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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Strongbox</title>
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<h1>The Strongbox</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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George, drinking
|
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tea in his apartment with his girlfriend: "I-I've given this<br>
|
||||
a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break up."<br>
|
||||
Maura: "No."<br>
|
||||
George, after hesitating: "What's that?"<br>
|
||||
Maura: "We're not breaking up."<br>
|
||||
George, after hesitating: "We're not?"<br>
|
||||
Maura: "No."<br>
|
||||
George, after hesitating even longer: "All right."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, with George at Monk's: "She said no?"<br>
|
||||
George: "She said no."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "What did you do?"<br>
|
||||
George: "What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup.
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||||
It's not<br>
|
||||
like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have
|
||||
to turn<br>
|
||||
your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me
|
||||
hear your<br>
|
||||
arguments."<br>
|
||||
George: "Well, I don't really like her."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "That's good."<br>
|
||||
George: "I don't find her attractive."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Solid."<br>
|
||||
George: "I'd like to sleep with a lot of other women."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Always popular."<br>
|
||||
George: "Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food. 'Oh,
|
||||
Mr. Mashed<br>
|
||||
Potatoes, you are so good.'"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You have an airtight case."<br>
|
||||
George: "And in bed--"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "I'm afraid we're out of time."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, pulling out a jewelry case: "Hey."<br>
|
||||
George: "What?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks
|
||||
that he<br>
|
||||
actually wore in the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em at an auction."<br>
|
||||
George: "I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast
|
||||
I'm goin' to<br>
|
||||
next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him."<br>
|
||||
George: "You already have an in. You have the same first name.
|
||||
Jerry."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Oh, that'll intrigue him."<br>
|
||||
George: "Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "George Peppard has been dead for years."<br>
|
||||
George: "Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Glenn, on the street talking with Elaine: "So you would choose
|
||||
your last meal<br>
|
||||
based on the method of execution?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair,
|
||||
I'd go for<br>
|
||||
something hot and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection,<br>
|
||||
feels like pasta. You know, painless, don't want anything to heavy."<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "So, um, why don't we get together some time?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your number?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "I think it'd be better if I called you."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. Do-do
|
||||
you work<br>
|
||||
around here?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "Mmmm... no, not really."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "I think you're very beautiful."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, laughing: "Oh, ha ha. That'll do."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine: "What about Puddy?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks. I think
|
||||
it might be<br>
|
||||
over."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "So, what's this guy about?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number,
|
||||
where he worked.<br>
|
||||
I'll be he's in a relationship."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity.
|
||||
Elaine, you<br>
|
||||
could be dating the Green Lantern!"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Which one is he?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Green suit, power ring."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "I don't care for jewely on men."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment carrying a large box: "Hey.
|
||||
It happened<br>
|
||||
again. Another robbery in the building."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "So you bought a cooler?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "And... what would those be?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations.
|
||||
My Tony,<br>
|
||||
my... military discharge."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You were in the Army?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this
|
||||
key. Because if<br>
|
||||
somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Literally."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "'Literally'? What's that supposed to mean? You mind
|
||||
if I hide this<br>
|
||||
somewhere?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "No, go ahead."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, stuttering gibberish: "A little... privacy, huh?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Oh, come on!"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue. Boy, you
|
||||
wouldn't last a<br>
|
||||
day in the Army."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, going into the hall with Elaine: "How long did you last?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Well, that's classified."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, in the hall with Jerry: "Hey, what if he's married?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Kramer?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "No, the Green Lantern."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "OK!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, going back inside with Elaine: "So, you would date a
|
||||
married guy?<br>
|
||||
That's so hacky."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be
|
||||
the closest I<br>
|
||||
get."<br>
|
||||
[Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally
|
||||
stumbles<br>
|
||||
on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see]<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "You peeked!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "This is your hiding place?!"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "It was under a spoon!"<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
George, in his apartment with Maura: "And so, for all these
|
||||
reasons, we are<br>
|
||||
officially broken up. Thank you, and good night."<br>
|
||||
Maura: "No, George, we're not."<br>
|
||||
George: "But I proved it!"<br>
|
||||
Maura: "I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like
|
||||
launching<br>
|
||||
missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys."<br>
|
||||
George: "Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your
|
||||
key."<br>
|
||||
Maura: "I'm sorry, George, I can't do that."<br>
|
||||
George: "Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!"<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Elaine, walking on the street with Glenn: "So, how is a guy
|
||||
like you not<br>
|
||||
involved?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "Well, I might ask you the same thing."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, in her mind: "That's true, maybe he's not married."<br>
|
||||
[Glenn gives her a flower]<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Oh, that is so sweet."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, in her mind: "How long do I have to hold this?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn, seeing a woman on the street: "Oh, no."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Who is it?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn, running with Elaine into an alley: "Uh, no one, no one.
|
||||
Here, uh, let<br>
|
||||
me show you a short cut. Come on."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, in her mind: "Married. That's it, I'm chucking the
|
||||
flower."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Elaine, on the street below Jerry's window: "Jerry! Jerry!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, looking down from his window: "Elaine, what are you
|
||||
doin' down there?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "You didn't hear me buzzing?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Oh, I guess it's broken."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Throw down your key."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "I'll catch it!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You'll chicken out at the last second."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Yeah, you're right."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "All right. Well, will you at least keep me company
|
||||
until somebody<br>
|
||||
comes out?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "All right."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, after a pause: "Hey, you know what's weird?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Huh?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "I used to be able to have a huge meal, go right to
|
||||
sleep. But I can't<br>
|
||||
anymore."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Nodding off!"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating
|
||||
on his wife<br>
|
||||
with me."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, to a passerby giving her a dirty look: "We haven't
|
||||
done anything yet."<br>
|
||||
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
||||
Elaine: "I'm hungry. Can you throw something down?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, throwing down a granola bar: "All right. Here!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, walking away from the window: "I'm gonna try and fix
|
||||
the buzzer."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, from the street: "It went in the sewer!"<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, pulling apart his buzzer and finding the problem: "Hey..."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment and seeing him at the buzzer
|
||||
box: "What<br>
|
||||
are you doin'?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom!"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See,
|
||||
you hate it that<br>
|
||||
I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta
|
||||
know<br>
|
||||
everything about it. You're so obsessed with me."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, going into the hallway: "I'm gonna go let Elaine in."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "What are you doing with her?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, hearing the door lock behind him: "Kramer!"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Security issue!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, seeing Elaine walking down the hallway towards him: "Oh,
|
||||
hey. You got<br>
|
||||
in."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, handing him a large stack of papers: "Yeah, flirted
|
||||
with the menu<br>
|
||||
guy."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, taking the menus: "Oh, thanks."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, clattering inside: "That wasn't me!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "So, he's definitely married, huh?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Yeah..."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Boy, I would've loved to have been there when you told
|
||||
him off."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Hmm..."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Oh, come on!"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen
|
||||
him run."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, from inside Jerry's apartment: "OK!"<br>
|
||||
[Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment]<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your
|
||||
head that this<br>
|
||||
is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement."<br>
|
||||
George, from the street below Jerry's window: "Jerry!"<br>
|
||||
[George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention]<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the key
|
||||
in his<br>
|
||||
coat pocket: "I believe this belongs to you."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Heyyyy!"<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him
|
||||
eating a<br>
|
||||
granola bar: "Where did you get that?"<br>
|
||||
George: "I bought it."<br>
|
||||
Phil, walking up to get inside with George: "Thanks."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, starting to close the door: "I'm sorry. I-I don't know
|
||||
you."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "What?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't
|
||||
let you in."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "But, I live here. I ran out to get some birdseed, and-and
|
||||
I forgot my<br>
|
||||
key."<br>
|
||||
George: "Sounds like a scam."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, closing the door on Phil: "Very sorry."<br>
|
||||
George, waiting for the up elevator with Jerry: "So, I broke
|
||||
up with Maura."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Great, you're lonely and miserable again."<br>
|
||||
George: "Feels right."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Is that guy still there?"<br>
|
||||
George, looking at the door: "He's starin' at us."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Don't look at him."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, when Phil starts to knock on the door: "We don't hear
|
||||
that."<br>
|
||||
George: "Want a bite?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "No, I don't."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
George, in his mind: "I think that ginger ale at the coffee
|
||||
shop is just Coke<br>
|
||||
and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit."<br>
|
||||
Maura, coming in George's apartment: "Hey, Honey."<br>
|
||||
George: "What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this
|
||||
relationship,<br>
|
||||
twice."<br>
|
||||
Maura: "George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight."<br>
|
||||
George: "Why does it only seem like I'm the only one working
|
||||
at this breakup?"<br>
|
||||
Maura: "George, I listened to your arguments, and they were
|
||||
rambling and<br>
|
||||
flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some
|
||||
dinner."<br>
|
||||
George: "All right."<br>
|
||||
Maura: "Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Elaine, at Glenn's small, dingy apartment with him: "So, this
|
||||
is your<br>
|
||||
little... love nest?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "It's nothing special, just a little place I keep."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Oh."<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "Ah, should I light a fire?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Oh, that sounds romantic."<br>
|
||||
Glenn, going outside, through the window: "I'm having a little
|
||||
problem with<br>
|
||||
the heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, in her mind: "This is wrong. I should go."<br>
|
||||
Glenn, from outside: "Can you get that, please?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Oh, sure."<br>
|
||||
[Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from the
|
||||
street that<br>
|
||||
Glenn had avoided earlier]<br>
|
||||
Lady: "Where's Glenn?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry.
|
||||
You know, I'm<br>
|
||||
not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I
|
||||
swear."<br>
|
||||
Lady: "Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker.
|
||||
Is he home?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "This is his home?"<br>
|
||||
Lady: "Yes."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "So, he's..."<br>
|
||||
Lady: "Poor."<br>
|
||||
Glenn, coming back through the window carrying an old chair: "I
|
||||
think this<br>
|
||||
will burn!"<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and seeing
|
||||
Phil get<br>
|
||||
in with him: "So you do live here."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "Yeah."<br>
|
||||
[going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence]<br>
|
||||
Jerry, getting off the elevator, as Phil is, too: "You live
|
||||
on this floor?"<br>
|
||||
Phil: "Yeah."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door
|
||||
down from<br>
|
||||
Kramer's: "So you live right... there."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "Yeah."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "So I guess I'll see--"<br>
|
||||
[Phil, going into his apartment, slams the door behind him]<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Elaine, with Jerry at Monk's: "He wouldn't give me his number
|
||||
because he<br>
|
||||
doesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels,
|
||||
with the<br>
|
||||
straps?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "He probably busted it up and burned it for heat."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "How can I end it over money? I feel bad."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor
|
||||
in any other<br>
|
||||
situation?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate
|
||||
on our garbage<br>
|
||||
cans."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Good. How did you handle that?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes
|
||||
in the alley<br>
|
||||
across the street."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Well, I am not paying Glenn off to get out of this
|
||||
relationship.<br>
|
||||
Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand
|
||||
him... well,<br>
|
||||
how much do you think it would be?"<br>
|
||||
George, entering Monk's: "Hey."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Hey, where have you been?"<br>
|
||||
George: "Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up
|
||||
beyond a<br>
|
||||
reasonable doubt."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you
|
||||
know, things<br>
|
||||
would have been so much simpler."<br>
|
||||
George: "Who's this, Blue Arrow?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Green Lantern."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "We found out his super power was lack of money."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "All right."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "He's invulnerable to creditors."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "We get it."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Thank you."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, leaving: "Well crafted."<br>
|
||||
George: "Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use
|
||||
to ditch Maura."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair."<br>
|
||||
George, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's
|
||||
side<br>
|
||||
vacant: "She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth,
|
||||
I'll break<br>
|
||||
under the cross. I actually have to do it."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Could you move over there?"<br>
|
||||
[George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other]<br>
|
||||
George: "Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that
|
||||
always had a<br>
|
||||
crush on me."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Really? How come you never pursued her before?"<br>
|
||||
George: "She's too tan. It's the middle of the winter, she's
|
||||
like a carrot."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, coming back into Monk's: "Did I leave my glasses here?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry, to Elaine: "He can wipe out his checking account in
|
||||
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
||||
a single bound!"<br>
|
||||
Elaine, leaving again: "Keep 'em!"<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
[Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs
|
||||
some<br>
|
||||
sort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise]<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Hey."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "There's a giant parrot in the hallway."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "It's Phil's."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Who?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Our neighbor that you turned against. Anyway, I told
|
||||
him it'd be<br>
|
||||
fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the
|
||||
hallway."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "What'd ya tell him that for?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Because since you've been playing God with the front
|
||||
door, I've been<br>
|
||||
tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging
|
||||
out at his<br>
|
||||
place."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where
|
||||
does he have the<br>
|
||||
couch?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved.
|
||||
I hid it at<br>
|
||||
Phil's"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "He let you?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "No, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't be compulsively
|
||||
looking for<br>
|
||||
it like some people. You!"<br>
|
||||
[going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by the
|
||||
parrot,<br>
|
||||
because it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside
|
||||
Jerry's place]<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
George, entering his apartment with the too-tan secretary: "So,
|
||||
you... you<br>
|
||||
say you've been in the city all winter?"<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "I was in Maine for a couple days."<br>
|
||||
George: "Well... here we are."<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "George, I've always fantasized about jumping into
|
||||
bed with you."<br>
|
||||
George: "Ho ho!"<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with
|
||||
you too soon."<br>
|
||||
George: "Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of
|
||||
a jam."<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "I want to build something with you, George."<br>
|
||||
George: "Oh, not more building."<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "And I won't take no for an answer."<br>
|
||||
George: "No?"<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "No."<br>
|
||||
George, after hesitating: "All right."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Elaine, in an alley with Glenn: "So, what are we doing in this
|
||||
alley, anyway?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "It's a surprise."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, giggling: "Oh."<br>
|
||||
[a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into a
|
||||
trash can;<br>
|
||||
Glenn immediately goes for the bag]<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "What are you doing? What is that?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "It's a bag of donuts."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "It's garbage."<br>
|
||||
Glenn, looking in the bag: "No, no, no, no, no. When they make
|
||||
the new ones,<br>
|
||||
the old ones come out right here."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, pulling out her checkbook: "All right, that's it. How
|
||||
do you spell<br>
|
||||
your last name?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn, still looking through the garbage bag: "It's a bear
|
||||
claw! You have no<br>
|
||||
idea how rare this is."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks?
|
||||
Two-fifty?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn, eating the bear claw: "Mmm!"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Make it three hundred."<br>
|
||||
Glenn, handing her the bear claw: "You know, Elaine, you are
|
||||
the bear claw in<br>
|
||||
the garbage can of my life."<br>
|
||||
Elaine, biting the bear claw: "Aw, Glenn."<br>
|
||||
[the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the
|
||||
alley, and<br>
|
||||
splashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each
|
||||
other to<br>
|
||||
notice]<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning
|
||||
gloves<br>
|
||||
and carrying a cleaning bucket: "Hi. Is Phil here?"<br>
|
||||
Phil, from inside the apartment: "Yeah, I'm here."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got off to a bad start.
|
||||
But your<br>
|
||||
bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "And?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "That's my wife."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, after an awkward pause: "All right, I think we're done
|
||||
here."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, in his apartment in a tuxedo, with George: "So, you're
|
||||
in a<br>
|
||||
relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair
|
||||
with a<br>
|
||||
woman who won't have sex with you."<br>
|
||||
George: "This isn't going well."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em,
|
||||
I have no in!"<br>
|
||||
George, starting to leave: "You don't need the cufflinks. You
|
||||
have the same<br>
|
||||
name. Jerry!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Where are you goin'? Help me look."<br>
|
||||
George: "It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and
|
||||
going to a<br>
|
||||
staged reading of Godspell with the other."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Which is with who?"<br>
|
||||
George, leaving: "It doesn't matter."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo: "Whoo!
|
||||
Boy. Yeah, you<br>
|
||||
clean up nice."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "I can't go until I find my cufflinks."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I
|
||||
took 'em out of<br>
|
||||
your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer, going into the hall with Jerry: "Yeah, we'll stop by
|
||||
Phil's, we'll<br>
|
||||
pick up the key."<br>
|
||||
[in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying,
|
||||
going into<br>
|
||||
their apartment]<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Hey, what's going on?"<br>
|
||||
Phil: "Fredo is dead."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to
|
||||
the incinerator?"<br>
|
||||
Phil: "No! my bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Oh, Phil. Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry."<br>
|
||||
Phil: "Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned!
|
||||
Something in his<br>
|
||||
food."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "But I, I didn't--"<br>
|
||||
[Phil slams the door on Jerry, and Kramer]<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! And who buries a
|
||||
bird?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he...
|
||||
puts it in the<br>
|
||||
incinerator."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Just get the key and let's get out here."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying.
|
||||
I hid the key in<br>
|
||||
Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Kramer!?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "What?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You killed Fredo!"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't've eaten that
|
||||
key."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in
|
||||
the box, and the<br>
|
||||
key is in the bird. What are we gonna do?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "You just answered your own question."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Oh, no."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, walking towards his apartment: "I'll get the shovel."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
George, at Monk's with Loretta: "The, uh, actor that played
|
||||
Jesus made some<br>
|
||||
odd choices."<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "What?"<br>
|
||||
George: "I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating."<br>
|
||||
Maura, entering Monk's: "George?"<br>
|
||||
George: "Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!"<br>
|
||||
Maura: "You told me to meet you here for lunch."<br>
|
||||
George, standing up and overreacting: "Oh, I'm caught in my
|
||||
own web of lies!"<br>
|
||||
Maura, to Loretta: "I'm Maura."<br>
|
||||
Loretta, to Maura: "I'm Loretta. You want to join us?"<br>
|
||||
George: "This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend,
|
||||
and my<br>
|
||||
torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined
|
||||
three<br>
|
||||
lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so..."<br>
|
||||
Maura: "George, what we have is too important. We can work
|
||||
through this."<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "So can we."<br>
|
||||
George: "What? So, this is still not over?"<br>
|
||||
Maura: "No."<br>
|
||||
George: "You?"<br>
|
||||
Loretta: "No."<br>
|
||||
George, reluctantly sitting down: "All right."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Glenn, in his apartment with Elaine: "Elaine, wow, a TV, a
|
||||
stereo?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have
|
||||
to burn 'em."<br>
|
||||
Glenn, as a woman walks in: "Oh, my God, Allison. You're home
|
||||
early."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Who is this?"<br>
|
||||
Allison: "His wife."<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "You're poor and married?"<br>
|
||||
Glenn: "Looks like it."<br>
|
||||
Allison: "Who the hell are you?"<br>
|
||||
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
||||
Elaine: "I guess I'm Lois Loan."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Jerry, in the pet cemetery with Kramer: "Kramer, I can't believe
|
||||
we're grave<br>
|
||||
robbers."<br>
|
||||
Kramer, reading a tombstone: "'Man's best friend.' Jerry, I
|
||||
want something<br>
|
||||
like that on my tombstone."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, seeing Fredo's tombstone, and handing the shovel to Kramer:
|
||||
"Oh, my<br>
|
||||
God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "All right, then you're the one getting the key out
|
||||
of him."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, taking the shoevel back: "I'll dig."<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here.
|
||||
I'm gonna go<br>
|
||||
check it out."<br>
|
||||
[as Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off, trips
|
||||
over a<br>
|
||||
tombstone, and tries to appear dignified again]<br>
|
||||
Jerry, hitting metal with the shovel: "Well, that was easy."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Phil, walking in the cemetery with his wife, near Fredo's grave:
|
||||
"All right,<br>
|
||||
Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace."<br>
|
||||
Jerry, pulling the metal box out of the ground: "Hey, Kramer!
|
||||
I dug Fredo up,<br>
|
||||
now let's cut him open!"<br>
|
||||
Phil, seeing Jerry digging up the grave: "Oh, my God!"<br>
|
||||
'Mrs. Phil': "Oh!"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Hey, neighbor."<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
George, in Jerry's apartment with Kramer, Jerry, and Elaine: "All
|
||||
right. I'm<br>
|
||||
gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each."<br>
|
||||
George, to Elaine: "What do you think?"<br>
|
||||
Elaine: "Give me forty, you'll never see me again."<br>
|
||||
[Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away]<br>
|
||||
Elaine, to Jerry: "So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna
|
||||
live here, or are<br>
|
||||
you gonna move out, or what?"<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out
|
||||
of the building."<br>
|
||||
George, flipping open the lid of the strongbox: "So, what's
|
||||
in the cooler?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Oh. Well, would you look at that. Guess I forgot to
|
||||
lock it."<br>
|
||||
Jerry: "You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery
|
||||
for something?"<br>
|
||||
Kramer: "Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Really
|
||||
one for the<br>
|
||||
books.<br>
|
||||
END<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
<br>
|
||||
Generously donated by: Ivy, Ivy's Seinfeld Page
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
<strong><big><big></big></big></strong>
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
||||
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|
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|
||||
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
||||
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
||||
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
||||
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
||||
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
||||
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
||||
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
||||
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
||||
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
||||
|
||||
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
||||
<div>
|
||||
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
||||
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
||||
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
||||
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
||||
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</form>
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
</ul>
|
||||
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
||||
<p> </p>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
||||
|
||||
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
||||
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
||||
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
||||
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
||||
google_ad_width = 160;
|
||||
google_ad_height = 600;
|
||||
//-->
|
||||
</script>
|
||||
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
||||
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
||||
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
||||
}
|
||||
</script>
|
||||
|
||||
<p ></p>
|
||||
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
||||
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
||||
<script type="text/javascript">
|
||||
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
||||
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
||||
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
||||
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
||||
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
||||
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
||||
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
||||
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
||||
}
|
||||
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
||||
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
</script>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
||||
<!--
|
||||
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
||||
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
||||
window.location = locationstring;
|
||||
}
|
||||
-->
|
||||
</script>
|
||||
<div class="footer">
|
||||
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
||||
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
||||
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
||||
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
||||
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
||||
</script>
|
||||
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
||||
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
||||
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
||||
}
|
||||
</script>
|
||||
<script type="text/javascript">
|
||||
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
||||
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
||||
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
||||
(function() {
|
||||
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
||||
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
||||
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
||||
})();
|
||||
</script></body>
|
||||
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|
||||
Reference in New Issue
Block a user