go in

+

my stead.

+

ELAINE: Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much +

+

d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you + willing

+

to go?

+

PETERMAN: I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand +

+

dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.

+

He drops the catalogue on the surprised Elaine's desk and exits.

+

ELAINE: Wow.

+

 

+

[Yankee Stadium]

+

George still waits outside the men's room. He's been waiting a while. +

+

He looks at his watch and decides to go in. As he enters, he finds Wilhelm +

+

emerging from a stall, and still talking.

+

WILHELM: ...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr

+

Steinbrenner is very interested in this.

+

Wilhelm washes his hands, while George looks panicky and opts to bluff +

+

it out.

+

GEORGE: Yes, sir.

+

WILHELM: (drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I

+

want you to make this project a top priority.

+

GEORGE: I will, sir. Top priority.

+

WILHELM: (exiting) Top priority.

+

GEORGE: Top priority.

+

George throws up his arms in despair.

+

[Jerry's Apartment]

+

Jerry and George stand. George is explaining what happened.

+

GEORGE: So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.

+

JERRY: He pulled an LBJ on you.

+

GEORGE: LBJ?

+

JERRY: Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers.

+

GEORGE: No kidding?

+

JERRY: Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He

+

planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.

+

GEORGE: Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even +

+

know what my assignment is.

+

JERRY: Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.

+

GEORGE: I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention.

+

Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.

+

JERRY: You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him

+

you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.

+

GEORGE: Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.

+

The door opens and Kramer enters, followed by Newman. Kramer is

+

carrying a large can of some foodstuff, from which he is eating the odd + morsel. Newman

+

has a pack of soda (mellow yellow?), and is swigging from one of the + bottles.

+

KRAMER: Hey buddy.

+

JERRY: Hey.

+

GEORGE: Hey.

+

JERRY: Can I have my keys...

+

KRAMER: (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.

+

JERRY: (catching keys) ...back, please?

+

KRAMER: You shoulda come, Jerry.

+

NEWMAN: We made quite a haul.

+

GEORGE: Where'd you go?

+

KRAMER: Price club.

+

GEORGE: Why didn't you take your car?

+

KRAMER: Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.

+

Newman finishes his soda and drops the bottle in Jerry's bin.

+

KRAMER: What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't +

+

throw that away.

+

NEWMAN: Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling +

+

thing.

+

KRAMER: You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read +

+

the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, + New

+

York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents.

+

NEWMAN: (taking bottle) Refund?

+

KRAMER: Yes.

+

JERRY: Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?

+

NEWMAN: I don't know, they're deranged.

+

Kramer and Newman sit on Jerry's couch. Kramer has TV Guide, Newman

+

Still reading the bottle.

+

GEORGE: Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?

+

JERRY: No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this

+

Kennedy auction.

+

GEORGE: Awright, I'll see you later.

+

George leaves. Jerry exits to the bedroom.

+

NEWMAN: (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?

+

KRAMER: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.

+

NEWMAN: Ten cents!?

+

KRAMER: Yeah.

+

NEWMAN: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents +

+

there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for + the

+

difference.

+ +

KRAMER: No, it doesn't work.

+

NEWMAN: What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles

+

together...

+

KRAMER: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on +

+

gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.

+

JERRY: (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit

+

bottle scam again, are you?

+

KRAMER: No, no, I'm off that.

+

NEWMAN: You tried it?

+

KRAMER: Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove +

+

me crazy.

+

JERRY: (leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?

+

NEWMAN/KRAMER: (simultaneous) No problem. You bet.

+

Jerry exits, shaking his head.

+

 

+

[Sotheby's]

+

An auction room, with several rows of seating facing a platform with + a

+

lectern for the auctioneer. Many people sit or stand around, with catalogues +

+

And numbered paddles for making bids. Jerry and Elaine enter.

+

JERRY: Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know +

+

Those two idiots did something to it.

+

ELAINE: No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my +

+

God, look who's here.

+

JERRY: Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress.

+

Sue Ellen notices them, and comes over.

+

SUE ELLEN: Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.

+

ELAINE: Hi Sue Ellen.

+

JERRY: Hi Sue Ellen.

+

SUE ELLEN: I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of +

+

high society?

+

ELAINE: (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to

+

bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.

+

JERRY: I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.

+

SUE ELLEN: Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget.

+

Sue Ellen walks away to her seat. Elaine and Jerry make their way to +

+

their seats,

+

ELAINE: (half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman.

+

 

+

[Jerry's Apartment]

+

Kramer and Newman are still on Jerry's couch. Kramer is watching TV, +

+

While Newman has been working something out on a pad.

+

NEWMAN: I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?

+

KRAMER: No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got +

+

permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.

+

NEWMAN: I wanna learn. I want to know why.

+

 

+

[Sotheby's]

+

A bag of golf clubs is brought onto the platform.

+

ELAINE: (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. +

+

Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.

+

AUCTIONEER: Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf

+

clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous +

+

photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of + the Bay of Pigs

+

invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding + at four

+

thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars?

+

A man behind Elaine raises his paddle to bid.

+

AUCTIONEER: I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another

+

person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do + I have six? Six

+

thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six. + I have six

+

thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?

+

Elaine raises her paddle to bid.

+

AUCTIONEER: Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right. +

+

We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?

+

Sue-Ellen looks thoughtful.

+

AUCTIONEER: The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot. +

+

Sixty-five hundred going once...

+

Jerry and Elaine think they've got them.

+

SUE ELLEN: Eight thousand.

+

AUCTIONEER: Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now

+

eight thousand dollars.

+

ELAINE: (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding +

+

now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!

+

AUCTIONEER: We have eighty-five...

+

SUE ELLEN: Nine thousand.

+

AUCTIONEER: Nine thousand dollars.

+

JERRY: Think she wants those clubs.

+

AUCTIONEER: Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...

+

ELAINE: Ninety-five hundred.

+

SUE ELLEN: Ten thousand.

+

AUCTIONEER: Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten

+

thousand going once...

+

JERRY: Well, that's your ceiling.

+

AUCTIONEER: Ten thousand going twice...

+

Sue Ellen looks over at Elaine, with a smirk.

+

ELAINE: (determined) Eleven thousand!

+

SUE ELLEN: Twelve thousand.

+

ELAINE: (angrier) Thirteen thousand!

+

SUE ELLEN: Fourteen thousand.

+

ELAINE: (vicious) Fifteen thousand!!

+

Jerry buries his face in his hands.

+

 

+

[Jerry's Car]

+

Jerry is driving Elaine home. In the back seat, the golf clubs can be +

+

seen. There is a persistent clunking sound coming from the car.

+

ELAINE: Peterman is gonna kill me.

+

JERRY: I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.

+

ELAINE: Why didn't you stop me?

+

JERRY: Do you hear this clunking?

+

ELAINE: (listening) A little.

+

 

+

[Jerry's Car, later]

+

The Saab halts outside Elaine's apartment building.

+

ELAINE: Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from +

+

You later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.

+

JERRY: Okay.

+

ELAINE: Alrighty, bye.

+

JERRY: Bye.

+

Elaine leaves the car and walks away. Jerry restarts the car, when he +

+

Notices steam and smoke emerging from under the hood.

+

JERRY: What's going on here?

+

Jerry gets out of the car and runs to raise the hood.

+

JERRY: Oh God!

+

Jerry opens the hood of his car. As the smoke and steam clears, it

+

becomes clear there are a variety of comestibles arranged on and around + the engine

+

compartment.

+

JERRY: (angry) Oh, you idiots!

+

 

+

[Jerry's Apartment]

+

Kramer and Newman still occupy the couch.

+

NEWMAN: So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and +

+

mean?

+

KRAMER: Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he +

+

is.

+

JERRY: Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?

+

KRAMER: (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.

+

NEWMAN: (to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.

+

JERRY: And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said +

+

I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you +

+

thinking?

+

KRAMER: We ran outta space.

+

JERRY: Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.

+

KRAMER: Ah, Tony, he's good.

+

JERRY: Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He +

+

makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I + gotta get

+

it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at + me.

+

KRAMER: (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'

+

JERRY: No, thank you.

+

 

+

[Auto Shop]

+

Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and Tony is +

+

Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over the roof + and

+

along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.

+

TONY: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.

+

JERRY: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I

+

thought it might be time for a check up...

+

Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and begins +

+

Ferreting about.

+

JERRY: There's really nothing wrong on the inside.

+

TONY: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?

+

JERRY: No, I hadn't noticed.

+

TONY: (accusingly) Have you been picking at it?

+

JERRY: Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and

+

tear.

+

TONY: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.

+

JERRY: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.

+

TONY: You been rotating the tires?

+

JERRY: Try to.

+

TONY: (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all

+

turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'

+

 

+

[Elaine's Office]

+

PETERMAN: Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount + I

+

authorised you to spend.

+

ELAINE: I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just +

+

couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) + + You know,

+

certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts + herself in

+

public without any regard...

+

PETERMAN: Well, where are they?

+

ELAINE: (ingratiatingly) They should be here today.

+

 

+

[George's Office]

+

George stands, silently rehearsing his follow-up question. Wilhelm

+

walks by the window, down the corridor. George takes the plunge.

+

GEORGE: Uh, Mr Wilhelm.

+

WILHELM: (entering the office) Yes George.

+

GEORGE: Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, +

+

My assignment.

+

WILHELM: Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr

+

Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.

+

GEORGE: Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna

+

attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... + what

+

do you think would be the very best way to get started?

+

WILHELM: (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George.

+

GEORGE: Well, I was wondering...

+

WILHELM: You mean you haven't been to payroll?

+

GEORGE: Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.

+

WILHELM: Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big +

+

man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!

+

Wilhelm leaves.

+

GEORGE: Payroll!!

+

George grabs his jacket, races to the door, checks Wilhelm has gone, +

+

and darts off down the corridor.

+

 

+

[Yankee Stadium: Payroll Office]

+

A meek looking clerk sits behind a counter. George enters.

+

GEORGE: Hello there. I'm George Costanza.

+

CLERK: Yes?

+

GEORGE: Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) +

+

I'm uh, working on the project.

+

CLERK: What project?

+

GEORGE: Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project.

+

CLERK: You're gonna have to fill me in.

+

GEORGE: You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little +

+

while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.

+

CLERK: (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come +

+

Back here.

+

GEORGE: Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have +

+

a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.

+

CLERK: Well, maybe I will.

+

GEORGE: (spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take +

+

it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing +

+

here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.

+

CLERK: (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh,

+

there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?

+

George is leaning across the counter, trying to hear Wilhelm's side of +

+

the converstion.

+

CLERK: (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see. +

+

(listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright, + thank

+

you.

+

The clerk puts down the phone. George looks expectant.

+

CLERK: (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever +

+

you need, just uh, make yourself at home.

+

GEORGE: So he explained it all to you?

+

CLERK: Yes, he explained it all very clearly.

+

GEORGE: What'd he tell you?

+

CLERK: (upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to

+

humiliate me about it, alright!

+

 

+

[Newman's Apartment}

+

Newman sits on his couch. He's using an old mechanical adding machine +

+

and a pad to work on permutations for the 'Michigan deposit bottle scam'. + There

+

are spools of used paper from the adding machine all over the table and + maps of

+

the northeastern states of the US pinned up on the wall. He taps out + a

+

series of number, pulls the handle and reads the result, then looks at + what he's

+

written on his pad.

+

NEWMAN: Damn!

+

Frustrated, he sits back. He notices a framed photograph of his mother. +

+

A thought occurs.

+

NEWMAN (V.O.): Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. +

+

Mother's Day?!

+

He starts typing figures into the adding machine rapidly. He mouths

+

numbers to himself, shrugging as he makes estimates. When he finishes + he tears the

+

paper strip from the machine, compares it to figures on his pad.

+

NEWMAN: (triumphant) Yessss!

+

In celebration he swigs from a bottle of soda.

+

NEWMAN: Ahaha!

+

 

+

[Hallway]

+

Newman hurries up to Kramer's door and hammers on it with his fist. He +

+

waits a few seconds, then impatiently hammers agin.

+

NEWMAN: Come on Kramer!

+

The door opens to reveal Kramer midway through a shave, holding a

+

razor, with

+

foam on his face.

+

KRAMER: Wha...?

+

NEWMAN: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!

+

KRAMER: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.

+

NEWMAN: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office

+

sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility + in

+

Sagenaw, Michigan.

+

KRAMER: (interested) Uh-huh.

+

NEWMAN: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On

+

alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the + brim. And tomorrow,

+

if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.

+

KRAMER: (realisation) Mother's Day.

+

NEWMAN: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the +

+

truck.

+

KRAMER: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost

+

structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.

+

NEWMAN: (excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours!

+

KRAMER: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

+

NEWMAN: (triumph) Let the collecting begin!

+

They embrace joyfully.

+

 

+

[Montage of scenes]

+

A woman puts a soda can on top of a mail box while she reaches into her +

+

bag for something to post. A hand reaches from behind the box, picks + up the can

+

and disappears back behind the box. The woman is flummoxed by the can's

+

disappearance.

+

Newman stands nonchalantly beside a dumpster with a plastic sack

+

containing some bottles and cans. In the dumpster, Kramer roots about + beneath the

+

plastic and cardboard, before coming up and handing a bottle to Newman, + who drops

+

it into his sack.

+

In Monk's, a waitress puts a tray of empty bottle onto a shelf behind +

+

Kramer, who's eating a meal. As she leaves, he reaches behind him, takes + the

+

tray and tips the bottles into another plastic sack.

+

Newman stands in a doorway on the street. A homeless guy pushes a

+

shopping cart full of bottles and cans past. Newman drops a few coins + onto the

+

sidewalk, attracting the attention of the homeless guy, who leaves his + cart to

+

retrieve the change. Newman darts from the doorway, grabs hold of the + cart and

+

races away down the street, leaving the homeless guy shaking a fist and + yelling

+

after him.

+

Newman finishes a bottle of soda and hands the empty to Kramer, who

+

Hands another bottle to Newman. There's a long line of empty bottles + already

+

on the table and Newman's looking close to capacity. As Newman reluctantly +

+

begins to drink this latest one, Kramer opens another and taps him on + the

+

stomach, causing Newman to splutter and spray soda across the table.

+

A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back of a mail +

+

truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap palms + and

+

shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle closed.

+

 

+

[Yankee Stadium: George's Office]

+

George has his head down on his desk. Wilhelm walks jauntily along the +

+

Corridor and enters the office.

+

WILHELM: So...

+

George snaps awake.

+

WILHELM: ...did you go down to payroll?

+

GEORGE: (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... +

+

Paid off.

+

WILHELM: (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, +

+

huh?

+

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.

+

WILHELM: Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.

+

GEORGE: (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr +

+

Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really +

+

necessary, you know, for the project?

+

WILHELM: Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. + +

+

Just like the song says.

+

GEORGE: The song?

+

WILHELM: There's your answer. Downtown.

+

Wilhelm leaves.

+

GEORGE: (thoughtful) Downtown.

+

 

+

[Monk's]

+

George and Jerry in a booth.

+

JERRY: The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?

+

GEORGE: Yeah.

+

JERRY: You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be +

+

Going downtown?

+

GEORGE: I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some +

+

sort of a

+

meaning.

+

JERRY: Okay, so how does it go?

+

GEORGE: 'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can

+

always go...'

+

JERRY: '... downtown.'

+

GEORGE: 'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never

+

close...'

+

JERRY: '...downtown.'

+

GEORGE: Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' +

+

What's a little place that never closes?

+

JERRY: Seven-eleven?

+

GEORGE: 'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger +

+

on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights + are

+

pretty. The Broadway area?

+

JERRY: No, that's midtown.

+

GEORGE: 'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your +

+

troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'

+

JERRY: '...down town.'

+

GEORGE: 'Things'll be great, when you're...'

+

JERRY: '...downtown.'

+

GEORGE: I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.

+

JERRY: Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you.

+

There are movie shows...'

+

GEORGE: You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I +

+

Should confess?

+

JERRY: How can you lose?

+

 

+

[Jerry's Apartment/Elaine's Office]

+

Jerry enters. He goes to his answering machine and plays the messages.

+

TONY (O.S.): Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta +

+

talk. You better come down, any time after four.

+

Jerry looks less than happy at the prospect. The phone rings, and Jerry +

+

answers.

+

JERRY: Hello.

+

ELAINE: Hi, it's me.

+

JERRY: Oh, hi.

+

ELAINE: Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.

+

JERRY: Oh, you know what?

+

ELAINE: (worry) Oh no. What?

+

JERRY: Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car.

+

ELAINE: You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?

+

JERRY: I forgot.

+

ELAINE: Oh, go down and get them.

+

JERRY: I can't. The car's at the mechanics.

+

ELAINE: Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll +

+

just go and pick 'em up myself.

+

JERRY: No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can +

+

not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like + an hour, if

+

you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth + street?

+

ELAINE: (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.

+

 

+

[Outside Auto Shop]

+

Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real

+

intense.

+

JERRY: Hey, Tony.

+

TONY: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.

+

JERRY: Sure.

+

TONY: I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it

+

from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. + You know

+

that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those +

+

quicky lube places, isn't it?

+

JERRY: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down

+

here...

+

TONY: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a +

+

low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) +

+

See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.

+

JERRY: I really wanna...

+

TONY: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But +

+

it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep + it under

+

sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get + the oil

+

changed every thousand miles.

+

JERRY: How much money is this gonna cost me?

+

TONY: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're +

+

Talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? + You

+

barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre + pressure.

+

When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

+

JERRY: The washer fluid is fine.

+

TONY: (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!

+

JERRY: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm +

+

gonna bring it someplace else.

+

TONY: What d'you mean?

+

JERRY: Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on + my

+

way.

+

TONY: Well, the car's on a lift.

+

JERRY: Well, just get it down.

+

TONY: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll +

+

bring it around.

+

JERRY: Okay. Thank you, very much.

+

Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.

+

ELAINE: Hey. Where's the car?

+

JERRY: He's bringing it.

+

ELAINE: Good.

+

There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and

+

Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry + and Elaine and

+

Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and + at

+

each other in astonishment.

+ + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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The Bottle Deposit (2)

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Transcribed by:  Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness
+
+ ----
+
+ 7.22 "The Bottle Deposit (2)"
+
+ Episode Number: 132
+ Original Air Date: May 02, 1996
+
+ Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Brad Garrett (Tony)
+ Mary Jo Keenen (Deena)
+ Rance Howard (Farmer)
+ Nicholas Mele (Detective)
+ Karen Lynn Scott (Farmer's Daughter)
+ Sandy Ward (Pop)
+ Dan O'Connor (Young Cop)
+ Bonnie McNeil (Woman)
+
+
+ [Montage of snippets]
+
+ JERRY (V.O.): Last week on Seinfeld.
+
+ A sequence of clips from The Bottle Deposit (1) establishes the story +
+ so far:
+ Newman and Kramer are using a USPS mail truck to run deposit bottles
+ and cans to Michigan, in order to collect 10 cents on each of them. George + has been
+ given an assignment by Mr Wilhelm, but he hasn't a clue what it is. Elaine +
+ outbids Sue-Ellen Mishke at an auction, to buy John F Kennedy's golf clubs + on
+ behalf of Mr Peterman, and leaves them in the back of Jerry's car. Kramer + and
+ Newman have left groceries under the hood of Jerry's car, meaning Jerry + has to take
+ it to Tony the mechanic, who loves the car more than Jerry does. When + Jerry
+ asks for his car back, Tony flees in it, taking JFK's clubs with him.
+
+
+ [Outside Auto Shop]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone.
+
+ JERRY: Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)
+
+ ELAINE: So? What'd they say?
+
+ JERRY: They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow.
+
+ ELAINE: What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?!
+
+ JERRY: Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth
+ Whitehead, did I?
+
+ ELAINE: What kind of maniac is this guy?
+
+ JERRY: He's a very special maniac.
+
+ ELAINE: What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.
+
+ JERRY: I don't know.
+
+ ELAINE: Why couldn't you take better care of that car?!
+
+
+ [Elaine's Office]
+
+ Elaine at her desk. Peterman enters.
+
+ PETERMAN: Well, are they here?
+
+ ELAINE: Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag.
+
+ PETERMAN: Snag?
+
+ ELAINE: It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my
+ friend's car.
+
+ PETERMAN: What does that have to do with my clubs?
+
+ ELAINE: They happened to be in the back seat at the time.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is talking with a police detective at his door.
+
+ DETECTIVE: What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?
+
+ JERRY: You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme +
+ ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
+
+ DETECTIVE: All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment,
+ thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm + gonna ask
+ you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think + it'll
+ help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?
+
+ JERRY: Had I been taking...?
+
+ DETECTIVE: Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? +
+ Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.
+
+ JERRY: W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I
+ want with it.
+
+ The detective stares at Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Not that I would think of doing such things.
+
+ DETECTIVE: (making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if +
+ we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up + well.
+
+ JERRY: Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.
+
+
+ [Yankee Stadium: George's Office]
+
+ George sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he has
+ clutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy.
+
+ GEORGE: (hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project...
+
+ WILHELM: That's what I came to talk to you about. Great job George.
+ (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.
+
+ GEORGE: I did?
+
+ WILHELM: Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done +
+ it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good + work
+ George.
+
+ Wilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ By now, George is looking much more pleased.
+
+ JERRY: I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow +
+ it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
+
+ GEORGE: Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it +
+ was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea +
+ who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? + Jimmy
+ crack corn and I don't care.
+
+
+ [Mr Wilhelm's Home]
+
+ Wilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking to his
+ wife, who's in another room.
+
+ WILHELM: The gardener did a nice job planting the rose bushes, didn't +
+ he dear?
+
+ MRS WILHELM (O.C.): You planted the rose bushes, dear.
+
+ WILHELM: I did?
+
+ + MRS WILHELM (O.C.): Yesterday. You remember.
+
+ WILHELM: (thinks for a moment) That's right. (pause) What's for dinner?
+
+ MRS WILHELM (O.C.): We just ate. Did you forget to take your medicine?
+
+ Wilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ A still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's fridge.
+
+ GEORGE: The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with +
+ the car?
+
+ JERRY: No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I
+ just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.
+
+ GEORGE: Why not?
+
+ JERRY: They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the +
+ keys.
+
+ The door opens and Elaine enters.
+
+ ELAINE: (to George) Hey.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey.
+
+ ELAINE: (to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say?
+
+ JERRY: They're looking.
+
+ GEORGE: I gotta go.
+
+ George leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up.
+
+ JERRY: Y'hello.
+
+ DETECTIVE (V.O.): Mr Seinfeld?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ DETECTIVE (V.O.): It's Detective McMahon...
+
+ Elaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police'
+
+ DETECTIVE (V.O.): ...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd +
+ better get down here.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car.
+
+ ELAINE: (makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him.
+
+ JERRY: Are there golf clubs in the back?
+
+ DETECTIVE (V.O.): We really can't tell. You better bring your service +
+ records.
+
+
+ [Pier 38 Warehouse]
+
+ The interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars and
+ parts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding gear, + etc.
+ Detective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under a white + sheet.
+ Jerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy.
+
+ YOUNG COP: Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of... grease.
+ Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.
+
+ DETECTIVE: How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.
+
+ JERRY: (indicating) This is Elaine Benes.
+
+ ELAINE: (explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends.
+
+ DETECTIVE: I see.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ DETECTIVE: I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make +
+ sure.
+
+ JERRY: Well, what's going on? What is this thing?
+
+ DETECTIVE: One of our patrolmen stumbled over this.
+
+ He lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: (horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth)
+
+ JERRY: Oh my God!
+
+ The young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim.
+
+ DETECTIVE: The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams +
+ thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, my God.
+
+ DETECTIVE: And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is
+ definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive + train is
+ all burnt out.
+
+ JERRY: What is that smell?
+
+ DETECTIVE: Look at the clutch.
+
+ They look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see.
+
+ ELAINE: Uuh.
+
+ The patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous.
+
+ YOUNG COP: Excuse me.
+
+ DETECTIVE: Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. I mean, they took +
+ their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went out of + their
+ way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from + the
+ housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.
+
+ ELAINE: Uhh
+
+ JERRY: Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo.
+
+ DETECTIVE: Your car's not a turbo?
+
+ JERRY: No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a
+ turbo!
+
+ ELAINE: (sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.
+
+ Elaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another woman
+ arrives.
+
+ WOMAN: Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo nine-thousand? Is it... +
+ (voice breaking) midnight blue?
+
+ DETECTIVE: (condolences) Yes ma'am.
+
+
+ [Mail Truck]
+
+ Newman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness.
+
+ KRAMER/NEWMAN: (singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine
+ bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine + bottles
+ and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in + five
+ hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle + and cans in
+ the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. +
+ We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...
+
+ Their singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics. But +
+ the pair still look gleeful.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car]
+
+ The phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up.
+
+ JERRY: Hello.
+
+ TONY: Hey Jerry, it's Tony.
+
+ JERRY: Tony, where are you?
+
+ The Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night.
+
+ TONY: Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her +
+ all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's + nothing
+ to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you.
+
+ Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little.
+ Jerry can hear the engine noise over the phone.
+
+ JERRY: Tony, y-you better bring that car back!
+
+ TONY: (angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from +
+ + me, I don't forget that.
+
+ JERRY: Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
+
+ TONY: Oh, your car. You want your car back!
+
+ JERRY: Tony.
+
+ TONY: Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But
+ this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.
+
+ Tony hangs up the phone.
+
+ JERRY: (exasperated) Where do I find these guys?
+
+
+ [Mail Truck]
+
+ Kramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight.
+
+ NEWMAN: How much gas we got?
+
+ KRAMER: Three quarters of a tank.
+
+ Newman punches the numbers into a calculator.
+
+ KRAMER: That's better than we estimated.
+
+ NEWMAN: (smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better.
+
+ They give a smug little laugh.
+
+ NEWMAN: Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.
+
+ KRAMER: Ah, no, that's not in the budget.
+
+ NEWMAN: Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a +
+ good investment.
+
+ KRAMER: That's not a good investment, that's a loss.
+
+ A convertible black Saab passes the mail truck.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check
+ out that license plate.
+
+ He accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans forward, +
+ straining to make out the plate.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, those are New York plates.
+
+ NEWMAN: Is that Jerry's number?
+
+ KRAMER: I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are +
+ pretty good odds.
+
+ Kramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something.
+
+ NEWMAN: What're you doing?
+
+ KRAMER: I'm calling Jerry.
+
+ NEWMAN: On what?
+
+ KRAMER: Brought my phone.
+
+ He pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck]
+
+ JERRY: (answering phone) Y'hello.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number?
+
+ JERRY: Why, what's up?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.
+
+ JERRY: Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a
+ second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.
+
+ KRAMER: (checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, +
+ uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.
+
+ JERRY: Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country.
+
+ KRAMER: Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail.
+
+ JERRY: Good work Kramer, this is incredible.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on +
+ a monkey! I'll check back with you.
+
+
+ [Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ The phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it.
+
+ ELAINE: Elaine Benes.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!
+
+ ELAINE: Oh my god, where is it?
+
+ JERRY: It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em.
+
+ ELAINE: Are the clubs there?
+
+ JERRY: I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call +
+ me back.
+
+ ELAINE: Alright, I'm heading over right now.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine enters at a rush.
+
+ ELAINE: What's the status?
+
+ JERRY: Last check-in, they were still on him.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, have they called the police yet?
+
+ JERRY: No, they won't call the police.
+
+ ELAINE: What? Why not?
+
+ JERRY: They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. +
+ Kramer doesn't want a record.
+
+ ELAINE: Kramer has a record.
+
+ JERRY: Not a Federal record.
+
+ The phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine picks up +
+ in the kitchen.
+
+
+ [Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ ELAINE/JERRY: Kramer?
+
+ JERRY: What's going on?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, nothing. We're still following him.
+
+ Ahead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to move onto +
+ the off-ramp.
+
+ KRAMER: Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going
+ south on the one-thirty-five.
+
+ ELAINE: Keep following him.
+
+ KRAMER: Alright, alright, I'll follow him.
+
+ NEWMAN: Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our +
+ way.
+
+ ELAINE: I need those clubs.
+
+ JERRY: Kramer, I want my car.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I don't know what to do.
+
+ NEWMAN: Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy +
+ could be going to Arkansas.
+
+ JERRY: Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down.
+
+ NEWMAN: Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our +
+ budget won't hold it.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I don't know what to do man!
+
+ NEWMAN: Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.
+
+ ELAINE/JERRY: Right. Go right!/South!
+
+ KRAMER: Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp.
+
+ Kramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal and +
+ the truck sways.
+ +
+
+ [Mail Truck]
+
+ NEWMAN: I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole +
+ venture.
+
+ KRAMER: This ramp is steep.
+
+ NEWMAN: All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought.
+
+ KRAMER: Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away +
+ from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.
+
+ Newman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer gets out +
+ of the driving seat.
+
+ NEWMAN: What're you doing?
+
+ KRAMER: (climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get
+ something.
+
+ NEWMAN: Are you crazy?
+
+ The truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat.
+
+ KRAMER: Keep your foot on the gas.
+
+ Kramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans.
+
+ NEWMAN: Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you?
+
+ Kramer slides open the rear door of the truck.
+
+ NEWMAN: Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our
+ losses.
+
+ Kramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck.
+
+ KRAMER: Look out below!!
+
+ Car horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway. Kramer
+ grabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning.
+
+
+
+
+ [Yankee Stadium: Steinbrenner's Office]
+
+ Steinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on his
+ desktop with a large powerful magnifying glass.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: (to himself) With this magnifying glass, I feel like a
+ scientist.
+
+ There is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters.
+
+ GEORGE: You wanted to see me, sir?
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Ah, come in George, come in.
+
+ George strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you worked on.
+
+ GEORGE: (smiling) Yes sir.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal +
+ problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?
+
+ GEORGE: (wondering where this is leading) No sir.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? +
+ You on the pipe?
+
+ GEORGE: (worried now) No sir.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause I got a flash for +
+ you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!
+
+ GEORGE: What're.. What're you talking about?
+
+ STEINBRENNER: George, I've read this report. It's very troubling, very +
+ troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.
+
+ Two burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the room
+ behind George.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Okay, come on boys, come on in here. George, this is Herb +
+ and Dan.
+
+ George regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach him and
+ stand behind him, one on either shoulder.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can +
+ get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was + there
+ for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They +
+ completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.
+
+ Herb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky.
+
+ GEORGE: Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not +
+ mine.
+
+ Herb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office
+ toward the door.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Of course you didn't George. Of course you didn't write +
+ it.
+
+ GEORGE: I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got +
+ done, but it did.
+
+ As Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his last
+ stand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually + he is
+ dragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view.
+
+ STEINBRENNER: Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the +
+ time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your job'll be + waiting
+ for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get better George. +
+ Get better!
+
+
+ [Mail Truck]
+
+ The Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed by the
+ mail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger seat.
+
+ KRAMER: (frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every +
+ bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...
+
+ He looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought occurs.
+
+ KRAMER: ...sluggish.
+
+ NEWMAN: I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? +
+ What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags.
+
+ KRAMER: Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?
+
+ NEWMAN: (perks up) A pie stand? Where?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back.
+
+ NEWMAN: Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya.
+
+ Kramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman sticks
+ his head out the window to peer back down the road.
+
+ NEWMAN: Where? I..I..I don't see it.
+
+ KRAMER: Well open the door, you get a better look.
+
+ Newman slides back the door and leans out.
+
+ NEWMAN: I don't see any pie...
+
+ Kramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves him out +
+ of the truck.
+
+ NEWMAN: ...Aargh!
+
+ As Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door shut and +
+ drives away.
+
+ NEWMAN: Kramer!!
+
+ KRAMER: I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back.
+
+ NEWMAN: (after speeding truck) Kramer!!
+
+ In the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials.
+
+ KRAMER: (shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running
+ lean. We're back on track, buddy!
+
+
+ [Country Roadside]
+ +
+ Newman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries to thumb +
+ a ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia to drivers.
+
+ NEWMAN: Federal employee. Federal employee.
+
+ Aside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues +
+ his trudge, a sour look on his face.
+
+ [Countryside]
+
+ Newman struggles up a steep slope.
+
+ Newman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from the
+ vegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face lights up. + He
+ stumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling, before picking +
+ himself up and running up to the building.
+
+ [Farm]
+
+ Newman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As he
+ reaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the window, + he sees a
+ pie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes to his + face. He
+ turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens.
+
+ FARMER: Hello stranger.
+
+ NEWMAN: (a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but +
+ I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of +
+ backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
+
+ FARMER: Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. +
+ This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, +
+ hearty meal, clean bed.
+
+ NEWMAN: Oh, thank you, sir.
+
+ FARMER: Just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter.
+
+ Just then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer.
+ Blonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation.
+
+
+ [Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race along +
+ a quiet country road.
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's +
+ running scared, buddy.
+
+ Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone handset.
+
+ JERRY: How's the gas situation?
+
+ KRAMER: (checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis.
+
+ In front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab.
+
+ KRAMER: He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something.
+
+ Tony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself.
+
+ KRAMER: He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!!
+
+ JERRY: Duck, Kramer! Duck!
+
+ Kramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's
+ mail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away.
+
+ KRAMER: It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me!
+
+ ELAINE: Those are JFK's golf clubs!
+
+ Tony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces off the
+ windshield, leaving some cracks.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy +
+ fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!
+
+ ELAINE: Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!
+
+ JERRY: No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away.
+
+ KRAMER: Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no,
+ he's taking out the woods!
+
+ Tony flings a heavy wood at the truck.
+
+ KRAMER: (noise)
+
+ The Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club after
+ club over his shoulder and into the front of the truck.
+
+ KRAMER: (yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that!
+
+ Tony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against the
+ windshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel runs over + a club on
+ the tarmac and the tyre bursts.
+
+ JERRY: (hearing the noises) What's happening!
+
+ The truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the road.
+
+ KRAMER: This truck is dying. We're losing him.
+
+ The Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The truck
+ staggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam and smoke + erupts from
+ under the hood.
+
+ KRAMER: I think we lost him.
+
+ JERRY: (disappointment) Dammit!
+
+ ELAINE: (quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer?
+
+ KRAMER: (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.
+
+ Jerry hangs up.
+
+
+ [Country]
+
+ Kramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road. He kicks +
+ the deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks a club off +
+ the front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of the radiator +
+ grille.
+
+ Kramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He comes
+ upon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over his shoulder, + he
+ continues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as he goes.
+
+ [Farm]
+
+ Newman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen
+ table. They are working their way through a generous meal.
+
+ FARMER: Enjoy that mutton?
+
+ NEWMAN: (mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta +
+ sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.
+
+ The farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her fork,
+ touching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing with + cutlery, but
+ she's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and tries to + take a
+ nonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and he
+ splutters.
+
+ FARMER: That cider too strong for you?
+
+ NEWMAN: No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's
+ benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.
+
+ The farmer's daughter licks her lips.
+
+ FARMER: Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, if you'd like to
+ lend a hand.
+
+ NEWMAN: (reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. +
+ I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that.
+
+ FARMER: Ahh, Susie here'll teach you.
+
+ The farmer's daughter goes wide eyed.
+
+ FARMER: Just gotta pull on the teat a little.
+
+ Susie and Newman half-laugh nervously.
+
+ SUSIE: (suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, man around.
+
+ NEWMAN: You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I
+ Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)
+
+ The farmer looks at him oddly.
+
+ NEWMAN: (breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy?
+ +
+
+ [Institution]
+
+ George is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free hand is +
+ holding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are a couple + of
+ inmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are Pop and Deena + Lazzari,
+ previously seen in 'The Gum'.
+
+ GEORGE: (desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!
+
+ DEENA: I'll be back same time next week, Pop.
+
+ GEORGE: (quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing +
+ to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just + tell 'em
+ what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
+
+ Deena spots George as she makes her way out of the room.
+
+ DEENA: George?
+
+ George looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the phone.
+
+ DEENA: I see you're finally getting some help.
+
+ GEORGE: Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're +
+ here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm + okay.
+ You know that I don't belong in here.
+
+ DEENA: George, this is the best thing for you. (she walks away)
+
+ GEORGE: Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!
+
+ As he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and
+ restrains him.
+
+ GEORGE: Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
+
+ George is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration as +
+ the orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over.
+
+ POP: Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice +
+ little car?
+
+
+ [Countryside]
+
+ Kramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps up to
+ the porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings out and + the
+ farmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be heard yelling +
+ angrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up his trousers.
+
+ NEWMAN: (screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!
+
+ KRAMER: What you doing?!
+
+ NEWMAN: (pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me!
+
+ Newman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes the
+ farmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter, whose + shirt is undone
+ and hair is dishevelled.
+
+ KRAMER: (takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez!
+
+ FARMER: (taking aim) I told you to keep away from my daughter!
+
+ As Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer fires a
+ shot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the cover of + the crop.
+ Before the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel of the + shotgun
+ downward, spoiling his aim.
+
+ SUSIE: No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! (waving after Newman)
+ Goodbye Norman, goodbye.
+
+
+ [Elaine's Office]
+
+ Elaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters at a
+ rush.
+
+ PETERMAN: (excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. +
+ Where are they?
+
+ ELAINE: (not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr
+ Peterman.
+
+ PETERMAN: Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, with none other
+ than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded + only
+ by her proclivity to procreate.
+
+ Elaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs are, of
+ course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a poor reaction. Peterman +
+ picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief at the twisted metal.
+
+ ELAINE: The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there.
+
+ PETERMAN: Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
+
+ ELAINE: (spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing +
+ worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously)
+
+ PETERMAN: See you on Monday.
+
+ Peterman picks up the bag and heads for the door.
+
+ ELAINE: Have a good game.
+
+
+ [END]

+ + + + + + + +

   

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The Boyfriend (1)

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+

+ Transcribed by The News Guy(Mike) With help from "Luke Nan" + in Australia.
+
+
+ Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld
+ Kramer - Michael Richards
+ George - Jason Alexander
+ Elaine - Julia Louis-Dryfus
+ Keith Hernandez - Himself
+ Rae Allen - Mrs. Lenore Sokol
+ Richard Assad - Cabby
+ Wayne Knight - Newman
+
+ Written by: Larry David and Larry Levin
+ Directed by: Tom Cherones
+
+ STAND UP
+ =========
+ To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're
+ working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but + the
+ strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. + The only
+ reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through + the
+ workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when + we have
+ to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't + get
+ about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels + and
+ smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting + gym
+ clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt + because he
+ has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even + think
+ about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these + locks
+ you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff + is safe.
+
+
+ [Gym Locker Room]
+
+ KRAMER: Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches + on that
+ guy. You two were hogging the ball.
+
+ GEORGE: Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is + dribble.
+
+ JERRY: I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're + a
+ chucker.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh I'm a chucker.
+
+ JERRY: That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.
+
+ GEORGE: I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, + I do
+ not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, + no chuck!
+
+ JERRY: You chuck.
+
+ GEROGE: Kramer am I a chucker?
+
+
+ KRAMER: You're a chucker.
+
+ GEORGE: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told + me?
+
+ JERRY: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each + other naked.
+
+ JERRY: Believe me I didn't see anything.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
+
+ JERRY: No, did you?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, I snuck a peak.
+
+ JERRY: Why?
+
+ KRAMER: Why not? hey what about you George?
+
+ GEORGE: yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't + see
+ anything. It was just a blur.
+
+ JERRY: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information + I just
+ don't want to have.
+
+ KRAMER: Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.
+
+ JERRY: All right
+
+ KRAMER: Have a good one.
+
+ JERRY: All right
+
+ GEORGE: See ya.
+
+ [Kramer exits]
+
+ GEORGE: look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?
+
+ JERRY: You know who that is? That's
+
+ GEORGE: Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, that's him.
+
+ GEORGE: Are you sure?
+
+ JERRY: Positive.
+
+ GEORGE: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
+
+ GEORGE: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to + do to be a buff
+
+ JERRY: So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 + hours a day
+ would be a start.
+
+ GEORGE: ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. + I got
+ to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension
+
+ JERRY: Hey, should we say something to him?
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker + room.
+
+ JERRY: well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind.
+
+ GEORGE: He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.
+
+ JERRY: So?
+
+ GEORGE: What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The + guys a baseball
+ player Jerry, Baseball!
+
+ JERRY: I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice + him.
+
+ GEORGE: What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... + wo wo wo.
+ The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.
+
+ KEITH: Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez + and I just
+ want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.
+
+ JERRY: Really?
+
+ KEITH: I've always wanted to do what you do.
+
+ JERRY: What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all + time
+
+ GEORGE: Mine too.
+
+ KEITH: I love that bit about Jimmy Olson
+
+ JERRY: Thank you.
+
+ + GEORGE: You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these + ball clubs
+ flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane + crash? ...
+
+ KEITH: (to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now? +
+
+ JERRY: I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should + come in.
+
+ GEORGE: But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, + you'd think
+ eventually an entire team would get wiped out.
+
+ KEITH: You know, I live on the East Side.
+
+ JERRY: I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just + give me a call,
+ tell me whenever you want to go.
+
+ KEITH: or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee
+
+ JERRY: Oh. that would be great.
+
+ GEORGE: Uh, it's only a matter of time.
+
+ KEITH: Who's this chucker?
+
+ ---
+
+ [Monks]
+
+ JERRY: It's been three days and he hasn't called.
+
+ ELAINE: Well maybe you should call him.
+
+ JERRY: I can't ... I can't
+
+ ELAINE: Why not?
+
+ JERRY: I don't know. I just feel he should call me.
+
+ ELAINE: What's the difference?
+
+ JERRY: You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. + If he wants
+ to see me he has my number, he should call.
+
+ ELAINE: Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.
+
+ JERRY: I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and + then they
+ don't call. Why do they do that?
+
+ ELAINE: I'm sorry honey.
+
+ JERRY: I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked + me. we were
+ getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.
+
+ ELAINE: No,
+
+ JERRY: Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?
+
+ ELAINE: I know.
+
+ JERRY: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? + I mean here I
+ meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever + met in my life.
+ .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy + again.
+
+ ELAINE: Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes + them a month to
+ call.
+
+ JERRY: Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got + a prayer!
+
+ ELAINE: You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town? +
+
+ JERRY: Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people + say they're
+ too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How + can you be
+ too busy?
+
+ ELAINE: Why don't you just go ahead and call him?
+
+ JERRY: I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going + to say to
+ him?
+
+ ELAINE: Just ask him if he wants a to get together.
+
+ JERRY: For what dinner?
+
+ ELAINE: Dinner's good.
+
+ JERRY: Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. + Isn't that like
+ a turn off?
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry, He's A GUY!
+
+ JERRY: ... this is all .. very confusing.
+
+ STAND UP
+ =========
+ When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. + Whatever the
+ group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're + not
+ interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested + in
+ seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't + know the food.
+ They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the + gym or
+ someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a + lot of
+ potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're + a kid,
+ you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little + kid what were
+ the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's + my friend,
+ they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come + on in. Jump
+ up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, + You like
+ Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!
+
+
+ [New York State Department of Labor]
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits + run out.
+
+ GEORGE: Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension. +
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: So where have you been looking for work?
+
+ GEORGE: Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not + so much the
+ looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking + and listening I
+ am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. + It's
+ looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look. +
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: Can you be specific about any of these companies?
+
+ GEORGE: Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many + buildings
+ they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: Well just give me one name.
+
+ GEORGE: Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandaley Industries, + I just saw
+ them. I got very close there. very close.
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: And what type of company is that?
+
+ GEORGE: Latex, latex manufacturing
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: And you interviewed there?
+
+ GEORGE: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of + latex, and
+ latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: I'm going to need an address and a phone number for + this uh,
+ Vandaley company...
+
+ GOERGE: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. + I got a
+ gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to + your door.
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: The address!
+
+ GEORGE: YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: No.
+
+ GEORGE: Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny.
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: The ADDRESS!
+
+ GEORGE: uh, Uh, Vandaley Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. + It's a very
+ small industry Vandaley. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, + + work for them.
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: The PHONE number.
+
+ GEORGE: That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, + they keep very
+ strange hours.
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: As soon as I'm done wit you!
+
+ GEORGE: Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week + uh, I gotta run
+ now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really + go to
+ uh,.
+
+ [George runs down hall]
+
+ [Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth]
+
+ GEORGE: (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you + back.
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ KRAMER: (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know + I step up to
+ the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the + fairway.
+ I mean you know my hook, right?
+
+ JERRY: Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry, ... He's a GUY!
+
+ KRAMER: well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold + on there's
+ another call.
+
+ [Phone Booth]
+
+ GEORGE: (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?
+
+ KRAMER: George?
+
+ GEORGE: Kramer put Jerry on the phone.
+
+ KRAMER: (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call + back.
+
+ GEORGE: Kramer!! Kramer no!!
+
+ KRAMER: ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn.
+
+ [Phone Booth]
+
+ GEORGE: hitting phone
+
+ [Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him]
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know + that was
+ Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over + and see
+ the baby.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, see the baby again with the baby..
+
+ ELAINE: Who are they?
+
+ JERRY: Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they + keep calling
+ us to see the baby.
+
+ JERRY: (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see + the babi...
+ Can't they just send us a tape?
+
+ ELAINE: You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby + anymore
+ then you wouldn't have to see it.
+
+ JERRY: uh uh because then it would be all grown up.
+
+ ELAINE: yeah ha ha ha
+
+ JERRY: Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt?
+
+ KRAMER: (does a double take) It's too busy
+
+ ELAINE: It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression + on him.
+ You're not being yourself.
+
+ KRAMER: What guy?
+
+ JERRY: I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him.
+
+ KRAMER: Who are you talkin about?
+
+ JERRY: Uh, Keith uh Hernandez.
+
+ KRAMER: KEITH HERNANDEZ?
+
+ NEWMAN: [enters] KEITH HERNANDEZ?
+
+
+ [In cab]
+
+ GEORGE: Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you + get outta
+ this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're +
+ all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you + please
+ please.
+
+ [changes lanes]
+
+ GEORGE: You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back + to the other
+ lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what + this lane
+ stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take + this light -
+ take this light -
+
+ CABBY: That's it GET OUT!!
+
+ GEORGE: Get out?
+
+ CABBY: Get out of my cab.
+
+ GEORGE: Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab
+
+ [Cabby gets out]
+
+ GEORGE: No, no! You can't throw me out
+
+ [Wrestling in cab]
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ JERRY: Hellooo Newman.
+
+ KRAMER: I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.
+
+ NEWMAN: I despise him.
+
+ ELAINE: Why?
+
+ NEWMAN: Why? I'll tell you why...
+
+ KRAMER: Let me tell it ..
+
+ NEWMAN: No, you can't tell it ..
+
+ KRAMER: You always tell it ..
+
+ NEWMAN: All right, tell it.
+
+ KRAMER: Ja ja ja - just tell it
+
+ NEWMAN: June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful + afternoon
+ in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five + run Phillies
+ ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
+
+ KRAMER: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, + they were
+ waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp + ... [cut
+ to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella + man and
+ everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front + of me. Keith
+ was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " + Nice game pretty
+ boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp.
+
+ NEWMAN: A second later, something happened that changed us in a + deep and
+ profound way front that day forward.
+
+ ELAINE: What was it?
+
+ KRAMER: He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
+
+ NEWMAN: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me. +
+
+ ELAINE: Wow! What a story.
+
+ JERRY: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the + whole premise
+ of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss + + Benes as
+ I've heard this story a number of times.
+
+ JERRY: Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story + Keith
+ passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were + struck on
+ the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple +
+ striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam + off
+ the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to + drop his
+ baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid + air
+ mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That + is one
+ magic luggie.
+
+ [THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF KEVIN + COSTNER'S COURTROOM SCENE IN
+ THE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!]
+
+ NEWMAN: Well that's the way it happened.
+
+ JERRY: What happened to your head when you got hit?
+
+ KRAMER: Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left
+
+ JERRY: Again
+
+ KRAMER: Back and to the left
+
+ JERRY: Back and to the left Back and to the left
+
+ ELAINE: So, what are you saying?
+
+ JERRY: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind + ... that there had to have been
+ a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the + spitter was behind you as you claimed
+ that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
+
+ ELAINE: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the + right.
+
+ JERRY: But that is not what they would have you believe.
+
+ NEWMAN: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. [Exits]
+
+ KRAMER: Wait, wait, [Exits]
+
+ JERRY: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.
+
+ [George runs in]
+
+ GEORGE: [Frantically] Did anybody call here asking for Vandaley + industries?
+
+ JERRY: No. What happened to you?
+
+ GEORGE: Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and + I told them that I was very close
+ to getting a job with Vandaley Industries and I gave them your phone + number. So, when now when the phone
+ rings you've got to answer "Vanadaley Industries".
+
+ JERRY: I'm Vanadaley Industries?
+
+ GEORGE: Right.
+
+ JERRY: And what is that?
+
+ GEORGE: You're in latex
+
+ JERRY: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
+
+ GEORGE: Ya manufacture it.
+
+ ELAINE: Here in this little apartment?
+
+ JERRY: And what do I say about you?
+
+ GEORGE: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
+
+ JERRY: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
+
+ GEORGE: Right.
+
+ JERRY: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
+
+ GEORGE: Because I asked you to.
+
+ JERRY: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk + pushing papers
+ around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to +
+ manufacture the stuff.
+
+ [Buzzer]
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ KRAMER: It's Keith.
+
+ JERRY: All right we're coming down.
+
+ GEORGE: KEITH HERNANDEZ:?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go.
+
+ GEORGE: Where are you goin?
+
+ ELAINE: He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a + second spitter.
+ But who was it? Who had the motive?
+
+ JERRY: That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five + years.
+
+ GEORGE: What the hell are you two talking about? [All exit]
+
+
+ [Keith's car]
+
+ JERRY: Well that was really fun, thanks.
+
+ KEITH: Yeah, it really was.
+
+ JERRY(MIND): Should I shake his hand?
+
+ JERRY: Well, ...
+
+ KEITH: UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen + JFK?
+
+ JERRY: No, I haven't.
+
+ JERRY(MIND): This weekend. WOW!
+
+ JERRY: Sure, that would be great.
+
+ JERRY(MIND): Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.
+
+ JERRY: I mean, ... if you want to.
+
+ KEITH: Well, how about this Friday?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, Friday's okay.
+
+ JERRY(MIND): Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've + been on
+ the Tonight Show.
+
+ JERRY: Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]
+
+ KEITH: Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride + to earlier
+ tonight,
+
+ JERRY: Elaine?
+
+ KEITH: Yeah. What's her story?
+
+ JERRY: Uh, I don't know, we used to go out.
+
+ KEITH: Would you mind if I gave her a call?
+
+ JERRY: For a date?
+
+ KEITH: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?
+
+ KEITH: You sure you don't mind?
+
+ JERRY: .... [silence]
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ JERRY: So then we went to dinner.
+
+ GEORGE: Who paid?
+
+ JERRY: We split it.
+
+ GEORGE: Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?
+
+ JERRY: Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time.
+
+ [Buzzer]
+
+ JERRY: Yeah
+
+ ELAINE: It's Elaine.
+
+ JERRY: Come on up.
+
+ GEORGE: So then what?
+
+ + JERRY: Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.
+
+ GEORGE: Shake his hand?
+
+ JERRY: (smiling) Yeah
+
+ GEORGE: What kind of a shake does he have?
+
+ JERRY: Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you + know, doesn't
+ have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was + there.
+
+ GEORGE: So, uh, you gonna see him again?
+
+ JERRY: He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.
+
+ GEORGE: Wow! The weekend.
+
+ JERRY: So then as I was getting out of the car, ...
+
+ ELAINE: HI
+
+ JERRY: Hi Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: Sooo, how was your date?
+
+ JERRY: What date? It's a GUY.
+
+ ELAINE: So you know , ... he called me.
+
+ JERRY: Already?
+
+ GEORGE: Keith called you?
+
+ ELAINE: [nods]
+
+ GEORGE: He he This guy really gets around.
+
+ ELAINE: Do you mind?
+
+ JERRY: I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?
+
+ ELAINE: He asked me out for Saturday night.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, ya' going?
+
+ ELAINE: I told him I was busy.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, really.
+
+ ELAINE: So, we're going out Friday.
+
+ [long pause]
+
+ JERRY: Friday?
+
+ ELAINE: yeah.
+
+ JERRY: He's going' out with you on Friday?
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: He's supposed to see ME on Friday.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, uh, I didn't know.
+
+ JERRY: We made plans.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, uh, I'll cancel it.
+
+ JERRY: No, don't cancel it.
+
+ ELAINE: Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/
+
+ JERRY: Well, frankly it is.
+
+ ELAINE: I've never seen you jealous before.
+
+ JERRY: Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't + even watch
+ it.
+
+ ELAINE: Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous + of me?
+
+ [long pause]
+
+ JERRY: Any Hennigans around here?
+
+ [Phone rings]
+
+ JERRY: Vandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? + ... Oh Hi
+ Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around
+
+ JERRY: No. No. I don't mind at all.
+
+ ELAINE: [whispers] No, no, no, I can cancel.
+
+ JERRY: Sure, we can do something next week.
+
+ ELAINE: [whispers I can cancel.
+
+ JERRY: No, its no problem at all.
+
+ ELAINE: [whispers] I,...
+
+ JERRY: Okay, take it easy. [hangs up] That was Keith. we're going + to do
+ something next week.
+
+ [Kramer enters]
+
+ KRAMER: Hey
+
+ JERRY: Hey what are you doing Friday night?
+
+ JERRY: Friday night? Nothin', ... now.
+
+ KRAMER: Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?
+
+ JERRY: Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.
+
+ KRAMER: Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna + see it
+
+ JERRY: All right, I'll go
+
+ KRAMER: All right
+
+ [Jerry exits with garbage]
+
+ [Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment]
+
+ [phone rings]
+
+ KRAMER: Yallo. What delay industries?
+
+ ELAINE: no no , ..
+
+ GEORGE: [from bathroom] VANDALEY, SAY VANDALEY!
+
+ KRAMER: Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right + number but
+ this is an apartment
+
+ GEORGE: [from bathroom] VANDALEY, SAY VANDEL... [George falls] ... + vandaley
+ Industries, ...
+
+ KRAMER: no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know + who that
+ was?
+
+ [Jerry enters - sees George on the floor]
+
+ JERRY: And you want to be my latex salesman.
+
+ [Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor]
+
+ The End
+
+
+
+
+ +

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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+
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The Boyfriend (2)

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+
+ Transcribed by The News Guy(Mike)
+
+ Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld
+ Kramer - Michael Richards
+ George - Jason Alexander
+ Elaine - Julia Louis-Dryfus
+ Keith Hernandez - Himself
+ Rae Allen - Mrs. Lenore Sokol
+ Richard Assad - Cabby
+ Wayne Knight - Newman
+
+ Written by: Larry David and Larry Levin
+ Directed by: Tom Cherones
+
+
+ [New York State department of Labor]
+
+ MRS. SOKOL: Just sign here please.
+ GEORGE: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. + He was
+ very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell +
+ latex like that (snaps fingers).
+ MRS. SOKOL: Sign that.
+ GEORGE: Who is this? (sees photo)
+ MRS. SOKOL: It's my daughta'
+ GEORGE: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't + mind my
+ saying. She is breathtaking.
+ MRS. SOKOL: Ya' think so?
+ GEORGE: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away + and get
+ it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.
+ MRS. SOKOL: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
+ GEORGE: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are + ya'… you
+ trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that. +
+ MRS. SOKOL: I'm serious.
+ GEORGE: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease + and to
+ torture me like this. There's no call for that.
+ MRS. SOKOL: Would you like her phone numba'?
+ MRS. SOKOL: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where + should I sign this
+ thing?
+ MRS. SOKOL: No no no, Don't worry about it.
+
+ [Fitzpatrick's Bar]
+
+ ELAINE: So tell me more about this game SIX.
+ KEITH: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one + out away from losing
+ the series.
+ ELAINE: ooooh ahhh
+
+ [Mike and Carol's Apartment]
+ KRAMER: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
+ JERRY: (to baby) Hello. How are you/
+ CAROL: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
+ JERRY: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place + here.
+ CAROL: So how do you think she looks like?
+ KRAMER: Lyndon Johnson.
+ CAROL: What? Lyndon Johnson?
+ JERRY: He's joking.
+ KRAMER: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
+ CAROL: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the + baby. I kept saying to
+ Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"
+ JERRY: I was saying the same thing.
+ CAROL: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.
+ JERRY: Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
+ MIKE: I don't know where it is.
+ CAROL: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! … + He's such an idiot.
+ JERRY: Jerry, You want to pick her up?
+ JERRY: I better not.
+ KRAMER: I'll pick her up.
+ BABY: [cries]
+
+ [George's car]
+
+ CARRIE:Thank you for a wonderful time George.
+ GEORGE: Glad you enjoyed it.
+ CARRIE:I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
+ GEORGE: … millions and millions …
+ CARRIE:Would you like to come up?
+ GEORGE: [pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. + I, I'm fighting not
+ to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. + Gotta' get up
+ and hit that pavement
+ CARRIE:But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed.
+ GEORGE: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying + I want to do it
+ for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't + you love to make a
+ key?
+ CARRIE:Will you call me as soon as you get home?
+ GEORGE: [pause] Tonight?
+ CARRIE:Yes.
+ GEORGE: Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? + ee, you kill me
+ kill me
+ CARRIE:Well. good night.[puckers up]
+
+ [Mike and Carol's Apartment]
+
+ KRAMER: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. + Ah, she's going to be
+ all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
+
+ [Keith's car]
+
+ ELAINE: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.
+ KEITH: Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night?
+ ELAINE: [mind] Is he going to try to kiss me?
+ ELAINE: I love Cajun cooking.
+ KEITH: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.
+ ELAINE: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha
+ KEITH: Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her.
+ I'm a baseball player dammit.
+ ELAINE: [mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.
+ KEITH: [mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want + to.
+ ELAINE: [mind] This is getting awkward.
+ KEITH: Well, goodnight
+ ELAINE: Good night
+ [they kiss - REALLY KISS]
+ ELAINE: [mind] Who does this guy think he is?
+ KEITH: [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ ELAINE: Uh, who else? … Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know + him?
+ JERRY: I don't know him. I know who he is.
+ ELAINE: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know + he's the one
+ who got that hit …
+ JERRY: I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened? +
+ ELAINE: Nuthin'. Then he took me home.
+ JERRY: So, did you two, uh, … have uh, …
+ ELAINE: What?!
+ JERRY: … You know
+ ELAINE: Milk?
+ JERRY: No!
+ ELAINE: Cookies?
+ JERRY: Did he kiss you good night?
+ ELAINE: I dunno.
+ JERRY: What do you mean you don't know?
+ ELAINE: All right. He kissed me. Okay?
+ JERRY: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? + Was it a long make
+ out thing?
+ ELAINE: Between a peck and a make out.
+ JERRY: So, you like him.
+ ELAINE: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're + jealous of
+ him?
+ JERRY: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.
+ [phone rings]
+ JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, + … um, yeah, okay,
+ uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
+ ELAINE: Who was that?
+ JERRY: That was Keith.
+ ELAINE: What's going on?
+ JERRY: He wants me to help him move.
+ ELAINE: Help him move? Move what?
+ JERRY: You know, furniture.
+ ELAINE: So, what did you say?
+ JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly + know the guy. That's a
+ big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all + + the way.
+ ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for,…
+ JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming + on a little too strong?
+
+ [Kramer enters]
+
+ KRAMER: What's going on?
+ JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
+ KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. + You see wasn't I
+ right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to + do it are you?
+ JERRY: … I said yes.
+ KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? + I mean, how
+ can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going + to do? You're going
+ to start driving him to the airport?
+ JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
+ KRAMER: yeah yeah
+ JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favour .
+ KRAMER: What?
+ JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.
+ KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
+
+ [George's car]
+ GEORGE: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call + you as soon as I get
+ home.
+ CARRIE: Don't bottha
+ GEORGE: Bother, wa', what kind of bother?
+ CARRIE: I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.
+ GEORGE: Why? Is there anything wrong?
+ CARRIE: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. + Sayanara.
+ GEORGE: Why?
+ CARRIE: I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. + You're like Biff
+ Loman.
+ GEORGE: I went to the hardware store interview.
+ CARRIE: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because + he can get me a
+ deal on a box of nails?
+ GEORGE: I thought were a team.
+ CARRIE: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. [exits car]
+ GEORGE: Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention + this to your
+ mother?
+
+ [Fitzpatrick's Bar]
+ KEITH: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight + golden gloves.
+ ELAINE: [chuckles]
+ KEITH: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.
+ ELAINE: Ha, I didn't mention it.
+ KEITH: Well I won them anyway.
+ ELAINE: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they + always put the worst
+ player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.
+ KEITH: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.
+ ELAINE: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. + And I know you'll
+ never be there.
+ KEITH: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on + rounding second
+ tonight at around eleven o'clock.
+ ELAINE: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause + I don't think he's
+ waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really + hitting it off. Get
+ it? Get it?
+ KEITH: Funny.
+
+ [Keith takes out a cigarette]
+
+ ELAINE: What are you doing?
+ KEITH: What's that?
+ ELAINE: You smoke?
+ KEITH: Yeah.
+ ELAINE: I didn't know you SMOKED.
+ KEITH: Is that a problem?
+ ELAINE: Uh, …
+
+ [Monks]
+
+ JERRY: She likes him I mean she really likes him.
+ GEORGE: How do you kn ow?
+ JERRY: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
+ GEORGE: I suppose he's an attractive man, I , …
+ JERRY: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making + wise cracks in some
+ night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They + like go
+ together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that + look alike.
+ GEORGE: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. + There are no bald
+ woman around. You know?
+ JERRY: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never + thought she would find
+ anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my + chance and that's
+ that.
+ GEORGE: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to + have sex with a tall
+ woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
+ JERRY: Really?
+ GEORGE: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
+ JERRY: I don't know … six three.
+ GEORGE: Wow, … god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping + with a giant. It's my
+ life's ambition.
+ JERRY: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for + yourself than say, Thomas
+ Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
+ GEORGE: Magellan? You like Magellan?
+ JERRY: Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come + on.
+ GEORGE: Who do you like?
+ GEORGE: I like DeSoto.
+ JERRY: DeSoto? What did he do?
+ GEORGE: Discovered the Mississippi.
+ JERRY: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
+ GEORGE: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. + Wanna take a
+ walk?
+ JERRY: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet + Keith at my apartment
+ at three. I'm helping him move.
+ GEORGE: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.
+ JERRY: I know isn't that something?
+ KRAMER: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
+ JERRY: I don't know … he's got some valuable antiques, He's + worried they'll break
+ something.
+ GEORGE: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the + airport..
+ JERRY: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
+
+ [New York State Department of lab or]
+ GEORGE: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing + was good enough
+ for her.
+ MRS. SOKOL: Sign here please.
+ GEORGE: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll + tell you something.
+ She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she + looking for some
+ big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going + to beg her.
+ MRS. SOKOL: All right just sign it. People are waiting.
+ GEORGE: You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk]
+ MRS. SOKOL: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning + that year.
+ GEORGE: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith + Hernandez.
+ MRS. SOKOL: You know Keith Hernandez.
+ GEORGE: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?
+ MRS. SOKOL: Oh, come on. Come on.
+ GEORGE: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour. +
+ MRS. SOKOL: All right. You got ONE hour.
+ GEORGE: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will + be right back.
+ [exits]
+
+ [Same phone booth]
+
+ [George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops + into a cab]
+
+ GEORGE: 129 west 81st street and hurry.
+
+ [same cabby stares at him]
+
+ GEORGE: Or Not [exits cab]
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ KEITH: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't + take too long. I'd
+ say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that + much. First we got
+ the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.
+ JERRY: Is there a box spring?
+ KEITH: What's that?
+ JERRY: Is there a box spring?
+ KEITH: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard + and we'll have to take
+ that apart. Then we got the couch.
+ JERRY: Is that a sectional?
+ KEITH: Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> …coffee table.
+ JERRY: Is that a thick marble?
+
+ [… Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith + so they don't make eye
+ contact and break up]
+
+ KEITH: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem + + is going to be the
+ convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so + it's going to be
+ real difficult getting it down the stairs.
+ JERRY: STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
+ KEITH: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.
+ JERRY: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's + too soon. I don't know you. I
+ can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.
+
+ [Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take]
+
+ KRAMER: Hello.
+ KEITH: Hello.
+ KRAMER: Oh, you don't remember me.
+ KEITH: No should I [continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the + basketball game]
+ KRAMER: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh + your memory.
+
+ [Newman enters]
+
+ NEWMAN: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost + the Mets the
+ game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
+ KEITH: YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy."
+ KRAMER: Ah, you remember.
+ NEWMAN: And then you spit on us.
+ KEITH: Hey, I didn't spit at you.
+ NEWMAN: Oh, yeah, right.
+ KRAMER: No no no, well, then who was it?
+ KEITH: Well lookit, the way I remember it [back to the grainy 8mm + film parody] I was
+ walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you + called me pretty
+ boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something + and as I turned
+ around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely + road. …
+ Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I + tried to scream
+ out but it was too late. It was already on its way.
+ JERRY: I told you!
+ NEWMAN: Wow, it was McDowell.
+ JERRY: But why? Why McDowell?
+ KRAMER: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands + cursing at him
+ in the bullpen all game.
+ NEWMAN: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer + on his head.
+ NEWMAN: It was McDowell.
+ KRAMER: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
+ NEWMAN: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
+ KEITH: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better + get going.
+ KRAMER: Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
+ KEITH: I gotta move.
+ KRAMER: Want any help?
+ KEITH: I'd love some.
+ KRAMER: I'd love to help you move.
+ NEWMAN: Me too.
+ KEITH: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's + very fragile
+ We're going to have to handle it like a baby.
+ KRAMER: No sweat.
+
+ [they exit]
+
+ [phone rings]
+
+ JERRY: Hello, … oh hi Elaine .. what's going on … no he + just left … you broke up
+ with him? … ME TOO .. what happened? … oh smoking you + know you're like
+ going out with C. Everet Coope … me … nah … I couldn't + go through with it … I
+ just didn't feel ready … so what are you doing now? … + Oh, great idea, I'll meet you
+ there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
+
+ [George frantically enters]
+ GEORGE: Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?
+ JERRY: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
+ GEORGE: [out the window] Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a + favor? I need you
+ to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend + … the guy from the
+ locker room, … I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. + Wait.
+
+ [sits down]
+
+ JERRY: Well Biff/ What's next?
+ GEORGE: I don't know.
+
+ [Tall girl enters]
+
+ TALL GIRL: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your + wallet.
+
+
+
+ The End
+
+ Jerry Stand up
+ ===========
+ When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you + think about is
+ boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street + going in and out
+ of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean + it's all you think
+ about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. + Shut up I'm looking
+ for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you + can smell them. You walk
+ into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. + Dammit, I can
+ SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard + in the morning. You
+ could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your + looking at the
+ casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that + box? When he's
+ done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles + on it. And that's
+ what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse + is like the van. The
+ pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask + to help you with a big
+ move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've + been waiting for your
+ whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.
+
+
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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The Bris

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +  

+ +

CAST

+

JERRY.............................................JERRY SEINFELD

+

GEORGE............................................JASON ALEXANDER

+

KRAMER............................................MICHAEL RICHARDS

+

ELAINE.........................................JULIA LOUIS- DREYFUS

+

GUEST CAST

+

(in order of appearance)

+

STAN..............................................TOM ALLAN ROBBINS

+

MYRA..............................................JEANNIE ELIAS

+

PATIENT...........................................*FRANK NOON

+

MRS. SWEEDLER.....................................DEBRA MOONEY

+

RESIDENT..........................................JOHN GEGENHUBER

+

*MAN..............................................ALFRED DENNIS

+

*WOMAN............................................TIA RIEBLING

+

MOHEL.............................................CHARLES LEVIN

+

 

+

SEINFELD Revision #1 (pink) 1.

+

"The Bris" Sept 22 1993 (A)

+

 

+

 

+

(Jerry, Elaine, George,

+

Stan, Myra, (Steven))

+

 

+

 

+

 

+

 

+

 

+

ACT ONE

+

 

+

SCENE A

+

 

+

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1)

+

JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE ARE VISITING WITH NEW PARENTS, MYRA AND

+

STAN FLICK AND THEIR BABY STEVEN. MYRA DISCREETLY BREAST FEEDS + THE

+

BABY. STAN IS IN THE MIDST OF THE HARROWING BIRTH STORY, AS JERRY

+

AND ELAINE ALTERNATE BETWEEN BOREDOM AND SQUIRMING. GEORGE, SITS

+

BY THE WINDOW, STARING OUT, IGNORING THE PROCEEDING.

+

STAN

+

...And so the baby's head comes

+

out, and I'm screaming and my

+

brother who's been videotaping the

+

whole thing turns green, his eyes

+

roll up in his head and he blacks

+

out, drops the camera, the camera

+

breaks, then , the placenta comes

+

flying out.

+

ELAINE

+

Whoa.

+

STAN

+

And then doctor says...

+

JERRY

+

Thank you, that's enough.

+

JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE. MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY

+

WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH. HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED.

+

STAN

+

Will you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow.

+

Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck...

+

Jerry

+

(LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

+

STAN

+

Look at that Jerry, look at that.

+

Sucking, sucking...

+

Jerry

+

Yeah, I looked. I saw.

+

STAN

+

This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?

+

Jerry

+

Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) See your friend's

+

wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me

+

uncomfortable?

+

STAN

+

Look at him.

+

Jerry

+

How long do they do that?

+

STAN

+

Oh, a year or two.

+

Jerry

+

No break?

+

STAN

+

Then comes the weaning.

+

Jerry

+

So after the sucking, comes the weaning.

+

Elaine

+

First the sucking then the weaning.

+

Jerry

+

Well, you gotta wean.

+

STAN

+

Gotta wean.

+

Elaine

+

It's a must wean situation.

+

PAUSE.

+

George

+

What about that spot I got?

+

Jerry

+

Yeah, that's a great spot.

+

George

+

You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the

+

hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just

+

willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front

+

of Jerry's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of

+

the post office?

+

Jerry

+

Yes.

+

George

+

I'm driving to the post office.

+

Jerry

+

(INTERRUPTING) George.

+

George

+

Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting

+

message to start his life out with. You can still get a great

+

space in this town - if you apply yourself.

+

Jerry

+

Where's KRAMER? He should've been here by now.

+

Elaine

+

Did you give him the room number?

+

Jerry

+

Yes, 1397.

+

CUT TO:

+

(Kramer, Patient, Orderlies)

+

ACT ONE

+

SCENE B

+

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1

+

KRAMER, WANDERING.

+

KRAMER

+

1937, 1937, 1937...

+

A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM

+

PATIENT

+

Excuse me. Do you know where the staircase is?

+

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND.

+

KRAMER

+

Uh.. over there...

+

PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS

+

WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM.

+

KRAMER (CONT'D)

+

1937.

+

HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY

+

SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE.

+

CUT TO:

+

ACT ONE

+

SCENE C

+

IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1

+

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE

+

THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS

+

HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, HE

+

BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE

+

CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" OR "SQUEAL" + OF A PIG. HIS

+

CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS

+

INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT,

+

SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING.

+

KRAMER

+

Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man!

+

CUT TO:

+

(Jerry, Elaine, George, Stan, Myra, Kramer (Steven)

+

ACT ONE

+

SCENE D

+

INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1

+

STAN

+

..So anyway, Jerry and Elaine, we have something we want to ask

+

you.

+

GEORGE

+

Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in

+

front of me and the car behind me.

+

Jerry

+

Will you shut up.

+

Elaine

+

I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore.

+

Jerry

+

So what were you about to say, Stan?

+

STAN

+

Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of

+

Steven.

+

Elaine

+

Wow.

+

Jerry

+ +

Me? A godfather?

+

STAN

+

Yes.

+

Jerry

+

(A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against the family, Elaine.

+

Elaine

+

What?

+

KRAMER ENTERS.

+

KRAMER

+

The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then + he

+

woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (MAKES

+

SOUND).

+

George

+

Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

+

KRAMER

+

I'm talking about the pigman, George. I went into the wrong room

+

and there he was.

+

George

+

A pigman?

+

KRAMER

+

Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man.

+

Elaine

+

That's nice, Kramer... So, anyway, what exactly is involved in

+

being a Godparent?

+

Jerry

+

(A LA DON CORLEIONE) Elaine, don't ever ask me about my

+

business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."

+

MYRA

+

Nothing really.

+

STAN

+

The most important thing is to help with the bris.

+

Jerry

+

The bris?

+

Elaine

+

The bris?

+

KRAMER

+

A bris? you mean snip snip?

+

STAN

+

Yeah.

+

KRAMER

+

I would advise against that.

+

Elaine

+

Kramer. It's a tradition.

+

KRAMER

+

Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we

+

don't do that anymore.

+

Jerry

+

Well, maybe we should.

+

George

+

Why are all those people milling around my car?

+

KRAMER

+

I don't know.

+

Jerry

+

Maybe they're admiring your spot.

+

KRAMER

+

No. They're all looking up.

+

George.

+

Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital.

+

KRAMER

+

Whoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was.

+

George

+

Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no!

+

BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE

+

THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S CAR.

+

GEORGE

+

My car! My car!

+

GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM.

+

CUT TO:

+

(Jerry George, Elaine, Kramer)

+

ACT ONE

+

SCENE E

+

INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2)

+

JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS HIS FACE BURIED IN THE

+

NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS.

+

ELAINE

+

A mohel! What the hell is a mohel?

+

Jerry

+

A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision.

+

Elaine

+

Where am I going to find a Mohel?

+

(LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) How do you find a

+

mohel? Motels, models..

+

Jerry

+

Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a

+

Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they

+

do it. How would you like that job?

+

Elaine

+

Have you ever seen one?

+

Jerry

+

You mean that wasn't -

+

Elaine

+

Yeah.

+

Jerry

+

No.. you?

+

Elaine

+

Ya.

+

Jerry

+

What'd you think?

+

Elaine

+

(SHAKES HER HEAD) No...

+

Jerry

+

Not good?

+

Elaine

+

No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a

+

martian. But hey, that's me.

+

Jerry

+

Hey.

+

GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE.

+

GEORGE

+

Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that

+

roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital

+

administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's

+

not gonna be me.

+

Jerry

+

Ah, you're screwed.

+

George

+

I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What

+

do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet?

+

Land on the sidewalk. That's city property.

+

What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again

+

if his life depended on it...

+

Elaine

+

Well I have to interview a Mohel.

+

Jerry

+

Oh, poor Elaine. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing

+

schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions.

+

Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels.

+

SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM

+

OF REVELATION.

+

JERRY

+

What's the matter?

+

Elaine

+

Are you alright?

+

KRAMER

+

Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed.

+

(RE:PAPER) Look at that.

+

Jerry

+

What now?

+

HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER

+

JERRY (CONT'D)

+

"Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." + Government

+

funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?

+

KRAMER

+

Pigman, baby. Pigman.

+

Elaine

+

Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...

+

KRAMER

+

I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been

+

experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.

+

Jerry

+

Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study

+

DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

+

KRAMER

+

Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're

+

probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

+

George

+

I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking

+

around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to

+

fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"

+

Jerry

+

Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No

+

matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts

+

attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on."

+

ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

+

ELAINE

+

(MUMBLES) Alright, that's about enough

+

Jerry

+

Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this?

+

Elaine

+

No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the

+

rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and

+

I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel.

+

KRAMER

+

You should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.

+

Elaine

+

Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped.

+

Until then, off with their heads.

+

ELAINE LEAVES.

+

GEORGE

+

But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?

+

KRAMER

+

Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more

+

pleasurable.

+

George

+

Yeah. So how does that help me?

+

Jerry

+

(TO GEORGE) Hey George, have you ever seen one?

+

George

+

Yeah, my roommate in college.

+

Jerry

+

So what'd you think?

+

George

+

I got used to it.

+

DISSOLVE TO:

+

 

+

 

+

 

+

ACT ONE

+ +

SCENE G

+

(JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER)

+

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2

+

JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE PASS IN HALLWAY.

+

Jerry

+

Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig-

+

man.

+

KRAMER

+

Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be

+

the same.

+

Jerry

+

Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of

+

people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.

+

KRAMER

+

Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink

+

of pigman cries for help.

+

Jerry

+

If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here.

+

KRAMER

+

I can't let this go on.

+

Jerry

+

Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention

+

is to ...emancipate him?

+

KRAMER

+

That's right. (CALLING OUT)

+

Sue-wee!

+

Jerry

+

Kramer! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT

+

PASSERBY) Human, human, human...

+

HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.

+

JERRY (CONT'D)

+

(WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's George.

+

GEORGE APPROACHES.

+

GEORGE

+

Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys

+

by the car.

+

KRAMER

+

You got room for the pig-man?

+

George

+

The pig-man can take the bus.

+

KRAMER

+

You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.

+

George

+

How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?

+

KRAMER

+

Come on George, be realistic.

+

George

+

All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see

+

you later.

+

GEORGE EXITS.

+

CUT TO:

+

(George, Mrs. Sweedler)

+

ACT ONE

+

SCENE H

+

INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY 2

+

THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON

+

EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK.

+

MRS. SWEEDLER

+

Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple + of

+

days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief

+

stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.

+

George

+

Well, I join them in their grief.

+

Mrs. Sweedler

+

Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's

+

wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the

+

window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all

+

thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. + A man

+

is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat...

+

George

+

Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You

+

see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?

+

Mrs. Sweedler

+

Mrs. Sweedler's fine.

+

George

+

You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way. +

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

How is that?

+

George

+

Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it

+

were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but

+

think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have

+

been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible,

+

what with the baldness and all.

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.

+

George

+

Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage,

+

unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering

+

it virtually undriveable.

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

(STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame.

+

George

+

Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all

+

due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the

+

situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some

+

responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", + of

+

this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.

+

SHE GLARES

+

Mrs.Sweedler

+

Mr.Constanza.

+

George

+

Yes.

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise -

+

George

+

Yes.

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

... and you greedily, callously try to profit from it.

+

George

+

(PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET)

+

Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not

+

really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

(WITH ANGER) How dare you.

+

GEORGE

+

What?

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

Have you no decency? Have you no shame?

+

George

+

Yes.. you know, depending.

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office.

+

GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT.

+

GEORGE

+

Should I leave these with you?

+

Mrs. SWEEDLER

+

Get out!

+

HE EXITS.

+

CUT TO:

+

ACT ONE

+

SCENE J

+

(Jerry, Kramer, resident)

+

INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2

+

KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER

+

STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT. JERRY TRIES TO LOOK

+

INCONSPICUOUS.

+

KRAMER

+

Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room

+

before?

+

Resident

+

I don't know what you're talking about.

+

KRAMER

+

You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).

+

Resident

+

No.

+

KRAMER

+

(STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?

+

Resident

+

Sir?

+

KRAMER

+

Look, I know what's going on. Oink, oink.

+

Resident

+

I really have some patients I have to attend to.

+

HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM

+

AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.

+

KRAMER

+

(TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man

+

half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where + is

+

he?!

+

Resident

+

Half-what?

+

KRAMER

+

You know what - bacon, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a-

+

deek th-th-th-that's all folks.

+

Resident

+

Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall.

+

KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO RUNS AWAY.

+

Jerry

+

Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.

+

KRAMER

+

You go ahead.

+

KRAMER WALKS OFF.

+

Jerry

+

KRAMER

+

BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING.

+

FADE OUT

+

END OF ACT ONE

+

 

+

ACT TWO

+

SCENE K

+

(Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer, Stan, Myra, Mohel man, Woman,

+

(Steven))

+

INT FLICKS' DAY 3

+

JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS, AND ASSORTED GUESTS

+

Jerry

+

Where's the Mohel?

+

ELAINE

+

He'll be here.

+

Jerry

+

He's late already.

+

Elaine

+

Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.

+

Jerry

+

How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well.

+ +

Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and

+

he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?

+

Elaine

+

I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.

+

Jerry

+

Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals

+

and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have

+

conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.

+

Elaine

+

What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the

+

stands.

+

Jerry

+

Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our

+

friendship.

+

ELAINE

+

yes it is level jumping.

+

ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN.

+

George

+

So uh... ever been to a bris before?

+

Woman

+

No.

+

George

+

If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close

+

to me. I'll get you through it.

+

Woman

+

I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage.

+

George

+

Oh.

+

ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE IS SOBBING.

+

KRAMER

+

Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts

+

bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory.

+

Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love

+

your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while + a

+

stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered

+

lunch?

+

MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING

+

KRAMER (cont'd)

+

She'll be okay.

+

HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY CONFRONTS KRAMER.

+

Elaine

+

What's wrong with you?

+

KRAMER

+

Me? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on?

+

Elaine

+

Hey have you ever seen one of those?

+

KRAMER

+

No.

+

Elaine

+

Well I have and believe me it's no picnic.

+

KRAMER

+

Oh, how bad could it be?

+

Elaine

+

(TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one?

+

Man

+

One what?

+

Elaine

+

... you know

+

Man

+

I have.

+

Woman

+

I have.

+

Elaine

+

And?

+

All

+

(SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No...

+

George

+

I got used to it.

+

SFX: DOORBELL.

+

RELIEVED< EVERYONE RUNS TO THE DOOR.

+

ALL (CONT'd)

+

(ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel

+

is here.

+

THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG.

+

EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS

+

IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE ASSEMBLED GUESTS.

+

 

+

MOHEL

+

Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...

+

A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.

+

MOHEL (CONT'D)

+

Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I

+

almost had a heart attack!

+

THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.

+

MOHEL (CONT'D)

+

(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to

+

perform the mitzvah of the bris and...

+

SFX: BABY CRYING

+

MOHEL (CONT'D)

+

(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is

+

that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry,

+

'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your

+

child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying

+

in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you

+

insane?!!!

+

MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS

+

FOREHEAD.

+

ELAINE

+

Did you find the place alright?

+

Mohel

+

Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more

+

dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway,

+

someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag,

+

'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood

+

and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the

+

gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God

+

forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's

+

too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh!

+

What's the point.

+

Elaine

+

Do you feel alright?

+

Mohel

+

(TO ELAINE< INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass + is?

+

How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole

+

table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, + so

+

half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that

+

glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the

+

carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag,

+

broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you

+

can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and

+

knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and

+

then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin'

+

barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill

+

yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is

+

it? .. Do you?

+

THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.

+

ELAINE

+

(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended.

+

ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER

+

KRAMER

+

(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching.

+

Mohel

+

Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!?

+

NO RESPONSE.

+

MOHEL (cont;d)

+

(WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby?

+

ELAINE

+

Jerry is.. (TO JERRY) Jerry!

+

Jerry

+

(UNCERTAIN) Yeah.

+

Elaine

+

Jerry go over there.

+

Jerry

+

All right.

+

Elaine

+

Go.

+

Jerry

+

I'm going.

+

Elaine

+

C'mon

+

Jerry

+

Don't push me.

+

MOHEL

+

Okay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I

+

need the baby!

+

KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE

+

BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER, HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS

+

THE BABY TIGHTLY.

+

KRAMER

+

I can't let you do this.

+

(AD-LIB Kramer!

+

EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM.

+

KRAMER.

+

I can't let you do this!

+

PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS +

+

A STRUGGLE.

+

ALL

+

(AD LIB) Let go of the baby! Kramer!

+

KRAMER

+

No! No! I won't!

+

THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER.

+

MOHEL

+

People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This

+

is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show.

+

This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This

+

is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant

+

between God and Abraham... or something.

+

THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT.

+

MOHEL (CONT'D)

+

Damn.

+

PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP.

+

MOHEL (CONT'D)

+

No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away!

+

(MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The

+

money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no

+

families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your

+

life... Anyway.

+

HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE

+

PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD. WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED,

+

NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES THE INSTRUMENT.

+

ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS THE INSTRUMENT DOWN.

+

SFX: CROWD SCREAMING.

+

CUT TO:

+

ACT TWO

+

SCENE L

+

(Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer)

+ +

INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3

+

Jerry

+

Hurry up George! Step on it!

+

George

+

Alright, alright!

+

Jerry

+

That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised

+

my finger!

+

Elaine

+

You flinched.

+

Jerry

+

Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?

+

ELAINE

+

How should he know He blacked out. He fainted.

+

George

+

It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you

+

flinching. Then, everything went black.

+

Jerry

+

Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's

+

my phone finger!

+

George

+

Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car.

+

KRAMER

+

What about the baby?

+

Jerry

+

The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a

+

precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me.

+

Elaine

+

Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches.

+

Jerry

+

Stitches? I've never had stitched. I'll be deformed. I can't live

+

with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!

+

George

+

Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in

+

front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? + Is

+

that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that?

+

Cut to:

+

ACT two

+

Scene

+

Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse)

+

(guards))

+

Int Hospital Day 3

+

JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

+

Jerry

+

I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness.

+

KRAMER

+

You'll be okay. I'll see you later.

+

KRAMER EXITS

+

George

+

Where's he going?

+

ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB.

+

George (con'td)

+

I'm gonna look for a bathroom.

+

MOHEL ENTERS.

+

Jerry

+

Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a

+

circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger.

+

MOHEL

+

(RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You flinched!

+

Jerry

+

Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?

+

MOHEL

+

(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See! See! He flinched again!

+

Jerry

+

Good mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva mohel.

+

MOHEL

+

One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked

+

sturgeon.

+

Jerry

+

Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.

+

MOHEL

+

Butcher Boy?!

+

Jerry

+

What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING) What was this?

+

MOHEL

+

What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)

+

JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE.

+

MOHEL (cont;d)

+

It was your fault!

+

Jerry

+

It was not!

+

Elaine

+

Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!

+

THE FLICKS ENTER.

+

STAN

+

Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here?

+

STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP OF FIGHT.

+

STAN (cont'd)

+

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

+

MOHEL

+

Ah, blood.

+

Elaine

+

How's the baby?

+

STAN

+

The baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby.

+

MOHEL

+

Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.

+

ALL

+

(AD LIB) Amen.

+

THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND WHISPERS.

+

MOHEL

+

I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. + No

+

one ruins this for me. No on! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.

+

THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE

+

HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE

+

AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE

+

MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT.

+

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE.

+

DISSOLVE TO:

+

ACT TWO

+

SCENE N

+

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4)

+

JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE WITH BANDAGED FINGER,

+

JERRY

+

I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy,

+

They massacred my boy.

+

Elaine

+

You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even

+

close.

+

SFX:BUZZER

+

Jerry

+

It's the Flicks.

+

George

+

(ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front

+

of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five

+

feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig.

+

Yeah, okay, thanks a lot.

+

KRAMER ENTERS.

+

George

+

So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?"

+

KRAMER

+

No.

+

George

+

And he's not a pigman is he?

+

KRAMER

+

NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient.

+

THE FLICKS ENTER

+

Jerry

+

Hi STAN, hi Myra.

+

ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA PULLS HIM AWAY.

+

MYRA

+

Don't touch him

+

Jerry

+

What's wrong?

+

STAN

+

You're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine.

+

You're both out.

+

Elaine

+

But-

+

STAN

+

We want Kramer.

+

KRAMER

+

(A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored.

+

KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO EXIT

+

Jerry

+

But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special

+

relationship.

+

KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT

+

SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING

+

KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE

+

CRACK IN THE DOOR.

+

STAN (CONT'D)

+

Godfather.

+

MYRA

+

Godfather.

+

KRAMER LOOKS INTO APARTMENT AT INCREDULOUS JERRY ELAINE AND

+

GEORGE, THEN CLOSES THE DOOR. WE HEAR THE GODFATHER THEME.

+

FADE OUT

+

 

+

END OF ACT TWO

+

 

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+ +

Transcribed by The News Guy (Mike)

+

 

+

Cast:

+

Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld

+

George Costanza Jason Alexander

+

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus

+

Kramer Michael Richards

+

Heidi Swedberg [Susan Ross]

+

Jessica Lundy [ Naomi ]

+

Brian Doyle-Murray [ Mel ]

+

Carol Mansell [ Mother ]

+

O-Lan Jones [ Waitress ]

+

Jon Hayman [ Voice and Arm of Donald ]

+

George Gerdes [ Man #1 ]

+

Tony Pappenfuss [ Man #2 ]

+

 

+

Written by: Larry David & Larry Charles

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

=====================================================

+

Stock shot of Hunan Chinese restaurant at night

+

<Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment>

+

JERRY: Well this is it.

+

P: This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.

+

JERRY: Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that + garlic.

+

P: Yeah, me too,

+

JERRY: No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things + were garlic.

+

P: Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think + Naked

+

gun is on. I've seen it. I

+

laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?

+

JERRY: No, I mean, I don't think so.

+

P: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you uwere happy go lucky. +

+

JERRY: No, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. + If anything

+

I'm sad stop unlucky.

+

N: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

+

JERRY: That's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. + Why don't you

+

check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on.

+

GEORGE: (on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set + foe the week end.

+

This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with + Naomi.

+

All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's + like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

+

AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin + and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...

+

<Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug>

+

JERRY: This thing has never worked right.

+

N: You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

+

JERRY: Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved + internationally known cartoon characters of

+

all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " + Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the

+

healthiest ways ... <Naomi exits> it makes the juice ... + extracts the pulp and the vitamins, for long life

+

and vitality.

+

<break>

+

JERRY: How could you leave a mesage like that on my machine.?

+

GEORGE: Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody?

+

JERRY: Because I didn't think anyone would leave it!

+

GEORGE: Well, I didn't think anyone would play it.

+

JERRY: Well, now she's not going away for this weekend.

+

GEORGE: What do you mean not goin'? We got plans here. Call her + up.

+

JERRY: Well, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going + to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a

+

girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out with + a fish monger.

+

Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty bad + smell.

+

GEORGE: Well maybe you should ask Elaine.

+

JERRY: Yeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted.

+

GEORGE: Oh no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand + him. He vomited all over her.

+

JERRY: Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?

+

<Kramer enters smoking a cigar>

+

JERRY: Ah, Kramer.

+

KRAMER: Hello boys, top of the morning to ya. What do you say? + What do ya be?

+

JERRY: Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. + You had to give him a box of cigars.

+

KRAMER: So, what are you guys doin this weekend?

+

JERRY:, GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..

+

KRAMER: Because I'm going to e playing golf at the Westchester + country club. Hum.

+

JERRY: Westchester? Isn't that a private club?

+

KRAMER: Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. + But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St.

+

and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play + a free round then he says anytime I lay one of

+

these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't + that beautiful.

+

JERRY: and GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye,

+

KRAMER: Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. foooo

+

GEORGE: Gee, that's too bad.

+

JERRY: Too bad.

+

KRAMER: Why? What wa?

+

GEORGE: Well, they got any golf courses up there?

+

JERRY: and GEORGE: No, no, no, no.

+

GEORGE: That's pie country.

+

JERRY: Yeah

+

GEORGE: They do a lot of baking up there.

+

JERRY: They sell them by the side of the road.

+

PIE PIE PIE PIE

+

 

+

<MONKS>

+

ELAINE: I don't know.

+

JERRY: Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. + If you're there it will be a better group.

+

ELAINE: What's that?

+

JERRY: Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't + know what to write on these things.

+

I hate doin' this.

+

ELAINE: "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed + caus' its like a dry cleaner?

+

JERRY: Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to + go?

+

ELAINE: Well, what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!

+

JERRY: Well, um same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.

+

ELAINE: What about me?

+

JERRY: You'll be naked of course.

+

ELAINE: Uh, thats, ...

+

MEL: Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

MEL: My name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there. +

+

JERRY: Oh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo.

+

MEL: It's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show + a couple of weeks ago. I was watching

+

the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency + in his blood. Damnedest thing.

+

Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine + that? A bubble.

+

JERRY: A bubble?

+

ELAINE: A bubble?

+

MEL: Yes, a bubble!

+

MEL: Do you mind? May I?

+

ELAINE: Oh, sure.

+

<Mel sits down with them>

+

 

+

MEL: Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a + prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me.

+

And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed + everything. All for our little bubble boy

+

<breaks up in tears>

+

: <in tears>

+

MEL: Excuse me, I

+

ELAINE: Here <giving out paper napkins>

+

<<THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SCENES - MEL AND ELAINE WIPE + TEARS FROM THEIR EYES, JERRY WIPES CRUMBS FROM HIS MOUTH>>

+

MEL: Excuse me, anyway we were watching you on TV

+

JERRY: You get in the bubble with him?

+

MEL: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.

+

JERRY: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.

+

MEL: No, it's clear.

+

JERRY: Ah ha.

+

ELAINE: Who has the remote?

+

MEL: He does.

+

ELAINE: The remote goes through the bubble?

+

MEL: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.

+

JERRY: So you have no control over the remote?

+

MEL: No, it's frustrating.

+

ELAINE: Yeah, of course, yeah.

+

MEL: So anyway, you're his favourite comedian. he laughed so hard + the other night we had to give him an extra shot

+

of hemoglobin.

+

JERRY: That's nice!

+

MEL: Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him + if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit

+

and just say hello.

+

JERRY: Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ...

+

ELAINE: Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.

+ +

JERRY: Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where do you live, uh up + town? Upper west side?

+

MEL: Up state.

+

JERRY: Up state! Hummm.

+

<break>

+

<Jerry's apartment>

+

JERRY: He's a bubble boy.

+

GEORGE: A bubble boy?

+

JERRY: Yes. a bubble boy.

+

SUSAN: What's a bubble boy?

+

JERRY: He lives in a bubble.

+

GEORGE: Boy!

+

SUSAN: So, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?

+

JERRY: No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big + piece of plastic dividing the room.

+

SUSAN: Oh,

+

GEORGE: What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think + like that dry cleaning plastic?

+

JERRY: That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. anyway + what can I do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.

+

It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.

+

SUSAN: Well, where does he live?

+

JERRY: I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'

+

SUSAN: Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.

+

GEORGE: All right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the + bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.

+

JERRY: You think we can do it?

+

SUSAN: I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.

+

JERRY: Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.

+

SUSAN: I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather + built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.

+

GEORGE: All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, + we'll see you tomorrow.

+

JERRY: OK,

+

<Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar>

+

KRAMER: Well,

+

GEORGE: and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.

+

<Susan recoils at his presence>

+

KRAMER: Well, I'm off to the links.

+

GEORGE: and JERRY: Yeah,

+

KRAMER: Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm + sorry I can't make it.

+

SUSAN: The what?

+

GEORGE: Nothing, uh lets get going. Come on.

+

SUSAN: Did you..

+

GEORGE: No, no, we'll talk about it later.

+

SUSAN: Is that one of the cigars my father gave you?

+

<break>

+

<IN car on highway

+

ELAINE: hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like + her?

+

JERRY: Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it. +

+

ELAINE: Oh, that's nice!

+

JERRY: What's he doing? What is his hurry?

+

ELAINE: Well you know George. It's not enough to get there. you + gotta make good time.

+

JERRY: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport + in 25 minutes.

+

I never heard the end of it....Look at him.

+

<George's car>

+

GEORGE: Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that?

+

SUSAN: Why?

+

GEORGE: ... just sit in your seat over there you're distracting + me. We're making incredible time here.

+

I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15 minutes. + hu uh Here hold this. It's

+

ten dollars for the tolls.

+

<Jerry's car>

+

JERRY: What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? + I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?

+

ELAINE: Isn't that blue car him?

+

JERRY: No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe + it. I lost him. That stupid idiot.

+

Now what are we going to do?

+

ELAINE: It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble + boy's house.

+

JERRY: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even + remember the name of the town.

+

ELAINE: Wa',you don't have the directions?

+

JERRY: No, I was following him.

+

ELAINE: How could you not take the directions?

+

JERRY: Because, HE'S my directions.

+

<from George's car>

+

SUSAN: I didn't see them George.

+

<Jerry ranting in his car>

+

JERRY: we make all these plans - he goes a hundred miles an hour + - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -

+

ELAINE: Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for + you in his bubble, or igloo thing or whatever.

+

JERRY: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM

+

ELAINE: Just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out. +

+

<from George's car>

+

SUSAN: We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!

+

GEORGE: It's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it + to follow somebody?

+

SUSAN: Well now what are you going to do?

+

GEORGE: It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. +

+

SUSAN: Does he have the address?

+

<Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper + from the counter>

+

JERRY: (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. + Thanks.

+

N: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi, Listen, if its not + too late I've changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin

+

KRAMER: Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. + Yeah, I'm the next door neighbour. Aw, well you know,

+

Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled. + Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got

+

pies and I got the directions right here.

+

<break>

+

<Kramer's car>

+

KRAMER: So then I drive all the way up to the country club and + then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind

+

if I smoke?

+

N: No.

+

KRAMER: These are Cubans. <IN FAKE SPANISH> Maria, poquendo + los scientos de estes con gleam.

+

N: ha ha ha ha ha ha

+

<The Sangers' house>

+

GEORGE: I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's + car anywhere.

+

<Susan smooches him>

+

GEORGE: Stop, would you quit it.

+

GEORGE: Maybe someone is going to see us here.

+

SUSAN: So what? You are SUCH a prude.

+

GEORGE: Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best + of them.

+

SUSAN: Come on lets go in.

+

GEORGE: What?

+

SUSAN: Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might + be very late if they make it at all.

+

GEORGE: I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.

+

SUSAN: What's the matter?

+

G I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died + two months early because of the way I reacted in the

+

hospital. She was getting' better.

+

And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That + was the end of it.

+

SUSAN: We're goin' in. Come on.

+

GEORGE: Susan, please... <grabs her>

+

SUSAN: George. Stop.

+

GEORGE: Would you wai,..

+

<Highway diner>

+

JERRY: <ranting> Can't believe how a little thing like George + going too fast - how my whole weekend is gone - the plans,

+

packing, ... everything

+

ELAINE: Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?

+

JERRY: Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have + to mention the BB? You don't have to mention the BB.

+

I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding + me about the BB?

+

<Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum>

+

JERRY: I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.

+

WAITRESS: How about you?

+

ELAINE: I'll just have a glass of water.

+

JERRY: (whispers) You can't just have water.

+

ELAINE: Why not? That's all I want.

+

JERRY: Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in + and sit down. It's a business.

+

WAITRESS: Hold it a second. Don't you play on TV?

+

JERRY: Oh, no.

+

ELAINE: YES! yes. You saw him on TV.

+

WAITRESS: What's your name?

+

ELAINE: Jerry Seinfeld.

+

JERRY: Elaaaiinne...

+

WAITRESS: Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show.

+

ELAINE: Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?

+

WAITRESS: Oh, ha ha

+

JERRY: Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.

+

ELAINE: He's lying. They're in the trunk <takes car keys > + Now you get to sign another one.

+

JERRY: I'm not lying.

+

ELAINE: Yeah, he is. <as she leaves>

+

JERRY: She'll have a cup of copy and a broiled chicken.

+

<Sanger's house>

+

Mrs. Sanger: You see it's not really a bubble. A lot of people + think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic

+

divider.

+

GEORGE: and SUSAN: <nod>

+

<long pause>

+

GEORGE: Can you uh, go in the bubble?

+

Mrs. SANGER: Well, you have to put so many things on because of + the germs.

+

MEL: The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.

+

GEORGE: So then he makes his own bed?

+

Mrs. SANGER: well, that's one of the things we fight about.

+

MEL: Would you like to meet him?

+

GEORGE: Uh, well, you know,...

+

Mrs. SANGER: He loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit + with him.

+

DONALD: HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND + HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER,

+

SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.

+

Mrs. SANGER: <embarrassed> ha ha ha.

+

 

+

<Highway Diner>

+

: he he he One picture left in the truck.

+ +

JERRY: Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned out to be a GREAT weekend. +

+

ELAINE: Where's my water?

+

JERRY: Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.

+

WAITRESS: Thanks.

+

ELAINE: Waddya' write?

+

WAITRESS: "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."

+

E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in + your diner."?

+

JERRY: No good?

+

ELAINE: THIS is what you came up with?

+

JERRY: Well.

+

ELAINE: That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading + that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.

+

JERRY: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. would you + mind. I'd like to take the picture back. I'm not happy with what + I wrote.

+

WAITRESS: It's good. I like it.

+

JERRY: No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with + something really funny written on it.

+

WAITRESS: Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this + one.

+

JERRY: No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.

+

WAITRESS: RIGHT! <leaves>

+

<Donald's room>

+

Mrs. SANGER: This is Donald.

+

GEORGE: Hi.

+

SUSAN: Hello.

+

DONALD: WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?

+

Mrs. SANGER: He's on his way. These are his friends.

+

DONALD: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?

+

GEORGE: 'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend + Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... you know ...bubble. I got a lot of + bubble experience. Come on.

+

DONALD: WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

+

SUSAN: I, I have no story.

+

GEORGE: She works for NBC.

+

DONALD: HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?

+

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, behave yourself.

+

DONALD: COME ON.

+

Mrs. SANGER: I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of trivial + Pursuit?

+

GEORGE: Well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...

+

DONALD: WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?

+

GEORGE: Humph, no, uh, it's just that ...

+

DONALD: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.

+

<Highway Diner>

+

JERRY: Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't + like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give + it back to me.

+

WAITRESS: You are really startin' to get under my skin.

+

JERRY: I want that picture.

+

WAITRESS: Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just + pay your check and get out.

+

<Elaine digging into the roast chicken>

+

JERRY: I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.

+

WAITRESS: Well, you ain't getting' it back.

+

JERRY: Well, maybe I'll just take it back. <Hits picture>

+

ELAINE: This chicken is really good.

+

<BB's room>

+

DONALD: OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? + NOT TOO GOOD!

+

GEORGE: All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the + 8th century?

+

DONALD: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.

+

GEORGE: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer + is, The MOOPS.

+

DONALD: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S + MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.

+

GEORGE: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.

+

DONALD: IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS.

+

GEORGE: It's MOOPS.

+

DONALD: MOORS.

+

GEORGE: MOOPS,

+

DONALD: MOORS!

+

<The4 cabin>

+

KRAMER: Hey, anybody home?

+

N: What should we do?

+

KRAMER: Huh, hold these <boxes of> pies.

+

<Kramer falls in through open window>

+

<Donald's room>

+

GEORGE: Help, someone. <BUBBLE BOY is strangling George>

+

DONALD: THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.

+

SUSAN: Stop it. Let go of him!

+

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald!

+

DONALD: I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

+

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, ... donald...

+

DONALD: MOORS. SAY MOORS!

+

Mrs. SANGER: Donald, No. ... stop it ..

+

<Susan bursts the bubble>

+

<hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat>

+

<Highway Diner>

+

<Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine + is grabbing the cook>

+

JERRY: What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!

+

WAITRESS: Are you going to pay for that?

+

JERRY: No, I want the picture back.

+

<angry guy enters>

+

MAN #1: Something's happened to the BB. They're rushing him to + the hospital.

+

WAITRESS: What? <releases Jerry>

+

JERRY: The BB? He lives around here?

+

MAN #1: That's his house right down the road.

+

MAN #2: He got in a fight with some guy.

+

Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the BB?

+

MAN #2: Some little bald guy from the city.

+

MAN #1: Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?

+

<Elaine and Jerry make their escape>

+

<The cabin>

+

KRAMER: Naomi, come on let's get goin'.

+

N: But that lake must be freezing.

+

KRAMER: Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.

+

N: Ready to go swimming?

+

KRAMER: Let's go. OK,

+

N: ha ha ha ha ha

+

 

+

<The Sanger house>

+

GEORGE: Jerry, what happened to you?

+

JERRY: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles + an hour.

+

GEORGE: I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan + tell him.

+

SUSAN: It's a long story.

+

DONALD: HEY SEINFELD!

+

JERRY: Hey, Happy Birthday.

+

ELAINE: Hi.

+

DONALD: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED + TO KILL ME.

+

GEORGE: Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' + you little twerp?

+

DONALD: MOORS

+

GEORGE: MOOPS

+

DONALD: MOORS

+

<The towns people arrive>

+

MAN #1: There's the guy that tried to kill the BB. Get him.

+

GEORGE: Go, go, get out, ...

+

<our heroes run for it>

+

<Jerry's car, sirens blasting>

+

JERRY: Fire engines?

+

<George's car>

+

GEORGE: Must be a big one.

+

<In the woods>

+

SUSAN: Do you smell something?

+

JERRY: Yeah, smoke.

+

GEORGE: yeah, <cough> Definite smoke.

+

ELAINE: Argh, look at the fire! <cough>

+

JERRY: Holy cow! look at that!

+

SUSAN: IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!

+

ELAINE: The CABIN is on fire!

+

GEORGE: I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from + the toll.

+

ELAINE: How could this have happened?

+

<Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits>

+

KRAMER: <singing> ... wild funky mountain man ...

+

N: Oy, my god, the cabin?

+

JERRY: What are you two doin' here?

+

N: Look at that.

+

JERRY: You didn't <makes motion like lighting a cigar>

+

KRAMER: <runs to burning cabin> My Cubans!

+

THE END

+

 

+

 

+

 

+ +

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+


+ [Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]
+
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+ Written by: Jennifer Crittenden
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+ Episode no. 172
+ pc: 916, season 9, episode 16
+ Broadcast date: March 19, 1998
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+ The Cast
+
+ Regulars:
+ Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld
+ Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
+ Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
+ Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer
+
+ Guest Stars:
+
+ Daniel Von Bargen................ Kruger
+ Cindy Ambuehl.................... Sophie
+ Daniel Dae Kim................... Student #1
+ Henry Woronicz................... Father Curtis
+ Ursaline Bryant.................. Dr. Wexler
+ Alex Craig Mann.................. Student #2
+ Brian Posehn..................... Artie
+ Alec Holland..................... Co-Worker #1
+ Suli McCullough.................. Co-Worker #2
+ Patrick Warburton................ Puddy
+ Danny Woodburn................... Mickey
+
+
+
+ First scene.
+ Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute
+ instructions.
+
+ Puddy: Alright, be careful with the car, babe.
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, yeah.
+
+ Puddy: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.
+
+ Elaine: Goodbye?
+
+ Puddy: Two and ten, babe.
+
+ Elaine: Okay.
+
+ Puddy: Don't peel out.
+
+ Elaine: I won't.
+
+ Elaine peels out and turns on the car stereo. She hears: "Jesus is + one, Jesus
+ is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations + but all
+ of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said + unto
+ Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", + "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns
+ off the radio.
+
+ Elaine: Jesus?
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.
+
+ Kruger: According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing + is
+ heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?
+
+ George: Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off + my rent
+ check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
+
+ Kruger: Works for me. Good thinking, George.
+
+ Co-worker 1: Alright, George.
+
+ Co-worker 2: Way to go man.
+
+ George: Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend
+ we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."
+
+ Kruger: Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real.
+
+ Co-worker 1: Good one.
+
+ Co-worker 2: That was bad.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.
+
+ George: I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.
+
+ JerrY: And then?
+
+ George: I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during + a
+ meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.
+
+ Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight + and
+ walk off.
+
+ George: I can't just leave.
+
+ Jerry: That's the way they do it in Vegas.
+
+ George: You never played Vegas.
+
+ Jerry: I hear things.
+
+ Elaine enters and has a seat.
+
+ Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his + radio
+ were Christian rock stations.
+
+ George: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those + real
+ musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
+
+ Elaine: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
+
+ Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
+
+ Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
+
+ Jerry: Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
+
+ Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
+
+ Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
+
+ Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.
+
+ George: Tell you how you could check.
+
+ Elaine: How?
+
+ George: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? + The
+ old switcheroo.
+
+ Jerry: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch + it
+ with the other person's.
+
+ George: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the + radio
+ did to her.
+
+ George: Well that's the gist of it!
+
+ Elaine: Quiet! So where is this Sophie?
+
+ Jerry: Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.
+
+ Elaine: How long have you two been together?
+
+ Jerry: I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?
+
+ Elaine and George: Nah.
+
+ Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.
+
+ George: By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?
+
+ Elaine: I needed to move a bureau.
+
+ +
+ New scene.
+ Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.
+
+ Kramer: Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?
+
+ Mickey: Hey Jerry.
+
+ Jerry: Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
+
+ Kramer: Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should
+ sound like that, something like that.
+
+ Mickey: Aah-choo.
+
+ Kramer: A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.
+
+ Jerry: What's with the fake sneezing?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors + to
+ help the students practice diagnosing.
+
+ Mickey: They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. + It's
+ an easy gig.
+
+ Jerry: Do medical schools actually do this?
+
+ Kramer: Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.
+
+ Kramer and Mickey: HUAAHHH!!
+
+ Jerry: I think the phone is ringing.
+
+ Kramer and Mickey: HUAAHHH!!
+
+ Jerry: Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here + with
+ that stuff?
+
+ Kramer: Mickey, DTs.
+
+ Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.
+
+ Jerry: Hello?
+
+ Sophie: Hey. It's me.
+
+ Jerry: Elaine?
+
+ Sophie: No, it's me.
+
+ Jerry: George??
+
+ Sophie: Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.
+
+ Jerry: Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.
+
+ Kramer enters.
+
+ Kramer: You got any Ipecac?
+
+ Jerry: Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with + this.
+
+ Kramer: No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.
+
+ Jerry: Did he overdose?
+
+ Kramer: No, it's just too much.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.
+
+ Kruger: ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette
+ Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the + size of
+ a softball, and that spells trouble.
+
+ George: Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick + a
+ pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
+
+ Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.
+
+ George (getting up and leaving): Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight
+ everybody.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes to + a group of
+ people, Mickey and Kramer included.
+
+ Dr. Wexler: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned + and
+ the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
+
+ Mickey: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
+
+ Kramer: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
+
+ Mickey: Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe + pain, nausea,
+ delusions, it's got everything.
+
+ Kramer (to the man beside him): Howbout you, do you wanna trade?
+
+ Man: Sure.
+
+ Kramer: Okay, what do you got?
+
+ Man: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
+
+ Kramer: Good luck with that.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
+
+ George: I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was + gone.
+
+ Jerry: What did you do the rest of the day?
+
+ George: I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, + right?
+
+ Jerry: And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
+
+ Elaine enters.
+
+ Elaine: Hello boys.
+
+ George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
+
+ Elaine: I did.
+
+ George: And the Christian rock?
+
+ Elaine: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus + fish!
+
+ George: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?
+
+ Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
+
+ Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel
+ misled.
+
+ George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.
+
+ Jerry: I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on + the phone today.
+
+ Elaine: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
+
+ Jerry: I thought so.
+
+ Elaine: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
+
+ George: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, + it's
+ like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
+
+ Kramer enters.
+
+ Kramer: Well, I got gonorrhea.
+
+ Elaine: That seems about right.
+
+ Kramer: That's what they gave me.
+
+ George: They? The Government?
+
+ Jerry: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can + diagnose
+ it.
+
+ Kramer: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, + he
+ got bacterial meningitis.
+
+ George: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
+
+ The other three start laughing.
+
+ George (leaving): Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.
+
+ Elaine: What was that?
+
+ Jerry: Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.
+
+ Kramer: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.
+
+ Jerry: Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the + back
+ row.
+ +
+ Kramer: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and + feel the
+ gonorrhea themselves.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med students.
+
+ Student #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?
+
+ Kramer: Just a little burning during urination.
+
+ Student #1: Okay, any other pain?
+
+ Kramer: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) +
+ Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes + met
+ across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. +
+ Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so + we
+ danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that + I would
+ experience soon afterwards.
+
+ Student #1: Gonorrhea?!
+
+ Kramer: Gonorrhea!
+
+ The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up the lights + and
+ Kramer takes a bow.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking his + phone
+ messages.
+
+ Jerry: One message. Hope it's not from you.
+
+ Answering machine: "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."
+
+ Jerry: Sophie.
+
+ George: She's still doing that?
+
+ Jerry: Yep.
+
+ George: Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give + her the
+ "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
+
+ Jerry: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the + gander".
+
+ George: What the hell is a gander, anyway?
+
+ Jerry (picking up the phone and dialing): It's a goose that's had the + old
+ switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.
+
+ Sophie: Hey Raef.
+
+ Jerry (to George): She thinks it's someone named Raef.
+
+ George: Good, let her think it.
+
+ Jerry (into the phone, with a disguised voice): So, what's going on?
+
+ Sophie: Not a lot.
+
+ George: Ask about you, ask about you.
+
+ Jerry: So, uh, how are things with Jerry?
+
+ Sophie: Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the + tractor
+ story.
+
+ Jerry: Right, right, the tractor story.
+
+ Sophie: Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.
+
+ Jerry: I sound funny?
+
+ George: Abort! Abort!
+
+ Jerry: Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! + What
+ drives me to take chances like that?
+
+ George: That was very real.
+
+ Jerry: She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.
+
+ George: Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?
+
+ Jerry: Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.
+
+ Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?
+
+ Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
+
+ Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?
+
+ Puddy: Yes.
+
+ Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
+
+ Puddy: That's right.
+
+ Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
+
+ Puddy: Not for me.
+
+ Elaine: Why not?
+
+ Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
+
+ George: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.
+
+ Jerry: No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. + We're
+ dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.
+
+ George: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?
+
+ Jerry: No, she looks completely normal.
+
+ George: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor
+ accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
+
+ Jerry: You think she's got toes for thumbs?
+
+ George: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too
+ firm?
+
+ Jerry: I don't know.
+
+ George: Hands a little smelly?
+
+ Jerry: Why do I seek your counsel?
+
+ Elaine walks in.
+
+ Elaine: Well I'm going to hell.
+
+ Jerry: That seems about right.
+
+ Elaine: According to Puddy.
+
+ Jerry: Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee + and
+ the doughtnuts and--
+
+ Elaine: I'm not in the mood.
+
+ George (To a passing waitress): I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.
+
+ Jerry: What do you care? You don't believe in hell.
+
+ Elaine: I know, but he does.
+
+ Jerry: So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination + of
+ your soul.
+
+ Elaine: Well, relationships are very important to me.
+
+ Jerry: Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you + burn for
+ all eternity.
+
+ George (to the waitress bringing his doughnut): And a slice of devil's + food
+ cake.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.
+
+ George: Hey. Where is everyone?
+
+ Mr. Kruger: They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you + are my
+ main man.
+
+ George: I am?
+
+ + Mr. Kruger: I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but + lately
+ you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.
+
+ George: This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and
+ folders.
+
+ Mr. Kruger: Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started.
+
+ George: Okay.
+
+ Mr. Kruger: George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair)
+ Three times around, no feet.
+
+ George: And?
+
+ Mr. Kruger: All me.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.
+
+ Dr. Wexler: Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, + Mr.
+ Kramer, you were excellent.
+
+ Kramer: Oh, thank you.
+
+ Mickey: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! +
+ What did you get?
+
+ Kramer: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had
+ gonorrhea last week.
+
+ Dr. Wexler: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.
+
+ Kramer: I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.
+
+ Sophie: I move my knight... here. Check.
+
+ Jerry: They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe
+ they should change it to a tractor.
+
+ Sophie: Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?
+
+ Jerry: Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought + the
+ farm.
+
+ Sophie: Bought the farm?
+
+ Jerry: Tractor!
+
+ Sophie: This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.
+
+ Jerry: Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.
+
+ Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up, Jerry nods
+ knowingly.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
+
+ George: A scar?
+
+ Jerry: A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?
+
+ George: A tractor.
+
+ Jerry: I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk + about
+ it.
+
+ George: I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her + toe
+ thumbs.
+
+ Jerry: She doesn't have toe thumbs.
+
+ George: Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--
+
+ Jerry: Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?
+
+ George: Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for
+ hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with + sleep
+ creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was + that he
+ finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, + George
+ sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe + this.
+ This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? + Who
+ said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?
+
+ Mr. Kruger: I'm not too worried about it.
+
+ George: Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I + put in
+ your shoebox?
+
+ Mr. Kruger: Alright, alright I'm going.
+
+ George (to Jerry): Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?
+
+ Jerry: Never.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe. There's + a
+ newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.
+
+ Puddy: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you + just
+ grab that one.
+
+ Elaine: 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.
+
+ Puddy: C'mon, get it.
+
+ Elaine: Well if you want it, you get it.
+
+ Puddy: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
+
+ Elaine: Oh, but it's ok for me?
+
+ Puddy: What do you care, you know where you're going.
+
+ Elaine: Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.
+
+ Puddy: Nah.
+
+ Elaine: C'mon.
+
+ Puddy: Alright, what did I do?
+
+ Elaine: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils
+ and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! + I
+ mean, what do you think about all that?
+
+ Puddy: Gonna be rough.
+
+ Elaine: Uh, you should be trying to save me!
+
+ Puddy: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.
+
+ Elaine: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you + should
+ care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.
+
+ Puddy: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, that's right!
+
+ Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised as 'horns' + and she
+ emits a gutteral growling sound.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing his part.
+
+ Mickey: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look + for
+ love in a bottle?
+
+ Dr. Wexler: Mr. Kramer? You're up.
+
+ Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.
+
+ Mickey: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?
+
+ Kramer: Well, we'll see.
+
+ Student #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?
+
+ Kramer (pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket): Well, I guess + it
+ started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this + was the
+ only friend I had left.
+
+ Mickey: Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps
+ Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.
+
+ They fall to the floor, wrestling.
+
+ Student #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?
+
+
+ New scene.
+ + Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.
+
+ Father Curtis: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that + he isn't
+ concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.
+
+ Elaine and Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
+
+ Father Curtis: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples + have
+ difficulty--
+
+ Elaine (Interrupting): Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married here.
+
+ Father Curtis: You aren't?
+
+ Puddy: No.
+
+ Elaine: We're just, you know, having a good time.
+
+ Father Curtis: Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.
+
+ Puddy: No way, this is bogus, man!
+
+ Elaine: Well, thank you father.
+
+ Father Curtis: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's + talkng
+ to the devil by the coffee machine?
+
+ Puddy: I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell.
+
+ Elaine: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.
+
+ Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in her apartment + and
+ Father Curtis joins in.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.
+
+ Sophie: You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. +
+ See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.
+
+ Jerry: Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with + it.
+
+ Sophie: How could you know?
+
+ Jerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back + to
+ Sopie's): Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not
+ gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term + and
+ meaningful relationship.
+
+ Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.
+
+ Kramer: ...I didn't say that, no.
+
+ Mickey: You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me!
+
+ Kramer: Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd + have fun
+ with it.
+
+ Jerry: Hey, hey! I'm with someone.
+
+ Kramer: Oh. Hello.
+
+ Sophie: No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The
+ important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
+
+ Kramer (to Mickey): You know? She's right.
+
+ Sophie: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a
+ tractor.
+
+ Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor
+ story??
+
+ Kramer: You can't get it from that.
+
+ Sophie: But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor
+ in my bathing suit.
+
+ Jerry (walking out): Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight
+ everybody.
+
+
+ New scene.
+ Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is working, + Mr.
+ Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George is
+ percolating.
+
+ George: Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?
+
+ Mr. Kruger: You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.
+
+ George: No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your
+ name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off + and
+ all it says now is K-uger!
+
+ Mr. Kruger: K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, + huh?
+ K-uger! K-uger!
+
+ George: Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!
+
+ Mr. Kruger (getting up to leave): Thank you George, you've been great. + That's
+ it for me.
+
+ George: Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!
+
+ Mr. Kruger: It's K-uger!
+
+ George: No! No!
+
+ Mr. Kruger: Goodnight everybody!
+
+ END
+
+ Dedication: In memory of our friend, Lloyd Bridges.
+
+

+ + + + + + + +

+ + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+

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The Busboy

+ +

+ + + +
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+ +  

+ +

Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

Broadcasted: June 26, 1991 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Doug Ballard (as Eddie), + and David

+

LaBiosa (as Antonio).

+

 

+

 

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, + it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, + whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls

+

off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a + joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would + someone poison a roll, and leave it in a

+

hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? + Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they + put the check in a little

+

book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, + there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little + gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating

+

from the restaurant? What is this about?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: A restaurant]

+

(Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant. + George hasn't eaten anything)

+

ELAINE: Do you want some of mine?

+

JERRY: Take some of mine.

+

GEORGE: Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep + trying to like it, like I have to like it.

+

JERRY: Who said you have to like it?

+

GEORGE: Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's + all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.

+

JERRY: I don't like pesto.

+

GEORGE: Where was pesto 10 years ago?

+

JERRY: (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to + look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. + Any time you see a guy that age

+

wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.

+

ELAINE: (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound + like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. + is with the colors and um.. (Turns

+

back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.

+

(George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do + so)

+

JERRY: (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm + up for a minute.

+

GEORGE: That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower + for the conditioner to work.

+

JERRY: I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.

+

GEORGE: Who?

+

JERRY: Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking + him up at the airport tonight.

+

GEORGE: A guy?

+

ELAINE: (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.

+

JERRY: He's from a.. Yakima, right?

+

ELAINE: Seattle.

+

JERRY: Everybody's moving to Seattle.

+

GEORGE: It's the pesto of cities. So..?

+

ELAINE: (To Jerry) You tell him.

+

JERRY: Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met + a gentleman.

+

ELAINE: Ed.

+

JERRY: Who was in town on a business venture, and um..

+

ELAINE: ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his + glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on.

+

JERRY: So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow + returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash + off so easily.

+

ELAINE: On some people.

+

GEORGE: Oooh.

+

JERRY: So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week.

+

ELAINE: It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became + a week.

+

(The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly picks + up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses the menu + on the floor, and stomps it out.

+

The manager approaches)

+

MANAGER: What happened?

+

GEORGE: Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle.

+

MANAGER: Sorry to the disturbance.

+

ELAINE: (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again.

+

(Manager leaves)

+

JERRY: (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought + to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the + busboy out from the dining

+

room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.

+

GEORGE: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just + told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager + and busboy are arguing. The

+

busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why + did he point at me?!

+

ELAINE: I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had + to know I was kidding.

+

JERRY: (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) + I didn't say anything.

+

(The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the restaurant)

+

GEORGE: I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired!

+

ELAINE: Oh, I said it in a kidding way.

+

GEORGE: I didn't know he'd get fired.

+

JERRY: (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) + He'll probably kill his family over this.

+

GEORGE: What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! + Did you see him point?!

+

JERRY: (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem + to gravitate twards 'em.

+

GEORGE: Was it my fault?

+

ELAINE: Was it my fault?

+

JERRY: (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that + pesto.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

JERRY: Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. + I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish + your resume and undergo a series of

+

grueling interviews.

+

GEORGE: (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys.

+

JERRY: Oh, like you do.

+

GEORGE: Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.

+

JERRY: (Scoffing) Camp.

+

GEORGE: It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me.

+

(The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it)

+

JERRY: Elaine?

+

ELAINE: (Through intercom) Yeah.

+

(Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in)

+

JERRY: Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I + know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at + the comedy clubs.

+

GEORGE: Then why don't you try and get him another job?

+

JERRY: I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could + be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people + with pins.

+

(Elaine enters)

+

ELAINE: I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am + one clever chickadee.

+

GEORGE: What? Did you get the busboy's number?

+

ELAINE: His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain + an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George + a card) Now, I did my

+

job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?

+

(Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine)

+

GEORGE: How did you get all this?

+

ELAINE: Does the word "charm" mean anything to you?

+

JERRY: No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his + apartment? I really think this is nuts.

+

GEORGE: (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to + tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble.

+

JERRY: You, you're going now?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe + get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something.

+

JERRY: Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going?

+

ELAINE: I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.

+

JERRY: I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till + after my set?

+

GEORGE: It'll take to long.

+

(Kramer enters)

+

JERRY: Take the K-man. A little support..

+

GEORGE: (Unsure) I don't a..

+

KRAMER: Take me where? Where?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: An apartment building hallway]

+

(George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's + apartment)

+

GEORGE: Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't + mind - try not to say too much.

+

KRAMER: What am I gonna say?

+

GEORGE: I don't know.

+

KRAMER: Well, I'm not an idiot.

+

GEORGE: Certainly not.

+

KRAMER: Then we're cool.

+

GEORGE: Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer + takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) + Uh, I'm sorry to bother

+

you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could + talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures + + for them to come in. They obey)

+

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I + may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you + fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I

+

just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.

+

KRAMER: (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy.

+

GEORGE: This is a guy I know.. Kramer.

+

(Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously)

+

KRAMER: Habla espanol?

+

GEORGE: (To himself) Oh my God.

+

ANTONIO: Si.

+

KRAMER: Como se dice.. waterbed?

+

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm + really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll + certainly be glad to do that.

+

(Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.

+

KRAMER: You got anything to drink? Agua?

+

GEORGE: Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should + get going.

+

KRAMER: Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink)

+

GEORGE: Hurry up.

+

ANTONIO: (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts + to panic)

+

KRAMER: His cat's gone.

+

ANTONIO: (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. + (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) + Who left the door

+

open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look + at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out + the door to look)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Antonio's apartment]

+

(All three sit in silence)

+

KRAMER: ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, + she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never + know. They got things in

+

their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of + course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you gotta + worry about.

+

GEORGE: (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I + can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. + The job, the cat.. (A

+

lamp breaks) the lamp.

+

KRAMER: The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces + together) Yeah.

+

GEORGE: (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, + so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. + (Antonio is staring at him,

+

angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for + a handshake. Antonio doesn't move)

+

KRAMER: You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got + the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

JERRY: (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It + wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you.

+

(Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: Hey.

+

JERRY: (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where + you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom + buzzes) That's Elaine.

+

(Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To + Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again.

+

KRAMER: It's been a week. It's up to the cat now.

+

JERRY: (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) + It'll be on your conscience.

+

KRAMER: Oh? How do you figure?

+

JERRY: (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're + the one who left the door open.

+

KRAMER: Why was I in charge of closing the door?

+

JERRY: (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated + at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after + him!

+

KRAMER: So!

+

JERRY: (Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, + the last person in should close the door!

+

KRAMER: Let me talk to him.

+

JERRY: (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. + Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up)

+

ELAINE: Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys?

+

(Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom)

+

JERRY: No hello?

+

ELAINE: Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee + this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems?

+

JERRY: Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.

+

ELAINE: Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem + at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy + on a plane to Seattle and out of my

+

life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.

+

JERRY: (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together?

+

ELAINE: I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that + ping?

+

JERRY: There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?

+

ELAINE: Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and + he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful + guy, but I hate his guts!

+

JERRY: So, you two been, uh..

+

ELAIEN: No! I told him I've been having my period for the last + five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. + But, I've only got fourteen hours to

+

go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. + I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..

+

JERRY: What's your airport route?

+

ELAINE: I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel.

+

JERRY: ..What about the Van Wyck?

+

ELAINE: I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on + to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.

+

JERRY: Oooh.

+

ELAINE: Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. We're getting + up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right?

+

JERRY: You still using that old alarm clock?

+

ELAIEN: Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything + - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, + a hand comes out and slaps you in

+

the face.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport + can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're + getting on the plane, if you miss

+

that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. + You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're + taking a flight, if you miss it,

+

that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, + we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested + in that? It's not a direct cannon,

+

you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon + operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the + cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a

+

second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. + Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you + get out of the net

+

immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Elaine's apartment]

+

(Elaine and Ed are in bed. Elaine awakes to find out that it's + 9:15 - they overslept. She gets frantic)

+

ELAINE: (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go + off! (Shakes him) It's 9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 9:15!

+

ED: 9:15?

+

ELAINE: Yes! 9:15!

+

ED: (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow.

+

ELAINE: Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets + his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically + starts packing) You get

+

dressed! Get dressed!

+

ED: Can I shower?

+

ELAINE: Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!

+

ED: I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day.

+

ELAINE: Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your + clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, + turning them over in the suitcase.

+

He walks tward the door) Where are you going?

+

ED: The kitchen.

+

ELAINE: The kitchen?!

+

ED: I've got a bag of cashews in there.

+

ELAINE: They're not making it! Let's get your pants on!

+

ED: What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow + or the next day.

+

ELAINE: No! You have your ticket! You have to go now!

+

ED: I'll never make it.

+

ELAINE: Don't say that!

+

ED: But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only + leave me five minutes to get to the plane.

+

ELAINE: Shut up and pack!

+

ED: And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. + Then what will I do?

+

ELAINE: You're talking too much!

+

ED: Where's my sweater?

+

ELAINE: What?!

+

ED: My brown sweater.

+

ELAINE: What? What sweater?

+

ED: My brown sweater.

+

ELAINE: You didn't bring a brown sweater.

+

ED: I brought a brown sweater.

+

ELAINE: Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one + of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got + a brown sweater!

+

ED: That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.

+

ELAINE: It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps + them into the suitcase)

+

ED: What are you doing?!

+

ELAINE: NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. + (Zips up the suitcase)

+

ED: My shoes. You packed my shoes.

+

ELAINE: Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the + fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without + them! (Puts her coat on over

+

her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then + pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

JERRY: Anywhere in the city?

+

GEORGE: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.

+

JERRY: Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?

+

GEORGE: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention + my name - she'll give you the key.

+

JERRY: Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.

+

GEORGE: (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, + the Met. Magnificent facilities.

+ +

(Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her + coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal)

+

ELAINE: (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive + like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, + it all seemed to be happening in

+

slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in + and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew + I was challenging the very laws

+

of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel + Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I + hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's

+

ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came + as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up + on Rockaway

+

Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right + now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

+

(Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming!

+

GEORGE: The busboy's coming?

+

JERRY: You don't mean here?

+

KRAMER: Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up..

+

GEORGE: He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out + later.

+

JERRY: Where are you going?

+

GEORGE: I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score.

+

JERRY: (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all + know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this + stage of the game.

+

KRAMER: No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it.

+

GEORGE: Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I..

+

(There's a knock in the hallway)

+

KRAMER: Antonio. In here!

+

(Antonio enters)

+

GEORGE: (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going?

+

(Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug)

+

ANTONIO: Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, + killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced + me. If I am not fired

+

that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive + remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again)

+

GEORGE: (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..

+

(The intercom buzzes)

+

ELAINE: (Into the intercom) Yeah?

+

ED: It's Eddie.

+

ELAINE: He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up..

+

ANTONIO: And that very same night of the accident, while looking + for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost + twice what I was making

+

before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps + frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, + but now, I must go, for today I am

+

starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, + thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)

+

(Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a fight + erupting from the hallway)

+

ED: Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off!

+

ANTONIO: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause + you bumped into me!

+

ED: Who do you think you're talking to, pal?

+

ANTONIO: Hey, get your hands off me!

+

ED: Go to hell!

+

(Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them getting + into a serious fight)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Coffee shop]

+

JERRY: He'll get another job. He's a busboy!

+

GEORGE: It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast + comes off.

+

JERRY: It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it.

+

GEORGE: That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with + his knee.

+

ELAINE: Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine + two bags of food to go) ..Thanks.

+

GEORGE: So, much longer?

+

ELAINE: Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can + feed himself?

+

GEORGE: (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important.

+

ELAINE: Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)

+

GEORGE: I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita + by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.

+

JERRY: Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts + cleaning off the table) How ya doing?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

JERRY: First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. + People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we + have boxing either. It's really kind of an

+

amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two + guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they + have the boxers come into the ring

+

in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They + get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that + fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight.

+

END OF SHOW.

+

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[Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Written by: Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Episode no. 157

+

pc: 901, season 9, episode 1

+

Broadcast date: 25 September 1997

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

The Cast

+

Regulars:

+

Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld

+

Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza

+

Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes

+

Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

+

Guest Stars:

+

Wayne Knight..................... Newman

+

Steve Hytner..................... Kenny Banya

+

Patrick Warburton................ David Puddy

+

Gordon Jump...................... Mr. Thomassoulo

+

Kriston Davis.................... Jenna

+

Everett Greenbaum................ McMaines

+

Connie Sawyer.................... Old Woman

+

Matthew Fonda.................... NBC Executive

+

Chris Parnell.................... NBC Executive

+

Frank Van Keeken................. Vegetable Lasagna

+

Shannon Whirry................... Cute Girl

+

Nancy Balbirer................... Woman

+

Erica Y. Becoat.................. Stewardess

+

Torsten Voges.................... Cab Driver

+

George Georgiadis................ Cab Driver

+

Brian Callaway................... Passenger

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

No monologue

+

Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their + regular booth.

+

A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper + to reveal...

+

a moustache.

+

George: What is Holland?

+

Jerry (also wearing a moustache): What do you mean, 'what is it?' + It's a

+

country right next to Belgium.

+

George: No, that's the Netherlands.

+

Jerry: Holland *is* the Netherlands.

+

George: Then who are the Dutch?

+

Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this + thing anymore.

+

George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn + star.

+

Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.

+

George: Well why didn't we?

+

Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation + from

+

ourselves. That's what you said.

+

George: What if we grew muttonchops?

+

Jerry: No.

+

George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!

+

Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a + job.

+

George(resigned): Dammit.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane.

+

George: Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?

+

Jerry: No more crutches, that must be a relief.

+

George: Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.

+

Jerry: Not with a cane?

+

George: Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's + a sad story.

+

You through with those?

+

George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from + the other end

+

of the bar.

+

Jerry: Always a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. + Some guy

+

from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have + another shot at

+

a pilot.

+

George: Alright, we're back in!

+

Jerry: We? No.

+

Club announcer (off camera): Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.

+

Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.

+

Bania: Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, didja see me + up there? I

+

was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.

+

Jerry: Killed?

+

Bania: Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good looking + ones,

+

too! (walking away): Hey, what's your name?

+

George: Killed.

+

Jerry: Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like + that fish

+

that attaches himself to the shark.

+

George: And you're the shark?

+

Jerry: Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.

+

George: I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.

+

Jerry: Well, I'm glad I brought it up.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George + is on the

+

phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.

+

Kramer: Got any shredded coconut?

+

Jerry (looking at Kramer's moustache): Uh, we're not doing that + anymore.

+

Kramer: Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)

+

George: Oh my god.

+

Jerry: What?

+

George: I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.

+

Jerry: So what's this job?

+

George: Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.

+

Jerry: Knicks? Rangers?

+

George: Playground equipment.

+

Jerry: Welcome back to the show.

+

Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.

+

Kramer: Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?

+

Jerry: No.

+

George (holding his cane): I gotta hobble. (walks out)

+

Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.

+

Kramer: D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream. I'm getting no protection.

+

Jerry: What kind do you use?

+

Kramer: Whatever you get.

+

Jerry (nods): Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.

+

Kramer: Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.

+

Jerry: Remember David Puddy?

+

Kramer: She's dating him again, huh?

+

Jerry: Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the + top of the

+

order.

+

Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home + in a body

+

bag.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to + Elaine and Puddy

+

in the back seat of a taxi.

+

Puddy: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a + twenty kroner.

+

No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is + that?

+

Elaine: We have to break up.

+

Puddy: What?

+

Elaine: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting + the

+

change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it + is in New York

+

again, you are going home in a body bag!

+

Puddy: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has + that's not

+

in The Gap on Broadway?

+

Elaine: Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are + through!

+

Puddy: Fine!

+

Elaine: Fine!

+

Cab driver: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together.

+

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, + will be

+

approximately 22 hours.

+

Elaine (to flight attendant): Hey, you gonna bust out that drink + cart or what?

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.

+

Kramer: Hey, what are you doing?

+

Jerry: Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched + the floor of a

+

men's room. That's the end of that.

+

Kramer: Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the + Internet he

+

killed.

+

Jerry: He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. + He's a time

+ +

slot hit.

+

Kramer: Well, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a + stick of

+

Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. + (keeps

+

rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.

+

Jerry: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

+

Kramer: What?

+

Jerry: Do I have to ask?

+

Kramer: I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything + else, Mr. Nosy?

+

Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and + drags him back.

+

Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?

+

Kramer: I'm shaving with it.

+

Jerry: Oh Moses smell the roses.

+

Kramer: Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. + Now feel

+

my face.

+

Jerry: No.

+

Kramer: Feel it.

+

Jerry: I don't want to.

+

Kramer: Feel it. Feel it.

+

Jerry (places two slices of bread against Kramer's face): That + is close.

+

Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.

+

George: I got the job?

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna + treat you any

+

differently just because of your, uh, handicap.

+

George: Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm not handicapped.

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.

+

George: Yeah, I didn't mean that.

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: Of course you will have your own private, fully + equipped

+

bathroom.

+

 

+

George: When do I start?

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: Whenever you feel that you're able. (Rises to + show George

+

out) Um, you need a hand here.

+

George: Yeah, what the hell.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth.

+

Jerry: You got the job?

+

George: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They + treat me so

+

great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible

+

office, a great view.

+

Jerry: Hold on, they think you're handicapped?

+

George: Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the + bathroom

+

they gave me!

+

Jerry: How can you do this?

+

George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm + just now

+

getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts + me in a

+

position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the + Yankees-- no

+

arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a + wife, a family,

+

drove a better car than I did.

+

Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?

+

George: Alright I made up the part about the car, but the rest + is true. He

+

hated me anyway!

+

Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I + know you?

+

George: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. + I feel like a

+

gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.

+

Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.

+

Kramer: They hooked me up.

+

George: What's with all the butter?

+

Kramer: I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?

+

Jerry: You can eat it?

+

Kramer: No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my + body.

+

Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away.

+

Jerry: Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.

+

George: Who?

+

Jerry: The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.

+

Bania and Jenna walk over.

+

Bania: Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good lookin' huh?

+

Jenna: Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you.

+

Bania: Oh. This is awkward.

+

Jenna: Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure.

+

Bania and Jenna leave.

+

Jerry: I don't believe this.

+

George: You miss her, don't you?

+

Jerry: No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything + off me,

+

first laughs now ladies.

+

George: You miss her.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Puddy and Elaine on the plane.

+

Puddy (to flight attendant): You know I think ultimately, I'm upset + with

+

myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable + person. I

+

mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more.

+

Elaine (to another passenger): Huh. You believing this?

+

Passenger (apologetic): Excuse me, I was sleeping.

+

Elaine: You missed quite a performance.

+

Elaine drinks from a can of juice.

+

Passenger (disbelieving): That's my apple juice.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. + With "Morning Train"

+

by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs + on a rail, is

+

carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his + cane and fakes

+

a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets + laughs from

+

everyone, including the man he tripped.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely + by Newman.

+

Jerry: Someone's cooking.

+

Newman: Hello, Jerry.

+

Jerry: Hello, Newman.

+

Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf + between us and

+

I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--

+

Jerry (cutting in): I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.

+

Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's + got something

+

on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.

+

Jerry: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter + - pause - Oh

+

no!

+

Newman: Butter?

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other.

+

Passenger (explaining the coins to Elaine): -Fimty kroner.

+

Elaine (to passenger): You know my last boyfriend, he had a real + kroner

+

comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head.

+

Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.

+

Woman: David, you are so funny.

+

Puddy: Yeah, I know.

+

Elaine (grabbing Puddy): What are you doing?

+

Puddy: It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life.

+

Elaine: By making time with some floozy across the aisle?

+

Puddy: Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with + you and, uh,

+

vegetable lasagna?

+

Elaine: This guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me.

+

Passenger (heretofore known as vegetable lasagna): I can here you.

+

Puddy: Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were + up to me, we'd

+

still be together.

+

Elaine: Well maybe I feel the same way.

+

Puddy: Ok.

+

Elaine: Ok, so now what?

+

Puddy: Let's make out.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer + is decked

+

out shirtless and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.

+

Jerry: Kramer!

+

Kramer: Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.

+

Jerry: Look at your skin.

+

Kramer: Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.

+

Kramer: I'm fried.

+

Jerry: Technically, you're sauted. So, what are you doing for + that?

+

Kramer: Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.

+

Jerry: Is that what the doctor said?

+

Kramer: No, I read an article in Bon Appetite magazine.

+

Kramer leaves, George enters, limping.

+

George (sniffing): Hmm. Game hen?

+

Jerry: Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with + you?

+

George: No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because + I sprained my

+

ankle.

+

Jerry: What happened?

+

George: Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --

+

Jerry: Oh no, not you too?

+

George: I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...

+

Jerry: You know what's good for that? Relish.

+

Phone rings, Jerry answers.

+

Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! + No!!!

+

Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania + + to the

+

network showcase and he's going on right after me.

+

George: So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.

+

Jerry: Like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? + Shopping

+

carts with one bad wheel?

+

George: That's true, that always happens to me.

+

Jerry: You think that's funny?

+

George: I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about + too much.

+

Jerry: You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!

+

George: maybe I am.

+

Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.

+

George: Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) puke! Don't + have to

+

think about that.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Elaine and Puddy on the plane.

+

Elaine: I can't believe we broke up like that.

+

Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.

+

Elaine: Do you want something to read?

+

Puddy: Nah.

+

Elaine: Well, are you going to take a nap or --

+

Puddy: Nah.

+

Elaine: You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a + seat?

+

Puddy: Yeah.

+

Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.

+

Elaine: That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing + has

+

changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same problems + we had

+

12 hours ago.

+

Puddy: Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back.

+

Elaine: Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable + lasagna

+

here knows it.

+

Vegetable Lasagna (apologetically): I don't want to get involved.

+

Elaine: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and + we just ram

+

right into it and end this whole thing!

+

Vegetable Lasagna: Oh god.

+

Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of + the passenger

+

seated behind her.

+

Passenger: Ow! Ow!!

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated + beside it,

+

reading "Alive"

+

Newman: How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.

+

Kramer: Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.

+

Newman: The smell. It's still with you, huh?

+

Kramer: Yeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter in. Stir it up + so it melts.

+

Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips + and working

+

himself up.

+

Kramer: Ahh, now I'm simmering.

+

Newman drops the stick and runs out.

+

Newman: I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: Good morning, George. Is something wrong with + your other leg?

+

George: Oh, no, that's just the old handicap acting up.

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: But your cane's on the wrong side.

+

George: That's just because we're standing on opposite sides. See, + when we

+

met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was reversed, + like in

+

the mirror.

+

They walk over to a mirrored wall.

+

George: See? This looks right to you, doesn't it?

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: Uh, yeah, I guess.

+

George (passes cane from right to left and back a few times): But, + see here.

+

Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think + I can see

+

what's going on here.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. + Jerry opens

+

the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.

+

George: Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.

+

Jerry: You mugged Stephen Hawking?

+

George: Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal + Rascal,

+

Jerry. On the house.

+

George rides around the apartment.

+

Jerry: Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight + to hell at

+

no more than three miles an hour.

+

Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.

+

Jerry: Hello?

+

Elaine: Jerry.

+

Jerry: Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?

+

Elaine: Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge!

+

Vegetable Lasagna: Please don't shout. I can't take it.

+

Jerry: Who's that?

+

Elaine: It's Vegetable Lasagna.

+

Jerry: Who?

+

Elaine: Vegetable Lasagna!

+

Vegetable Lasagna: My name is Magnus.

+

Elaine: Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!

+

Jerry: Get me some duty free Kahlua.

+

Jerry hangs up.

+

George: How's the trip?

+

Jerry: Sounded good.

+

George. Well. Gotta motor.

+

Jerry: Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by + the big showcase

+

tonight.

+

George: Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?

+

Jerry: That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little + off.

+

George: What are you talking about? You're not!

+

Jerry: That's right, I'm taking a dive.

+

George: You're throwing the set?

+

Jerry: I'm laying down! Then let's see how he does up there, without + all the

+

assistance.

+

George: Listen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. + My

+

generation.

+

Jerry: We're four months apart.

+

George: nevertheless. His time has come.

+

George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under + Jerry's coffee

+

table.

+

George: Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, + I'll be on my

+

way.

+

Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.

+

Newman: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.

+

The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates

+

Kramer's head on the turkey.

+

Kramer/turkey (waving wing): Hey buddy.

+

Newman screams and runs out of Monks.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club

+

Kramer: What are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw + your set?

+

Jerry: That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without + the cushy

+

timeslot.

+

Club Announcer (OC): Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!

+

Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored suspenders.

+

Jerry: If you'll excuse me.

+

Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage.

+

Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.

+

Jerry: What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, + why do you want

+

shade?

+

Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.

+

Jerry: And what's with people getting sick?

+

Newman: Hee hee! Yeah yeah!

+

Jerry: I mean, what's the deal with cancer?

+

Man in audience: I have cancer!

+

Kramer: Oh, tough crowd.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he + accidentally

+

bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking + out of a nearby

+

store.

+

Man: Hey, hey! You dented my ride.

+

George walks back to inspect the damage.

+

George: Whatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh, I did you a favor.

+

Man: How about I do you a favor upside your head?

+

George: Oh yeah?

+

Man: Oh yeah.

+

George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.

+

Man: Hey!

+

Woman: Get the bikes.

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's + soaked with

+

sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.

+

Bania: Ouch.

+

Kramer: You didn't do so bad.

+

Jerry: What are you talking about? I bombed!

+

Kramer: No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? It was edgy, + it was not

+

my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really + liked it.

+ +

Jerry: Like who?

+

Kramer: Like that guy who yelled out.

+

Jerry: He had cancer!

+

Kramer: And laughter is the best medicine.

+

Jerry: Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you.

+

Club Announcer (OC): Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!

+

Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.

+

Kramer: Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big + turkey out

+

there.

+

Newman (salivating): Turkey?

+

Kramer: A big fat turkey.

+

Newman: I'm sorry I missed that.

+

Kramer: He worked so hard and then he just--

+

Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all + over himself.

+

Kramer: What is this, oregano?

+

Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts through + carrying a

+

bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over + Kramer.

+

Kramer: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and + it's sticking

+

to me because of the butter! Look at me!

+

Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch + of green leaves

+

and hands them to Kramer.

+

Newman: Here. Hold this.

+

Kramer: What is this, parsley?

+

Newman makes as if to attack Kramer.

+

New scene.

+

Jerry watching Bania from the wing.

+

Jerry: Ah, the sweet stench of failure.

+

Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto + the stage.

+

Kramer: Get off of me, get off of me!

+

 

+

New scene.

+

City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. + Action movie

+

music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. + George's battery

+

dies and his scooter stops.

+

Man: Now I got you!

+

George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling + it as fast as

+

he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building + at that

+

moment.

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: George? Your legs!

+

George: Are you a religious man, sir?

+

Mr. Thomassoulo: No.

+

Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about + to lay into

+

him with a cane.

+

Man: Eat hickory!!

+

The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene + changes to Jerry,

+

sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. + Bania

+

walks in.

+

Bania: Hey Jerry, didja see it?

+

Jerry: Ouch.

+

Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.

+

Stu: Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. + Listen,

+

Kenny. Really funny out there.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Jay: That thing you did having the two guys running through? I + love stuff you

+

don't have to think too much about

+

Stu: Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business.

+

Jay: By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky.

+

Bania: How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now + I'll have

+

one. Looks like I'm following you again.

+

Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.

+

Bania: Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that?

+

 

+

New scene.

+

Exterior of NYC airport.

+

Elaine: David, this has been the worst month of my life and if + I never see you

+

again it'll be too soon.

+

Puddy: Ditto.

+

Elaine: Oh that's origi-

+

Puddy: Shut up.

+

Elaine gets into a taxi cab.

+

Elaine: 86th and Broadway please.

+

Cab driver: I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit + Police are

+

making everybody share.

+

Puddy enters the cab on the left.

+

Elaine: Oh no.

+

Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.

+

Vegetable Lasagna: Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.

+

Elaine: Noooooooooooo!

+

Cab rides away.

+

End.

+

 

+

 

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+
+ Transcribed by Stan The Caddy
+ Corrections by: Dan Coogan
+ Originally posted on StanTheCaddy.com (http://www.StanTheCaddy.com)
+ (Permission is given to copy + this script to other sites provided two lines above are included - Thanks)
+

+


+ Episode 122
+
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------
+ Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
+ Directed by Andy Ackerman
+
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------
+ Episode no. 122
+ pc: 712, season 7, episode 12
+ Broadcast date: January 26, 1996
+
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------
+ The Cast
+
+ Regulars:
+ Jerry Seinfeld..........................Jerry Seinfeld
+ Jason Alexander......................George Costanza
+ Julia Louis-Dreyfus..................Elaine Benes
+ Michael Richards.....................Cosmo Kramer
+
+ Guest Stars:
+ Brenda Strong........................Sue Ellen Mishke
+ Armin Shimerman...................Stan The Caddy
+ Arthur Rosenberg....................Judge
+ Cynthia Madvig.......................Woman #1
+ Marilyn Tokuda.......................Woman #2
+ Jerry Stiller.............................Frank Costanza
+ Estelle Harris...........................Estelle Costanza
+ Heidi Swedberg.......................Susan Ross
+ Phil Morris...............................Jackie Chiles
+ Richard Herd...........................Wilhelm
+ John O'Hurley..........................J Peterman
+
+
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------
+ (Scene: Jerry's Apartment)
+
+ Jerry: So why don't you get a locksmith?
+
+ George: I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has
+ this free locksmith service, so I signed up. Just waiting for the
+ membership to kick in.
+
+ Jerry: How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot?
+
+ George: I don't know, about three days.
+
+ (Kramer enters with golf clubs)
+
+
+
+ Jerry: Y- you're not playin' golf?
+
+ Kramer: Yes, indeed. The calendar says winter, but he gods of spring
+ are out.
+
+ George: Are the courses open?
+
+ Kramer: No, no........I'm sneaking in with Stan the Caddy, we've been
+ going through the caddies entrance.
+
+ George. Huh, No kidding?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has
+ transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll
+ have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. Oh, that's my dream,
+ Jerry.
+
+ Jerry: Really, you're getting that good?
+
+ Kramer: Oh, I'm the real deal.
+
+ (Knocking is heard from outside in the hallway)
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, here, Stan, in here!
+
+ (Stan enters)
+
+ Kramer: There he is, yeah - Jerry, George, this is Stan the Caddy.
+
+ George: How ya doin'?
+
+ Jerry: Hi.
+
+ Stan: Nice to meet you. Ready to hit the links, Kramer?
+
+ Kramer: Oh yeah, you betcha.
+
+ Stan: What are those, ah, cotton pants?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah...Why, is it too cold out?
+
+ Stan: Here's what you do: you bring a lightweight jacket, that way the
+
+ sun comes out, you play the jacket off the sweater.
+
+ Kramer: Ah, that makes sense, that's a good call, Stan. Alright, we'll
+
+ see you guys later, huh?
+
+ George: Yeah.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, we'll see ya.
+
+ (Kramer and Stan leave)
+
+ Jerry and George (together): Stan The Caddy.
+
+ (Commercial)
+
+ (Scene: On the street)
+
+
+
+ Sue Ellen: Elaine?
+
+ (Elaine turns to see Sue Ellen waving her hand)
+
+ Sue Ellen: Hi!
+
+ Elaine (thinking to herself): Oh, great. It's the bra-less wonder. Who
+
+ does she think she's kidding? Look at her, she's totally out of
+ control.
+
+ Sue Ellen: I was thinking that woman looks like Elaine Benes.
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, ha ha ha. What have you been up to?
+
+ Sue Ellen: I've just been hanging out.
+
+ Elaine (nodding): I see.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Oh, listen! I'm having a birthday party tomorrow evening,
+ I'd love it if you came by.
+
+ Elaine: Tomorrow...? I don't know if I can.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Nooo?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, I'm just really, really busy.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Oh, that's too bad.
+
+ Elaine: Yeah.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Well, I hope you can get me a gift anyway.........ha ha ha.
+
+ Elaine: Ha ha ha.
+
+ (Scene: Yankee Stadium)
+
+
+
+ Wilhelm: George!?
+
+ George: Mr. Wilhelm!
+
+ Wilhelm: I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Mr Steinbrenner and I really
+ want you to know we appreciate all the hours you've been putting
+ in....And, ah, confidentially, Sozonkel, our Assistant to the General
+ Manger, hasn't really been working out. And the boos thinks, you're the
+ man for the job! So, keep it under your hat!
+
+
+
+ (Scene: Jerry's Apartment)
+
+ George: Assistant to the General Manager!! You know what means?!?
+ He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm a
+ heartbeat away!
+ +
+ Jerry: That's a hell of an organization they're running up there. I
+ can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.
+
+ George: And, it is all because of that car. You see, Steinbrenner is
+ like the first guy in, at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures
+
+ I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He
+ see my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of
+
+ them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day!
+
+ Jerry: Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever
+ made.
+
+ (Elaine enters)
+
+ Elaine: Hey.
+
+ Jerry: Hey.
+
+ George: Hey, how ya doing?!?
+
+ Elaine: Better, now.
+
+ Jerry: yeah, what happened?
+
+ Elaine: You know Sue Ellen Mishke?
+
+ Jerry: Sue Ellen Mishke?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last
+
+ year...
+
+ Jerry: Sounds familiar.
+
+ Elaine: The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune--
+
+ Jerry: Oh, yeah, you mentioned her.
+
+ Elaine: Yes. I ran into her today. This woman has never, not once,
+ ever, as long as I have known her, worn a bra.
+
+ George: Ah, that is disgusting--
+
+ Jerry: That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no--
+
+ George: The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--
+
+ Jerry: It's wrong, it's rude, and it's--
+
+ George: It's disgusting--
+
+ Elaine (getting up to leave): Alright, there's no---
+
+ George: Come on! Come-on.
+
+ Jerry: We're only kidding!
+
+ Elaine: You don't understand. See, she hasn't changed at all. She
+ stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, and
+ I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way,
+ and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows
+ her, right out the door!
+
+ Jerry (excited): She's your Lex Luthor!
+
+ Elaine: Her birthday's comin' up, so I decided to get her a little
+ present.
+
+ Jerry: What are you going to get her?
+
+ Elaine: A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier.
+
+ Jerry: There's nothing subtle about that.
+
+ George: No, no, she might just think its a gift.
+
+ Jerry: Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift?
+
+
+
+ (Scene: The coffee shop)
+
+ George: Ahhh, Hey-Ho.
+
+ Jerry: What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at
+ work?!?
+
+ George: Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan
+ for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!
+
+ Jerry: So, you're just taking off from work?
+
+ George: They won't know. I got the car there.
+
+ Jerry: Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the
+ verge of this big promotion?
+
+ George: My presence, in that office, can only hurt my chances.
+
+
+
+
+ (Scene: Elaine's office at J Peterman)
+
+ Receptionist on Intercom: Sue Ellen Mishke to see you.
+
+ Elaine: Sue Ellen Mishke? Ah, alright, send her in.
+
+ (Sue Ellen enters, wearing the brazier as a top, with a black blazer)
+
+ Sue Ellen: Hi Elaine.
+
+ Elaine: Hellllloo.
+
+ Sue Ellen: I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop
+ in, and thank you for your lovely gift.
+
+ Elaine: Ohhhhh. You're....welcome.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Is anything wrong?
+
+ Elaine: Well, Sue Ellen, it's a, it's not a top, it's a bra.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Oh, I know. Thanks again.
+
+
+
+ (Scene: The Rosses cabin)
+
+ George: This is the life! Isn't it, huh, kid?
+
+ Susan: Wanna check out a swap meet?
+
+ George: Yeah, maybe. Where'd you get that?
+
+ Susan: Oh, it was on the windshield of the car when we came out of that
+
+ rest stop.
+
+ (George sits up suddenly)
+
+
+
+ (Scene: Jerry's apartment, phone ringing)
+
+ Jerry (answering phone): Yello.
+
+ George: Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor.
+
+ Jerry: What's goin' on?
+
+ George: I just remembered, there's this Chinese restaurant out near
+ Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, so?
+
+ George: Alright, this is what ya gotta do: I need ya to go out to the
+ parking lot at Yankee Stadium, and take the flyers off my car.
+
+ Jerry: You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three
+ floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off
+ your car, where does it end?!?
+
+ George: Alright, alright. I'll drive the 4 hours each way, 6 hours all
+
+ together, and take 'em off myself!!
+
+ Jerry: Alright, alright, I'll do it!!
+
+ (Jerry hangs up, Kramer enters Jerry's apartment)
+
+ Jerry: Hey, what are ya up to?
+
+ Kramer. Nothin'.
+
+ Jerry: Do ya wanna go with me up to the Bronx and see if there's any
+ flyers on George's car.
+
+ Kramer (excited): Sure!
+
+ Jerry: I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?
+
+ Kramer: yep.
+
+ (Scene: Yankee Stadium parking lot.)
+
+ (George's car is covered with flyers bird droppings)
+
+ Jerry: Oh, man, look at this mess! You know what's gonna happen if
+ they see this? What are we gonna do?
+
+ Kramer: I don't know.
+
+ Jerry: Well, we gotta get it washed....Ah, the keys are locked inside!
+
+ Kramer: Wait a second....
+
+ + Jerry: What are ya gonna do?
+
+ Kramer: I'll just snag the lock with this. Here we go...
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh?
+
+ (Scene: Jerry and Kramer driving George's car, after the car wash.
+ Kramer is behind the wheel.)
+
+
+
+ Kramer: George has gotta be happy about this.
+
+ Jerry (indifferent): Yeah, yeah, yeah...
+
+ Jerry: Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra?
+
+ (Sue Ellen is seen walking down the street)
+
+ Kramer: Oh, mama.
+
+ Jerry: Kramer!!!
+
+ (Car crashes into a lamp post)
+
+ (Commercial)
+
+ (Scene: Jerry's Apartment)
+
+
+
+ Elaine: My God, are you okay?
+
+ Kramer: I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder.
+
+ Jerry: I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it
+ can make it.
+
+ Elaine: So how did this happen?
+
+ Jerry: He was starin' at some woman!
+
+ Kramer: I couldn't help it, you saw what she was wearing.
+
+ Elaine: What woman?
+
+ Jerry: There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing
+ just a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind.
+
+ Elaine: Oh...my God.
+
+ Jerry: What?
+
+ Elaine: Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah!
+
+ Elaine: Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke!
+
+ Jerry: Sue Ellen Mishke?
+
+ Elaine: That's the bra I gave here, she's wearing it as a top! The
+ woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on,
+ she's a menace to society.
+
+ Kramer: You know, my arm really hurts. I wonder if its gonna affect my
+
+ golf swing.
+
+ (Kramer makes a golf swing motion and collapses in pain)
+
+ (Stan enters)
+
+ Stan (out of breath): I got your message, how's the shoulder?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, it's my left arm, I can't swing it!
+
+ Stan: No, no. Not the left arm!
+
+ Kramer: What happens if I can't play like I was? What about the tour,
+ and all my dreams?
+
+ Elaine: Oh! I got it! Let's sue her!
+
+ Kramer: Sue her?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, she's loaded. She's the heiress to the O'Henry candy bar
+
+ fortune.
+
+ Kramer: No, no, no, I can't. I learned my lesson from that coffee
+ company.
+
+ Elaine: Kramer, listen to me. Listen! This is a once in a lifetime
+ opportunity. Your dreams have been shattered, somebody's got to be held
+
+ accountable. Come on, we'll take for every penny she's got!
+
+ Kramer: What do you think, Stan?
+
+ Stan: Let's go for the green! You know a good lawyer?
+
+ (Kramer smiles)
+
+ (Scene: Jackie Chiles' office)
+
+
+
+ Jackie: So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding
+ your own business?
+
+ Kramer: Yeah.
+
+ Jackie: Then what happened?
+
+ Kramer: The we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.
+
+ Jackie: No top? She didn't have a top on?
+
+ Kramer: No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.
+
+ Jackie: Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was
+ an attractive woman?
+
+ Kramer: Oh, yeah.
+
+ Jackie: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin'
+ around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
+
+ Kramer: She was flouting.
+
+ Jackie: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious,
+ outrageous!
+
+ Kramer: It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar
+
+ fortune.
+
+ Jackie: Could you repeat that?
+
+ Kramer: I said she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
+
+ Jackie: O'Henry? That's one of our top-selling candy bars. It's got
+ chocolate, peanuts, nougat, it's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!
+ Have you been to a doctor?
+
+ Kramer: No.
+
+ Jackie (speaking to the intercom): Susie, call Dr. Bison, set up an
+ appointment for Mr. Kramer, tell him it's for me.
+
+ Kramer: So whadda ya think, Jackie? I mean we got a case?
+
+ Jackie: Like taking candy from a baby.
+
+ (Scene: The cabin)
+
+
+
+ George: I think I got it. How 'bout this? How 'bout this? We trade Jim
+
+ Leyritz and Bernie Williams, for Barry Bonds, huh? Whadda ya think?
+ That way you have Griffey and Bonds, in the same outfield! Now you got
+ a team! Ha ha ha.
+
+ Susan: I don't know, George. I'm still worried about this car thing.
+
+ George: Would ya stop worrying?
+
+ Susan: Well, what about the flyers?
+
+ George: Jerry took the flyers off the car, I got the whole thing
+ covered.
+
+ (Scene: Yankee Stadium parking lot)
+
+ (Jerry having difficulty parking the car. After getting the car in the
+ space, Jerry leans against the door, trying to close it. Finally he
+ gives up and leaves, kicking a piece of the car under it as he goes)
+
+
+
+ (Scene: Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
+
+
+
+ Steinbrenner: Come in!
+
+ (Wilhelm enters)
+
+ Steinbrenner: Ah, Wilhelm.
+
+ Wilhelm: Mr. Steinbrenner, I am very concerned about George Costanza.
+
+ Steinbrenner: How 'bout a 'good morning'?
+
+ Wilhelm: Yes sir, good morning, good morning, sir.
+
+ Steinbrenner: Good morning to you, Wilhelm.
+ +
+ Wilhelm: Anyway, his car's in the parking lot, the front end is based
+ in, and there's blood in the car, and we can't find him anywhere.
+ Obviously he was in some sort of terrible car accident, and, trooper
+ that he is, he tried to make it into work, sir.
+
+ Steinbrenner: Alright, Wilhelm, listen to me. I want the stadium
+ scoured. He could be bleeding to death in the bullpen. Put everyone on
+
+ alert, check all the area hospitals, clinics, shelters, we've gotta find
+
+ that kid.
+
+ Wilhelm: Yes sir, yes sir.
+
+ Steinbrenner: We must find George, find him, Wilhelm!
+
+ (Scene: The hallway in Jerry's building)
+
+ (As Jerry walks down the hall to his apartment, he finds Sue Ellen
+ knocking on Kramer's door)
+
+
+
+ Sue Ellen: Excuse me, do you happen to know the gentleman across the
+ hall?
+
+ Jerry (mesmerized): Yes, yes, I do.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Do you happen to know if he'll be back anytime soon?
+
+ Jerry: No, I don't.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Oh...
+
+ Jerry: Is there something I can help you with?
+
+ Sue Ellen: No, I really just needed to speak with him.
+
+ Jerry: Well, you can wait for him in here if you like.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Oh, maybe I will.
+
+ (Jerry quickly unlocks his door, before she can change her mind)
+
+ Sue Ellen: If you don't mind.
+
+ Jerry: No, no, not at all.
+
+ Sue Ellen: Thanks.
+
+ Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
+
+ (Scene: Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
+
+ Steinbrenner: What is with these people, all day long. Come in, come
+ in.
+
+
+
+
+ Wilhelm: Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, you know, we've searched everywhere,
+ there's no sign of him. Not even anyone who remotely fits his
+ description, sir.
+
+ Steinbrenner: Oh my God, do you know what this means, Wilhelm?
+
+ Wilhelm: What, sir?
+
+ Steinbrenner: He's dead! Costanza's dead!
+
+ Wilhelm: Well, no, no, you see, I don't think--
+
+ Steinbrenner: As quickly as he came here, he's gone. The poor little
+ guy! Easy. Easy, big Stein, get it together. Ok, Wilhelm.
+
+ Wilhelm: Yessir?
+
+ Steinbrenner: Find out where his parents live.
+
+ Wilhelm: Parents.
+
+ Steinbrenner: I'm gonna personally notify them. ...and, ah, line up
+ some candidates to fill that assistant to the General Manager position,
+ we can't grieve forever! We gotta get back to business! Back to
+ Business Wilhelm!
+
+ (Scene: Jerry's Apartment)
+
+ (Kramer enters)
+
+
+
+ Kramer: Well, buddy, he's taking the case! Jackie Chiles is right on
+ it! Right on it, he's all over it!
+
+ Jerry (not happy): Oh, really?
+
+ Kramer: Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?
+
+ Jerry: I don't know, so the woman was walking around in a bra, I mean
+ it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching
+ the road.
+
+ Kramer: Well, your attitude has certainly changed.
+
+ Jerry: I don't think my attitude has changed.
+
+ Kramer: Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify.
+
+ Jerry: Well, I don't know if I....
+
+ Kramer: Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!
+
+ Jerry: I don't think I--
+
+ Kramer: Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry,
+ now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team,
+ Jerry!
+
+ Jerry: Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer.
+
+ Kramer: Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!?
+
+ Jerry: Nothing's happened.
+
+ Kramer (in disgust): Goohhhhck.
+
+ (As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage
+
+ can)
+
+
+
+ Kramer (picking up the wrapper): Ohhhh, what's this?
+
+ Jerry: Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second,...
+
+ Kramer: I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't
+ she?
+
+ Jerry: Kramer, it is not what you think.
+
+ Kramer: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over
+
+ this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're
+ willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down
+
+ the river.
+
+ Jerry: And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander
+ out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality
+ O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!
+
+ Kramer: You're just out for sex!
+
+ Jerry: You're just out for money!
+
+ Kramer and Jerry (together): Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!
+
+ (Scene: The Costanza house, Queens)
+
+ (Steinbrenner is knocking, Estelle open the door)
+
+
+
+ Steinbrenner: Mrs. Costanza?
+
+ Estelle (smiling): Yesss?
+
+ Steinbrenner: My name is George Steinbrenner, I'm afraid I have some
+ very sad new about your son.
+
+ (Scene changes to Costanza living room)
+
+
+
+ Estelle (crying): I can't believe it, he was so young. How could this
+ have happened?
+
+ Steinbrenner: Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first
+ one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human
+
+ dynamo.
+
+ Estelle: Are you sure you're talking about George?
+
+ Steinbrenner: You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?
+
+ Frank (yelling): What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had
+ 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you
+
+ don't know what the hell you're doin'!!
+
+ Steinbrenner: Well, Buener was a good prospect, no question about it. +
+ But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying 'Ken
+ Phelps , Ken Phelps'.
+
+ (Scene: Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message on
+ + his answering machine)
+
+
+
+ Frank (from the answering machine): Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr.
+ Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back!
+
+ (The phone rings again)
+
+ Jerry (answering phone): Hello?
+
+ George (other end of phone): Hey, it's George.
+
+
+
+ Jerry: Where have you been?!?
+
+ George: What?
+
+ Jerry: I just got the most bizarre message from you father,
+ Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!
+
+ George: Dead?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a little
+ crumpled.
+
+ George: My car is a little crumpled?!?
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the
+ stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw
+ the blood, they couldn't find ya, and now that's why Steinbrenner thinks
+
+ you're dead!
+
+ George: Okay, I gotta head back right away, I'll -- I gotta figure
+ something out here.
+
+ Jerry: Well you gotta call your parents.
+
+ George: I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there!
+
+ Jerry: Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?
+
+ George: Nnnooo! They could use the break!
+
+ (Scene: Elaine's office at J Peterman)
+
+ (Elaine is at her desk, Peterman enters)
+
+
+
+ Peterman (holding up a bra): Elaine, do you see this? Do you see what
+ I'm holding is my hands?
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, it's a bra.
+
+ Peterman: I saw a woman in our hallway wearing one of these as a top.
+ What exquisite beauty, I ran down the hallway to talk to her, but the
+ elevator door closed. It was not to be. Perhaps our paths will cross
+ again some day.
+
+ Elaine: What is this all about?
+
+ Peterman: I wanna market this item as a new direction in women's
+ fashion. We're gonna sell this as a top. Here's the angle: Zelda
+ Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this at wild parties,
+ driving all the men crazy.....Have it on my desk by the end of the week.
+
+ (Scene: Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner's office, someone is knocking)
+
+ Steinbrenner: Come in, come in.
+
+ (George enters, with a bandage on his head, walking with crutches)
+
+
+
+ George: Mr. Steinbrenner--
+
+ Steinbrenner (shocked): Ahhh, Ahhh! Ah, ah ah! Is it you?
+
+ George: Yeah, it's me sir. It's been a harrowing few days. After the
+ car accident, I crawled into a ditch and managed to survive on grubs and
+
+ puddle water, until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.
+
+ Steinbrenner: Grubs, huh? Gotta admit, I never tasted one of those.
+
+ George: Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I think I may have found
+ a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up
+ that much.
+
+ Steinbrenner: Well, don't tell it to me George, tell it to the new
+ Assistant to the General Manager.
+
+ George: I didn't get the job?
+
+ Steinbrenner: Well, once you were dead, we couldn't just sit on our
+ hands. We had to make a move...
+
+ (Dejected, George turns to leave, no longer walking with he crutches,
+ and takes the bandage off his head)
+
+ Steinbrenner: But, you still have your old job. Of course, we'll have
+ to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club here.
+ If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next thing
+ you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work for
+ the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show!
+
+ (Scene: Courtroom)
+
+
+
+ Jackie: So it was the meeting on the street that prompted you to buy
+ the bra for Miss Mishke, would you say that was correct?
+
+ Elaine (on the witness stand): Yes...ummm, yes, that's correct.
+
+ (Sue Ellen leans back and smiles at Jerry, Kramer notices, worried)
+
+
+
+ Jackie: And you have also brought with you, another bra, exactly like
+ the one that she so flagrantly exhibited herself in!
+
+ Elaine: Yes, that's correct.
+
+ (Kramer is now on the witness stand)
+
+
+ Jackie: What was you golf score, the last round you played...before you
+
+ shoulder was injured?
+
+ Kramer: Three under par.
+
+ (Stan nods proudly)
+
+ Jackie (impressed): Oooohhhh, three under par...That's what the
+ professionals shoot, isn't it?
+
+ Kramer: If they're lucky.
+
+ (Stan laughs)
+
+ (Jerry is now on the witness stand)
+
+
+ Jackie: Would you tell this jury exactly what you saw on the corner of
+ 83rd Street and Columbus?
+
+ Jerry (hesitant): I...don't remember.
+
+ Jackie: Well, did you, or did you not, see the defendant, wearing the
+ bra?
+
+ Jerry: I don't know. Maybe.
+
+ Jackie: Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that you are under oath. Now
+ I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing the
+ bra?!?
+
+ Jerry: ....Alright, alright, I saw her! And she was beautiful in that
+ bra! I'm crazy about her! I love her whole free swinging, free
+ wheeling attitude!
+
+ Judge (banging his gavel): This court will come to order!
+
+ Jackie: No further questions, your honor.
+
+ Judge: You may step down.
+
+ Jackie (to Kramer): I think we got this wrapped up.
+
+
+ Kramer: Yeah, yeah...What's your read, Stan?
+
+ Stan: You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the
+ cup.
+
+ Kramer: What do you mean?
+
+ Stan: Have her try on the bra, see if it fits.
+
+ Jackie: No, no, no, no!
+
+ Kramer: Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.
+
+ Jackie: Stan? Who the hell is Stan?
+
+ Kramer: He's my caddy.
+
+ Jackie: You're caddy?!? This is a big mistake!
+
+ Kramer: G- cada-
+
+ Jackie: Your honor, we request at this time, that Miss Mishke...try on
+ the bra.
+
+ Judge: This court will come to order! Go ahead Miss Mishke, try it on.
+ +
+ (Sue Ellen proceeds to try on the bra, over her top, but it seems too
+ small)
+
+
+
+ Sue Ellen: Ah, it doesn't fit...I can't put it on.
+
+ Jackie (to Kramer and Stan): Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothin'
+
+ now, nothin'! I've been practicing law for 25 years, you're listenin'
+ to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant
+ have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on
+ over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A
+ bra gotta fit right up a person's skin, like a glove!
+
+ (Scene: Elaine's office)
+
+ (Two women enter wearing bras as tops)
+
+ Woman #1: Oh, hey, Elaine, how 'bout some lunch?
+
+ Elaine: Oh, no, I don't think so.
+
+ Woman #2: Great job on the Gatzby Swing Top. It's a winner.
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, yeah, thanks.
+
+ Woman #1: Are you sure you don't wanna go? We have reservations.
+
+ Elaine: Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble gettin' a table.
+
+ Woman #1: Ciao.
+
+ Woman #2: Ba-bye.
+
+ (Elaine makes a gun with her fingers and points it to her head)
+
+
+
+ (End of Episode)
+
+
+ Transcribed by Stan The Caddy
+ Originally posted on StanTheCaddy.com (http://www.StanTheCaddy.com)
+ (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as
+ two lines above are included - Thanks)
+ + + + + + + + + +

 

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The Cadillac (1)

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+ + Transcribed by Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness
+
+ Episode Number: 124
+ Original Air Date: February 08, 1996
+
+ Written by: Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+
+ Recurring Cast:
+ Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld)
+ Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld)
+ Sandy Baron (Jack Klompus)
+
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Marisa Tomei (Herself)
+ Ann Guilbert (Evelyn)
+ Walter Olkewicz (Nick (Cable Guy))
+ Annabelle Gurwitch (Katy)
+ Bill Macy (Herb)
+ Jesse White (Ralph)
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner has he + put
+ his bags down than Kramer enters.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey! You're back!
+
+ JERRY: Oh, I'm back, baby.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, how was it?
+
+ JERRY: Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
+
+ KRAMER: Good for you.
+
+ JERRY: I killed.
+
+ KRAMER: You killed.
+
+ JERRY: (taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and
+ (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable.
+
+ KRAMER: Unbelievable.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
+
+ KRAMER: How much?
+
+ JERRY: (reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...
+
+ KRAMER: Aw, c'mon.
+
+ JERRY: Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect + the
+ friendship.
+
+ KRAMER: I tell you how much I make.
+
+ JERRY: And I'm always impressed.
+
+ KRAMER: Just show me the cheque, c'mon.
+
+ JERRY: Awright, fine. You wanna see it?
+
+ KRAMER: I wanna see it.
+
+ JERRY: Okay.
+
+ Jerry gets out his wallet, extracts a cheque from within it and hands + it to
+ Kramer.
+
+ JERRY: Here, check that out.
+
+ Kramer reads the cheque, and a look of astonishment comes to his face.
+
+ KRAMER: (stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.
+
+ JERRY: I told you.
+
+ Kramer has to sit on the couch, he's so shocked.
+
+ KRAMER: My god, you're rich.
+
+ JERRY: (taking back the check) Oh yeah.
+
+ KRAMER: I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez.
+
+ JERRY: What?
+
+ KRAMER: I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior.
+
+ JERRY: I never shoulda told you.
+
+ KRAMER: You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, + I
+ feel it. Do you feel it?
+
+ JERRY: No, I can't feel anything.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, what're you gonna do with all that money?
+
+ JERRY: Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to
+ charity.
+
+ KRAMER: (pleased) Really?
+
+ JERRY: (deadpan) No.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, you should, Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a + new
+ car.
+
+ KRAMER: Now, you see, that's nice.
+
+ JERRY: Maybe a Cadillac.
+
+ KRAMER: (smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted
+ one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm + gonna
+ do it.
+
+ KRAMER: You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this
+ one.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, isn't that what it's all about?
+
+ Kramer and Jerry smile in agreement.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Elaine sits in a booth, across from her friend Katy.
+
+ ELAINE: Who was Pippi Longstocking?
+
+ KATY: Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, I don't don't know.
+
+ ELAINE: Did she have anything to do with Hitler?
+
+ KATY: Hitler? (thinks) Maybe.
+
+ George enters and walks over to the booth. He's looking impatient.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey.
+
+ ELAINE: Hey George.
+
+ GEORGE: Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock.
+
+ George twists round, so he can watch the door.
+
+ ELAINE: (indicating) You remember Katy?
+
+ GEORGE: (distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
+ We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.
+
+ KATY: Also ear, nose and throat.
+
+ GEORGE: Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What
+ does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)
+
+ KATY: (amused) He's funny.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah, you don't have to tell me.
+
+ GEORGE: Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, you know what? He got engaged.
+
+ + KATY: Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.
+
+ GEORGE: What? Is that bad?
+
+ KATY: I actually would've set you up with a friend of mine.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh-ho, yeah?
+
+ KATY: You'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys.
+
+ GEORGE: (curious) Bald? Uh?
+
+ KATY: Loves bald.
+
+ GEORGE: Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she?
+
+ KATY: Marisa Tomei.
+
+ GEORGE: (taken aback) The actress?
+
+ KATY: Yeah.
+
+ GEORGE: You're friends with Marisa Tomei?
+
+ KATY: That's right.
+
+ GEORGE: (getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, + I
+ love her, she was fantastic!
+
+ KATY: Yeah, I know.
+
+ GEORGE: (more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her?
+
+ KATY: Yeah, she's just been sitting home.
+
+ GEORGE: (fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't
+ you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!
+
+ ELAINE: (deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is talking on the phone as George enters and hangs up his coat.
+
+ JERRY: I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you + get
+ it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye.
+
+ Jerry hangs up and turns to George.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac
+
+ GEORGE: Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising + him.
+
+ Jerry walks to the kitchen.
+
+ GEORGE: You gonna sleep on the fold-out?
+
+ JERRY: (joyless) Yeah, yes.
+
+ Jerry opens the fridge door and gets out a piece of pie on a plate.
+
+ GEORGE: Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa + Tomei?
+
+ JERRY: The actress?
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she?
+
+ JERRY: Oh yeah.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah?
+
+ GEORGE: She happens to be very good friends with her.
+
+ JERRY: Marisa Tomei?
+
+ GEORGE: Uh-hmm.
+
+ JERRY: How does she know Marisa Tomei?
+
+ GEORGE: I don't know, I didn't ask.
+
+ JERRY: You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?
+
+ GEORGE: Not the point!
+
+ JERRY: Alright.
+
+ GEORGE: Can I finish?
+
+ JERRY: Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. + I
+ would've asked her.
+
+ Jerry opens the freezer compartment and gets out a tub of ice cream.
+
+ GEORGE: Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her.
+
+ JERRY: What d'you mean, could've?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.
+
+ JERRY: Ohh!
+
+ GEORGE: Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her + type!
+
+ JERRY: Really?
+
+ Jerry puts a scoop of ice cream on the pie.
+
+ GEORGE: (getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being
+ anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this + Marisa
+ Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
+
+ JERRY: You know, she won an academy award?
+
+ GEORGE: (sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin
+ Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar
+ winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if
+ fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing!
+
+ JERRY: Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn.
+
+ GEORGE: I mean, you've seen her, right?
+
+ JERRY: Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.
+
+ GEORGE: (shout) Marisa Tomei!
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
+
+ GEORGE: I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair,
+ the full lips.
+
+ George wanders to the couch, Jerry following with his plate of pie and + ice
+ cream.
+
+ JERRY: You like full lips.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick + on.
+
+ The two sit on the couch.
+
+ JERRY: Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.
+
+ Jerry takes a mouthful of pie.
+
+ GEORGE: (downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.
+
+ There is a knock at the door.
+
+ JERRY: (about the pie) This is no good.
+
+ Jerry puts down the plate, gets up and opens the door, to reveal a guy + in a
+ Plaza Cable cap.
+
+ JERRY: Hi.
+
+ NICK: Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother
+ you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about + uh,
+ heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?
+
+ JERRY: No.
+
+ NICK: If you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here?
+
+ JERRY: Sure.
+
+ NICK: Thanks.
+
+ The guy leaves. Jerry closes the door and returns to the couch.
+
+ JERRY: (about the cable guy) Nice people.
+
+ Jerry sits beside George again.
+
+ GEORGE: Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee + with
+ her?
+
+ JERRY: Well, what about Susan?
+
+ GEORGE: (worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not
+ allowed to have coffee?!
+
+ JERRY: Would you tell Susan about it?
+ +
+ GEORGE: (frustrated) Not necessarily.
+
+ JERRY: Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something + wrong.
+
+ GEORGE: (shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) + We had
+ a pact!
+
+ Jerry heads for the fridge, just as Kramer enters.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, cable guy's looking for you.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, yeah?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they + just
+ found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
+
+ JERRY: Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put + out.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept
+ waiting.
+
+ JERRY: You don't seem too bothered by it.
+
+ KRAMER: You remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll + be there
+ in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between + two and
+ six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so + much as a
+ phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my + nice
+ clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks
+ like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?
+
+ JERRY: Boy, I've never seen you like this.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ George sits on his couch, watching My Cousin Vinnie on video. Onscreen,
+ Marisa Tomei, is in court, explaining transmission systems.
+
+ MARISA: ...positrack, which was not available on the sixty-four Buick
+ Skylark.
+
+ Susan enters
+
+ SUSAN: Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you watching? What is that? My
+ Cousin Vinnie?
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah.
+
+ Susan stands behind George as she speaks.
+
+ SUSAN: I thought you saw that before. How come you're watching that again?
+
+ GEORGE: I..I..I dunno.
+
+ SUSAN: Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that? Boy, she's
+ beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.
+
+ George daren't say anything, but from his expression it's clear he wishes
+ Susan looked like that.
+
+ SUSAN: Turn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like + her
+ more than you like me.
+
+ Susan leaves to the bedroom.
+
+ GEORGE: (forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.
+
+ When Susan has gone, George picks up the phone and dials, keeping an eye
+ open in case Susan returns.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment/Elaine's Apartment]
+
+ ELAINE (O.C.): Hello.
+
+ GEORGE: (whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.
+
+ Elaine is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper as she speaks to George.
+
+ ELAINE: George. How come you're whispering?
+
+ GEORGE: (still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour.
+ Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
+
+ ELAINE: No.
+
+ GEORGE: (still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking
+ about me and, you know...
+
+ ELAINE: Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
+
+ GEORGE: (still quiet) The actress.
+
+ ELAINE: What?
+
+ GEORGE: (shouts) Marisa Tomei!
+
+ Susan hears from the bedroom.
+
+ SUSAN (O.C.): What?
+
+ GEORGE: (calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.
+
+ ELAINE: What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged!
+
+ GEORGE: A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything.
+
+ ELAINE: Uhh. No George!
+
+ GEORGE: Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: Forget it!
+
+ Elaine hangs up her phone in disgust.
+
+ GEORGE: Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!
+
+ Susan walks back in on George at this point. George quickly slips the + phone
+ under a cushion to conceal it, and goes back to watching My Cousin Vinnie,
+ to provide an excuse for his raised voice.
+
+ GEORGE: D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy!
+
+ Susan looks at him oddly.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is packing some gear into a bag, while Elaine watches and Kramer + peers
+ out into the hall through Jerry's peephole.
+
+ ELAINE: I can't believe you're buying your father a car.
+
+ JERRY: And, best of all, it's a Cadillac.
+
+ ELAINE: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow.
+
+ Elaine seems to become a lot more interested in Jerry. She moves over + to the
+ table where Jerry's packing, and turns the 'flirt' knob to the 'on'
+ position.
+
+ ELAINE: I had no idea you had this kind of money.
+
+ JERRY: Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were + in
+ this kind of, you know, uh... position.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, it's just money.
+
+ ELAINE: (smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida?
+
+ JERRY: Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?
+
+ ELAINE: I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting
+ when you're around. That's all.
+
+ JERRY: Are you okay?
+
+ ELAINE: (squeaky) Sure, sure.
+
+ JERRY: What was that?
+
+ Kramer sees something through the peephole. He motions Jerry and Elaine + to
+ quieten down.
+
+ KRAMER: Quiet, quiet.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment/Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Nick, the cable guy is standing by Kramer's door. George wanders up to
+ Jerry's door and, as he gets there, is addressed.
+
+ NICK: Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives here?
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah.
+ +
+ George moves to open Jerry's door, but the cable guy is still talking.
+
+ NICK: (quietly angry) All morning I been waiting here. All morning.
+
+ Peering through the peephole, Kramer makes a noise of excited satisfaction.
+
+ NICK: (still angry) The guy says he's gonna be home. I show up and all + I do
+ is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna put up + with
+ it much longer.
+
+ The cable guy stalks away. Inside Jerry's, Kramer turns to speak to Jerry
+ and Elaine.
+
+ KRAMER: I'm loving this.
+
+ Kramer lowers his eye to the peephole again, just as George opens the + door.
+ The door cracks Kramer on the forehead with a thump. George enters. Kramer
+ peers round George to check the cable guy's gone.
+
+ GEORGE: Kramer, there's a guy out here that...
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
+
+ Kramer exits and crosses the hall to his apartment. George closes the + door
+ behind himself, and takes off his coat. He notices Elaine.
+
+ GEORGE: (pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the
+ way.
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna + be
+ a part of this!
+
+ GEORGE: (animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a + fix
+ up!
+
+ ELAINE: You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you?
+
+ GEORGE: (defensive) So what? So what if I do?
+
+ ELAINE: (shrill) You're engaged!
+
+ GEORGE: (worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine.
+ An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda + been
+ with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky,
+ balding funny men!
+
+ JERRY: I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, what the hell?!
+
+ ELAINE: George! It's cheating.
+
+ GEORGE: (adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex!
+
+ ELAINE: Yes it is!
+
+ GEORGE: (frustrated) Ahh!
+
+ ELAINE: (looking for support) Jerry!
+
+ Jerry is standing by the kitchen counter. He has a stack of bank notes + and
+ is counting them. Elaine is mesmerised by the sight of all that currency.
+ She stands by the counter, her eyes locked onto the money.
+
+ JERRY: Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, + I
+ didn't hear what you said.
+
+ Elaine looks almost dizzy at the prospect of all that cash.
+
+ GEORGE: (pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates
+ the phone) Please, make the call.
+
+ ELAINE: (distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make...
+
+ Elaine picks up the phone and dials a number.
+
+ GEORGE: (triumph) Alright.
+
+ Jerry resumes his counting, but has lost track of where he was up to. + He
+ stands, holding one bill, trying to recall. Elaine has obviously been + paying
+ more attention, even as she dialled the phone.
+
+ ELAINE: Eight-fifty.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, right.
+
+ Elaine waits for the phone to be picked up.
+
+ ELAINE: So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, + or...
+
+ JERRY: No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car.
+
+ As Jerry goes to leave the kitchen, Elaine is sure to keep in his path,
+ smiling flirtatiously.
+
+ ELAINE: You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...
+
+ JERRY: Maybe I'll let you pick me up.
+
+ ELAINE: (big smile) Okay.
+
+ Jerry is finally allowed out of the kitchen by Elaine, and heads for the
+ bedroom. The phone is picked up at the other end of Elaine's line. As + Elaine
+ speaks, George stands beside her, doing a little selection of dances.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens)
+ Oh, really?
+
+ Something about the tone of her voice causes George to cease dancing.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks.
+
+ Elaine turns to an expectant George.
+
+ ELAINE: Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia.
+
+ GEORGE: (impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Morty is eating a cookie at the kitchen table. Helen comes over and grabs
+ the box he's eating from.
+
+ HELEN: Morty, what d'you have to open this box for? (waving at another + box)
+ There's already a box of cookies open.
+
+ MORTY: I wanted a Chip Ahoy.
+
+ HELEN: I don't like all these open boxes.
+
+ Helen puts both boxes of cookies away in a cupboard.
+
+ MORTY: Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having
+ it.
+
+ The door opens and Jerry enters, carrying his bags.
+
+ JERRY: Surprise!
+
+ MORTY: (shout) Jerry!
+
+ HELEN: (shock) Oh, my god!
+
+ MORTY: What the hell are you doing here?
+
+ JERRY: I'm a good son.
+
+ HELEN: Just like that? No calls?
+
+ JERRY: Just like that.
+
+ MORTY: Boy, you are really something.
+
+ HELEN: To what do we owe this great honour?
+
+ JERRY: You wanna know? Come on outside.
+
+ MORTY: Outside? What's going on?
+
+ HELEN: Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens.
+
+ Helen darts out of the door eagerly.
+
+ MORTY: (laughs) Heh hah!
+
+ JERRY: C'mon, c'mon.
+
+ Morty follows Helen outside.
+
+
+ [Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Standing at the kerb is a brand new, silver, Cadillac, gleaming in the
+ Floridian sunshine. Jerry leads Morty and Helen over to it.
+
+ JERRY: Well, what d'you think?
+
+ MORTY: Look at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?!
+
+ JERRY: I bought it for you. It's yours.
+
+ Morty and Helen both look astonished.
+
+ MORTY: You what? You bought me a Cadillac?
+ +
+ JERRY: I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go.
+
+ HELEN: (sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind?
+
+ JERRY: What?
+
+ MORTY: (to Helen) You don't want it? Are you kidding?
+
+ HELEN: He's not buying us a Cadillac.
+
+ MORTY: What are you, nuts?
+
+ HELEN: It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but take it back.
+
+ Helen wrests the keys from Morty's grasp and hands them back to Jerry.
+
+ MORTY: (to Jerry) Can you believe this?!
+
+ HELEN: I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind + of
+ money.
+
+ JERRY: How d'you know?
+
+ HELEN: Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.
+
+ JERRY: Why can't I buy my father a car?
+
+ HELEN: Your father doesn't need a car.
+
+ MORTY: Yes, I do!
+
+ Morty grabs the keys back from Jerry.
+
+ HELEN: Oh, Morty.
+
+ MORTY: We're keeping it.
+
+ HELEN: Over my dead body.
+
+ Helen makes another grab for the keys, and she and Morty struggle for
+ possession, watched by Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: (under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer sits on his couch reading a newspaper. Beside him, on a table, + are
+ his phone and an answering machine. The phone rings, but Kramer doesn't
+ answer, instead allowing the machine to pick up.
+
+ MACHINE (KRAMER): Giddyup.
+
+ NICK (O.C.): Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza Cable.
+
+ Kramer smiles on hearing the voice.
+
+ NICK (O.C.): Well, I waited all morning again. You said you were gonna + be
+ there from nine to one.
+
+ Kramer puts down his paper and stretches out on the couch to listen.
+
+ NICK (O.C.): I was there. Where were you? You think I got nothing better + to
+ do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!
+
+ Kramer waves his fist, mocking the cable guy's anger. He laughs to himself.
+
+ NICK (O.C.): You're not gonna get away with this!
+
+
+ [Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Morty is sitting in the Cadillac, with Jerry leaning on the door. They're
+ going through the features of the car.
+
+ MORTY: Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody
+ moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes
+ right back to where I like it.
+
+ JERRY: That's what I was thinking.
+
+ Jack Klompus approaches the car.
+
+ JACK: (pointing) Hello, Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Hiya, Jack.
+
+ Morty gets out of the car, shuts the door and leans against it.
+
+ MORTY: (indicating) So, how d'you like this?
+
+ JACK: Who's car?
+
+ MORTY: It's mine.
+
+ JACK: Yours?
+
+ MORTY: That's right. My son bought it for me.
+
+ JACK: He what?
+
+ MORTY: My son bought me the car. It's a present.
+
+ JACK: (disbelief) You bought it?
+
+ JERRY: That's right. I bought it.
+
+ MORTY: You ever see one so nice?
+
+ JACK: Some car.
+
+ MORTY: You wanna take a ride?
+
+ JACK: No, thank you.
+
+ MORTY: C'mon, take a ride.
+
+ JACK: I don't wanna take a ride.
+
+ MORTY: Why not?
+
+ JACK: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!
+
+ JERRY: He doesn't wanna take a ride.
+
+ MORTY: Uh huh.
+
+ JACK: (worked up) What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before?
+ Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.
+
+ MORTY: (skeptical) Thousands?!
+
+ JACK: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a
+ Cadillac?
+
+ MORTY: (dismissive) Ahh!
+
+ JACK: (dismissive) Yaah!
+
+ Jack angrily stalks away.
+
+ MORTY: Could you believe that guy?
+
+ JERRY: Aahh!
+
+
+ [Hospital Room]
+
+ George sits, talking enthusiastically to someone.
+
+ GEORGE: Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa.
+
+ The person he's talking to is Katy, who's unconscious, wearing an oxygen
+ mask and has an intravenous drip in her.
+
+ GEORGE: You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know + that
+ I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something
+ you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, + it's,
+ it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My + Cousin
+ Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that + uh,
+ you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) + So,
+ what d'you, what d'you think?
+
+ Katy is still unconscious.
+
+ GEORGE: (urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie?
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer is reading a magazine on the couch. The phone rings and he answers
+ it.
+
+ KRAMER: Y'hello.
+
+ NICK (O.C.): (inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, + ah,
+ this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some
+ trouble on your line.
+
+ Kramer smiles, as he recognises the voice.
+
+ KRAMER: Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
+
+ NICK (O.C.): Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your
+ neighbourhood.
+
+ Kramer walks over to his window, and uses his fingers to open a couple + of
+ blades on his blinds. Peering through, he can see a public phone box across
+ + the street. Parked beside the box is a truck emblazoned with the Plaza + Cable
+ insignia, and in the box is the familiar figure of Nick, the cable guy.
+
+ KRAMER: (playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a
+ little trouble with my call-waiting.
+
+ NICK: We can fix that. We can fix that.
+
+ KRAMER: (sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, + as
+ it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company
+ would know that.
+
+ NICK: Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong
+ work order.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the
+ stove.
+
+ Kramer puts the phone down beside a radio and switches it on. It plays
+ cheesy music into the phone. Kramer gets up and heads out the door.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Nick, the cable guy, stands in the phone box. He's listening to the cheesy
+ music on the phone, and getting impatient. He glances at his watch.
+ Suddenly, a car horn blares and a shout is heard.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, McNab!
+
+ THe cable guy turns, to see Kramer leaning out of the window of a cab + as it
+ passes.
+
+ KRAMER: Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by?
+
+ Kramer waves and smiles happily at the dumbstruck cable guy, as the cab
+ accelerates away.
+
+
+ [Tenant's Committee, Florida]
+
+ Around a table sit a number of residents, including an unhappy looking + Jack
+ Klompus. Morty is standing behind a lectern addressing the gathering. + He
+ bangs a gavel to get their attention.
+
+ MORTY: Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the restoration of the fence + at
+ the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting bids.
+
+ HERB: C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six months already. What the hell
+ are you doing?
+
+ MORTY: Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right
+ now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.
+
+ JACK: (half to himself) I'll bet you don't.
+
+ MORTY: What was that?
+
+ JACK: C'mon Morty, the jig is up!
+
+ MORTY: What're you talking about?
+
+ JACK: I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue.
+ I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer.
+
+ HERB: What's going on, Jack?
+
+ JACK: I'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing + funds
+ from the treasury.
+
+ MORTY: Stealing?!
+
+ RALPH: What proof do you have?
+
+ JACK: Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac.
+ Now what more proof do you want?
+
+ MORTY: My son bought me that car!
+
+ JACK: Your son?
+
+ MORTY: Yeah.
+
+ JACK: Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year,
+ at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!
+
+ HERB: Jack's right! He stinks!
+
+ RALPH: It's his material.
+
+ MORTY: I tell you, he bought it for me!
+
+ HERB: (bangs table with his fist) I move for a full investigation!
+
+ RALPH: I second.
+
+ Morty looks dumbstruck.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ George sits on the couch, watching Only You on the video. Onscreen, the
+ ever-lovely Marisa is delivering her lines.
+
+ MARISA: ...go introduce myself.
+
+ Susan enters, with a bag of groceries.
+
+ SUSAN: Hey! What're you watching? (looks at TV) Only You? That's another
+ Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) What, d'you
+ have a thing for her?
+
+ GEORGE: (laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing + for
+ Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man.
+ (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar
+ winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's + not
+ like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with
+ Marisa Tomei?
+
+ SUSAN: What are you talking about?
+
+ Susan wanders away into the kitchen with the groceries, looking bemused + by
+ George. George watches her go, staring at the kitchen door as he slips + off
+ into a daydream.
+
+
+ [George Dream Sequence]
+
+ George stares at the kitchen door, which glows with golden light. Then
+ Marisa Tomei slinks out of the kitchen in a long black dress, and her + hair
+ up. She comes and sits beside George on the couch, looking at him lovingly.
+
+ MARISA: Have I told you how much I love you today?
+
+ GEORGE: Not in the last fifteen minutes.
+
+ MARISA: Well, I do love you very much.
+
+ GEORGE: And I love you, Marisa.
+
+ MARISA: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the
+ premiere.
+
+ George leans across and takes Marisa in his arms. They kiss and slowly
+ recline onto the couch.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Susan returns from the kitchen, to find George kissing, and slowly reclining
+ onto the couch with, a cushion. George runs a hand across his head, in + the
+ fashion of a loving Marisa's caress. Then he raises his head from the
+ cushion to see Susan observing him. She turns and goes back into the
+ kitchen, wordlessly. George puts the cushion on the arm of the couch and
+ lies down.
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Jerry sits on the couch and Helen is in the kitchen, as an anxious Morty
+ delivers his news.
+
+ HELEN: Impeachment?
+
+ MORTY: That's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that?
+
+ HELEN: Can they do that?
+
+ MORTY: If they get the votes.
+
+ HELEN: I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.
+
+ JERRY: Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid + for
+ it.
+
+ MORTY: It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots.
+
+ JERRY: You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it + an
+ insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
+
+ MORTY: No-one's ever been impeached before. I couldn't live here. We'd + have
+ to move to Boca.
+
+ There's a knock at the door, and then it is opened and Evelyn walks in.
+ +
+ EVELYN: Hello?
+
+ JERRY: Oh, hi Evelyn.
+
+ Morty sits by the table.
+
+ EVELYN: Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) I just got off the phone
+ with Saul Brandus.
+
+ HELEN: What'd he say?
+
+ EVELYN: He's voting to impeach.
+
+ Morty thumps the table with his fist.
+
+ EVELYN: Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you
+ never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.
+
+ MORTY: I did so thank him!
+
+ HELEN: (admonishing) No, he never heard you. (prods Morty's back) I told + you
+ he didn't hear you.
+
+ MORTY: Ah, he's deaf anyway.
+
+ EVELYN: Now, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, + three
+ votes against impeachment, and one undecided.
+
+ MORTY: Who's that?
+
+ EVELYN: Mrs Choate.
+
+ JERRY: Who's she?
+
+ MORTY: Oh, that one. She's been a member of the board longer than anybody.
+ She's very tough to deal with.
+
+ HELEN: Maybe we should have her over for coffee, and explain our side + of it?
+
+ MORTY: That's a good idea.
+
+ EVELYN: Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.
+
+ HELEN: (surprise) The Lichtenberg's?
+
+ EVELYN: Yes, they're having a party.
+
+ HELEN: We weren't invited.
+
+ EVELYN: Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because
+ of the car.
+
+ Jerry puts his face in his hands.
+
+ [END]

+ + + + + + + + +

 

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The Cadillac (2)

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+ +
+ Episode Number: 125
+ Original Air Date: February 08, 1996
+
+ Written by: Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+
+ Recurring Cast:
+ Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld)
+ Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld)
+ Sandy Baron (Jack Klompus)
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Marisa Tomei (Herself)
+ Walter Olkewicz (Nick (Cable Guy))
+ Ann Guilbert (Evelyn)
+ Frances Bay (Mabel Choate)
+ Bill Macy (Herb)
+ Jesse White (Ralph)
+ Annie Korzen (Doris Klompus)
+ Daniel Zacapa (Power Guy (John))
+ Golde Starger (Bldg "A")
+ Janice Davis (Bldg "B")
+ Art Frankle (Bldg "C")
+
+
+ [Montage]
+
+ JERRY (V.O.): Last week, on Seinfeld.
+
+ A selection of scenes from The Cadillac (1) establish the story so far.
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out. He + twists
+ and turns, but can't find a comfortable position.
+
+ JERRY (V.O.): Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle + of the
+ bed?
+
+ Jerry continues to thrash about in discomfort. The phone rings and Jerry + picks
+ it up.
+
+ JERRY: Hello?
+
+ On the other end of the line is Elaine, in bed back in New York.
+
+ ELAINE: (flirtatious) Hi Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Elaine? Wh..what's going on?
+
+ Elaine rests on one elbow, playing with her hair as she chats playfully + with
+ Jerry.
+
+ ELAINE: (clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that + much
+ this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come + down
+ there and hang out a little.
+
+ JERRY: (a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the + Pines of
+ Mar Gables?
+
+ Elaine gives a slightly overdone girly giggle-laugh at Jerry's comment.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, it's just two hours by plane...
+
+ JERRY: Gee, I dunno what to tell you.
+
+ There is a beep from Elaine's phone.
+
+ ELAINE: Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry.
+
+ Elaine hits a button on her phone to take the other call.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah?
+
+ The other call is George. He sits on his couch in his dressing gown.
+
+ GEORGE: (urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's + phone
+ number!
+
+ ELAINE: (impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, + I'll
+ get you her number.
+
+ George punches the air in triumph, and sits back on the couch.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeahhh.
+
+ ELAINE: Goodbye.
+
+ Elaine hits the button on her phone again, to reconnect with Jerry.
+
+ ELAINE: (smiling and flirty) Hi.
+
+ JERRY: Hi.
+
+ ELAINE: So, what d'you think?
+
+ JERRY: Uh, I don't think so.
+
+ ELAINE: (disappointed) Oh.
+
+ JERRY: I'll be back on Monday.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) + Heh.
+ I can meet you at the gate, Jer.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you.
+
+ Jerry is moving to put down the phone when Elaine speaks.
+
+ ELAINE: (urgent) Jerry? Jerry?
+
+ JERRY: (putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah.
+
+ ELAINE: (breathy) Bye.
+
+ JERRY: Bye.
+
+ Jerry puts down the phone, still a little bemused by Elaine.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ The phone rings and Kramer picks up.
+
+ KRAMER: Hello.
+
+ Somewhere outside, a guy in overalls and a safety helmet is on the phone. + He's
+ writing on a clipboard as he speaks to Kramer.
+
+ JOHN: Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed.
+
+ Kramer gets a smile on his face, thinking it's another of the cable guy's
+ tricks.
+
+ KRAMER: Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?
+
+ JOHN (V.O.): Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. + It
+ seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged some of + the
+ wires.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, you don't say.
+
+ Kramer walks to his window as he listens.
+
+ JOHN: (a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. Either way, we need to get into + your
+ apartment and do a safety check.
+
+ Kramer opens his blinds slightly, as he did before. But there is no cable + guy in
+ the phone box across the street, only a woman talking on the phone.
+
+ KRAMER: (impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good.
+
+ JOHN: (confused) What're you talking about?
+
+ Kramer hits a button to end the call, and puts the phone back on the table.
+ John, the power guy, stares at his phone in disbelief.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Elaine sits in a booth. George enters, looking unnaturally happy, and + + comes
+ over.
+
+ GEORGE: Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite + Elaine)
+ And I wasn't even that nervous.
+
+ Elaine watches George, as he rambles on.
+
+ GEORGE: You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without + being
+ nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...
+
+ ELAINE: (looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have + for today.
+ Why don't we pick up with this next week?
+
+ Elaine rises.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey, where you going?
+
+ ELAINE: I got stuff to do.
+
+ GEORGE: What? You can't leave yet.
+
+ ELAINE: Why not?
+
+ GEORGE: We have to discuss my alibi.
+
+ ELAINE: Alibi? What does that have to do with me?
+
+ GEORGE: I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want + to know
+ what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?
+
+ GEORGE: Yes.
+
+ ELAINE: (pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me.
+
+ Elaine sets off to leave, but is stopped by George.
+
+ GEORGE: Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?
+
+ ELAINE: What is the difference?
+
+ GEORGE: Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in + sync.
+ Hmm?
+
+ Reluctantly, Elaine sits back down with a sigh, as George furrows his + brow in
+ concentration.
+
+ GEORGE: Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you?
+
+ George and Elaine both think hard for a moment. Then Elaine gets a flash + of
+ inspiration.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want + you to
+ go with me.
+
+ Elaine smiles and makes a 'voila' gesture.
+
+ GEORGE: (dismissive) It's no good.
+
+ Elaine looks offended.
+
+ ELAINE: (pointedly) Okay. Fine.
+
+ GEORGE: What?
+
+ ELAINE: I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and + take
+ process.
+
+ ELAINE: I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've + been a
+ little more tactful.
+
+ GEORGE: (explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never + worked
+ together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain + way of
+ working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I + work. It's
+ not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best
+ possible lie. That's what this is all about.
+
+ ELAINE: (weary) Okay.
+
+ GEORGE: Alright?
+
+ ELAINE: Okay.
+
+ GEORGE: Okay.
+
+ ELAINE: Fine.
+
+ GEORGE: Good.
+
+ ELAINE: Fine, fine, fine.
+
+ The twosome go back to thinking for a while. This time George gets the
+ inspiration.
+
+ GEORGE: Okay. How about this?
+
+ ELAINE: What?
+
+ GEORGE: (pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend + and I
+ am meeting you to discuss the situation.
+
+ ELAINE: I don't have a boyfriend.
+
+ GEORGE: (still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do.
+
+ ELAINE: (not convinced) Ech.
+
+ GEORGE: It's good. Believe me.
+
+ ELAINE: I thought my idea was just as good.
+
+ GEORGE: The dentist thing?
+
+ ELAINE: (pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.
+
+ GEORGE: Alright, the dentist thing was not good.
+
+ ELAINE: Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he?
+
+ GEORGE: (after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.
+
+ ELAINE: (incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?
+
+ GEORGE: That's your boyfriend.
+
+ ELAINE: What does he do?
+
+ GEORGE: He's an importer.
+
+ ELAINE: Just imports? No exports?
+
+ GEORGE: (getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay?
+
+ ELAINE: Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing?
+
+ GEORGE: (thoughtful) Yes. Yes.
+
+ ELAINE: (sighs) Yi-yi-yi.
+
+ Elaine and George go into another bout of deep thought.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, + he's
+ thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. + And
+ this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?
+
+ Elaine finishes with an expectant smile. George looks skeptical, and Elaine
+ seems offended again.
+
+ ELAINE: (irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either?
+
+ GEORGE: It's very complicated.
+
+ ELAINE: (definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all + you, and
+ none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all + and I am
+ Miss Stupid. Right?
+
+ George avoids Elaine's gaze, looking down.
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Helen is in the kitchen, putting cookies on a plate, as a restless Morty + fusses
+ around.
+
+ MORTY: What're you doing? Are you making coffee?
+
+ HELEN: Yeah.
+
+ MORTY: Well, maybe you better make a pot of tea, too.
+
+ HELEN: Morty, you're driving me crazy.
+
+ MORTY: Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. If this woman votes to + impeach
+ me, I'll be a laughing stock.
+
+ HELEN: You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to pay the consequences.
+ +
+ The doorbell chimes.
+
+ MORTY: There she is.
+
+ Morty and Helen both go to the door. Morty opens it and Mrs Choate enters.
+
+ MORTY: Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate.
+
+ HELEN: Oh, come in, come in. May I take your coat.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's taking my coat.
+
+ HELEN: Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have + it.
+
+ HELEN: I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have a seat. That's a lovely scarf
+ you're wearing. Where did you get it?
+
+ Helen goes to the kitchen as Mrs Choate sits on the couch.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Ahh, they're a dime a dozen.
+
+ Jerry enters.
+
+ HELEN: Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry.
+
+ Mrs Choate turns to look at Jerry. Jerry looks astonished as he recognises + Mrs
+ Choate. He remembers an incident from "The Rye".
+
+
+ [New York Street, "The Rye"]
+
+ Jerry grapples with Mrs Choate, for possession of a bag.
+
+ JERRY: Gimme that rye!
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!
+
+ Jerry wrests the bag from the old lady's grip.
+
+ JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!
+
+ Jerry races away down the street with the rye.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: (shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got + my rye!
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Jerry manages to regain a normal expression.
+
+ JERRY: Nice to meet you.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Hello.
+
+ MORTY: (holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives in New York. You just came + from
+ New York, didn't you?
+
+ Jerry looks desperate. The last thing he needs is Mrs Choate connecting + him with
+ New York.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. + The crime
+ there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right + on the
+ street?
+
+ Jerry gives a look of sympathy. Helen brings a couple of saucers and cups + from
+ the kitchen, placing them on the table before Mrs Choate.
+
+ HELEN: (sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they + steal a
+ rye?
+
+ MORTY: That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: They're like savages.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, there's some sickos out there.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: (peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met?
+
+ JERRY: You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?
+
+ HELEN: Maybe you've seen him on television.
+
+ MORTY: Jerry's a comedian.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Naw, I don't watch TV.
+
+ Jerry has moved rapidly to the door.
+
+ JERRY: (opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you.
+
+ MORTY: Jerry, don't go.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, I think I'll go.
+
+ Jerry darts out and shuts the door behind him.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: So, Morty, what's this all about? What d'you want?
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Susan sits on the couch, reading. She spots George, in his coat, heading + for the
+ door.
+
+ SUSAN: Hey, where're you going?
+
+ GEORGE: Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine.
+
+ SUSAN: Elaine? What for?
+
+ GEORGE: I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's
+ seeing.
+
+ SUSAN: I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.
+
+ SUSAN: So what does he do?
+
+ GEORGE: He's an importer-exporter.
+
+ SUSAN: What kind of problems are they having?
+
+ GEORGE: (not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, + quit
+ the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, + because
+ she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.
+
+ Susan looks unconvinced.
+
+ SUSAN: Are you having an affair with Elaine?
+
+ GEORGE: (trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with
+ Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm + going to
+ see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna + go see,
+ and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.
+
+ SUSAN: Huh?
+
+ George gives a smile and slides out the door.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Kramer strolls along the street, carrying a big bag of groceries. He becomes
+ aware that a vehicle is slowly driving along the road just behind him. + Kramer
+ shifts his load of groceries, so that a shiny baking tray is in a position + he
+ can use it as a mirror. Behind him, he can see the blurry image of a Plaza + Cable
+ truck. Kramer begins to walk faster, then breaks into a run.
+
+
+ [Another Street]
+
+ Kramer slows from his run, and looks behind himself. A smile comes to + his face,
+ as he sees the truck is no longer there. He allows himself a little shrug + of
+ satisfaction at having beaten the cable guy. Kramer turns and begins to + walk on,
+ with his groceries, when there is a screech of tyres and the cable truck + comes
+ to a halt in front of him - having taken another route to head him off.
+
+ The cable guy gives a 'come here' gesture with his forefinger through + the truck
+ window. Kramer turns and sets off running. He runs into a litter bin, + drops his
+ groceries and falls to the floor. The cable guy climbs from his truck + and begins
+ to advance on Kramer. Kramer picks himself up and, abandoning his groceries,
+ sets off running again, with the cable guy in pursuit.
+
+
+ [Variety of New York locations]
+
+ Kramer runs across a busy thoroughfare, followed, seconds later, by the + cable
+ guy.
+
+ Kramer hauls himself over a wall in a park, looks around, and then sets + off
+ + running. Moments later, the cable guy struggles over the same wall and + sets off
+ after Kramer.
+
+ Kramer runs across an expanse of grass in the park, with the cable guy + just a
+ few yards behind.
+
+ Kramer runs across a New York rooftop. He comes to the edge of the roof + and
+ looks for a way across to the next building. Kramer looks worriedly behind + him,
+ for the pursuing cable guy, then down into the gap between buildings. + Despite
+ his worry at the height, he steps back a few paces, takes a run-up, and + leaps
+ across to land on the roof of the next building. Kramer picks himself + up and
+ sets off running again. Behind him, the cable guy comes to the same gap, + looks
+ down at how far he has to fall, and thinks better of attempting the leap.
+
+ NICK: (yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll get you! I'll get you Kramer! + You
+ won't get away with this!
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Morty is fastening a jacket as he enters.
+
+ MORTY: Alright, are you ready to eat?
+
+ HELEN: (glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's + time
+ to eat. We're going to dinner.
+
+ Jerry wanders into the room. He's in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and holding + a
+ comic book he's been reading.
+
+ JERRY: (confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?
+
+ HELEN: (pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.
+
+ JERRY: (bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?
+
+ MORTY: By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five.
+
+ JERRY: I don't understand why we have to eat now.
+
+ HELEN: We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between four-thirty and + six.
+
+ MORTY: Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for
+ four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?
+
+ JERRY: Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?
+
+ HELEN: You're not buying us dinner.
+
+ JERRY: (emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty + to save a
+ coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!
+
+ HELEN: Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll wait. (pointedly) But it's + unheard
+ of.
+
+ Jerry shakes his head, incredulous, and wanders away with his comic book.
+
+
+ [Park]
+
+ George sits on a bench with Marisa Tomei. He's mid-speech, and Marisa's + looking
+ interested, smiling and laughing.
+
+ GEORGE: ...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that + bad a
+ word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, + which is
+ also good. Ma-newer , right?
+
+ MARISA: (laughing) You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure.
+ 'Ma' and the 'newer'.
+
+ Marisa laughs and George is smiling happily.
+
+ MARISA: Did you just make that up?
+
+ GEORGE: What, you think I'm doing material here?
+
+ MARISA: (laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously
+ funny.
+
+ GEORGE: (modest) And I'm a little tired.
+
+ Marisa laughs again, then speaks, still smiling, but more seriously.
+
+ MARISA: So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky + and
+ funny, how is it you're not taken?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged.
+
+ Marisa's face falls in disappointment.
+
+ MARISA: What?
+
+ GEORGE: I'm, you know, engaged.
+
+ Marisa's expression turns to anger. She swings a fist and punches George + in the
+ face, then grabs her bag and storms away. George feels the painful spot + where he
+ received the blow.
+
+
+ [Outside Scott's, Florida]
+
+ A few people stand around outside. The Seinfeld's Cadillac drives up to + the
+ front of the restaurant. There's a gap in the parked cars, right by the
+ entrance.
+
+ JERRY (V.O): Hey look, there's a spot right in front.
+
+ MORTY(V.O.): Always, Jerry. Always.
+
+ The Cadillac pulls into the space. From the entrance of Scott's emerge + Jack and
+ Doris Klompus, Jack using a toothpick
+
+ DORIS: Was that delicious or what?
+
+ JACK: Where you gonna get a better meal than that?
+
+ DORIS: Better than Danny's.
+
+ JACK: Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon!
+
+ The Seinfelds walk toward the entrance, where they meet the Klompus duo.
+
+ MORTY: Hello Jack.
+
+ HELEN: Doris.
+
+ DORIS: Hello, hello.
+
+ JERRY: Jack.
+
+ DORIS: Hello, Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Hi Doris.
+
+ JACK: Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, missed the early bird.
+
+ MORTY: Yeah, so?
+
+ JACK: (pointed) Must be nice to have that kind of money.
+
+ Jack calls over to one of the people outside the restaurant.
+
+ JACK: Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. (pointed) Your suddenly
+ well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, + they
+ kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac.
+
+ Morty is looking confident, even smug.
+
+ MORTY: They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes.
+
+ JACK: That's what you think.
+
+ MORTY: We'll see.
+
+ JACK: Yes, we will.
+
+ JERRY: Awright, let's eat already.
+
+ The Seinfelds enter Scott's, and Jack and Doris walk past the Cadillac.
+
+
+ [Elaine's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine answers a knock at the door, to find a slightly anxious looking + Susan.
+
+ ELAINE: Hi, Susan.
+
+ SUSAN: Hi.
+
+ ELAINE: Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.
+
+ Susan walks in, and crosses to the couch. Elaine closes the door.
+
+ SUSAN: (standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, sure.
+ +
+ SUSAN: (dead serious) Are you having an affair with George?
+
+ ELAINE: (disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no.
+
+ Elaine has to sit on the arm of a chair, she's laughing so hard.
+
+ ELAINE: (laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone
+ wanna sleep...
+
+ Elaine realises who she's speaking to, and the laughter dies away.
+
+ ELAINE: ...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why + would
+ you think I was having an affair with George?
+
+ SUSAN: Ohh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about + some
+ problem that you were having.
+
+ ELAINE: (recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with + him. I
+ definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.
+
+ SUSAN: Art Vandelay?
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, Art Vandelay.
+
+ SUSAN: I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel like an idiot.
+
+ ELAINE: (smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay.
+
+ SUSAN: Oh, just forget that we ever talked. Okay?
+
+ ELAINE: It is so forgotten.
+
+ SUSAN: Alright.
+
+ Susan moves toward the door.
+
+ ELAINE: Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.
+
+ Susan has the door open, when a thought occurs to her.
+
+ SUSAN: So, was George helpful at all?
+
+ ELAINE: (unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) + Uhm,
+ because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about + his
+ business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.
+
+ SUSAN: (not convinced) Yeah.
+
+ ELAINE: (explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant + in
+ my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
+
+ SUSAN: (spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted + to
+ give up the exporting.
+
+ ELAINE: What'd I say?
+
+ SUSAN: The importing.
+
+ ELAINE: (caught out) I did. Uh...
+
+ SUSAN: So, what does he uh, import?
+
+ ELAINE: (extemporising) Uh... chips.
+
+ SUSAN: Oh. What kinda chips?
+
+ ELAINE: Potato.
+
+ SUSAN: Ah.
+
+ ELAINE: (embroidering) Some corn.
+
+ SUSAN: And what does he export?
+
+ ELAINE: Diapers.
+
+ SUSAN: (fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering you.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, no, it's okay.
+
+ Susan and Elaine both use fake laughs, as Susan leaves and closes the + door.
+
+ ELAINE: Okay.
+
+ The moment the door closes behind Susan, Elaine races to her phone and + dials a
+ number hurriedly. She stands, listening to the ring, desperate for a response.
+
+ ELAINE: (to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Susan stands sifting through some magazines, when the door opens and George
+ enters. He's still feeling his face where Marisa punched him.
+
+ GEORGE: Hi.
+
+ SUSAN: Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does Art Vandelay import?
+
+ George looks surprised by the question, and thinks for a moment before + replying.
+
+ GEORGE: Matches? Long matches.
+
+ Susan raises her arm, and delivers the second punch that George has received
+ today. George is thrown backwards out of the door by the blow, and Susan + slams
+ the door behind him.
+
+
+ [Tenant's Committee, Florida]
+
+ Around the table are the board of phase two. Morty and Jack sit beside + each
+ other. Herb is chairing the meeting, and several other representatives + are
+ present, some chatting with each other. Herb spots Mrs Choate coming in + through
+ the door.
+
+ HERB: ...There she is. Okay, if I can have your attention for a minute + here.
+ We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider + a
+ motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.
+
+ Mrs Choate sits beside Morty.
+
+ MORTY: Nervous, Jack?
+
+ JACK: What for?
+
+ MORTY: Because I have the votes.
+
+ Morty turns to Mrs Choate.
+
+ MORTY: Nice to see you, Mrs Choate.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Hello, Morty.
+
+ Jack looks surprised at the friendliness between Morty and Mrs Choate.
+
+ HERB: Building A. Are you for, or against, the motion to impeach?
+
+ RALPH: What does that mean?
+
+ HERB: It means, if you're for the motion, you're against Morty.
+
+ RALPH: So why don't you say that?
+
+ HERB: Hey, I'm running the meeting.
+
+ RALPH: If you think so.
+
+ HERB: Building A?
+
+ BUILDING A: For impeachment.
+
+ HERB: Building B?
+
+ BUILDING B: Against impeachment.
+
+ HERB: Building C?
+
+ BUILDING C: For impeachment.
+
+ HERB: Building D?
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Against impeachment.
+
+ JACK: (a whisper to Morty) I can't believe you got that old bag.
+
+ Mrs Choate overhears Jack's comment, and it stirs a memory. She thinks + back.
+
+
+ [New York Street, "The Rye"]
+
+ Jerry and Mrs Choate struggle for possession of a bag containing a marble + rye.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: Help! Someone help!
+
+ JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!
+
+ Jerry wrests the bag from Mrs Choate and takes off down the street.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: (after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!
+
+
+ + [Tenant's Committee, Florida]
+
+ Mrs Choate wears a look of shocked realisation. She stands and addresses + Morty.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your son. Now I know where + I saw
+ him. He stole my marble rye.
+
+ MORTY: My son never stole anything. He's a good boy.
+
+ RALPH: They should lock him up.
+
+ MRS. CHOATE: (pointing at Morty) Like father, like son. (thumps table) + I change
+ my vote. I vote to impeach!
+
+ BUILDING B: Me too. I change my vote.
+
+ HERB: All those in favour, say aye.
+
+ ALL (EXCEPT MORTY): Aye.
+
+ HERB: All opposed.
+
+ Morty forlornly raises his hand.
+
+ HERB: The ayes have it. The motion passes.
+
+ Jack smiles a big smug smile of triumph, aimed at Morty.
+
+ HERB: Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed as condo president. + As
+ vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, + is
+ hereby installed as president.
+
+ Jack stands to acknowledge the honour.
+
+ HERB: Hear, hear, Jack.
+
+ Jack raises a hand in salute, as the rest of the board applaud him. A
+ disgruntled Morty remains silent.
+
+
+ [Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ A weary looking Nick, the cable guy, leans against Kramer's door. He knocks + and
+ there's no response.
+
+ NICK: (weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. + You win,
+ okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology?
+ Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now + how we
+ made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. + (upset) I
+ guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) + Well,
+ that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one + to
+ five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven
+ o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. + (worked
+ up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing)
+ Anyway, that's it.
+
+ The cable guy sighs, and begins to walk away. Kramer's door opens, and + Kramer
+ emerges. He and Nick look at each other apologetically for a few seconds. + Then
+ Kramer steps forward and they hug.
+
+
+ [Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ Morty comes in from the bedroom, looking around at his home. Helen holds + his
+ coat as he slips into it. She adjusts his collar and hands him a blue + hat. Jerry
+ enters through the front door.
+
+ JERRY: The bags are in the car, I guess we better go.
+
+ Jerry leads the way, followed by Helen, who folds a coat over her arm. + Morty
+ waits a second or two, having a final look round the room. He stands by + the
+ door, then steels himself. Giving a determined nod, he exits, closing + the door
+ behind him.
+
+
+ [Outside Morty and Helen's, Florida]
+
+ The Seinfelds walk, three abreast, toward the Cadillac. As they walk, + they pass
+ the other residents, who have come to see them off. They nod acknowledgement. + As
+ they get to the car, Helen and Jerry get in, but Morty stands in the open + door
+ of the Cadillac, turns to the assembled throng and gives a big smile, + and
+ arms-wide gesture (like Nixon leaving the White House), before climbing + into the
+ car. The residents wave back, one or two of them in tears, and Morty slowly
+ drives the Cadillac away.
+
+ [END]

+ + + + + + + +

 

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The Cafe

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+ +
+ Episode #307

+

Originally Aired: November 6, 1991

+

Transcribed by: Juha Auvinen
+
+ Cast:
+ Jerry Seinfeld....................... Jerry Seinfeld
+ Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
+ Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
+ Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

+

Guest starring:
+ Brian George [Babu Bhatt]
+ Dawn Arnemann [Monica]

+

Written by: Tom Leopold

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+


+ [Opening monologue.]

+

There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly + changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather + store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing + and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle + of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without + a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like + aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open + and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I + thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.'

+


+ [George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street + there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.]

+

George: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women + don't like nice.

+

Jerry: This is amazing, I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant + since it opened. Poor guy.

+

George: Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, + when nice is bad?

+

Jerry: What's that smell? What are you wearing?

+

George: Little cologne.

+

Jerry: Manly.

+

George: Monica wants me to wear it.

+

Jerry: So why didn't you say no?

+

George: I'm too nice.

+

Jerry: Poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan waiting him to send + back money. This is horrible.

+

George: She wants me to take an IQ test.

+

Jerry: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

+

George: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's + part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig.

+

Jerry: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.

+

George: You know, I can't talk to you anymore.

+

Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.

+

George: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think + I'm smart, but I'm not smart.

+

Jerry: Who thinks you're smart?

+

George: I'm not going to break a hundred in this thing.

+

Jerry: What thing?

+

George: You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!

+

Jerry: Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.

+

George: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores + for 15 years.

+

Jerry: What did you get?

+

George: What did I get or what do I say I got?

+

Jerry: What do you say?

+

George: I say fourteen o nine (1409).

+

Jerry: 1409, that's a good score.

+

George: You're telling me.

+

Jerry: What did you really get?

+

George: You are my friend.

+

Jerry: Of course.

+

George: I tell you everything, right?

+

Jerry: I hope so.

+

George: Well, this I take to the grave.

+


+ [Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine + is reading a newspaper.]

+

Jerry: He's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. + That's why no one is going in.

+

Elaine: Why do you keep watching?

+

Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the + toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going + to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.

+

Elaine: And then you flush.

+

Jerry: Well, it's a spider.

+

Elaine: You know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't + see anyone else in there.

+

[Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.]

+

Elaine: You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying. +

+

Jerry: Bazooka Joe.

+

[Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the door.]

+

Jerry: The buzzer.

+

Elaine: It's your house.

+

Jerry: My house? You have to be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? +

+

Intercom: It's George.

+

Jerry: Come on up.

+

Elaine: Casus belli.

+

Jerry: What's that?

+

Elaine: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted + to say it out loud.

+

Jerry: Go in, go in!

+

Elaine: Have you gone in there?

+

Jerry: No, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners + with him.

+

[George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.]

+

George: Hi.

+

Jerry: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us + both a favor.

+

[Elaine sniffs around.]

+

George: I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

+

Elaine: Sure, fine.

+

Jerry: Casus belli.

+

Elaine: Casus belli.

+

George: What's that?

+

Elaine: Since when do you wear cologne?

+

George: Why what I do is so important? Why must I be always the vocal + point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.

+

Jerry: Hey, how did you do on that IQ test?

+

George: I didn't take it yet.

+

Elaine: What IQ test?

+

George: What's casus belli.

+

Jerry: Oh, it's nothing...

+

George: Is it about me?

+

Jerry: Why must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't + you just be? Why can't you live?

+

Elaine: It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, + what is this test?

+

Jerry: This woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for + this course.

+

Elaine: Oh, that sounds like fun.

+

George: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.

+

Elaine: You'll do well, you're smart.

+

Jerry: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not. +

+

Elaine: What did you get on your SAT's?

+

George: It varies.

+

Jerry: You know, I don't even know my IQ.

+

Elaine: Mine's 145.

+

George: 145!

+

Jerry: Get out of here!

+

Elaine: You get out of here!

+

Jerry: You get out of here!

+

George: You should take the test for me.

+

Jerry: Well, that would be something, cheating on a IQ test. Hey, remember + in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became + a legend after that.

+

George: Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why wouldn't we + do that again?

+

Elaine: What?

+

George: You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out + the window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.

+

Elaine: Are you serious?

+

George: Why not?

+

Elaine: Where would I take the test?

+

George: I don't know, she lives right around the corner. Take it here + or go to the coffee shop.

+

Elaine: No, that would be too noisy.

+

Jerry: Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.

+

Elaine: Hey, what do you think?

+

Jerry: Hey, I love a good caper.

+

Elaine: Yeah, that's what is is, a caper.

+

George: You'll do it?

+

Elaine: What the hey.

+

George: Yeaah, beautiful...[They try to hit a high five, but George hits + Elaine in the forehead.] Sorry...

+


+ [Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.]

+

Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe.

+

Jerry: Well, I've been looking forward to it.

+

Babu: Oh, how did you hear about us?

+

Jerry: Eh, people, people are talking.

+

Babu: Smoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both.

+

Jerry: Non smoking would be great.

+

Babu: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming + hot face cloth for your pleasure.

+

Jerry: Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]

+

Babu: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.

+

Jerry: Well, what do you recommend my good fellow?

+

Babu: Oh, the turkey.

+ +

Jerry: Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment + here , my friend. I'm sure you flourish in this location for many many + years.

+

Babu: You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...

+

Jerry thinks: Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something + like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap + out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, + a nobel price?

+


+ [George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.]

+

George: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.

+

Monica: But why?

+

George: I can't concentrate in front of you.

+

Monica: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean + anything.

+

George: Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring + a persons intelligence.

+

Monica: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.

+

George: Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse + me, I would like to get started please.

+

Monica: Good luck.

+

George: Don't need it.

+

[Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting.] +

+

Elaine: What's been going on in there? I've been standing here for 20 + minutes.

+

George: I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing + this.

+

Elaine: All right, what time do you want me back here.

+

George: Eh, twenty to three.

+

Elaine: Ok.

+

George: Thanks again.

+

Elaine: All right.

+

George: And don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. +

+


+ [Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.]

+

Jerry: Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur + I must say.

+

Babu: It is in deed my pleasure.

+

Jerry: Oh, please...

+

[Elaine comes in.]

+

Babu: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today...

+

Elaine: Oh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast.

+

Babu: Tea and toast.

+

Jerry: Eat something! Babu...

+

Elaine: Um, ok, I'll have the rigatoni.

+

Babu: Oh, very good choice. Very good.

+

[Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.]

+

Jerry: Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.

+

Elaine: I know.

+

[Kramer comes in.]

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey.

+

Kramer: Oh boy. Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine...

+

Elaine: Hey.

+

Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. + Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket + back.

+

Jerry: So?

+

Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back.

+

Jerry: Why not?

+

Kramer: Because I meat a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're + attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him?

+

[Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.]

+

Kramer: Oh, gees...

+

Elaine: Yeah, ok...[takes the test and goes to another table.]

+

Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of + limitations on that?

+

Jerry: Statute.

+

Kramer: What?

+

Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.

+

Kramer: No, statue.

+

Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.

+

Kramer: Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it + statue or statute of limitations?

+

Elaine: Statute.

+

Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong.

+

Elaine: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a long + of time.

+

Kramer: What test?

+

Elaine: An IQ test.

+

Kramer: Why do you take an IQ test?

+

Elaine: It's for George.

+

Kramer: George?

+

Elaine: Yeah, can I...can I explain it to you later?

+

Kramer: Why are you taking an IQ test for George?

+

Elaine: Would you please?!

+

Kramer: What, is it for a job or something?

+

Elaine: Later!

+

Kramer: You're positive it's statute?

+

Elaine: Yes, yes!

+

Babu: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...[gives Kramer a hot + towel and Kramer screams and falls from his chair.]

+


+ [Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying + to get in. The door is locked.]

+

Monica: George?

+

George: Yeah?

+

Monica: The door is locked.

+

George: Oh, it's locked?

+

Monica: I need to get something.

+

George: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer.

+

Monica: George!

+

George: Wish I could.

+


+ [Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.]

+

Babu: Ladadeeda, laadadeeda....

+

Elaine: Babu! If you don't mind?

+

[Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup + of coffee.]

+

Elaine: Oh my God! It's all over the test!

+

Babu: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

+

Elaine: Oh man! Look at this...and I'm late anyway.

+

Babu: Please, forgive me, please...

+

Jerry: Go ahead, I'll take care of it.

+

Babu: I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!

+

Jerry: It's all right, she was cheating anyway.

+

Babu: You're a very kind man.

+

Jerry: Babu, you're Pakistani?

+

Babu: Yes, Pakistani, yes.

+

Jerry: Babu, may I say something?

+

Babu: Of course, you're a very smart man, I'll listen.

+

Jerry: I'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that + perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed + to franks and beans for example.

+

Babu: But there are no Pakistani people here.

+

Jerry: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant + in the whole neighborhood.

+

Babu: Yes, you see everything, don't you?

+

Jerry: Well, not everything. I do what I can.

+

Babu: I'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani + restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much, you're very special person, + very special.

+

[Babu leaves]

+

Jerry thinking: I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through + the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was + right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

+


+ [Elaine is giving the test back to George.]

+

Elaine: It was an accident.

+

George: What did you go on a picnic?

+

Elaine: Babu Bhatt did it.

+

George: Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?

+

Monica: Time's up George.

+

George: Ok. [George opens the door.] Here you go.

+

Monica: How did you do?

+

George: Piece of cake.

+

Monica: What happened to the test?

+

George: What? I spilled some food on it.

+

Monica: Food? What food?

+

George: What are you talking about?

+

Monica: Where did you get food?

+

George: From my pocket.

+

Monica: What?

+

George: I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.

+

Monica: And coffee?

+

George: Yeah, had some coffee, yeah.

+

Monica: Where did you get the coffee?

+

George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, + from the grocery store.

+

Monica: How did you get there?

+

George: I walked.

+

Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave. +

+

George: I climbed out the window.

+

Monica: You climbed out the window?

+

George: Of course.

+

Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?

+

George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here. +

+

Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.

+


+ [Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with + binoculars. There's a sign on the window: Closed for renovation.]

+

Jerry: Most people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not + me.

+

Elaine: You're very special.

+

[Kramer enters.]

+

Kramer: Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in looking for me, tell + him you don't know where I am.

+

Jerry: Of course, I always do.

+

Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket. +

+

Elaine: Just give it back to him.

+

Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me. [leaves.]

+

[Jerry sees George from the window.]

+

Jerry: Hey Georgie!

+

George: Coming up.

+

Jerry: How did you do on the IQ test?!

+

George: 85!

+

Jerry: What?!!

+

George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

+

[Jerry laughs.]

+

Elaine: 85?

+

Jerry: Well, well, well...

+

Elaine: He's coming up?

+

Jerry: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should + be here in a few seconds.

+

Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.

+ +

Jerry: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions + about hunting and testicles...

+

[George comes in looking angry.]

+

George: Oh, hello professor.

+

Elaine: George, I cannot believe...

+

George: Please...

+

Elaine: No there has got be a mistake.

+

George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father + gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

+

Jerry: But an 85?

+

Elaine: There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's + name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

+

Jerry mocking: It was a madhouse.

+

Elaine: Jerry! It was! Let me take it again.

+

George: Whow, forget it.

+

Elaine: Oh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose? +

+

George: You could do worst!

+

Elaine: No, no, I guarantee it.

+

George: All right, I'll ask her.

+

Elaine: Ok, now where I'm going to take it.

+

Jerry: Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.

+


+ [Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.]

+

Jerry: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I sorry I missed the + grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.

+

Babu: You see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money. +

+

Jerry: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.

+

Babu: You wish to eat?

+

Jerry: Let me tell you something Babu. You go back there in that kitchen + and tell your chef I want the works.

+

Babu: Very good.

+

Jerry thinking: Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, + very great.

+


+ [Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.]

+

[Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.]

+


+ [Jerry's monologue.]

+

You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning + where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating + point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, yeah you wanna + come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over, you went outside the + circle ok?

+


+ [Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the stuff.] +

+

[Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.]

+

Elaine: What are you doing?

+

Kramer: Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.

+

Elaine: What's going on?

+

Man behind the door: Hey, Kramer! I saw you going there! I'm not leaving + until I get the jacket. [Bangs on the door] Open up Kramer!

+

Elaine: Why did you come in here for?

+

Kramer: I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

+

Elaine: Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out + of here.

+

Kramer: I thought you took the test.

+

Elaine: I had to take it again.

+

Kramer: How come?

+

Elaine: What's the difference?!!

+

Kramer: Well, you can't leave now.

+

Elaine: What?

+

Man behind the door: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!

+

Kramer: Never!

+


+ [Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.]

+

Monica: George, open up.

+

[George opens the door.]

+

Monica: Well?

+

[George shakes her hand.]

+

George: How' you doing?

+

Monica: Where's the test?

+

George: You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again + to get a cup of coffee...

+


+ [Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.]

+

Jerry: Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I + got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's + a little stringy. You have any chicken?

+

Babu: The shrimp is stringy?

+

Jerry: Well, maybe your refrigerator...

+

Babu: Quiet!! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody + comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. + But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people! +

+

Jerry: You know, I think I'll just take the check.

+

Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]

+

Jerry thinking: Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?

+


+ [Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes + to open.]

+

Monica: Are you looking for George?

+

Elaine: Well eh, kind of....

+

Monica: George left.

+

Elaine: Oh.

+

Monica: Is that the test?

+

Elaine: Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.

+

Monica: Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better this time.

+

Elaine: Actually, you know what, I think I did. The first time I couldn't + really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entreat.

+


+ [At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are + carrying furniture out.]
+ [George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no + jacket on.]

+

Jerry: You know what it was, bad location.

+

George: Lets not stand here, we might run in to her.

+

Jerry: Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

+

Kramer: Yeah...

+

Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry.

+

Kramer: I'm going upstairs.

+

[Elaine comes.]

+

Elaine: Hey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151. +

+

Jerry: 151?

+

George: That's a good score.

+

Jerry: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?

+

George: Italian.

+

Elaine: No, Chinese.

+

Jerry: You know, what would be great?

+

[George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.]

+


+ [Closing monologue.]

+

It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed + doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, + your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. + Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much + aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have + to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. + What am I supposed to do?" + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+

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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheCalzone.htm b/TheCalzone.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..74446d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/TheCalzone.htm @@ -0,0 +1,814 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Calzone + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+
+
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+ +
+

The Calzone

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +  

+ +

first aired : 4/25/96

+

director : Andy Ackerman

+

writers : Berg / Schaffer

+

Characters :

+

Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld

+

Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer

+

Jason Alexander as George Costanza

+

and

+

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes

+

 

+

George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium

+

George : I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the + stadium ,

+

don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend + the doors

+

all the way to the floors ......

+

Mr. . Steinbrenner : All the way to the floor ! What are you crazy + ! You'd

+

suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You + know when I

+

was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over + there ? It

+

looks pretty tasty .

+

George : It's a calzone , sir .

+

Mr. . Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's + have a look at

+

at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down + here . That's

+

a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?

+

George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .

+

Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing + . Okay let's

+

get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good + . Excellent .

+

excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous + now . Okay

+

lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very + good .

+

Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple + of those

+

calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Big Stein wants an eggplant + calzone.

+

Must have one . Everybody out . Out .

+

Jerry and Elaine at apartment

+

Elaine : One of those fabric wholesalers . This guy Todd Gack . + I won a bet

+

from him .

+

Jerry : What bet ?

+

Elaine : He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars .

+

Jerry : Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars !?! Short Jewish guy against + Darth Vader .

+

I don't think so .

+

Elaine : That's what I said .

+

Jerry : So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner ?

+

Elaine : Yeah .

+

Jerry : Huh .

+

Elaine : What ?

+

Jerry : No . nothing .

+

Kramer walks in

+

Jerry : What's with you ?

+

Kramer : Feel this .

+

Jerry : Wow .That's hot .

+

Kramer : Yeah . It's piquing hot . It's fresh out of the dryer + . Hey Elaine

+

you have to feel my pants .

+

Elaine : I'll see you later .

+

Kramer : Oh . All right . You don't know what your missing . I'm + loving this

+

Jerry . I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless + it's straight

+

out of the dryer .

+

Jerry : So know every time you get dressed . You are going to go + down to the

+

basement and use the dryer .

+

Kramer : Oh yeah . It's a warm and wonderful feeling , Jerry . + So what are you

+

doing later ?

+

Jerry : I got a date with Nikki .

+

Kramer : Oh yeah she's a beauty .

+

Jerry : She's also quite bold .

+

Kramer : Oh bold and beautiful .

+

George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : I am loving this calzone . The pita pocket prevents + it from

+

dripping . The pita pocket . (phone rings)What is it Watson ? A + lost and found

+

. No . I don't think we need that . If people keel over because + they lost

+

something that's there tough luck . You got a drip on your mouth + by the way .

+

George : You know a lost and found could be a good idea .

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : Hold on Watson . You like lost and found George + ?

+

George : Definitely .

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : All right lost and found . But these got to + be a time limit

+

. We're not running a pawn shop here .

+

Jerry and Nikki at movies

+

Jerry : Hey , Elaine .

+

Elaine : Hi Jerry !

+

Jerry : This is Nikki .

+

Nikki : Hi !

+

Elaine : Hello . This is Todd Gack .

+

Jerry : Oh of course . Todd Gack . You did you bet was in Star + Wars ? Sammy

+

Davis Jr.

+

Elaine : So what movie are you guys seeing ?

+

Nikki : "Means to an End "

+

Elaine : Oh . We were going to see that but it was sold out . So + were going to

+

see " Blame it on the Rain "

+

Jerry : Why don't you see what you can do ?

+

Nikki : Okay .

+

Elaine : What's she going to do ? There's no more tickets .

+

Jerry : We'll see .

+

Todd : Hey Jerry . Do you like cigars ?

+

Jerry : Yeah . Why ?

+

Todd : I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt + cheap .

+

Jerry : Hey ,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding .

+

Todd : So do you want a box ?

+

Jerry : Sure . If there cheap Why not .

+

Todd : All right I buy a box and give to Elaine .

+

Nikki : Okay two tickets "Means to an End"

+

Jerry : Told you .

+

Elaine : How did you do that ?

+

Nikki : I just talked to the manager .

+

Jerry : All right . Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain "

+

Jerry and George at the coffee shop

+

George : There putting in a lost and found because of me . There's + a time

+

limit but still .

+

Jerry : There really building a Utopian society up there huh .And + you

+

tribute all this to the calzone .

+

George : Yeah . I am like a drug dealer . I got the guy hooked + . I am having

+

lunch at his desk everyday this week . He doesn't make a move without + me .

+

It's very exciting .

+

Jerry : With you two guys at the helm . The last piece of the puzzle + is in

+

place.

+

George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had + a little

+

thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the + tip jar and

+

just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then + when I am

+

leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean + if they don't

+

notice it what's the point .

+

Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .

+

George : Not bills .

+

Jerry : So George . Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever + she wants .

+

We are at the movies last night . It's sold out . Nikki goes and + talks to the

+

manager . Right in .

+

George : Beautiful women . You know they could get away with murder + . You

+

never she any of them lift anything over three pounds . They get + whatever they

+

want whenever they want it . You can't stop them .

+

Jerry : She's like a beautiful Godzilla .

+

George : Without thousands of fleeing Japanese .

+

Jerry and Kramer at his apartment

+

Kramer : Hey buddy .

+

Jerry : What the hell is all this ?

+

Kramer : I am looking for quarters for the dryer .

+

Jerry : Why can't you do this on your table ?

+

Kramer : Because I don't have a table .

+

Elaine walks in

+

Elaine : Hey .

+

Jerry : Hey . So how was "Blame it on the Rain ?"

+

Elaine : Huh . Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too .

+ +

Jerry : Oh !! Let me ask you a question . Was the movie part of + the bet ?

+

Kramer leaves

+

Elaine : No . We were both in the mood for one .

+

Jerry : You know Elaine , It is not my way to intrude on the personal + lives of

+

close fiends ....

+

Elaine : Oh is that so .

+

Jerry : Absolutely . But I feel I must inform you that what happened + last

+

night was more than a simple bet .

+

Elaine : What are you talking about ?

+

Jerry : Come on . Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars . He made a bet he + knew he was

+

going to lose just to take you to dinner

+

Elaine : If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me. +

+

Jerry : Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected + . He has

+

found a dating loop hole .

+

Elaine : I don't buy it.

+

Kramer walks in with more change

+

Jerry : So what happened after the movie ?

+

Elaine : Nothing . He walked me home .

+

Jerry : To the door ?

+

Elaine : Yeah .

+

Jerry : That's a date .

+

Elaine : No it's not .

+

Jerry : But I never walk you home .

+

Elaine : That's just because your a jackass .

+

Kramer : Ah !! I found a quarter . Anybody want there clothes heated + up ?

+

Jerry : No , no .

+

Elaine : No , no .

+

Jerry : So how did you leave it with him ?

+

Elaine : I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars .

+

Jerry : That's another loop hole . That's two dates without asking + you out .

+

Elaine : Your crazy !

+

Jerry : Crazy like a man .

+

George at Pisano's

+

Worker : Number 49.

+

George : You know my last name is Costanza . That's Italian . So + you and I are

+

like country men . Pisano's !

+

Worker : $ 6.50 your change .

+

George : And I always take care of my Pisano's . So here is a little +

+

something.

+

( drop in tip and worker looks the other way , so George decides + to take it

+

out and try again only to get caught )

+

Worker : Hey ! You steal my money !!

+

George : No no . That's not what I was trying to do .

+

Worker : I know what you try to do . Get out . Don't ever come + back ever .

+

George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

+

George : I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner .

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : Beautiful . I am starving George .

+

George : I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef . +

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : Corn beef . I don't think so . It is a little + fatty .

+

George : How about Chinese ?

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : Uhhhhh . No . Too many containers . Big mess + , big mess .

+

Too sloppy .I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's . That's + the

+

ticket .

+

George : I just thought it would be nice . A little variety .

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : No , no , no . George let me tell you something + . When I

+

find something I like I stick with it . From 1973 to 1982 I ate + the exact same

+

lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread + bowl George

+

. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There's nothing + more

+

satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but + a table .

+

Todd walking Elaine to her apartment

+

Elaine : Thanks for the dinner .

+

Todd : Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry + .

+

Elaine : Hey Todd . Let me ask you a question . Um . Was this whole + date thing

+

just a way of asking me out ?

+

Todd : What ?

+

Elaine : I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars ?

+

Todd : Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought + you dinner .

+

Elaine : Oh all right . Okay well , goodnight .

+

Todd : Hey , if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to + meet somewhere

+

?

+

Elaine : See what is that ? Is that a date ?

+

Todd : Why can't two people go and do something without it being + a date ?

+

Elaine : All right . I am sorry it's not a date .

+

Todd : No way . So I'll see you Saturday night ?

+

Elaine : All right .

+

Todd : Pick you up at 8:00 p.m.

+

Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop

+

Police officer : Do you know what the posted speed limit on this + road is ?

+

Jerry : I was got to be 55 .

+

Police officer : That's right it is . Do you know how fast you + were going ?

+

Jerry : A lot faster than that !

+

Police officer : Step out of the car sir .

+

Jerry : Okay dokey

+

Police officer : Can I have your license and registration please + ?

+

Jerry : Absolutely . Nikki !

+

Nikki : Yes .

+

Jerry : Would you mind bringing the officer the registration ?

+

Nikki : Not at all .

+

Police officer : I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour . +

+

Jerry : You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that + curve because

+

for a while there I was doing well over 100 .

+

Nikki : Officer . Hi . Do you really have to give us a ticket ?

+

Jerry : All right Nik . That's it .

+

Kramer and Jerry at his apartment

+

Kramer : Hey buddy . I am waiting for my shirt .

+

Jerry : You got your shirt in my oven !?!

+

Kramer : I didn't have any quarters for the dryer . Anyway this + is better .

+

And it's more convenient .

+

Jerry : For both of us .

+

Kramer : And I have a lot more control . I have one shirt going + for 10 minutes

+

at 325 degrees .

+

Jerry : What's wrong with your oven ?

+

Kramer : I am baking a pie !

+

Buzz , buzz

+

Jerry : Yeah .

+

George : Yeah .

+

Jerry : Come on up .

+

Kramer : You got cigars , huh .

+

Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more + than I wanted

+

to pay for but what the hell !

+

Kramer : Oh yeah baby . spit , spit . What are these ? " Perducto + de Peru "

+

Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming + .

+

Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought + a house in

+

Peru for $300 bucks !

+

Kramer : You got ripped buddy .

+

Jerry : I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has + some excuse

+

to see Elaine again without asking her out .

+

Kramer : That's a nice name . Todd Gack . Is that Dutch ? ( Dingggggg + )

+

Oh baby . Here we go . Uh momma .(putting his fresh out of the + oven shirt

+

on ) Hey George hey .

+

Kramer leaves

+

George : Well this is bad . I am really in a bad situation now + .

+

Jerry : so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his + calzones ?

+

George : What's he going to do ? That's exactly the point . Nobody + knows what

+

this guy is capable of ! He fires people like it is a bodily function + .

+

Jerry : Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get + Pisano's for

+

you ?

+

George : Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with + him . You know

+

how these interoffice politics work .

+

Jerry : No . I never had a job .

+

Kramer walks in with no pants on

+

Kramer : I decided to go with the brown one 's . (pants)

+

George : What the hell is this ?

+

Jerry : Kramer's cooking up some corduroy .

+

George : There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's + .

+

Kramer : Pisano's . That's the place by the stadium right ?

+

George : Yeah . You've heard of it ?

+

Kramer : Yeah . Newman raves about it . It's on his mail route + . He goes by

+

there everyday .

+

George : I'll see you guys later .

+

Jerry : What kind of pie are you cooking ?

+

Kramer : Huckleberry .

+

George at Newman's apartment

+

Newman : You certainly are in a bind .

+

George : Yeah . And since you go buy there everyday . I was hoping + that we

+

could help each other out .

+

Newman : Oh well . Let me perfectly blunt . I don't care for you + Costanza .

+

You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all + day and just

+

it up wasting your lives .

+ +

George : Are you going to help me or not ?

+

Newman : All right , all right . I'll help you but I will except + something in

+

return .

+

George : What ?

+

Newman : Well for starters I want a calzone of my own .....

+

George : All right .

+

Newman : And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three + times a

+

week I will require a canolie .

+

George : That's a little steep don't you think ?

+

Newman : You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic + . I would hate

+

to see him when he's hungry .

+

George : All right , all right .

+

Newman : Do we have a deal ?

+

George : But I have to have them by one o'clock . He's very regiment + about his

+

meals .

+

Newman : I know exactly how he feels . Pleasure doing business + with you . Do

+

come again . Ha , ha , ha , ha .

+

Todd and Elaine at a restaurant

+

Elaine : This is nice .

+

Todd : Gack . Party of four .

+

Elaine : Party of four ? Who are we meeting ?

+

Todd : Mom ! Dad ! This is Elaine .

+

Mom : Hello .

+

Elaine : Hellllllooooo .

+

End of dinner

+

Mom : Nice meeting you .

+

Todd : Bye mom .

+

Mom : She's wonderful .

+

Elaine : What the hell was that ?

+

Todd : What ?

+

Elaine : Why did you introduce me to your parents ?

+

Todd : There nice people . I thought you would like them .

+

Elaine : Come on Todd . Admit it , this is a date .

+

Todd : Why is this a date ?

+

Elaine : Saturday night with your parents . Unless I'm your sister + this is a

+

date.

+

Todd : Elaine . I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's + parents

+

without classifying it as a date .

+

Elaine : Well if it's not a date then what is it ?

+

Todd : It's a lovely evening together .

+

Elaine : I don't believe this .

+

Todd : Well I am getting a cab want to join me ?

+

Elaine : No . I'll just walk home .

+

Todd : Okay goodnight . ( goes to kiss her )

+

Elaine : Now what was that ?

+

George at Newman's apartment

+

Knock , knock

+

Newman : Hello . What 's this ?

+

George : Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week + .... Um

+

shouldn't you be at work by now ?

+

Newman : Work ? It's raining .

+

George : Soooooo

+

Newman : I called in sick . I don't work in the rain .

+

George : You don't work in the rain ? Your a mailman . " Neither + rain nor sleet

+

nor snow ....." It's the first one .

+

Newman : I was never that big on creeds .

+

George : You were supposed to deliver my calzones . We had a deal + !

+

Newman : I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail + route .

+

Well today I won't be going on my mail route ! Will I . Perhaps + tomorrow .

+

George : But I'm paying you !

+

Newman : Yes thank you . ( slams door )

+

George : Newman !!

+

Nikki and Jerry at his apartment

+

Nikki : Peru ? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba ?

+

Jerry : I did .

+

Nikki : Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay + him ?

+

Jerry : Well what could I do ? Unless you pay him a visit .

+

Nikki : Okay .

+

George at Kramer's apartment

+

Knock , knock

+

George : Kramer !

+

Kramer : Hey you !

+

George : Look I need you to do me a favor . I need you to get me + lunch at

+

Pisano's .

+

Kramer : What happened to Newman ?

+

George : He called in sick .

+

Kramer : Oh yeah right it's raining .

+

George : Can you do it ?

+

Kramer : What time do you need it at ?

+

George : 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money ?

+

Kramer : No . I got eight tons of change . I'm loaded .

+

Kramer on street

+

Kramer : Hey hold that bus !

+

Kramer at Pisano's

+

Kramer : Hey . It's really wet out there .

+

Worker : What can I get you ?

+

Kramer : I here you make a pretty mean calzone .

+

Worker : Calzone !

+

Kramer : Yeah calzone .

+

Worker : The best !

+

Kramer : All right . Lay them on me . I'll take three .

+

Worker : Three calzones .

+

Kramer : Hey . That's a big oven . Huh . Listen . I was wondering + if you could

+

do me a favor .

+

Elaine goes to the coffee shop

+

Elaine : Hey Todd .

+

Todd : Hi . You know Nikki .

+

Elaine Yeah sure .

+

Nikki : Wait . Elaine will settle this . What's the "M" + stand for in Richard

+

M. Nixon ?

+

Elaine : Milhouse .

+

Nikki : I told you so . He said it was Moe . You owe me a dinner + .

+

Kramer at Pisano's

+

Worker : Your order is ready . Three calzones and one shirt and + jacket .

+

Kramer : Oh . This is all burned up . Look at this .

+

Worker : What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt ? What the + hell is

+

this? Your paying in pennies ?

+

Kramer : That's all I got .

+

Worker : No . You have to have bills . Paper money . You can't + pay with this.

+

Kramer : I told you this is all I got .

+

Worker : Then no calzones .

+

Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian +

+

George's office at Yankee Stadium

+

George : What happened ? Where have you been ?

+

Kramer : The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay + in change .

+

George : What the hell happened to your shirt ?

+

Kramer : He overcooked it . It's ruined .

+

George : Your clothes smell just like Pisano's . There's another + Italian place

+

on Jerome . Maybe I can fool him .

+

Mr. Steinbrenner at his office

+

Mr. Steinbrenner on phone : That's right . Do you want to say it + again . I'll

+

say it again . I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I + don't care

+

that you don't believe me or not . And how's this . Your fired + . Okay your not

+

.I am just a little hungry . Where's Costanza with my calzone . + It's 1:15 .

+

He's late . That smell . I have to call you back . Costanza . He's + in the

+

building . Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office + . Costanza

+

! I'll get you .

+

Jerry and Elaine at apartment

+

Jerry : Stupid cigars . You know if I didn't send Nikki over to + talk to him

+

they wouldn't be together .

+

Elaine : These are terrible .

+

Jerry : It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone .

+

Elaine : What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway .

+

Jerry : I think it's Dutch . I got to get going .

+

Elaine : Where are you going ?

+

Jerry : I ... uh ....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her + .

+

Elaine : But she broke up with you .

+

Jerry : I know , I know . But some how she explained it to me and + I couldn't

+

say no .

+

Elaine : It smells like a rubber fire .

+

Jerry :What's that ?

+

Elaine : I said rubber fire .

+

Jerry : Oh .

+

Elaine : Did you ever pay Todd for these things ?

+

Jerry : Actually it's being taken care of right now .

+

Kramer at Todd's apartment

+

Knock , knock

+

Kramer : You Gack ?

+

Todd : Yeah .

+

Kramer : Here's your money .

+

Kramer throws a bag full of change at him

+

Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : George . Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's + ?

+

George : Because they were heated up there .

+

Mr. Steinbrenner : Heating up your clothes ? That's not a bad idea + .

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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The Cartoon

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+

transcribed by Mohamel, Feb. 2000

+

 

+

Jerry Seinfeld: himself

+

George Costanza: Jason Alexander

+

Kramer: Michael Richards

+

Elaine Benes: Julia Louis Dreyfus

+

Peterman: John O'Hurley

+

sally Weaver: Kathy Griffin

+

Newman: Wayne Knight

+

Janet: Tracy Nelson

+

Mr Elinoff: Paul Benedict

+

Dugan: Joe Urla

+

written by: Bruce Eric Kaplan

+

directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

================================================================

+

Some street , Jerry and Kramer walking

+

Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?

+

Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation + . No one can keep track of all those kids

+

with the little orange boxes of change.

+

Jerry: Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.

+

 

+

We see Sally from a distance.

+

 

+

Kramer: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?

+

Jerry: No , It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to + New York a few years ago . she's trying

+

to become an actress.

+

Kramer: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!

+

Jerry: Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some + bad play in tiny room without ventilation.

+

It's really depressing.

+

Kramer: Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.

+

Jerry: She should just give up.

+

She recognizes them.

+

Jerry: Heeyyy!...

+

Sally: Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back + from (?) Whoooooooo.....I'm on my

+

way to an audition

+

still waiting for that big break.

+

Kramer: Why don't you just give up?

+

Jerry: Kramer!!!

+

Kramer: At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't + happen it's not gonna happen.

+

All right , we go grab some bouffe . Join us?

+

Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless

+

Jerry: So......Susan's dead.....

+

 

+

At Monks

+

Kramer: I think she was happy someone finally said it.

+

Jerry: Why'd you have to say anything to her?

+

Kramer: 'felt that the conversation was lagging.

+

Jerry: Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?

+

Kramer: I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not + gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your

+

place.

+

Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.

+

Elaine: You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just + give up . I have.

+

Jerry: What did you wanna be?

+

Elaine: I don't remember , but it certainly wasn't this. Look at + this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get

+

this.

+

Jerry: I don't either.

+

Elaine: And you're on the fringe of the humor business.

+

George comes in

+

George: Hey!

+

Elaine: Hey! George look at this.

+

George: That's cute.

+

Elaine: You got it?

+

George: No , never mind.

+

Elaine: Come on , We're two intelligent people here. We can figure + this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in

+

an office.

+

Jerry: It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets + working there.

+

Elaine: The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail".

+

George: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner + .

+

Elaine: It's a page number.

+

George: Well , I can't crack this one.

+

Elaine: Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.

+

George: try shaking it...(long pause) Well ,Janet should be here + any minute.

+

Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?

+

George: Aah! the minute I saw this girl , we just clicked. She's + got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her

+

mouth, nose

+

Elaine: We know what a face consists of.

+

Janet arrives

+

Janet; I'm sorry I'm late.

+

George; Jerry , Elaine, I give you.. Janet.

+

Janet: Nice to meet you.

+

Elaine: Hi!

+

Janet; Do we still have time to make the movie?

+

George; Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get + some candy.

+

George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl ,they + leave.

+

Elaine: Jerry , She looks exactly like you.

+

Jerry: She does not.

+

Elaine: Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.

+

To Jerry's place , Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.

+

Jerry: Hey! Kramer.

+

Kramer: hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, + Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call.

+

and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot , she's quitting + the business, you ruined her life.

+

Jerry: What! You're the one who ruined her life.

+

Kramer: Well that's not how she remembers it.

+

Jerry: Well , I got to talk her out of this.

+

Kramer; I thought you said she stinks

+

Jerry: She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it + to be because of me. It should be the

+

traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's + spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

+

Door buzzer rings

+

Jerry: Yeah...

+

George: Hey! George and Janet.

+

Kramer: Aahh...Who's Janet?

+

Jerry: George's girlfriend , Elaine thinks she looks like me but + I think it's as you would say ,kookie talk.

+

Kramer; You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena + Horne.

+

All: Hey, Hey!

+

Kramer: And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see + this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!!

+

this is eerie.

+

George: Kramer , what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look + anything like Jerry

+

Janet: well maybe we do look a little like each other.

+

George: No..hummm , What do you know about what you look like.

+

Kramer: C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't + mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.

+

George; (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.

+

Janet: We just got here George

+

George: Well,,, it's getting dark.

+

They leave.

+

Kramer: yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.

+

Jerry slaps him in the back.

+

Jerry: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a + man and George doesn't want to hear his

+

girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I

+

Kramer: Well how should I have "broached the subject"

+

Jerry: You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut.

+

Kramer: Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.

+

Jerry: Yeah! Because of you.

+

Kramer: Well, I think one of us should leave.

+

They stare at each other for a while, then the scene cuts to Monks.

+

 

+

Jerry: Sally ,you can't quit the business. This is all because + of me.

+

Sally: (nods) Hehumm!!

+

Jerry: You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink?

+

When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink , You suck. We like + magic.

+

Sally: Really?

+

Jerry: Of course , I stink , you stink. It's show bizz. everybody + stinks..

+

Sally: Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties.

+

Jerry: All right , I think we've covered my act. Now you get out + there and stink it up with

+

everybody else.

+

Sally: Right! , Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat + her food)

+

Jerry: NOW!!!!.... ( she leaves in a hurry)

+

Back to Jerry's place , evening.

+

Elaine: Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this + cartoon. I mean I don't understand why

+

no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

+

Jerry: Oh! I think we're at the bottom.

+

Elaine: (to George who just came in) Hey! George , Janet looks + very nice and she's quite a handsome

+

woman.

+

George: What does that mean?

+

Jerry: Yeah. What does that mean?

+

George: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?

+ +

Elaine: Enjoy. ( she leaves)

+

Jerry; Elaine huh?.. She's completely..

+

George: Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..

+

Jerry: No....

+

George: Why would I...

+

Jerry; It's ludicrous..

+

George: Yes.

+

Jerry: For either one of us..

+

George: No...

+

Jerry; So...

+

George: Exactly.

+

Jerry: I'm not gay.

+

George: ...neither am I.

+

Both: Kramer, Kramer , get in here.

+

George: Where's the crazy man , Come on up.

+

Jerry: Come on in here.

+

AS Kramer steps out and comes in

+

George: Haaaaaa!!!

+

Jerry: What's happening? What, you doing , come and talk to us.

+

Kramer: I've made an important life decision.

+

Jerry: Lets talk about that.

+

George: Don't leave (George slams the door)

+

Kramer: Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; + First with that girl whose life

+

you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry

+

George: What's the decision?

+

Kramer: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's + exactly what I'm going to do.

+

I'm never gonna talk again.

+

Jerry: Yeah right.

+

Kramer: What do I need to talk for.. ha! , For to blab to the neighbors + about George has a new fem-Jerry

+

friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all + mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of

+

some girl and his best friend.

+

See now , I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.

+

George: Silence YES!!

+

Jerry; Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.

+

Kramer: Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. + Here watch.

+

Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What + are you talking about, twice and then some crying)

+

Jerry: Well what does this mean?

+

Kramer: Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's + man love towards she-Jerry.

+

George: (frantic by now) SHUT UP ,SHUT UP , SHUT UP,...(then leaves)

+

Kramer: That's the idea.

+

Jerry: Kramer there's no way you stick to this.

+

Kramer: (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!

+

Jerry: Oh! you just startin' now?

+

Kramer; that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.

+

Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table

+

Kramer Ouch!!..........Now!!

+

Next day at the New Yorker

+

Mr. Elinoff: So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists + to illustrate your catalog?

+

Elaine: Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a + little funnier ,people

+

won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. + I..I really do....Well I love this one

+

Elaine shows him the cartoon

+

Mr. Elinoff: Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office + politics don't you think.

+

Elaine: Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that + the animals enjoy reading the email?

+

Mr. Elinoff: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one + doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..

+

Elaine; Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. + Why this is suppose to be funny?

+

Mr. Elinoff: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. + (slides the magazine to her)

+

Elaine: But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back + to him)

+

Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.

+

Elaine: No it isn't.

+

Mr. Elinoff: Pun?

+

Elaine: I don,t think so.

+

Mr Elinoff: Vorshtein?

+

Elaine: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means + do you?

+

Mr Elinoff: No.

+

Elaine: Then why did you print it.

+

Mr. Elinoff: I liked the kitty.

+

Elaine: (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of + yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears

+

at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're + doing comedy.

+

Mr. Elinoff: Actually that's not bad..

+

Elaine: Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others

+

 

+

Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre

+

Jerry; Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman + show?

+

Sally: No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... + You know what? You really inspired me ,oKay , a tear.

+

Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts

+

Jerry: Ah! There you are.( Kramer motions silence)

+

Jerry; Aw.. right , code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...

+

Applause, Sally starts her show

+

Sally: Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos + it' about me...All right it's not just about me

+

It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; + The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this

+

Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally , You stink + , You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing

+

Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns , a tail and hooks + instead of feet. ( big laughs from the

+

audience and Kramer is cracking up)

+

Jerry: ( to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!

+

Next day at Jerry's

+

Elaine: She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got + to go see this thing.

+

Jerry: Good luck , It's sold out for the next three weeks.

+

Elaine: Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The + New Yorker.

+

Jerry: The New Yorker?

+

Elaine: Yes , The New Yorker , I've met with their cartoon editor + and I got him to admit that that cartoon

+

...MADE NO SENSE....

+

Jerry: Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew

+

Elaine: Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great + gossip about James Thurber.

+

Jerry: Nodding off...

+

Elaine: ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.

+

Jerry: Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw.

+

Elaine: I do to.

+

Jerry: What , your sad little horsies , the house with the little + curl of smoke , the sunflower with the smiley

+

face. the transparent cube... ( as she leaves)

+

Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.

+

Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!!!

+

 

+

Back to Monks, same day

+

Sally: Jerry , sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on + my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me?

+

Jerry: No ,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering + if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld

+

is the devil.

+

Sally: Well...That is the title.

+

Jerry: I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I + apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.

+

Sally: You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but + I'll tell you what I'll think...

+

It's all a journey.

+

Jerry: You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)

+

Newman shyly approaches the table

+

Newman: Excuse me Miss Weaver , OH! My god it is you! I.. I've + seen your show six times..

+

Jerry: What a surprise.

+

Newman: Aahh! You're great ,It's great , It's so great to see a + show that's (looks at Jerry) about something.

+

Kramer climbs into a cab

+

Driver: Where to?

+

Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab.

+

Evening at Janet's apt.

+

George: (we hear him think) My friends are idiots , she doesn't + look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody.

+

And so what if does look like Jerry ,what does that mean?. That + I could have everything I have with Jerry

+

but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And + that somehow that would be exactly

+

what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..

+

Sally: You know I really do look like your friend Jerry.

+

George: I know....

+

Back to Jerry's

+

TV announcer: Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight + with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show.

+

Sally: Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee + shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing

+

your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then + he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and

+

he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting , you know, + Hands Across America.

+

Jerry: There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her

+

Sally: ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating...

+

Jerry: Get Out of my House!!.

+

Elaine walks in the door looking terrible

+

Elaine: Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally + came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.

+

Jerry: I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before + I'd go out.

+

Elaine: That is not the point.

+

Jerry: some mouthwash , a hat , something.

+

Elaine: Just read it!

+

Jerry: (glances at it) Pretty good.

+

Elaine: Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer + stays silent).....What?

+

It's funny.

+

Jerry: It's a pig at a complain department.

+

Elaine: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. + See? that's his complaint.

+

Jerry: I get it.

+

Elaine: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.

+

Jerry: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my + receipt my place's a stye.

+

Elaine: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.

+

Jerry: I'm a comedian.

+

Elaine: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's + real.

+

Jerry: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.

+ +

Elaine: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks , The New Yorker. + that's right. They're publishing it in their

+

next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall + and he said you tried to grope Sally

+

Weaver.

+

Jerry: oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.

+

Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet + of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.

+

Elaine: The pig says "my wife is a slut."

+

Jerry: Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally , yeah this is Jerry + ,I just wanted to leave you a message that I

+

caught your little piece on TV and..

+

Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that + Jerry left on her message.

+

Jerry: ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I + am and would appreciate it if you would leave

+

me out of your act all together.

+

Jerry: (from the back of the club , leaving) That's it I'm calling + in the big guns.

+

 

+

Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.

+

Sally: To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. + Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer.

+

Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...( censored beep)...You

+

Jerry: How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable + special . I 've never gotten a

+

cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. + We are incommunicado.

+

( to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.

+

At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her + door.

+

 

+

Elaine: Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny + isn't it? ( Dugan shrugs)

+

Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna + say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.

+

Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.

+

Elaine: Can I fix that after lunch sir?

+

Peterman: Oh! no right away , chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I + wish I was taller (hearty laugh)

+

I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and + he leaves)

+

Elaine: (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is + funny and you want to know why?

+

'Cause I wrote it.

+

Dugan: You shouldn't make fun of pigs. ( he leaves)

+

Peterman (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why + I like this cartoon so much.

+

Elaine: Oh! Do tell sir?

+

Peterman It's a Ziggy!

+

Elaine: A Ziggy?

+

Peterman: That irreverence , that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. + Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and

+

passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine , to my + archives.

+

 

+

In a restaurant later that evening.

+

George: You know , you know what's great about our relationship?...It's + not about looks.

+

Janet: It's not?

+

George; No , Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met + , we had a great conversation.

+

Janet: I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party.

+

George: ....But after that we really talked didn't we?

+

Janet: Well ,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must + have seen me somewhere before.

+

George: Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about + something and fast or I'm in very

+

serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?

+

Janet: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath + smelled like hummus.

+

George: Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it.

+

Janet: I like gum.

+

George: I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind + me of anyone and we love gum.

+

Janet: I have gum in my hair.

+

George: I'm losin' it

+

Back to Monks

+

Sally (joining Kramer)Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy , + mind if I sit. My show is going really well.

+

Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know + what? I got recognized the other day,

+

How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but + it's like Whoa!! take three steps back ,

+

Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without + the fans, know what I mean.

+

But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman , Sally + Weaver the artist , Sally Weaver the person...

+

Kramer: (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm + sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days.

+

Sally: Well , lay it on me string bean.

+

 

+

Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.

+

Janet: Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready + for bed.

+

George: OK Look , the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be + about something else...anything..please.

+

Janet: George.

+

George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and + a jerry like blue shirt.

+

George: Your hair?

+

Janet: Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble + getting it even. So why don't you get undressed

+

George. ( George speeds out the door)

+

George: George is in big trouble....

+

 

+

At Jerry's the next day.

+

Jerry: You ripped off a Ziggy?

+

Elaine: It must've seeped up my subconscious , Puddy has Ziggy + bed sheets....D'you read the comics today?

+

Jerry: I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The + New Yorker is stealing my ideas."

+

ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.

+

Kramer comes in

+

Elaine: Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on ( Kramer turns around + to leave)

+

Jerry: Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this , now she's + got nothing.

+

Sally: (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all + contacts with me.

+

Jerry: That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?

+

Elaine: Why are you yelling at the TV?

+

Sally: ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women + that look just like him.Hello issues..

+

Jerry: Elaine , have you been talking to her?

+

Elaine: Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...

+

Sally: Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure + and begged his

+

neighbor not to tell anyone?

+

Jerry: ( to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??

+

Kramer: ...All right ..Starting now......

+

 

+

Credits

+

Epilogue at Monks

+

Jerry: You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how + short?

+

George: like that ( looking at Jerry)

+

Jerry: You mean like.. ( points to his hair)

+

George; ..That.

+

Jerry: So she..

+

George: Yes..

+

Jerry: And you don't...

+

George: Nooo...

+

Jerry; So...

+

George: Exactly..

+

Jerry: Hmmmm...

+

George: We...must never ever speak of this again..

+

Jerry: No , no......( long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey + uh.. you want to see a movie?

+

George: Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off ( starts + to leave)

+

Jerry: I think that's for the best.

+

 

+

End

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
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+ +
+ Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Sept. 6, 2002.

+

Episode no. 87
+ Original air date: 22 Sept 1994.
+ Written by Larry David & Bill Masters and Bob Shaw
+ Directed by Andy Ackerman.

+

Guest stars:
+ Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt)
+ Gail Strickland (Landis)
+ Marguerite MacIntyre (Karen/Miss Rhode Island)
+ Danny Tartabull (Himself)
+ Buck Showalter (Himself)

+

Jerry's stand-up: Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's + playing the field," "Hoo, he scored," "oh, he didn't + get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She + wanted a diamond." It's always about baseball. Always baseball. As + far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires...I feel if you're on the + field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical + condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to + eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country, I + think we gotta throttle back. Know what I mean? People come home from + these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won - you watched.

+

Opening scene - A locker room at Yankee Stadium. George is helping + Danny Tartabull with his swing.

+

GEORGE: O.K., Danny, take a swing. <Tartabull swings the bat.> + N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.

+

TARTABULL: Really?

+

GEORGE: No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to + hear myself talk. Yes, really!

+

TARTABULL (wiping sweat from his brow): Alright, alright.

+

GEORGE: What are all sweatin' for?

+

TARTABULL: It's hot in this uniform.

+

GEORGE: Hot? <Feels Tartabull's material.> What is this?

+

TARTBULL: What is what?

+

GEORGE: This uniform, what's it made from?

+

TARTBULL: I don't know, cotton?

+

GEORGE: No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. <Tries to look at + the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.> Will + you stop it? <Looks at the tag.> Oh. Of course. Polyester!

+

TARTABULL: So?

+

GEORGE: I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.

+

TARTABULL: Well, this is what they give us.

+

GEORGE: You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?

+

TARTABULL: You really think cotton's better?

+

GEORGE: Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.

+

TARTABULL: Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. <Leaves.>

+

GEORGE: Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands. + <George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something + in his back.>

+

New scene - Jerry and Elaine watching the ball game in the stands.

+

HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs here! Yankee franks!

+

ELAINE: Oh, you want one?

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

ELAINE: I'll get it. <Reaches in her bag for money.>

+

JERRY: That's alright, I got it.

+

ELAINE: Jerry!

+

JERRY: Elaine, stop it.

+

ELAINE: Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got + any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!

+

JERRY: I'm sorry.

+

ANNOUNCER ON P.A. SYSTEM: Your attention please...the New York Yankees + would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North + Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this + weekend in Atlantic City. <The three contestants make their way to + their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.>

+

JERRY (to Elaine): Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.

+

ELAINE: Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. + Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.

+

JERRY: Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?

+

ELAINE: Yeah, she was an editor.

+

JERRY: Right, just like you.

+

ELAINE: Yeah. Can you hold my seat? <Elaine gets up.>

+

CROWD: Hey! Down in front! <Elaine clambers over Jerry and exits.>

+

JERRY (offers a hot dog to Miss Rhode Island): Hot dog?

+

MISS RHODE ISLAND: No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.

+

JERRY: Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any + taller. So you're Miss, uh...

+

MISS RHODE ISLAND: Rhode Island.

+

JERRY: I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. + <Miss Rhode Island laughs.>

+

New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment later that day.

+

GEORGE: Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?

+

JERRY: Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.

+

GEORGE: You're incredible.

+

JERRY: And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and + she's going to be down there for the pageant.

+

GEORGE: What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, + Jerry!

+

JERRY: The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.

+

GEORGE: Chaperone? What, are you kidding?

+

JERRY: No, it's part of the contest rules.

+

GEORGE: What does the chaperone do?

+

JERRY: I don't know, she just sits there.

+

GEORGE: Can she talk?

+

JERRY: I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. <Picks up the phone + and dials.>

+

GEORGE: You're calling her?

+

JERRY: Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen + Hanson?

+

GEORGE: Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?

+

JERRY: Of course, they're polyester.

+

GEORGE: Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those + things get? They should be wearing cotton.

+

JERRY: Why do they wear polyester?

+

GEORGE: I don't know. That's all gonna change.

+

JERRY: You're going to do something about it?

+

GEORGE: Why shouldn't I?

+

JERRY (doubtfully): No reason...

+

New scene - Elaine at her job interview at Doubleday with Mrs. Landis.

+

LANDIS: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be + some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such...grace.

+

ELAINE (gushing): Yes! Grace!

+

LANDIS: Not many people have grace.

+

ELAINE: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have + a little grace...not as much as Jackie -

+

LANDIS: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, + or you...don't.

+

ELAINE: O.K., fine, I have...no grace.

+

LANDIS: And you can't acquire grace.

+

ELAINE: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.

+

LANDIS: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.

+

ELAINE (fed up): Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't + want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?

+

LANDIS: Thank you for coming in.

+

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, right.

+

LANDIS: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.

+

ELAINE (stands up): I have no chance, do I?

+

LANDIS: No. <They shake hands.>

+

LANDIS'S INTERCOM: Justin Pitt to see you.

+

ELAINE: Justin Pitt?

+

LANDIS: He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.

+

ELAINE: "Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.

+

LANDIS: Excuse me?

+

ELAINE: Nothing. <Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.>

+

PITT: Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine, + it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department + or not.

+

LANDIS: Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes. <Elaine turns around. With + sunglasses and a scarf on her head, she bears a close resemblance to Jackie + O.>

+

PITT (clearly affected by Elaine's appearance): Charmed.

+

ELAINE: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...

+

Cut back to Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone with Miss Rhode + Island.

+

JERRY: Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. + You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. + They'll slap that "Miss Congeniality" on you, and you'll congene + yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together + later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone + can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're + not going? <Kramer enters.> Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, + what are you doing tonight?

+

KRAMER: Nothin.'

+

JERRY: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna + go?

+

KRAMER: What state?

+

JERRY: Rhode Island.

+

KRAMER: They're never in contention.

+

GEORGE: How do you know?

+

KRAMER: Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six. +

+

JERRY: Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.

+

KRAMER: Giddy-up!

+

JERRY (to Karen): I think I got someone!

+

New scene - Elaine and Mr. Pitt having lunch at the coffee shop.

+

PITT (looking at Elaine and smiling): The resemblance is uncanny. <Elaine, + sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.> + Even the brown eyes.

+

ELAINE: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.

+

PITT: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.

+

ELAINE: Grace?

+

PITT: Grace, yes.

+

ELAINE: You think I have grace?

+

PITT: Some grace, yes.

+

ELAINE: Just some?

+

PITT: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.

+

ELAINE (laughing): Oh, Mr. Pitt.

+

PITT: Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant. + + Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant, but I would need you to start right + away.

+

New scene - George approaches Buck Showalter at Yankee Stadium.

+

GEORGE: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?

+

SHOWALTER: Sure, George.

+

GEORGE: How's everything going? Everything O.K.?

+

SHOWALTER: Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing...

+

GEORGE: Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about + the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of + the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some + of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.

+

SHOWALTER: How so?

+

GEORGE: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not + a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.

+

SHOWALTER: Cotton, huh?

+

GEORGE: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing + games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't + you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're + happier - they're gonna play better.

+

SHOWALTER: You may have something there, George.

+

GEORGE: Oh - I've got something.

+

SHOWALTER (considering): Hmm. Cotton uniforms.

+

New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.

+

JERRY: Congratulations!

+

ELAINE: Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.

+

JERRY: Now, what is it that you do, exactly?

+

ELAINE: I attend to his personal affairs.

+

JERRY: Like what?

+

ELAINE: Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy + him some socks.

+

JERRY: Really! Socks!

+

ELAINE: Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.

+

JERRY: Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! <Kramer enters.>

+

KRAMER (shows Jerry his outfit): So, what do you think? Does this work?

+

JERRY: Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got + something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you + know what I mean.

+

KRAMER: No way!

+

JERRY: What?

+

KRAMER: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing + while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

+

JERRY: I'm not going to "defile" her!

+

KRAMER: That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, + Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's + dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery + of everything the pageant stands for.

+

JERRY: But -

+

KRAMER (holds up his hand): AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.

+

JERRY: But wait a minute...

+

KRAMER: Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun + with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for + something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! <Jerry tries + to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an + inch.>

+

New scene - Jerry and Kramer at the restaurant with Miss Rhode Island.

+

KRAMER: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world + a better place?

+

KAREN: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. + If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed + the whole world!

+

JERRY: That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -

+

KRAMER (to Karen): What advice would you give young people?

+

JERRY: Alright, Kramer!

+

KRAMER: This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these + questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions + of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, + poise counts.

+

KAREN: You really know a lot about this, don't you?

+

KRAMER: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won + easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.

+

KAREN: Well, what could she have done?

+

KRAMER: Tape her breasts together. <Jerry is shocked.>

+

KAREN: What else?

+

KRAMER: Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but + you got a big waist.

+

JERRY: Hey, come on!

+

KAREN: No, no...it's O.K. (To Kramer) Go on.

+

KRAMER: Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher.

+

KAREN: Really.

+

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.

+

JERRY: I'll be right back. <Leaves the table.>

+

KRAMER: So, what's your talent?

+

KAREN: Magic.

+

KRAMER: Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.

+

KAREN: Six.

+

KRAMER: No, five. But you were close.

+

Cut to Jerry on his way past the restaurant bar. He notices the ballgame + on TV.

+

ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!

+

ANNOUNCER #2: Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different + tonight? I can't put my finger on it...

+

ANNOUNCER #1: Well, from what I understand, they've switched to cotton + uniforms.

+

ANNOUNCER #2: They seem blousier, softer...

+

ANNOUNCER #1: Well, it is a natural fibre...

+

<Jerry shakes his head and continues on his way.>

+

New scene - Jerry, Karen and Kramer heading home in the limo. Kramer + is still going on about the pageant.

+

KRAMER: How's your evening?

+

KAREN: Well, I'm wearing this red dress -

+

KRAMER: Stop right there.

+

KAREN: No good?

+

KRAMER: Disaster.

+

KAREN: Why?

+

KRAMER: Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.

+

KAREN: That makes sense. <The limo stops at Karen's hotel.>

+

JERRY: Well, here we are...

+

KAREN: Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the + pageant?

+

KRAMER: Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we + don't play at all.

+

KAREN: I am in your hands. <They shake hands.> Well! Oh, good night, + Jerry. <They're about to kiss, but Kramer stops them by clearing his + throat.> Kenneth will take you home. <She gets out, leaving Jerry + staring at Kramer with an angry expression on his face.>

+

<Scene ends with an exterior shot of the limo going down the street. + We hear Kramer singing the Miss America theme song, and Jerry telling + him to "shut the f*ck up.">

+

Commercial break.

+

New scene - Jerry's apartment the next day. Jerry's packing to go + to Atlantic City. Kramer enters.

+

KRAMER: Hey.

+

JERRY: Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.

+

KRAMER: Oh, come on.

+

JERRY: And that waist cincher, that was the topper!

+

KRAMER: Oh, you're poo-pooing!

+

JERRY: Yes, I poo-poo.

+

KRAMER: Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. + To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!

+

JERRY: I don't want to stop her!

+

KRAMER: You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and + go, but this kid has got something! <Turns to leave.>

+

JERRY: Yeah, so do you. <George enters with a newspaper.>

+

GEORGE: Well, did you see it?

+

JERRY: See what?

+

GEORGE: The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! + (reads from the paper) "Wade Boggs: 'What a fabric! Finally we can + breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed + anything could be so soft and fluffy.' "

+

JERRY: Boy, they really do sound comfortable.

+

GEORGE (noticing Jerry's suitcase): Hey, where ya goin'?

+

JERRY: I'm working in Atlantic City.

+

GEORGE: Really!

+

JERRY: Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come + down?

+

GEORGE: Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. + I'm in. I'm down.

+

JERRY: You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. <Picks + up the phone.> She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...

+

New scene - Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. He's trying on the socks she's brought + him.

+

ELAINE: So, what do you think?

+

PITT (pulling up the socks): No.

+

ELAINE: You don't like them?

+

PITT: No, I don't like them.

+

ELAINE: What's wrong?

+

PITT: They're too tight.

+

ELAINE: Too tight?

+

PITT: There's no elastic, you need to pull too much <pulls them up + more>.

+

ELAINE (examining the socks): I think they look good!

+

PITT: They're cutting off the circulation.

+

ELAINE: Alright, well, I'll just take them back. <The phone rings.>

+

PITT: Hello?

+

JERRY: Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?

+

PITT (hands the phone to Elaine): It's for you.

+

ELAINE: Sorry. Hello?

+

JERRY: Hey Elaine, it's me.

+

ELAINE: Jerry?

+

JERRY: We're going to Atlantic City.

+

ELAINE: Really? When?

+

JERRY: Today, right now! Are you in?

+

ELAINE: One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would + it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?

+

PITT: Tomorrow?

+

ELAINE: Yes.

+

PITT: But I was hoping for my new socks today!

+

ELAINE: Well, it's just one more day.

+

PITT: I'm sorry. I must have them today.

+

ELAINE (to Jerry): I can't go.

+

JERRY: Why not?

+

ELAINE: Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.

+

PITT: Elaine!

+

ELAINE: I gotta go. <Hangs up.>

+

New scene - Kramer and Karen at the hotel in Atlantic City. Karen + is rehearsing her stage-walking with Kramer. She does it once, but Kramer + isn't satisfied.

+

KRAMER: No. Alright, watch me now. <Karen sits on the bed. Kramer + walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile + on his face.> Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see? + Posture.

+

KAREN: Yes, I see. O.K.

+

KRAMER: Let's try a few more questions, alright? <Karen stands up.> + If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, + and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep + with the enemy's leader, what would you do?

+

KAREN: Kramer, are these questions really that important...?

+

KRAMER: Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you + can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a + thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! + + Evening wear! Talent! POISE!

+

New scene - Jerry in he and George's hotel room on the floor above + Karen's. George enters.

+

GEORGE: Hey.

+

JERRY: Hey.

+

GEORGE: How was the show?

+

JERRY: Good. How was the roulette?

+

GEORGE: I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.

+

JERRY: Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!

+

Cut back to Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. There are pairs of socks everywhere. + Pitt has on the latest pair.

+

PITT: It's good, but...

+

ELAINE: But what??

+

PITT: Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up.

+

ELAINE (pulling up Pitt's socks): No, no! They'll stay up!

+

PITT: For a while, yes, but not in the long run.

+

ELAINE: But that's why I got you the tighter ones! <Holds them up.>

+

PITT: Oh, forget about those! <Takes the socks from Elaine and throws + them on the floor.> Why do you keep mentioning those?

+

ELAINE: What do you want!?

+

PITT: I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!

+

<Elaine curls up into a fetal position.>

+

Cut back to Atlantic City, the middle of the night. Jerry and George + are trying to sleep, but a flock of birds outside is keeping them awake.

+

JERRY: What the hell is that?

+

GEORGE: I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!

+

JERRY (getting out of bed): Well, I can't sleep with that noise.

+

GEORGE: Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?

+

JERRY: Wait a second. <Grabs the icebucket off the counter.> This'll + scare 'em off. <Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear + a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. + Jerry gets back into bed.> Well, good night, Ollie.

+

GEORGE: Good night, Stan.

+

New scene - Karen's hotel room the next morning. Upset, she lets Kramer + in.

+

KRAMER: What is it?

+

KAREN: My doves! They're dead! I trained those birds for eight years! + How am I supposed to do my magic act now?

+

KRAMER: How did this happen?

+

KAREN: They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then + I found them dead in a pool of water!

+

KRAMER (goes out on the terrace to look, and slips in the water): Well, + how did this happen?

+

KAREN: It must have been an accident.

+

KRAMER: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.

+

New scene - Jerry watching TV in his room. There's a knock at the + door; Jerry lets Kramer in.

+

KRAMER: Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!

+

JERRY: What? Why? What happened?

+

KRAMER: Her birds are dead.

+

JERRY: Birds?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic + act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? + I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that + contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who + just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! <Kramer + turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.>

+

JERRY: What are you looking at? <Kramer goes out onto the terrace + and looks down.> Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, + because the water was making the room too cold.

+

KRAMER (comes back inside with his finger pointed at Jerry): You killed + them, didn't you?

+

JERRY: No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an + accident!

+

KRAMER: Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is + a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in + our way, you're crazy!

+

JERRY: Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! <Kramer + exits.>

+

GEORGE (comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth): What was that + all about?

+

JERRY: Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's + doves with a bucket of water last night.

+

GEORGE: Oh. <Goes back into the bathroom.>

+

New scene - the night of the Miss America pageant. Kramer and Karen + are backstage. Regis Philbin is about to introduce Miss Rhode Island in + the talent competition.

+

KAREN: O.K., this is it!

+

KRAMER: How ya feelin'?

+

KAREN: I'm a little nervous!

+

KRAMER: There's nothing to be nervous about.

+

KAREN: But I've never sung before in my life!

+

PHILBIN: And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!

+

<Karen walks out on stage and starts singing, badly. Cut to Jerry + and George watching the pageant on TV at the hotel.>

+

JERRY: I heard those doves were really incredible.

+

GEORGE: That's a shame. <Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.>

+

JERRY: It's like watching an animal get tortured.

+

GEORGE: Hey, hey! Yankee game! <Changes the channel.>

+

JERRY: Oh, great! Alright. <We hear the announcers calling the game.>

+

ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!

+

ANNOUNCER #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having + trouble running, they can't move!

+

ANNOUNCER #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! + They're running like penguins! Forget this game!

+

ANNOUNCER #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!

+

JERRY: That's a shame.

+

<Cut back to Karen on-stage at the pageant, still singing horribly. + Kramer is shown in the wings, still trying to coach her.>

+

KRAMER: Poise. Poise!

+

Commercial break.

+

Jerry's stand-up, part 2: The Miss America pageant seems like + a really tough contest. You know, you gotta come out there in the bathing + suit, in the dress shoes...they got that "sanitized for your protection" + toilet seat-thing hangin' off them, you know...plus, they gotta wear all + the other outfits. I don't know why, the bathing suit is the contest. + You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody + looks good in formal wear; it's dark, it covers everything - that's why + we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a + lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past "If anyone sees any + reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About + eighty hands go up...

+

End of episode.

+

Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Sept. 6, 2002.

+ + + + + + + +

 

+ + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheChecks.html b/TheChecks.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..624180a --- /dev/null +++ b/TheChecks.html @@ -0,0 +1,1696 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Checks + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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+

The Checks

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +

Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
+

+ +

8.07 "The Checks"
+
+ Episode Number: 141
+ Original Air Date: November 07, 1996
+
+ Written by: Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill & Max Pross
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ James Patrick Stuart (Brett)
+ Gedde Watanabe (Mr. Oh)
+ Sab Shimono (Executive #1)
+ John Bowman (Teddy)
+ Jock Plotnick (Crew Leader)
+ George Wallace (Doctor)
+ Toshi Toda (Mr. Tanaka)
+ Goh Misawa (Mr. Yamaguchi)
+ Tony V. (Clicky)
+ Akane Nelson (Executive #2)
+ Cherie Hankal (Nurse)
+ Dave Pierce (Carl + Farbman)
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple of carrier + bags
+ she's fussing with the contents of.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs?
+ Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
+
+ ELAINE: Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.
+
+ JERRY: Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get
+ sick?
+
+ Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street.
+
+ ELAINE: What is this, a 'bit'?
+
+ JERRY: No.
+
+ ELAINE: 'Cos I'm not in the mood.
+
+ JERRY: We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? + If
+ you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
+
+ JERRY: They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
+
+ ELAINE: (tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?
+
+ JERRY: (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
+
+ ELAINE: It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, + and
+ hit the word 'good' harder.
+
+ JERRY: (thinking) Great. Thanks.
+
+
+ [Some Fancy Place]
+
+ The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around, chatting + and
+ drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the room, carrying
+ drinks.
+
+ ELAINE: So, your firm designed all the furniture in here?
+
+ BRETT: We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman.
+
+ Elaine and Brett sit on a couch
+
+ ELAINE: (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.
+
+ BRETT: You know Farbman?
+
+ ELAINE: Mm, love Farbman.  
+
+ BRETT: Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.
+
+ ELAINE: Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.
+
+ Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears the music + and
+ is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to everything + but
+ the song.
+
+ ELAINE: Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?
+
+ Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to stare off + into
+ the distance.
+
+ ELAINE: Brett? Don't you think that would be great?
+
+ Brett still doesn't react.
+
+ ELAINE: Brett?
+
+ BRETT: (still staring off) After the song, babe.
+
+ ELAINE: Huh?
+
+ BRETT: The song.
+
+ Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by his
+ sensitivity.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant and + walk
+ along the street.
+
+ JERRY: So when do I meet this jerk?
+
+ ELAINE: He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.
+
+ JERRY: Who?
+
+ ELAINE: (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous,
+ and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
+
+ JERRY: What song?
+
+ ELAINE: Desperado.
+
+ JERRY: Desperado?
+
+ ELAINE: Uh huh.
+
+ JERRY: And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
+
+ Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk, twirling + a
+ brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder.
+
+ JERRY: (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
+
+ ELAINE: Uh huh.
+
+ JERRY: I invented that.
+
+ ELAINE: That, had to be invented?
+
+ JERRY: When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea + to
+ twirl it, to attract customers.
+
+ Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced.
+
+ ELAINE: (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?
+
+ Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy.
+
+ JERRY: Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that + he
+ invented that little twirl you're doing.
+
+ JERRY: Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a + history
+ lesson.
+
+ CLICKY: Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.
+
+ + ELAINE: (looking at Jerry) Ohh.
+
+ JERRY: I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
+
+ CLICKY: Yeah, that's where he come up with it.
+
+ JERRY: In his dreams.
+
+ ELAINE: Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?
+
+ Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows.
+
+ JERRY: (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient + the
+ customers.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits in a chair
+ with a magazine.
+
+ JERRY: It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
+
+ GEORGE: (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway?
+ Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
+
+ JERRY: (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.
+
+ Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the kitchen. + The
+ door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you.
+ Ker-ching.
+
+ JERRY: (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster
+ than I can sign 'em.
+
+ GEORGE: What checks?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.
+
+ JERRY: I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening
+ credits of some Japanese comedy show.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
+
+ JERRY: (opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run + it
+ all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
+
+ GEORGE: Look at all of those! You're rich!
+
+ JERRY: Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain + in
+ my hand to sign 'em.
+
+ Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella. He reaches
+ under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally opens + it.
+ He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
+
+ JERRY: Why?
+
+ KRAMER: (getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's
+ new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. + It's
+ a Farbman.
+
+ George wanders over.
+
+ GEORGE: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
+
+ JERRY: Ah, who are any of her losers?
+
+ GEORGE: (dryly) You're on that list.
+
+ George goes and gets his coat.
+
+ GEORGE: Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet
+ cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
+
+ EGO: Yeah, you heard of 'em?
+
+ KRAMER: They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a + means
+ for them to get into your apartment.
+
+ GEORGE: So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless
+ blather.
+
+ JERRY: I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand, as if + it's
+ giving him discomfort.
+
+ JERRY: Signed over a hundred checks this morning.
+
+ KRAMER: Hello, twelve dollars.
+
+ Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One of them + steps
+ forward, holding out a camera.
+
+ MR OH: Excuse me. Would you take picture please?
+
+ KRAMER: (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.
+
+ Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another umbrella
+ salesman, twirling his wares.
+
+ JERRY: I'm gonna ask this guy something.
+
+ Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture of + the
+ three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them all, and
+ stumbles off the curb.
+
+ JERRY: (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented
+ that, don't you?
+
+ Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks over + toward
+ Jerry, and thinks for a second.
+
+ KRAMER: (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.
+
+ MR YAMAGUCHI: Hai.
+
+ MR OH: Yes.
+
+ KRAMER: (points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?
+
+ Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the twirl to + the
+ guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and arm waving.
+
+ KRAMER: That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the + Super
+ Terrific Happy Hour.
+
+ MR OH: Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...
+
+ The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese.
+
+ KRAMER: Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
+
+ Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still talking
+ vigorously to the umbrella guy.
+
+ MR OH: What is he doing?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.
+
+ MR OH: He's funny.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his
+ antics.
+
+ Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed + guy
+ watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here + in
+ America.
+
+ Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living room. Two + of
+ them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave, The third, + the
+ leader, has a notebook.
+
+ CREW LEADER: (calling to George) We're pretty much finished.
+
+ George enters from another room.
+
+ CREW LEADER: There's just one more thing.
+
+ GEORGE: (smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
+
+ The leader opens his book and holds up a check.
+
+ CREW LEADER: (clears throat) You forgot to sign your check.
+
+ The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his signature.
+ +
+ GEORGE: (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything
+ else?
+
+ CREW LEADER: (flat) No.
+
+ The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader toward the
+ door, looking disappointed.
+
+ GEORGE: (let down) So, that's it?
+
+ CREW LEADER: Unless you need a receipt.
+
+ GEORGE: (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing.
+ I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.
+
+ CREW LEADER: (flat) Good luck with that.
+
+ The leader closes the door on a perplexed George.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his pen awkwardly
+ in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and notices + his
+ hand.
+
+ JERRY: Hey.
+
+ ELAINE: What's with the claw?
+
+ JERRY: Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
+
+ Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters.
+
+ BRETT: (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Hi.
+
+ Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the position + of the
+ fingers in his wave back.
+
+ BRETT: That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, I'm one kind.
+
+ Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge.
+
+ ELAINE: Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?
+
+ JERRY: The Fleckman.
+
+ BRETT: Farbman.
+
+ JERRY: Right.
+
+ ELAINE: You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.
+
+ JERRY: (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
+
+ BRETT: I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.
+
+ JERRY: No. I'm fine, thank you.
+
+ BRETT: Don't worry. It's no charge to you.
+
+ Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk.
+
+ BRETT: Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your
+ skits.
+
+ JERRY: (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
+
+ BRETT: (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have + a
+ proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.
+
+ ELAINE: Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.
+
+ BRETT: (quiet) Oops.
+
+ Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed.
+
+ BRETT: Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we + should
+ get going.
+
+ Brett opens the door.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?
+
+ JERRY: Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?
+
+ BRETT: (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. + You
+ look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
+
+ JERRY: You look like you could use a...
+
+ ELAINE: (warning) Jerry.
+
+
+ [Saks]
+
+ Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer picks up + a
+ Stetson and reads the price tag.
+
+ KRAMER: (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these + run
+ you in Tokyo?
+
+ Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look.
+
+ MR OH: (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen.
+
+ KRAMER: (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.
+
+ Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head.
+
+ KRAMER: Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.
+
+ Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese.
+
+
+ [Brett's Car]
+
+ Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari.
+
+ BRETT: I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave + Kramer
+ that chest of drawers, isn't he?
+
+ ELAINE: Why? Why d'you think he's upset?
+
+ BRETT: How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And
+ outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.
+
+ ELAINE: (romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, + are we?
+
+ BRETT: (smiling) I hope not.
+
+ Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss, the Eagles'
+ Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the kiss, and
+ stares off into the distance again.
+
+ ELAINE: (surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
+
+ Brett makes no response.
+
+ ELAINE: (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?
+
+ BRETT: Elaine, the song.
+
+ ELAINE: (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought
+ it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging + on
+ the fender...
+
+ BRETT: Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?
+
+ ELAINE: (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
+
+ Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee.
+
+ JERRY: No spiel?
+
+ GEORGE: (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. + Call
+ themselves a cult!
+
+ JERRY: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt + to
+ abduct you?
+
+ GEORGE: They could've at least tried!
+
+ JERRY: You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?
+
+ GEORGE: Please.
+
+ JERRY: Too dumb?
+
+ George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new suit. He
+ strolls over to the booth.
+
+ JERRY: (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.
+
+ KRAMER: Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits + beside
+ + Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at + the
+ Rainbow Room.
+
+ JERRY: Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that + sushi
+ you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that + money
+ goes, hmm?
+
+ Jerry looks puzzled.
+
+ KRAMER: That's right.
+
+ GEORGE: How'd you hook up with these guys?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. + See
+ now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.
+
+ JERRY: What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
+
+ KRAMER: (to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.
+
+ GEORGE: (excited) Yeah, the pilot!
+
+ KRAMER: That's right, I think that had marvellous production values.
+
+ GEORGE: (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese + TV.
+ They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in + New
+ York!
+
+ JERRY: Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
+
+ GEORGE: (animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn + on a
+ TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about
+ their dates!
+
+ Jerry looks doubtful.
+
+ KRAMER: George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, + but in
+ Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.
+
+ Jerry looks at George, wondering.
+
+
+ [Japanese TV Office]
+
+ Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives, one male, + one
+ female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry made + at the
+ end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George is smiling
+ and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large bowl
+ containing a plastic bag of oranges.
+
+ TV JERRY: You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could + go
+ out with my butler?!
+
+ TV ELAINE: Well, why do I need your permission?
+
+ TV JERRY: Because he's my butler.
+
+ The first executive stops the tape.
+
+ GEORGE: (eager) So? What d'you think?
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler?
+
+ GEORGE: Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a + car
+ accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge
+ decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: Is this customary in your legal system?
+
+ JERRY: No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you following any of this?
+
+ EXECUTIVE 2: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still trying to figure out + why
+ they gave us a bag of oranges.
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is + very
+ funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America + too
+ long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to + have
+ no oranges.
+
+ Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers are still
+ twisted from the check signing.
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with the oranges
+
+ There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops it.
+
+ JERRY: (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.
+
+ GEORGE: (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy
+ Hour. (laughs)
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: You must go now.
+
+ Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder and they
+ ruefully begin to depart.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped in his
+ clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during
+ Desperado.
+
+ JERRY: (throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado
+ station?
+
+ ELAINE: He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, + I'm
+ sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.
+
+ JERRY: You know, what you need is a song you can share.
+
+ ELAINE: Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.
+
+ JERRY: Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?
+
+ Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something occurs.
+
+ ELAINE: (points) I like Witchy Woman.
+
+ JERRY: Witchy Woman?
+
+ ELAINE: You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.
+
+ JERRY: (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
+
+ The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying another + fat
+ envelope.
+
+ KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey, man.
+
+ ELAINE: Hey.
+
+ Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine walks + to the
+ kitchen.
+
+ JERRY: Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?
+
+ KRAMER: Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight
+ monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
+
+ JERRY: Ah.
+
+ KRAMER: Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
+
+ JERRY: What for?
+
+ Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom.
+
+ KRAMER (O.C.): Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with + me.
+
+ JERRY: I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?
+
+ Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like + you
+ do.
+
+ JERRY: Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even + with
+ fifty thousand yen.
+
+ Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box.
+
+ ELAINE: Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?
+
+ KRAMER: Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest + of
+ drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
+
+ + ELAINE: In them?!
+
+ JERRY: You have them sleeping in drawers?!
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep + in
+ tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
+
+ JERRY: This has 'international incident' written all over it.
+
+ KRAMER: (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest of three
+ drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a foot and + a half
+ deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer.
+
+ KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.
+
+ One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer.
+
+ MR TANAKA: Goodnight.
+
+ Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut. He then + speaks
+ to the occupant of the next drawer.
+
+ KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Oh.
+
+ MR OH: (sits up) Goodnight.
+
+ Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and speaks to + the
+ final drawer's occupant.
+
+ KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.
+
+ MR YAMAGUCHI: (sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight.
+
+ Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches off the + lamp
+ and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter, and a + box of
+ Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into an envelope.
+
+ JERRY: What is this?
+
+ KRAMER: Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well,
+ I'm off to the bank.
+
+ KRAMER: (opening the fridge) Sayonara.
+
+ JERRY: (leaving) Konichi-wa.
+
+ Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast.
+
+
+ [Brett's Car]
+
+ Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing on + the
+ stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head nodding. + Brett
+ looks puzzled.
+
+ BRETT: Elaine, I...
+
+ ELAINE: Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
+
+ Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches off the music.
+
+ ELAINE: What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.
+
+ BRETT: Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.
+
+ BRETT: (flat) No. It's mine.
+
+ There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers out at the
+ weather.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi sits up + in the
+ bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his feet in + his
+ drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to the pair + of
+ them.
+
+ KRAMER: Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
+
+ Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer.
+
+ KRAMER: (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.
+
+ MR OH (O.C.): Ach, come back in half hour.
+
+ Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on top of the + chest
+ and walks off mumbling irritably.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing just a + light
+ jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands. Jerry + spots
+ the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares.
+
+ JERRY: (calls) Hey, I'll take one.
+
+ CLICKY: Well, look who's back!
+
+ Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other way.
+
+ CLICKY: Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl.
+
+ TEDDY: (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!
+
+ JERRY: Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) + What've
+ you got in a push-button mini.
+
+ TEDDY: (bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years + ago.
+
+ JERRY: Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we + had
+ some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?
+
+ TEDDY: (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze + of
+ eighty-four? I almost lost my house.
+
+ A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros. + Clicky
+ tries to catch his attention.
+
+ CLICKY: Umbrella, buddy?
+
+ The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the street.
+
+ CLICKY: Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with.
+
+ TEDDY: (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit + for
+ the twirl.
+
+ JERRY: Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
+
+ TEDDY: (intense) I care. Clicky cares.
+
+ JERRY: So, could I...
+
+ Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption.
+
+ JERRY: Could I just buy an umbrella?
+
+ TEDDY: (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.
+
+ JERRY: (shock) What?!
+
+ TEDDY: (caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend.
+
+ The rain continues to pour down unabated.
+
+
+ [George's Office, Yankee Stadium]
+
+ George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed by the three
+ Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing + down.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to + run
+ the bases.
+
+ GEORGE: (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the + tarp
+ on the field.
+
+ KRAMER: (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys?
+ Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
+
+ George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his hands.
+ +
+ GEORGE: Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.
+
+ KRAMER: (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how + would
+ you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
+
+ The Japanese nod to each other.
+
+ MR OH: But, we are also very hungry.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch + the
+ tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.
+
+ Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves the office
+ and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention.
+
+ KRAMER: (shouts) Hey, peanuts!
+
+ As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door.
+
+ WILHELM: George. (waves George over) George.
+
+ George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm.
+
+ WILHELM: (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?
+
+ GEORGE: Are they here?
+
+ WILHELM: They're in my office, right now.
+
+ GEORGE: (suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?
+
+ WILHELM: About what?
+
+ GEORGE: (to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult + is
+ this?!
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks, and by + now
+ he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with Jerry, + and
+ the window winds down.
+
+ BRETT: (calls over) Hey Jerry!
+
+ Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises Brett.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, hi Brett.
+
+ BRETT: Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?
+
+ JERRY: Ah, I didn't have enough money.
+
+ BRETT: I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
+
+ JERRY: No, it's not that, it's the...
+
+ Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The rain has + soaked
+ them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and become
+ illegible.
+
+ JERRY: Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!
+
+ Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip.
+
+ BRETT: Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?
+
+ JERRY: No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing + and
+ writing.
+
+ BRETT: Nothing's working for you, is is?
+
+ JERRY: (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
+
+ BRETT: I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.
+
+ Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades.
+
+ JERRY: (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
+
+ Jerry walks away
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the apartment, + and
+ more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel.
+
+ ELAINE: Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.
+
+ JERRY: Boogeyman.
+
+ ELAINE: Boogey?
+
+ JERRY: I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?
+
+ ELAINE: No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. + Hey,
+ what d'you think of Oye Como Va?
+
+ JERRY: (negative) Eehh.
+
+ ELAINE: (desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, + Jer!
+
+ Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops onto the
+ couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood.
+
+ JERRY: Hey.
+
+ GEORGE: (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese
+ friends. They loved it!
+
+ JERRY: Really? They bought the butler character?
+
+ GEORGE: (excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great
+ show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
+
+ JERRY: NBC?
+
+ GEORGE: (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.
+
+ Elaine looks heavenwards.
+
+ JERRY: Ah. But they told us we must go now.
+
+ GEORGE: But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, + that
+ love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
+
+ George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever + it
+ is. (vehement) Just take it!
+
+ George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry starts to + close
+ the door, but George turns back.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?
+
+ JERRY: Who?
+
+ GEORGE: The network executive. You think she liked me?
+
+ Jerry swings the door closed in George's face.
+
+
+ [Hallway]
+
+ George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there is no
+ immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting and laughter.
+ He opens the door and goes in.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped to + the
+ waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot George + as he
+ enters and shout greetings.
+
+ KRAMER: Heyy! Look who's here.
+
+ The Japanese whoop and wave at George.
+
+ KRAMER: (beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.
+
+ All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in the tub with
+ them.
+
+ MR OH: Come on in, fat boy!
+
+ George waves away their appeals with a smile.
+
+ GEORGE: Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day
+ tomorrow!
+
+ Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who leaves. + Then
+ they go back to knocking back sake.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out.
+
+ JERRY: (to himself) Last one.
+
+ + Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like hand. + It's
+ clearly painful.
+
+ JERRY: (agonised) Uugh! Ahh.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's waiting + for
+ someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's ear.
+
+ KRAMER: There you are.
+
+ George jumps, surprised by Kramer.
+
+ GEORGE: Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?
+
+ KRAMER: Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.
+
+ Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline tickets.
+
+ KRAMER: I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need + a
+ little food money.
+
+ GEORGE: (horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!
+
+ KRAMER: No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in + that
+ hot-tub.
+
+ A panicky George rushes toward a payphone.
+
+ GEORGE: (frantic) I'm calling Jerry.
+
+
+ [Street/Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. The phone
+ rings and he picks up (with his right).
+
+ JERRY: Yeah?
+
+ GEORGE: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the
+ hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or + I
+ don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
+
+ JERRY: (kidding) Uncle Leo?
+
+ GEORGE: (scream) Jerry!!
+
+ George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts the phone
+ away from his ear at the noise.
+
+ JERRY: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
+
+ Jerry hangs up the phone.
+
+ JERRY: (to himself) Hmm, testy.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers are + shut,
+ and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for help. + Jerry
+ enters and hears the calls.
+
+ JERRY: Hello?
+
+ MR OH (O.C.): Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!
+
+ Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move. He tries + to
+ hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull.
+
+ JERRY: It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped + the
+ wood.
+
+ MR OH (O.C.): Pull harder.
+
+ JERRY: I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.
+
+ MR OH (O.C): Very funny, but no joking, please.
+
+ JERRY: (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.
+
+
+
+ [Hallway]
+
+ Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying an umbrella.
+ Elaine looks dubious.
+
+ ELAINE: Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this.
+
+ BRETT: Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice + as
+ Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.
+
+ ELAINE: Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.
+
+ Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's apartment
+ distracts her.
+
+ JERRY (O.C.): (yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
+
+ Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment.
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry?
+
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine enters followed by Brett.
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry.
+
+ Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large fireman's + axe.
+ He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the wood
+ splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops the umbrella,
+ and rushes forward to protect the furniture.
+
+ BRETT: (shouting) Not the Farbman!!
+
+ Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to her mouth + and
+ screams, horrified at what she sees.
+
+
+ [Japanese TV Office]
+
+ The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors of some
+ horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George perches + on
+ the arm of the couch.
+
+ MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. + He
+ wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe.
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect his friend here is + also
+ unbalanced.
+
+ The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending,
+ George.
+
+ GEORGE: So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
+
+ MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we have a couple of those oranges?
+
+ The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab the fruit.
+
+ MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very hungry and have survived + many
+ hardships.
+
+ Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including the
+ leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands.
+
+ GEORGE: (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet
+ Cleaners?
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry
+ Seinfield.
+
+ Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet
+ cleaners. George looks stunned.
+
+ GEORGE: Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
+
+ WILHELM: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. + And,
+ one day, we will do the cleaning.
+
+ George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.
+
+ GEORGE: (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got + that I
+ don't have?!
+
+ The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'
+
+ GEORGE: (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr
+ Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
+
+ WILHELM: Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.
+
+ George purses his lips.
+
+ EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't + know
+ how the Yankees won the World Series.
+ +
+ The second executive shakes her head.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands beside + him,
+ applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine.
+
+ JERRY: (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to + hit
+ you in the head with.. an axe.
+
+ Elaine gives Jerry a look.
+
+ JERRY: (defensive) At least it was just the handle!
+
+ BRETT: It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell...
+
+ Brett looks concerned.
+
+ BRETT: I can't remember his name!
+
+ JERRY: Fleckman?
+
+ ELAINE: Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. + (holds
+ Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
+
+ ELAINE/JERRY: (singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you,
+ before it's too...'
+
+ Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto the table
+ with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just looks down.
+
+
+ [Insert]
+
+ An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing.
+
+
+ [Emergency Room]
+
+ Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him.
+
+ NURSE: His pulse is fine.
+
+ DOCTOR: Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to
+ relieve the swelling.
+
+ Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets the same + look on
+ his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance.
+
+ NURSE: Doctor?
+
+ The doctor stares away.
+
+ NURSE: (concerned) Doctor?
+
+ The doctor is oblivious to the nurse.
+
+ NURSE: (worried) Doctor?
+
+ There is still no response from the doctor.
+
+ NURSE: (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him!
+
+ As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments + can be
+ heard beeping faster and faster.
+
+ [End]

+


+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site + + + + + + + + + +

 

+ + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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+
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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheCheeverLetters.htm b/TheCheeverLetters.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fecb5a --- /dev/null +++ b/TheCheeverLetters.htm @@ -0,0 +1,896 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Cheever Letters + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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+
+ +
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+ +
+

The Cheever Letters

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ + Written by: Larry David, Elaine Pope, and Tom Leopold

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

Broadcasted: October 28, 1992 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Warren Frost (as Mr. Ross), + Lisa

+

Malkiewicz (as Sandra), and Grace Zabriskie (as Mrs. Ross).

+

 

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)

+

JERRY: She hasn't told her father yet?

+

GEORGE: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.

+

JERRY: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?

+

GEORGE: Susan wants me to be there.

+

JERRY: You're meetin' the father for the first time?

+

GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Yeah.

+

JERRY: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression + on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.

+

GEORGE: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!

+

JERRY: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: + Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban + cigars..

+

GEORGE: Yeah, I know what happened.

+

JERRY: No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer..

+

GEORGE: (Getting frustrated) I know.

+

JERRY: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin + down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) + It's very comical..

+

GEORGE: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a + lot on my mind.

+

JERRY: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's + the day.

+

GEORGE: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how + Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the + worst he could do? So you burn

+

a cabin down..

+

JERRY: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a + cabin.

+

GEORGE: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.

+

JERRY: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could.

+

GEORGE: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? + What, d'ja get, bics?

+

JERRY: What, you got a problem with the pen now?

+

GEORGE: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.

+

JERRY: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the + living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) + NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I,

+

Scene A.

+

GEORGE: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?

+

JERRY: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George + reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.

+

GEORGE: (Offering) Drink?

+

JERRY: No, no thank you.

+

GEORGE: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.

+

JERRY: Act I, Scene A..

+

(A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)

+

GEORGE: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?

+

JERRY: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the + TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine + there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh,

+

yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat + with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) + Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay

+

phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling + out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, + could you just put me through to

+

Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of + ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into + the television. He seems to not

+

even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get + through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, + like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So

+

we're on for later?

+

(Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in + her free hand)

+

ELAINE: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil + thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. + I gotta go. (Hangs up)

+

Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?

+

(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)

+

JERRY: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready + to work)

+

GEORGE: Alright, here we go. You got it?

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

GEORGE: Here we go.

+

JERRY: Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in.

+

GEORGE: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. + Now, what do I say?

+

(A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)

+

ELAINE: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could + you not talk to them for too long?

+

SANDRA: Why? Did Jerry say something?

+

ELAINE: No, no.

+

SANDRA: He must have said something.

+

ELAINE: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.

+

SANDRA: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. + (Exits quickly)

+

ELAINE: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! + I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right + now. It's very hard being a

+

stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!

+

(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. + Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)

+

GEORGE: Alright, let's go.

+

JERRY: Here we go.

+

(Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: Hey.

+

GEORGE: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something + here. We're trying to do a little work..

+

JERRY: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's + with you?

+

KRAMER: (Complaining) No more golf.

+

JERRY: Why?

+

KRAMER: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, + at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every + time I give him a couple

+

of those Cuban cigars?

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

KRAMER: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning + over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can + ask Susan's father for

+

more, huh?

+

GEORGE: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars + after you burned down his cabin!

+

KRAMER: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?

+

GEORGE: Kramer, please.

+

KRAMER: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! + I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass + has big brown patches in it,

+

they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people + you have to play with!

+

GEORGE: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them + some place else.

+

KRAMER: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)

+

GEORGE: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.

+

JERRY: What?!

+

GEORGE: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house + for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want + to leave myself plenty of time.

+

JERRY: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the + script?

+

GEORGE: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Ross' house]

+

(Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)

+

MRS. ROSS: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, + Sarah?

+

MR. ROSS: (Gruff) A slight resemblance.

+

(George laughs slightly)

+

MRS. ROSS: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know.

+

GEORGE: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with + feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling + in virtual anonymity. I mean..

+

(Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)

+

MR. ROSS: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?

+

GEORGE: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' + 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.

+

MR. ROSS: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?

+

GEORGE: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. + (Susan and George both laugh)

+

MR. ROSS: What?

+

SUSAN: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.

+

MR. ROSS: I didn't care much for his jokes.

+

SUSAN: (To George) Daddy never laughs.

+

GEORGE: Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what + is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? + What is that? "Ha, ha!"?

+

MR. ROSS: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.

+

MRS. ROSS: You and your cigars..

+

MR. ROSS: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick.

+

SUSAN: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk + to you about..

+

MR. ROSS: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin?

+

GEORGE: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. + well, (Clears throat)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)

+ +

JERRY: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her + that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm + responsible for this

+

woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!

+

ELAINE: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. + Would you call her?

+

JERRY: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the + phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?

+

ELAINE: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help + you.

+

JERRY: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from + her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry + Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her

+

hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just + want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her + to drop the popcorn, then shoves her

+

hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been + a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was + a real treat talking to you on the phone,

+

and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian + and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was + a real treat talking to her on

+

the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being + sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on + a second. (To Elaine, whispering)

+

Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just + go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on + the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um..

+

yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, + bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Ross' house]

+

(Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be + discussed)

+

GEORGE: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks + of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?

+

SUSAN: Uhh.. about the cabin..

+

MR. ROSS: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built + that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at + the time, and dad thought it would

+

be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there + the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. + His last words to me were, (Mrs.

+

Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million + times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish + the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care

+

of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish + the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. + It's often been a.. sanctuary for me.

+

GEORGE: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress + of solitude.

+

MR. ROSS: What?

+

GEORGE: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude + up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it + all..

+

MR. ROSS: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan)

+

MRS. ROSS: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day.

+

SUSAN: Daddy..

+

MR. ROSS: Yes?

+

SUSAN: Daddy, about the cabin..

+

MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled + wine on me! (Laughs again)

+

MR. ROSS: (To Susan) What about it?

+

SUSAN: Well, the thing is..

+

MR. ROSS: What? What is it?

+

SUSAN: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George?

+

GEORGE: (Extremely blunt) Burned.

+

MR. ROSS: Burned?

+

SUSAN: There was a fire, and it uh..

+

GEORGE: Burned.

+

MR. ROSS: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin + burned?

+

GEORGE: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..

+

MRS. ROSS: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her)

+

MR. ROSS: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! + Did they find anything?

+

SUSAN: (Solemn) No. Nothing.

+

MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her + husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.

+

(Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward + the room's exit as everyone continues to talk)

+

GEORGE: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole + situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's + really rather ironic - one might even

+

say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. + Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say + he hit the bullseye. George calls out

+

to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. + Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)

+

SANDRA: (Offended) I can't believe you said that!

+

JERRY: What?!

+

SANDRA: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like + that to me?!

+

JERRY: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was + just trying to keep up!

+

SANDRA: That was a weird thing to say.

+

JERRY: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join + in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.

+

SANDRA: Ohh, I think you're really sick.

+

JERRY: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) + You - you said much sicker things than me.

+

SANDRA: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path)

+

JERRY: I really think you're making too much of this.

+

SANDRA: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move + to the door)

+

JERRY: Let me walk you to a cab.

+

SANDRA: (Opens the door) That's ok.

+

JERRY: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, + and that'll be the end of it.

+

SANDRA: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)

+

JERRY: (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested + in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really + don't.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(Jerry's telling George about last night)

+

JERRY: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she + starts rubbing my leg.

+

GEORGE: Wo-hoah! What did you do?

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching + your leg?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

+

JERRY: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in + Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off + my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the

+

hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." + But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would + you mind?!"

+

GEORGE: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do + they do that?

+

JERRY: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..

+

GEORGE: Alright, so, go ahead.

+

JERRY: So we go back to my apartment..

+

GEORGE: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!

+

JERRY: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting + a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others + from hearing) and, uh, she starts

+

with the dirty talking.

+

GEORGE: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry + has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, + giddy) What did she say?

+

JERRY: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..

+

GEORGE: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?

+

JERRY: Typical things.

+

GEORGE: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme + some typical.

+

JERRY: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so + shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup + bottle - ketchup squirts out

+

and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)

+

GEORGE: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's + absolutely filthy.

+

JERRY: ..And then she starts talking about her panties.

+

GEORGE: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!

+

JERRY: So I said something.

+

GEORGE: Ok, what did you say?

+

JERRY: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep + up.

+

GEORGE: Of course.

+

JERRY: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I + said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"

+

GEORGE: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry + a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid + out for you"? (Jerry nods) What

+

does that mean?

+

JERRY: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.

+

GEORGE: Well, how did she react?

+

JERRY: She flipped out! Just left.

+

GEORGE: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but + it's not offensive.

+

JERRY: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about + any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. + And she's never let me

+

hear the end of it.

+

GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?

+

JERRY: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her + into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect + money to pay for the check)

+

Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.

+

JERRY: I guess he failed to see the humor in it.

+

GEORGE: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his + arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.

+

JERRY: (Getting up) Alright, big work day.

+

GEORGE: That's right.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down + in the living room while giving each other pep talks)

+

GEORGE: Okay.

+

JERRY: Let's go.

+

GEORGE: Here we are.

+

JERRY: Right now.

+

GEORGE: Let's do it.

+

JERRY: You and me.

+

GEORGE: Okay.

+

JERRY: Alright.

+ +

GEORGE: What'dya got?

+

JERRY: (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi", + and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here..

+

(Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: Oh, hey.

+

(Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting + - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back. + (Turns to leave. Jerry and

+

George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) + No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests)

+

GEORGE: Don't be silly.

+

JERRY: Come in, we're taking a break.

+

KRAMER: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?

+

JERRY: Yeah!

+

KRAMER: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some + more cigars?

+

GEORGE: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that.

+

KRAMER: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have + to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see + you guys. (Leaves, despite

+

"No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and + George)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]

+

(Kramer walks up to a secretary)

+

KRAMER: Buenos dias.

+

SECRETARY: Buenos dias.

+

KRAMER: Uh, habla ingles?

+

SECRETARY: Si.

+

KRAMER: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses + and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to + talk to someone.

+

SECRETARY: What is this about?

+

KRAMER: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely + urgent.

+

SECRETARY: Are you an American?

+

KRAMER: Oh, yeah.

+

SECRETARY: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)

+

KRAMER: Okay.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out + on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up. + George rolls off the couch and falls

+

to the floor)

+

JERRY: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's + get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's + get it together.. (Through

+

intercom) Yeah?

+

ELAINE: It's Elaine.

+

JERRY: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)

+

GEORGE: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we + should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script + for a while..

+

JERRY: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.

+

GEORGE: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment + and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?

+

JERRY: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?

+

GEORGE: No, no, no, no.

+

JERRY: Oh.

+

(Elaine enters)

+

ELAINE: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!

+

JERRY: What?

+

ELAINE: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to + work.

+

JERRY: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think + about it - there's no two ways about it.

+

ELAINE: Why? What happened? Did you talk?

+

JERRY: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! + We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks + that this isn't anybody you should

+

be talking to.

+

ELAINE: Really?

+

JERRY: Yes.

+

ELAINE: Really? You really think I should fire her?

+

JERRY: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy + here working on the script, I'd do it myself.

+

(George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]

+

(A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer)

+

MAN: (To secretary) Expira te afuera.

+

KRAMER: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias.

+

MAN: What is your name, Senor?

+

KRAMER: Uh, Kramer.

+

MAN: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?

+

KRAMER: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.

+

MAN: (Confused) Cigars?

+

KRAMER: (Definite) Cigars.

+

MAN: What about cigars?

+

KRAMER: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) + I saved one of the cigar rings..

+

MAN: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) + You mean - one of these..

+

KRAMER: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. + That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes + of those from you, yeah?

+

MAN: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, + these are illegal in your country.

+

KRAMER: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?

+

(The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches + out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)

+

MAN: I like that jacket..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: The Ross' apartment]

+

(There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and + George)

+

SUSAN: Hi!

+

GEORGE: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)

+

SUSAN: Hey, Jerry.

+

JERRY: Hi.

+

SUSAN: I thought you two guys were working today.

+

JERRY: Ah, just - takin' a little break.

+

GEORGE: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands + them to her)

+

SUSAN: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the + living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading + the paper) This is my brother,

+

Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.

+

GEORGE: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's + your major?

+

RICKY: (Blunt) I don't have one.

+

GEORGE: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky + on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks + critically back at George)

+

SUSAN: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this + is my Aunt, Sara.

+

SARA: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me.

+

MRS. ROSS: Sara, what do you have on your wheels?

+

SARA: Nothing, they're clean.

+

MRS. ROSS: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?

+

RICKY: (Annoyed) Yes.

+

MRS. ROSS: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter + of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When + you come in the house you

+

wipe your wheels.

+

(Doorbell rings)

+

SUSAN: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, + carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.

+

RAYMOND: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this + off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains + of the fire.

+

SUSAN: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, + she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. + (Opens the charred box)

+

Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.

+

GEORGE: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)

+

SUSAN: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.

+

JERRY AND GEORGE: Oh, wow.

+

SUSAN: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads + it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. + orgasm (She now has everyone's

+

attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever + get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is + still concentrating on the notes) I love

+

you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, + and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)

+

(A long pause)

+

GEORGE: Well, we.. we, we, ah..

+

JERRY: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..

+

GEORGE: We really should be, uh, heading out..

+

JERRY: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.

+

GEORGE: You know, the time..

+

(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)

+

MR. ROSS: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away + from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme + that! (Now holding them

+

against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!

+

MRS. ROSS: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!

+

SARA: (Yelling out) I knew it!

+

MRS. ROSS: I want to know who John is!

+

RICKEY: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!

+

MR. ROSS: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person + I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never + understand.. (Slowly

+

walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems + to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George + a signal that they should go)

+

GEORGE: Well, we really should be-

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

GEORGE: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming + attractions.

+

JERRY: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly + exiting) time.

+

GEORGE: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..

+

JERRY: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.

+

GEORGE: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.

+

(Jerry grabs George, leaving)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room, + attempting to write)

+

GEORGE: Alright, here we go.

+

JERRY: Alright, let's go.

+

GEORGE: Come on now.

+

JERRY: Right now.

+

GEORGE: Here we go.

+

JERRY: You and me.

+

GEORGE: You got it.

+

JERRY: No foolin'

+ +

GEORGE: Ok, so, what'dya got?

+

JERRY: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, + you say "Hi", and I say "Hello".

+

GEORGE: Alright, so, we need something..

+

JERRY: Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?"

+

GEORGE: "How's it going?" - beautiful.

+

(They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) + Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..

+

JERRY: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that + line?

+

GEORGE: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"

+

JERRY: Did you write it down?

+

GEORGE: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"

+

JERRY: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)

+

ELAINE: Real good!

+

JERRY: What?!

+

ELAINE: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!

+

JERRY: What?! How?

+

ELAINE: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! + So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!

+

JERRY: What calls?!

+

ELAINE: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've + been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!

+

JERRY: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?

+

ELAINE: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean + "anything else"?

+

JERRY: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about + anything?

+

ELAINE: Yeah!

+

JERRY: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.

+

ELAINE: Why is that beautiful?

+

JERRY: Oh, no, not beautiful.

+

ELAINE: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!

+

JERRY: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.

+

ELAINE: No, no.

+

JERRY: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who + encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-

+

ELAINE: (Giving up too easy) Okay.

+

JERRY: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to + write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell + smoke?

+

(Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed + up in golf wear, smoking cigars)

+

KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. + (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.

+

JERRY: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.

+

KRAMER: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.

+

JERRY: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..

+

KRAMER: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're + going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!

+

(They exit)

+

ELAINE: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are + you reading?

+

GEORGE: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's + really excellent.

+

ELAINE: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?

+

JERRY: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George + shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the + check to Elaine) look, we gotta

+

get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.

+

ELAINE: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.

+

JERRY: (Moving back into the living room) Okay.

+

ELAINE: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just + bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in + his chair) and they're - all laid

+

out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both + look at each other, frozen in their places)

+

 

+

 

+

END OF SHOW.

+

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The Chicken Roaster

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+ + % Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack

+

% George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand

+

George: Why is there no haggling in this country?

+

Jerry: I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife + fight for a

+

citrus drink.

+

George: Not me. Everything should be negotiable.

+

Jerry: Restaurants too?

+

George: Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on + pasta.

+

All starches are a scam.

+

Jerry: Yea especially ziti, with that big hole.

+

[George asks the store worker a question]

+

George: Excuse me, how much is this?

+

Worker: Dollar nineteen.

+

George: I'll give you a quarter.

+

Worker: Get the hell out of here.

+

Jerry: Tell him forty and no fork.

+

George: Thirty.

+

Worker: That's it you leave and never come back!

+

Jerry: How about we leave and come back in a week?

+

Worker: Deal!

+

George: Alright see? We got something there.

+

[Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the + new chicken

+

shack. ( I came in a little late.)]

+

Jerry: Look at the size of that neon light.

+

Kramer: Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken + places on

+

every block.

+

Jerry: He is the gambler.

+

Kramer: Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him + pick out a

+

turtle.

+

Jerry: Try and stay calm.

+

Kramer: Yea, yea.

+

[Exit the K-Man.]

+

[Man on street recognizes Jerry.]

+

Man: Hey Jerry.

+

Jerry: Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?

+

Seth: At least.

+

Jerry: You wanna grab lunch?

+

Seth: Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office.

+

Jerry: Seth it's me. What's more important than catching up with + an old

+

college buddy?

+

Seth: Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting.

+

Jerry: Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we + go to?

+

Seth+Jerry: Alright, alright.

+

Jerry: Whatever happened to Moochie?

+

Seth: He's dead.

+

Jerry: Is that right?

+

[George and Elaine are in a store ]

+

George: I still don't understand how you can call lunch with me + a business

+

expense.

+

Elaine: What do you think of the catalog?

+

George: It stinks.

+

Elaine: There, we just talked business.

+

Worker: We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked. +

+

Elaine: Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other + stuff.

+

Worker: You know what else we have that you might like?

+

Elaine: I'll take it.

+

[George puts on a giant Russian hat]

+

George: Hey, you like?

+

[Elaine laughs]

+

Worker: I think that looks very nice on you.

+

George: Really? Elaine...Peterman account?

+

Elaine: Why not? [To worker] And some hair for my little friend + here.

+

[Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant]

+

Seth: So how's your stand up career?

+

Jerry: Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show + in Japan.

+

Seth: You speak Japanese?

+

Jerry: No

+

Seth: So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.

+

[Jerry thinks for a minute]

+

Jerry: I don't know. So what's this job of yours?

+

Seth: Big investment firm. We just got the Citibank account. In + fact today

+

was our first big meeting with them.

+

Jerry: The meeting you blew off?

+

[Seth laughs]

+

Seth: Yea.

+

Jerry: Wasn't that kind of important?

+

[ Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.]

+

Seth: Yea.

+

[Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone]

+

Elaine: ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a water + pic.

+

Jerry: You use a water pick?

+

Elaine: Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine...

+

Jerry: So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what + two?

+

Elaine: Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another + call.

+

Elaine: Hello?

+

Man: Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch.

+

Elaine: Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting?

+

Roger: Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit + of merchandise

+

on the Peterman account.

+

Elaine: Well, I am the President.

+

Roger: Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less the expense + account

+

is for business purposes only.

+

Elaine: Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they + want?

+

Roger: No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. +

+

Elaine: Good day. [Elaine and Roger hang up, leaving Jerry still + on hold]

+

Jerry: Hello, anybody?

+

[George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.]

+

George: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey, why didn't you get the big one?

+

George: This hat just bottles in the heat, I don't even need a + coat! It's

+

unbelievable!

+

Jerry: I don't believe it.

+

George: And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little + Marisa

+

Tomei thing going on.

+

Jerry: Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going + on.

+

George: I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some + errands to run.

+

Jerry: That's a date?

+

George: What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like + a

+

commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear +

+

it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's +

+

"By Mennen!".

+

Jerry: How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?

+

George: If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind keys, glove, + scarf, I go

+

back to her place to pick it up...date number three.

+

Jerry: That's so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood + horse?

+

[Jerry is at his apartment door]

+

Jerry: "By Mennen"

+

[Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's + peep hole,

+

Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a huge + red light

+

is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar]

+

Jerry: What's going on in there?

+

Kramer: What?

+

Jerry: The light!

+

Kramer: Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, its right across + my window.

+

Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?

+

Kramer: They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth stopped by.

+

Jerry: Yea? What'd he say?

+

Kramer: he was fired.

+

[Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting + guy that

+

all of her expenses are business related]

+

Elaine: Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually + the

+

Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?

+

Roger: Another bulls eye.

+

Elaine: Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses are obviously + for a

+

legitimate business purpose.

+

[ Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.]

+

Roger: I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.

+

Elaine: The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?

+

Roger: Because it costs eight-thousand dollars.

+

Elaine: What?

+

[Hits Roger with water from water pic.]

+

[Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment]

+ +

Jerry: Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you + go the

+

lunch with me?

+

Seth: We're old college buddies.

+

Jerry: I only knew you through Moochie.

+

Seth: Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the important thing is that + we got to

+

catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?

+

Jerry: Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet.

+

[Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. ]

+

Jerry: How's life on the red planet?

+

Kramer: Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see + is that

+

giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.

+

Jerry: Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?

+

Kramer: Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't think that Kenny + Rogers has

+

any idea what's going on down there.

+

[Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes + the tomato

+

juice from the fridge.]

+

Jerry: What are you doing?

+

Kramer: Getting some cereal

+

Jerry: That's tomato juice.

+

[Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!]

+

[Spits out cereal]

+

Kramer: That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are + all screwed

+

up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry.

+

[Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...]

+

Jerry: I don't know Kramer, my only concern is that ....

+

[Cleans it with a dish rag....]

+

Jerry: ..living together after a while we might start to get on + each others

+

nerves a little.

+

[Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back + in fridge]

+

Kramer: Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. You're a heavy + sleeper,

+

right? Why don't we switch apartments?

+

Jerry: Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls + down, make

+

it an eight room luxury suite.

+

Kramer: Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're not gonna come + down!

+

Jerry: Yea, that's no good.

+

Kramer: I may have to drive that place out of business.

+

Jerry: How you gonna do that?

+

Kramer: Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.

+

[Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light ]

+

[George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.]

+

Woman: Thanks George, but I got it from here.

+

George: Oh no I'm in already come on.

+

[George puts down the bags he came in with]

+

George: So you want to get together tomorrow?

+

Woman: No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

+

George: What about this weekend?

+

Woman: I'm gonna be busy for a while.

+

[George throws his keys on the table]

+

George: OK, see ya!

+

Woman: Hey, you forgot your keys.

+

George: What, those aren't my keys.

+

Woman: Well they're not mine.

+

George: Oh, they are my keys, how weird.

+

Woman: Bye George.

+

George: Yea.

+

Woman: George, bye!

+

[George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. ]

+

George: Costanza. [Like "By Mennen"]

+

[George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking at + a bunch of

+

fake butterflies on the wall(?) ]

+

Elaine: What do you mean you don't have the hat?

+

George: I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?

+

Elaine: No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!

+

George: Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat + back, I will

+

get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic.

+

[George tries to dial but gets a busy tone] Elaine: Dial 9- MERLIN. +

+

[George dials again and Heather picks up the phone]

+

Heather: Hello?

+

George: Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.

+

Heather: Oy!

+

George: Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother you but, silly me, + I think I may

+

have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come + by

+

later and pick it up.

+

Heather: You didn't' leave a hat here.

+

George: I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair + ...

+

accidentally.

+

Heather: No hat. George I gotta go.

+

George: You know maybe ... I'll ...

+

[Heather hangs up]

+

[Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage + for Kenny

+

Roger's Chick shack]

+

Jerry: Seth?

+

Seth: Jerry Hi! What do you think?

+

Jerry: I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, + but that

+

couldn't be.

+

Seth: Yea, I'm the new manager

+

Jerry: But your were an executive, this is fast food.

+

Seth: Not fast food, good food served quickly.

+

[Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN"]

+

Kramer: Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you + up.

+

Seth: That's not going to be good for business.

+

Jerry: That's not going to be good for anybody.

+

[Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. ]

+

Jerry: If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this + stuff out.

+

I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its gonna +

+

come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.

+

[Jerry holds up a doll]

+

Kramer: Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

+

Jerry: And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...

+

[Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes + Newman from

+

the bathroom]

+

Jerry: Oh no.

+

Newman: Nice place you got here Kramer a man can really get some +

+

thinking done.

+

Jerry: Well don't get too comfortable, as soon as Seth gets a real + job you two

+

are gong back in that chicken supernova.

+

[Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment. + Newman starts

+

eating chicken]

+

Kramer: What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.

+

Newman: I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.

+

Kramer: Well I'm boycotting it.

+

[Kramer looks at the chicken.]

+

Kramer: What is that, hickory?

+

Newman: Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.

+

Kramer: Really?

+

Newman: Uh-Huh.

+

[Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,]

+

Kramer: Oh stop it.

+

[Kramer looks like he loves it]

+

[Knock on Heather's door.]

+

Heather: Can I help you?

+

[Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by + pulling his

+

ear]

+

Elaine: Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's, I'm a friend + of George

+

Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this

+

pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel + a

+

second date.

+

Heather: Really?

+

Elaine: I know, he has a real confidence problem.

+

George: Well not really...

+

Elaine: George...Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the + hat because

+

you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could + not

+

be. But I really do need to have that hat back.

+

Heather: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat + here. I mean,

+

maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...

+

George: Well that makes sense.

+

Elaine: Then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?

+

Heather: Be my guest.

+

[George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine]

+

George: Good to see you again.

+

[George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.]

+

George: She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere. +

+

Elaine: This is an absolute disaster.

+

George: Oh, I don't know. Check this out.

+

[George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. ] +

+

Elaine: You stole her clock?

+

[George smiles]

+

Elaine: Well done.

+

George: Yep, this one for our side!

+

[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny + Roger's

+

Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so + found

+

another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.]

+

[Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).] +

+

Jerry (Thinking): What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold + of a ship.

+

Gotta relax.

+

[sound of a door opening]

+

Jerry (Thinking): Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?

+

[Morning at Jerry apartment]

+

Elaine: So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon, + what am I

+

gonna do?

+

Kramer: You should sleep with him.

+ +

[Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's + slide]

+

Jerry: Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know + what it's

+

like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking. + And

+

that red light is burning my brain!

+

Elaine: You look a little stressed.

+

Jerry: Oh I'm stressed!

+

Elaine: So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that + fur hat by

+

four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.

+

Jerry: You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

+

Elaine: I thought he was Kramer's friend.

+

Jerry: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. we got to talking, + he sells

+

Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.

+

Elaine: fourty bucks? Are they Sable?

+

Jerry: No, but the difference is unnoticeable.

+

Kramer: Oh yea, I like this idea.

+

Elaine: Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.

+

Jerry: Giddee up!

+

[Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding in + the

+

bathroom.]

+

Newman: It's getting cold, it's getting cold.

+

Kramer: That was a close one.

+

Newman: Why do we have to keep this a secret from Jerry?

+

Kramer: If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back + there with

+

the red menace.

+

[Back to Elaine's office]

+

Ipswitch: Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, + this is

+

Neutria.

+

Elaine: Well, that's a kind of sable.

+

Ipswitch: No, its a kind of rat.

+

Elaine: That's a rat hat?

+

Ipswitch: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have + no choice

+

but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors

+

nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you + this

+

time.

+

Elaine: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.

+

Ipswitch: Yes, and quite mad from what I hear.

+

Elaine: Wait? Can I fire you?

+

Ipswitch: No.

+

[Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together]

+

Kramer: So Heather called?

+

George: Yea, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have + the time'.

+

Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?

+

Kramer: No, but this is all very exciting.

+

George: She knows that I have her clock, I know that she has my + hat, I think

+

she's getting ready to make an exchange.

+

Kramer: Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right + out of your

+

mind.

+

George: I've looked at that, seems unlikely.

+

Kramer: I'd look again. So, how come you didn't call Jerry about + all this?

+

George: I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even since he moved into + that

+

apartment he's too much ... like you.

+

Kramer: That's a shame.

+

[Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand]

+

Jerry: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign?

+

Seth: Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant manager.

+

Seth (On loud speaker): Number sixty seven, family feast.

+

Newman: Number 67, right here, right here!

+

Jerry: Hello Newman.

+

Newman: Hello Jerry.

+

Seth: And don't forget your steamed broccoli.

+

Jerry: Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep + fried in

+

chocolate sauce.

+

Newman: I love broccoli, its good for you.

+

Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

+

[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]

+

Newman: Gladly.

+

[Newman spits it out]

+

Newman: Vile weed!

+

Jerry: It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob the constant + licking of

+

the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?

+

Newman: Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.

+

[Newman drinks mustard like Henningins ]

+

[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry + comes in.]

+

Kramer: Newman, what took you so long, oh hey buddy.

+

Jerry: Expecting Newman? That's funny because I happened to find + him at

+

Kenny Roger's Roasters.

+

Kramer: Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.

+

Jerry: He was buying quite a load of chicken almost for two people, + as long

+

as one of them is not him.

+

Kramer: Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped off that Bob Sacamano + hat, oh

+

she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping + by.

+

Jerry: I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll switch back.

+

Kramer: Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise + I'd have no

+

choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right + out

+

of town.

+

Jerry: I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you + the trouble,

+

I'll do it myself.

+

Kramer: Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up doesn't matter to me. +

+

Jerry: Alright.

+

Kramer: No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, + you leave

+

those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.

+

Jerry: You got a little problem.

+

Kramer: Oh I got a big problem Jerry!

+

[Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is brought + in and

+

told to sit. ]

+

Peterman: Elaine.

+

Elaine: Mr. Peterman.

+

[A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds + him in another

+

language ]

+

Elaine: You speak Burmese?

+

Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble + finding

+

the place?

+

Elaine: No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood.

+

Peterman: Are you an assassin?

+

Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.

+

Peterman: You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect + a bill.

+

Elaine: Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just + sign this

+

expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here. +

+

Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will have to see this + hat.

+

[George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding + a bag.]

+

George: So how do you want to do this?

+

Heather: Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went + out, I found

+

you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times, + you

+

sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza!

+

[Costanza like "By Mennen"]

+

George: So you really don't have my hat?

+

Heather: What?

+

[George moves his bag]

+

George: Oh. let's go do something.

+

Heather: What's in bag?

+

George: That's a sandwich.

+

[Clock starts ringing]

+

George: Damn salami.

+

Heather: My clock, you stole it!

+

George: That damn deli that is last time they screw up one of my + orders.

+

[Starts raining ]

+

[Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which + he was

+

wearing) wet (or course)]

+

Jerry: Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard out there.

+

[As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the + wetness,

+

the hat falls apart into everyone's plate]

+

Jerry: Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.

+

Seth: That's not gonna be good for anybody.

+

[Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken + light goes

+

out]

+

Kramer: Kenny? ... Kenny?

+

[Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny" + ]

+

Kramer: Kenny....

+

[Jerry is in bed at his own apartment]

+

Jerry: Home at last.

+

[Creek!]

+

Jerry: Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?

+

[Elaine with Peterman in the jungle]

+

Elaine: Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in the last catalog.

+

Peterman: The horror...the horror.

+

[End Episode!]

+

 

+

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The Chinese Restaurant

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+ + [Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Written by: Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Episode no. 16

+

pc: 206, season 2, episode 6

+

Broadcast date: 23 May 1991

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

The Cast

+

Regulars:

+

Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld

+

Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza

+

Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes

+

Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

+

Guest Stars:

+

James Hong....................... Bruce

+

David Tress...................... Mr. Cohen

+

Judy Kain........................ Lorraine

+

Kate Benton...................... Woman on Phone

+

Michael Mitz..................... Man on Phone

+

Kendall McCarthy................. Man

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

(opening monologue; first sentence kinda blurry)

+

Jerry: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time + on the call,

+

hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. + It's the

+

phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And + you got them

+

right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're + on the

+

street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few + times, you

+

know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, + "Yeah,

+

operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... + D'you hear

+

that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that + don't you?"

+

(Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant)

+

Elaine: No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's + as simple as

+

that.

+

George: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage + men. It's

+

much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage + cans and

+

garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least + be clean.

+

Jerry: I tell you what they should do, they should combine the + two jobs, make

+

it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around + with nothing to

+

do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch + a criminal, get

+

right back to sweeping.

+

Elaine: You should run for mayor.

+

Jerry: Ehh, nobody listens.

+

Elaine: Where is someone? I'm starving.

+

George: I think this is him right here.

+

Elaine: Is there a table ready?

+

Restaurant Manager (Bruce): How many?

+

Elaine (to Jerry): How many?

+

Jerry (to George): Is Tatiana coming?

+

George: I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. + I'm very

+

lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

+

Jerry: Really? I thought things were going OK.

+

George: They were, it's kinda complicated.

+

Jerry: Well what is it?

+

Elaine: How many?

+

Jerry: Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld.

+

Bruce: Four. It'll be five, ten minutes.

+

George: What do you wanna do?

+

Elaine: Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.

+

Jerry: We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much + time if we

+

wanna make it to the movie.

+

George: I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?

+

Jerry (to Elaine): Tatiana...

+

(George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)

+

George: Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?

+

(guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)

+

Bruce: Lashbrook(sp?), 4!

+

Jerry: So did I do a terrible thing?

+

Elaine: You mean lying to your uncle?

+

Jerry: I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', + one night

+

only, the big screen. My hands are tied!

+

George (to Jerry): You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed + to just

+

chit-chat.

+

Elaine: Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right + away.

+

Jerry: Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table.

+

George: He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna + look.

+

Elaine: Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?

+

Jerry: Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house.

+

Elaine: Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose + things.

+

George: I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it + with humanity?

+

What kind of a world do we live in?

+

(Jerry stares at someone)

+

Elaine: What?

+

Jerry: There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark + hair,

+

striped shirt?

+

Elaine: I've never seen her before.

+

Jerry: I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.

+

(a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)

+

Man: Oh, Excuse me.

+

Elaine: I'm sorry.

+

(the group just walks right into the dining room)

+

Elaine: Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table.

+

Jerry: Well maybe they were here from before.

+

Elaine: No no no, they weren't here before.

+

George (to guy): Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I + have to make a

+

very important call.

+

(guy on phone turns away again)

+

Elaine: Find out what's going on!

+

Jerry: Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we + were ahead of

+

them.

+

Elaine: Yeah.

+

Bruce: What's your name?

+

Jerry: Seinfeld.

+

(Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)

+

Bruce: No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2!

+

Elaine: Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally + get a table?

+

They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's + enough to make

+

you sick.

+

Jerry: Boy, you are really hungry.

+

George (whistles to guy on phone): Hey!

+

(guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, goes + over to Jerry)

+

George: If anything happens here, can I count on you?

+

Jerry: What?

+

George: If we decide to go at it.

+

Jerry: Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...

+

George: I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little + outfit.

+

It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. + I really hate

+

this guy.

+

Elaine: I'm gonna faint...

+

Jerry: George, who is that woman in the stripes?

+

George: I don't know her.

+

Jerry: She looks so familiar.

+

Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First + Served, It

+

should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over + there and

+

taking some food off somebody's plate.

+

Jerry: I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you + do it.

+

Elaine: What do you mean?

+

Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't + say

+

anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, + walk away- I

+

give you 50 bucks.

+

George: What are they gonna do?

+

Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a + story to tell

+

for the rest of their lives.

+

Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?

+

Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

+

Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come + back here and

+

find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard + on it or

+

something...

+ +

Jerry: No, no tricks.

+

Elaine: Should I do it, George?

+

George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

+

Elaine: Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it.

+

(Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)

+

Elaine (through her teeth): I know this sounds crazy, but the two + men who are

+

standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here + and eat one of

+

your eggrolls.

+

(the people at the table are confused)

+

Elaine (through teeth): I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

+

People at table: What? What is she talking about? What did she + say?

+

(Elaine runs from the table, laughing)

+

Jerry: What happened?

+

Elaine: Did you see that?

+

George: What were you doing?

+

Elaine (laughing): I offered them 25, they had no idea...

+

Jerry: George, the phone's free.

+

George: Alleluia.

+

(as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts + dialing)

+

George: Excuse me, I was waiting here.

+

Woman at phone: Where? I didn't see you.

+

George: I've been standing here for the last ten minutes!

+

Woman: Well I won't be long.

+

George: That's not the point. The point is I was here first.

+

Woman: Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.

+

George (yelling at her): You know, we're living in a society! We're + supposed

+

to act in a civilized way.

+

(he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)

+

George: Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest + sensitivity

+

over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding + no!

+

(guy on phone approaches George)

+

Guy: Hey, sorry I took so long.

+

George: Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it.

+

Elaine: How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna + walk around,

+

see what dishes look good.

+

Jerry: I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think + he bought that?

+

George: Yeah, well, he probably bought it.

+

Jerry: So what happened with Tatiana?

+

George: I shouldn't even tell you this.

+

Jerry: Come on...

+

George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her + apartment.

+

Jerry: I'm with you.

+

George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. + It's like

+

right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off + in an alcove.

+

You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool + around, and

+

it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to + perceive this

+

impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass + by great

+

lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have + to stop. And as

+

this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to + momentarily...

+

extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable + force, I know

+

that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that + I know I'm

+

going to need...

+

Jerry: This could only happen to you.

+

George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't + take this the

+

wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

+

Jerry: You said this to her after.

+

George: No. During.

+

Jerry: Oh, boy.

+

George: Yeah.

+

Jerry: Wow! So...?

+

George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling + to compute this

+

unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure + this woman,

+

and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse + she might

+

possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, + and I'm very

+

sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls + to get her

+

to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, + and she's

+

(gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.

+

(Elaine comes over)

+

Elaine: I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never + coming back

+

here again.

+

Jerry (still trying to remember): Who is that woman?!

+

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? + Remember,

+

it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food + that you never

+

saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious + and

+

exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting + for them

+

to fill up the trough.

+

George: She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone)

+

Elaine: Jerry, talk to that guy again.

+

Jerry: What am I gonna say?

+

Elaine: Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late.

+

(as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in)

+

Mr. Cohen: Hey, what stinks in here?

+

Bruce (laughing): Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks.

+

Mr. Cohen: Well, I've been looking for a better place.

+

(Bruce laughs)

+

Bruce: Better place... Want a table?

+

Mr. Cohen: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here.

+

Bruce (laughing): Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, + I give you a

+

table.

+

Jerry: Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were + ahead of that

+

guy, he just came in.

+

Bruce: Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here.

+

Elaine: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?

+

Bruce: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.

+

Elaine: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going + on here?!

+

George: She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left + because those

+

people wouldn't get off the phone.

+

Jerry: Didja leave a message?

+

George: Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who + answers the

+

phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell + him I'm

+

expecting a call.

+

Elaine: Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...

+

Jerry: Where do I know her?

+

(woman in stripes approaches Jerry)

+

Lorraine: Hello, Jerry!

+

Jerry: Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?

+

Lorraine: How is everything?

+

Jerry: Good, good, good... What's goin' on?

+

Lorraine: Oh, working hard. And you?

+

Jerry: Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever.

+

Lorraine: You haven't been around in a while.

+

Jerry: I know, I know... Well, you know.

+

Lorraine: You should come by.

+

Jerry: Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that.

+

Elaine: Hi, I'm Elaine.

+

Lorraine (shaking her hand): Lorraine. Catalano.

+

Jerry: I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...

+

(They all laugh, then silent)

+

Lorraine: Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting + you. (she

+

leaves)

+

Elaine (smug): Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!

+

Jerry: Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. + I'm in

+

big, big trouble.

+

Elaine: The one you broke the plans with tonight?

+

Jerry: Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow + and

+

tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his + wife's gonna

+

call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction + of calls

+

this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like + the Bermuda

+

Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my + aunt, my aunt

+

to my mother, my mother to my uncle...

+

Jerry: ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister + to me.

+

Elaine: You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and + gotten in

+

over with. It's just a movie.

+

Jerry: Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 + through 8

+

from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. + The worst

+

movie ever made!

+

(Elaine nods)

+

Jerry: Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we + gotta get a

+

table immediately.

+

Elaine: Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip + him some

+

money.

+

Jerry: In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?

+

Elaine: Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go + out with a guy

+

who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.

+

George: 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?

+

Elaine: Well what do you want to give him, change?

+

George: It's more than the meal!

+

Jerry: Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways.

+

George: Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat + + that much!

+

Jerry: I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?

+

George: Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I + get flustered.

+

Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got + arrested.

+

Elaine: I guess it's you, Jer.

+

Jerry: Me? What about you?

+

Elaine: Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.

+

Jerry: The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress + in the world

+

of bribery, can they?

+

Elaine: Give me the money.

+

(Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention)

+

Elaine: How's it going'?

+

Bruce: Very busy.

+

(Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)

+

Elaine: Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.

+

Bruce: Very good specials tonight.

+

(Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)

+

Elaine: If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really + appreciate

+

it.

+

Bruce: What is your name? (he turns the page over the money)

+

Elaine: No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under + the page)

+

Bruce: Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh.

+

Elaine (Gives him the money): Here, take this. I'm starving. Take + it! Take

+

it!

+

(Bruce shrugs and takes it)

+

Bruce: Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready.

+

Elaine: No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come + on, did you

+

see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a + table.

+

Jerry: You lost the 20.

+

Elaine: Well, how could he do that?

+

George: You didn't make it clear.

+

Elaine: Make it clear?

+

Jerry: What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the + money back.

+

(goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely embarrassing, + my

+

friend here apparently made a mistake.

+

Bruce: Your name?

+

Jerry: Seinfeld.

+

Bruce: Yeah, Seinfeld 4!

+

Jerry: No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?

+

(Elaine waves at him, smiling)

+

Bruce: Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your + girlfriend?

+

Jerry: Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really + not relevant

+

here.

+

Bruce: Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together-

+

Jerry: Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be?

+

Bruce: Oh. In about five, ten minutes.

+

(Jerry goes over to Elaine and George)

+

George: So?

+

Jerry: There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.

+

Elaine: So when are we gonna eat?

+

Jerry: Five, ten minutes.

+

George: We should have left earlier. I told you.

+

Jerry: I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.

+

Elaine: Oh, well I have to eat.

+

Jerry: Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.

+

Elaine: Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?

+

Jerry: We'll eat it in the movie.

+

Elaine: Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they + have big

+

picnic tables there?

+

Jerry: Well what do you suggest?

+

Elaine: I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em + down.

+

Jerry: I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite + direction,

+

let's just eat popcorn or something.

+

Bruce (holding a phone): Cartwright?

+

Elaine: I can't have popcorn for dinner!

+

Bruce: Cartwright?

+

Elaine (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray): I have to eat!

+

Jerry: So they have hotdogs there.

+

Elaine: Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor.

+

George: I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's + call. Let me

+

just check.

+

(goes over to Bruce)

+

George: Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?

+

Bruce: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', + just like

+

that. Nobody came up, I hang up.

+

George: Well, was it for Costanza or...

+

Bruce: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.

+

George: Well was it a woman?

+

Bruce: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, + I hang up.

+

(George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)

+

George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.

+

Jerry: Who's Cartwright?

+

George: I'm Cartwright!

+

Jerry: You're not Cartwri-

+

George: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just + go to the

+

movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.

+

Elaine: Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.

+

Jerry: So You're not going?

+

Elaine: You don't need us.

+

Jerry: Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna + make sarcastic

+

remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.

+

George: Should we tell him we're leaving?

+

Elaine: What for? Let's just get out of here.

+

(they all leave)

+

Bruce: Seinfeld, 4?

+

(closing monologue)

+

Jerry: Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof + of that is

+

cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating + and, you

+

know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". + You know, I mean, I

+

would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying + to get some very

+

deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, + (pretending to

+

wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody + there? What do

+

you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get + out of

+

here!"

+

(credits roll; THE END) + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+

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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheChineseWoman.htm b/TheChineseWoman.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..08ab6bc --- /dev/null +++ b/TheChineseWoman.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1219 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Chinese Woman + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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The Chinese Woman

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

 

+ + Episode #90 (6.04: season 6, episode 4), 13 Oct 1994.

+

The Cast:

+

Character Actor

+

Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld

+

George Costanza Jason Alexander

+

Kramer Michael Richards

+

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus

+

Donna Chang Angela Dohrmann

+

Estelle Costanza Estelle Harris

+

Frank Costanza Jerry Stiller

+

The "Cape man" is played by Larry David.

+

Character Actor
+ Doctor (Dr. Korval) William Utay
+

+

This episode is about Jerry Seinfeld's series of dates with Donna Chang. Jerry had the notion that she was about to date a Chinese woman because of Donna's surname. She was surprised after their first date but liked Donna even though she was not Chinese. Their first date would have been more romantic and worthwhile if Jerry obtained the services a car rental company like perfect car hire. Perfect car hire is a premier car rental company in Ireland that offers quality service for their valued customers.
+

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Opening Monologue]

+

I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in
+ there with the chopsticks. Because if you think about it, you know, they've seen
+ the fork by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon. They're going, "Yeah, they're
+ okay. We're gonna stay with the sticks.". I mean, I don't know how they missed
+ it. Thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up has his breakfast with the
+ chopsticks goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel. Hello? Shovel?
+ Not going out there plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

+

 

+

[JERRY and ELAINE walking down the street. ELAINE is carrying two

+

plastic grocery bags and one big paper grocery bag. JERRY is carrying

+

none and is pretending to not notice the discrepancy.]

+

JERRY

+

Good shave today..

+

ELAINE

+

[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really + I'm

+

fine.

+

JERRY

+

I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little..

+

ELAINE

+

Can we rest here a second.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] Yeah, I guess.

+

[She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.]

+

JERRY

+

.. So how's Noreen?

+

ELAINE

+

Mm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.

+

JERRY

+

Already? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker..

+

ELAINE

+

No, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, + he

+

won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes + of

+

chit-chat.

+

JERRY

+

A Long Talker.

+

ELAINE

+

Yeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: + I

+

just hang up.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] All right; let's move it out.

+

[ELAINE gets her bags.]

+

JERRY

+

Hey, isn't that George's father?

+

ELAINE

+

Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello?

+

JERRY

+

I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of + context.

+

ELAINE

+

That man he's with: is he wearing a cape?

+

JERRY

+

I believe he is wearing a cape.

+

ELAINE

+

Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?

+

JERRY

+

Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.

+

ELAINE

+

Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

+

JERRY

+

You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other + side of

+

the street. Cover me.

+

[ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY + walks

+

by her so he's out of view, too.]

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]

+

[Commercial Break]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."]

+

JERRY

+

Just, ah, plop it on the counter there.

+

[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the + counter.

+

He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during + the

+

following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags + and

+

puts some in one bag--presumably hers.]

+

JERRY

+

Oh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine]

+

GEORGE

+

[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep]

+

ELAINE

+

That sounds Urgent..

+

JERRY

+

Let me call him back..

+

Hello?? Who is this?

+

Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.

+

ELAINE

+

Donna Chang?

+

JERRY

+

[is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.

+

ELAINE

+

Isn't that a little racist?

+

JERRY

+

If I like their race, how can that be racist?..

+

Hellooo??..

+

Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..

+

Yyy-yes, I am calling George..

+

Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what + do you

+

know?!

+

[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the + line to

+

chat with Donna.]

+

JERRY

+

So listen..

+

KRAMER

+

I'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin' + to?

+

ELAINE

+

He's on with a Chinese woman.

+

KRAMER

+

Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted, + pulling

+

down his underwear in back, through his pants]

+

ELAINE

+

You got a.. comfort problem there?

+

KRAMER

+

Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

+

ELAINE

+

I thought you wore silk underwear.

+

KRAMER

+

No. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't + stay

+

with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.

+

Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house.

+

ELAINE

+

[not charmed..] That's nice.

+

Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't

+

wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.

+

KRAMER

+

Sperm count?

+

Well how many ssssperm should I have?

+

ELAINE

+

A lot.

+

[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off + the

+

phone.]

+

JERRY

+

I got a date!

+

ELAINE

+

With the Chinese woman?!

+

JERRY

+

She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date + ever

+

with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.

+

KRAMER

+

Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?

+

JERRY

+

No, why should I? I wear boxers.

+

KRAMER

+

You ever get a woman pregnant?

+

JERRY

+

I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed..

+

KRAMER

+

What would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"?

+

JERRY

+

Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??..

+

Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I--

+

KRAMER

+

A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out]

+

Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!

+ +

JERRY

+

Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted.

+

KRAMER

+

Well, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing + extinction!

+

JERRY

+

Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.

+

KRAMER

+

Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the + middle

+

of the day??

+

ELAINE

+

Does that conflict with your regular schedule?

+

[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]

+

ELAINE

+

[going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package + of them]

+

All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.

+

JERRY

+

I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!

+

ELAINE

+

She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?

+

JERRY

+

She suggested it!

+

ELAINE

+

I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..

+

JERRY

+

She's very assimilated.

+

[Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the + other end.

+

ELAINE quickly hangs up.]

+

JERRY

+

Paul again?

+

ELAINE

+

[matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him.

+

[GEORGE comes in.]

+

GEORGE

+

Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!

+

JERRY

+

I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!

+

GEORGE

+

Uh?

+

ELAINE

+

[coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of + the

+

couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on + the

+

street before.

+

GEORGE

+

What's he doin' in the city today?

+

[They both shrug.]

+

GEORGE

+

You didn't ask him?

+

[They both shake heads no. Elaine's eating chips.]

+

GEORGE

+

You didn't say hello?

+

ELAINE

+

Well, he was with someone.

+

A man.. In a cape.

+

GEORGE

+

Why was he wearing a cape?..

+

[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]

+

GEORGE

+

Was my father wearing a cape?

+

JERRY

+

No. Jacket and tie: no cape.

+

GEORGE

+

Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape + doin'

+

with my father?.. What was my father doing with a man in a cape? + ..

+

[opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone]

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Fertility clinic. In an examination room. Kramer's waiting. The + DOCTOR

+

comes in.]

+

DOCTOR

+

The results of your sperm test are in.

+

Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family?

+

KRAMER

+

Yes! I would like to! Very much!..

+

Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...

+

DOCTOR

+

Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.

+

KRAMER

+

Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' + to

+

procreate! I--

+

DOCTOR

+

Hey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take + to

+

improve your fertility.

+

KRAMER

+

All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. + Come

+

on, Doc, tell me.

+

DOCTOR

+

First thing: you should wear boxer shorts.

+

KRAMER

+

All the time?

+

DOCTOR

+

All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.

+

KRAMER

+

Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[At Elaine's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing + a hair

+

dryer onto the phone.]

+

ELAINE

+

Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!

+

Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time + to talk.

+

Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well + you can

+

just tell her I called, then, an'--

+

Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately..

+

Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna..

+

[a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too..

+

Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The.. + car..

+

seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off + the

+

phone. [hangs up]

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, in a good + mood,

+

sitting next to a GUY.]

+

HOSTESS

+

Just let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.

+

JERRY

+

Yes, I will.

+

GUY

+

[indicating a cigarette] Mind?

+

JERRY

+

[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day.

+

[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.]

+

DONNA

+

Jerry.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] 'scuse me?

+

DONNA

+

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

+

JERRY

+

Who're you?

+

DONNA

+

I'm Donna Chang..

+

JERRY

+

[stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean?

+

DONNA

+

I mean: I'm Donna Chang.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] You're Donna Chang?

+

DONNA

+

Did you think I was Chinese?..

+

JERRY

+

Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"?

+

DONNA

+

Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.

+

JERRY

+

I didn't think so.

+

DONNA

+

It used to be "Changstein."

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl + of

+

Raisin Bran.]

+

ELAINE

+

She's not Chinese?

+

JERRY

+

No. Not Chinese.

+

Not even Asian.

+

ELAINE

+

So. What is she?

+

JERRY

+

Well, she's.. like you.

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch, + with

+

her cereal]

+

JERRY

+

Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she + likes

+

people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always

+

introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..

+

ELAINE

+

So why're you seeing her again..

+

JERRY

+

Well, she is a woman.

+

ELAINE

+

I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.

+

JERRY

+

Really?

+

ELAINE

+

Well, maybe.

+

JERRY

+

[sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be + + funny if

+

Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] What do you mean?

+

JERRY

+

Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because + he

+

was having an affair with Noreen?

+

[As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got + a pile

+

of underwear in his hands.]

+

KRAMER

+

Here. Take my Jockey shorts.

+

[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward

+

around the apartment during the following.]

+

ELAINE

+

Whoa! Whoa!

+

JERRY

+

What is that?!!

+

KRAMER

+

Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.

+

JERRY

+

Wha--you have a low sperm count?

+

KRAMER

+

Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.

+

JERRY

+

Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.

+

KRAMER

+

Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I + have one

+

pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!

+

JERRY

+

Look! I don't want 'em!

+

KRAMER

+

All it takes is one pair! Now, come on!

+

JERRY

+

I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!

+

[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his + own

+

pants.]

+

KRAMER

+

Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' + up,

+

they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm + flip

+

pin'! I'm floppin'!

+

[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]

+

KRAMER

+

What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]

+

JERRY

+

[calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have + to

+

move now.

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.]

+

FRANK

+

Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.

+

GEORGE

+

Plenty of mosquitoes.

+

FRANK

+

Queens is full of mosquitoes.

+

GEORGE

+

So, Dad..

+

FRANK

+

Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.

+

GEORGE

+

Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!

+

FRANK

+

Your mother has to tell you every move I make!?

+

GEORGE

+

No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.

+

FRANK

+

They didn't say hello?

+

GEORGE

+

Well, they were in a rush.

+

FRANK

+

They couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them.

+

GEORGE

+

They, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape, + ha ha.

+

FRANK

+

Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the

+

word--supercilious.

+

GEORGE

+

So Dad.

+

FRANK

+

How could Jerry not say Hello?!!

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Night. At Jerry's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch + and he's

+

drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.]

+

JERRY

+

So did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet?

+

DONNA

+

No. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous(sic).

+

JERRY

+

[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should he + say something--can't

+

decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?

+

DONNA

+

Ridiculous.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic) [he and + she look at each

+

other, puzzled.]

+

[GEORGE comes in.]

+

JERRY

+

Oh, what are you doing here?

+

GEORGE

+

Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't + know

+

you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.

+

DONNA

+

Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself + registers

+

that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.]

+

I just spoke to your mother before.

+

GEORGE

+

[pause] You spoke to my mother?

+

DONNA

+

She was trying to call you, but--

+

JERRY

+

The rines(sic) were crossed?

+

[They both look at him weird.]

+

GEORGE

+

Did you say, "The rines(sic) were crossed?"

+

JERRY

+

Did I?

+

DONNA

+

[pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour!

+

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

+

GEORGE

+

Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?

+

DONNA

+

Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.

+

[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes + to the

+

oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.]

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]

+

[Commercial Break]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's left. Elaine's there.]

+

ELAINE

+

Divorced. That's really too bad..

+

JERRY

+

Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty + years

+

ago. He could have been normal.

+

GEORGE

+

[coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?! + If

+

they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice + as many

+

visits!

+

JERRY

+

I never thought of that.

+

GEORGE

+

Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless] + Haha!

+

It's like runnin' the double marathon!

+

ELAINE

+

Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?

+

JERRY

+

Have you ever spent any time with these people..?

+

GEORGE

+

You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you + he is

+

mixed up in this!

+

I don't trust men in capes.

+

JERRY

+

You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' + a

+

cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna + stand

+

here an' let you say something bad about him.

+

GEORGE

+

All right Superman's the exception.

+

ELAINE

+

[has been watching that with amazed disbelief]

+

[KRAMER enters.]

+

KRAMER

+

Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking + up. I

+

want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had + a

+

thing for Noreen.

+

ELAINE

+

Oh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.

+

KRAMER

+

Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through + my

+

fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy + moves]

+

JERRY

+

Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers..

+

KRAMER

+ +

Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.

+

JERRY

+

You went back to the Jockeys?

+

KRAMER

+

Wrong again.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] Oh, no.

+

ELAINE

+

What? What?..

+

JERRY

+

Don't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys..

+

ELAINE

+

Eeaawww...

+

JERRY

+

The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine..

+

JERRY

+

Kramer, say it isn't so.

+

KRAMER

+

Oh, it be so.

+

I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!

+

JERRY

+

Don't you need a little.. help?

+

KRAMER

+

Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave,

+

still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' + the

+

countryside!!

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter. + We're

+

looking straight at them.]

+

ELAINE

+

Well, you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!..

+

NOREEN

+

Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while..

+

ELAINE

+

Oh, he went insane?..

+

NOREEN

+

Believe it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because

+

somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What + kind of

+

a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over?

+

ELAINE

+

[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well. + Uh. I

+

don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't + wanna,

+

talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was + always

+

making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact + that

+

the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!

+

NOREEN

+

[has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't + believe

+

that was you..

+

ELAINE

+

[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen..

+

NOREEN

+

[pause] So you thought he was boring?

+

ELAINE

+

Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha.

+

NOREEN

+

[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.]

+

JERRY

+

What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship

+

you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!

+

ELAINE

+

I know--

+

JERRY

+

First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.

+

ELAINE

+

Well, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same.

+

JERRY

+

So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. + Miraculously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as + they're

+

reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.

+

ELAINE

+

[apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.

+

JERRY

+

Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman!

+

Anything you say she does!

+

[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.]

+

JERRY

+

Yeah.

+

DONNA

+

It's Donna Chang.

+

JERRY

+

[hits button] Come on up.

+

ELAINE

+

Well, I guess I just didn't realize it..

+

JERRY

+

Well, let's look back on your history with this woman. Okay?

+

ELAINE

+

Okay..

+

JERRY

+

First, you encouraged her to join: The Army. .. She did.

+

ELAINE

+

She was lost..

+

JERRY

+

Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL! She did!

+

ELAINE

+

Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun..

+

JERRY

+

You know.. You better make sure you never tell this woman to jump + off

+

the Brooklyn Bridge..

+

ELAINE

+

If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her + an'

+

tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!

+

[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly, good mood.]

+

DONNA

+

Hi.

+

JERRY

+

Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..

+

[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE: Hi! Good to meet you.]

+

DONNA

+

[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting

+

divorced.

+

JERRY

+

Why? What happened?

+

DONNA

+

Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we + spoke for

+

an hour, she changed her mind!!!

+

JERRY

+

Wow! That's amazing!

+

DONNA

+

Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner! She + said

+

you should come too.

+

JERRY

+

Tonight?

+

DONNA

+

Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture + class.

+

[goes to phone]

+

[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly exchange looks.]

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Same day. At the Costanzas', are GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE

+

just entered. ESTELLE's snacking watching TV.]

+

GEORGE

+

All right. Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this + is goin'

+

to happen. No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings,

+

you're out of your minds!!!

+

ESTELLE

+

[calmly] We're not getting divorced.

+

FRANK

+

You mother changed her mind.. [tries to catch a fly with his hand]

+

GEORGE

+

[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's Very good! I'm very glad to + hear

+

that.

+

FRANK

+

Yeah. We worked it out.

+

GEORGE

+

All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the + cape?

+

FRANK

+

He was my lawyer.

+

GEORGE

+

You lawyer wears a cape..?

+

FRANK

+

Yeah. So what?

+

GEORGE

+

Who wears a cape?

+

FRANK

+

He's very independent; doesn't follow the trends.

+

ESTELLE

+

He looks ridiculous in that thing..

+

FRANK

+

You have no eye for fashion!!!

+

ESTELLE

+

I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!

+

GEORGE

+

All right! Come on!

+

Let's not fight.

+

FRANK and ESTELLE

+

All right! All right!

+

ESTELLE

+

Georgie's right.

+

GEORGE

+

So what made you change your mind?

+

ESTELLE

+

It was that Chinese woman.

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, DONNA CHANG is with him.]

+

JERRY

+

So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her + mind?

+

DONNA

+ +

I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] Confucius, huh?

+

DONNA

+

Yeah.

+

JERRY

+

[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[The Costanzas again. They open the door for JERRY and DONNA.]

+

JERRY

+

Hey! I heard the good news!

+

FRANK

+

Jerry: how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!

+

JERRY

+

Elaine was.. in a rush.

+

FRANK

+

I knew it was Elaine!!

+

DONNA

+

You must be Estelle.

+

ESTELLE

+

Yes. Who are you..?

+

DONNA

+

I'm Donna Chang!

+

ESTELLE

+

You're not Chinese!

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment. NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting + on the

+

couch when the phone rings. KRAMER picks it up. Scene cuts back + and

+

forth between ELAINE and them.]

+

KRAMER

+

Hello?

+

ELAINE

+

Paul?

+

KRAMER

+

Elaine!

+

ELAINE

+

Kramer?

+

KRAMER

+

[pause] Yeahh!

+

ELAINE

+

What're you doin' there?

+

KRAMER

+

Wellll, isn't it obvious?

+

ELAINE

+

Uh! Ah, is Noreen there?

+

KRAMER

+

Yes, she is..

+

ELAINE

+

Well? Can I talk to her?

+

KRAMER

+

What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?

+

ELAINE

+

[tired] Fine--would you just put her on?

+

KRAMER

+

Well, I feel it'd be best if you just didn't talk to her for a + while..

+

ELAINE

+

You feel?

+

KRAMER

+

That's right!

+

She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn + of the

+

destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years..

+

ELAINE

+

What are you insane?!

+

KRAMER

+

From now, on, I'll be calling the shots around here..

+

ELAINE

+

Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna tell her?

+

KRAMER

+

Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army..

+

There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right + now..

+

And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do..

+

ELAINE

+

Uh! Kramer! You have got to let me talk to her!

+

KRAMER

+

Can't help ya, kid.

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Back at the Costanzas'. Still daylight.]

+

ESTELLE

+

You're not Chinese!?!?

+

DONNA

+

[pause] No.

+

ESTELLE

+

I thought you were Chinese!!

+

DONNA

+

I'm from Long Island.

+

ESTELLE

+

Long Island?!?!

+

I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!!

+

DONNA

+

I'm sorry..?

+

ESTELLE

+

Well! Then, that changes everything!

+

GEORGE

+

What?!

+

ESTELLE

+

She's not Chinese; I was duped!!

+

GEORGE

+

So what?! She gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not + Chi

+

nese?!?!

+

ESTELLE

+

I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! [goes into

+

kitchen]

+

GEORGE

+

[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce + because

+

she's from Long Island?!?!

+

FRANK

+

[from the living room, standing, shouts after them] You want a

+

divorce?!!? You got one!!!

+

JERRY

+

[pause, to DONNA] You know, you might wanna think about changin' + your

+

name..

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking down the street.]

+

ELAINE

+

So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to + me!

+

JERRY

+

Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the

+

Chinese.

+

ELAINE

+

[pause] You know, everybody listens to the Chinese.

+

I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with + that in

+

any other restaurant.

+

JERRY

+

[has just bought a newspaper out of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading

+

any rolled-up messages in a knish..

+

[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets out.]

+

GEORGE

+

Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!

+

JERRY

+

Hey.

+

GEORGE

+

I predicted it! [hits cab roof twice, it drives off]

+

Saw both of them today!

+

What a disaster!

+

I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch

+

together. Never had, Lunch, with my mother before--it's like a + date!

+

Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. + We

+

played "Clue"! All day with this!

+

[KRAMER sticks his head out of his (or Jerry's) apartment window, + shouts

+

down to them.]

+

KRAMER

+

Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's + late!

+

She's laaate!!

+

 

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[End of Act II time: 9:18]

+

[Commercial Break]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

[During credit roll. Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers + over the

+

edge, the wind blowing up on her face. Then a man in a black cape + edges

+

over to her cautiously, reaches and holds her forearm.]

+

NOREEN

+

Who are you?!

+

MAN

+

[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her + get

+

back off (and out of view of the camera).]

+

[The End-- Total transcript time: 21:22]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Return to The Television Transcript Project

+

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+

Last Updated: 3 June, 1997

+

 

+

 

+

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+ + Transcribed by + "Mazzy",
+
+ Episode Number: 074
+ Original Air Date: December 09, 1993
+
+ Written by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross
+ Directed by: Tom Cherones
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Kimberly Norris (Winona)
+ Sam Lloyd (Ricky)
+ Carissa Channing (Sylvia)
+ Ralph Manza (Gepetto)
+ Al Roker (Himself)
+ Veralyn Jones (Renee)
+ Lisa Pescia (Joanne)
+ Benjamin Lum (Mailman)
+ Irvin Mosley Jr. (Spike)
+
+
+ [Night Club]
+
+ Jerry's standup piece.
+
+ JERRY: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's + life, because
+ they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out + to the end,
+ don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's + just they
+ somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this + fashion time
+ capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, + with
+ someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me + the worst thing
+ is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little + room. What
+ men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants + at the door,
+ and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would + be the best
+ way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' + 'No, just
+ getting some air.'
+
+ [George's parents' house]
+
+ Elaine and Jerry in the living room.
+
+ JERRY: How would you describe the smell in this house?
+
+ ELAINE: (sniffing) Dandruff?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?
+
+ ELAINE: There's some kasha.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot + pourri,
+ really.
+
+ George enters from the kitchen (?).
+
+ ELAINE: Alright, let's go, come on.
+
+ GEORGE: Wha... you're going?
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, + I'm gonna be
+ late.
+
+ Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured + objects in his
+ hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth.
+
+ KRAMER: Egh. These aren't candies.
+
+ GEORGE: Kramer. did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs + the soaps
+ and begins examining them for damage)
+
+ KRAMER: Well I'm a guest.
+
+ GEORGE: Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.
+
+ JERRY: You're not allowed to have people over?
+
+ GEORGE: I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he + leaves to return
+ the soaps)
+
+ KRAMER: What, this is a party?
+
+ ELAINE: Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's + go, let's go.
+
+ Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices + Jerry's
+ mug on the coffee table.
+
+ GEORGE: (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table!
+
+ JERRY: (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee + table.
+
+ GEORGE: But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he + runs to
+ kitchen)
+
+ KRAMER: Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh?
+
+ George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.
+
+ ELAINE: (impatient) Come on!
+
+ JERRY: What's the big rush?
+
+ ELAINE: I'm having people over.
+
+ JERRY: Who?
+
+ ELAINE: The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...
+
+ JERRY: Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.
+
+ JERRY: (interested) Really?
+
+ ELAINE: I'll put in a good word for you.
+
+ JERRY: Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts + coffee cup back
+ on the table)
+
+ GEORGE: (screaming) Aaahh!!
+
+ JERRY: Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)
+
+ GEORGE: But Jerry, this is not coming out!
+
+ JERRY: Just put a coffee table book over it.
+
+ GEORGE: My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book + is doing on the
+ table!
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee + table book?
+ A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?
+
+ ELAINE: Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George.
+
+ GEORGE: Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to + get this thing
+ refinished.
+
+ ELAINE: Now?!
+
+ GEORGE: Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are + gonna be back. I
+ gotta have it back before them!
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven.
+
+ KRAMER: Alright, we'll take the subway.
+
+ JERRY: There you go. That'll get you home in time.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh! The subway? From Queens?
+
+ GEORGE: Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.
+
+ JERRY: I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you.
+
+ ELAINE: I need something to read on the subway.
+ +
+ JERRY: (handing her a magazine) Here, read this.
+
+ ELAINE: (looks at it) TV Guide?
+
+ [Subway train]
+
+ Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer + is expanding
+ on his book concept.
+
+ KRAMER: I got history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee + tables.
+ It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.
+
+ ELAINE: (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.
+
+ KRAMER: So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?
+
+ ELAINE: (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the + morning.
+
+ KRAMER: (claps hands) Yes indeed.
+
+ TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is + famous for its
+ gyros, you want one?
+
+ ELAINE: How are you gonna get something and get back on the train + in time?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros + are cooked, and
+ wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three + dollars, no
+ change. You want one?
+
+ ELAINE: (laughing) No thanks.
+
+ KRAMER: Alright, but no bites.
+
+ Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple + of other guys
+ waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. + Elaine continues
+ to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak + inside and
+ out) proffers a pen.
+
+ RICKY: Highlighter?
+
+ ELAINE: Excuse me?
+
+ RICKY: To highlight the programmes you plan to watch.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) + I'm just
+ trying to read.
+
+ RICKY: Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading + 'the
+ Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.
+
+ The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do, + Kramer tries to
+ enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving + him holding
+ his gyro into the carriage.
+
+ KRAMER: (yells) Elaine!
+
+ A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's + hand and sits
+ down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed.
+
+ RICKY: Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train.
+
+ ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.
+
+ RICKY: He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.
+
+ [Furniture refinishers]
+
+ Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee table.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.
+
+ GEORGE: Why?
+
+ JERRY: Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a + gift in front
+ of Winona, how does that hurt me?
+
+ GEORGE: Can't hurt you.
+
+ JERRY: What about, what about this thing?
+
+ GEORGE: The Indian?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute.
+
+ GEPETTO: Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.
+
+ GEORGE: Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back.
+
+ GEPETTO: They left you home alone, huh?
+
+ [Subway train]
+
+ Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over the + TV Guide.
+ Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.
+
+ RICKY: Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats + and sits beside
+ Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, + The Lucy
+ Show, Here's Lucy.
+
+ The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye.
+
+ RICKY: (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this!
+
+ Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees + the address
+ label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING + NY 11353
+
+ [Furniture refinishers]
+
+ Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.
+
+ GEPETTO: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done + by hand.
+ (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... + (notices)
+ Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!
+
+ SYLVIA: Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there?
+
+ GEORGE: No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)
+
+ SYLVIA: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner.
+
+ SYLVIA: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighbourhood.
+
+ GEORGE: (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighbourhood's + changing.
+
+ JERRY: Alright, I'll take it.
+
+ GEPETTO: Smart choice.
+
+ SYLVIA: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty + and, uh, we
+ must have them.
+
+ [Elaine's apartment]
+
+ Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.
+
+ ELAINE: Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces
+
+ THE GIRLS: Oh/Aah. (and similar comments)
+
+ ELAINE: (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!
+
+ There's a knock at the door.
+
+ ELAINE: Who is it?
+
+ JERRY (O.C.): It's Jerry.
+
+ Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside + a large
+ object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry!
+
+ JERRY: Surprise! (he carries in the object)
+
+ ELAINE: What is this?
+
+ JERRY: Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry?
+
+ THE GIRLS: Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)
+
+ JERRY: Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.
+
+ GIRL (NOT WINONA): Elaine, is it your birthday?
+ +
+ ELAINE: No.
+
+ JERRY: I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love + to make
+ people happy.
+
+ THE GIRLS: Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval)
+
+ JERRY: Are you ready?
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!
+
+ There is a deathly hush.
+
+ JERRY: It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card.
+
+ ELAINE: (examines card) (embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you + very much.
+
+ JERRY: Read it out loud.
+
+ ELAINE: I, I don't think so.
+
+ JERRY: (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon.
+ (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe.
+
+ WINONA: (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really + should go.
+
+ ELAINE: I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh...
+
+ Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical + movie
+ Indian chant.
+
+ JERRY: Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.
+
+ Winona leaves, looking offended.
+
+ ELAINE: Are you out of your mind?!
+
+ JERRY: ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.
+
+ ELAINE: Winona is a Native American.
+
+ JERRY: She is?
+
+ [George's parents' house]
+
+ Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony + singing can be
+ heard in the background.
+
+ SYLVIA: You got very unusual taste.
+
+ GEORGE: (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's + the only thing
+ I had that was chilled.
+
+ SYLVIA: Fine.
+
+ GEORGE: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination + musta
+ just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.
+
+ SYLVIA: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath?
+
+ GEORGE: (bashful) No, that's me.
+
+ SYLVIA: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures + of
+ themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest + of the house.
+
+ GEORGE: Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain + a consistent
+ feel throughout the house.
+
+ SYLVIA: What is this we're listening to?
+
+ GEORGE: The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)
+
+ SYLVIA: Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?
+
+ GEORGE: It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master + bedroom? (they
+ leave together)
+
+ Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer.
+
+ WINONA (O.C.): Who is it?
+
+ JERRY: Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
+
+ WINONA: (unimpressed) Yeah?
+
+ JERRY: Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, + I, I'd really
+ like to apologise. Can I come up?
+
+ WINONA: I'll come down.
+
+ [Elaine's apartment]
+
+ KRAMER: I came by to get my ball.
+
+ ELAINE: It's right over there.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. + How d'you
+ think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where + did this come
+ from?
+
+ ELAINE: You want it?
+
+ KRAMER: (unbelieving) I can have this?!
+
+ ELAINE: Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh. I'll lug.
+
+ [Street outside Winona's]
+
+ WINONA: It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.
+
+ JERRY: And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with + me at all,
+ you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't + be hungry by
+ any chance, wouldya?
+
+ WINONA: (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.
+
+ JERRY: You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan + restaurant in
+ this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots + a mailman
+ crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the + Chinese
+ restaurant is around here.
+
+ The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence.
+
+ MAILMAN: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know + where all the
+ Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask + honolable
+ Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant.
+
+ JERRY: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the + neighbourhood.
+
+ MAILMAN: Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog + stand? (storms
+ away)
+
+ JERRY: I didn't know that...
+
+ WINONA: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.
+
+ JERRY: I, I had no idea.
+
+ A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top + of the Indian.
+
+ KRAMER: (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look + what I got!
+ (begins doing war-whoops)
+
+ Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing + to say.
+ Winona storms back into her building.
+
+ [George's parent's house]
+
+ George and Jerry are returning the table.
+
+ GEORGE: Looks pretty good.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, did a good job.
+
+ They put the various ornaments back on the table.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.
+
+ JERRY: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person + where the
+ Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too + sensitive? I
+ mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.
+
+ GEORGE: So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh...
+
+ JERRY: Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact + I'm gonna see
+ her tonight.
+ +
+ GEORGE: Oh, great.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making + another
+ mistake.
+
+ GEORGE: Aw c'mon.
+
+ The front door opens and George's parents enter.
+
+ ESTELLE: Hello, hello!
+
+ GEORGE: (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi.
+
+ ESTELLE: Oh, the house looks very nice.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, huh.
+
+ FRANK: Where's the mail?
+
+ ESTELLE: Hello Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Hello.
+
+ GEORGE: So, how was the trip?
+
+ ESTELLE: Ah, your father...
+
+ FRANK: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll + booth?
+
+ ESTELLE: I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom)
+
+ FRANK: (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the + TV Guide?
+
+ GEORGE: What TV Guide?
+
+ FRANK: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.
+
+ JERRY: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.
+
+ FRANK: Elaine took it?
+
+ GEORGE: I didn't know she took it!
+
+ JERRY: Wa, it's two weeks old.
+
+ FRANK: (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?!
+
+ GEORGE: (to Jerry) He collects them.
+
+ JERRY: You collect TV Guide?
+
+ FRANK: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing + my collectible!
+
+ ESTELLE: (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) + This was in
+ our bed.
+
+ FRANK: (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) + A prophylactic
+ wrapper?!
+
+ ESTELLE: What is this doing on my bed?!
+
+ GEORGE: I don't know, uh...
+
+ JERRY: I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)
+
+ FRANK: You were having sex on our bed?!
+
+ GEORGE: Yes!
+
+ ESTELLE: Who told you you could have sex in our bed?
+
+ GEORGE: (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.
+
+ FRANK: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our + house into,
+ into Bourbon Street!
+
+ ESTELLE: Where am I going to sleep?
+
+ GEORGE: What're you talking about?
+
+ ESTELLE: I can't sleep in there!
+
+ GEORGE: Of course you can.
+
+ ESTELLE: I can't! (screams) I can't!
+
+ FRANK: That's it! You're grounded!
+
+ GEORGE: (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.
+
+ FRANK: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. + (yells) You're
+ grounded!
+
+ [Winona's apartment]
+
+ Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.
+
+ WINONA: So, where are we gonna go eat?
+
+ JERRY: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
+
+ WINONA: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can + we get a table?
+
+ JERRY: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)
+
+ WINONA: You made what?
+
+ JERRY: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodation. + And then, Knick
+ tickets, floor seats.
+
+ WINONA: How did you get these?
+
+ JERRY: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again) + A uh, one
+ of those guys.
+
+ WINONA: What guys?
+
+ JERRY: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the + sold-out
+ events.
+
+ WINONA: Oh.
+
+ JERRY: Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide.
+
+ WINONA: That's Al Roker.
+
+ JERRY: Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise + and Paul
+ Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?
+
+ WINONA: Sure, take it.
+
+ JERRY: Thanks.
+
+ [Jerry's apartment]
+
+ Jerry enters with the TV Guide.
+
+ JERRY: So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you.
+
+ ELAINE: Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.
+
+ ELAINE: He collects (holds up magazine) these?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ ELAINE: Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and + deliver his Al
+ Roker TV Guide to him.
+
+ JERRY: What'ya do with the one you took?
+
+ ELAINE: I dunno.
+
+ [Ricky's apartment (?)]
+
+ Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy + teenager. He's
+ cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming + the theme to
+ I Love Lucy to himself as he does so.
+
+ [Jerry's apartment]
+ Kramer enters.
+
+ ELAINE: Hi.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?
+
+ ELAINE: What did who say?
+
+ KRAMER: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?
+
+ ELAINE: Uhmm...
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?
+
+ ELAINE: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her + voice as Kramer
+ speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...
+
+ KRAMER: (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm...
+
+ ELAINE: I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
+
+ + JERRY: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, + it's on a
+ coffee table.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. + (clicks
+ tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.
+
+ JERRY: Where you going?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if + I can sell that
+ Indian.
+
+ JERRY: My Indian?
+
+ KRAMER: You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue + click)
+
+ He leaves.
+
+ [George's parents' house]
+
+ George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered by + the TV Guide
+ incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering.
+
+ FRANK: How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How + does she
+ expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn + it on and
+ wander aimlessly around the dial?
+
+ Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, holding + what
+ looks like a bouquet of flowers.
+
+ RICKY: Hello. Is Elaine home?
+
+ ESTELLE: Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.
+
+ FRANK: (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house!
+
+ RICKY: (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay, + it's a
+ bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.
+
+ FRANK: (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave + that to you?!
+
+ RICKY: (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah.
+
+ RICKY: Oh, this is a good one.
+
+ [Subway train]
+
+ Elaine riding the subway to Queens.
+
+ TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
+
+ A thought occurs to Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE (V.O.): Mmm, gyro.
+
+ She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next to + her at the
+ exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes + out first.
+
+ [Jerry's apartment]
+
+ Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona + looks around.
+
+ WINONA: I like your place. It's very unassuming.
+
+ JERRY: Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions.
+
+ WINONA: (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need + it back.
+
+ JERRY: Why?
+
+ WINONA: Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and + I wanted to use
+ that interview with Al Roker.
+
+ JERRY: Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already + on her way to
+ give it to George's father.
+
+ WINONA: Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine.
+
+ JERRY: You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what + are you...
+ (catches himself)
+
+ WINONA: What?
+
+ JERRY: A uh, a person that uh...
+
+ WINONA: A person that what?
+
+ JERRY: Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied + and
+ they wish they had, had never uh...
+
+ WINONA: And?
+
+ JERRY: ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave + it to.
+
+ WINONA: You mean like, an Indian giver?!
+
+ JERRY: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.
+
+ [Subway train]
+
+ Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices from + her sandwich
+ are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag.
+
+ [George's parents' house]
+
+ Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. The + coffee table
+ is covered in boxes of the magazine.
+
+ RICKY: I like the special fall preview issues the best.
+
+ FRANK: Those. I've been saving those from the beginning.
+
+ The doorbell rings.
+
+ RICKY: These are worth like, a lot of money.
+
+ Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine.
+
+ ESTELLE: Oh, hello Elaine!
+
+ ELAINE: Hello. (she enters)
+
+ RICKY: (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.
+
+ Elaine looks nervous and surprised.
+
+ FRANK: Why'd you take my TV Guide?
+
+ ELAINE: (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. + Look, I
+ brought you another one. (hands it over)
+
+ RICKY: I made this for you.
+
+ ELAINE: (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.
+
+ FRANK: (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over + it! What the
+ hell'd you do?
+
+ RICKY: Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
+
+ FRANK: (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want!
+
+ RICKY: Come on Elaine, let's go.
+
+ As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table with + his leg. It
+ tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls over + with a crash.
+
+ ESTELLE: My coffee table!
+
+ [Gus' Smoke Shop]
+
+ Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying to + do a job of
+ salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed. + In the
+ background, Mr Lippman is browsing.
+
+ KRAMER: I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without + an Indian?
+ It's unseemly.
+
+ SPIKE: I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.
+
+ KRAMER: Forget it.
+
+ LIPPMAN: Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah.
+
+ LIPPMAN: Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western + motif and
+ this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?
+
+ KRAMER: Giddyup.
+ +
+ LIPPMAN: Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right + next door.
+ Pendant Publishing.
+
+ KRAMER: Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.
+
+ [Lippman's office]
+
+ Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. Elaine + enters.
+
+ ELAINE: Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) + Kramer!
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, hi Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: What are you doing in here with that?
+
+ KRAMER: Ah, well, it's a business transaction.
+
+ LIPPMAN: (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) + Listen uh, petty
+ cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, + count it.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You + know I was
+ just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.
+
+ LIPPMAN: You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa + Fe.
+
+ KRAMER: You mind if I use it in my book?
+
+ LIPPMAN: What book?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables.
+
+ LIPPMAN: About coffee tables?
+
+ Elaine is pulling skeptical faces.
+
+ KRAMER: Uh huh.
+
+ LIPPMAN: That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your + publisher?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I'm still shopping it around.
+
+ LIPPMAN: Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you + should be
+ coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?
+
+ ELAINE: Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I...
+
+ LIPPMAN: (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the + room. Don't you
+ think?
+
+ Elaine looks sick.
+
+ [Furniture refinishers]
+
+ Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia.
+
+ SYLVIA: I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's.
+
+ ESTELLE: It's mine. I'm his mother.
+
+ SYLVIA: Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working + very hard.
+
+ ESTELLE: George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at + home with us.
+
+ SYLVIA: He does?
+
+ [Subway train]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks unhappy. + Jerry
+ has a copy of the TV Guide.
+
+ JERRY: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just + could call TV
+ Guide.
+
+ ELAINE: I dunno.
+
+ JERRY: Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the + magazine to
+ Elaine)
+
+ ELAINE: I guess.
+
+ JERRY: What's the matter?
+
+ ELAINE: What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work + on Kramer's
+ coffee table book.
+
+ JERRY: It is a good idea, Elaine.
+
+ TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
+
+ JERRY: You want a gyro?
+
+ ELAINE: I don't think so.
+
+ Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past + other commuters.
+
+ [Subway train: moments later]
+
+ Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage + just as the
+ doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.
+
+ JERRY: Elaine!
+
+ A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's + hand, just as
+ Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing + to eat.
+
+ AL ROKER: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.
+
+ ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.
+
+ AL ROKER: He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin)
+
+ Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide + and finds the
+ guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. + She looks up
+ at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture + on the
+ cover.
+
+ [Nightclub]
+
+ More Jerry standup.
+
+ JERRY: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would + come. Somehow
+ when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh + TV shows
+ in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All + the shows
+ stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat + on, thrown
+ across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another + person.
+ It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' + (mimes
+ throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they + have a phone
+ number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers + to the TV
+ Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide + crossword
+ puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?
+
+ [END] + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+ +


+ Transcribed by: (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
+ (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credit + is given to the transcriber and this site)

+


+ Episode Number: 147
+ Original Air Date: January 30, 1997
+
+ Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
+ Directed by: David Owen Trainor
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Mark Harelik (Milos)
+ Ben Stein (Shellbach)
+ Joel Polis (Reilly)
+ Ivana Milavich (Patty)
+ Danny Strong (Vincent)
+ Richard Livingston (Bill)
+ Charles Kahlenberg (Fred)
+ Stan Sellers (McAdam)
+ Peggy Mannix (Woman)
+ Fatima Love (Secretary)
+ Nancy Linehan Charles (Woman Executive)
+ Jeff Hatz (Manager (Gene))
+
+
+ [Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]
+
+ A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's + a
+ bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few + salad
+ leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter,
+ dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with them, about + as
+ fast as he can manage.
+
+ BILL: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the + one
+ to tell him no.
+
+ REILLY: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there.
+
+ GEORGE: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor
+ in his skybox?
+
+ REILLY: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
+
+ Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's joke. George
+ looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful of
+ seafood.
+
+
+ [George's Car]
+
+ George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.
+
+ GEORGE: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta
+ shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated
+ shout) Dammit!
+
+
+ [New York Health & Racquet Club]
+
+ George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags and
+ paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.
+
+ JERRY: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the + jerk
+ store called, and they're running outta you.'
+
+ Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. Jerry
+ rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed tennis racquet.
+
+ JERRY: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?
+
+ GEORGE: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.
+
+ JERRY: Oh. That's not quite the same.
+
+ GEORGE: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.
+
+ JERRY: I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
+
+ GEORGE: Right.
+
+ George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, carrying
+ his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, tracksuit
+ wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.
+
+ MILOS: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you.
+
+ JERRY: I need a can of balls.
+
+ Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. Milos
+ reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.
+
+ MILOS: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...
+
+ Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.
+
+ MILOS: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do + you?
+
+ Jerry looks surprised.
+
+
+ [Champagne Video]
+
+ Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before a rack + marked
+ 'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', and
+ 'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video box, + when
+ Kramer comes up behind her.
+
+ KRAMER: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?
+
+ ELAINE: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent
+ guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack.
+
+ ELAINE: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.
+
+ KRAMER: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a + Kramer
+ pick.
+
+ Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.
+
+ ELAINE: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of + that
+ one.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, went straight to video.
+
+ Elaine looks upon this as a negative.
+
+ KRAMER: (positive) That makes me the premiere.
+
+ Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter.
+
+ ELAINE: (gets Kramer's point) Hah.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece of paper.
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?
+
+ JERRY: No. <img src="http://tinyurl.com/2rau"> +
+
+ KRAMER: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching
+ it, so I want you to read this.
+
+ Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other + Side
+ Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie,
+ hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine,
+ lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
+
+ KRAMER: Can you do that for me, buddy?
+
+ JERRY: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding
+ document.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna type it up.
+
+ JERRY: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.
+
+ + KRAMER: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me.
+ (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I
+ couldn't even give him his Christmas present.
+
+ Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this + guy
+ Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.
+
+ Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.
+
+ JERRY: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with.
+
+ KRAMER: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this + any
+ more.
+
+ Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry notices
+ something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.
+
+ JERRY: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book.
+
+ KRAMER: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures
+ page.
+
+ Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound effects.
+
+
+ [Elaine's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a tear from + her
+ eye, and sniffs.
+
+ ELAINE: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs)
+
+ The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy at being
+ interrupted.
+
+ ELAINE: What?
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie?
+
+ ELAINE: Who is it?
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): It's Vincent.
+
+ ELAINE: Of Vincent's picks?
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): The same.
+
+ Elaine smiles excitedly.
+
+
+ [Tennis Club]
+
+ Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club from the + one we
+ saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, behind + them,
+ a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful tennis. + He's
+ missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.
+
+ JERRY: He called you?
+
+ ELAINE: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for,
+ like, two hours.
+
+ JERRY: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process + is
+ getting ever more rigorous.
+
+ Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.
+
+ ELAINE: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he + sets
+ his own hours.
+
+ A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible player + from
+ the other court shouts over.
+
+ PLAYER (O.C.): Little help, hey!
+
+ ELAINE: (tossing the ball back) Yeah.
+
+ PLAYER: Thank you.
+
+ The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses his racquet + and
+ bounces away past him.
+
+ ELAINE: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.
+
+ JERRY: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.
+
+ The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy balls in + the
+ background.
+
+ ELAINE: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?
+
+ JERRY: George used up all my guest passes already.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah.
+
+ PLAYER: Ahh.
+
+ A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.
+
+ JERRY: Come on.
+
+ PLAYER: Thank you.
+
+ The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, he
+ removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.
+
+ JERRY: (tossing the ball) Here you go.
+
+ The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see his face. + It's
+ Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.
+
+ JERRY: (disbelief) Milos?
+
+ MILOS: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing?
+
+ Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner as he walks + away
+ from Jerry.
+
+ MILOS: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.
+
+ Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over the net. + He
+ fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry looks + down at
+ his new racquet, thoughtfully.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and are putting
+ their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.
+
+ ELAINE: So he was bad. What d'you care?
+
+ JERRY: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he + said
+ it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with + a log.
+
+ The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit and tie.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's + gonna
+ set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.
+
+ ELAINE: The executor? Of what?
+
+ JERRY: Kramer wants to die with dignity.
+
+ ELAINE: There's a feather in your cap.
+
+ KRAMER: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps
+ fingers)
+
+ The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.
+
+ GEORGE: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.
+
+ JERRY: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?
+
+ GEORGE: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I + bet I
+ can get him to try that line again.
+
+ ELAINE: Who's Reilly?
+
+ JERRY: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey,
+ George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'
+
+ Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile and laugh.
+
+ GEORGE: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store
+ called. They're running outta you.'
+
+ George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, + with
+ varying levels of confusion in their expressions.
+
+ GEORGE: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
+
+ ELAINE: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got + some
+ space to rent.'?
+ +
+ Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.
+
+ GEORGE: (confused) What does that mean?
+
+ JERRY: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called.
+ You're due back by six.'
+
+ GEORGE: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
+
+ KRAMER: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
+
+ GEORGE: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.
+
+ KRAMER: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how
+ would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...
+
+ GEORGE: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate
+ writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and + it
+ all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with + jerk
+ store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!
+
+ George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer walks + over
+ and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's old
+ racquet on a stool.
+
+ KRAMER: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) + How
+ are you gonna be the executor of my living will?
+
+ Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.
+
+ KRAMER: (indicating) You see? You can't let go.
+
+ JERRY: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.
+
+ KRAMER: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free + time
+ tomorrow afternoon?
+
+ ELAINE: Me?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted
+ businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind
+ stomping on a few throats.
+
+ ELAINE: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.
+
+
+ [Lawyer's Office]
+
+ Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach the lawyer,
+ who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. Kramer + looks
+ nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.
+
+ SHELLBACH: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're
+ conscious, but with no muscular function.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, would I be able to communicate?
+
+ SHELLBACH: I don't see how.
+
+ ELAINE: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one.
+
+ KRAMER: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.
+
+ ELAINE: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower.
+
+ SHELLBACH: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no
+ central nervous system.
+
+ Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
+
+ SHELLBACH: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube.
+
+ KRAMER: Naw, that's not my style.
+
+ ELAINE: Bore-ing.
+
+ SHELLBACH: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else.
+
+ KRAMER: (hesitant) Uhm...
+
+ Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods.
+
+ ELAINE: I'd stick.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee
+ shop.
+
+ ELAINE: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.
+
+
+ [New York Health & Racquet Club]
+
+ A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the counter + to be
+ met by a nervous and apologetic Milos.
+
+ JERRY: Hello Milos.
+
+ MILOS: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming + down
+ here. Uhm, listen...
+
+ JERRY: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because
+ I thought you knew what you were talking about.
+
+ MILOS: I..I...
+
+ JERRY: You can't even play.
+
+ MILOS: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my
+ business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership + of the
+ club? Free. No charge.
+
+ JERRY: You could do that?
+
+ MILOS: Jerry, for you, anything.
+
+ Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. Jerry
+ looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman who's
+ trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking rueful.
+
+ JERRY: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?
+
+ MILOS: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no + way
+ they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything + at
+ all. I refund your money.
+
+ JERRY: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. + I
+ just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...
+
+ MILOS: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you.
+
+ JERRY: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me.
+
+ Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the beautiful + woman,
+ he speaks.
+
+ JERRY: Tennis, anyone?
+
+ The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos looks + after
+ him, worried.
+
+
+ [Champagne Video]
+
+ Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. Elaine picks + a
+ video off the 'Vincent' rack.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning.
+ (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred
+ and ninety-two minutes?
+
+ KRAMER: That's a lotta yearning, huh?
+
+ ELAINE: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally
+ exhausting.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx.
+
+ ELAINE: Really?
+
+ KRAMER: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? + (pulls
+ down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, + that's
+ an hilarious premise.
+
+ ELAINE: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well...
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box)
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, I could use a chuckle.
+
+ Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward the counter
+ with the Bernie's tape.
+
+ KRAMER: (approving) Yeah.
+
+ ELAINE: What're you getting?
+
+ + KRAMER: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh. How much you got left?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, about two hours.
+
+ Elaine does a double-take at this.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.
+
+
+ [Elaine's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying it.
+
+ ELAINE: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because
+ he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how + long
+ is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!
+
+ The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.
+
+ ELAINE: Hello.
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?
+
+ ELAINE: Vincent?
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we + had
+ something special.
+
+ ELAINE: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind
+ it.
+
+ There is a click as Vincent hangs up.
+
+ ELAINE: Vincent?
+
+
+ [Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]
+
+ The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. George + is
+ stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple of empty
+ seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.
+
+ FRED: Alright, let's get to it.
+
+ GEORGE: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly?
+
+ FRED: Reilly doesn't work here any more.
+
+ GEORGE: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that.
+
+ FRED: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.
+
+ Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. Again,
+ George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful woman
+ from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.
+
+ PATTY: Hello.
+
+ JERRY: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?
+
+ PATTY: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't
+ mind me waiting for you here.
+
+ JERRY: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we + do,
+ uhm, care for a cup of coffee?
+
+ PATTY: Why don't we just go up to your apartment?
+
+ JERRY: (surprised) Alright.
+
+ Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.
+
+ JERRY: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way.
+
+ Jerry turns to follow Patty.

+


+ Transcribed by: (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
+
+ [Kramer's Apartment]
+
+ Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The soundtrack + can
+ be heard from the TV.
+
+ NURSE (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma?
+
+ DOCTOR (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same.
+
+ Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on the couch + to
+ watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.
+
+ DOCTOR (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma.
+
+ Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.
+
+ DOCTOR (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay?
+
+ ALLBRIGHT (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. + Get
+ me a toothbrush.
+
+ Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome of the + movie.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.
+
+ JERRY: So, you play tennis?
+
+ PATTY: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry.
+
+ Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.
+
+ JERRY: Not for me, I love chatting.
+
+ PATTY: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.
+
+ Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's about to + kiss,
+ she breaks away.
+
+ PATTY: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through
+ with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!
+
+ JERRY: Who?
+
+ PATTY: (cries) Milos. My husband!
+
+ JERRY: (shocked) Your husband?!
+
+ Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his hands + up in
+ the air, in a gesture of total disbelief.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story straight.
+ Jerry listens.
+
+ GEORGE: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might + leak
+ out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?
+
+ JERRY: (explanation) He's new around here.
+
+ GEORGE: (hopeful) So, details?
+
+ JERRY: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her.
+
+ GEORGE: Because of society, right?
+
+ JERRY: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting
+ turn out?
+
+ Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the counter.
+
+ GEORGE: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?
+
+ George wanders over into the kitchen.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go.
+
+ George looks in the fridge.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.
+
+ JERRY: You never really had the right comeback, anyway.
+
+ George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.
+
+ GEORGE: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! + Smoked
+ him, I say.
+
+ George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. The door
+ opens and Kramer enters.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie,
+ The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.
+
+ GEORGE: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in
+ frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.
+
+ George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him.
+ +
+ KRAMER: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.
+
+ JERRY: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
+
+ GEORGE (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband?
+
+ KRAMER: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.
+
+ GEORGE (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww.
+
+ KRAMER: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug.
+
+ Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.
+
+
+ [Champagne Video]
+
+ Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing but copies + of a
+ video called Betrayed.
+
+ ELAINE: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I...
+
+ Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole + coma
+ thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.
+
+ ELAINE: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?
+
+ The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.
+
+ MANAGER: Excuse me.
+ <img src="http://tinyurl.com/2rau"> +
+ The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces it + with
+ another name.
+
+ ELAINE: What're you doing?
+
+ The manager walks back to behind the counter.
+
+ ELAINE: Wha..wha...?
+
+ MANAGER: Vincent stopped making picks.
+
+ ELAINE: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?
+
+ MANAGER: We have a wide variety of Gene picks.
+
+ ELAINE: (dismissive) Gene's trash.
+
+ MANAGER: I'm Gene.
+
+ Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his eyebrows.
+
+ ELAINE: (forcing a smile) Hi.
+
+
+ [New York Health & Racquet Club]
+
+ A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about
+ your unbelievably bad tennis playing.
+
+ MILOS: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger
+ problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.
+
+ JERRY: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.
+
+ MILOS: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would
+ you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can + show
+ her I am still a man.
+
+ JERRY: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls + around.
+ I mean, I wanna be a man too.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth.
+
+ JERRY: So you hurt Vincent's feelings?
+
+ ELAINE: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.
+
+ JERRY: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
+
+ Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his palm.
+
+ ELAINE: It's the play button, off his VCR.
+
+ JERRY: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like + a
+ tooth.
+
+ George enters and strolls over to the booth.
+
+ GEORGE: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working
+ for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
+
+ ELAINE: Ohio?
+
+ GEORGE: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.
+
+ JERRY: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?
+
+ GEORGE: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect
+ as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.
+
+ ELAINE: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, + is
+ all.
+
+ GEORGE: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will
+ appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead
+ mass audience!
+
+ George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over at him, + and
+ has heard his shouts.
+
+ GEORGE: (waving apologetically) Not you.
+
+
+ [Elaine's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess is it's + The
+ Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.
+
+ OLD WOMAN (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain.
+
+ The phone rings and Elaine picks up.
+
+ ELAINE: Hello.
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent.
+
+ ELAINE: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet + you.
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me.
+
+ ELAINE: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does.
+ You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's
+ have a look at you.
+
+ VINCENT (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things + from
+ the store? I haven't been out in a while.
+
+
+ [Kramer's Car]
+
+ Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic stacked + up
+ behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer is hunched
+ over the steering wheel, looking nervous.
+
+ KRAMER: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch + of
+ crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.
+
+
+ [Lawyer's Office]
+
+ Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.
+
+ SECRETARY: Hi, can I help you?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to + annul
+ my living will.
+
+ SECRETARY: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty
+ appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's + gone
+ for the day.
+
+ Kramer looks anxious again.
+
+
+ [Tennis Club]
+
+ Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are watched + by a
+ small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak underarm
+ serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting his racquet
+ vaguely in the direction of the ball.
+
+ JERRY: Too good.
+
+ MILOS: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha!
+ +
+ Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: You're on fire today.
+
+ MILOS: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful!
+
+ Patty blows Milos a kiss.
+
+ MILOS: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married + like I
+ am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.
+
+ JERRY: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could
+ you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?
+
+ MILOS: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me + to
+ ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly)
+ Hahaha!
+
+ Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking rueful.
+
+
+ [Outside Vincent's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She reads numbers
+ off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, flicks + her
+ hair a little, and knocks at the door.
+
+ ELAINE: Hello? Vincent?
+
+ The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, so + the
+ occupant can't be seen.
+
+ VINCENT: Elaine?
+
+ ELAINE: I got what you asked.
+
+ VINCENT: Just, leave it and go.
+
+ ELAINE: W..well, can't I come in?
+
+ VINCENT: No. Go away. Now.
+

+

Transcribed by: (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site

+


+ Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.
+
+ ELAINE: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) + I
+ just, I know you feel what I feel.
+
+ A woman comes up behind Elaine.
+
+ WOMAN: Excuse me. Can I help you?
+
+ VINCENT: Aw, dammit!
+
+ ELAINE: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent.
+
+ WOMAN: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here?
+
+ The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing there.
+ Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws his + hands
+ up to cover his face.
+
+ VINCENT: (shrieks) No, my acne!
+
+ Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is open-mouthed
+ in surprise.
+
+ ELAINE: Ahh-cnee.
+
+ WOMAN: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here?
+
+ Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage through + the
+ contents.
+
+ WOMAN: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind + of a
+ sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?
+
+ ELAINE: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies.
+
+ WOMAN: Did he send you part of our VCR?
+
+ Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her neck. Threaded
+ onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah.
+
+ Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain over her + head
+ and hands it over.
+
+ WOMAN: (entering the apartment) Vincent!
+
+ Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of vodka. + She
+ drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging the + bottle
+ like a club.
+
+
+ [Tennis Club]
+
+ Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the game, and
+ Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight into the + court
+ in front of himself.
+
+ MILOS: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. + (to
+ Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you + to
+ be changed. (laughter) Hahah.
+
+ Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks angry at + this
+ constant derision.
+
+ JERRY: (quietly) I told you to cut it out.
+
+ Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits him in + the
+ face.
+
+ MILOS: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience)
+ Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.
+
+ Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and looks around + for
+ someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving machine.
+
+ KRAMER: (waving) Shellbach.
+
+ Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk round the + room
+ to get to him.
+
+ Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos stretches
+ desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. The
+ racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted by Kramer.
+
+ KRAMER: Racquet.
+
+ The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is operating + the
+ automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious + and,
+ as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point at Kramer.
+ Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at him. Several
+ balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps,
+ unconscious, to the floor.
+
+
+ [Insert]
+
+ Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.
+
+
+ [Firestone Boardroom, Akron]
+
+ A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone sign + on
+ the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, and George,
+ who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.
+
+ REILLY: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium?
+
+ GEORGE: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field.
+ (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought
+ enough for everybody.
+
+ MCADAM: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole + lot
+ of sense.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many + I can
+ fit in my mouth.
+
+ George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his + mouth.
+
+ REILLY: (leaning forward) You know, George...
+
+ George looks up, expectantly.
+
+ REILLY: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
+
+ Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. + He
+ swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.
+ +
+ GEORGE: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called.
+ They're running outta you
+
+ REILLY: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best
+ seller!
+
+ Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. George + looks
+ angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, then something
+ occurs to him.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
+
+ George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But there + is a
+ deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam stands + and
+ leans over to speak in George's ear.
+
+ MCADAM: His wife is in a coma.
+
+ George looks sick.
+
+
+ [Hospital Room]
+
+ Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a newspaper.
+ There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.
+
+ ELAINE: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?
+
+ JERRY: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. + I got
+ him a Gene pick.
+
+ JERRY: What happened to Vincent?
+
+ ELAINE: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet?
+
+ Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.
+
+ ELAINE: Ah.
+
+ Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold of one + of
+ the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt wakes
+ Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding the + plug,
+ as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed and shrieks
+ in terror.
+
+ KRAMER: (screaming) Waahhh!!!
+
+
+ [Insert]
+
+ A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.
+
+
+ [George's Car]
+
+ Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.
+
+ GEORGE: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called
+ and...
+
+ He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of
+ enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.
+
+ GEORGE: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration)
+ D'ohh!
+
+ George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to + his
+ face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards
+ the airport.
+
+ GEORGE: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just
+ screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!
+
+ [END]

+

 

+

Transcribed by: (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site + + + +
+
+ + + +

 

+ + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+ + Written by: Larry David

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

Broadcasted: November 18, 1992 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Estelle Harris (as Mrs. Costanza),

+

and Jane Leeves (as Marla).

+

 

+

 

+

[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]

+

(Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating + lunch)

+

JERRY: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.

+

ELAINE: Mm-hm.

+

JERRY: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-

+

ELAINE: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me?

+

JERRY: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're + chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think + they would ever consider doing

+

the laundry?

+

ELAINE: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.

+

KRAMER: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, + your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it + off, take it off!

+

(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly + enters. He's in a melancholy state)

+

KRAMER: Hey, Georgie.

+

JERRY AND ELAINE: Hi.

+

(George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)

+

JERRY: (To George) What's the matter?

+

GEORGE: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.

+

JERRY: "Caught" you? Doing what?

+

GEORGE: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..

+

ELAINE: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!

+

GEORGE: (Nods) Uh-huh.

+

KRAMER: (Laughing) She caught you?

+

(Elaine laughs with Kramer)

+

JERRY: Where?

+

GEORGE: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house + to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody + was there - they're supposed

+

to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying + the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through + it..

+

JERRY: "Glamour"?

+

(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)

+

GEORGE: ..So, one thing lead to another..

+

JERRY: So, what did she do?

+

GEORGE: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My + God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started + clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

+

KRMAER: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man..

+

GEORGE: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, + or zip up.

+

JERRY: What did you do?

+

GEORGE: I zipped up!

+

ELAINE: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell?

+

GEORGE: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he + gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!

+

ELAINE: No, I guess you couldn't have..

+

JERRY: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't + think so.

+

ELAINE: (Finishing it off) ..done that.

+

GEORGE: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My + back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

+

ELAINE: (Between chuckles) How is she?

+

GEORGE: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.

+

ELAINE: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.

+

GEORGE: It's not funny, Elaine.

+

ELAINE: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.

+

GEORGE: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of + days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, + why?!".. I said, "Because it's

+

there!"

+

(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)

+

JERRY: "Glamour"?

+

(Elaine laughs)

+

GEORGE: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never + doing.. that , again.

+

ELAINE: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?

+

GEORGE: (Definite) All together.

+

(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)

+

ELAINE: Oh, gimme a break..

+

JERRY: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.

+

KRAMER: Oh, like you're gonna stop?

+

JERRY AND ELAINE: C'mon..

+

GEORGE: You don't think I can?

+

JERRY: No chance.

+

GEORGE: (Daring) You think you could?

+

JERRY: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

+

GEORGE: Care to make it interesting?

+

JERRY: Sure, how much?

+

GEORGE: A hundred dollars.

+

JERRY: (Pointing) You're on.

+

KRAMER: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in + on this. (Clicks his tongue)

+

JERRY: You?

+

KRAMER: Yeah.

+

JERRY: You'll be out before we get the check.

+

ELAINE: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.

+

GEORGE AND JERRY: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..

+

ELAINE: Why?

+

JERRY: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..

+

ELAINE: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) + Why?

+

JERRY: Because you're a woman!

+

ELAINE: So what?

+

JERRY: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.

+

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh.

+

JERRY: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, + uh.. shaving.

+

ELAINE: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.

+

KRAMER: (Making a point) Not everyday.

+

GEORGE: Alright, look, you want to be in?

+

ELAINE: Yeah!

+

GEORGE: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta + put up two-hundred dollars.

+

KRAMER: No, a thousand!

+

ELAINE: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.

+

GEORGE: Alright, you're in for one-fifty.

+

JERRY: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.

+

GEORGE: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?

+

JERRY: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine + slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within + the confines of the honor system.

+

KRAMER: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)

+

(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in + a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!")

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on + the phone with his mother)

+

GEORGE: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I + don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, + I'll see you later. Yes, of course

+

I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the + coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to + see a psychiatrist now. Why?!

+

Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if + everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, + he snorts)

+

JERRY: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?

+

GEORGE: (Defensively) Whatever.

+

(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)

+

JERRY: How is she?

+

GEORGE: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital + to see her tonight.

+

JERRY: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah?

+

ELAINE: It's me.

+

JERRY: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)

+

GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

+

JERRY: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.

+

GEORGE: Oh, the virgin?

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

GEORGE: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?

+

JERRY: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just + waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

+

(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)

+

KRAMER: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across + the street.

+

(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)

+

JERRY: Where?

+

KRAMER: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on + the left?

+

GEORGE: (In awe) Wow!

+

JERRY: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!

+

(All eyes are glued to the woman)

+

GEORGE: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist + colony people..

+

KRAMER: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out + Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts + the door behind him)

+

JERRY: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, + do they eat naked in the dining room?

+

GEORGE: I would imagine it's all naked.

+

JERRY: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?

+

GEORGE: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners + naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One + big nude-a-rama.

+ +

(Elaine enters)

+

ELAINE: Hey.

+

JERRY AND GEORGE: (Only turning back for a second) Hey.

+

ELAINE: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?

+

JERRY: (Over his shoulder) Not me.

+

GEORGE: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me.

+

ELAINE: What're you looking at?

+

JERRY: There's a naked woman across the street.

+

ELAINE: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money + I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, + Joyce, is teaching an aerobics

+

class. I'm gonna go tonight.

+

JERRY: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it + back.

+

ELAINE: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So + then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to + go on the space shuttle. We're goin'

+

to Mars.

+

JERRY: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.

+

GEORGE: Have a good time.

+

(Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and + slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)

+

KRAMER: (Declaring) I'm out!

+

(Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's + mouth is open in shock. A moment passes)

+

ELAINE: What?!

+

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.

+

GEORGE: You're out?!

+

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what?

+

ELAINE: Well, that was fast!

+

JERRY: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You + know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks + out, shutting the door

+

behind him)

+

(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)

+

ELAINE: ..And then there were three.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Hospital room]

+

(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, + is visiting her)

+

ELAINE: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing + better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a + quart of milk, I come home, and find

+

my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!

+

GEORGE: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.

+

ESTELLE: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't + hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.

+

GEORGE: Ma, people can hear you.

+

ESTELLE: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. + You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square + Garden. Thousands of

+

people could watch you! You could be a big star!

+

GEORGE: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!

+

ESTELLE: I want you to go see a psychiatrist.

+

GEORGE: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!

+

ESTELLE: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?

+

GEORGE: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to.

+

ESTELLE: I want you to go see somebody.

+

GEORGE: Well, I am not going.

+

ESTELLE: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.

+

(George's cousin, Shelly, enters)

+

SHELLY: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen?

+

GEORGE: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police + investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive + the experience now?!

+

(On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely + nurse can be seen entering)

+

NURSE: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.

+

(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)

+

DENISE: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.

+

(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly + affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain)

+

SHELLY: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) + So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, + writing - thing?

+

GEORGE: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the + conversation) Yeah.. television.

+

(The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)

+

NURSE: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your + head..

+

DENISE: Oh.. thank you.

+

SHELLY: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna + wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely + mesmerized)

+

What is it you're doing, exactly?

+

(A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)

+

ESTELLE: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: New York Health Club]

+

(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking + with her friend, Joyce)

+

JOYCE: So, when was the last time you took a class?

+

ELAINE: Oh, it's been a while.

+

JOYCE: (Overly excited) Are you psyched?

+

ELAINE: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.

+

JOYCE: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.

+

ELAINE: Why is that?

+

JOYCE: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See + the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?

+

(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, + she turns back to her friend)

+

ELAINE: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy + Junior's here!

+

JOYCE: He's gonna be in your class today.

+

ELAINE: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's + gonna be in my class?!

+

JOYCE: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great + butt.

+

ELAINE: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's car]

+

(Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. + After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)

+

MARLA: Let's slow it down a little.

+

JERRY: "Slow it down"?

+

MARLA: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..

+

JERRY: Ah, yeah.. I know.

+

MARLA: You're okay with that, right?

+

JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about + the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean + anything to me. (Faint) I don't

+

care about that.

+

MARLA: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?

+

JERRY: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.

+

MARLA: Alright, then. Good night.

+

JERRY: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not + just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]

+

(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to + get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake, + and staring at the ceiling. Cut to

+

Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene + takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)

+

KRAMER: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!

+

JERRY: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning.

+

KRAMER: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns + toward Jerry's window)

+

JERRY: She's not there. She's doin' her wash.

+

KRAMER: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through + the night?

+

JERRY: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!

+

KRAMER: So, you're still master of your domain.

+

JERRY: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my + domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to + the nudist) her apartment, and

+

I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!

+

KRAMER: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?

+

JERRY: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't + sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. + Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in

+

this contest - something's gotta give!

+

KRAMER: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry + puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, + and you want to tell her to

+

stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- + I'm not gonna let you do it.

+

JERRY: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.

+

KRAMER: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This + is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, + looking through our

+

bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman + out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come + true, and you want to (Makes a

+

noise) throw it away?!

+

JERRY: Look, I'm sorry-

+

KRAMER: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.

+

JERRY: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!

+

KRAMER: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my + sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. + Please, Jerry. Please! I'm

+

beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!

+

(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)

+

JERRY: Alright.. (Takes his coat off)

+

KRAMER: Yes!

+

JERRY: ..Alright.

+

KRAMER: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. + (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)

+

JERRY: She's not there!

+

KRAMER: Oh, I can wait..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]

+

(Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)

+

JERRY: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?

+

GEORGE: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then + I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going + nuts.

+

JERRY: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.

+

GEORGE: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..

+

(Jerry nods)

+

JERRY: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?

+

GEORGE: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You?

+

JERRY: Lord of the manor.

+

(Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)

+

ELAINE: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!

+

JERRY: What?

+

ELAINE: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.

+ +

JERRY: Really? Did you talk to him?

+

ELAINE: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in + front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk + to the door so we'd get there at

+

the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of + what he said) "Quite a workout."

+

GEORGE: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?

+

ELAINE: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."

+

JERRY: (Adding, fake praise) Good one.

+

ELAINE: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, + and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) + So we're walkin' and

+

talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - + but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do + you wanna split a cab uptown?"

+

And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. + So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', + right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior

+

we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where + do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, + so I said your building. So he

+

dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the + way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water + and presses it up to her

+

forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..

+

JERRY: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?

+

ELAINE: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a + piece of food into her mouth)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Estelle's hospital room]

+

(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch + and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)

+

ESTELLE: You're back.

+

GEORGE: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's + in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.

+

ESTELLE: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.

+

GEORGE: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?

+

ESTELLE: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. + I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the + deli and get me a

+

sandwich..

+

GEORGE: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A + little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the + divider in anticipation)

+

ESTELLE: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. + I'm weak.

+

GEORGE: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?

+

ESTELLE: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!

+

GEORGE: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a + little time with you.

+

ESTELLE: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting + hours are almost over!

+

GEORGE: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out + of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.

+

ESTELLE: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm + sorry you came.

+

(Nurse enters)

+

NURSE: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath.

+

(George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on + the divider)

+

ESTELLE: George.. I'm huuunnnggry!

+

GEORGE: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: New York Health Club]

+

(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously + looking around for JFK Jr.)

+

JOYCE: Hi!

+

ELAINE: Hi.

+

JOYCE: Did you get your hair done today?

+

ELAINE: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking + around, she quickly checks her breath)

+

JOYCE: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. + (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression + on him yesterday.

+

ELAINE: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an + impression? What impression?

+

JOYCE: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts + away)

+

(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction)

+

ELAINE: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!

+

JOYCE: (Uneasy) He asked about you.

+

ELAINE: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about + me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What + did he say?

+

JOYCE: He wanted to know your situation.

+

ELAINE: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?

+

JOYCE: I-I told him you were single.

+

ELAINE: That was good. That was very good.

+

JOYCE: He said you were just his type.

+

ELAINE: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to + hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt + me.

+

JOYCE: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood + tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your + building if you want to

+

come down and say hello.

+

(Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, + watching TV)

+

JERRY: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm + watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid + shows. They have a very innocent,

+

wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. + (Hangs up)

+

KRAMER: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's + good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. + (Jerry looks back at

+

Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little + bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. + yes, yes, yes..

+

JERRY: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with + the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, + round and round. The

+

wheels on the bus..

+

(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)

+

KRAMER: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, + nothing on..

+

(Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, + trying to over ride the other)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: George's room]

+

(George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry. + Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts + to Kramer - he's out like a light.

+

The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene, + she's sound asleep too)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack + of sex)

+

GEORGE: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real + coffee?

+

JERRY: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the + outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!

+

ELAINE: (Through intercom) It's Elaine.

+

JERRY: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)

+

GEORGE: Where did you get those socks?

+

JERRY: I don't know.

+

GEORGE: I think those are my socks!

+

JERRY: How are these your socks?!

+

GEORGE: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just + like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep + one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They + looked so good to me, I just had to

+

have them!

+

GEORGE: Yeah, well, they're my socks!

+

JERRY: They're my socks!

+

(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)

+

GEORGE: Oh boy..

+

JERRY: What are we doing here..

+

GEORGE: ..Oh boy.

+

JERRY: This is ridiculous.

+

GEORGE: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.

+

JERRY: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.

+

GEORGE: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.

+

(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)

+

ELAINE: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts + to count it up)

+

GEORGE: (Shocked) You caved?!

+

JERRY: It's over?

+

GEORGE: You're out?

+

JERRY: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.

+

(Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)

+

GEORGE: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.

+

JERRY: What happened?

+

ELAINE: It was..uh.. John-John.

+

JERRY AND GEORGE: Ohhhhh.. John-John.

+

JERRY: But you made it through the day before.

+

ELAINE: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, + that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.

+

JERRY: Why outside here?

+

ELAINE: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a + cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.

+

(George picks up the money, counting it)

+

JERRY: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.

+

GEORGE: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.

+

ELAINE: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)

+

MARLA: Let's go in the bedroom.

+

JERRY: Really?

+

MARLA: Yes.

+

JERRY: You sure?

+

MARLA: Yes.

+

JERRY: You really want to?

+

MARLA: I do. I'm ready.

+

JERRY: Okay..

+

MARLA: I know how difficult this must have been for you.

+

JERRY: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.

+

(They both laugh slightly)

+

MARLA: What do you mean?

+

JERRY: Well, it's kinda silly, but..

+

(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks + her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously + upset, is putting her coat

+

on)

+ +

MARLA: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?

+

JERRY: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with + George and his mother-

+

MARLA: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close + I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.

+

(She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs + his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his + chair, staring at the woman)

+

(Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying + to hail a taxi)

+

ELAINE: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-

+

MARLA: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted + friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! + You're horrible.

+

Horrible! All of you!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

ELAINE: What happened?

+

JERRY: I told her about the contest.

+

ELAINE: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.

+

(George enters)

+

GEORGE: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?

+

ELAINE: What?

+

GEORGE: I thought you were meeting Kennedy.

+

ELAINE: (Let down) He didn't show.

+

GEORGE: Yeah, he did.

+

ELAINE: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, + I gotta go..

+

GEORGE: No, no, no. He just left.

+

ELAINE: What?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, he was talking to Marla.

+

JERRY: Marla?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he + was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and + they just drove away.

+

ELAINE: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?

+

GEORGE: Yeah.

+

ELAINE: They drove away?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You + know, he's - he's-

+

JERRY: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!

+

(All three crowd around the window)

+

ELAINE: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?

+

GEORGE: Kramer?!

+

(A brief pause)

+

ELAINE: He's waving..

+

(All three wave back)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Elaine's bedroom]

+

(Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They + too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - + both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's

+

bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)

+

MARLA: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..

+

(Scene ends)

+

END OF SHOW.

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+

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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheConversion.htm b/TheConversion.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ede4ab --- /dev/null +++ b/TheConversion.htm @@ -0,0 +1,826 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Conversion + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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+
+ +
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+ +
+

The Conversion

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

 

+ + Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff

+

Cast:

+

Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)

+

George Costanza Jason Alexander

+

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Drefus

+

Kramer Michael Richards

+

Guest Stars:

+

Older Priest Kay E. Kuter

+

Sister Roberta Molly Hagan

+

Doctor Tom Verica

+

Tawni Kimberley Campbell

+

Sasha Jana Marie Hupp

+

Younger Priest Bill Rose

+

Waiter Randy Brenner

+

Mrs. Lupchek Darlene Kardon

+

Woman Hailing Cab Karen Rizzo

+

----------------------------------------------------------------------

+

At the Comedy Club.

+

Jerry: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. + But

+

it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have + your diploma

+

right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t + it? "I

+

really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check + it out." I don’t

+

know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage + over us all the

+

time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 + minutes, and I’ll

+

give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with + pants on seems

+

like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference + of opinion,

+

pants always beats no-pants.

+

(Commercial)

+

At a restaurant.

+

George: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is +

+

unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.

+

George’s girlfriend (name?): Twenty five dollars.

+

George: Yes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price. + You know

+

you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price. + Get the lobster. I

+

beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.

+

George’s girlfriend: George, George, uh, I think we have to + talk. I think we

+

have a problem.

+

George: We do?

+

George’s girlfriend: We can’t keep seeing each other.

+

George: Why?

+

George’s girlfriend: (crying) Because it’s over. *sob, + sob, sob* It’s my

+

parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever + forgive me?

+

*sob*

+

Waiter: Uh, have you decided yet?

+

George’s girlfriend: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster.

+

George: Um, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster + isn’t the way

+

to go.

+

The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.

+

Jerry: Then he asked you out?

+

Elaine: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then + he put his

+

hand on my heart.

+

Jerry: On your heart?

+

Elaine: Jerry, the man is a doctor.

+

Jerry: Doctor? He’s a podiatrist.

+

Elaine: It’s the same thing.

+

Jerry: Anyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry +

+

school.

+

Elaine: Really?

+

Jerry’s girlfriend (name?): Hello.

+

Jerry: Oh hi.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: Are you going to be stopping by later?

+

Jerry: Yes, I’ll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well + we can’t all

+

be dating podiatrists.

+

They enter Jerry’s apartment.

+

George: It’s over.

+

Elaine: What?

+

Jerry: How did you get in?

+

George: Kramer.

+

Elaine: What’s that?

+

George: Lobster.

+

Jerry: Looks like a swan.

+

George: She says we can’t go out anymore.

+

Elaine: Why?

+

George: Because I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t + let her get

+

involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.

+

Elaine: Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.

+

Jerry: She’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.

+

George: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s + not

+

entirely true.

+

Elaine: Mmm, delicious.

+

Jerry: Mmm, succulent.

+

George: She knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at + home. Didn’t seem

+

to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.

+

Elaine: Why don’t you just ask her parents?

+

George: I can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know, + In the cab on the

+

way over here, I actually thought about converting.

+

Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?

+

George: Why not? What do I care?

+

Jerry: You know it’s not like changing toothpaste.

+

Elaine: I think it would be romantic.

+

George: Really?

+

Elaine: Yeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne + and marrying

+

Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.

+

George: King Edward. King Edward, Jerry.

+

Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank + and Estelle

+

Costanza.

+

George: You know what? I could probably do this. What’s the + difference.

+

Elaine: George I was just kidding around.

+

George: No. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise + her.

+

Elaine: George I wasn’t serious.

+

George: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have + a

+

ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to + think about

+

this.

+

George leaves.

+

Elaine: I guess this one is my fault.

+

Jerry: Oh yeah.

+

At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have + you always

+

been such a good kisser?

+

Jerry: Oh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work + at it. When I

+

was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my + room

+

practicing my kissing.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: Well it was worth it. *kiss* I’ll + be *kiss* right *kiss*

+

back *kiss*. Where are you going?

+

Jerry: To wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: Meet you back here?

+

Jerry: Right there.

+

Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.

+

He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.

+

Jerry: (thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus?

+

At Monk’s.

+

Jerry: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?

+

Elaine: I don’t know.

+

Kramer: Fungus.

+

Elaine: So what did you say?

+

Jerry: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I + had to go

+

home.

+

Elaine: What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?

+

Jerry: I didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.

+

Elaine: You were snooping.

+

Jerry: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was + no breaking

+

and entering. I wouldn’t do that.

+

Kramer: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.

+

Elaine: Well I trust people not to do that.

+

Kramer: Big mistake.

+

Jerry: Why don’t you ask that doctor what it is?

+

Elaine: What? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.

+

Jerry: But that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. + They’re knee-

+

deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.

+

Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.

+

Kramer: Fungi.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Kramer: Fungi.

+ +

In the priest’s office.

+

[boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode… ;) ]

+

Father-priest (name?): Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox + faith?

+

George: *ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man + begins to ask

+

himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words + something

+

so um… (trying to think of a word)

+

Father-priest: Enigmatic?

+

George: No.

+

Father-priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")

+

George: No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")

+

Father-priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.

+

George: Yes.

+

Father-priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find + particularly

+

attractive?

+

George: (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn + religious

+

look you want in a faith. Very pious.

+

Father-priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?

+

George: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know + the basic

+

plot. Yeah.

+

Father-priest: Plot?

+

George: Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and + the

+

commandments and all that.

+

Father-priest 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in + your desire.

+

George: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, + am I in?

+

Father-priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself + with these

+

texts (brings out a pile of books).

+

George: Ah hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious + to become a

+

member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion? + A quick

+

change?

+

Sister Roberta enters.

+

Sister Roberta: Oh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting + in the chapel.

+

Father-priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. + He

+

is interested in joining the church.

+

Sister Roberta: Oh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck + to you.

+

George: Nice nun.

+

Father-priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we + call a

+

novice.

+

Father-priest 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until + next Thursday.

+

In the chapel.

+

Sister Roberta: May I help you?

+

Kramer: Oh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.

+

Sister Roberta: Well he’s in with the Father.

+

Kramer: Oh yeah.

+

Sister Roberta: I’m Sister Roberta.

+

Kramer: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.

+

Sister Roberta: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)

+

At Jerry’s apartment.

+

George: I can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually + Orthodox. All I have

+

to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m + in the club.

+

Jerry: That’s all there is to it.

+

George: That’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will + be Brother

+

Costanza.

+

Jerry: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother + Costanza?

+

George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

+

Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.

+

Jerry: Oh a slinky. Where did you get it?

+

Kramer: Sister Roberta gave it to me.

+

Jerry: Why did she give you that?

+

Kramer: I think she liked me.

+

Jerry: What do you mean she liked you?

+

Kramer: *Liked* me.

+

George: Kramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.

+

Kramer: No. I think I picked up on a vibe.

+

Jerry: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.

+

Kramer: Yeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And + I have no control

+

over it.

+

Kramer leaves.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.

+

Jerry: Oh hi.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: I just wanted to stop by and see how you + were feeling.

+

Jerry: (weakly) A little better. *fake cough*

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: If you need anything let me know.

+

Jerry: Okay. All right bye.

+

George: Story.

+

Jerry: She’s subletting Carol’s place for a month.

+

George: She likes you.

+

Jerry: Yeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide + in her

+

medicine cabinet.

+

George: So?

+

Jerry: So I don’t know what she’s using it for.

+

George: Well how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged + to Carol.

+

Did you see a name on the tube?

+

Jerry: I didn’t even think to look.

+

George: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.

+

Jerry: Yeah.

+

George: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.

+

Jerry: Yeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.

+

George: I still have brill cream.

+

At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.

+

Jerry knocks on the door

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: Hi.

+

Jerry: Hi. Can I use your bathroom?

+

At the doctor’s apartment.

+

Elaine: You sure you don’t mind?

+

Doctor (name?): No of course not. People ask me medical questions + all the

+

time.

+

Elaine: Well the question isn’t even for me it’s for + a friend.

+

Doctor: Elaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.

+

Elaine: Well… podiatrist.

+

Doctor: Huh?

+

Elaine: No no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to + medical school, you

+

went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in + it’s own way.

+

Doctor: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose + to work with

+

feet.

+

Elaine: I like feet too. I’m just saying…

+

Doctor: Saying what?

+

In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.

+

She knocks on the bathroom door.

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: How are you doing in there?

+

Jerry: Fine all done, just looking for the soap.

+

Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: No soap?

+

Jerry: No I don’t see it.

+

Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s + girlfriend

+

enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of + fungicide in

+

his pocket.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.

+

At George’s parent’s house.

+

George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Estelle: George what are you doing in there?

+

George: What? Nothing.

+

Frank: You’ve been in there an hour.

+

Estelle: You don’t feel well?

+

George: I’m fine.

+

Estelle: I want to know what you’re doing in there.

+

George: Nothing.

+

Frank: George, open the door.

+

George: No.

+

Estelle: Georgie.

+

George: No!

+

At Kramer’s apartment.

+

Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

Sister Roberta: Good evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you, + but I found

+

another toy I thought you might like.

+

(Commercial)

+

At Jerry’s Apartment.

+

Jerry: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll + need that in the

+

form of a question.

+

George: I don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making + me take this test.

+

Elaine enters.

+

Jerry: Hey, did you talk to the doctor?

+

Elaine: No.

+

Jerry: All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He + presents the

+

bottle of fungicide.)

+

Elaine: You *took* her medicine.

+

Jerry: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the + tube. When

+

are you seeing him again?

+

Elaine: I don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how + podiatrists

+

aren’t real doctors.

+

Jerry: How could you say that?

+

Elaine: It’s you fault. You just got me thinking.

+

Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.

+

Elaine: I’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.

+

Jerry: Me too.

+

Elaine: Do you think I should call him and apologize?

+

Jerry: Yes. He’s a doctor.

+

Elaine starts to leave.

+ +

Jerry: Wait a second.

+

Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.

+

Jerry: (to George) What are you doing?

+

George: What does it look like I’m doing?

+

Jerry: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, + Luke, Paul", what

+

you’re cheating on your conversion chest?

+

Kramer enters.

+

Kramer: I told you.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Kramer: I told you she liked me.

+

Jerry: Who?

+

Kramer: Sister Roberta.

+

Jerry: How do you know?

+

Kramer: She told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up + all of these

+

feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s + thinking of

+

leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry, + I’m very very

+

dangerous.

+

At the priest’s office.

+

Father-priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the + results of

+

your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive +

+

performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.

+

George: Oh, I’m I’m full of it Father.

+

Father-priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)… + Kramer

+

…(mumble)…

+

Father-priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something + has come up.

+

George: Oh, I understand.

+

Kramer enters.

+

Kramer: Um, you wanted to see me Father?

+

Father-priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see + me

+

yesterday.

+

Kramer: I know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything. + I just

+

spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just + that, that I have

+

this power.

+

Father-priest: Yes. Kavorka.

+

[I wouldn’t mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ]

+

Kramer: Kavorka?

+

Father-priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure + of the animal".

+

Kramer: I don’t understand.

+

Father-priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything + to be

+

possessed by you.

+

Kramer: Help me Father. Help me.

+

Father-priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. + I want you

+

to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…

+

The hallway by Jerry’s apartment.

+

Jerry: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to + Kramer’s

+

door) Ah hah.

+

*knock, knock, knock*

+

Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his + neck.

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?

+

Kramer: I’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.

+

Jerry: The Kavorka? What’s that?

+

Kramer: The lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.

+

Jerry: What is this thing around your neck?

+

Kramer: The priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.

+

Jerry: You know you’re funcifying the whole building.

+

Kramer: Keep away Jerry. Keep away.

+

He closes his door.

+

Jerry: Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.

+

At the entrance of the church. There is a sign there. It reads:

+

+---------------------+

+

| CONVERSION CEREMONY |

+

| FOR |

+

| GEORGE COSTANZA |

+

| 3:P.M. |

+

| |

+

| |

+

| |

+

+---------------------+

+

The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.

+

A woman reads the sign.

+

Woman: George Costanza? Estelle’s son?

+

At George’s parent’s house.

+

Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?

+

George: For a woman.

+

Frank: A woman? What are you out of your mind?

+

Estelle: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?

+

Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?

+

George: No it’s a regular religion.

+

Frank: I’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to + get out of this.

+

George: I don’t want to get out of it.

+

Estelle: George, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re + under their

+

control.

+

Frank: What, they brainwashed you?

+

George: No no.

+

Frank: You’re not performing any rituals in this house.

+

Estelle: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.

+

Frank: And stay away from those squirrels.

+

At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: Oh how you doing Jerry?

+

Jerry: Good. What’s the matter?

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night + with all this

+

scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.

+

Jerry: Bonkers?

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: My cat. He’s got this weird sort + of skin condition.

+

Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.

+

Jerry: Oh it’s your cat!

+

Jerry’s girlfriend: What?

+

Jerry: Ooh, nothing.

+

At the church.

+

Father-priest: Are you ready my son?

+

George: Yes faddah.

+

Father-priest: What did you say?

+

George: What?

+

Father-priest: I thought you said faddah.

+

George: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.

+

Outside on a sidewalk.

+

A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.

+

Kramer: How you doing?

+

Woman: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)

+

Kramer: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got + time to catch

+

her.

+

At the church. It is George’s conversion ceremony.

+

Church music plays.

+

George is dressed in a white church gown.

+

He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.

+

Father-priest says some Latvian words.

+

Kramer is running down the street going to the church.

+

The church music is still playing.

+

George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. + He makes a

+

hand motion on his gown.

+

Kramer is still running to the church.

+

The church music is still playing.

+

Father-priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister + Roberta

+

would you please offer the final benediction.

+

Sister Roberta: (hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m + sorry. It’s a

+

beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something + else.

+

Kramer enters the church.

+

Sister Roberta: Him.

+

Crowd: Kavorka, Kavorka.

+

At Elaine’s apartment.

+

Elaine: *kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I’m a big fan + of the foot.

+

Doctor: Well it’s my fault. I got a little defensive.

+

Elaine: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie + toe.

+

Doctor: It’s my favorite toe.

+

Elaine: Let’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? + You’re not

+

going to the ear guy.

+

Doctor: No you’re not.

+

*phone rings*

+

Elaine: I’ll be right back.

+

Doctor: Oh uh, where’s the bathroom?

+

Elaine: It’s right down here to the left. I will meet you + right back here.

+

Jerry: Elaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need + the tube

+

back.

+

The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom.

+

He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.

+

Doctor: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?

+

At the church.

+

Sister Roberta: Something’s wrong. I don’t feel the same + lure.

+

Kramer: You don’t?

+

Sister Roberta: What have I…? I must return to the church. + By the way you

+

really need to take a bath. You stink.

+

Kramer: Yeah yeah.

+

(Commercial)

+

At Monk’s

+

George’s girlfriend: For me?

+

George: Well I didn’t do it for my mother.

+

George’s girlfriend: I’m really flattered. But I just + don’t feel ready to

+

make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.

+

George: Latvia?

+

George’s girlfriend: Yes. I’m going to stay with some + relatives there for a

+

year. Isn’t it great?

+

George: Enjoy, enjoy.

+

George’s girlfriend: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t + ever change.

+

George: I’d like a doggie bag for this please.

+ +

The End. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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+

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+
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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheCouch.html b/TheCouch.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35719d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/TheCouch.html @@ -0,0 +1,1147 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfled Scripts - The Couch + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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The Couch

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +


+ Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 27, 2002.
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
+ (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits + as two lines above are included - Thanks)

+

SEINFELD Episode no. 91 "The Couch" (Original air date 27 Oct + 1994)
+
+ Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Larry David.
+
+ Guest stars: Reni Santoni (Poppie)
+     David James Elliott (Carl)
+     Robert Hooks (Joe)
+     Denise Dowse (Joe's wife)
+     Diana Theodore (Remy)
+     Patton Oswald (Video store clerk)
+     Jessica Hecht (Marie)
+     Mari Weiss (Woman no. 1)
+     Tamar Cooper (Woman no. 2)
+ Beverly C. Brown (Woman no. 3)
+     Jeris Lee Poindexter (Moving guy)
+
+
+ Jerry's stand-up: The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I + guess some guy
+ thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just + shorten the
+ furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is + very flattering to
+ the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious + deadbeat
+ with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I + mean, it goes back
+ so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! + You're wiped!'
+
+
+ Opening scene - Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping + for a new couch.
+
+ JERRY: So, she got you to join a book club?
+
+ GEORGE: I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.
+
+ JERRY: Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. + <Sits on a couch.> Hey, what about this one?
+
+ GEORGE: Nah, I don't like that one.
+
+ JERRY: So, what's your first book?
+
+ GEORGE: "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. <Waves a hand + like it's nothing.>
+
+ JERRY: It's kinda old, isn't it?
+
+ GEORGE: They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.
+
+ JERRY (standing): Oh, sure...Truman Capote.
+
+ GEORGE: He's a great writer.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, yeah.
+
+ GEORGE: Did you ever read anything by him?
+
+ JERRY: No. You?
+
+ GEORGE: Nah.
+
+ JERRY (sees a white couch by the wall): Oh, what about this one? Look + at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. <Sits on the couch.> + Oh, yeah!
+
+
+ New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are + delivering Jerry's new couch.
+
+ ELAINE: Hey, what's going on?
+
+ JERRY: New couch, baby!
+
+ ELAINE: New couch? Why?
+
+ JERRY: I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It + doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.
+
+ <Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they + pick up Jerry's old couch.>
+
+ ELAINE (to Carl, flirtatiously): Hello.
+
+ CARL: Hello.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, let me get the door for you. <They carry the couch out + the door.> Ooh, be careful!
+
+ JERRY: Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of + a kind, they stopped making it.
+
+ ELAINE: What are you doing with your old couch?
+
+ JERRY: Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, I'll take it.
+
+ JERRY: Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.
+
+ ELAINE: Yes, they can. <Kramer enters.>
+
+ KRAMER: Hey! Couch is comin.'
+
+ JERRY: It's here!
+
+ KRAMER: Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, + I feel like I'm getting a new couch.
+
+ JERRY (nonplussed): Yeah. So do I.
+
+ KRAMER: Ooh! Remember Poppie?
+
+ JERRY: Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember + that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your + own pizza?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ ELAINE: What was that again?
+
+ KRAMER: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the + dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into + the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds + good, huh?
+
+ ELAINE (in a southern accent): Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and + make mah own pie!
+
+ JERRY: What made you resurrect that old idea?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the + "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, + he wants to back it.
+
+ ELAINE: I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
+
+ JERRY: I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?
+
+ KRAMER: That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine + just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got + a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.
+
+ ELAINE: Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You + know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, Kramer, I -
+
+ <Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought + in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the + couch in the same spot as the old one.>
+
+ JERRY: Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?
+
+ ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.
+
+ JERRY: Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.
+
+ CARL (hands Jerry an invoice): Sign here.
+
+ ELAINE (to Carl): Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if + you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.
+
+ CARL: Sure.
+
+ ELAINE: 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?
+ +
+ CARL: Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you + chumps later. <Elaine and Carl exit.>
+
+ KRAMER: Did you offer those guys a drink?
+
+ JERRY: Uh, no. Should I have?
+
+ KRAMER: What kind of a person are you?
+
+ JERRY: I don't know.
+
+
+ New scene - George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."
+
+ GEORGE: Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." <Begins to read, + but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. + George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, + and doesn't start the book.>
+
+
+ New scene - Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.
+
+ ELAINE: So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he + says, "Do you date moving men?"
+
+ JERRY: Ah ha...
+
+ ELAINE: You wanna know what I said?
+
+ JERRY: I can't wait.
+
+ ELAINE: "I do now."
+
+ JERRY: Clever.
+
+ ELAINE: Is that something?
+
+ JERRY: Yes.
+
+ ELAINE: Is that something?
+
+ JERRY: You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, + I didn't offer them anything to drink.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.
+
+ JERRY: So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?
+
+ ELAINE: Yes.
+
+ JERRY: Well, would you apologize for me? <Elaine nods. Poppie comes + out of the kitchen.>
+
+ POPPIE: Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! <Puts his hand out.>
+
+ JERRY (clearly creeped out by having to shake Poppie's hand): Hello, Poppie. + This is Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: Nice to meet you, Poppie.
+
+ POPPIE: Let me show you to your table. <Leads Jerry and Elaine to the + table.> Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!
+
+ JERRY: Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together. +
+
+ POPPIE: Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, + I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.
+
+ ELAINE: Well, your mother must be very proud of you.
+
+ POPPIE: My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle + of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, + where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she + was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some + bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.
+
+ JERRY: So, what's good tonight?
+
+
+ Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns + off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast + At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine.
+
+
+ Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.
+
+ ELAINE: Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food + ordered in advance before.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.
+
+ ELAINE: Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's. +
+
+ JERRY: Why not?
+
+ ELAINE: Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, + anti-abortion groups.
+
+ JERRY: So, you won't eat the pizza?
+
+ ELAINE: No way.
+
+ JERRY: Really.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?
+
+ ELAINE: Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
+
+ JERRY: Really!
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah. That's right.
+
+ JERRY: Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have + a word? <Poppie comes over.>
+
+ POPPIE: Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than + even I had hoped.
+
+ JERRY: Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion + issue?
+
+ POPPIE: When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...
+
+ JERRY: Oh, boy.
+
+ POPPIE: ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue + there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.
+
+ ELAINE (offended): Well...Poppie. I think differently.
+
+ POPPIE: And what gives you the right to do that?
+
+ ELAINE (standing up): The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! + Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
+
+ WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE (to her date): I heard that. Let's go, Henry.
+
+ HENRY: But we just got here...
+
+ WOMAN AT ANOTHER TABLE: I'm with you, Poppie!
+
+ WOMAN AT YET ANOTHER TABLE (to her date): Let's go!
+
+ ELAINE (to Poppie): And I am not coming back!
+
+ POPPIE: You're not welcome!
+
+ JERRY: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. <Gets up and leaves.>
+
+
+ New scene - Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.
+
+ JERRY: Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.
+
+ GEORGE: I'm sorry I missed it.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty + much all my fault. <Jerry smiles. George laughs.> So, how's the + book coming? <George's laughs taper off...> I say, how's the book + comin'?
+
+ GEORGE: Oh...pretty good.
+
+ JERRY: So, what's it about?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
+
+ JERRY: Holly Go-Lightly.
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, she's quite a character.
+
+ JERRY: Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?
+
+ GEORGE: No.
+
+ JERRY: Big surprise.
+
+ GEORGE: I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very + hard to concentrate.
+
+ JERRY: You're not very bright, are you?
+
+ GEORGE: No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna + do? The book club meets in a few days.
+
+ JERRY: Why don't you rent the movie?
+
+ GEORGE: 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, + now I'm relieved. <Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.>
+
+ KRAMER (scanning a menu): So...how was the dinner last night?
+
+ JERRY: Oh...well...
+ +
+ KRAMER: Did you enjoy the duck? <Elaine comes back from the bathroom.> + Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.
+
+ ELAINE (sitting down): Oh...well...
+
+ KRAMER: Alright, what did you do to Poppie?
+
+ ELAINE: Nothing.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.
+
+ ELAINE: What's wrong with him?
+
+ KRAMER: I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. <angrily> + It would be nice if you got him something. <Punches the the table to + accentuate this, and leaves.>
+
+ JERRY: We should get him something.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah. You're right.
+
+
+ New scene - Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.
+
+ ELAINE: Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo + for a year? And I shampoo every day. <Carl smiles.> So, what do + you think of my conversation?
+
+ CARL: Not much! <They both laugh.> I, uh, would have invited you + up, but I don't have any furniture.
+
+ ELAINE: You don't have any furniture?
+
+ CARL: No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. <They laugh again.>
+
+ ELAINE: Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?
+
+ CARL: Yeah! No heavy lifting. <Elaine and Carl look into each others + eyes, then kiss.>
+
+
+ New scene - Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a + bench outside.
+
+ KRAMER: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to + you, and they wanted you to have this.
+
+ POPPIE (opening the gift basket): What's this? A bottle of wine and a + five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!
+
+ KRAMER: Why, what...?
+
+ POPPIE: Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would + have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is + a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, we're not very close.
+
+ POPPIE: They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?
+
+ POPPIE: Oh, very good ducks.
+
+
+ New scene - Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.
+
+ ELAINE: I'm in looove!
+
+ JERRY: Whoa!
+
+ ELAINE: This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! + He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!
+
+ JERRY: Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?
+
+ ELAINE: No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You + know? There are no games! <Sits down on the couch.>
+
+ JERRY: No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you + know if you're winning or losing?
+
+ ELAINE (putting on lipstick): Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games + and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.
+
+ JERRY: Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
+
+ ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face): What?
+
+ JERRY: What is his stand...on abortion?
+
+ ELAINE: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
+
+ JERRY: How do you know?
+
+ ELAINE: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
+
+ JERRY: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming + over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
+
+
+ New scene - George at a video store counter.
+
+ GEORGE: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
+
+ CLERK (checking the computer): Uh, this is out. Someone has it.
+
+ GEORGE: Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones + that have had it.
+
+ CLERK: Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.
+
+ GEORGE: Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
+
+ CLERK: Oh, sorry. We can't do that.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.
+
+ CLERK: I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.
+
+ <The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. + George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at + the information on his computer monitor.>
+
+
+ Commercial break.
+
+ New scene - George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast + At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.
+
+ VOICE ON INTERCOM: Yes?
+
+ GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
+
+ INTERCOM: Yes.
+
+ GEORGE: Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did + you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
+
+
+ New scene - Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, what's happenin.'
+
+ KRAMER: Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. + I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.
+
+ JERRY: You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. <Poppie + enters.>
+
+ JERRY: Okay. Hi, Poppie.
+
+ POPPIE: Hello.
+
+ JERRY: I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.
+
+ POPPIE: That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my + way.
+
+ JERRY: Okay. I'll get it. <Goes into the bedroom.>
+
+ KRAMER: Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. <Poppie + moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.> + What, are you tired, Poppie?
+
+ POPPIE: No.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?
+
+ POPPIE: Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother -
+
+ JERRY (comes out of the bedroom with Poppie's money): Here you go. <Poppie + stands up and takes the money.> Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...<notices + a large, wet stain on his couch>...the...the...
+
+ POPPIE: The what? <Looks at Kramer, and exits.>
+
+ JERRY: ...the...the...
+
+ KRAMER (to Poppie): So long. I'll see you tonight.
+
+ JERRY (frantic): Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!
+
+ KRAMER: What is what?
+
+ JERRY: This puddle on my sofa!
+
+ KRAMER: What puddle?
+
+ JERRY (points): That puddle! <Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.> +
+
+ KRAMER: I don't know.
+
+ JERRY (looking at the puddle with Kramer): Is it...? Could it...? Could + + he have...? IT IS! <Grabs Kramer.> Poppie peed on my sofa!!
+
+ KRAMER: Are you sure?
+
+ JERRY: Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
+
+ KRAMER: I'm sure it'll come out.
+
+ JERRY: I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!
+
+ KRAMER: Ah, you're making too much of it.
+
+ JERRY (sarcastic): Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens + to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
+
+ KRAMER: Right!
+
+
+ New scene - George at Joe Temple's door.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.
+
+ JOE: Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey + Hepburn very much.
+
+ GEORGE: She was a delicate flower.
+
+ JOE: Why didn't you just read the book?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... + <Joe's daughter comes to the door.>
+
+ JOE: Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's + with us? <George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.>
+
+
+
+ New scene - Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.
+
+ CARL: Hi.
+
+ ELAINE: Hi. <They kiss.>
+
+ CARL: I missed you.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, I missed you!
+
+ CARL: I don't remember the last time I felt this way.
+
+ ELAINE: Me, either!
+
+ CARL: I think about you all the time.
+
+ ELAINE: You do?
+
+ CARL: Do you think about me?
+
+ ELAINE: Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've + been thinking about this friend of mine.
+
+ CARL: What friend?
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, + and decided to have an abortion. <Waits in suspense for what Carl's + response will be.>
+
+ CARL: You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme + Court to change that law.
+
+ <Elaine breaks down in tears.>
+
+
+ New scene - George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At + Tiffany's with Joe and Remy.
+
+ GEORGE: So, anything to uh, nosh?
+
+ JOE: What did you want?
+
+ GEORGE: Popcorn?
+
+ REMY: Popcorn? Where do you think you are?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.
+
+ REMY: Well, we don't.
+
+ GEORGE: You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's + all.
+
+ JOE (passes George a bowl): Here's some nuts.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts + named after people. Hazel...and filbert.
+
+ REMY (to Joe): Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? <Joe presses play + on the remote.>
+
+ GEORGE: Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'
+
+ JOE: The lights are fine. <George shrugs, and the movie begins.>
+
+
+ New scene - Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making + the first 'test pizza.'
+
+ KRAMER (in a chef's hat and apron): See, anybody can do this. <Tosses + pizza dough into the air.>
+
+ POPPIE: Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. <Kramer tosses the dough + way up there.> Not too high!
+
+ KRAMER (puts the dough on the counter): Alright, put a little sauce on + here... <speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while + spreading the sauce around.> Some cheese...
+
+ POPPIE: Not too much!
+
+ KRAMER: And...cucumbers! <Grabs a large handful and puts them on the + pizza.>
+
+ POPPIE: Wait a second...what is that?
+
+ KRAMER: It's cucumbers.
+
+ POPPIE: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
+
+ POPPIE: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
+
+ KRAMER: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
+
+ POPPIE: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping + they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
+
+ KRAMER: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
+
+ POPPIE: Because it's a pizza!
+
+ KRAMER: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
+
+ POPPIE: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
+
+ KRAMER: No, it isn't!
+
+ POPPIE: Yes, it is!
+
+
+ Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife enters.
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: I'm home.
+
+ JOE: Hey, honey.
+
+ REMY: Hi, Mom.
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: Hi, baby. <To George.> Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?
+
+ JOE: Yeah.
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very + good for Duncan.
+
+ JOE: Aw, that's too bad.
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time -
+
+ GEORGE (clears his throat, annoyed that the movie's being interrupted): + Joe...could you...
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...
+
+ GEORGE: You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but + we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: Who are you?
+
+ JOE: This is George Costanza.
+
+ GEORGE (irritated): This is very hard to follow with all the talking.
+
+ JOE: I'll pause it, okay? <Pauses the tape with the remote.>
+
+ GEORGE: Any more grape juice? <Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy + moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.>
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: Who is this guy?
+
+ REMY: He's in some book club.
+
+ JOE'S WIFE: And what's he doing here?
+
+ REMY: Cheating on his test. <George returns from the kitchen with a + glass of grape juice.>
+
+ GEORGE: So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? <Joe's + wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to + Remy to move.> Okay, c'mon. Let's go.
+
+ + REMY: What?
+
+ GEORGE: C'mon, you took my seat.
+
+ REMY: It's not your seat.
+
+ GEORGE: I was sitting there, c'mon.
+
+ REMY: You didn't save it.
+
+ GEORGE: I had the arm! Joe...
+
+ JOE: What's the difference?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...
+
+ REMY: It's my couch.
+
+ GEORGE: Alright, c'mon, scooch over. <Tries to squeeze into the corner + seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape + juice all over the couch in the process.>
+
+ REMY: Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, + you've ruined our couch! <Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands + on his hips.>
+
+ GEORGE: Joe...
+
+
+ New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking + at the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh my god.
+
+ JERRY: You see?!
+
+ ELAINE: So, you're gonna get a new couch?
+
+ JERRY: Well, I guess I have no choice.
+
+ ELAINE: Do you want your old couch back?
+
+ JERRY: I was hoping you'd offer. <The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers + it.> Yeah?
+
+ INTERCOM: It's the movers.
+
+ JERRY: 'Kay. <Buzzes them in.>
+
+ ELAINE: Who's that?
+
+ JERRY: Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.
+
+ ELAINE: No, no, he's not my boyfriend.
+
+ JERRY: Why?
+
+ ELAINE: Take a guess.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, really. <Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up + the couch.>
+
+ ELAINE: Hi.
+
+ CARL: Hi.
+
+ JERRY: Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch + back.
+
+ CARL: Today?
+
+ JERRY: Could you?
+
+ CARL: Sure.
+
+ ELAINE (to Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?
+
+ JERRY: George is taking it.
+
+ ELAINE: Did you tell him it was peed on?
+
+ JERRY: He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.
+
+
+ New scene - Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.
+
+ CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, me too.
+
+ CARL: It's just too bad.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah. It is.
+
+ CARL: Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.
+
+ ELAINE: Can I offer you anything to drink?
+
+ CARL (off-camera): Yeah, sure.
+
+ ELAINE (looking in the fridge): All I've got is grape juice.
+
+ CARL: Throw it!
+
+ <Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear + the sound of breaking glass.>
+
+ CARL: The couch!
+
+
+ Commercial break.
+
+ New scene - George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at + Monk's.
+
+ MARIE (describing Holly Go-Lightly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's"): + She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got + rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George + Peppard. I mean, Fred.
+
+ MARIE: George...Fred's gay.
+
+ <George ponders this quizzically.>
+
+ End of episode.
+
+ Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 27, 2002.
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site + + + + + + + + +

 

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Opening + Monologue: I've been watching women in the department stores. + They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently + from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the + clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold + it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They + stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm + one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna + wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a + suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What + do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks + fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make + sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, + move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.
+
+
+ % While Jerry and Elaine are sitting on Jerry's couch watching + the tube, Elaine is flipping through the channels constantly.
+
+
+ Jerry: What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter + with that? What about that one?
+
+
+ Elaine: Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?
+
+
+ Jerry: He was good in Man From Uncle.
+
+
+ Elaine: Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?
+
+
+ Jerry: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because + that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked + people.
+
+
+ Jerry: No, I don't wanna see the naked people.
+
+
+ Elaine: Been a while?
+
+
+ Jerry: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, + but it was a long, long time ago.
+
+
+ Elaine: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot + shorter.
+
+
+ Jerry: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do + it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)
+
+
+ Elaine: What?
+
+
+ Jerry: What?
+
+
+ Elaine: What was that look?
+
+
+ Jerry: What look?
+
+
+ Elaine: The look you just gave me.
+
+
+ Jerry: I gave a look?
+
+
+ Elaine: Yes.
+
+
+ Jerry: What kind of look?
+
+
+ Elaine: I know that look.
+
+
+ Jerry: Then what was it?
+
+
+ Elaine: Why should I tell you?
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart + you are.
+
+
+ Elaine: Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...
+
+
+ Jerry: What?
+
+
+ Elaine: What about the look?
+
+
+ Jerry: I don't know.
+
+
+ Elaine: You got something on your mind?
+
+
+ Jerry: No. Things pop into your head. You?
+
+
+ Elaine: Things occur to me from time to time.
+
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the + past completely.
+
+
+ Elaine: No, of course not.
+
+
+ Jerry: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? + Twenty-five times?
+
+
+ Elaine: Thirty-seven.
+
+
+ Jerry: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points + to bedroom)
+
+
+ Elaine: We know the terrain.
+
+
+ Jerry: No big surprises.
+
+
+ Elaine: Nope.
+
+
+ Jerry: What do you think?
+
+
+ Elaine: I don't know. What do you think?
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, it's something to consider.
+
+
+ Elaine: Yeah.
+
+
+ Jerry: I mean, let's say we did.
+
+
+ Elaine: What if.
+
+
+ Jerry: Is that like the end of the world or something?
+
+
+ Elaine: Certainly not.
+
+
+ Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if + we want to?
+
+
+ Elaine: I know.
+
+
+ Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points + to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back + out here. It's not complicated.
+ +
+
+ Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't.
+
+
+ Jerry: It's moronic.
+
+
+ Elaine: Absurd!
+
+
+ Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
+
+
+ Elaine: We, there are always a few.
+
+
+ Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends + the way we are now, that would be really bad.
+
+
+ Elaine: Devastating.
+
+
+ Jerry: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between + them to indicate friendship)
+
+
+ Elaine: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)
+
+
+ Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and + the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
+
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
+
+
+ Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the + things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
+
+
+ Elaine: Huh.
+
+
+ Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and + vice versa.
+
+
+ Elaine: Right.
+
+
+ Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation + to call.
+
+
+ Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an + idea. No call the day after that.
+
+
+ Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
+
+
+ Elaine: All right, sir.
+
+
+ Jerry: Now here's another little rule. When we see each other + now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people + get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When + that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't + see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
+
+
+ Elaine: Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
+
+
+ Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
+
+
+ Elaine: What about the kiss goodnight?
+
+
+ Jerry: Tough one. You're call.
+
+
+ Elaine: It's brug-wa (?).
+
+
+ Jerry: Fine. Well.
+
+
+ Elaine: Well.
+
+
+ Jerry: You ready?
+
+
+ Elaine: Ready.
+
+
+ Jerry: So think you can handle this?
+
+
+ Elaine: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)
+
+
+ % Jerry's apartment the next day. Kramer enters.
+
+
+ Kramer: Hey.
+
+
+ Jerry: Hey.
+
+
+ Kramer: Got the paper?
+
+
+ Jerry: Not yet.
+
+
+ Kramer: No paper?
+
+
+ Jerry: I haven't been out yet.
+
+
+ Kramer: Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the + bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He + exits)
+
+
+ % George and Jerry at Monk's.
+
+
+ George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or + was he just restricted to water?
+
+
+ Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's + the job situation goin'?
+
+
+ George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
+
+
+ Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
+
+
+ George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.
+
+
+ Jerry: I thought you'd like that.
+
+
+ George: Oh, this is huge!
+
+
+ Jerry: I know.
+
+
+ George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.
+
+
+ Jerry: No, I can't do details.
+
+
+ George: You wha?
+
+
+ Jerry: I can't give details.
+
+
+ George: No details?
+
+
+ Jerry: I'm not in the mood.
+
+
+ George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, + and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen + to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have + a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you + get in the mood!
+
+
+ Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.
+
+
+ George: Where are you sitting?
+
+
+ Jerry: On the couch.
+
+
+ George: Next to each other?
+
+
+ Jerry: No, separated.
+
+ +
+ George: Time?
+
+
+ Jerry: About eleven.
+
+
+ George: Okay, go ahead.
+
+
+ Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked + station.
+
+
+ George: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because + of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never + turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen + would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there + in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. + So you're watching the naked station.
+
+
+ Jerry: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we + had sex.
+
+
+ George: Boy, these are really bad details.
+
+
+ Jerry: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature + for details.
+
+
+ George: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates + me.
+
+
+ Jerry: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.
+
+
+ George: Better than before?
+
+
+ Jerry: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.
+
+
+ George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's + going on? Are you like a couple again now?
+
+
+ Jerry: Not exactly.
+
+
+ George: Not exactly. What does that mean?
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be + able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George + laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat)
+
+
+ George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? + It's impossible. It can't be done.
+ (He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying + to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two + of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the + ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.
+
+
+ Jerry: I think we've worked out a system.
+
+
+ George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic + gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking + he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.
+
+
+ Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules + that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship + pitfalls.
+
+
+ George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
+
+
+ Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day.
+
+
+ George: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't + have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.
+
+
+ Jerry: You ready for the second one?
+
+
+ George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.
+
+
+ Jerry: Spending the night. Optional.
+
+
+ George: No, you see? You got greedy.
+
+
+ Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional.
+
+
+ George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But + one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the + night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning + and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with + French fry) You're not going anywhere.
+
+
+ Jerry: I think you're wrong.
+
+
+ George: I hope I am.
+
+
+ % At Elaine's apartment, Jerry opens the fridge and pulls out + a piece of cake.
+
+
+ Jerry: Is this yours or the roommate's?
+
+
+ Elaine: The roommate's.
+
+
+ Jerry: Would she mind?
+
+
+ Elaine: She keeps track of everything.
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.
+
+
+ Elaine: Thanks.
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, guess I'll get going.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh.
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be + easier if I go home.
+
+
+ Elaine: Fine, go away.
+
+
+ Jerry: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling + a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the + impression there's a problem.
+
+
+ Elaine: Just go.
+
+
+ Jerry: I'm having surgery tomorrow.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.
+
+
+ Jerry: But you said, it can be very serious.
+
+
+ Elaine: Okay, so fine. Go.
+
+
+ Jerry: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was + optional.
+
+
+ Elaine: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.
+
+
+ Jerry: It has nothing to do with whose house it is.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)
+
+
+ Tina: Hi.
+
+
+ Elaine + Jerry: Hi.
+
+
+ Tina: Hi, Jerry.
+
+
+ Jerry: Hi.
+
+
+ + Tina: Such a great improv class tonight.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh really?
+
+
+ Tina: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one + of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have + to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up + the balloon.
+
+
+ Elaine: Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?
+
+
+ Tina: Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away)
+
+
+ Elaine: What are you doing?
+
+
+ Jerry: I can't go if you're mad.
+
+
+ Elaine: I'm not mad.
+
+
+ Jerry: You seemed a little mad.
+
+
+ Elaine: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.
+
+
+ Jerry: So you're okay with everything?
+
+
+ Elaine: Definitely. Are you?
+
+
+ Jerry: Definitely. Well, goodnight.
+
+
+ Elaine: Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?
+
+
+ Jerry: What?
+
+
+ Elaine: Rules.
+
+
+ Tina: Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly)
+
+
+ % Jerry and George are at the store.
+
+
+ George: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.
+
+
+ Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to + send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.
+
+
+ George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
+
+
+ Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever + I spend, you have to spend half.
+
+
+ George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
+
+
+ Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. + Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from + all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.
+
+
+ George: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.
+
+
+ Jerry: I think I heard her say something about a bench.
+
+
+ George: A bench? What kind of a bench?
+
+
+ Jerry: I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.
+
+
+ George: What, like at a bus stop?
+
+
+ Jerry: I don't know.
+
+
+ George: Like a park bench?
+
+
+ Jerry: I have no idea.
+
+
+ George: Who puts a bench in their house?
+
+
+ Jerry: Forget the bench.
+
+
+ George: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout + a music box?
+
+
+ Jerry: No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that + Laura's theme, I'm dead.
+
+
+ George: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another + guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, + perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.
+
+
+ Jerry: Nice looking fellow.
+
+
+ George: What about candle holders?
+
+
+ Jerry: Too romantic.
+
+
+ George: Lingerie?
+
+
+ Jerry: Too sexual.
+
+
+ George: Waffle maker.
+
+
+ Jerry: Too domestic.
+
+
+ George: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.
+
+
+ Jerry: Too Gubernatorial. (?)
+
+
+ George: Let's work on the card.
+
+
+ % Jerry and Elaine sitting on his couch. Elaine holding a present.
+
+
+ Jerry: Maybe you won't like it.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.
+
+
+ Jerry: You could not like it.
+
+
+ Elaine: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.
+
+
+ Jerry: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two + months. Oh, the card. (She opens)
+
+
+ Elaine: Cash?
+
+
+ Jerry: Would do you think?
+
+
+ Elaine: You got me cash?
+
+
+ Jerry: Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself + whatever you want. No good?
+
+
+ Elaine: Who are you, my uncle?
+
+
+ Jerry: Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's + anything to sneeze at.
+
+
+ Elaine: Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a + great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)
+
+
+ Kramer: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. + I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)
+
+
+ Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?
+ +
+
+ Jerry: I said, "and more."
+
+
+ Elaine: I am not your pal.
+
+
+ Jerry: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? + (Kramer enters with present)
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
+
+
+ Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the + bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)
+
+
+ Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
+
+
+ Jerry: Great.
+
+
+ Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned + it? I made a mental note of it.
+
+
+ Jerry: Well goody for you.
+
+
+ Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's + birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?
+
+
+ Jerry: 182 bucks.
+
+
+ Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? + That's like something her uncle would get her.
+
+
+ Elaine: (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and + ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.
+
+
+ Kramer: (To Jerry) Yeats.
+
+
+ Elaine: Oh Kramer. (They embrace)
+
+
+ Jerry: Could you excuse us please?
+
+
+ Kramer: What?
+
+
+ Jerry: We're talking.
+
+
+ Kramer: Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)
+
+
+ Jerry: You know, we never had one fight before this deal.
+
+
+ Elaine: I know.
+
+
+ Jerry: Never.
+
+
+ Elaine: Ever.
+
+
+ Jerry: We got along beautifully.
+
+
+ Elaine: Like clams.
+
+
+ Jerry: It was wonderful.
+
+
+ Elaine: A pleasure.
+
+
+ Jerry: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go + back to being friends.
+
+
+ Elaine: I can't do it.
+
+
+ Jerry: You what?
+
+
+ Elaine: I can't do that.
+
+
+ Jerry: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or + that. Oh, boy. What do you want?
+
+
+ Elaine: This, that, and the other.
+
+
+ Jerry: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want + this, that, and the other?
+
+
+ Elaine: You.
+
+
+ Jerry: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
+
+
+ % Jerry and George at Monk's.
+
+
+ George: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. + If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday + will always bring it out.
+
+
+ Jerry: I never should have made up those rules.
+
+
+ George: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is + it the touching? Is it the nudity?
+
+
+ Jerry: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible + fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.
+
+
+ George: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.
+
+
+ Jerry: Why?
+
+
+ George: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me + anyway because of my birthday present.
+
+
+ Jerry: What did you end up giving her?
+
+
+ George: 91 dollars.
+
+
+ Jerry: Sorry about that.
+
+
+ George: So what're you gonna do?
+
+
+ Jerry: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. + This is pretty much it.
+
+
+ George: So, maybe this should be it.
+
+
+ Jerry: Could be it.
+
+
+ George: She seems like an it.
+
+
+ Jerry: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the + street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, + they live in Vermont...
+
+
+ George: We'd have to kill him.
+
+
+ Jerry: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.
+
+
+ George: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear + that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy + who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom + in front of hundreds of people.
+
+
+ Jerry: Plus, you know what else.
+
+
+ George: You better call her.
+
+
+ % Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.
+ +
+
+ Kramer: Hey.
+
+
+ Jerry: Hey.
+
+
+ Kramer: You got the paper yet?
+
+
+ Jerry: Yeah.
+
+
+ Kramer: Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) + Hey, you done with that?
+
+
+ Elaine: No.
+
+
+ Kramer: Well, you're not reading it now.
+
+
+ Elaine: All right, you can take it. But I want it back.
+
+
+ Kramer: Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?
+
+
+ Elaine: Ah, this. And that.
+
+
+ Jerry: And the other.
+
+
+ Kramer: Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you + weren't a couple. (He exits)
+
+
+ End.
+
+
+<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ +
+ +

+
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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+
+ + + + + + diff --git a/TheDealership.htm b/TheDealership.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..815fde2 --- /dev/null +++ b/TheDealership.htm @@ -0,0 +1,943 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Dealership + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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+ +
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The Dealership

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +

Donated by Ivy (Seinfeld10@aol.com)

+

Written by: Steve Koren

+

Directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

Broadcasted: January 8, 1998 for the first time.

+

Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,

+

Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel McCrary (as Don), and + Patrick

+

Warburton (as Puddy).

+

 

+

[Setting: A car dealership]

+

(Jerry and George are looking over some cars)

+

GEORGE: When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?

+

JERRY: Yeah, they have been promising that for a while..

+

GEORGE: Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was + right around the corner.

+

JERRY: I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.

+

GEORGE: No. That's just electric.

+

JERRY: What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. + That was a cool one.

+

GEORGE: (Sarcastic) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang + Bang?

+

JERRY: Well, what do you think the big holdup is?

+

GEORGE: The government is very touchy about us being in the air. + Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in + the air is a big production.

+

JERRY: Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities?

+

GEORGE: And the underwater bubble cities?

+

JERRY: It's like we're living in the '50s here.

+

(Kramer’s bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of + the cars for sale)

+

KRAMER: It's good suspension!

+

JERRY: (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time + to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. + (Gestures to a black Saab)

+

GEORGE: What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the + car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know + why you're here.

+

JERRY: (Talking about the vein in George’s head) There's that + vein again.

+

GEORGE: I'm starving. We should have had lunch first..

+

JERRY: (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I + told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.

+

GEORGE: Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought + he was a mechanic.

+

JERRY: I guess he graduated.

+

GEORGE: That's an easy move: go from screwin' you behind your back + to screwin' you right to your face.

+

(Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn)

+

JERRY: (To Kramer) Thank you.

+

GEORGE: Puddy’s just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptic) + You’ll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, + dealer prep. Sudeenly, you’re

+

on your back like a turnip.

+

JERRY: Alright. Calm down.

+

GEORGE: My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him + up real nice. Next thing I know, I’m gettin’ dropped of + in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All

+

the kids are shoutin’ at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, + Le George! Let’s stuff Le George in Le Locker!"

+

(Kramer’s now on his back, under a car)

+

KRAMER: Jerry, I don’t think this thing is hooked up right. +

+

(Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings)

+

JERRY: (To Kramer) Alright, we’re goin’ in.

+

(A salesman walks up to Kramer. He’s still under the car) +

+

SALESMAN: You’ve got a good eye, there. I see you’ve + noticed the uni-body construction. I’m Rick. Are you looking + to buy or lease?

+

(Kramer emerges from under the car)

+

KRAMER: Uh, borrow. It’s for my friend. Yeah, he’ll be + buying..

+

RICK: Maybe I should talk to him.

+

KRAMER: Oh, I don’t think so. No, he’s an entertainer. + You know, all over the place. That’s where I come in.

+

RICK: I see. So, you’re his manag-

+

(Kramer hops into the car)

+

KRAMER: Yeah, neighbor. That’s right. Yeah, why don’t + we take this boiler out for a shakedown?

+

(Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry and + George are waiting for a salesman to assist them)

+

GEORGE: Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear + is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "I’ll + walk out of here right now!"

+

(A salesman approaches)

+

SALESMAN: Can I help you with something?

+

GEORGE: (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and we’re walkin’! +

+

JERRY: (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, we’re just + waiting for David Puddy.

+

GEORGE: (Still with a tone) He is. You don’t know what I’m + doin’ here.

+

(Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy)

+

ELAINE: Hey.

+

JERRY: Hey.

+

PUDDY: Sorry I’m late.

+

ELAINE: (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to + celebrate his promotion.

+

JERRY: Ah. Where’d you go?

+

ELAINE: (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.

+

PUDDY: Arby’s.

+

ELAINE: I had the roast beef..

+

JERRY: So, Puddy, I decided I’m gonna go with another 900 + convertible.

+

PUDDY: Alright. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five.

+

ELAINE: (Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine + is?

+

PUDDY: Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there. +

+

ELAINE: Oh. (Leaves for the room)

+

PUDDY: (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. I’ll show + you the 900.

+

GEORGE: (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900.

+

(Scene cuts to Kramer. He’s in the car with the salesman, + Rick, and they’re driving an unknown street)

+

RICK: .. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer: Anti-lock breaks, + automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make + a right at this corner, please.

+

(Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and.. Oh, + Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..

+

KRAMER: No. No, I didn’t.

+

RICK: Well, that’s okay. (Pointing) We’ll make this next + right, and swing around to get back to the dealership.

+

KRAMER: (Up to something) Well, it’s a test drive, right? + I never drive around here. If I’m gonna recommend this car, + I need to see that it’ll handle my daily

+

routine.

+

RICK: So where are we going?

+

KRAMER: Just a little place I like to call, "You’ll see". +

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Puddy’s office]

+

(George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy)

+

GEORGE: I’m starving. You got any of those free donuts you + use to soften people up?

+

PUDDY: (Pointing out his office door) By the service department.

+

GEORGE: (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright, remember: no + rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble. +

+

JERRY: (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George. +

+

GEORGE: Don’t think it can’t happen! (Leaves)

+

JERRY: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more + "grease monkey".

+

PUDDY: I don’t care for that term.

+

JERRY: Oh. Sorry, I didn’t know..

+

PUDDY: No, I don’t know too many monkeys who could take apart + a fuel injector.

+

JERRY: I saw one once that could do sign language.

+

PUDDY: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.

+

JERRY: Yeah, Koko.

+

PUDDY: Right, Koko. That chimp’s alright. (Holds up his hand) + High-five.

+

(Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy) +

+

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! What’s goin’ on here? (To Jerry) + You didn’t agree to anything, did ya?

+

JERRY: No. We both just saw the same monkey.

+

GEORGE: (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were + none left.

+

PUDDY: (Standing up) Well, there’s a vending machine. I could + show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way)

+

GEORGE: (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.

+

JERRY: (Getting a dollar out) Where’s your money?

+

GEORGE: (Talking it) I’m here helpin’ you.

+

(Elaine enters)

+

ELAINE: Hey. Where’s Puddy? The copy machine is broken.

+

GEORGE: (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That’s what they want + you to think.

+

JERRY: Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed + an annoying little habit?

+

ELAINE: (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?

+

JERRY: No.

+

ELAINE: (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring?

+

JERRY: No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.

+

ELAINE: I thought all guys do that.

+ +

JERRY: Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. + In fact, even some of them have moved on - they’re using sign + language now.

+

ELAINE: Is that bad?

+

JERRY: What do you think the Nazis were doin’? (Imitates the + Nazi’s salute) That was the heil-five.

+

ELAINE: (Pointing out) Isn’t that from your act, like, ten + years ago?

+

JERRY: (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the ‘80’s, + and it’s still relatable today.

+

(Puddy approaches them)

+

PUDDY: Good news. We got a 900 in black. That’s the hot color. + (Holds up his hand) High-five.

+

(Elaine and Jerry exchange looks)

+

ELAINE: Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the + copy machine?

+

(Elaine takes Puddy’s arm, leading him to the room)

+

PUDDY: (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership back room]

+

(George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine + glass)

+

GEORGE: Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.

+

(George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries + to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful) +

+

GEORGE: Ah, come on!

+

(A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George + to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use it. + The machine readily accepts

+

the mechanic’s dollar)

+

GEORGE: Ah, excuse me. Do you have change of a dollar?

+

MECHANIC: (While retrieving his candy) No.

+

GEORGE: Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar?

+

MECHANIC: (While walking away) Don’t have one.

+

GEORGE: (Stopping him) Excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet + was open, I glanced inside, and I couldn’t help but notice + that you had several crisp dollar

+

bills.

+

MECHANIC: (Calm) You’re incorrect.

+

GEORGE: (Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? I’m + very hungry.

+

MECHANIC: (While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier.

+

GEORGE: (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old + screwgie, huh?! You’re all doin’ a hell of a job! (Looks + longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho,

+

ho. What I would do with you..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership car]

+

(Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is + filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed Tweety + bird)

+

RICK: Mr. Kramer, we’re really not allowed to use the cars + to run errands.

+

KRAMER: No, look, Rick. I’m very close to giving this car, + that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks + out the window) Oooh, Let’s see if

+

I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, + Ladies! (Points to the car) It’s the Saab 900! What do you + think? Can I interest you in a little

+

supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend + him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze..

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership back room]

+

(Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach, + reaching under the vending machine for change)

+

JERRY: (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the + machine) I think the candy comes out over there.

+

GEORGE: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they’re + too lazy to pick it up.

+

JERRY: Either that, or they’ve got a little hang-up about + lying face-down in filth. Why don’t you just go to the cashier? +

+

(George gets up)

+

GEORGE: The cashier is at lunch - which is where I’d like + to be.

+

JERRY: How much was under there?

+

GEORGE: (Looking at his finger) I think somethin’ bit me. + I just need another nickel.

+

JERRY: (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy + thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands + him a nickel)

+

GEORGE: Ho, ho, ho! He’s got a live one. He’s just reeling + his big fish in!

+

JERRY: Hey, can I have my dollar back?

+

GEORGE: (Stingy) It’s wrinkled. It’s worthless.

+

(Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts + the money into the machine)

+

GEORGE: (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix + gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to + pound the machine) Come on!

+

Jump!

+

(A man holding a donut walks past George)

+

MAN: They just put out some more donuts.

+

GEORGE: They did?

+

MAN: (Holding his up) Last one.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership car]

+

(Kramer’s still on the road with Rick)

+

KRAMER: Well, just one more errand and we can head back.

+

RICK: Actually, it looks like we’re gonna need some gas.

+

KRAMER: Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now? +

+

RICK: (Looking) Well, it’s on "E".

+

KRAMER: You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he lend me his car and + I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. + But, for a variety of reasons, I

+

don’t want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly + gasoline.

+

RICK: (Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive + your friend’s car for free.

+

KRAMER: (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it + up to him in other ways.

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership back room]

+

(George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine)

+

GEORGE: As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains + dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely + empty) Hey, it’s gone.

+

Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the + window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic + from before is eating a candy bar)

+

What?! That guy’s eatin’ it!

+

SALESMAN: Well, how do you know that one’s yours?

+

GEORGE: Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! + He must’ve bought one, and gotten both.

+

SALESMAN: Sir, are you gonna buy a car?

+

GEORGE: No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic + through the door’s window) Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is + my Twix! (The mechanic eats

+

the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. + It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!

+

(Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He’s trying + to fix the Xerox machine)

+

PUDDY: Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine + reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind + his back) On the flip side.

+

ELAINE: David, um, I..

+

PUDDY: (Still holding out his hand) Don’t leave me hangin’

+

ELAINE: You’re a salesman now - and the high-five is.. it’s + very grease monkey.

+

PUDDY: What did I tell you about that?

+

ELAINE: I’m sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.

+

PUDDY: (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I’ll tell you what’s + stupid. You. Stupid.

+

ELAINE: Well, that is really mature.

+

PUDDY: Yeah? So are you.

+

ELAINE: Huh?

+

PUDDY: You’re the grease monkey.

+

ELAINE: (Confused at David’s attempts at a comeback) Uh.. + that doesn’t make any sense. I am leaving.

+

PUDDY: Yeah, if you leave, we’re through.

+

ELAINE: Fine! We’re through!

+

PUDDY; Oh, so you’re leaving?

+

ELAINE: (While leaving) That’s right. (Mocking Puddy, she + puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind + her back like he had done) On the

+

flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin’ + me to Arby’s..

+

JERRY: (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you..?

+

(She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed)

+

PUDDY: Let’s finish this up.

+

JERRY: Did you two break up?

+

PUDDY: (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chick’s + whacked. We’re history. (Back to the transaction) I just left + out a couple of things:

+

rust-proofing..

+

JERRY: "Rust-proofing"?

+

PUDDY: (Reading off what he’s adding up on the calculator) + Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder’s + fee

+

JERRY: "Finder’s fee"? It was on the lot!

+

PUDDY: Yeah, that’s right. (Continues reading off) Floor mats, + keys..

+

JERRY: ‘Keys"?!

+

PUDDY: How ya gonna start it?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership’s shop]

+

(George catches up with the portly mechanic)

+

GEORGE: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. + And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, + and you never bothered

+

to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.

+

MECHANIC: First of all, it wasn’t a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue + bar.

+

GEORGE: Huh. You must think I’m pretty stupid. That was no + 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of + your lip! Now, that-that-that is a

+

cookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie + crunch.

+

MECHANIC: Yeah, it’s just a little nougat.

+

GEORGE: Nougat? Please. I think I’ve reached the point in + my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie. So, let’s + not just say things that are obvious

+

fabrications.

+

MECHANIC: (Pointing to George’s forehead) You know, you’re + gettin’ a little vein there..

+

GEORGE: (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I + can’t believe this guy..

+

(Jerry rushes in with a box of candy)

+ +

JERRY: Hey, George!

+

GEORGE: Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)

+

JERRY: No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and + Puddy just broke up, he’s treatin’ me just like a regular + customer, now!

+

GEORGE: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. No, + ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There’s now laws in + this place. Anything goes! It’s

+

Thunderdome!

+

(A saleswoman approaches them)

+

SALESWOMAN: Is someone helping you?

+

(Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room)

+

GEORGE: Stay back!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership car]

+

RICK: (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now?

+

KRAMER: There’s still some overlap between the needle and + the slash below the "E".

+

RICK: How long are you gonna go?

+

KRAMER: Oh, I’ve been in the slash many times. This is nothing. + You’ll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get it + out of your mind.

+

RICK: Have you ever been completely below the slash?

+

KRAMER: Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came + to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don’t + know who did it, and I never got to

+

thank them..

+

RICK: (As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road! +

+

(Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place)

+

KRAMER: Whoop! Whoop!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Puddy’s office]

+

(Jerry and George are in conference)

+

JERRY: (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started + this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you + want to play hard ball, I got my

+

friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving + the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.

+

GEORGE: Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know + the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. + Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!

+

JERRY: George! Can we focus on the car, here?

+

GEORGE: I’m starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against + my spine.

+

PUDDY: (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your + signature, here, and we’ll get you that yellow car ready to + go.

+

JERRY: Yellow? I wanted black.

+

PUDDY: I can’t give you black at that price.

+

JERRY: (Pleading) George, could you help me, please?

+

GEORGE: (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!

+

JERRY: Sing it, sister!

+

GEORGE: Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch..! +

+

JERRY: (Exasperated) Uhhh..

+

GEORGE: (Losing it) ..does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, + Sol, or… Lem is not gonna get away with this!

+

(Jerry follows George out the office)

+

JERRY: (To Puddy) I’ll be right back.

+

PUDDY: Okay.

+

(Jerry catches up with George)

+

JERRY: Hey, George!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership car]

+

(The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it) +

+

RICK: Is it just the angle I’m looking from?

+

KRAMER: No, Sir. We are down there.

+

RICK: Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I’ve never felt so alive!

+

KRAMER: Yeah, well, alright. I’m satisfied. We better get + some gas.

+

RICK: What? Well, we can’t stop now.

+

KRAMER: What do you mean?

+

RICK: We have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership. + That was the plan.

+

KRAMER: There was no plan.

+

RICK: Well, let’s make it the plan! Let’s just.. go for + it! Like Thelma and Louise.

+

KRAMER: What, they drove to a dealership?

+

RICK: No, they drove off a cliff.

+

(Kramer eyes Rick, frightened)

+

KRAMER: You are one sick mama.. I like it.

+

RICK: Mr. Kramer, the road!

+

(Kramer swerves around again)

+

KRAMER: Yup! Yup!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Elaine’s apartment]

+

(Phone rings, she answers it)

+

ELAINE: Hello?

+

JERRY: (Over the phone) Elaine, you’ve got to get back down + to the dealer. Puddy is screwin’ me on this car, which is yellow + now!

+

ELAINE: (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?

+

JERRY: (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine!

+

(Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise)

+

ELAINE: What?!

+

JERRY: You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this + deal.

+

ELAINE: (Sarcastic) You know, just that you cared enough to call + means so much, Jerry.

+

JERRY: You’re gonna get back together, anyway. It’s thousands + of dollars!

+

ELAINE: Oh, I don’t know..

+

JERRY: Come on. Then you don’t have to see him again ‘til + my 15,000-mile check.

+

ELAINE: Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?

+

JERRY: Fine.

+

ELAINE: And I didn’t like that roast beef, so how ‘bout + some lunch?

+

JERRY: No. No lunch.

+

ELAINE: I’ll hang the phone up right now!

+

JERRY: Alright! Lunch!

+

ELAINE: I’ll see ya. (Hanging up the phone)

+

JERRY: Bye. (Hangs up)

+

JERRY: (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody’s ripping me off! +

+

(Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window)

+

GEORGE: I’d like to report a problem with one of your mechanics. +

+

WILLIE: When did you bring the car in?

+

GEORGE: (To the man behind him in line) Yeah right.. I’m gonna + get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why don’t I just + flush my money down the toilet?

+

WILLIE: Sir, what, exactly, is the problem?

+

GEORGE: One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix + candy bar!

+

WILLIE: Are you saying he grabbed the candy bar away from you? +

+

GEORGE: He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered + in chocolate and cookie crumbs.

+

WILLIE: I thought you said it was a Twix.

+

GEORGE: Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.

+

WILLIE: Maybe it was.

+

GEORGE: Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. +

+

WILLIE: What about the $100,000 bar?

+

GEORGE: No. Rice and caramel.

+

WILLIE: Nougat?

+

GEORGE: No.

+

WILLIE: Positive?

+

GEORGE: Please.

+

(A woman appears from behind the window)

+

WOMAN: You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar to 100 + Grand?

+

GEORGE: All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and + for him to be fired!

+

(An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He’s Willie’s + father)

+

WILLIE SR: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey + for a nickel.

+

(The man behind George speaks up)

+

MAN: What’s the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?

+

GEORGE: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial!

+

WILLIE SR: Not Skittles.

+

WILLIE: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don’t + talk.

+

WOMAN: (Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all + day?

+

WILLIE: He likes it!

+

GEORGE: Alright! Do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, + what are you gonna do about my Twix?

+

MAN: (In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut.

+

GEORGE: No! There’s no coconut!

+

WOMAN: (Behind service window) I’m allergic to coconut.

+

WILLIE: I’m not.

+

WILLIE SR: ..A nickel!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership office showroom]

+

(Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab)

+

ELAINE: Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy.

+

PUDDY: I’m with a customer.

+

(Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction, + and starts to walk away)

+

ELAINE: Uh..

+

JERRY: No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What’s important + is you two getting back together. Eh, then we’ll talk about + the car.

+

PUDDY: (Like a kid) I don’t want to get back with her. She’s + too bossy.

+

ELAINE: (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David.. +

+

JERRY: Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don’t + we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. Now, look, + you both find each

+

other attractive, right?

+

ELAINE AND PUDDY: Right.

+

JERRY: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of + you..

+

ELAINE: I guess.

+

PUDDY: Good point.

+

JERRY: (Smiling, like a salesman) Alright. Now, what do I have + to do to put you two in a relationship today?

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Gas station]

+

(Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out)

+

KRAMER: Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I’ll + get us a couple of Twix bars.

+

RICK: No, no coconut for me.

+

KRAMER: Alright, I’ll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine + + running.

+

(Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out and + reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the pump and + scares him)

+

RICK: Ahh!

+

KRAMER: No, man! Not the gas!

+

RICK: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!

+

KRAMER: Do you think that this’ll make you happy? ‘Cause + it won’t!

+

RICK: (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me.

+

(Kramer grabs him by the collar)

+

KRAMER: Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, + and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone + says, "Kramer and that

+

other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than + anyone ever dreamed!"

+

(The car makes puttering noises)

+

RICK: Maybe we better get moving.

+

KRAMER: It’s good to have you back, Stan.

+

(Both hop into the car)

+

RICK: It’s Rick, by the way.

+

KRAMER: No time!

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership’s customer service room]

+

WILLIE: Mr. Costanza, I really don’t have time for this.

+

GEORGE: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue + bar, as he claimed, wouldn’t you agree he would have no problem + picking one out from a

+

candy line-up?

+

WILLIE: "Candy line-up"?

+

GEORGE: I’ve spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars + with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select + from.

+

WILLIE: It took you an hour?

+

GEORGE: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. + And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. (Opens + a door to a back room.

+

Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)

+

SALESWOMAN: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!

+

GEORGE: That’s my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! + They’re - they’re all on the floor!

+

(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor. + He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars)

+

GEORGE: And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! + Like, 8 Twix?!

+

MECHANIC: No.

+

MAN: Hey, this Clark bar is good.

+

GEORGE: It’s a Twix! They’re all Twix! It was a setup! + A setup, I tell ya! And you’ve robbed it! You’ve all screwed + me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!

+

MECHANIC: They’re all gone.

+

GEORGE: (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) + Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx!

+

(Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference)

+

ELAINE: What was that?

+

PUDDY: There’s a mental hospital right near here.

+

JERRY: Alright. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in + principle: Arby’s - no more than once a month. In exchange, + Elaine comes to your softball game, and

+

doesn’t read a book.

+

ELAINE: (While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, + well, that’s not bad.

+

PUDDY: I can live with that.

+

JERRY: So, you’re back together?

+

PUDDY: Yeah.

+

(Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling)

+

JERRY: Alright, alright. Alright, that’s enough! Let’s + get back to my deal. That undercoating, that’s just a rip-off, + isn’t it, David?

+

PUDDY: Oh, we don’t even know what it is.

+

JERRY: So, I’m gettin’ the insider’s deal?

+

PUDDY: Insider’s deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five.

+

(Jerry gives a face of resentment)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: Dealership car]

+

(Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership)

+

RICK: (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There’s the dealer!

+

KRAMER: Hey!

+

RICK: We did! We pulled it off! I can’t believe it! Where’s + the needle?

+

KRAMER: Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!

+

RICK: Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things + are gonna be different for me now.

+

KRAMER: Well, that’s a weird thing to say..

+

RICK: I wonder how much longer we could have lasted.

+

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm.

+

(They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting + to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out)

+

(Scene ends)

+

[Setting: NYC Cab]

+

(Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab)

+

ELAINE: This is nice. What kind of car is this?

+

CABBIE: Caprice Classic.

+

ELAINE: (To Jerry) You couldn’t just give him one high-five? +

+

JERRY: And where does it end? Then, everyone’s doin’ + it. It’s like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, + "Don’t go there." - Someone’s gotta take a

+

stand!

+

GEORGE: (Munching on a hamburger) This Arby’s is good.

+

ELAINE: So, George, I still don’t understand - how was that + a setup?

+

JERRY: And who were you tryin’ to set up, anyway? The mechanic + or the manager?

+

GEORGE: (In the spotlight) I don’t know. All of ‘em. + They’re all crooks! Besides, I couldn’t get all different + candy bars, anyway.

+

(Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming + and yelling)

+

GEORGE: What was that?

+

JERRY: I think there’s a mental hospital near here.

+

ELAINE: Very near.

+

(Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come + to a stop)

+

KRAMER: Whew! Well, I think we stopped.

+

RICK: You - you can probably let go of my hand now.

+

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, I’ll think + about it..

+

RICK: Do you have my card?

+

 

+

 

+

END OF SHOW.

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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The Dinner Party

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!

 

+ + Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike)

+

Fred Pinkard [ Newsstand Guy ],

+

Frank Novak [ Clerk ],

+

Mark Holton [ David ],

+

Suzy Soro [ Barbara ],

+

Kathryn Kates [ Counterwoman ],

+

S. Marc Jordan [ Man in Bakery ],

+

Langdon Bensing [ Man on Street ],

+

Sayed Badreya [ Foreign Man ],

+

Amjad J. Oaisen [ Hussein ],

+

Roger Eschbacher [ Man with Cane ]

+

 

+

 

+

Written by: Larry David

+

Directed by: Tom Cherones

+

 

+

 

+

Monologue

+

We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything + is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land + a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have + been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd + go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm + not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect + sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small + step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of + the earth. "

+

[Jerry's Apartment]

+

ELAINE: Hey, do you believe I got happy new year today? It's February.

+

JERRY: I once got Happy new Year in July.

+

ELAINE: It's

+

JERRY: It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?

+

ELAINE: It's really cold.

+

JERRY: Scary cold.

+

ELAINE: I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?

+

[George enters in Gore-Tex jacket]

+

JERRY: That.

+

ELAINE: Huh, What is that, ha?

+

GEORGE: What?

+

JERRY: When did you get that?

+

GEORGE: This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. + You know about Gore-Tex?

+

JERRY: You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

+

ELAINE: You can't even turn around in that thing.

+

JERRY: Look at this [start hitting George]

+

ELAINE: Hey George, can you feel this? [they are hitting his jacket]

+

GEORGE: All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.

+

ELAINE: Maybe we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine + or something.

+

GEORGE: What for?

+

ELAINE: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.

+

GEORGE: Why?
+ ELAINE: Because it's rude, otherwise.

+

GEORGE: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?

+

ELAINE: Yeah.

+

GEORGE: So you're telling me instead of being happy to see me they're + going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying?

+

JERRY: The fabric of society is very complex George.

+

GEORGE: I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.

+

ELAINE: You can't bring Pepsi.

+

GEORGE: Why not?

+

ELAINE: Because we're adults?

+

GEORGE: You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh, no way wine + is better than Pepsi.

+

JERRY: I'm telling you George, I don't think we want to walk in there + and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi on the table.

+

George: I just don't like the ideas that every time there is a dinner + invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.

+

JERRY: You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.

+

[Kramer enters]

+

KRAMER: All right, let's go. Who's driving?

+

JERRY: You are. I can't get that thing [George] in my car.

+

[In Kramer's car]

+

JERRY: Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm + cold. Give me a squeeze.

+

ELAINE: Get off of me. Get off of ME!

+

JERRY: You're pretty comfortable up there eh. Bubble boy?

+

GEORGE: Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

+

ELAINE: I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one + bottle of wine.

+

GEORGE: Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them a couch? Bring them a nice + sectional.

+

ELAINE: We'll get some cake. Can you stop off at the bakery?

+

GEORGE: Why don't you just get some Ring Dings at the liquor store?

+

ELAINE: Ring Dings?
+ GEORGE: Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you'll ever get at a + bakery.

+

KRAMER: I like Ring Dings.

+

ELAINE: George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and + Pepsi.

+

KRAMER: HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON!

+

GEORGE: It's a funeral procession. . . . And I got news for you. I show + up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit at the party. People + be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about + the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais + and Chardonnay . . .

+

ELAINE: Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here. + Okay, let me out. You, whatever your name is…

+

JERRY: Jerry.

+

ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry, come with me.

+

KRAMER: Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here + in ten minutes.

+

ELAINE: Yeah.

+

KRAMER: All right

+

 

+

[The Royal Bakery]

+

ELAINE: Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.

+

JERRY: Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and + white. Two races of flavor living side by side [mumble?] It's a wonderful + thing isn't it?

+

ELAINE: You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

+

JERRY: I'm looking forward to it.

+

ELAINE: Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.

+

JERRY: Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'? +

+

ELAINE: CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty.

+

JERRY: Love that Bobka.

+

ELAINE: Yeah, yeah!

+

JERRY: So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the + cake box.

+

ELAINE: Why?

+

JERRY: I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the + little string.

+

ELAINE: You think it's effeminate?

+

JERRY: It's a tad dainty.

+

ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.

+

JERRY: You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.

+

ELAINE: You think I should go ask her for hers?

+

JERRY: No, forget it.

+

ELAINE: No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't + mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and + them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me.

+

[Kramer's car]

+

KRAMER: Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?
+ GEORGE: Just double park

+

KRAMER: No

+

GEORGE: Why not?

+

KRAMER: I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if somebody wants to get out + of here?

+

GEORGE: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give + them up.

+

KRAMER: It's a fallacy.

+

GEORGE: All right, I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the store + and I'll wait in the car?

+

KRAMER: Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?

+

GEORGE: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get + cold.

+

KRAMER: So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heater'll + be on.

+

GEORGE: Does the heater even work in this car?

+

KRAMER: No.

+

GEORGE: Hey, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see

+

KRAMER: I see.

+

GEORGE: You see, ho ho,

+

[Royal Bakery]

+

ELAINE: But we were here ahead of you.

+

Barbara: How do I know that?

+

JERRY: Well we saw you come in.

+

YYY: Well, that's easy for you to say.

+

ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I + make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries.

+

CLERK: 46?

+

ELAINE: Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?

+

BARBARA: Yes.

+

ELAINE: Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine Benes, you remember + we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.

+

BARBARA: I'm on my way over there right now.

+

ELAINE: Me too.

+

D: You're Jerry right?
+ JERRY: David!

+

ELAINE: Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't it?

+

BARBARA: Yes it is.

+

ELAINE: You know we were here ahead of you.

+

BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number.

+

JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us.

+

CLERK: 47!

+

BARBARA: Us.

+

ELAINE: Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something + + as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.

+

BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what + a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.

+

CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one.

+

[Liquor Store]

+

 

+

GEORGE: So alright, what are we getting? It's so hot in here!

+

KRAMER: What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?

+

GEORGE: What's that?

+

KRAMER: It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais which + is richer and fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars.

+

GEORGE: Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee + you they aren't getting no twelve dollar cake.

+

KRAMER: All right but I am going to have to pay you back latter I don't + have my wallet.

+

GEORGE: . . . Why not?

+

KRAMER: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says it's + bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter

+

GEORGE: "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? +

+

KRAMER: I never take it.

+

GEORGE: So what do you do?

+

KRAMER: Oh, I get by.

+

[Royal Bakery]

+

BARBARA: See you later [exits with the Bobka]

+

ELAINE: /JERRY: See you later.

+

JERRY: That's the last Bobka. They got the last Bobka.

+

ELAINE: I know. They're going in first with the last Bobka.

+

JERRY: That was our Bobka.

+

ELAINE: You can't beat a Bobka.

+

JERRY: We should have had that Bobka.

+

ELAINE: They're going to be heroes.

+

JERRY: What are we going to do now. If we can't get the Bobka the whole + thing's useless.

+

ELAINE: Well how about a carrot cake?

+

JERRY: Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into + a cake. I'm sorry.

+

ELAINE: Black Forrest?

+

JERRY: Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.

+

JERRY: How about a Napoleon?

+

ELAINE: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. + Might as well get Mengle.

+

JERRY: That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka!

+

ELAINE: What's this one?

+

CLERK: That's cinnamon Bobka.

+

JERRY: Another Bobka?

+

CLERK: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.

+

JERRY: Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.

+

ELAINE: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser + Bobka.

+

JERRY: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no Bobka. People + love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and + pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" + The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. + Lesser Bobka - I think not.

+

CLERK: 49?

+

ELAINE: I'll have the cinnamon Bobka.

+

JERRY: … and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!

+

[Liquor store]

+

Cleck: That will be 13.05

+

GEORGE: All right here you go.

+

Clerk: A hundred? I can't change that.

+

GEORGE: You can't - oh uh oh All right let's go.

+

KRAMER: Wait a second. I can get change.

+

[Out on the street]

+

KRAMER: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?

+

GEORGE: Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll get us killed.

+

KRAMER: What?

+

GEORGE: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be + jumping out of windows after us.

+

KRAMER: Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change.

+

GEORGE: I am not buying something just to get change.

+

KRAMER: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.

+

KRAMER: All rright let's get some gum or something.

+

GEORGE: Pack of gum, okay here you go.

+

CLERK: What I this a hundred? I can't change a hundred.

+

GEORGE: Why not?

+

CLERK: You got to buy more than that.

+

KRAMER: Here, get a newspaper.

+

GEORGE: A newspaper.

+

CLERK: That's not enough.

+

KRAMER: A Clark Bar.

+

GEORGE: Clark Bar.

+

CLERK: Keep going.

+

GEORGE: There's 22 dollars here.

+

KRAMER: George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum.

+

GEORGE: I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.

+

KRAMER: That will make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the + letters at the dinner table.

+

GEORGE: Oh, that's nice.

+

KRAMER: Hey, did you ever read one of these?

+

GEORGE: It's not real. They're all made up.

+

KRAMER: Oh, it's real.

+

GEORGE: You know there is an unusual number of people in this country + having sex with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark + Bar.

+

CLERK: 6.75.

+

GEORGE: Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.

+

MAN1: [gibberish Arabic yelling]

+

GEORGE: Sorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.

+

KRAMER: You better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war.

+

[Royal Bakery]

+

JERRY: Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, + is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes + better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes + us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be + solved.

+

ELAINE: Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should + do an op-ed piece for the Times.

+

JERRY: Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie.

+

ELAINE: What is this?

+

JERRY: What?

+

ELAINE: It's a hair.

+

JERRY: Oh, take it back. Let's get another one.

+

ELAINE: No, we've already got this. I'll just take it off.

+

JERRY: No, really, let's get another one. It will just take a second.

+

ELAINE: Excuse me.

+

Man: Hey hey, I'm in line here.

+

ELAINE: No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake + with a hair on it.

+

CLERK: You have to take a number.

+

ELAINE: We waited fifteen minutes for this. Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH + A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry + taking a number) are you going to wait here?

+

JERRY: Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it.

+

ELAINE: It was a little hair. I took it off.

+

JERRY: A little hair? Do you think that makes it better?

+

ELAINE: What if it's your hair?

+

JERRY: What if it's your hair?

+

ELAINE: What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. Nobody takes better care + of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.

+

JERRY: Who needs misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health + food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred proof - takes your + roots out.

+

ELAINE: Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.

+

JERRY: Well, why don't we just forget about the cake?

+

ELAINE: No I'm bringing cake!

+

[Liquor store]

+

GEORGE: All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Imagine + if we didn't bring wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S + YOUR WINE? GET OUT!

+

KRAMER: "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but + every word of this story is true…" [exits to street] " + A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive + our new neighbor Linda was…"

+

GEORGE: Look at this? Somebody double parked and blocked us in. DOES + ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. No, no note. + Can you believe this?

+

KRAMER: "…well of course I noticed it too with those ample + breasts and those pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock + out…."

+

[still on street but much later]

+

GEORGE: I really can't comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. + Can you comprehend it?

+

KRAMER: No, no I can't comprehend it?
+ GEORGE: I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're basically still + very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys who + built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, he could build the rocket but he's still stupid for double-parking + and blocking somebody in.

+

GEORGE: So you really understand my point about building a rocket and + double-parking.

+

KRAMER: Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other part + he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?

+

GEORGE: Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard + for basic human decency. If this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini + would circle the block six times looking for a spot?

+

KRAMER: How about Idi Amin?

+

GEORGE: Ill tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the + death penalty for double-parking. If this is allowed to go on this is + not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!

+

KRAMER: Are those shoes comfortable?

+

GEORGE: No not really.

+

KRAMER: They look comfortable.

+

GEORGE: I know that's why I bought them but they're not comfortable.

+

[Royal Bakery]

+

ELAINE: Why couldn't we have just taken the hair off and go?

+

JERRY: No, out of the question.

+

ELAINE: Why?

+

JERRY: Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.

+

ELAINE: What happened?

+

JERRY: I'd rather not talk about it.

+

ELAINE: You can't tell me?

+

JERRY: All right . . . I once had a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.

+

ELAINE: You found a hair in your Farina?

+

JERRY: Yeah,

+

ELAINE: What happened?

+

JERRY: I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's + a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running + and running. I was little but I could run very fast. I just kept running + and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.

+

ELAINE: Wow. Who's hair was it?
+ JERRY: My mother's.

+

CLERK: 68!

+

ELAINE: That's us.

+

JERRY: Oh, good.

+

ELAINE: You sold us a hair with a cake around it. I'd like another one.

+

CLERK: [coughing and coughing]

+

JERRY: Ah, that's lovely.

+

ELAINE: Ah,

+ +

JERRY: Just what you want to see, yeah. . . . You want to trade your + hair for some phlegm

+

CLERK: Here you are.

+

ELAINE: Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where are George and Kramer?

+

[on street outside Liquor Store]

+

[honking]

+

KRAMER: HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING!

+

GEORGE: We're really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.

+

KRAMER: Why?

+

GEORGE: You know, Elaine.

+

KRAMER: What about her?

+

GEORGE: . . . I'm a little scared of her.

+

KRAMER: You're scared of Elaine?

+

GEORGE: Yes!

+

KRAMER: Why?

+

GEORGE: Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late because + I bought a Panama hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard + my head came right through the top of it.

+

KRAMER: Let's go inside the liquor store. It's freezing in here.

+

GEORGE: Why didn't you wear a heavier coat?
+ KRAMER: Because I wanted to look good for the party.

+

GEORGE: Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice. We've been waiting twenty + minutes for you people? What do you think? You're Mussolini?

+

MAN2: Back off puff ball it's not my car!

+

GEORGE: I wasn't talking to you.

+

[Royal Bakery]

+

ELAINE: Wait until I get my hands on that George. I'm going to pull that + big hood over his little head, tie the string and suffocate him. You remember + that Panama hat? That was nothing.

+

JERRY: Uh, wa?

+

ELAINE: What's the matter with you?

+

JERRY: Uh, I don't feel so good.

+

ELAINE: What's wrong?

+

JERRY: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.

+

ELAINE: The black and white?

+

JERRY: Yeah.

+

ELAINE: Not getting along?

+

JERRY: I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there.

+

ELAINE: Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?

+

JERRY: I feel like I'm going to throw up.

+

ELAINE: Hey, what about your vomit streak?

+

JERRY: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.

+

[Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot]

+

ELAINE: Oh, oh!

+

MAN3: Sooory.

+

ELAINE: Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're + doing you, LUNATIC!… uh, I think he broke my toe. [Jerry gets up] + Where're you going?

+

JERRY: Fourteen years down the drain.

+

[Liquor Store]

+

GEORGE: Do chickens have individual personalities?

+

KRAMER: (shivering) I don't care.

+

GEORGE: If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the + way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Cluck, puk cluck? + Because if they have individual personalities I don't think we should + be eating them. What's the matter with you?

+

CLERK: Can I help you guys with anything?

+

GEORGE: We bought the wine here before, but now we're blocked in by some + car that's double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.

+

CLERK: Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout. But my friend here has + hypothermia.

+

KRAMER: I've got hypothermia.

+

CLERK: All right guys, take it outside.

+

[George turns and breaks wine bottles]

+

CLERK: You're paying for these.

+

[Royal bakery]

+

ELAINE: How was it?

+

JERRY: As good as it gets.

+

[Outside Liquor Store]

+

GEORGE: You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It was worth a hell of a lot + more than that cheap Chardonnay.

+

KRAMER: I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I can't stop shaking.

+

GEORGE: I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car. +

+

GEORGE: Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein.

+

MAN4: Don't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch + your death of cold. So long.

+

CLERK: Can I get you anything else?

+

JERRY: Oh, no thanks.

+

CLERK: How about a nice box of "scram".

+

[George enters]

+

GEORGE: Somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been + Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He had a British accent though. + What, what happened to you?

+

ELAINE: Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to + put up your ….

+

JERRY: Hey, what happened to your coat? And what's the smell, what are + you drunk?

+

GEORGE: I had to give it to the liquor store guy.

+

JERRY: What for?

+

GEORGE: I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did you get?

+

ELAINE: Cinnamon Bobka.

+

GEORGE: Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate?

+

JERRY: George!

+

[In the car]

+

[silence]

+

[Apartment #7]

+

ELAINE: Here, here's your cake.

+

GEORGE: And your wine.

+

ELAINE: See ya'.

+

JERRY: See ya'.

+

[END]

+

Monologue

+

I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost + through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go + skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement + quite like a hat with a flap. The hat with the flaps makes a statement + like no other hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather + have the heat in my skull rather than anything society could possibly + offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for a serious crime + and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. + Your lawyer should insist on it. [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The + defense rests."
+

+ + + + + + + +

 

+ + + + +
+ + + + +
+

Episodes Overview | Scripts | Contact

+

Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com

+
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+ + + + + diff --git a/TheDiplomatClub.htm b/TheDiplomatClub.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..344b753 --- /dev/null +++ b/TheDiplomatClub.htm @@ -0,0 +1,750 @@ + + + + + + + +Seinfeld Scripts - The Diplomat Club + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+
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+ +
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The Diplomat Club

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ +  

+ +

First Aired 5/4/95

+

Written by Tom Gammill and Max Pross

+

Directed by Andy Ackerman

+

Cast:

+

Jerry Seinfeld himself

+

George Costanza Jason Alexander

+

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus

+

Cosmo Kramer Michael Richards

+

Newman Wayne Knight

+

Katie Debra Jo Rupp

+

Mr. Morgan Tom Wright

+

Mr. Pitt Ian Abercrombie

+

% Opening monologue

+

What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these + special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat + peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but + isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to + me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? + Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join + that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like + when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that + stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would + work a little harder...

+

% Jerry's apartment, Jerry is talking on the phone

+

Jerry: What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that + gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll + be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs + up)

+

Elaine: Is that the supermodel?

+

Jerry: Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six + hours.

+

Elaine: I thought you had a show in Ithaca.

+

Jerry: I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back + and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.

+

Elaine: Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and + I am telling him that I am quitting.

+

Jerry: So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.

+

Elaine: I've had enough. I am marchin' in.

+

Jerry: You're marchin' in.

+

Elaine: I'm marchin'. (Enter George)

+

George: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey. Elaine's quitting.

+

George: Really?

+

Elaine: I'm marchin' in.

+

George: I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.

+

Jerry: How 'bout the march out?

+

George: Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're + losing.

+

Elaine: This is it. Wish me luck.

+

Jerry: Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)

+

George: Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.

+

Jerry: Why?

+

George: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan + up at the office.

+

Jerry: What for?

+

George: They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with + this guy as it is.

+

Jerry: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?

+

George: It better be.

+

% Mr. Pitt's office, Elaine enters and Mr. Pitt is sitting at his + desk.

+

Elaine: Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.

+

Pitt: One second Elaine.

+

Elaine: Mr. Pitt...

+

Pitt: Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will + to include you as a beneficiary.

+

Elaine: What?

+

Pitt: Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to + be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care + of after I'm gone.

+

Elaine: (Flattered) Mr. Pitt...

+

Pitt: (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get + me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?

+

Elaine: Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with + the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,

+

Pitt: Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.

+

Elaine: We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want + you to live a long, long time.

+

% At the Yankee's office

+

George: (Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture + left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?

+

Morgan: Why?

+

George: Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for + us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone + ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must + get that all the time.

+

Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?

+

George: No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance... +

+

[Jerry and George at Monk's]

+

Jerry: Maybe he looks a little like Sugar Ray Leonard.

+

George: A little? Come on.

+

Jerry: Well, you still shouldn't have said it.

+

George: You think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias?

+

Jerry: Maybe.

+

George: Boy, that is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was
+ in Long Island.

+

Jerry: You'd have marched on Great Neck?

+

George: Absolutely. I still might. I always hated those girls. They
+ would never date me.

+

[ Kramer arrives at Monk's]

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey, there you are.

+

Kramer: So you ready?

+

George: For what?

+

Jerry: He's taking me to the airport. But we've got a few minutes.

+

Kramer: Oh, yeah. What? You got no luggage?

+

Jerry: This is it. I'm only going for the day. I just gotta drop by the
+ drugstore and pick up a toothbrush.

+

Kramer: Okay.

+

George: Hey, Kramer. Who does that look like?

+

Kramer: I don't know.

+

George: Come on, come on. Not salt, but...?
+ Kramer: What, Pepper Johnson?

+

George: No. Sugar Ray Leonard.

+

Kramer: Oh, no way.

+

George: All right, I'll tell you what. I'll bet you the next three people I
+ ask... two of them will say Sugar Ray.

+

Kramer: How much? $ 100? $200? $ 1000?

+

Jerry: Hey wait a second, what are you doing? You're not betting.You
+ know he's not supposed to bet.

+

Kramer: Come on, Jerry, it's a lock.

+

Jerry: Kramer, you've had this thing under control for almost three
+ years now. Don't start again.

+

Kramer: But it's a lock, Jerry!

+

Jerry: No!

+

Jerry: What're you doing about Morgan?

+

George: You know what would be great? If he could see me with
+ some of my black friends.

+

Jerry: Yeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of
+ us, you don't have any white friends either.

+

[ Cuts to Joe's apartment building where George buzzes Joe. ]

+

Joe: Yes?

+

George: Hello, Joe?

+

Joe: Who is this?

+

George: It's me. George Costanza.

+

Joe: Who?

+

George: Remember I was here a while back? Breakfast at Tiffany's
+ together?

+

Joe: What do you want?

+

George: Well, I've rented another video, Joe. And there's some
+ popcorn. I thought we could do it again.

+

Joe: Go away.

+

[ Joe's daughter Remy enters the entrance hall ]

+

George: Remy. Hi.

+

Remy: You?!? What are you doing here?

+

George: Well, I got another Audrey Hepburn movie.

+

Joe: Remy, is that you?

+

Remy: Daddy, that man is here again.

+

Joe: Remy, I want you up here instantly.

+

George: You know, Remy, I was thinking. Last time we were
+ together, you...

+

[ Remy slams the door shut ]

+

[ Kramer and Jerry are at the drugstore. ]

+

Jerry: That's great. You know what? Leave it. Just pull the car around

+

front.

+

Kramer: You sure?

+

Jerry: Yeah. I'll take care of it. Just throw that in there, would you?

+

Mr. Pitt: Excuse me. I take heart medication. What would you
+ recommend for a runny nose?

+

Jerry: Take an antihistamine.They're over there.

+

Mr. Pitt: It's all right to take?

+

Jerry: Yeah, they're great.

+

Mr. Pitt: What about appetite suppressants?

+

Jerry: I just saw them. Oh, here. Here you go.

+

Mr. Pitt: Thank you, young man.

+

Jerry: Have a good day, sir.

+

[ Jerry and Kramer are at the Diplomat's Club at the La Guardia
+ Airport ]

+

Kramer: This is your swanky Diplomat's Club.

+

Jerry: I don't see Katie anywhere.

+

Kramer: What's this, a fellow club member?

+

Jerry: No, she's this woman who's booking me on these college
+ tours. She thinks I'm some big celebrity that has to be pampered and
+ explained every little thing.

+

Kramer: Yeah. I'm gonna get some snacks before my flight.

+

Katie: Jerry.

+

Jerry: Oh, hi, Katie.

+

Katie: You found the airport all right?

+

Jerry: Yes, I followed the planes.

+

Katie: I see you're having coffee. Just so you know, they also have
+ decaf as well. Along with a selection of cocktails and soft...

+

Jerry: Thanks. Thanks for telling me.

+

[Cuts to Mr. Pitt's apartment. Mr. Pitt is lying in his bed being
+ attended by a doctor ]

+

Elaine: What's going on?

+

Women: I'm Lenore Walker, Mr. Pitt's estate lawyer. I arrived
+ to discuss his will and found Justin had collapsed on the floor.

+

Elaine: Oh my God.

+

Woman: Who are you?

+

Pitt: This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...

+

Man: Please, rest Mr. Pitt.

+

Woman: You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?

+

Elaine: Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... + shopping. How did this happen?

+

Man: Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine + and these other pills.

+

Elaine: Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.

+

Pitt: I spoke to someone who worked there.

+

Elaine: I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)

+

Woman: How well do you know her?

+

% Jerry and Katie sitting in the plane

+

Katie: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're + gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-

+

Jerry: Yes, I know. I've flown before.

+

Katie: Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance + of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?

+

Jerry: No.

+

Katie: (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to + go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance + until way after take off.

+

% Airport, Kramer and a man sitting

+

Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?

+

Earl: Pretty good.

+

Kramer: Name's Kramer.

+

Earl: Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where + you headed?

+

Kramer: Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes + flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute + they're arriving.

+

Earl: Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the + Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll + bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight + to Houston.

+

Kramer: Bet? Um, not betting.

+

Earl: Friendly wager.

+

Kramer: I haven't made a bet in three years, I-

+

Earl: Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.

+

Kramer: Okay, how much?

+

Earl: How 'bout 200?

+

Kramer: You're on, cowboy!

+

% On street, George and another man pick up newspaper

+

George: How ya doin'?

+

Man: Okay.

+

George: Nice day today.

+

Man: What?

+

George: I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?

+

% Man gets newspaper and leaves

+

% At the airport...

+

Intercom: Now arriving at gate 12...

+

Earl: This could be Mexico City.

+

Kramer: C'mon Seattle, let's go.

+

Earl: Come on, Mexico City!

+

Kramer: Seattle, yeah!

+

Intercom: ...flight 42 from Mexico City.

+

Kramer: All right, c'mon, let's go again.

+

% At Mr. Pitt's...

+

Elaine: Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?

+

Pitt: No.

+

Elaine: You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?

+

Pitt: Okay.

+

% Elaine goes to get pillow, walks back to Pitt slowly. Ms. Walker + enters looking scared. Elaine waves.

+

% Backstage at Comedy Club in Ithaca

+

Katie: It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, + he's got a birthday next week.

+

Jerry: I don't care.

+

Katie: By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the + pilot is going to be in the audience.

+

Jerry: Who?

+

Katie: Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting + out there watching the show.

+

Jerry: I don't care, why are you telling me this?

+

Katie: I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.

+

Jerry: Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...

+

Off stage: Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! + (Clapping)

+

Jerry: Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to + see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those + orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... + up here... um... I..

+ +

% George walking down street. He sees a man and tries to help him + with groceries. Man walks away.

+

% Comedy club

+

Katie: It didn't go very well, did it?

+

Jerry: No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the + audience really freaked me out.

+

Katie: I knew it.

+

Jerry: If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. + I became obsessed with him.

+

Katie: Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for + a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.

+

Jerry: Oh, it doesn't matter now.

+

Katie: Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.

+

Jerry: Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!

+

% Airport...

+

Earl: Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... + Will that be cash or check?

+

Kramer: All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.

+

Earl: All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.

+

Kramer: All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)

+

N: Hello?

+

Kramer: Yeah, it's, uh, me.

+

N: Hey, what's up?

+

Kramer: All right, listen. I need some cash.

+

N: What for?

+

Kramer: I just need it, that's all.

+

N: Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh + you weak, weak man. Where are you?

+

Kramer: I'm at the airport.

+

N: The airport?

+

Kramer: We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman + rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.

+

N: I don't have that kinda dough.

+

Kramer: Sure you do.

+

N: Oh no, no, not the bag!

+

Kramer: Oh help me man, I'm desperate!

+

N: All right, all right.

+

% Airplane...

+

Intercom: Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication + that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...

+

Jerry: (To Katie) What is the complication?

+

Flisht Attendant: Mr. Seinfeld?

+

Jerry: Yes?

+

FA: I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.

+

Jerry: What?

+

FA: Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.

+

Katie: I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has + no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.

+

Jerry: I didn't care.

+

FA: Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.

+

Jerry: He can't just throw me off the plane!

+

FA: Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be + a disturbance.

+

Jerry: But I'm not a disturbance!

+

FA: Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.

+

Jerry: But someone is waiting for me!

+

Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.

+

Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!

+

% Airport in Ithaca

+

Katie: There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, + which one do you want?

+

Jerry: Which one do you think I want?

+

Katie: The eight will get you in a little earlier.

+

Jerry: Then we'll make it the eight.

+

Katie: I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]

+

Jerry: Hotel?

+

Katie: Yeah, it's eight in the morning.

+

Jerry: No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna + be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.

+

Katie: Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?

+

Jerry: I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! + Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?

+

Katie: Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)

+

% Jerry calls George

+

George: Yo.

+

Jerry: George.

+

George: Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?

+

Jerry: I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's + Club...

+

George: Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated + your apartment when you had fleas?

+

Jerry: Carl, I think.

+

George: Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.

+

Jerry: Yeah, he was nice.

+

George: What company was it?

+

Jerry: Defent.

+

George: Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...

+

Jerry: You need an exterminator?

+

George: No, not really.

+

Jerry: Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?

+

George: Gotta go.

+

Jerry: George, George!

+

% Mr. Pitt's, Jerry is on the phone with Ms. Walker

+

Jerry: Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?

+

Woman: Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone + for you.

+

Elaine: Hello?

+

Jerry: Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go + down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to + be late.

+

Elaine: That's at the airport, right?

+

Jerry: Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll + never get another date with her. She'll freak out.

+

Elaine: All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.

+

Jerry: I am a little freaked out!

+

Elaine: Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious + of Elaine)

+

Jerry: All right, but you have to go now.

+

Elaine: I said I'll take care of it!

+

% Newman arrives at the airport with a bag

+

N: Kramer.

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

N: Okay, here it is.

+

Kramer: Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.

+

Earl: So it's a mailbag, so what?

+

N: So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?

+

Earl: (Reading) David Berkowitz.

+

N: Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

+

Earl: Where did you get this?

+

N: I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on + that route.

+

Earl: Any of 'em talk to you?

+

N: Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!

+

Earl: (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.

+

Kramer: Yeah, don't I know it.

+

Earl: Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the + board. Now, who do you like?

+

Kramer: All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?

+

Earl: All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca.

+

Kramer: Double or nothin'.

+

Earl: Double or nothin'.

+

N: I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a + look of lack of confidence)

+

% In rental car... Katie is driving and Jerry is asleep

+

Jerry: (Wakes up) Where are we?

+

Katie: I'm not sure.

+

Jerry: Is this even a road?

+

Katie: Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.

+

Jerry: What? Why didn't you wake me up?

+

Katie: You told me not to bother you with minor details.

+

Jerry: No, road is a major detail!

+

Katie: Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do + you have a preference?

+

Jerry: (Pointing ahead) Look out!

+

% At George's office, Carl enters

+

George: May I help you?

+

Carl: I'm the exterminator.

+

George: Oh, yes of course, come in.

+

Carl: Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?

+

George: Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I + called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is + sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?

+

Carl: Do I know you?

+

George: Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When + you fumigated for fleas over there.

+

Carl: Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?

+

George: Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really + thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, + there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. + Morgan in?

+

Phone: Mr. Morgan left for dinner.

+

George: He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?

+

% Mr. Pitt's. Pitt is in bed with Ms. Walker standing beside him. + The T.V. is on.

+

TV: Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost + Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in + a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, + a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.

+

Jerry: That's it! No more questions! I don't care!

+

Pitt: That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug + store! He's no pharmacist.

+

Woman: Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier + for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt)

+

% At the restaurant, George and Carl enter. They see Mr. Morgan.

+

George: (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's + all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh + my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, + I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.

+

Carl: I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)

+

George: That's... what we used to call him in high school, the + exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.

+

% Airport, Kramer is smoking a cigar

+

Earl: Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.

+

Kramer: Yeah, he was.

+

Earl: I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks + acceptable?

+

Kramer: Oh I accept.

+

N: (Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right + next to me. We once double dated.

+

Kramer: Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like + yourself. (Elaine enters)

+

Elaine: Kramer.

+

Kramer: Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?

+

Elaine: Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here + about his plane in Ithaca?

+

Earl: What about the plane in Ithaca?

+

Elaine: Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly + delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?

+

Kramer: Boy...

+

Earl: Your friend caused the delay?

+ +

Elaine: Uh huh.

+

Earl: You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.

+

Kramer: C'mon!

+

Earl: See you around, Cosmo.

+

Kramer: What?

+

% Mr. Pitt's...

+

Elaine: Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. + Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!

+

Pitt: You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.

+

Elaine: Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)

+

% Airport, Jerry enters

+

Jerry: Bridget!

+

Bridget: Jerry, what happened?

+

Jerry: Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our + whole time together.

+

Bridget: Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.

+

Jerry: Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on + the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!

+

% Restaurant

+

George: I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the + time.

+

Morgan: Is that right?

+

Carl: Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the + rat problems in the kitchen.

+

Morgan: (George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an + exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)

+

George: Check, please.

+

Waiter: Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.

+

George: Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!

+

% End

+

 

+

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+ + [Transcribed by Dave(ratboy)]

+

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+ Written by: Larry David
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

Episode no. 21
+ pc: 303, season 3, episode 4
+ Broadcast date: October 9, 1991
+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+

The Cast

+

Regulars:
+ Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld
+ Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
+ Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
+ Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

+

Guest Stars:

+

Joseph Maher..................... Gavin Palone
+ Tom Williams..................... 'voice' of Farfel
+ Marvin Wright-Bey................ Attendant #1
+ Kelly Wellman.................... Attendant #2

+

 

+

Opening monologue.

+

So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some
+ time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up
+ time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when
+ they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the
+ aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as
+ fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it
+ some gas! We're flying!
+

+

New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative (and inebriated)
+ man.

+

Gavin: Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I
+ was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had
+ just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel
+ without him.

+

Jerry: Is he on the plane now?

+

Gavin: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't
+ know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than
+ most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets?

+

Jerry: Uh, just my next door neighbor.

+

Gavin: You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways
+ that you never could have thought possible.

+

Jerry: Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching?

+

Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression.

+

Jerry: What's the matter?

+

Gavin: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.
+

+

Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the cabin where
+ flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor.
+

+

Attendant #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you
+ to a hospital.

+

Gavin: My dog. What about my dog?

+

Attendant #1: Uh, you have a dog?

+

Attendant #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?

+

Jerry stares out the window.

+

Gavin: Jerry?

+

Jerry: Huh? How you feeling?

+

Gavin: Would you take care of Farfel?

+

Jerry: Farfel?

+

Attendant #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital,
+ could you take his dog to New York?

+

Jerry: The dog? The dog??

+

Gavin: I'm sure it's only for a day or two.

+

Jerry: But, you know, what if, you know?

+

Gavin: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.

+

Jerry: The dog?
+

+

New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up and there's a
+ loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing
+ 'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen.

+

Jerry: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid
+ idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?

+

Elaine: Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call.

+

Jerry (to Farfel): STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this?
+ Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house!
+ He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

+

Elaine: If only.

+

Jerry: Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house
+ at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of
+ the house since I got back.

+

Elaine: Hey, when you walk him, do ya...

+

Jerry: Do I what?

+

Elaine: Do you pick it up?

+

Jerry: Yes, I pick it up.

+

Elaine: You pick it up?!?

+

Jerry: Well you have to.

+

Elaine: Oh, boy would I love to see that.

+

Jerry: SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to
+ do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up?

+

Elaine: Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is.

+

Jerry: No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg
+ creams) You gotta put the syrup in first.

+

Elaine: No, milk.

+

Jerry: I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender.

+

Elaine: What is a bender anyhow?

+

Jerry: I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar.

+

Elaine: I can't believe he hasn't called.

+

Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his
+ dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!

+

Kramer enters.

+

Kramer: Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.

+

Jerry: Why?

+

Elaine: We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative.

+

Kramer: I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.

+

Jerry: You're breaking up?

+

Kramer: Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You
+ know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their
+ feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video,
+ watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.

+

Elaine: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.

+

Kramer: Woah, you didn't like her?

+

Elaine: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant
+ Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.

+

Jerry: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.

+

Kramer: How come you never said anything?

+

Jerry: You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after
+ they stop seeing them.

+

Kramer: I tell you.

+

Jerry: You. I'm talking about people.

+

Elaine: Are we still going to the movies tonight?

+

Jerry: No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me.

+

Elaine: Just me and George?

+

Jerry: Sure.

+

Elaine: But we need you.

+

Jerry: What do you need me for?

+

Jerry's buzzer buzzes.

+

Elaine: Because... Yeah?

+

George: Prognosis Negative!

+

Elaine buzzes George into the building.

+

Elaine: Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law.
+ Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just
+ put some newspapers down or something?

+

Jerry: No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's
+ right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!

+

Elaine: Just me and George alone?

+

George enters.

+

George: Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha
+ ha!!!

+

Jerry: I can't go.

+

George: Can't go, Why not?

+

Jerry: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.

+

George: I thought Kramer was watching.

+

Jerry: He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.

+

George: Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down.

+

Jerry: No, I don't want that smell in the house.

+

George: You spritz a little Lysol on it.

+

Jerry: No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of
+ strange mutant funk.

+

George: So we're not going?

+

Jerry: Nah. You two go.

+

George: Oh. You still wanna go?

+

Elaine: Do you?

+

George: If you want.

+

Elaine: It's up to you.

+

Jerry: Go ahead.

+

Elaine: Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh,
+ you wanna see Ponce de Leon?

+

George: Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go?

+

Jerry: I want to but I can't.

+

Elaine: Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean
+ everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can
+ switch apartments for the night.

+

Jerry: No.

+

George: What about this--

+

Jerry: Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time.

+

Elaine: I know, it's not that.

+

George: It's just we want you to go.

+

Jerry: Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath!
+

+

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking
+ along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of
+ human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think
+ the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a
+ poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
+

+

New scene.
+ George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De Leon. They're
+ + obviously uncomfortable alone together.

+

George: So how long did you live there?

+

Elaine: About three years.

+

George: That's pretty long.

+

Elaine: Hmm.

+

George: It's not that long, really.

+

Elaine: Yeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues. They both speak at the same
+ time, then stop. Another silence.

+

George: And then you came here.

+

Elaine: Yeah. So I've been here about six years.

+

George (Counting on his fingers): Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight,
+ eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.
+

+

New scene.
+ Jerry vs. Farfel, part II

+

Jerry: Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from
+ me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?!
+

+

New scene.
+ Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend.

+

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do
+ something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to
+ society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you?
+ Couldn't respect myself.

+

 

+

New scene.
+ Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before.

+

George: I like herbal tea.

+

Elaine yawns.

+

George: Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.

+

Elaine: Jerry likes Morning Thunder.

+

George: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?

+

Elaine: Yeah.

+

George: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.

+

Elaine: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.

+

George: You don't tell him?

+

Elaine (laughing): No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he
+ doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel
+ great!"

+

George (laughing): You don't tell him?

+

Elaine: No.

+

George: That is so funny!

+

Elaine: I know!

+

George: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?!

+

They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break out in more
+ laughter.
+

+

New scene.
+ Kramer has had a change of heart.

+

Kramer: Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back,
+ every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I'll do
+ anything!
+

+

New scene.
+ Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking.

+

Jerry: That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on
+ Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable.
+ Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel!
+ Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're
+ checking out!
+

+

New scene.
+ Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment.

+

Elaine: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many
+ situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.

+

Jerry: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.

+

Elaine: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of
+ you.

+

Jerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful, how
+ soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we go right to the
+ movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am going. Okay,
+ see you in five minutes.

+

Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing.

+

Jerry: Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on
+ down. (To Elaine) What?

+

Elaine: Do you have to?

+

Jerry: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not
+ sure this is a dog.

+

Elaine: You know, the guy might have just lost your number.

+

Jerry: I'm in the book and I have a machine.

+

Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them
+ there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.

+

Jerry: Really? How late are they open?

+

Kramer enters.

+

Jerry: What?

+

Elaine: What is it?

+

Kramer: I went back with Ellen.

+

Jerry and Elaine: Ohhhhh, that's great.

+

Elaine: Terrific.

+

Jerry: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together.

+

Elaine: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding.

+

Kramer: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?

+

Jerry: I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset.

+

Kramer: From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you
+ don't know me.

+

Elaine: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.

+

Jerry: What are you doing?

+

Kramer: I'm getting my pot.

+

Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out.

+

Elaine: Kramer, we like her.

+

Jerry: Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?

+

Elaine: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.

+

Jerry: I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said
+ anything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer)
+ Yeah?

+

George: Prognosis Negative!

+

Farfel begins barking.

+

Jerry: Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.

+

Elaine: Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault.

+

Jerry: It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is.

+

Elaine: Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the
+ movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.

+

Jerry: I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative?

+

Elaine: We'll see it Sunday.

+

George enters.

+

George: Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative?

+

Elaine: I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.

+

George: What does this mean?

+

Jerry: Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De
+ Leon.

+

George: What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound.

+

Jerry: She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go
+ to the bathroom.

+

George: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?

+

Jerry: I don't know, regular human time?

+

George: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?

+

Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here?

+

Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure
+ you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.

+

George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal?

+

Elaine: Yeah.

+

Jerry: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!

+

George: Hey, go.

+

Elaine: Who's stopping you?

+

George: What, are you doing me a favor?

+

Elaine: Like we care if you go to the bathroom.

+

Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable.

+

George: How's it going?

+

Elaine: Good. Good. You?

+

George: Things are good.

+

After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy off the floor and
+ squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound.

+

Elaine: Boy, he takes such a long time.

+

George: I know.

+

Elaine: You know what he does in there? He gargles.

+

George: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?

+

Elaine: Yeah, he does it like six times a day.

+

George: How come we never hear him?

+

Elaine: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this,
+ watch.

+

Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter.

+

George: Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?!

+

Elaine: We talked about that already.

+

George: Oh.
+

+

New scene.
+ Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater.

+

George: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm
+ out of conversation.

+

Jerry: So what are calling me six times a day?

+

George: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get,
+ I could always read the sports section.

+

Jerry: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.

+

George: Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.

+

Jerry: It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing?

+

George: Nothing except Prognosis Negative.

+

Jerry: Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me.
+

+

New scene.
+ Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket.

+

Elaine: Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with!
+ When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!

+

The phone rings, Farfel begins barking.

+

Elaine: Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my
+ god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your
+ dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.

+

Cut back to Jerry and George.

+

George: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but
+ it's this or nothing.

+

Jerry: I don't know what to do.

+

George: What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go.

+

Jerry: I know, I know.

+

George: So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy.

+

Jerry: It is kind of silly.

+

George: Of course it is.

+

Jerry: I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake.

+

George: Exactly.

+

Jerry: It's not like she's *in* the movie.

+

George: Right.

+

Jerry: Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I
+ mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these
+ circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.

+

George: And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.

+

Jerry: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level
+ of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon,
+ let's just go.

+

George: Good.

+

Jerry: Saving movies.

+

George: Ridiculous!

+

Jerry: Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble.

+ +

George: Oh, you're dead.
+

+

New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog. Farfel is
+ barking as loud as ever.

+

Gavin: Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed.
+ Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely
+ incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!

+

Jerry: You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said
+ you were released on Monday.

+

Gavin: Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center
+ in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top notch physicians.

+

Kramer: Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!

+

Gavin: He won't hurt you, he's just playing.

+

Kramer: Hey you keep that mutt away from me.

+

Gavin: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours.

+

Ellen: Kramer, are you coming?

+

Jerry: Oh, hi Ellen.

+

Ellen: Get in here.

+

Kramer sulks off.

+

Jerry: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week,
+ but if you don't mind...

+

Gavin: Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit
+ him before the month is out.

+

Jerry: Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.

+

Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and out of Jerry's
+ apartment.
+

+

New scene.
+ Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment.

+

Elaine: We made plans.

+

Jerry: Why don't we just rent a movie?

+

Elaine: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.

+

Jerry: No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long,
+ there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard.

+

Elaine: Jerry, you promised me we'd go.

+

Jerry: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost
+ feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.

+

Elaine: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.

+

Jerry: You and George got together?

+

Elaine: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.

+

Kramer enters.

+

Jerry: Hello.

+

Kramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

+

Jerry: What's up?

+

Kramer: Well, you were right.

+

Jerry: About what?

+

Kramer: Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.

+

Jerry and Elaine, together: Awwwwww.

+

Jerry: Too bad.

+

Elaine: I thought she was the one.

+

Kramer: I'll bring back the pot.

+

Elaine: Okay, c'mon it's movie time.

+

Kramer: Hey, what are you gonna see?

+

Jerry: Prognosis Negative.

+

Kramer: Hey, that's supposed to be great.

+

Jerry: It's not.

+

Kramer: How do you know?

+

Jerry: I have an instinct for these things.
+

+

Closing monologue.

+

I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed.
+ We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had
+ built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you
+ a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a
+ mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk
+ walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there.
+ There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for
+ this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his
+ little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he
+ thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting
+ the other parakeet?
+

+

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+

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+
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The Doll

+ +

+ + + +
+ + + +

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+ + Written by: Tom Gammill and Max Pross
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+ Broadcasted: February 22, 1996 for the first time.
+ Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,
+ Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Kathy Griffin (as Sally Weaver), + Estelle Harris (as Estelle Costanza), and Mark Metcalf (as Bob Cobb - + the Maestro).

+


+ (NOTE: Opening monologue is missing)

+

[Setting: Night club]

+

(Jerry is just now getting done with his act)

+

JERRY: Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, + a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise)

+

SALLY: Jerry!

+

JERRY: (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!

+

SALLY: (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression + - he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college.. + hello! (Laughs slightly)

+

JERRY: Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?

+

SALLY: Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are + so funny.

+

JERRY: (Modest) Oh, thanks.

+

SALLY: (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.

+

JERRY: (Blunt) I believe you.

+

SALLY: Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to + him) out to dinner.

+

JERRY: (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight + to the airport.

+

SALLY: Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I + guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns + around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to + them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the + size of it) It's a wedding present.

+

JERRY: Oh?

+

SALLY: And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful.

+

JERRY: Uh-huh.

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: The Coffee shop]

+

(George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth)

+

FRANK: George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving + to Del Boca Vista, Florida.

+

GEORGE: (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.

+

FRANK: So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into + a billiard parlor?

+

GEORGE: A billiard parlor?

+

FRANK: Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.. Give it real authenticity..

+

(Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence)

+

GEORGE: Well, that's.. Elaine!

+

ELAINE: Oh, hi, Frank.

+

GEORGE: (Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please.

+

ELAINE: (Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually, + I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing.

+

GEORGE: (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down.

+

ELAINE: (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think + up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo?

+

GEORGE: (Confused) What photo?

+

ELAINE: You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front + of the sign that said "Costanza"?

+

FRANK: (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? (Elaine nods) Did + he look like me? Did you talk to him?

+

ELAINE: I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the + sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.

+

FRANK: I gotta get that picture - it could be my cousin, Carlo.

+

ELAINE: Who is that?

+

GEORGE: (Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) + When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.

+

FRANK: I played with him every day until the age of four - and then we + separated.

+

ELAINE: So, you weren't born here?

+

FRANK: No. That's why I can never be president.. It always irked me. + That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse + to vote. (Yelling out) They don't want me, I don't want them!

+

GEORGE: I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are + probably a million Costanzas-

+

FRANK: (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. (To Elaine) Do you have + another copy of that photo?

+

ELAINE: No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might.

+

FRANK: The Maestro? What Maestro?

+

ELAINE: He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, + but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.

+

GEORGE: Really? Why?

+

ELAINE: (Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back.. + I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera + stars.

+

GEORGE: Who?

+

ELAINE: You know the Three Tenors?

+

GEORGE: Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. + the other guy.

+

ELAINE: (Nodding) The other guy.

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: Airplane]

+

(Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his personal + bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess approaches him)

+

STEWARDESS: (Overly nice) Could I take that box for you?

+

JERRY: Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it.

+

STEWARDESS: Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head.

+

JERRY: Oh, okay..

+

(The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head compartment. + The sound of glass breaking can be heard)

+

STEWARDESS: There we go.

+

(Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase are + covered in bar-b-que sauce)

+

JERRY: Ohh.. look at this..

+

KRAMER: What?

+

JERRY: I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess + broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because + of this (Gestures to Sally's present) stupid thing.

+

KRAMER: Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still + salvage some sauce..

+

JERRY: I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, + and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.

+

KRAMER: (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see..

+

JERRY: No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and + this was going to be my bit on the show.

+

KRAMER: Well, why don't you do your material?

+

JERRY: I'm out.

+

KRAMER: (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work.

+

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.

+

(George enters)

+

GEORGE: Hey, buddies.

+

JERRY: Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's + roommate, Sally.

+

GEORGE: Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys + really hit it off.

+

JERRY: (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave + me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's + clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are + you doing?

+

KRAMER: (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? + (Eats the bread)

+

(George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts all over + the table)

+

JERRY: (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.

+

KRAMER: (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit + on Styrofoam?

+

JERRY: Like what?

+

KRAMER: Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) "What is + this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?"

+

JERRY: (Confused) Where's the punchline?

+

KRAMER: It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's)

+

GOERGE: (Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly + a crappy gift..

+

JERRY: A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!

+

GEORGE: Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's + a big executive for Federal Express.

+

JERRY: Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just + ship it?!

+

KRAMER: Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) "The Costanzas"

+

GEORGE: No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it.

+

KRAMER: Well, maybe your father would be interested in that.

+

GEORGE: I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool + table in my old bedroom.

+

KRAMER: (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock + a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two..

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George's old bedroom]

+

(The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is obviously + way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking up their sticks)

+

KRAMER: So, what's your game? What do you like to play?

+

FRANK: Eight ball.

+

KRAMER: No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight + pool.. hmm?

+

FRANK: You like to gamble, Cosmo?

+

KRAMER: Yeah, now and then - you know how it is..

+

FRANK: Five dollars a game, huh?

+

KRAMER: I'll break.

+

FRANK: Okay.

+

(Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short by + the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving humorous + accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George and Susan's apartment]

+

(Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of her items + around the apartment)

+

GEORGE: What's all this?

+ +

SUSAN: Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff.

+

GEORGE: (Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff..

+

SUSAN: (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..

+

(George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the shelves, + is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother)

+

GEORGE: Oh my God! What is that?!

+

SUSAN: (Rushing in) What? What is it?

+

GEORGE: (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother.

+

SUSAN: George, it's a doll.

+

GEORGE: I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother!

+

SUSAN: (Going back to the living room) Oh, get outta here..

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George's old bedroom]

+

(Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about to hit + the ball when Estelle enters)

+

ESTELLE: What's going on in here? (Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps + up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?! You've + been up here three hours!

+

FRANK: We still haven't finished the first game.

+

ESTELLE: The first game?!

+

KRAMER: (Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh, + learning the subtleties of the table.

+

FRANK: (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He could have the picture..

+

ESTELLE: Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.

+

FRANK: (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle leaves, slamming the + door) We're gonna go see him, huh?

+

KRAMER: (Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over..

+

FRANK: (Sensing the game is going to last a long time) Oh boy.

+

KRAMER: Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally + crashing it into the window)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George and Susan's bedroom]

+

(George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops when + he sees the doll laying right next to Susan)

+

GEORGE: What is this thing doing here?

+

SUSAN: Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little + girl..

+

(Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again)

+

GEORGE: Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..

+

SUSAN: Why?

+

GEORGE: I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.

+

SUSAN: Oh, stop it.

+

(They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under Susan's + pillow -- out of sight)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush. + Elaine is reading the paper at his table)

+

JERRY: Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush + I just got - the Ori-dent.

+

ELAINE: (Just making conversation) Oh yeah?

+

JERRY: Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you + just came from the dentist!

+

ELAINE: (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.

+

JERRY: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the + Charles Grodin show?

+

ELAINE: Who else is on the show?

+

JERRY: Uh.. one of the three tenors.

+

ELAINE: (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?!

+

JERRY: Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..

+

ELAINE: (Extremely excited) The other guy?!

+

JERRY: (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.

+

ELAINE: (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's + going to be on the show!

+

JERRY: Why?

+

ELAINE: Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged + to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?

+

JERRY: Why not?

+

ELAINE: (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!

+

(George enters. He's in a disheveled state)

+

JERRY: Hey, you look awful.

+

GEORGE: (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro.

+

JERRY: Problem in the bedroom?

+

GEORGE: (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls + looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it.

+

(Elaine makes a face)

+

JERRY: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?

+

GEORGE: (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty + spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out + man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat.

+

JERRY: I thought you didn't want the doormat.

+

GEORGE: I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow.

+

JERRY: Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New + York?

+

GEORGE: Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited.

+

JERRY: Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and + she made me carry that box?!

+

ELAINE: Who's Sally?

+

GEORGE: Susan's college roommate.

+

JERRY: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to + give to Charles Grodin on his show.

+

GEORGE: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll + be delighted to talk to you.

+

JERRY: (While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) + In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really + heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her + lap!

+

ELAINE: That's sounds pretty juvenile.

+

JERRY: (Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more + immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: The Maestro's Office]

+

(Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro)

+

FRANK: His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together everyday until + I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could + recognize him.

+

MAESTRO: Unfortunately those photographs are at home.

+

KRAMER: Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you + in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room.

+

FRANK: (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, it's.. uh, uh.. What do + you call it, Kramer?

+

KRAMER: A billiard room.

+

FRANK: No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. it was.. Come on, + already. Come on..

+

KRAMER: (Confused) What?

+

FRANK: We call it.. the, uh..

+

KRAMER: (Snaps) The Place To Be!

+

FRANK: The place to be! Yes! It's the place to be.

+

MAESTRO: (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall be there. And now, Gentlemen, + (Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the + symphony.

+

KRAMER: Oh, yeah?

+

(The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants, Kramer and + Frank stare in bewilderment)

+

MAESTRO: (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. (Begins putting on + a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from + Leonard Bernstein.

+

KRAMER: Really?

+

MAESTRO: You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the + performance.

+

(Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed)

+

KRAMER: That's good thinking.

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

(George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a 'tada' gesture. + Jerry has on a disgusted face)

+

GEORGE: You see?.. You see?!

+

JERRY: Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.

+

GEORGE: Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly + what she's gonna look like in ten years!

+

JERRY: Why don't you just get rid of it?

+

GEORGE: I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't + do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door + to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing.

+

JERRY: Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.

+

(George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets up + with Elaine in the hallway)

+

GEORGE: Hi, Elaine.

+

(Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway - breathless)

+

ELAINE: Did you see that?!

+

JERRY: I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting + over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? + (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying)

+

ELAINE: Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.

+

JERRY: Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah?

+

SALLY: (Through the intercom) It's Sally.

+

JERRY: Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?

+

SALLY: A whole case.

+

JERRY: (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric + toothbrush I was telling you about?

+

ELAINE: (Blunt, to the point) No.

+

JERRY: How come? I told you - It's fantastic.

+

ELAINE: Eh, I like mine.

+

JERRY: I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. + Don't you believe me?

+

ELAINE: I don't want it.

+

JERRY: (Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why + wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's + better? And it's not a little better - it's much better.

+

ELAINE: (Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me.

+

(A knock on the door)

+

JERRY: Come in.

+

(Sally enters with a medium-sized box)

+

SALLY: (Peppy) Well, here I am!

+

JERRY: Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.

+

ELAINE: Hi.

+

JERRY: How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable?

+

SALLY: (Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to + me was empty, so, there was no problem at all.

+

JERRY: (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up + one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for!

+

SALLY: That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of + Memphis!"

+

JERRY: (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with + that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!

+

SALLY: This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other + sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke.

+

JERRY: I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going + on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing!

+

SALLY: You could just do your material.

+

JERRY: (Peeved) I don't have any material!

+

ELAINE: (Yelling out) He's got nothin'!

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: The Coffee Shop]

+

(George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he eats his + meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the doll)

+

DOLL: Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! (George starts eating faster) + Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it!

+

GEORGE: (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!

+

(People from near-by tables turn and look at him)

+ +

DOLL: You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already! + Why don't you get a new shirt?!

+

GEORGE: (Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people + staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny + replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front + of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he + sheepishly walks out)

+

WOMAN: (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should really be in a sanitarium. + (Ruthie nods, agreeing)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George's old bedroom]

+

(The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing pool while + listening to classical music. Frank is looking at the Maestro's pictures + with a magnifying glass)

+

KRAMER: Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain + perfectly creased.

+

FRANK: It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!

+

KRAMER: Come on. Are you sure?

+

(They all crowd around the picture)

+

FRANK: I'd know him anywhere.

+

MAESTRO: I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation + of being kind of a village idiot.

+

FRANK: I still say we're related.

+

MAESTRO: (Recognizing the currently playing song) Ohh, I love this piece. + (Turns it up, then pantomimes that he is conducting the instruments)

+

KRAMER: Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.

+

FRANK: (Complaining) I can't make anything..

+

KRAMER: (Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how + to follow through correctly.

+

FRANK: Follow through? What do you mean?

+

KRAMER: Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding + the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back + slowly..

+

(Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer and Frank + continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares in disbelief)

+

FRANK: It's a little unnatural, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

+

ESTELLE: Oh, my God!

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: Jerry's apartment]

+

JERRY: (Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do + this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about.

+

ELAINE: Well, have you ever considered writing new material?

+

JERRY: Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all + the time I'd be able to get some work done.

+

ELAINE: (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me?

+

JERRY: (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here.

+

ELAINE: (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it?

+

JERRY: Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could + talk about that on the show.

+

ELAINE: What?

+

JERRY: Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty + funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them.

+

(Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing phone)

+

SALLY: Hello?

+

JERRY: Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.

+

SALLY: Hi Jerry, it's Sally!

+

JERRY: (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?

+

SALLY: No, but he should be home soon.

+

JERRY: Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio + with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her.

+

SALLY: Is this for your comedy routine?

+

JERRY: (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.

+

SALLY: (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) I'm on the case.

+

(Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George's old bedroom]

+

(The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants on)

+

MAESTRO: (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get some air. (Slowly leaves)

+

KRAMER: Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window + as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights + fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, + fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does + just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging + his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series + of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) + You know where it's going..

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]

+

(Elaine enters)

+

ELAINE AND JERRY: Hey!

+

ELAINE: Is George here?

+

JERRY: Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. + Whispers) The other guy.

+

(Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him)

+

ELAINE: It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours. + Would you mind signing this poster for me?

+

CARRERAS: My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine unravels her poster)

+

ELAINE: (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine + gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) + Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He + walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his "That's + a shame" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to + the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.

+

JERRY: (Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, + he picks up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, I got something + for you. The Ori-dent!

+

ELAINE: (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles + under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box?

+

JERRY: Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of + packaging.

+

ELAINE: (Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed + to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) + What are you doing?

+

JERRY: Well, I want to sit down.

+

ELAINE: So?

+

JERRY: It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in + the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in + another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a "Tada!" + gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll + see ya.", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George's old bedroom]

+

(The game is over)

+

MAESTRO: (Making his exit, he lays the charm on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, + you have been an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses her hand)

+

ESTELLE: (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles to herself as the Maestro + leaves)

+

FRANK: (Holding up a picture) Here, take a look at this.

+

ESTELLE: (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?

+

FRANK: It's Carlo. I found him!

+

ESTELLE: (Handing the picture back) You've been cooped up in this room + too long.

+

FRANK: (Yelling out) You never support me! Let's see what George says + about this.. Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off a rack and leaves)

+

KRAMER: (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful!

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]

+

(Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants on)

+

SALLY: Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!

+

JERRY: (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George?

+

SALLY: Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different + doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada!

+

JERRY: (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!

+

SALLY: Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This + doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat.. + I think it's a riot!

+

JERRY: (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.

+

SALLY: Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her + fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves)

+

(View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he reaches + back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's pants) Too + much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth)

+

JERRY: My pants!

+

(A stagehand enters)

+

STAGEHAND: Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: NYC street]

+

(Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting an + ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on the subway. + The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage spills all over + Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before it could be damaged. Scene + cuts to the Maestro's office)

+

MAESTRO: Elaine? What a surprise.

+

ELAINE: I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give + you this.

+

MAESTRO: Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent - that electric toothbrush + I've heard so much about..

+

ELAINE: No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this.

+

(The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber band off. + He unravels the poster on his desk)

+

MAESTRO: Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed poster of my favorite + tenor, with.. those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico!

+

ELAINE: Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany..

+

STAGEHAND: (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're on!

+

MAESTRO: Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? We'll celebrate.

+

ELAINE: Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle + of wine. It spills all over the poster)

+

(Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing + as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows. Picking + up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he starts to instruct + the band, he stops when he finds out his baton is bent out of shape. He + turns and looks at the audience apologetically as the music fades to a + stop)

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: George and Susan's apartment]

+

(Susan's holding her doll defensively)

+

SUSAN: I want to know why you took my doll out of the house.

+

GEORGE: I just wanted a second opinion.

+

(There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it - it's Frank)

+

FRANK: (Holding up the picture) Take a look at this. Doesn't that look + like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- (His attention is drawn + over to Susan's doll. Like George did earlier, he starts to imagine that + the doll is scolding him as his wife would)

+

DOLL: Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous!

+

FRANK: (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous! + (Struggles with Susan for possession of the doll) Come here!

+

SUSAN: (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!

+

(Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head clean off + the body)

+

FRANK: (Holding out the head in his hand, he addresses it) There! Now + what have you got to say for yourself?!

+

GEORGE: (To Susan) I told you it looked like her..

+

(Scene ends)
+ [Setting: A street in Tuscany]

+

(Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he believes + to be his cousin)

+

FRANK: (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! It's me, Frank! (Attempts + to hug the guy, but he resists - pushing Frank away. He scolds Frank in + another language) I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?

+

MAN: Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.

+ +

FRANK: (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. (Picking up his present) + I guess I was wrong. (Walks off)

+

(Scene ends)

+

END OF SHOW.
+

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+

Jerry Seinfeld ( Himself)

+

Julia Louis-Dreyfus ( Elaine)

+

Michael Richards (Kramer)

+

Jason Alexander (George)

+

Len Lesser ( Uncle Leo)

+

Barbey Martin (Morty)

+

Liz Sheridan (Helen)

+

Billye Ree Wallace [ Nana ]

+

Christa Miller [ Paula ]

+

Dana Wheeler-Nicholson [ Shelly ]

+

Guy Siner [ Mandel ]

+

Ellis E. Williams [ Karl ]

+

Coby Turner [ Judy ]

+

Wayne C. Dvorak [ Teacher ]

+

Norman Brenner [ Passerby ]

+

written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer

+

directed: Andy Ackerman

+

Transcribed by Mohamel March 2000

+

Opening Monologue

+

Jerry: (word missing)....they call themselves exterminators but + they can't really do it. The best they can do

+

is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them + , y'know what I mean, they're bug

+

realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy + here , there's a lotta crumbs not much light,

+

ahmmm they usually sleep through the night, so you'll really have + a (?) of the place. Nobody really cares

+

about killing insects, even the animal rights people don't care. + You could probably walk into an animal

+

rights organization meeting and hear a speech like; The only way + to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing

+

on animals is ( slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , is to boycott these + companies.

+

George: Jerry it's funny , Paula and I actually met because of + Elaine.

+

Paula: Elaine is in my drawing class at the new school

+

George: ..And I went down there one time to see...

+

Jerry: (cuts in) A nude model.

+

George: If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.

+

Jerry: You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me + see her naked. Hundreds of people see

+

her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing.

+

George: Are you through?

+

Jerry: Yeah!

+

George: So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches + and it turns out,they're Paula's.

+

Paula: George, I just like to doodle

+

Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.

+

George: Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!

+

Jerry: What?

+

George: What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth , + she just spit them out.

+

Jerry: (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on + these and put them on the plate?

+

Shelly: Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them?

+

Jerry: Soo...

+

Shelly: I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?

+

Jerry: No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..

+

Shelly: Yeah!

+

Jerry: It's just...

+

Shelly: Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to + the ladies room.

+

Paula: I'll join you.

+

Jerry: Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food.

+

George: Well I've done that.

+

Jerry: Yeah, but with you it's intentional.

+

George: Haven't you kissed her?

+

Jerry: Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi + digested food stuff. You know the next stop

+

is the stomach and you can take it from there.

+

 

+

George stops a passing busboy

+

 

+

George: Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at + his reflection in a coffee pot.)

+

Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.

+

George: This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance.

+

Jerry: Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big + deal about the pecan.

+

George: Hehummm , Yeah!

+

Jerry: Thanks.

+

George: No problem.

+

 

+

The girls return from the ladies room.

+

 

+

Shelly: Well Jerry , I guess we should get going .

+

Jerry: Ah! boy.

+

George: Well , it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be + careful ,there's a lot of nuts out there.

+

( to Paula) All right you have everything?

+

Paula: Can you grab my purse.

+

George: Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper + . he looks annoyed.

+

 

+

Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he picked + up

+

Jerry: Yeah! So

+

George; Don't you see what this is?

+

Jerry: Yeah! It's a doodle.

+

George: Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , + the ears, all my features are distorted.

+

Jerry: Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.

+

George: I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.

+

Jerry: It's just a drawing.

+

George: Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like + somebody ,if you think they look like this?

+

 

+

Elaine walks in

+

 

+

George: (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily)

+

Elaine: What is with him?

+

Jerry: the usual

+

Elaine: So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a + job at Viking Press.

+

Jerry: Good for you

+

Elaine: Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, + they got a two bedroom suite, there ,

+

for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?

+

Jerry: Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just + so you could stay in a hotel room.

+

 

+

Elaine: I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never + stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation

+

Jerry: Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.

+

Elaine: ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida.

+

Jerry: Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way.

+

Elaine: Hey. What's this.?.

+

Jerry: Don't ask.

+

 

+

Elaine: What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo

+

Jerry: No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)

+

 

+

George comes back

+

 

+

Elaine: It is..

+

 

+

George: You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine)

+

Elaine: Sorry.

+

George: You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class?

+

Elaine: Tomorrow .

+

George: All right, I want you to do me a favor.

+

Elaine: What?

+

George: I want you to find out is she likes me.

+

Elaine: Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George + come on can't you just talk to her yourself?

+

George: But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes + me.

+

Jerry: You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up + to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming....

+

 

+

Jerry's apartment

+

 

+

Kramer: Well, they're in...

+

Jerry: What's in?

+

Kramer: The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!

+

 

+

Jerry: Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for + two weeks a year..

+

Kramer: Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year + for this.. Oooh this is fantastic..

+

Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in + your mouth.....Take a taste

+

Jerry: Nah, I don't wanna

+

 

+

Kramer: Come on ,Just take a taste

+

Jerry: I don't want it..

+

Kramer: Come on JUST TASTE!!!

+

Jerry: I DON'T WANT IT ....

+

Kramer: HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!

+

Jerry: I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan + last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach.

+

Kramer: Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief + period. It's like the Aurora Borealis.

+

 

+

Jerry scratches his ankle furiously

+

Jerry: ..What is this?

+

Kramer: What?

+ +

Jerry: Yeah! I think I got flea bites.

+

Kramer: Flea bites?

+

Jerry: Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up.

+

Kramer: You got a dog?

+

Jerry: No.

+

Kramer: Well, that is strange.

+

Jerry: How could I have fleas?

+

Kramer: Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas.

+

Jerry: What did you do about them?

+

Kramer: What do you mean?...

+

 

+

Jerry's parents come through the door.

+

Morty: Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer

+

Helen: Hi Jerry......What's wrong?

+

Jerry: Nothing...

+

Helen: Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it?

+

Jerry: Mom, Dad.....I have fleas..

+

 

+

Elaine's drawing class

+

 

+

Elaine: Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza?

+

Paula: How did you know??

+

Elaine: Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're + totally cute and everything.

+

Paula: He said that?

+

Elaine: Ha hum...Do you like George?

+

Paula: Yeaaah! he's cool.

+

Elaine: No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him?

+

Paula: Like like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know?

+

 

+

Teacher: Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum?

+

Elaine: (nods) HumHummmm....

+

 

+

Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher turns + around she makes a throwing up

+

motion at Paula .

+

Later at jerry's

+

 

+

Karl: Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full + outbreak of fleas on your hands.

+

jerry: I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog.

+

Karl: I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.

+

Jerry: I don't understand this..

+

Karl: I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog + it. That's the only way to get rid of them.

+

Jerry: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in + town.

+

Karl: Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. + This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my

+

stuff, it's in the truck.

+

Jerry: Okay..

+

Elaine comes in

+

Elaine: Hi....???

+

Jerry; Bug guy.

+

Elaine: Why do you have a bug guy?

+

Jerry: I have fleas.

+

Elaine: Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on + the couch) How did you get fleas?

+

Jerry: I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment + for two days. I don't know what I'm

+

gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel + and if they go to someplace on their

+

own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have + you checked in The Plaza yet?

+

Elaine: No....Oh No....

+

Jerry: Come on,c'mon

+

Elaine: No, No...

+

Jerry: c'mon ,c'mon....

+

Elaine: No, No...

+

Jerry: c'mon, c'mon....

+

Elaine: No, No....Yesss!!!!!!

+

Jerry: Yes!!!

+

 

+

Door buzzer

+

Jerry: Yes!!!

+

George: yeah!

+

Elaine: Well what about you. Where you gonna stay?

+

Jerry: I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be + upset from the masticated pecan incident.

+

Elaine: Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet + he'll be relieved.

+

Jerry: Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way + Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to

+

my parents. They brought it with 'em.

+

Elaine: Yeah that's just some stuff about the company.

+

George: Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula?

+

Elaine: Yeah.

+

George: So what did she say?

+

Elaine: She...likes you..

+

George: She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that?

+

Elaine: Ya!

+

George: Those were her exact words, I like George.

+

Elaine: Yep!

+

George: Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get + myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what?

+

Elaine: For nothing..

+

George: ha Ha..

+

Elaine: In fact she said that looks aren't even that important + to her...

+

George: You see.....WHAT!!

+

Elaine: Ah Oh!!

+

George: She said looks aren't important to her?

+

Elaine: Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said....

+

George: She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.

+

Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people + out there walking around, but they don't know they're

+

ugly, because nobody actually tells them.

+

George: .....So what's your point?

+

Jerry: I dunno...

+

Elaine: Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you.

+

George: Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was + good looking....At least I can get somebody else.

+

(scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?

+

jerry: That'd be the fleas.

+

 

+

At the Plaza Hotel

+

 

+

Jerry: Hey!!!

+

Morty: Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!

+

Helen: Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice.

+

Morty: Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look + , Macadamian nuts.

+

Helen: Macadamian nuts?

+

Morty: Hey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut.

+

Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right?

+

Jerry: Yeah! it's all taken care of.

+

Morty: ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john + here.

+

 

+

Outside Elaine's building

+

 

+

Elaine: Judy .

+

judy: Hey!!!!.

+

Elaine: Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press + .

+

Judy: It is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript + a good read.

+

Elaine: Manuscript?

+

Judy: Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to + see that you can read

+

an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.

+

Elaine: Oooh!!

+

Judy: Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your + career.

+

Elaine: Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go..

+

Judy: Hey! What about lunch?

+

Elaine: (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...

+

 

+

Catches up with Jerry on the street.

+

 

+

Elaine: Thank god I found you..

+

Jerry: Oh! Hey!

+

Elaine: You still got that Fedex?

+

Jerry: Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go + in there it's being fumigated.

+

Elaine: No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat + and head back to his place)

+

 

+

Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation + Do not enter"

+

Jerry: You see?

+

Elaine: Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..

+

Jerry: I told you to take it.

+

Elaine: Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had + to read...

+

Jerry: Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there.

+

 

+

Kramer comes out of the apartment.

+

Kramer: I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.

+

Jerry: Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.

+

Kramer: Toxic gas!!!

+

Jerry: Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple + of minutes.

+

Kramer: An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just + couldn't put it down.

+

Elaine: My manuscript?

+

Jerry: How do you feel?

+

Kramer: Now that you mention it , a little woozy.

+

Elaine: Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript.

+

Kramer: I'm not going back in there!!

+

Elaine: all right then, where is it??

+

Kramer: I left it on the coffee table or somethin'

+

Jerry: Well wh..wh.what are you doing?

+

Elaine: I'm going in .

+

Jerry: Didn't you see the sign on the door?

+

Kramer: Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in + while you're with a girl.

+

 

+

Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters. + She goes to the coffee

+

table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk + then the dinner table.

+

She runs out of air so she has to rush out.

+

 

+

Elaine: ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is + it?

+

Kramer: Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen...

+

Elaine: Okay... bathroom....kitchen.

+

Jerry: Can you get me a soda?

+

 

+ +

Elaine goes back in

+

Kramer: Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get + out of the building.

+

 

+

Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives + up.

+

 

+

Elaine: (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you + get fleas anyway?

+

Jerry: I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment.

+

Elaine: I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all + I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers.

+

I couldn't....

+

Jerry: Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?

+

Elaine: Yeah!

+

Jerry: Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that + left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!!

+

I've got him.

+

 

+

Newman's door . Jerry knocks

+

 

+

 

+

Jerry: Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there.

+

Newman: Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.

+

Jerry: There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the + crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it..

+

Newman: Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I + , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind...

+

Jerry: Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your + little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman

+

is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry + turns around)

+

Newman: So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state + of disrepair. Maybe you live in

+

squaller.(?)

+

Jerry: You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate + the skin and they start to...itch.

+

Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or + twenty but after a while, no matter

+

how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because + they're crawling , crawling on your skin.

+

Up your legs , up your spine , up your back.....

+

Newman: (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm + ripped with fleas ( scratches

+

furiously)

+

 

+

Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.

+

Morty: Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred + bucks an hour but I'm telling ya

+

he's worth every penny OOOOHH!

+

Helen: I'm next.

+

Morty: Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View.

+

Leo: I love these nuts.

+

Nana: This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder)

+

Helen: Nana!!!

+

Nana: He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up

+

 

+

On the street in front of a flower shop

+

 

+

George: Hello..

+

Paula: What's the matter?...

+

George: Well I spoke to Elaine...

+

Paula: Hey! Look , no shave.

+

George: No...Why should that make any difference to you?

+

Paula: It doesn't..

+

George: Of course not. You don't care what I look like.

+

Paula: That's right I don't.

+

George: I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and + walk around like this and you wouldn't care?

+

Paula: Not a wit.

+

George: Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd + be wearing sneakers and jeans and that

+

would be fine too.

+

Paula: You can wear sweatpants.

+

George: I could..

+

Paula: (seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all + I care.

+

George: Velvet...

+

 

+

Monks

+

 

+

Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?

+

Kramer: Oh! yeah.

+

Elaine: Huh . So What's it about?

+

Kramer: Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled + enthusiasm.

+

Elaine: unbridled enthusiasm...?

+

Kramer: Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

+

Elaine: Oh! boy.

+

Kramer: You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might + say a cockeyed optimist,

+

who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy + and international intrigue.

+

Elaine: Oh! my God.

+

Kramer: ah! Here we go.

+

Elaine: (to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks.

+

Kramer: May I..( pointing her food)

+

Elaine: (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.

+

Kramer: what is this?

+

Elaine: What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food)

+

Kramer: I can't taste this.

+

Elaine: What are you talking about?

+

Kramer: This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( + realizes) It must be the toxic gas

+

from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)

+

 

+

At Shelley's

+

 

+

Jerry: Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here.

+

Shelley: Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think + it'd be a problem.

+

Jerry: ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..

+

Shelley: What's the matter?

+

Jerry: I forgot my toothbrush.

+

Shelley: Oh! no problem.....You can use mine.

+

Jerry: Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later.

+

Shelley: Brush now.

+

Jerry: (long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the + toothbrush)

+

 

+

 

+

Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.

+

 

+

 

+

Kramer: Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..

+

Newman: What for, you got your own.

+

Kramer: Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin' + , Can't even taste a Macanaw.

+

Newman: ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.

+

Kramer: Waited all year and I can't even taste it..

+

Newman: You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them + all to me.

+

 

+

At Viking Press.

+

 

+

Elaine: It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and.... + unbridled enthusiasm .

+

Mandel: Unbridled enthusiasm.

+

Elaine: Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath + clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

+

Mandel: hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been + so enthusiastic he could have adverted

+

disaster.

+

Elaine: Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was + a simple country boy. Some might say a

+

cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world + diplomacy and International intrigue.

+

Mandel: So.. It was more a question of attitude than politics..

+

Elaine: Yes, yes Mr. Mandel.

+

 

+

Plaza Hotel

+

 

+

Morty: Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it?

+

Leo: No more nuts. Awrghh.....

+

 

+

Monks. George walks in wearing velvet.

+

 

+

 

+

Jerry: Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!

+

George: It's the real deal.

+

Jerry: She's seen you in this thing.

+

George: That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've + been searching for someone a long time.

+

Well the search is over.

+

Jerry: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

+

George: He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.

+

Jerry: Ahh! She threw me out.

+

George: Why?

+

Jerry: I wouldn't use her toothbrush.

+

George: So where are you staying?

+

Jerry: Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.

+

 

+

At Viking again.

+

 

+

Mandel: Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including + several adult features, five shoe

+

shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention + the damage to the room.

+

Elaine: Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. + I ran into the gas , it could have killed

+

me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only + good for two weeks.

+

Mandel: I think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories. + Good day Miss Benes.

+

Elaine: Okay...Good day..

+

Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.

+

Paula: Hi George.

+

George: ( mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the + a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach?

+

Paula: Oh! yeah I love those.

+

George: Too bad , it's all done.

+

 

+

Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in + disbelief , then disgust.

+

Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.

+

 

+

Kramer: ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a + passerby) Hey! What's the date today?

+

Passerby: The fifteenth.

+

Kramer: Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still + + make it. Wait.. Newman...

+

Newman: Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit?

+

Kramer: ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember + the mailman don't you.

+

( unleashes a dog)

+

Dog proceeds to chase after Newman

+

Finally at The Plaza Hotel

+

Elaine: ( knocks) Hello is anybody here?..

+

Leo: They said they were sending an Asian woman.

+

Elaine: Oh! my God.

+

 

+

End + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+ + + + +
+

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The Doorman

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+ + Transcribed by Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness
+
+ Episode Number: 104
+ Original Air Date: February 23, 1995
+
+ Written by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+
+ Recurring Cast:
+ Estelle Harris (Estelle Costanza)
+ Jerry Stiller (Frank Costanza)
+ Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt)
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Larry Miller (Doorman)
+ Patrick Cronin (Farkus)
+ Reni Santoni (Poppie)
+ Edith Fields (Mrs. Payton)
+ Nick Jameson (Horst)
+ Jack Betts (Mr. Green)
+ Barbara Pilavin (German Woman)
+ Toni Sawyer (Tenant #1)
+ Nigel Gibbs (Tenant #2)
+ Deck McKenzie (Delivery Man)
+ Trudi Forristal (Buxom Woman)
+
+
+ [Nightclub]
+
+ Jerry's standup act.
+
+ JERRY: You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike? + They
+ have a union, in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now + you would
+ think, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would + be
+ like without them, it would be doormen. (as belligerent doorman) "Let's + see how
+ they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they + walk in,
+ it's... you know. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield
+ at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We + demand shorter
+ yellows, and longer reds!"
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. A doorman, + stood
+ reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone to the + doorman's
+ voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.
+
+ DOORMAN: Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you?
+
+ JERRY: (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine + Benes.
+
+ DOORMAN: (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by + that
+ name.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.
+
+ DOORMAN: Oh. House-sitting, mmm.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ DOORMAN: What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?
+
+ JERRY: Can I just go up?
+
+ DOORMAN: Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? + I
+ should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.
+
+ The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes the + button
+ for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it to arrive. + The
+ doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the unfriendly + smile on
+ his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator is still + not
+ moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.
+
+ JERRY: How 'bout those Knicks?
+
+ DOORMAN: Oh, I see. On the sports page...
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ DOORMAN: ...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? + Oh, I
+ know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.
+
+ Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the elevator + will come
+ and rescue him.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ George and Kramer walk along together.
+
+ KRAMER: So, you think your parents'll get back together?
+
+ GEORGE: I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes + this
+ kasha, it stinks up the whole house.
+
+ Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with a German + flag
+ painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front of George + and
+ brings them to a halt.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, George, stick 'em up.
+
+ GEORGE: What?
+
+ KRAMER: For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.
+
+ GEORGE: Why?
+
+ KRAMER: So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw + a real
+ New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.
+
+ Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, giving the
+ impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.
+
+ KRAMER: Awright, hands up, porky!
+
+ On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They look out + the
+ window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer is feeling + through
+ George's pockets with his free hand.
+
+ KRAMER: That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy!
+
+ The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on the glass. + Kramer
+ grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.
+
+ KRAMER: (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!
+
+ GEORGE: Alright, that's enough.
+
+ KRAMER: I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, + now you
+ better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!
+
+ Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've witnessed.
+
+
+ [Mr. Pitt's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment.
+
+ ELAINE: Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.
+
+ Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.
+
+ JERRY: I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.
+
+ ELAINE: What guy?
+
+ JERRY: The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What + time does
+ he get off?
+
+ ELAINE: Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary
+ noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.
+
+ + JERRY: Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?
+
+ ELAINE: (unhappy) I...
+
+ JERRY: We'll still make the movie.
+
+ ELAINE: (accepting) Okay, okay.
+
+ Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously look at + their
+ watches.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is in a shirt,
+ mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.
+
+ GEORGE: What'd you do today, dad?
+
+ FRANK: Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this + record,
+ but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.
+
+ GEORGE: I don't have a hi-fi.
+
+ FRANK: Didn't I give you my old record player?
+
+ GEORGE: (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo.
+
+ FRANK: Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?
+
+ KRAMER: I'm Cosmo.
+
+ FRANK: Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record.
+
+ KRAMER: (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.
+
+ GEORGE: (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat?
+
+ FRANK: (putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt.
+
+ George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank unfastens + his
+ shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso exposed + as the
+ shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George looks horrified,
+ and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.
+
+
+ [Mr. Pitt's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, holding + the
+ curtain open and looking down at the street.
+
+ ELAINE: Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.
+
+ JERRY: Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar.
+
+ The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves to answer + it.
+
+ ELAINE: No, don't...
+
+ JERRY: (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt.
+
+ Elaine looks exasperated.
+
+ ELAINE: (quietly) Give that to me.
+
+ ELAINE: (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?
+
+ Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.
+
+ MR. PITT: (concerned) Elaine, are you having a party?
+
+ ELAINE: A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.
+
+ Jerry is peering out of the window again.
+
+ JERRY: Alright, he just left. We can go.
+
+ MR. PITT: (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.
+
+ ELAINE: Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) + Oh,
+ can you grab those empty bottles for me.
+
+ Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by the desk.
+
+ MR. PITT: I need to know what's in the mail.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're + trying
+ to catch a movie.
+
+ MR. PITT: (resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I + need to
+ know what's in the mail.
+
+ ELAINE: Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.
+
+ Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There is a new + doorman on
+ duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the door open + for him.
+ Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.
+
+
+ [Mr. Pitt's Apartment]
+
+ Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread out + on the
+ floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's benefit.
+
+ ELAINE: ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People...
+
+ MR. PITT (O.C.): (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands a familiar
+ figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.
+
+ DOORMAN: Hey, buddy.
+
+ JERRY: (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building
+ too?
+
+ DOORMAN: Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the + table
+ for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't + it?
+
+ JERRY: So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come + home and
+ stand outside your own building?
+
+ DOORMAN: You got a problem with that?
+
+ JERRY: Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk + to you.
+ Goodbye.
+
+ Jerry walks away.
+
+ DOORMAN: (calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me, + don't
+ you?!
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George is wearing + a
+ purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks as if + he might
+ never want to eat again.
+
+ GEORGE: My father opened his shirt...
+
+ JERRY: Yeah, and?
+
+ GEORGE: (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.
+
+ KRAMER: (matter of fact) He had breasts.
+
+ George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on eating. + Jerry
+ thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.
+
+ JERRY: What d'you mean, breasts?
+
+ GEORGE: (waves his hands) Big breasts!
+
+ JERRY: So what? A lot of older men have that.
+
+ KRAMER: No, not these. These were real hooters.
+
+ Jerry pulls a face at the thought.
+
+ GEORGE: I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying + Game.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.
+
+ GEORGE: (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like + father
+ like son?
+
+ JERRY: But, your father's not bald.
+
+ GEORGE: No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from + + your
+ grandfather.
+
+ JERRY: Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.
+
+ George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. He continues + to
+ look deeply worried.
+
+ KRAMER: You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging
+ around. He should wear something for support.
+
+ GEORGE: You mean like a bra?
+
+ KRAMER: A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment
+ specifically designed for men.
+
+ JERRY: Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?
+
+ KRAMER: I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.
+
+ Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making her way + to the
+ door, as she passes the booth she notices George.
+
+ BUXOM WOMAN: (indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins.
+
+ GEORGE: (thinking she means the breasts) What!!
+
+ BUXOM WOMAN: Our shirts. They're the same.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, Huh, imagine that.
+
+ The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over to Jerry. + She's
+ not happy about something.
+
+ ELAINE: (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?
+
+ JERRY: What? Nothing.
+
+ ELAINE: (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and + started
+ harassing him.
+
+ JERRY: What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do + to him?
+ 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?
+
+ ELAINE: Hey, did you make the movie?
+
+ JERRY: No.
+
+ ELAINE: You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.
+
+ JERRY: Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when + I come by?
+
+ ELAINE: Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?
+
+ JERRY: Yes, we do.
+
+ Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George is holding + the
+ neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the garment + at his
+ chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, to see + if
+ there's any movement.
+
+ ELAINE: What is wrong with George?
+
+ JERRY: He's... trying to get something off his chest.
+
+ George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his wallet + to pay the
+ cheque.
+
+ GEORGE: (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking + him off
+ my hands.
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman standing
+ inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.
+
+ DOORMAN: Help you?
+
+ JERRY: (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed + to be
+ gone.
+
+ DOORMAN: I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal + affairs to
+ attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. + We don't
+ stab each other in the back, like people in your world.
+
+ JERRY: (trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I + don't have
+ a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. + I'd
+ really just like to be friends.
+
+ DOORMAN: You wanna be friends?
+
+ JERRY: I'd like to be.
+
+ DOORMAN: Then watch the door for a minute, would you?
+
+ The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the counter.
+
+ JERRY: What?
+
+ DOORMAN: Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.
+
+ JERRY: Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?
+
+ DOORMAN: It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live + here.
+ And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here.
+ (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.
+
+ JERRY: Oh.
+
+ The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which he's not + thrilled
+ about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator open, + and a
+ young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. After + a second,
+ Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door to allow + the woman
+ to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past Jerry into + the
+ elevator vacated by the woman.
+
+ JERRY: (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello!
+
+ The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street door opens + and
+ another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.
+
+ JERRY: Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
+
+ MR. GREEN: (indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty + years.
+ Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you + arrested.
+
+ Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the building, + but he
+ looks resentful about it.
+
+ JERRY: (after the guy) You think you're better than me?
+
+
+ [Bus]
+
+ George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, it + rattles,
+ shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. George + is
+ strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might be some
+ movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices another + guy
+ on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his coat tight + shut,
+ and crosses his arms firmly.
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper. + A FedEx
+ delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and scans a + barcode
+ on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches,
+ disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits for something.
+
+ DELIVERY GUY: (indicating) You have to sign for it.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, right.
+
+ Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then goes back + to the
+ newspaper.
+
+ DELIVERY GUY: (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?
+
+ Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.
+
+ JERRY: (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
+
+ The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. Jerry + puts
+ the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's no sign + of the
+ + doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing it with + a wave of
+ the hand as he moves to the elevator.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable record + player.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh.
+
+ FRANK: Thank you, Kramer.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah.
+
+ FRANK: (indicating a chair) Put it over there.
+
+ Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the couch, + not moving
+ very easily.
+
+ KRAMER: So, how you feeling?
+
+ FRANK: Tired.
+
+ KRAMER: Uh huh. Your back hurt?
+
+ FRANK: How did you know?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage + up
+ there.
+
+ FRANK: (looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you + ever
+ considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches + into his
+ pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.
+
+ Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated fabric.
+
+ FRANK: You want me to wear a bra?!
+
+ KRAMER: No, no. A bra is for ladies.
+
+ Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest.
+
+ KRAMER: Meet, the bro.
+
+
+ [Estelle's Car]
+
+ Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.
+
+ ESTELLE: So, is your father excited about coming home?
+
+ George is miles away.
+
+ ESTELLE: George?
+
+ GEORGE: (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma?
+
+ ESTELLE: All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about + your
+ roots.
+
+ ESTELLE: She was a lovely woman.
+
+ GEORGE: Yuh. What about physically?
+
+ ESTELLE: Physically?
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like?
+
+ ESTELLE: Well, you've seen pictures.
+
+ GEORGE: (to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures.
+
+ ESTELLE: So what?
+
+ GEORGE: Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?
+
+ ESTELLE: Big? No, just my height.
+
+ GEORGE: Bosomy?
+
+ ESTELLE: Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?!
+
+ GEORGE: (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information + could
+ be relevant.
+
+ ESTELLE: Where do you get your genes from?!
+
+ GEORGE: (to himself) That's what I'd like to know.
+
+
+ [Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Elaine and Jerry ride down.
+
+ ELAINE: I can't believe you left your post.
+
+ JERRY: He left me there. You see the mind games?
+
+ The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants standing
+ around, and a uniformed cop taking notes.
+
+ ELAINE: (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here?
+
+ TENANT 1: Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.
+
+ Jerry and Elaine look shocked.
+
+ TENANT 2: Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door?
+
+ ELAINE: (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. Frank and + Kramer
+ are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer stands + behind
+ Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and George and + Estelle
+ enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and look stunned.
+
+ ESTELLE: (shocked) Oh, my god!
+
+ George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind a relatively
+ unfazed Frank.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's red + dress,
+ give a very noirish look to the scene.
+
+ ELAINE: What were you doing watching the door anyway?
+
+ JERRY: He asked me to. We were getting along.
+
+ ELAINE: (thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman
+ knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell + Mr.
+ Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.
+
+ JERRY: Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets + stolen?
+ Maybe he's setting me up!
+
+ ELAINE: (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. + I gotta
+ think. We gotta get our story straight.
+
+ JERRY: Alright, well what if we say...
+
+ ELAINE: Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. + You came
+ to pick me up...
+
+ JERRY: I came to pick you up.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah. That's what I just said.
+
+ JERRY: I know. I was just...
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.
+
+ JERRY: Alright, well. Just, start again, then.
+
+ ELAINE: Okay, you came to pick me up at...
+
+ JERRY: Right.
+
+ ELAINE: You see? Again.
+
+ JERRY: What? I said right.
+
+ Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.
+
+ ELAINE: Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.
+
+ + JERRY: But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.
+
+ ELAINE: (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!
+
+ JERRY: But I don't know if this is gonna work.
+
+ ELAINE: (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. + We'll be
+ fine. Let me do the talking!
+
+ JERRY: Okay.
+
+ ELAINE: Good. Now fix me a drink.
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro.
+
+ KRAMER: How's that feel?
+
+ FRANK: This feels very comfortable.
+
+ KRAMER: You see?
+
+ FRANK: I feel ten years younger.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you.
+
+ Frank walks a few paces.
+
+ FRANK: And I can breathe easier, too.
+
+ KRAMER: I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, + you have
+ a friend in the bra business, right?
+
+ FRANK: Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.
+
+ KRAMER: (claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be + me, you
+ and the bro, bro.
+
+ FRANK: Let's do it!
+
+ Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.
+
+ FRANK: Except, we gotta do something about the name.
+
+ KRAMER: Why, what's wrong with bro?
+
+ FRANK: No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.
+
+ KRAMER: Alright, you got something better?
+
+ FRANK: How 'bout uh... the mansiere?
+
+ KRAMER: Mansiere?
+
+ FRANK: That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it?
+
+ George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.
+
+ GEORGE: (upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again.
+
+ FRANK: Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere?
+
+ George looks down at the floor for a few seconds.
+
+ GEORGE: Dad. We need to talk.
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. Payton.
+
+ DOORMAN: I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door + for a
+ few minutes.
+
+ Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls to the elevator.
+
+ MRS. PAYTON: Why should I believe you?
+
+ DOORMAN: (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend.
+
+ Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk to her. Elaine
+ looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.
+
+ MRS. PAYTON: I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch + robbery.
+
+ The doorman peers over at the conversing
+
+ ELAINE: Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the + doorman
+ say?
+
+ MRS. PAYTON: He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.
+
+ ELAINE: (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination,
+ doesn't he?
+
+ Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. He + brings
+ out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward Mrs. Payton.
+
+ DOORMAN: Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain + why a
+ Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton) + at
+ the exact same time the couch was stolen.
+
+ Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks sick, as + she's
+ caught out.
+
+ ELAINE: (in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't + know
+ how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't + know
+ how to do anything.
+
+ The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet smile of + triumph.
+
+ ELAINE: (desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. + He's
+ playing all these mindgames.
+
+ The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an animated + Elaine
+ facing them.
+
+ JERRY: You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?
+
+ ELAINE: (worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal
+ Express slip with your signature on it.
+
+ JERRY: (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me + up from
+ day one!
+
+ ELAINE: Is it possible we were victims of a sting?
+
+ JERRY: I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.
+
+ Jerry stares off, as he imagines...
+
+
+ [Jerry's Imagination]
+
+ In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand around the
+ unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.
+
+ DOORMAN 2: So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch?
+
+ DOORMAN: No. I was just messing with his head.
+
+ DOORMAN 2: And they think they're better than us?
+
+ The doormen whoop it up again
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.
+
+ ELAINE: Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?
+
+ Jerry snaps back to the here and now.
+
+ ELAINE: We have to replace the couch.
+
+ JERRY: Now we have to buy a new couch?!
+
+ A thought occurs to George.
+
+ GEORGE: (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you + gave me?
+
+ JERRY: The one with the Poppie stain?!
+
+ GEORGE: Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep.
+ (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.
+
+ ELAINE: But it's got a pee-stain on it.
+
+ GEORGE: No, the cushion's turned over.
+
+ ELAINE: (not sure) I guess.
+
+ GEORGE: (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. + It
+ couldn't be more perfect!
+ +
+
+ [Sid Farkus' Office]
+
+ Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer and Frank. + Kramer
+ is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.
+
+ KRAMER: Now, it's called the bro.
+
+ FRANK: Or, the mansiere.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, but I prefer the bro.
+
+ FRANK: I like mansiere.
+
+ Kramer puts the bro on the desk.
+
+ FARKUS: Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah.
+
+ FARKUS: You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only + utilising
+ fifty percent of the market.
+
+ FRANK: (to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh?
+
+ KRAMER: (to Frank) I told you.
+
+ FARKUS: And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some + support. I
+ know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.
+
+ FRANK: (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon.
+
+ Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.
+
+ FARKUS: (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks? + Velcro?
+ What?
+
+ KRAMER: Uh.
+
+ FRANK: Definitely velcro.
+
+ Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.
+
+ KRAMER: Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her + fumbling
+ and struggling back there.
+
+ The three of them chuckle at the thought.
+
+ KRAMER: I think we've all experienced that.
+
+ They share a manly laugh.
+
+ FARKUS: Summer nights.
+
+ The laughter continues for a moment.
+
+ KRAMER: (pointing at Farkus) Very funny.
+
+ FARKUS: Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont...
+
+ KRAMER: Of course, yes.
+
+ FARKUS: ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think + we're
+ sitting on a winner.
+
+ Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype and + moves
+ toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.
+
+ FARKUS: (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about + you and
+ Estelle separating.
+
+ Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.
+
+ FRANK: Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move + on.
+
+ FARKUS: (thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful + woman. I
+ uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay + with
+ you, if I were to ask her out?
+
+ FRANK: (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get + the nerve
+ to ask me something like that?!
+
+ FARKUS: Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...
+
+ Kramer tries to calm Frank down.
+
+ FRANK: I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!!
+
+ FARKUS: No, Frank...
+
+ FRANK: C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy.
+
+ Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm him down' + look and
+ follows Frank out the door.
+
+ KRAMER (O.C.): Frank!
+
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a suitcase.
+
+ GEORGE: Jerry took the couch back.
+
+ FRANK: He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it?
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, I pleaded with him.
+
+ FRANK: Where am I supposed to sleep?
+
+ GEORGE: Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's + coming
+ to get you.
+
+ KRAMER: I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?
+
+ George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.
+
+ FRANK: What stain?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.
+
+ George bites his lip and shakes his head.
+
+ FRANK: (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?
+
+ GEORGE: (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over.
+
+ FRANK: (anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!!
+
+ George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at the door.
+
+ GEORGE: Ah! There's mom, there's mom.
+
+ George races over and opens the door.
+
+ ESTELLE: Is it safe to come in?
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course.
+
+ ESTELLE: You're not having any of your transvestite parties?
+
+ FRANK: Will you stop it?
+
+ ESTELLE: (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him + trying on
+ my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!
+
+ As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out the record + player.
+
+ FRANK: Here, Cosmo...
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, hey.
+
+ FRANK: ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now...
+
+ KRAMER: Awright, I got it.
+
+ FRANK: ...I got one at home.
+
+ George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming from his + face.
+
+ ESTELLE: Alright, let's go.
+
+ Kramer opens the door.
+
+ FRANK: We'll go out for dinner tonight.
+
+ ESTELLE: I can't tonight, I'm busy.
+
+ FRANK: What d'you mean, busy?
+
+ ESTELLE: I'm having dinner with someone.
+
+ FRANK: With whom?
+
+ George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.
+
+ ESTELLE: Sid Farkus.
+
+ FRANK: (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman.
+
+ George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready to help + carry
+ + them out to the car.
+
+ ESTELLE: Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em.
+
+ FRANK: Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!
+
+ Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.
+
+ GEORGE: (upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep!
+
+ FRANK: We'll work something out.
+
+ George drops the cases in disappointment.
+
+
+ [Street]
+
+ The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer comes around + the
+ corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, one + of the
+ witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he passes. + She climbs
+ out of the bus and points after Kramer.
+
+ GERMAN WOMAN: Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!
+
+ Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after him. He + turns
+ back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off the bus + and join
+ the woman as she follows Kramer.
+
+ GERMAN WOMAN: Stop that man! It's him.
+
+ Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, pushing + past
+ bystanders as the tourists close on him.
+
+ GERMAN WOMAN: Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know, + I know.
+ Help. Stop him.
+
+ Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's trapped + by the
+ tourists, who block his escape.
+
+ HORST: Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours.
+
+ KRAMER: Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.
+
+ HORST: You're a thief. We have proof.
+
+ Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.
+
+ HORST: What is that?
+
+ Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He holds it + up
+ against his body, to illustrate his words.
+
+ KRAMER: The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed + for
+ men.
+
+ One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the shoulder + at
+ Kramer's explanation.
+
+ HORST: How does it connect in the back? With a hook?
+
+ KRAMER: Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.
+
+ The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are all looking + much
+ more jovial.
+
+ HORST: (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem, + ah?
+
+ The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and the portly + German
+ holding the bro up to himself.
+
+ HORST: Is gut, ja?
+
+
+ [Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. Mrs. + Payton
+ regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as the delivery + men
+ leave.
+
+ MRS. PAYTON: Well, I suppose it'll have to do.
+
+ ELAINE: It's a beautiful couch.
+
+ JERRY: It's hardly been used.
+
+ Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, and a + familiar
+ character steps out and is noticed by Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: Poppie!
+
+ POPPIE: Oh, hello, Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: What're you doing here?
+
+ POPPIE: Visiting my friend.
+
+ JERRY: Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?
+
+ POPPIE: Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no
+ aggravation.
+
+ JERRY: Hmm.
+
+ POPPIE: So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I + get
+ excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, + was in
+ the restaurant. With your friend.
+
+ Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. Jerry + nods,
+ remembering and in sympathy.
+
+ POPPIE: She start the big fight, about abortion.
+
+ Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her approach, + and is
+ not happy.
+
+ POPPIE: It's you! It's you!
+
+ ELAINE: Wha...?
+
+ POPPIE: You! I... I gotta sit down!
+
+ Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.
+
+ JERRY: No, Poppie! No!!
+
+ Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified expressions, + of
+ Jerry and Elaine.
+
+ [George's Apartment]
+
+ George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying a small + bowl.
+ George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs into bed + whilst
+ keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank settles + back.
+ Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when a thought + occurs.
+ Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George a taste.
+
+ FRANK: Kasha?
+
+ George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have fallen onto + the
+ bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's bowl.
+
+ GEORGE: No. Thanks, dad.
+
+ Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches off + his
+ bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles down beneath + the
+ bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches on his bedside + lamp.
+ Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own face, + as Frank
+ continues to eat his kasha.
+
+ [END]

+ + + + + + + +

 

+ + + + +
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The Engagement

+ +

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+ + Transcribed in Korea by for some esl class and then final editing by + TheNewsGuy(Mike)

+

Cast

+

======

+

Mario Joyner [ Himself (The friend)],

+

Janni Brenn [ Woman #2 ],

+

Mailon Rivera [ Cop #1 ],

+

Athena Massey [ Melanie ],

+

Ron Byron [ Man ],

+

Renee Phillips [ Alice ],

+

Cindy Cheung [ Woman #1 ]

+

Broadcast: 21 Sep 95

+

Episode 1, year 7

+

Written by: Larry David

+

Directed by: Andy Ackerman

+

 

+

Scene

+

[George's Apartment]

+

+

George: Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem + is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one + of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old + fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure + he feels good.

+

Liz: Checkmate.

+

George: I don't think we should see each other any more.

+

+

Scene

+

At Elaine:'s. She's trying to get some rest. [dogs barking]

+

+

Elaine: Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.

+

+

Scene

+

[Monk's]

+

+

Jerry: And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's + pretty sick.

+

George: I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after + something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the + only reason.

+

Jerry: Yeah, what else?

+

George: All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions + is? Happy, Pappy?

+

Jerry: Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?

+

George: Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll + say, "Happy, Pappy?"

+

Jerry: Oh, you're "Pappy".

+

George: I'm "Pappy".

+

Jerry: Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it?

+

George: Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? George: I'm much more comfortable + criticizing people behind there backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You + just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you" + while you were watching TV.

+

Jerry: Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!

+

George: What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a + haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.

+

Jerry: Ahh.

+

George: What?

+

Jerry: What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?

+

George: What?

+

Jerry: OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. + We're not men.

+

George: No, we're not. We're not men.

+

Jerry: We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these + women.

+

George: I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.

+

Jerry: Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?

+

George: . We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty.

+

Jerry: We're pathetic… you know that?

+

George: Yeah, Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

+

Jerry: Why can't I be normal?

+

George: Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.

+

Jerry: It would be nice to care about someone.

+

George: Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember Susan: + ? The one that used to work for NBC?

+

Jerry: Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.

+

George: No. It didn't take.

+

Jerry: Oh.

+

George: Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great.

+

Jerry: Hmm.

+

George: You thought she was good looking, right?

+

Jerry: See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think?

+

George: I was just curious.

+

Jerry: Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, + you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she + shushed me. George:, I am really gonna make some changes.

+

George: Yes. Changes.

+

Jerry: I'm serious about it.

+

George: Think I'M not?

+

Jerry: I'm not kidding.

+

George: Me, too.

+

+

Scene

+

[At Jerry:'s. He's on the phone]

+

+

Jerry: Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 5? 3? Oh, it + was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, + I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey!

+

Kramer: What?

+

Jerry: I had a very interesting lunch with George: Costanza today.

+

Kramer: Really?

+

Jerry: We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized + we're kids. We're not men.

+

Kramer: So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more + to life?"

+

Jerry: Yes. We did.

+

Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.

+

Jerry: There isn't?

+

Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry:? + Marriage? Family?

+

Jerry: Well...

+

Kramer: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get + up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. + It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right + if I use the bathroom now?

+

Jerry: Really?

+

Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.

+

Jerry: I can?

+

Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know + what you do at dinner?

+

Jerry: What?

+

Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have + a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, + I don't know. How about you? How was your day?

+

Jerry: Boy.

+

Kramer: It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..

+

Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk.

+

Kramer: Oh, you have no idea.

+

+

Scene

+

[Apiphany scene - on the pier]

+

+

George: La-la-la...

+

+

Scene

+

[Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just dragged + in]

+

+

Kramer: Hey.

+

Jerry: Hey.

+

Elaine: Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep + because of that dog.

+

Kramer: What dog?

+

Kramer: Yeah. What dog?

+

Elaine: This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that + never never stops barking..

+

Kramer: Don't...

+

Elaine: I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't + work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? + What am I gonna do?

+

Kramer: Well, there is something you can do.

+

Elaine: What? Kramer:, I'll do anything.

+

Kramer: Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?

+

Jerry: You're going to rub out the dog?

+

Kramer: No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes + in exactely these kinds of sticky situations.

+

Elaine: Uh-huh.

+

Jerry: What, you're considering this?

+

Kramer: Look, just meet with him. ?????.

+

+

Scene

+

[Newman's - dark and dangerous]

+

+

Elaine: I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming + up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything.

+

Newman: Of course. Obviously.

+

Elaine: Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

+

Newman: What kind of dog did you say it was?

+

Elaine: Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it.

+

Newman: I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type + of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across.

+

Newman: If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, + USELESS BEASTS . . .

+

Kramer: Newman: ! Stop it!!

+

Newman: Anyway.

+

Elaine: Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing + myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do?

+

Newman: Well, Elaine:, There's any number of things I could do. But, + + I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you + again. So, what's it going to be?

+

Elaine: No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't.

+

Kramer: I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate + and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.

+

Newman: Yeah, I suppose.

+

Kramer: Huh?

+

Elaine: I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. + I'll let you know.

+

Newman: Of course. Take your time. I be here.

+

+

Scene

+

[George: is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.]

+

+

George: La-la-la-la-la-la-la! [flashbacks to Susan: ]

+

+

Scene

+

[Elaine's .- makes phone call]

+

+

Elaine: All right. Let's do it.

+

Newman: Excellent. Excellent.

+

+

Scene

+

[Restaurant]

+

+

Jerry: How come you're eating your peas one at a time?

+

Melanie I'm sorry.

+

+

Scene

+

[Susan's]

+

+

Susan: Who is it?

+

George: It's George:.

+

Susan: George:? George:, what is it?

+

George: Will you marry me?

+

+

Scene

+

[George is on the phone.]

+

+

George: Ma, guess what!

+

Mrs. C: Oh, my god!

+

George: No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.

+

Mrs. C: You're what?

+

George: I'm getting married?

+

Mrs. C: Oh, my god! You're getting married?

+

George: Yes!

+

Mrs. C: Oh, I can't believe it. Frank, come here.

+

Frank: You come here.

+

Mrs. C: Georgie's getting married.

+

Frank: What?

+

Mrs. C: Georgie's getting married.

+

Frank Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?

+

Mrs. C Yes.

+

Frank To a woman?

+

Mrs. C: Of course to a woman. What's she look like?

+

Frank: I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.

+

George: What difference does it make what she looks like?

+

Mrs. C: Is she pretty?

+

George: Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make?

+

Mrs. C: Oh, I'm just curious.

+

Frank: She's not pretty?

+

Mrs. C: Let me talk to her.

+

George: She wants to talk to you.

+

Susan: : Uh, hello?

+

Mrs. C: Congratulations!

+

Susan: : I just want you to know that I love your son very much.

+

Mrs. C: You do?

+

Susan: : Yes.

+

Mrs. C Really?

+

Susan: : Yes.

+

Mrs. C: May I ask why?

+

Frank Okay...

+

Mrs. C: Will you stop. I'm on the telephone.

+

Frank :Can I talk to her, please?

+

+

Scene

+

[Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.]

+

+

Jerry: Hey!

+

Kramer: Hey!

+

Jerry: What are you up to?

+

Kramer: Nothing.

+

Jerry: What's the rope for?

+

Kramer: Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go.

+

Jerry: The dog. You're getting the dog.

+

George: Hey, Kramer:, where are you going?

+

Kramer: Out.

+

George: Don't go. Kramer:! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did + it.

+

Jerry: Did what?

+

George: I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan: to marry + me. We're getting married this Christmas.

+

Jerry: You're getting married?

+

George: Yes!

+

Jerry: Oh, my god!

+

George: I'm a man. Jerry:, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because + of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. + That lunch was the defining moment of my life.

+

Jerry: I'm blown away.

+

George: You're blown?

+

Jerry: Wow!

+

George: You like that?

+

Jerry: And she said "Yes"?

+

George: It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was just like those + guys in the movies. And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't believe + my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You + think she's good looking, right?

+

Jerry: You're gonna have gorgeous kids.

+

George: Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..

+

Jerry: Pinkish hue?

+

George: Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? + I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?

+

Jerry: Well...actually, we kind of broke up.

+

George: You what?

+

Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's + got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never + seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've + had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. 4But she scooped + them.

+

George: . . . she scooped her niblets?

+

Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.

+

George: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?

+

Jerry: What?

+

George: What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook + hands on a pact. 9Did you not shake my hand on it uh?

+

Jerry: You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a + pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married.

+

George: Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were + both uh...

+

Jerry: You thought I was gonna get married?

+

George: Well, maybe not married, but...

+

Jerry: I mean, you love Susan: , right?

+

George: Yeah.

+

Jerry: You want to spend the rest of your life with her

+

George: . . . . . . Yeah.

+

Jerry: So?

+

George: Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.

+

Jerry: No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight?

+

George: Yeah.

+

Jerry: I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight.

+

George: Yeah.

+

Jerry: Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! How about some champagne?

+

George: Champagne?

+

Jerry: Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!

+

George: Okay! Alright!

+

Jerry: You know what? No champagne. . . . I'll see you later.

+

George: Yeah.

+

+

Scene

+

[Night outside]

+

+

Elaine: That's it. That's it. Stop right here.

+

Newman: All right, give me the rope.

+

Elaine: What? What do you need a rope for?

+

Newman: Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you.

+

Elaine: I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.

+

Newman: I knew you'd back out.

+

Elaine: Kramer:, are we doing a bad thing?

+

Kramer: Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's + house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing + in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing + this dog a real favor.

+

Elaine: Yeah. That's him.

+

Newman: All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running.

+

+

Scene

+

[George:'s.]

+

+

Jerry: Ready?

+

George: Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.

+

Jerry: Oh, how come?

+

George: Well, I didn't really tell Susan: about it, and she doesn't + really have anything else to do.

+

Jerry: Well, she could come.

+

George: Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm.

+

Jerry: Oh.

+

George: She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.

+

Jerry: Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should + be good.

+

George: Yeah. see you later.

+

Jerry: Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing + at the same Cineplex.

+

Susan: George, better get read

+

George: I am ready.

+

Susan: You wearing that shirt?.

+

George: Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.

+

Jerry: Yeah.

+

George: Okay.

+

+

Scene

+

[In the van.]

+

+

Elaine: What time you got?

+

Kramer: Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.

+

Elaine: What do you do?

+

Kramer: Well, I tell time by the sun.

+

Elaine: How close do you get?

+

Kramer: Well, I can guess within an hour.

+

Elaine: Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have + to look at the sun.

+ +

Kramer: Yeah.

+

Elaine: Well, what about at night? What do you do then?

+

Kramer: Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.

+

Newman: Let's go. Let's go. Move!

+

Kramer: You got it?

+

Newman: What do you think? Drive. Drive.

+

Elaine: Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog?

+

Newman: Yep.

+

Elaine: But he's so small.

+

Newman: Yeah, but he's a fighter.

+

Elaine: That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one?

+

Newman: Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the + second courtyard.

+

Elaine: How could that be the dog?

+

Kramer: Well, get him to bark.

+

Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.

+

Newman: All right. Bark.

+

Elaine: Bark.

+

Newman: Bark.

+

+

Scene

+

[At the theater]

+

+

Susan: Did you like it?

+

George: Yes, it was very, very good.

+

Susan: Oh, do you think he'll ever find her again?

+

George: Oh, I sure hope so.

+

Jerry: How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he + was shooting back at them as he was falling?

+

Friend: What about that underwater escape?

+

Jerry: Oh, man!

+

+

Scene

+

[In the van]

+

+

Kramer: Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it.

+

Newman: ???????

+

Elaine: You think we're far enough.

+

Newman: We're practically to Monticello.

+

Kramer: Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. + This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go + of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's.

+

+

Scene

+

Jerry:'s on the phone with his newly imprisoned buddy, Georgie.

+

+

George: Hello?

+

Jerry: Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this?

+

George: They are?

+

Susan: George:, you coming to bed? I'm taping mad About You.

+

George: Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

+

Jerry: What was that?

+

George: Uh, nothing. I got to go.

+

Jerry: Oh, Mattingly just sinled .

+

George: You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal.

+

Jerry: I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.

+

George: Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from.

+

Jerry: We come from the same place.

+

Susan: George:, I'm starting it.

+

George: I got to go.

+

+

Scene

+

[At the pooch's pad. ]

+

+

Lady Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you. What's + this? Hmm. Rudy's.

+

+

Scene

+

[Elaine's bedroom - dog barking]

+

+

Elaine: No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.

+

+

Scene

+

[At Jerry:'s. ]

+

+

Elaine: I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically + in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's + no way.

+

Jerry: Very strange.

+

Elaine: I know.

+

Jerry: So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?

+

Elaine: Oh, I can't Jerry:. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.

+

Jerry: All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.

+

Elaine: News? What news?

+

Jerry: Sorry!

+

Elaine: What? What?

+

Jerry: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl + Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total + shock.

+

Elaine: Oh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please, please, please, please!

+

Jerry: George Costanza...

+

Elaine: Yeah?

+

Jerry: Is getting married!

+

Elaine: Get out!

+

+

Scene

+

[Outside kramer's apartmen]

+

+

Kramer: Hi.

+

Cop: You Cosmo Kramer:?

+

Kramer: Uh, yes. Yeah.

+

Cop: You recognize this piece of fabric?

+

Kramer: Oh, yeah, that's...

+

Cop: What?

+

Kramer: What?

+

Cop: You're under arrest.

+

Kramer: Arrest?

+

Cop: I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including + a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so + compressed it completely collapsed the right side..

+

Jerry: Newman: .

+

+

Scene

+

[Cop at Newman: 's door]

+

+

Newman: What took you so long?

+

+

Scene

+

[back of a Cop car]

+

+

Kramer: Hey, what do you think they'll do to us?

+

Newman: Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll + be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch.

+

Elaine: I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What + kind of life is this?

+

+

[George and Susan: in bed - MAY music]

+

END

+ + + + +
+ + + + +
+

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+ +
+ Transcribed by Mark Brockbank
+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
+ (Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits + as two lines above are included - Thanks)

+ +


+ Episode Number: 151
+ Original Air Date: March 13, 1997
+
+ Written by: Steve Koren
+ Directed by: Andy Ackerman
+
+ Recurring Cast:
+ John O'Hurley (J. Peterman)
+ Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld)
+ Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld)
+
+ Guest Cast:
+ Lloyd Bridges (Izzy)
+ Chelsea Noble (Danielle)
+ O'Neal Compton (Earl Haffler)
+ Lisa Mende (Carol)
+ Gene Dynarski (Izzy Jr.)
+ Marco Rodriguez (Guillermo)
+ Joseph Urla (Dugan)
+ Jill Talley (Gail)
+ Jill Holden (Lisa)
+ Todd Jeffries (Blaine)
+ Earl Schuman (Izzy Sr.)
+ Edgar Small (Sid Luckman)
+ Lauren Bowles (Waitress)
+ Juan Garcia (Jaime)
+ Jeff Miller (Neil)
+
+
+ [Subway Train]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading
+ newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.
+
+ JERRY: You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession
+ stand?
+
+ ELAINE: Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the
+ banjo?
+
+ JERRY: He's wailing on that banjo.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: I just don't understand the raisinettes.
+
+ ELAINE: The sax player?
+
+ JERRY: Yeah.
+
+ ELAINE: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another
+ box of raisinettes.
+
+ ELAINE: So?
+
+ JERRY: Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.
+
+ ELAINE: HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.
+
+ JERRY: Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
+
+ ELAINE: He's a musician.
+
+ JERRY: Musicians. Get a real job.
+
+ They shrug and return to their reading.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress comes + over
+ to take his order.
+
+ WAITRESS: What d'you want?
+
+ GEORGE: Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.
+
+ The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. Behind + him, a
+ beautiful woman enters, and approaches him.
+
+ DANIELLE: (to George) Neil.
+
+ The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention.
+
+ DANIELLE: Neil.
+
+ George turns to face the woman.
+
+ DANIELLE: (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed + to meet
+ my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.
+
+ GEORGE: (bemused) Really?
+
+ DANIELLE: (smiling) Yeah.
+
+ GEORGE: (pointing to himself) Like me?
+
+ DANIELLE: Uh-huh. Sorry.
+
+ Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.
+
+ GEORGE: (confused, to himself) Like me? But how?
+
+ The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the counter
+ before George.
+
+ WAITRESS: Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?
+
+ GEORGE: Yes, yes, I am.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment]
+
+ Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer has brought + in
+ a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.
+
+ KRAMER: Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was
+ closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.
+
+ Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the front of + the
+ shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.
+
+ KRAMER: Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
+
+ JERRY: (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: (examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.
+
+ George enters.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey.
+
+ JERRY: Hey.
+
+ GEORGE: Hey. You ready?
+
+ JERRY: Almost.
+
+ KRAMER: Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop + off
+ some Cubans for me at your parents' house?
+
+ JERRY: (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new + condo.
+ I'm gonna be busy.
+
+ KRAMER: Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
+
+ JERRY: (grudging) Alright.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeahh. I owe you one.
+
+ JERRY: (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.
+
+ Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from the fridge + and
+ wanders into the living room, talking.
+
+ GEORGE: Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful
+ girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
+ +
+ JERRY: (continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.
+
+ GEORGE: (incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out)
+ This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
+
+ JERRY: Maybe he has money.
+
+ GEORGE: (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same,
+ except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
+
+ JERRY: (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
+
+ GEORGE: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. + Or
+ wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
+
+ JERRY: (picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
+
+ Jerry opens the door as George looks at him.
+
+ GEORGE: (pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.
+
+ George leaves, followed by Jerry.
+
+
+ [Outside Movie Theatre]
+
+ Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.
+
+ BLAINE: So, what d'you wanna see?
+
+ ELAINE: (indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?
+
+ BLAINE: (indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's + up
+ for all those Oscars.
+
+ Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing Blaine's
+ choice.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
+
+ BLAINE: It's a family in a brown paper bag.
+
+ ELAINE: (laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
+
+ BLAINE: No.
+
+ Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy in the + ticket
+ booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'.
+
+ ELAINE: (disappointment) Aww. Sold out.
+
+ BLAINE: (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient.
+
+ Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine buys tickets.
+
+ ELAINE: So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George enters + and
+ sees her.
+
+ GEORGE: (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like
+ Neil?
+
+ DANIELLE: (smiling back) Hi.
+
+ GEORGE: Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?
+
+ DANIELLE: Oh, no. He got held up at work.
+
+ GEORGE: Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how + we look
+ so similar.
+
+ DANIELLE: Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.
+
+ GEORGE: (disappointment) Oh. Course not.
+
+ DANIELLE: No, you're a little taller.
+
+ George looks ever more bewildered.
+
+ DANIELLE: You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work + out?
+
+ GEORGE: (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...
+
+ Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and she's not
+ against the idea.
+
+ GEORGE: ...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone
+ number?
+
+ Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.
+
+
+ [Outside Movie Theatre]
+
+ Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English Patient.
+
+ ELAINE: (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English
+ Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!
+
+ BLAINE: I kinda liked it.
+
+ ELAINE: (firm) No you didn't.
+
+ From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over to see + her.
+ They're all holding tissues.
+
+ CAROL: Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient?
+
+ GAIL: (tearful) Didn't you love it?
+
+ LISA: How could you not love that movie?
+
+ ELAINE: How about, it sucked?
+
+ CAROL: That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him.
+
+ ELAINE: (aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.
+
+ Blaine gives Elaine a strange look.
+
+
+ [Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista]
+
+ Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness equipment + -
+ exercise bike, weights, etc.
+
+ MORTY: Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They + got
+ medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
+
+ JERRY: Stairmaster?
+
+ MORTY: What?
+
+ JERRY: Nothin'.
+
+ MORTY: (opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?
+
+ Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.
+
+ JERRY: Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
+
+ MORTY: No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and
+ thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
+
+ JERRY: You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
+
+ In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, and begins
+ doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.
+
+ MORTY: Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy
+ Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch
+ this.
+
+ Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.
+
+ MORTY: See that? You couldn't do that.
+
+ JERRY: I could, but I choose not to.
+
+ Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an exercise + bike
+ and climbs aboard.
+
+ SID: Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this?
+
+ MORTY: This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks + he
+ can lift more than Izzy.
+
+ JERRY: (protesting) I..I didn't say that.
+
+ SID: (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you + can.
+
+ Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they drop to + the
+ floor with a clunk.
+
+ IZZY: Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.
+
+ JERRY: (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
+
+ SID: That's not so funny.
+
+ IZZY: (challenging) Think you're better than me, huh?
+
+ + MORTY: Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.
+
+ JERRY: (jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
+
+ IZZY: Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down)
+ Let's see you lift that.
+
+ JERRY: (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...
+
+ IZZY: C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!
+
+ JERRY: (consenting) Alright.
+
+ IZZY: Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house.
+
+ Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily.
+
+ JERRY: There. Alright?
+
+ IZZY: Step aside, stringbean.
+
+ Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy steps + in
+ front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.
+
+ IZZY: I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch.
+
+ Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any effort into + the
+ lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror comes + to
+ his face.
+
+ IZZY: (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.
+
+ Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. The circular
+ weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until he's + face
+ down on the floor.
+
+ IZZY: (drawn out) Aaaahh.
+
+ Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.
+
+ SID: Somebody, call an ambulance.
+
+ MORTY: (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman.
+ There's room for one more.
+
+
+ [Outside Movie Theatre]
+
+ Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this time. She's
+ buying her ticket from the booth.
+
+ ELAINE: (handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the
+ ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.
+
+ Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and Lisa coming + out.
+
+ ELAINE: (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?
+
+ LISA: We just saw The English Patient again.
+
+ GAIL: It's even better the second time.
+
+ ELAINE: They make it longer?
+
+ Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.
+
+ BLAINE: (to the girls) Got my umbrella.
+
+ ELAINE: (shocked) Blaine!?
+
+ BLAINE: Elaine.
+
+ ELAINE: I thought you were busy tonight.
+
+ BLAINE: (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can + be
+ with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.
+
+ ELAINE: It's just a stupid movie.
+
+ BLAINE: (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.
+
+ CAROL: (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go.
+
+ BLAINE: (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!
+
+ Blaine walks away with the girls.
+
+ ELAINE: (fierce) I will!
+
+
+ [Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista]
+
+ Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and Morty are + in
+ their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.
+
+ HELEN: (accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be
+ ashamed of yourself.
+
+ JERRY: (defensive) He egged me on.
+
+ HELEN: You should be more mature.
+
+ JERRY: He's eighty!
+
+ MORTY: (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise.
+ Now, goodnight.
+
+ Morty begins to head to the bedroom.
+
+ HELEN: (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too
+ tight.
+
+ MORTY: This shirt will never leave my body.
+
+ Helen follows Morty down the short hallway.
+
+ HELEN: (to Jerry) Goodnight.
+
+ JERRY: (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.
+
+ There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three
+ Hispanic-looking guys.
+
+ GUILLERMO: Jerry Seinfeld please.
+
+ JERRY: Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got + the
+ cigars?
+
+ The guys enter.
+
+ GUILLERMO: What cigars?
+
+ JERRY: Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
+
+ GUILLERMO: (indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans.
+
+ Jerry stares, stunned.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista]
+
+ Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on the stove, + and
+ Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and Kramer answers.
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.
+
+ In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out couch + and
+ a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.
+
+ JERRY: (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!
+
+ KRAMER: I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
+
+ JERRY: Cigars!
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I + got
+ these guys.
+
+ JERRY: (incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?
+
+ KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.
+
+ Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.
+
+ JERRY: (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.
+
+ Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.
+
+ MORTY: (without looking up) Who are they?
+
+ JERRY: They're Cuban cigar rollers.
+
+ MORTY: (walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.
+
+ Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone.
+
+ JERRY: What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
+
+ KRAMER: Hot and spicy.
+
+ JERRY: (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
+
+ KRAMER: Yes I am.
+
+ JERRY: What colour is it?
+
+ Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.
+
+ KRAMER: Damn!
+ +
+ Kramer hangs up the phone.
+
+
+ [New York Hallway]
+
+ George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George has a + napkin
+ in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking at
+ George, very much as if she's interested.
+
+ GEORGE: You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't
+ have to take me out to dinner.
+
+ DANIELLE: I wanted to give it to you in person.
+
+ George shrugs his understanding.
+
+ DANIELLE: (flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, + and I
+ know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.
+
+ Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.
+
+ GEORGE: Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
+
+ DANIELLE: (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.
+
+ GEORGE: (looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I + wanna
+ be home in case Neil calls.
+
+ DANIELLE: Well, goodnight.
+
+ Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away completely
+ oblivious to Danielle.
+
+ GEORGE: (hurried) I'll see you.
+
+ Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her coffee.
+
+ WAITRESS: Rough night?
+
+ ELAINE: Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, + who
+ I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I + don't
+ like that stupid English Patient movie.
+
+ WAITRESS: Really? I thought it was pretty good.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex + scenes!
+ I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
+
+ WAITRESS: (sour) Well, I liked it.
+
+ The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.
+
+ ELAINE: (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello?
+ (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
+
+
+ [Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista]
+
+ Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive Mandelbaum
+ condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit. + Izzy is
+ asleep in the bed.
+
+ JERRY: This is quite a condo.
+
+ MORTY: The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
+
+ JERRY: The crepe place?
+
+ MORTY: Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
+
+ JERRY: (doubtful) There's crepe money?
+
+ Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.
+
+ IZZY: What are you doing here?
+
+ JERRY: (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell + you
+ how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
+
+ Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.
+
+ IZZY: What the hell is that?
+
+ JERRY: What?
+
+ IZZY: That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad?
+
+ MORTY: This was a gift from my son.
+
+ Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.
+
+ IZZY: Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta
+ commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number
+ one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one.
+
+ Izzy starts to move to get out of bed.
+
+ JERRY: Mr Mandelbaum, please.
+
+ IZZY: It's go time.
+
+ Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy freezes in + his
+ stance, arms raised.
+
+ IZZY: (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.
+
+ Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern.
+
+ MORTY: Call an ambulance.
+
+ JERRY: I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
+
+ Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.
+
+
+ [Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista]
+
+ Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried
+ George sits at the table.
+
+ JERRY: (disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because + you
+ thought some guy might be calling you?!
+
+ Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.
+
+ GEORGE: (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how + he
+ could get a girl like Danielle.
+
+ JERRY: (pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget + about
+ Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
+
+ GEORGE: (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
+
+ JERRY: I don't know, but you better keep it up.
+
+ GEORGE: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil + in
+ town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!
+
+ George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.
+
+ JERRY: (to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole
+ operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.
+
+ In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing + the
+ '#1 DAD' shirt.
+
+ MORTY: Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back
+ specialist?
+
+ JERRY: I will, I just walked in the door.
+
+ HELEN: You have to go see him.
+
+ JERRY: Ma.
+
+ MORTY: Helen, will you stop bothering him.
+
+ HELEN: Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head.
+
+ MORTY: Number One, signing off.
+
+ The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill)
+ What's going on!?
+
+ JERRY: What?
+
+ KRAMER: (animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
+
+ JERRY: So?
+
+ KRAMER: So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's + off.
+
+ JERRY: What's the difference?
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else + like
+ it.
+ +
+ JERRY: (confused) We're talking about people, right?
+
+ KRAMER: Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These
+ guys don't have it.
+
+ JERRY: I thought they smelled pretty nice.
+
+ KRAMER: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
+
+ JERRY: Is not.
+
+ KRAMER: Is too.
+
+ JERRY: Is not.
+
+ KRAMER: Is too.
+
+ JERRY: I'm not having this conversation.
+
+ KRAMER: Are too.
+
+ JERRY: Am not.
+
+ KRAMER: Are too.
+
+ JERRY: Am not.
+
+ KRAMER: Are too.
+
+
+ [J Peterman's Office]
+
+ Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee pick + up
+ notes, photographs, etc.
+
+ PETERMAN: Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient
+ film last night. It was extraordinary.
+
+ DUGAN: (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.
+
+ Dugan walks away.
+
+ PETERMAN: Elaine, what'd you think?
+
+ ELAINE: (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't
+ tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
+
+ PETERMAN: (aghast) You haven't seen it?
+
+ ELAINE: (shakes head) No.
+
+ PETERMAN: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.
+
+ Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.
+
+
+ [The New York Hospital]
+
+ Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.
+
+ JERRY: Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the + best.
+ So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try + and
+ find my number.
+
+ Jerry turns to walk out.
+
+ IZZY: Uh, oh, wait.
+
+ Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He holds it + up to
+ his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest DAD!'
+
+ IZZY: How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for + me.
+
+ JERRY: (humouring him) That's very nice.
+
+ IZZY: The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better
+ than just number one.
+
+ JERRY: Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.
+
+ Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and raps on + the
+ door, attracting Izzy's attention.
+
+ IZZY: Hi, son.
+
+ IZZY JR.: Hi daddy.
+
+ JERRY: (surprise) This is your son?
+
+ IZZY: I got married in high school.
+
+ IZZY JR.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
+
+ IZZY: This is Seinfeld's kid.
+
+ IZZY JR.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring + up to
+ Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
+
+ JERRY: (jocular) You got any kids?
+
+ IZZY JR.: Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, + pick
+ out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.
+
+ JERRY: (trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything.
+
+ IZZY: (pointing) The television.
+
+ JERRY: (under his breath) Oh no.
+
+ Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.
+
+ IZZY JR.: This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.
+
+ Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching sound as + he
+ tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. Jerry cringes + in
+ the background.
+
+ IZZY JR.: (pained) Ohh! My back!
+
+ IZZY: (urgent) Call an ambulance.
+
+ JERRY: (laconic) We're already in a hospital.
+
+
+ [Earl Haffler's Office]
+
+ A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking,
+ stetson-wearing, Texan businessman.
+
+ HAFFLER: Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
+
+ KRAMER: (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
+
+ Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.
+
+ KRAMER: They're right out here.
+
+ Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, and the + three
+ guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.
+
+ KRAMER: Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
+
+ Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two.
+
+ HAFFLER: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in + a
+ Cuban wrapper now, would you?
+
+ KRAMER: (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any + more
+ Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
+
+ HAFFLER: (confusion) We're talking about people, right?
+
+ KRAMER: (puzzled) I think so.
+
+ HAFFLER: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
+
+ KRAMER: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks + for
+ a second) ...Dennis.
+
+ HAFFLER: (dubious) Dennis Castro?
+
+ KRAMER: Uh, Dwayne.
+
+ HAFFLER: Get the hell outta my office.
+
+ KRAMER: (shrill) What!?
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.
+
+ DANIELLE: You know, Neil called me today.
+
+ GEORGE: (interested) Really?
+
+ DANIELLE: Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with
+ you.
+
+ GEORGE: (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.
+
+ DANIELLE: He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee.
+
+ GEORGE: (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with + me.
+ +
+ DANIELLE: (surprised) What?
+
+ GEORGE: (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
+
+ Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused.
+
+
+ [Movie Theatre]
+
+ Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient is playing + and
+ many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman is particularly
+ emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces of popcorn + up
+ in the air to try and catch them in her mouth.
+
+ PETERMAN: (emotional) And I thought I knew what love was.
+
+ One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind her + seat.
+ Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping in + her
+ seat wearily.
+
+ ELAINE: (indifferent) Yuh.
+
+
+ [Monk's]
+
+ Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging from + a
+ bottle of some anti-acid medication.
+
+ JERRY: (incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?
+
+ GEORGE: I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
+
+ JERRY: (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
+
+ George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.
+
+ GEORGE: (animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
+
+ JERRY: What if it's Neil Diamond?
+
+ GEORGE: (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!
+
+ JERRY: Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
+
+ GEORGE: What, to see the old guy?
+
+ JERRY: No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.
+
+ GEORGE: How old's the son?
+
+ JERRY: I think he's the same age as the father.
+
+ GEORGE: What is with this family?
+
+ JERRY: I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to + bench
+ press the casket.
+
+ Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, to where + the
+ three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then he moves
+ over to join Jerry and George.
+
+ KRAMER: (quietly) Hey, Jerry.
+
+ Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb.
+
+ KRAMER: (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
+
+ JERRY: You're cold?
+
+ KRAMER: No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.
+
+ JERRY: Something wrong with your chest?
+
+ KRAMER: (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.
+
+ JERRY: (leaning round Kramer) Where?
+
+ KRAMER: (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
+
+ Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness, + as they
+ try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.
+
+ KRAMER: Over there. The Dominicans.
+
+ JERRY: Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
+
+ KRAMER: Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them + to
+ do.
+
+ GEORGE: So?
+
+ KRAMER: So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You
+ know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
+
+ In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if to underscore + a
+ point in his argument.
+
+ JERRY: Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
+
+ KRAMER: (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and + the
+ people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself,
+ shrill) El Presidente!
+
+ Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at the sound.
+
+
+ [The New York Hospital]
+
+ Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.
+
+ JERRY: I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.
+
+ IZZY JR.: I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.
+
+ JERRY: He couldn't handle the weight.
+
+ IZZY: (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me?
+
+ IZZY JR.: (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!
+
+ JERRY: (placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're
+ both better than me.
+
+ IZZY: Okay.
+
+ An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. He spreads
+ his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.
+
+ IZZY SR.: My boys.
+
+ IZZY: My dad.
+
+ IZZY JR.: My grandpa.
+
+ JERRY: (incredulous) Oh, come on!
+
+ IZZY SR.: (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?
+
+ JERRY: He was trying to lift the TV.
+
+ IZZY SR.: (pointing) That TV?
+
+ Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.
+
+ JERRY: (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.
+
+ Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound
+
+ IZZY IZZY SR.. (O.C.): (pained) Oohh!
+
+
+ [The New York Hospital]
+
+ All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same room.
+
+ IZZY SR.: Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!
+
+ IZZY: I still thought you could do it.
+
+ IZZY JR.: Me too.
+
+ IZZY/IZZY JR/IZZY IZZY SR.: (chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum,
+ Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
+
+ JERRY: Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
+
+ IZZY: Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've
+ ruined our business with all your macho head games.
+
+ JERRY: (defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
+
+ IZZY: Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll + the
+ crepes. We gotta close it up.
+
+ JERRY: (uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?
+
+ IZZY: Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts + the
+ magic in Magic Pan!
+
+ JERRY: (thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?
+
+ IZZY: Yeah.
+
+ JERRY: (having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.
+
+ Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back.
+ +
+ IZZY SR.: (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.
+
+ Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. HE carries + it
+ across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places it.
+
+ JERRY: Here.
+
+ Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.
+
+ IZZY: You think you're better than us,don't you?! Huh!?
+
+
+ [Movie Theatre]
+
+ Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. Peterman
+ stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic with boredom.
+
+ PETERMAN: Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't + take my
+ eyes off the passion.
+
+ ELAINE: (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's + too
+ long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid
+ desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!
+
+ The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back in her seat.
+
+ PETERMAN: (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie?
+
+ ELAINE: (shouts) I hate it!!
+
+ CROWD: Shh!
+
+ ELAINE: (shouts) Oh, go to hell!!
+
+ PETERMAN: (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're
+ fired.
+
+ ELAINE: (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.
+
+ Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.
+
+
+ [Magic Pan Restaurant]
+
+ Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.
+
+ JERRY: He was gonna fire you?
+
+ ELAINE: The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go + and
+ visit the Tunisian desert.
+
+ JERRY: Tunisia?
+
+ ELAINE: That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.
+
+ JERRY: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
+
+ ELAINE: I have to live in a cave.
+
+ JERRY: (sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
+
+ Kramer comes over to the booth.
+
+ KRAMER: These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at + that.
+ It's like they're rolling a double corona.
+
+ The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling them around
+ fillings.
+
+ KRAMER: (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
+
+ The Dominican smiles back.
+
+ Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth with + Neil.
+ Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera.
+
+ DANIELLE: I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over.
+
+ Neil's head drops at this news.
+
+ DANIELLE: Come on, let's just eat our crepes.
+
+ The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various tables.
+
+ At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and a jet of
+ scalding hot filling squirts out into his face.
+
+ CUSTOMER: (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!
+
+ At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded with + a
+ faceful of blistering filling.
+
+ Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid jets into + his
+ face.
+
+ DANIELLE: (concerned cry) Neil!
+
+ The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. Elaine,
+ Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.
+
+ JERRY: Why are the crepes spraying?
+
+ KRAMER: (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them + too
+ tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.
+
+ Another scream rents the air.
+
+
+ [Metropolitan Hospital Center]
+
+ In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with bandages + and
+ an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the remains + of a
+ hospital meal on a tray. George enters.
+
+ GEORGE: Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?
+
+ DANIELLE: Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.
+
+ George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the bed.
+
+ GEORGE: (to Danielle) Whose cane is this?
+
+ DANIELLE: It's Neil's.
+
+ Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes to a + sink in
+ the corner as George speaks.
+
+ GEORGE: (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. + I
+ admire your skills, Mr Peanut.
+
+ Danielle brings back the jug.
+
+ GEORGE: Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got + a key
+ made for you.
+
+ George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.
+
+ DANIELLE: George, I can't move in with you.
+
+ GEORGE: (shocked) What?
+
+ DANIELLE: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.
+
+ GEORGE: (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! + I'll
+ burn myself. I'll burn my parents!
+
+ DANIELLE: Sorry George.
+
+ Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George wanders + toward
+ the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.
+
+ NEIL: (beckoning) George.
+
+ George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.
+
+ NEIL: (quiet triumph) I win.
+
+ George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, closing
+ the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens a few + inches
+ and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of the IV line + and
+ tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it. Then the + hand
+ is withdrawn and the door closes again.
+
+
+ [Plane]
+
+ Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia book. + She
+ listens as a voice comes over the tannoy.
+
+ TAN: Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature
+ presentation...
+
+ ELAINE: (dread) No, no, no, no, no.
+
+ TAN: ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.
+
+ ELAINE: (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.
+
+ Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone from a + + seat
+ beside her wants to get out.
+
+ GUY: Excuse me, please.
+
+ ELAINE: Oh, sure.
+
+ The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely to + his
+ body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a '#1 DAD'
+ t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by.
+
+ ELAINE: (uncomfortable) Ooh.
+
+ The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. Two other + guys
+ in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican guys.
+
+ GUILLERMO: Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your + Magic
+ Pan crepe restaurants...
+
+ From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The other two + guys
+ also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly.
+
+ GUILLERMO: ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!
+
+ There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps, etc.
+
+ GUILLERMO: Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off!
+
+ ELAINE: (annoyed) Aww, nuts!
+
+ [End]
+
+

+ +


+ Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site + + + + + + + + + +

 

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